tcaretnI A Service of Interaction International Vol. 14 No. 2 Dec. 2020
Contents
— Uprooted with no RAFT — In Times of Crisis — Screens: Why Do They Have the Appeal They Have? — Trust-Based Relational Intervention — Children and Trauma — Conversation: Coping with Crisis — Care and COVID — Book Review — Resources
December Issue
Letter from the Editor
Mission Statement: Interact is a forum for dialogue and the exchange of ideas on current issues in MK/TCK care and education in order to promote a greater flow of care for MKs/TCKs by all those whose actions impact their lives. Article Submission: Authors may submit articles electronically or by mail to Interact. Please inquire about topics/issues/research that may be of interest for upcoming issues of Interact as well as formatting information. The views expressed in Interact do not necessarily reflect the views of Interact or of Interaction International.
Dear Friends, The word I’ve heard repeatedly since the Corona virus hit has been “unprecedented.” And saying “Goodbye” has been replaced by the admonition “Stay safe.” COVID is truly unprecedented in its scope. It is truly a worldwide virus affecting countries around the globe. Moreover, it is unprecedented in its symptoms. Some people are COVID positive, but don’t display any symptoms. Others have had severe symptoms that led to their spending months in the hospital, being placed in a medically induced coma or on a ventilator. Many have lost their lives to this deadly virus. As unprecedented as COVID has been, it is not the only crisis MKs/TCKs and their families have faced nor will it be the last. While this crisis may be different from previous ones (such as civil war, acts of terrorism, political unrest, kidnapping/hostage situations, natural disasters, etc.), it has also had some similar affects. All of these crises have been unexpected, so each has had a surprise factor. Each brought a loss of control that produced fear, uncertainty and anxiety. Often someone else made decisions for MKs/TCKs and their families as to whether they stayed or were evacuated. In situations such as these, the focus has been on adults and often the needs of children have been overlooked. All of these crisis situations produce feelings of grief, sadness, anger/frustration and more. This issue of Interact focuses on crisis in the broader sense, and not just on COVID. My hope is that it will give you as parents, teachers and caregivers encouragement, fresh perspective, practical tips and resources to better care for your MKs/TCKs. My hope is that this issue will expand the flow of care for MKs in the midst of each crisis situation. Blessings,
Feedback and Input: Interact welcomes feedback concerning articles as well as ideas for the magazine. Please send it to interact@interactionintl.org. Interact reserves the right to edit and publish these letters/emails for space and clarity. Reprinting Material: You must have permission before reproducing information published in Interact. Back Issues: an index of previous articles published in Interact is available on the Interaction website (www.interactionintl.org). Physical copies of back issues of Interact can be purchased. Contact Interact for details at interact@interactionintl.org Publisher: Interaction International Editor: Janet Blomberg (janetblomberg@interactionintl.org) Graphic Designer: Kelly Pickering Consultant: Irma Henderson Digital Publishing: Bret Taylor Copyright 2020 INTERACT a digital publication Correspondence for Interact should be sent to: 1516 Peck Street, Muskegon, MI 49441 USA, Phone: 630.653.4156, Email: interact@interactionintl.org
Uprooted with No RAFT Marilyn Gardner
It is mid-September and six months since borders closed, masks became mandatory, and life changed for people around the globe. While fall is always a time of movement and change for expats and third culture kids, for TCKs transitioning to college, and for those who have tried to make transitions during the summer from their lives overseas, the tools that many of us have used and used well in the past are not necessarily helpful in this new COVID world. Many of us have seen and used the RAFT acronym (Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewell, and Think Transition) developed by David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken, our iconic leaders on all things TCK related. In fact, I myself wrote an essay on transition a few years ago, citing their acronym and connecting the dots to my own experiences.
As I think about the acronym in the year 2020 and the unexpected chaos and uprootedness that a worldwide pandemic has caused, I think we may need another acronym that gives us a different tool for unexpected departures, virtual goodbyes, and long periods of waiting in the in between. It’s with this in mind that I offer a few tips that I’m calling CRAFT, because a Crisis before the RAFT changes everything. A full disclaimer is that I have been uprooted unexpectedly myself a couple of times, but never in a worldwide crisis like the one we have faced these past months. I come at this from a public health nurse perspective, a writer, a TCK, and a three-imes over expat. Though I have been through several difficult transitions, they are transitions that are far different than what I know many of you are experiencing. So, keep what is worth keeping, and blow the rest away.
Crisis Management Response and Resilience Aftershocks Forging Ahead Time Crisis Management: First and foremost, COVID has been a worldwide crisis with a domino effect. There are three stages to crisis management: Pre-crisis or creating a crisis management plan; mid-crisis—the point where all hell breaks loose and you respond to what’s happening in the moment and try to put the plan into place; and postcrisis—where you evaluate how you, your family, and the team responded to the crisis and evaluate whether your plan was effective. This is the point where you refine and change your crisis management plan based on what you’ve learned. Perhaps your organization never even had a plan to begin with and you were left trying to craft your own crisis plan with little support. Perhaps your organization had a well-defined
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crisis management plan, but it hadn’t been fully tested. This was the first test and leadership is reeling. Perhaps your organization’s plan was comprehensive and well done but hadn’t ever considered that there may be a worldwide crisis at the same time as the company crisis. There are all kinds of scenarios. However, it is important to recognize that a crisis changes everything. The general guidelines for phases of crisis management are to: Understand the three phases of a crisis Prepare as best as you can to handle each stage 1 Identify and focus on the most critical phase. By now, most of us are in the post crisis phase, but perhaps not. Perhaps a whole new crisis has come along with the crisis of COVID 19. Perhaps you are like my friend, Mariam, who has had multiple crises along with a pending international move. Very few of us really understand crisis management, and it feels critical to have more information and understanding on this. No matter where you find yourself in these three stages, know that this is a very real crisis. You aren’t making it up. You aren’t making a bigger deal of it than you need to. You are simply doing what all of us do in a crisis. Trying to figure out what is next. Response and Resilience: This phase utilizes past experience. If in the past you have seen crises handled well, then your response may be far calmer than a colleague or friend. As I’ve faced COVID myself, I have faced it as someone who has never been risk averse, and who grew up in the developing world with every year bringing another crisis. This is really different than some of my friends. In addition, I’ve faced it as someone who doesn’t have health problems. Those two realities have everything to do with the way I’ve responded. We go into any crisis with tools from our past at our disposal. The key is to remember those tools. One of those tools is to initially focus just on the physical. The emotional pieces will come, but you don’t have the energy nor should you focus on them right now. It’s fight or flight, not fight or share your deepest feelings about what is going on. This may sound obvious to many of you, but I am an empath. The ability to empathize is a gift, but it has to be used in the right context. Someone who is bleeding out doesn’t need me to sit beside them and say “How are you feeling? How does that blood loss make you feel?” Rather, they need me to do everything I can to stop the flow of blood. Response means you respond to the immediate issue. Responding appropriately to the immediate issue builds resilience for later in the crisis.
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Aftershocks: On October 12th, 1992, Cairo, Egypt experienced a 5.8 magnitude earthquake. It was considered “unusually destructive” for its size. We were living in an area called Maadi in a second-floor apartment. It was 3:09 in the afternoon local time, and I was at home with all four of the kids. The house began shaking as windows rattled and a major wall in our apartment cracked down the center. I thought there had been a subway accident and that the subway, a few blocks from our house, was headed our way. The noise and shaking were terrifying. I had no idea it was an earthquake but gathered the three older children to me. The youngest one, Stefanie, was nine-months old and in her crib taking an afternoon nap. “Kids, let’s pray!” I said in desperation. In a few seconds Stefanie began to scream. I ran in just as a picture flew off the wall over her head and crashed on the ground shattering the glass. It was terrifying. Equally terrifying were the significant aftershocks felt even days after the earthquake. We would brace ourselves for the shaking and wonder if it was yet another earthquake.
“There are all kinds of scenarios. However, it is important to recognize that a crisis changes everything." Marilyn Gardner So, what’s my point? Aftershocks of a crisis can be as difficult emotionally as the crisis itself. Aftershocks come unexpectedly and set off previously felt trauma and feelings of shock and helplessness. COVID-19 has been a crisis similar to an earthquake and there are aftershocks that bring up all sorts of feelings. If you feel this, it is not you being weak. These are real and these are hard. Aftershocks can continue for days, months, or sometimes even years. The larger the earthquake, the larger the aftershocks. So, what do you do? You remain on the alert for aftershocks. They will probably come. Keep in mind that crisis management is the first step. Stay calm—this is a normal part of a massive crisis. Gather your kids to you and talk about what is going on. If you ask adult third-culture kids what made the difference in making it through a crisis and building resilience, many will say that it was that their parents and other adults in their lives allowed them to talk about what was going on. Call people who you trust. You also need someone who will be able to actively listen to what you are thinking and feeling.
Forging Ahead with Baby Steps: People who have had spinal cord injuries have to learn to walk again. It happens step by painful step. This is a lot like what it is to forge ahead when you’ve been or are continuing in a crisis. There is the acute phase; then there is the maintenance phase. Forging ahead is the maintenance phase. What is the new routine? What can we put off, and what needs to be done today? What resources are around us that can help us with what needs to be done today? Gather your resources in a small notebook. Who are the people who can help with the practical pieces of setting up a new household or routine? Who are the people who can help with the emotional pieces? It’s those who won’t tell you to count your blessings, but, instead, who will listen as you pour out your heart and by listening help you move forward. Who are those who can help with the details with this life that you least expected? Who can help with the logistics of car shopping? Insurance coverage? Healthcare? All the details that go into setting up a new life. Forging ahead in baby steps sometimes just means knowing who to call for what. Time: The last word in the acronym is “time.” In the expat world, we are always looking ahead. Part of this is the nature of the work and experience. We have to look ahead. The task of living outside our passport countries forces us to look at future actions that may include visa or residence permit expirations, transition times, future plans, and the ages of our kids as we make moves. Suddenly, the pandemic has put everyone in the world in stop mode. We go from being future oriented to not being able to plan for tomorrow, let alone what will happen in a month, three months, or a year. All the careful plans we made have crumbled and the costs in money, time, and emotional health are impossible to quantify. We have to redefine our concepts of time. I think recovering addicts have a tremendous amount to teach us about this concept of time. A recovering addict knows that all they have is the next hour. It comes and as they face it without drinking, doing drugs or doing whatever it is that they are addicted to. They know that it is a baby step in the right direction. They feel like they are climbing the walls. Their skin crawls. Their heart beats faster. And then, the hour is over. A sigh and on to the next hour. The hours turn into days, the days turn into weeks, and the weeks turn into months, but they will never forget that all they have is today. All they have is the next hour. Recovering addicts are our teachers in this moment. Do what we must in the next hour. Then when the next hour comes, do what we must. All we know is that we have the next hour. Maybe not even that. Maybe all we have is the next second, or the next minute. So, we breathe because a minute is all you need right
now. An hour is all you need. You can redefine time. Don’t let time define you. Expect to be like the recovering addict— climbing the walls but making it through. In the words of an addict, “Over the past 23 years, I’ve worked to trick my brain into staying in the moment, and not dwelling on the future or the past.” 2 As I’ve spoken with family members after the death of my brother, it has come up time and time again the wonderful days and hours preceding my brother’s death. By all accounts, he had a joy-filled month with joy-filled minutes that turned to joy-filled hours. The death that took him shocked all of us, none more so than those closest to him. However, each day of the month preceding his death seemed filled with abundant life. He did not know he would die, and we did not know he would die. It seemed he had learned to live each moment and, in doing so, find great joy. I don’t know, but I do know that when it comes to time, all we really have is now. Even as I write this, I know that, for someone facing all of this transition, reading this could be annoying. We can have all the tools in the world but still struggle. One of the things I love about my faith tradition is that we honor the struggle. There is life and growth in the struggle. So, I leave you with that: honor the struggle. 1. Sherry Singer, Understanding the Three Phases of Crisis Management, Bernstein Crisis Management (bernsteincrisismanagement.com), 2. Molly Jong-Fast, “I Won’t Drink Today, and I Won’t Get the Virus Today,” The Atlantic, August 26, 2020.
Marilyn Gardner Marilyn Gardner is an adult third-culture kid. She grew up in Pakistan and then raised her own five third-culture kids in Pakistan and Egypt. After finally learning how to live in the United States, she found herself unexpectedly living in the Kurdish region of Iraq and working at a university. She is the author of Between Worlds: Essays on Culture and Belonging and Worlds Apart: A Third Culture Kid's Journey. Her writing appears in Plough Magazine, Fathom Magazine, and a few other places around the web. You can find her blogging at Communicating Across Boundaries: Communicating Across the Boundaries of Faith and Culture (https://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/) Reprinted with permission of author (a contributor to blog A Life Overseas -Sept. 11,2020: https://www.alifeoverseas.com/uprooted-with-no-raft/)
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In Times of Crisis S. Ann Johnson Let me take you with me to a place that even now I can hear and see again so well. To a time when all I can hear are the sounds of spent shells landing on the metal roof above me. A time when all I see are flashes of green light as shots fly past the slanted windows. A time when I hear a wife begging her husband not to dash out into the gunfire to find their seven children, not knowing if all the little ones (including my sister) have had time to run. A time when all I can say is, “Save us, Jesus; save us, Jesus.” A time when I sneak out the back door to see something I was never supposed to see—a valley full of fire with everything burning. I know men are dying and the two armies fired heavy artillery into the night. I dress my little sister as a boy, hiding her hair with a handkerchief. I hide my own figure with a baggy t-shirt and prepare for the worst. Imagine us hiding under the bed and covering the ends with a sheet. We play a game of hide and seek that is not a game. How many hours has it been? How many times have we hidden? I realize in my 18year-old head that no person in the world outside of this place knows what is happening to us. How could they know? How could they know? The very essence of becoming a missionary/expatriate Christian worker can entail a high degree of physical risk. Yet, the mental health risk is rarely spoken of in Christian circles. Mental health struggles are often dismissed as weakness and a result of inward spiritual struggles. Yet, as Robert Grant points out in his article, “Trauma in Missionary Life”, “Overseas missionaries can be peppered with years of direct experience with an exposure to crime, psychological intimidation, military and terrorist threats, kidnappings, armed coercion, torture, rape and murder. Repeated robberies and home invasions by burglars, soldiers, and terrorists are also not uncommon. Similarly, daily conditions characterized by destitution, oppression, disease, and domestic (as well as street) violence can wear down even the most dedicated of missionaries” (Grant, 1995). With such physical risks involved in a commitment to overseas service, should it really be so surprising that severe mental
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health risks could be connected to them? The answer must be no. We need to better understand post-traumatic stress and its effects on families and their interpersonal relationships. Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is of crucial importance to me and my family. In October 2002, my family was completely surrounded and caught in the crossfire between battling rebel and governmental forces in northern Cote d’Ivoire. Along with this experience came the very real possibility of death, being taken hostage, and rape. Our electricity and water lines were cut by the rebels. People in leadership on the international school campus where we lived realized we would not survive long without some sort of aid. After leaking the news to the international press, we were finally evacuated by the French military after we had spent a week being confined to our compound. In retrospect, every individual who was there likely experienced some degree of PTSD. Since this experience, I have been curious about its impact. How does this disorder, even in the minimal form that I experienced, affect my relationships? How could it potentially affect my continued work in overseas ministry?
What is Post-traumatic Stress? Post-traumatic stress stems directly from a trauma experience. This can be defined as a severe life experience that can completely overwhelm a person. Figley, in his book Psychiatric Disorders, defines trauma as “an emotional state of discomfort and stress resulting from memories of an extraordinary, catastrophic experience which shatters the survivor’s sense of invulnerability.” He defines traumatic stress as “a set of conscious and unconscious activities and emotions associated with dealing with the stressors of the catastrophe and its immediate aftermath” (Miller, 1996). He adds that this often is coupled with the problem of not being able to process the event or incorporate it into one's worldview or belief system. Many researchers believe another type of stress disorder called complex post-traumatic stress disorder is linked with trauma. It stems from continual and repetitious exposure to
traumatic events that can span several years. It can be caused by repeated sexual or physical abuse, torture, imprisonment, captivity, and living in dangerous or wartorn countries. Someone working with people who have undergone traumatic events will have to be especially careful they themselves are not adversely affected by this stress. Continual exposure to trauma can lead to “a sense of losing one’s self or identity” (Grant, 1995). This often occurs in relief workers and missionaries who force themselves not to feel, so that they can continue serving those in need. This is a laudable, normal reaction of the human mind to protect itself. Yet, treatment must be provided for these individuals because long-term exposure to danger and trauma can cause PTSD symptoms. During a summer internship in rural Pakistan, I experienced, to a small degree, what this kind of regular exposure to dangerous living conditions can feel like. While my experiences there were compounded by my history with post-traumatic stress in Cǒte d’Ivoire, what I experienced in Pakistan was quite normal for anyone entering this kind of environment. Like others, I found my time there difficult. The expatriate Christian worker couple I was living with said that anyone entering Pakistan for their first term could usually only make it for about two months before they needed to leave. The second time, they would only be able to make it about six months and then would need to leave. By the third time, the individual would finally be able to live in the area for about two years before the need to leave arose. Many came into the country with their children. Talking with one’s family about these kinds of reactions to living in a dangerous area for long periods of time is essential. It helps prevent burnout and emotional problems after extended exposure. Care for third-culture kids must include discussions about how repetitious exposure to stress can impact children’s development and what can be done to address this reality.
sleep disturbances, nightmares, startled responses (often to loud sounds), panic and anxiety attacks, depression, irresolvable stress, social isolation, and problems concentrating (Grant, 1995). More long-term symptoms occur as well. Victims of trauma re-experience the event persistently throughout their lifetime. Symptoms fade, but do not vanish entirely. Individuals try to avoid situations that will cause recurring feelings associated with the specific trauma. This can include avoiding watching specific films, fireworks or any activity related to the trauma. Many people with PTSD have difficulty tolerating noise and experience continuous symptoms of increased tension, anxiety, and irritability (Carson, 1998). Noise disturbance is one of the most recurring aspects of post-traumatic stress disorder I deal with on a continual basis. I have always loved fireworks, yet I was caught off guard when I realized I can no longer enjoy fireworks as I once did. One Christmas I went with friends to see the lighting of Chicago’s Michigan Avenue. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that fireworks are set off from a barge in the Chicago River. I was quickly reminded of this when they exploded 30 feet from where I was standing. My body quickly took me to the ground. I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably, which continued for about an hour. It is during such times that I most vividly see what I experienced in Africa. I feel I must use the opportunity to remember it clearly. Otherwise, I will forget what reality is like every day for people who must live in war, people the world has forgotten or never knew existed. These feelings have some benefits because of the focus of my life on helping people. But I now realize that my remembering also is due to survivor guilt, another symptom of posttraumatic stress disorder.
Symptoms and Characteristics Post-traumatic stress sufferers often feel powerless, helpless and unable to gain control over their lives. They are unable to talk to others about the symptoms they are dealing with and find it impossible to explain what they have seen and heard. Usually an “intrusive phase” occurs directly after the trauma and lasts six to eight weeks. During this time, victims of trauma experience a high degree of emotional numbness. They often have flashbacks,
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Survivor Guilt Sometimes I purposely watch movies that trigger memories of the traumatic events I experienced. Watching the movie Hotel Rwanda was a difficult but validating experience for me. I had never allowed myself to realize how guilty I felt in leaving Cǒte d’Ivoire. Once we reached safety, I was greatly relieved. Yet, I had never understood what it was that made me feel I was still missing something. When I watched the section of Hotel Rwanda that portrayed the guilt some foreigners had when they were evacuating, I saw that their bus, a Peugeot, was exactly what we had used. When I heard the reaction of the Africans to their being abandoned, I became incredibly nauseous and began weeping. I allowed myself to feel what had been the real trial in driving out of that country. It was not just fear, but guilt. I felt guilty for being white and could not understand why my skin color and my nationality dictated my ability to flee and my certainty of survival. What I experienced is exactly what Roger Grant describes in his article: “Being reared in relatively privileged backgrounds, able to flee overwhelming situations of poverty and violence at a moment’s notice, often leads to self-recriminations and self-inflicted deprivations” (Grant, 1995). Survivor guilt has enormous consequences in interpersonal relationships between missionaries. Individuals withdraw from each other, thinking they are the only one feeling guilty for surviving. Guilt is difficult to explain to people and is rarely talked about. I have rarely talked about the guilt I felt. It is difficult and was never brought up in my community post-evacuation. This lack of understanding among expatriate Christian workers, who have endured a similar trauma, can be paralyzing to their interpersonal relationships. While everyone is celebrating their return to their passport countries, the traumatized missionaries often find it difficult to celebrate with them. They inwardly mourn those they left behind. This strains relationships with extended family who cannot understand why their precious relatives are not happier to be alive. They tend to completely avoid the subject of survivor guilt with people at home. Missionaries fear being misunderstood or that their audience will be apathetic about the situation. Many times, expatriate Christian workers who experience survivor guilt have no idea of their feelings unless they are unearthed in counseling and related experiences or through films.
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The Importance of Grieving Adding to the stress and trauma problem of expatriate Christian workers is the individualistic spirit that most tend to have. People think they can handle stress on their own and refuse to lean on their friends and co-workers. Robert Grant echoes this reality in his book on member care: “Part of the difficulty of treating missionaries is that they have been trained to be tough and not to let certain feelings affect them. Frequently, considerable emotional and physical pain are repressed or offered up to God. In the case of some traumatic injuries, these attitudes can have life-threatening consequences” (Grant, 1995). Many missionaries, so overwhelmed by the amount of work and by the pressure of the task they are to accomplish, feel guilty if they stop to deal with personal mental health issues. Also, a good deal of pressure on them stems from the fact that they are their being supported financially by friends and relatives back home. They often feel they must use their time on the field wisely and not waste one moment. This kind of stress is incredibly unhealthy, especially when added to the post-traumatic stress that can be caused by other external factors. If struggles are not dealt with properly, many expatriate Christian workers are faced with three options: head home, accept an administrative position, or endure incessant psychosomatic problems. “The effects of trauma, if left untreated, can result in a variety of psychological, physical, and interpersonal impairments that can last a lifetime” (Grant, 1995). Loss of friends, coworkers, homes, and ministries is a normal occurrence in
missionary life. Yet, there is an emphasis in the mission’s community on the need to be “tough” which contributes to a lack of dealing with true grief and loss. While individuals might be able to press on for a time, not addressing the problem will eventually paralyze their ability to give of themselves to others and can lead to burnout. This type of self-sufficiency is an incredible hindrance to healthy relationships among expatriate Christian workers. They can feel ministry and trauma recovery are constantly competing for their time. I have experienced this as an adult on the field. On occasions, our family has had to make time for counseling so that we can continue in our work in a healthy way. I have made make it a priority to champion mental health care for other missionaries and promote selfcare in any way I can.
“While individuals might be able to press on for a time, not addressing the problem will eventually paralyze their ability to give of themselves to others and can lead to burnout." S. Ann Johnson
Effects on Relationships Post-traumatic stress can have many negative effects on individuals and communication. Expatriate Christian workers often try to hide from each other how they are really coping with the effects of traumatic stress. Those struggling to deal with the trauma fear being seen by their peers as “weak” and unfit to continue the work. “Peer pressure amongst missionaries is a powerful force” (Grant, p. 79). Relationships among fellow missionaries and missionary couples will continue to disintegrate because survivors often use poor coping mechanisms to hide their pain. This is often seen in the form of addictions which individuals use to gain control over their situation and release the internal pressure they often struggle with. These addictions can range from alcoholism to workaholism, all of which severely affect the mission’s community. Trauma victims often have a difficult time relating to other people after a crisis. They feel people will not understand what they have experienced. This leads to unfair judgments of people who may genuinely want to understand what the individual has seen and heard. People often begin closing themselves off from relationships in an attempt to protect themselves from further hurt.
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“Many times this self-imposed distancing and coldness in relationships alternates with what psychologists call enmeshment, relationships that are so close and constricting that the people involved in them don’t know where one individual leaves off and the other begins” (Porterfield, p. 33). Those who have survived trauma together often become like brothers and sisters who withdraw and alienate others. They see them as too “naïve” or “inexperienced” to understand what they have been through. This kind of superiority after experiencing a traumatic event is a sad reality in many mission circles. Yet, many positive effects of experiencing a trauma are often overlooked and I feel must be mentioned. When one’s life is threatened, all outside issues become completely meaningless. Relationships in a community become the key to survival. These relationships are forged in steel and result because of negative, nonjudgmental attitudes and, in turn, complete acceptance. For my high school senior class, this meant a complete destruction of all cliques. Relationships became deep and focused on what really matters in life. All triviality was demolished.
“Our lives become refocused in the aftermath of difficult times. Our faith is enriched after understanding the true depth to which we can truly trust our God." S. Ann Johnson Charles Davis explains this well in his account of the trauma he endured in Congo. “Fellowship deepens when pain is shared” (Bayly, 1966). After my experiences in Côte d’Ivoire, my class became my family overnight. My school became my home. I felt my class and our school family as a whole were like a giant family. We had all experienced the same trauma, and there was an unspoken closeness surrounding the entire community. There is also a great deal of intrapersonal benefit in seeing the hand of God protecting His people in such unquestionable ways. Experiencing a trauma can be a catalyst for spiritual renewal and can deepen an individual’s faith. I would never wish away the experiences I had in Côte d’Ivoire. They have shaped me into who I am and have rooted me in God and a life of service. Trauma forces us to lean solely on God.
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Charles Davis speaks of a morning after his hostage experience. “Usually I’m pretty sure of myself. That morning I wasn’t sure of anything except that the Lord was the only reason I was there, still alive” (Bayly, 1966). Our lives become refocused in the aftermath of difficult times. Our faith is enriched after understanding the true depth to which we can truly trust our God. Davis’ friend Assani sums this up well. “After these times of suffering, I have a stronger desire to serve God than ever before. My heart is surging with much more joy than before this time of sorrow” (Bayly, 1966). Similarly, the trauma I experienced in Côte d’Ivoire has helped me become aware of the trauma happening daily all over the world. I have been given a gift I can use to feel the pain of others, and I will forever be grateful to God for that.
Quick Response “Without treatment, the most damaging aspects of trauma can stay underground indefinitely. When this becomes the case, tremendous cost to physical, emotional, and spiritual health, as well as to interpersonal relationships and vocation, can be the results” (Grant, 1995). It is wise for any victim of traumatic stress to take an adequate amount of time away from the situation to rest both physically and mentally. Supportive therapy is also extremely important to a person’s recovery. Treatment immediately following the event is a crucial part of recovering from severe stress reactions. Individuals who were treated immediately after trauma had a 60% rate of improvement, while those without immediate treatment showed only a 26% rate of improvement (Grant, 1995). One of the most important methods of helping trauma victims is to allow them to be together. When victims of trauma are together, they are able to bond and understand each other better than any counselor. Group relationships in safe environments after an experience of trauma can greatly decrease the intensity of post-traumatic symptoms. I can vouch for the effectiveness of immediate treatment for a group. Our organization brought everyone from our group back to the home office in the U.S. where counselors immediately began conducting sessions with both adults and children. As an 18-year-old, I benefited from both. It was so healing to hear adults processing and validating the experience together. I’ll never forget the moment a flag snapped in the wind outside the window where our children’s counseling session was taking place. Every child hit the floor. Our counselor’s face was a mixture of surprise and concern. Then all the
kids began laughing. There was a camaraderie that helped us process the events in Africa. While we were at the home office, people from churches in the city donated clothes and suitcases because we had left Africa with only the clothes on our backs. Other classmates did not get the same kind of immediate response from their organization. Many of them shared with me their continued struggle in processing their experiences and some were angry.
A Family Response Intimate relationships within the family unit and with close friends are key to understanding and relieving tensions caused by post-traumatic stress. Individuals must allow and illicit many times the story of what happened so that he or she can process it as they speak. In doing so, healing is taking place within the person’s mind. They realize someone cares about them and about what happened to them and within the friendship threatened by a traumatic event. “Repetitive talking about the experience and constantly reliving it in fantasies or nightmares may serve as built-in repair mechanisms to help a person adjust to the traumatic event” (Carson, 1998). Regular debriefing allows an individual to be continuously processing what has happened. PTSD does not heal completely, it fades. Thus, the process of healing should not be stopped. Ongoing support groups should be formed, both in the passport country and on the field to deal specifically with these issues in a preventative matter. “Without ongoing support, crisis intervention rather than preventative care becomes the pattern, and many in the field risk becoming more and more emotionally numb” (Grant, 1995).
A crisis management team plays an important role in handling a crisis situation, but it is an area where crucial mistakes can be made. I attended a crisis conference in Thailand, and the man running it had been the chief negotiator for his agency in a hostage crisis. I was shocked to learn he had no prior experience or crisis training. This was also true of the rest of the members of the team, which had been hastily thrown together. In addition, the organization had no policies, mate-rials, or preparation for a hostage situation. This lack of preparedness negatively affected their ability to function as a team and accomplish the task. Splits developed within the team and stresses emerged that affected their relationships with family and friends. While many organizations are well prepared for a crisis, many others are not. Since these situations are inevitable, agencies can’t wait to prepare for a crisis until it happens. At that point it is too late. Each agency should already have policies and a team in place long before any crisis occurs. These policies should be regularly reviewed and updated. The team members should have specific training in crisis management, and their roles and responsibilities clearly defined in advance. In addition, the organization should know what outside help and resources are available (such as Crisis Consulting International) to provide training, review policies, evaluate risk, negotiate, etc.
Re-entering the Mission Field with PTSD It is possible for a missionary to return to the field after experiencing PTSD— but it is especially important for people to face their fears. My family returned to Africa only three weeks after evacuating from Côte d’Ivoire. While this might seem like too short a period of time, our organization handled things well by providing counseling for both children and adults. A reality that heightened our stress at home was being around people who could never understand our experiences. We were also being interviewed by newspapers and radio stations repetitively. Going home to Alaska was the last thing I wanted to do at that point. Returning to Dakar, Senegal, where we were surrounded by a loving mission’s community who understood our trauma, was the most healing thing we could have done. My summer in Pakistan was a type of “trial run” for me in re-entering a hostile environment on the mission field. One time when we were visiting Islamabad, Pakistan’s capital,
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been times I have had to choose to be honest about how situations overseas are affecting me differently than they would other people. I have used my childhood experience of trauma overseas for good in my mission community. I have encouraged other organizations to prepare for traumatic and crisis situations: to have crisis teams, evacuation insurance, funds and emergency services available for their members. I have been open about the importance of counseling check-ins for myself and encouraged other missionaries in my community and on my team to do the same.
immensely loud noises (sounding like gunshots) started to go off nearby. I immediately hit the ground and armycrawled my way over to the window only to discover a large group of men standing outside our house. My mind instantly went into survival mode. I knew in my head that it must be a wedding, but my body could not acknowledge the fact. Even after making it downstairs and talking to my teammates who assured me it was a wedding, I continued to weep in the shower. I allowed all my forgotten feelings resurface and all the images to refill my mind. While these symptoms of PTSD may sound severe, they did not significantly affect my ability to minister and teach in Pakistan. This was because even as I was experiencing them, I knew what was happening in my body. I allowed them to pass and told other people, whom I had previously prepared, what was happening. Their support and understanding strengthened our relationships and allowed me to feel affirmed even through those experiences. Now, after 11 years of serving on the field as an adult in Asia and North Africa, I know that returning to the field after facing trauma as a TCK is possible. I have had to humble myself to ask for help from counselors and teammates along the way. I have had to be open with my husband about the struggles I might face and do face overseas when I deal with fear and anxiety. There have
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In this time of facing a global pandemic while living overseas with my children in areas with less than ideal medical care, I can turn to my good Father and lay my fears at his feet. “The good news is that the worst events are survivable. Only when traumatized people isolate themselves is surviving difficult. But when the pain, fears, and inner rage are shared with others who have suffered similar fates, the victim can begin to see that their responses are normal. With time, understanding, acceptance,…trauma can be survived, and the person can move on with hope” (Hicks, 1983). With God’s help, hope can be found in trauma and relationships can be healed.
S. Ann Johnson S. Ann Johnson is a third-culture kid (TCK) and an Alaskan. She is mother to two current little TCKs. She works in international education and has been working in Asia and Africa as an adult for the last 13 years. She lived as a child and teenager in both Cote d’Ivoire and Senegal and taught TCKs at Dakar Academy in Senegal. She has an M.A. in Intercultural Studies from Wheaton College.
Reference Works Bayly, Joseph T. (1966). Congo Crisis: Charles and Muriel Davis Relive an Era of During Weeks of Imprisonment in Stanleyville, Africa. Zondervan. Carson, Robert C., Butcher, James N. and Mineka, Susan. (1998). Abnormal Psychology and Modern Life. Addison-Wesley Education Publishers. Grant, Robert. (Jan 1995). Trauma in Missionary Life: An International Review, Vol XXIII (No 1). Hicks, Robert. (1993). Failure to Scream. Thomas Nelson Publishers. Jacob, Mel. (1983). Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Facing Futility In and After Vietnam. Currents in Theology and Psychology. Vol. 10. Meisenhelder, Janice Bell. (2004). Responses of Clergy to 9/11: Post-Traumatic Stress, Coping, and Religious Outcomes. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion. Vol 43. Miller, Thomas W. (1996) “An Update on Post-traumatic Stress Disorder�. The Hatherleigh Guide to Psychiatric Disorders. Hatherleigh Press. Porterfield, Kay Marie. (1996). Straight Talk About Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Facts on File. Rogers, Dalene Fuller. (2002) Pastoral Care for Post-Taumatic Stress Disorder: Healing the Shattered Soul. Haworth Pastoral Press.
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Screens:
Why Do They Have the Appeal They Have?
Dr. Kathy Koch
Children have needs. You know that. It’s why they cry, fuss, throw fits, and can be demanding. It’s also why they’re motivated by some things and not others. This includes technology. Third-culture kids (TCKs) use technology for schooling. Like students in their passport culture, for some TCKs, schools have closed in-person learning and are now doing everything online. For others it has been their only educational option given where they are serving. As MKs have suddenly left the country where they have grown up, technology has become a lifeline to friends who are scattered around the globe. In addition, many have left without the opportunity to say meaningful goodbyes or had friends leave without any closure. All of the unexpected changes and transitions have produced enormous grief and life has felt out of control. They’ve lost the people with whom they would normally process their grief and have turned to their screens to connect. In this COVID era, children, especially teens, may feel the need for technology more acutely, may be spending far more time online, and their dependency on their screens may be growing. It is important that we think through the role of technology in their lives and examine its appeal.
People assume tech addiction is caused by technology’s influence on brain development. There’s certainly truth to that. What children experience often, they want to keep experiencing because of how neurons connect. However, I believe the changes to the heart are more controlling. This is why we must stay alert. We must parent strong and long!
Lie #1: I am the Center of My Own Universe Many children today are lonely. This was true before the Covid-19 virus caused us to socially distance from others and stay home more. It might be more true today. Then, for TCKs, separation and loneliness can be increased because of relocating frequently, language barriers, differ-ent values from those in their communities, busy schedules, and more. Because children are lonely, they may turn to their devices for connections, using social media, gaming, and any number of apps that make them feel connected. Two things may happen. They’ll have less time for true connections even with their families, and they’ll need to use technology more to feed the lie. Why?
What if I suggested that the needs causing children to choose technology aren’t satisfied by technology? Is it possible that it’s the exact opposite? Might technology be making their needs even more significant? More controlling? More unmet? Yes. As a result, almost out of desperation, children use technology more and more. Could this be relevant to adults, too? Yes.
The “like” factor of social media can make children feel like they rule the world. Also, they check to see who’s calling before answering their phone, and they can buy just one song instead of an entire album, watch what they want on their own handheld device, and correct and edit pictures they take, including selfies, to create their own version of the world.
Let me explain by sharing the lies I believe technology teaches our children. I could keep mentioning adults in this article as I did above. I won’t, but do realize that if we’re not careful, what I write about here can happen to anyone of any age. Because children’s brains aren’t fully developed and their character isn’t as mature as ours hopefully is, they are usually affected more by technology’s influence.
What’s the big deal? These behaviors increase their loneliness, the very need they’re trying to meet with their technology. If children believe they’re the center of the universe, they don’t need anyone. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say they only need people to serve them and acknowledge they’re the center. It’s hard for peers to do this because so many of them believe they’re the
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center of their own universe. So, using technology because they’re lonely can actually increase their loneliness and make it harder for them to connect. More importantly, this lie is an affront to God. He is the center of the universe! Our behavior must lineup with this truth. If we act like we or our family or ministry are the center, our admonitions about their pride, entitlement, and selfishness will fall on deaf ears. We can provide evidence from Scripture and our observations of how the world works—that God is the center. We must teach and reinforce that all people have value, and no one is more important than anyone else. We can help our children stay connected to people living in one place while they make new friendships in a new location without allowing them to believe the world revolves around them. We must call self-centeredness sin and teach children how to be other-centered. Helping them serve others helps with many aspects of this lie. Telling them to put their devices down may not work. Getting out of the house to meet other people’s needs might. Many families are already good at this. Tell children one reason you serve is to reorient them to truth you’ve taught. We must put God and His people first. You will not let technology rob them of their joy or purpose.
Lie #2: I Deserve to be Happy All the Time Depression and anxiety are common today—too common. It makes sense that our children want to avoid these feelings. Therefore, they prioritize happiness and turn to their tools, toys, and technology because it’s proven to meet this need. Or does it? Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want children to be unhappy. They just need to understand that happiness isn’t guaranteed. It’s based on happenings they can’t control. It’s fleeting and doesn’t truly meet legitimate needs. Technology teaches children that everything can be easy, and they can always get a higher score on a game if they play long enough. They can have what they want now; it’s new, they can personalize it, and it’s entertaining. It all allows them to avoid boredom. The “like” factor from social media that feeds much of their belief they’re the center of their own universe also feeds this lie—many regularly check on the number of their likes and followers and use the numbers and comments to keep them happy.
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The isolation that comes with too much technology use can cause depression. So, children turn back to their tools. Also, because the world doesn’t work like technology, they can be angry, demanding, and miserable. Not everything is fun, about them, and easy. They can be angry with themselves and others. I tell children all the time that it’s not their parents’ job to make them or keep them happy.
“Technology teaches children that everything can be easy, and they can always get a higher score on a game if they play long enough. They can have what they want now; it’s new, they can personalize it, and it’s entertaining. It all allows them to avoid boredom." Kathy Koch
We must prioritize joy over happiness, contentment over entitlement, and effort over laziness. We can model and teach the difference between wanting something and needing something so they learn to wait. We can be present and listen longer to help them process the negative feelings they’re trying to avoid. We can model our dependence on God and cultivate thankfulness and joy. If they don’t learn to understand that life is different from technology, a mental health crisis can be right around the corner. If your children are demanding, complaining, and arguing, you’re not alone. If you see them running from grief, fear, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, and loss, you’re not alone. Talk with them about this lie and how it’s controlling their choices and their reactions. Stand up for yourselves and explain that you don’t work like their technology. Be strong! We need to teach truth about what to expect from the world and we need to be able to handle their anger toward us. If we give in and do what they want, we’re no different from an app on their phone they control. We won’t be helping them live healthy and mature lives.
Lie #3: I Must Have Choices When I teach parents about these technology lies, I introduce this lie by reminding the moms they are not short-order cafeteria cooks. They’re not paid and there’s no menu on the wall. If they planned to serve spaghetti, they don’t need to make anything else. Children can eat it or go to bed hungry. They laugh and often clap. I don’t think they’re clapping for me. I think they’re clapping for themselves because they want the courage to say “no” to their children. I understand why children want choice. It allows them to stay happy and feel like they’re the center of the universe. Also, because of drop-down menus and the large number of apps, websites, television channels, movies, songs, and other things available, children think choice is their right. We who are older usually understand that choice is a privilege. Are your children more demanding than you ever pictured them being? If they’re hard to satisfy, pushing back against your expectations and policies, and doing their own thing far too often, this lie is at least partly responsible. This is another motivation to get them to put their devices down. We can provide choices when we can, but let’s hold our ground when it’s not best or convenient. Let’s also model and explain better standards than happiness, especially when making important decisions. Think about your standards. How do you choose what to believe, how to behave, and what to do? Teach those standards, how to make decisions, and how to handle consequences well when they make unwise choices. If children don’t learn from their mistakes or immature decisions because we protect them from feeling any “pain,” they won’t mature and grow in appropriate independence.
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Lie #4: I am My Own Authority There are many reasons children believe they don’t need anyone, and they can be their own authority. Their devices connect them to information and answers. Rather than looking for parents to talk with or asking teachers questions the next time they’re in school, they can “google it.” Websites with search engines and apps quickly offer information. We can look up the weather, hours when stores are open, check restaurant menus, and get directions, definitions, and answers to math problems all with a few clicks. We can ask Siri all types of questions. We all benefit from these fabulous conveniences. Unfortunately, though, children can get the wrong idea that they don’t need anyone. And it’s another reason they look addicted to tech and may be. They want and need their devices nearby. There are additional reasons children believe this lie. For example, there is no clear standard of right and wrong in our culture. Many authority figures from government, schools, and the church have failed us. Television shows and movies often have no authority
figures in them, or the authority figures are shown as out-of-touch and clueless. This is especially true for traditional family authority figures like dads. Therefore, our children may develop the attitude of “I know as much as other people. I can’t trust them to be right. I might as well be in charge.” This is dangerous for all children and certainly for those in new cultures. They truly may not understand enough about the culture, language, money, transportation, authority systems, and the like. Being totally independent isn’t wise. A healthy interdependence is.
“I understand why children want choice. It allows them to stay happy and feel like they’re the cen-ter of the universe. Also, because of dropdown menus and the large number of apps, websites, television channels, movies, songs, and other things available, children think choice is their right.” Kathy Koch
Do you see how the lies feed each other? Children who think they’re their own authority can act like they’re the center of their own universe. They don’t need others. They stay happy by determining their own version of what’s best and by rejecting leaders and others with information they disagree with. They make choices that will allow them to be their own authority. When we’re available and fully present to our children, they are more able to come to us for answers and insights. We have more hope of influencing their beliefs. Do they see us being teachable? How do we handle it when we don’t know something? When they see us turn to God’s Word, pray, wait for answers, and prioritize church and our relationships with spiritual leaders, they may want to do the same.
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Lie #5: Information is All I Need So I Don't Need Teachers While watching a movie with my nieces and nephew, I verbalized a question on my mind about one of the stars. Before I knew it, two of them had the answer. They had used Google or Siri. Children are very used to having information at their fingertips. This also explains children’s desire to have their phone with them at all times. It also unpacks the authority lie further. Adults know wisdom matters more than information. It’s why we crave more than the data available from Siri and even a search from a website. It’s why we want and need authority and teachers. On our own we can’t know enough. We’ve also lived long enough to believe more easily than young people that God is wise and His ways are worth searching out. We want to be taught by Him and we want more of what He offers. Children aren’t satisfied by information only because it’s easily accessible. They may conclude it’s all that’s necessary because they’re tested often in school and many assignments also stress rote learning and not the application of ideas and wisdom. It’s understandable that they think they can find what they need on their own.
believe? What if they don’t choose an idea and that makes someone unhappy? What if ideas limit their choices? If I choose to believe “this” than I can’t believe “that.” See? The lies are enmeshed. Again, it’s why children say they need their phone and time on devices. Changes in their behavior may not come easily, but with the right ideas implemented, change will occur.
Conclusion I pray that understanding these lies has helped you understand why children feel they must have their devices nearby and on. Because we must care about their hearts and their character, we must do the hard work of teaching and reinforcing boundaries. Talk with your children. Show them the connection between these lies and their attitudes. When I teach preteens, teens, and young adults about these lies, many are very grateful. They sincerely tell me that they don’t want to argue (so often) with their parents. They don’t want to be demanding and complaining. They didn’t connect their behavior and choices to their use of technology. They understand it when I explain it. The good news is that when we help children reject even one lie and embrace truth of even one lie, changes can be quickly obvious across other lies. Start somewhere and expect and watch for growth.
Along with the other lies, this explains the school and church dropout rate, rebellion, lack of teachability, and how easily some young people get into trouble because they make foolish decisions. Children and young adults who turn their back on God after having earlier declared belief, love, and commitment may also have succumbed to this lie. Everyone can have information that might look equally good and convincing. Without teachers teaching, children will be at a loss. They need standards to use when choosing what to believe and act upon. However, which authority will they
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About Author Dr. Kathy Koch Dr. Kathy Koch (“cook”), is the founder and president of Celebrate Kids, Inc., based in Fort Worth, Texas. She has influenced thousands of parents, teachers, children, and teens in 30 countries through keynote messages, seminars, chapels, banquet talks, and other events. She is a regular speaker for Summit Ministries, Axis, Care Net, and many homeschool conventions. She also speaks for other organizations, churches, schools, and pregnancy resource centers. She is also a popular guest on Focus on the Family radio, was featured as the technology expert in Kirk Cameron’s movie, Connect: Real Help for Parenting Kids in a Social Media World. She has written and published five books with Moody Publishers, including Five to Thrive, Start with the Heart, Screens and Teens, 8 Great Smarts, and No More Perfect Kids. Dr. Kathy earned a Ph.D. in reading and educational psychology from Purdue University.
Trust-Based Relational Intervention for TCKs Bethanie Skipper
Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) is a program designed for parents, caregivers, and teachers to help build trusting relationships with children. By definition it “is an attachment-based, trauma-informed intervention that is designed to meet the complex needs of vulnerable children.” When a baby cries in a normal, healthy environment the parent says, “I will comfort you.” The parent continues to provide comfort for the child’s needs until the child learns for himself that he has a voice to express his needs and learns to trust the parent to meet those needs. This is one of the key lessons that children learn during their first year of life. But when this cycle of needs expressed and consistently met is interrupted by any form of neglect, abuse, illness, or trauma the healthy mental, emotional, and physical development of the child can be interrupted. TBRI can be used to address third-culture kid (TCK) issues from a developmental perspective. Most TCKs who struggle with transitions and emotional health have experienced some form of trauma early in their development due to their many life transitions. TBRI’s framework can be applied to support TCKs as they navigate different life seasons and can aid in their experiencing healthier, smoother transitions.
Overview of TBRI Dr. Karyn Purvis, co-founder of the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University (TCU) in Fort Worth, Texas, and co-creator of Trust-Based Relational Intervention, explains it in this way: “Many children today come from difficult and painful backgrounds. As a result, their capacity to trust has been severely damaged. When children cry and nobody comes, it dramatically alters the brain chemistry of a child. The child who has experienced loss, abuse or trauma has no hope of healing without experiencing a nurturing relationship with parents or other significant adults. Whenever I make time and space for a child or give them touch or my words, I’m taking him/her back to the beginning and empowering them. I’m giving them what they should have received from loving parents who said to them, ‘When you cry, I will come.’” Continues Purvis, “The phenomenal thing about TrustBased Relational Intervention is that when we connect with the child, build a relationship and create a safe environment for him or her, we actually change the chemistry of their brain and how it is wired. This is the foundation of what we are and what we do. When the child talks, do I stop what I am doing and listen to them or talk with him/her? Do I make eye contact with him/her and connect? This is the essence of mindfulness. When the child is cold, hungry, or afraid, this is all balanced when the caregiver comes and gives warmth. All regulation occurs first with an outside, external regulator.
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“So, in the beginning, I as the caregiver regulate all. If the child is cold, I bring warmth. If the child is crying, I bring myself. Through my regulation, the child’s brain develops its capacity for self-regulation. If a child doesn’t have this experience, they don’t feel safe. The chemistry of their brain can be altered by knowing that they are safe, by having healthy/nutritious food, by my environmental control of the child’s emotions and by appropriate exercise on a regular basis. So, we can balance the brain’s chemistry by creating a new, holistic environment.” Purvis adds, “You may be saying, ‘What about the child’s behavior?’ You’re right. We do have to deal with their behavior. Correction means showing the child right behavior, praising him when he gets it and showing him until he gets it right without shame or fear. As a result, the child learns and knows success and not a greater sense of failure.” The message of hope Dr. Purvis offers families dealing with trauma challenges is that TBRI can help children achieve dramatic levels of healing. When considering TBRI for TCKs, we know the life of a TCK has many layers. But if we commit ourselves to aiding the whole child, investing time and energy, and providing resources such as TBRI, healthy transitions can be achieved. And TCKs can have the tools to navigate their seasons of life.
My Experience with TBRI As a TCK (missionary kid) raised in Costa Rica, Argentina, and Mexico, I have seen firsthand how TCKs dealing with multiple traumatic experiences struggle in different transitions and life seasons. Our message of hope for TCKS struggling with trauma due to life transitions is Christ. In my current role as Executive Dean of TCK Education, I am grateful for the knowledge and experiences the Lord has given me. I now use these to help TCKs and their families. My first exposure to Trust-Based Relational Intervention came when I received the program training while a school counselor for Fort Worth Independent School District in Texas. Since our school district was in “TCU’s backyard,” all of the district counselors were trained in TBRI. Then each counselor trained the teachers at his or her school, with the hope they would empower, connect, and correct students’ behaviors for their long-term success. In TBRI, the key to success is relationship. Having trustbased relationships is where TBRI principles can provide tools for TCKs struggling through traumas as well as
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support for them through their varied life experiences. I’ve often used pieces of TBRI with families in our organization to support their TCKs. Different program components can help in multiple areas. This includes helping families who struggle with homeschooling/behavioral issues at home, giving tools to caregivers who staff our programs for those returning to the U.S. after living overseas or newly appointed personnel preparing to go overseas, and faculty in an international school setting. Whether you are a parent, caregiver, or teacher, TBRI can be a helpful resource for your interactions with TCKs.
Using TBRI in TCK Support Systems TBRI at its core provides self-regulation strategies and trauma support that can be applied to TCKs. They can be implemented by parents, caregivers, and teachers. Because TCKs are sometimes vulnerable due to the many transitions in their lives, whether planned or an evacuation, they meet the criteria for TBRI strategies. TBRI focuses first on empowering children to meet their physical needs; second, on connecting to meet attachment needs, and third, on correcting which addresses fearbased behaviors. TBRI was originally designed for children from “hard places”—those who have experienced some type of abuse, neglect, and/or trauma. But it has been proven to be effective with all children and youth. It is effective because it is based on research, theory, and experience. By applying TBRI basic principles, we can help TCKs return to a normal developmental trajectory. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network states, “Complex trauma describes both the children’s exposure to multiple traumatic events, often of an invasive, interpersonal nature, and the wide-ranging, long-term impact of this exposure.” We know TCKs face many different and difficult situations they would not necessarily face in their parents’ home passport culture. They can also experience complex trauma overseas or during transitions. Here are some situations that can be traumatic for children: domestic violence, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, neglect, chronic hunger, homelessness, a personal chronic medical condition or ongoing illness, incarceration of parent/caregiver, drug or alcohol addiction of parent/caregiver, parent is a prostitute or prostitutes the child, community violence, death of a loved one (mother, father, sibling, aunt, uncle, etc.), or natural disaster. While these situations are general traumatic experiences, those highlighted in bold can be common ones for TCKs.
Complex trauma can inhibit academic and social success. Research indicates that complex trauma can reduce a child’s ability to engage in the classroom, follow basic directions, regulate their emotions, and/or complete ageappropriate tasks. When children are in a state of alarm caused by trauma, or a fight/flight/freeze scenario, learning is simply not possible. Dr. Karyn Purvis says, “When you connect to the heart of a child, everything is possible.” Connecting is an underlying theme in many publications and trainings about TBRI. Looking at this biblically, it connects back to God and our need for him and for understanding he created us to have a relationship with him. This need to connect applies to TCKs in their relationships with parents, caregivers, and teachers.
Connecting children by being mindful and self-
2. aware, having a calm presence, being flexible when responding, and being able to compromise on some of the choices you give them. Being engaged in connecting means placing value on and practicing eye contact, playful interactions, and even hugs or high fives. Correcting children involves using positive
3. redirection tools such as “Use your words,” and “Be gentle and kind.” There are ways to talk to children without raising your voice or showing disrespect, while still correcting undesirable behavior. Be responsive versus reactive by making the conversation and directions personal—being direct, engaging through eye contact, and using fewer words, especially with young children.
Effective Tools The Engine Plate: The Alert Program provides a tool called the Engine Plate which works well with younger TCKs. It helps them answer the question “How does your engine run?” Assist the child in making his or her own Engine Plate. Cut a paper plate in half or cut a semi-circle out of construction paper. Use a marker or crayon to divide the half plate into three pie shapes. Starting on the left third, write “Too Low”; in the center, write “Just Right”; and in the right third, write “High.” Cut out an arrow and attach to the bottom of the plate with a brad. The child can use it to indicate how he or she feels by moving it to the appropriate third of the Engine Plate.
Applying the TBRI Principles and Strategies to TCKs The three strategic principles of TBRI are empowering in the environment by meeting physical needs, connecting in mindfulness by engaging with the TCK, and correcting proactively by being responsive. Here are some practical ways these strategies can be used in a variety of settings, including school, home, and individual interactions with TCKs:
1.
Empower children by creating a safe place and providing traditions, rituals, and reminders. This can be especially important at home but can be applied in any setting. In addressing physical needs, empower children by providing hydration, healthy snacks, and movement to motivate the brain and body for health and growth. Dehydration alone can affect concentration, memory, mood, and anxiety levels.
Too Low means I feel tired and am having trouble paying attention. I need a boost of energy. Just Right means I feel calm and am working well with others. High means I feel heated and can’t pay attention. I need to calm my body and mind. Children can use this tool each day to show their parents, caregivers, or teachers how they are doing and feeling (how their engine is running). This tool requires them to know their own body, how their brain works, what they need to be able to perform, and where they can learn and grow. Tools like the Engine Plate can be used to help the children gauge their feelings and then express them to the parents, caregivers, or teachers. It provides children with a quick way to assess and express internal emotional and physical functioning. It helps to improve self-regulation by pairing emotion with helpful behavior and with practice. Children will begin to identify their feelings and emotions so that they can proactively address their own needs.
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The Stoplight can be used instead of, or in conjunction with, the Engine Plate. The Stoplight tool also helps TCKs describe how they are feeling. A stoplight’s red light = too high, a green light = just right, and a yellow light = too low. Children must be taught the descriptive phrases listed above early on in the implementation process. Discuss with them how their body works and explain what they need to do or how to respond, based on what level they are experiencing. Talk about what stimuli can trigger a feeling of being too high, what actions or activities help them to feel just right, and what influences them when they feel too low.
and regulate themselves in order to help children regulate their own emotions. Becoming attuned to a child’s verbal and physical cues can help parents, caregivers, and teachers meet a TCK’s needs quickly and sensitively, furthering a secure connection.
Feeling too high might mean a child feels mad, hyper, or even worried or scared. Some ways to combat feeling too high include deep breathing or physically striking a chair or wall to release pent-up energy. When a child feels just right, it should mean he is on task, happy, and focused. When he feels just right, it will help him make good choices, learn, and make friends. When a child feels too low, she may be sad, tired, or just doesn’t care. Some ways to combat the feeling of too low is to stand up and stretch, drink water, and do some general movements like walking, jumping jacks, or playing.
“Tools like the Engine Plate can be used to help the children gauge their feelings and then express them to the parents, caregivers, or teachers." Bethanie Skipper In his book, The Whole-Brain Child, Dr. Dan Siegel states, “You have to Name it to Tame it.” Meaning, you have to name what you’re feeling, which is an important part of self-regulation. When TCKs first read the book Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds, by Dave C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken, they often realize they have experienced common TCK transitions and trauma. However, they never knew there was a name for their feelings or that others have had similar experiences. Being able to identify their feelings can help TCKs through transitions and start the healing process. In trust-based relationships, connecting before you redirect is not just being mindful and self-aware, but it is also bringing your complete attention to the present moment. Parents, caregivers, and teachers must stay calm
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Being engaged/bonding with a child can happen by building a connection through appropriate touch, validating eye contact, playful nicknames, friendly greetings, and giving voice to them. Typically, when a baby cries, the caregiver goes to the baby, works to figure out what is wrong and tries to comfort accordingly. The same approach can be applied to children and youth. When a TCK uses his voice to express what he’s feeling, caregivers should determine what is causing the trauma, understand, and provide appropriate comfort. Many TCKs haven’t been given the opportunity to voice their feelings and experiences. Families who adopt a child from overseas have to navigate what he or she may have been exposed to before the adoption and reteach healthy behaviors. Purposeful engagement with children is meaningful and effective when done in small chunks throughout the day. Be intentional about meeting with TCKs individually or in small groups to encourage deeper engagement, depending on the setting.
Strategies and TCKs Proactive strategies balance structure and nurture with the child. Caregivers should be respectful, nurturing, and interactive with them. Sharing power, when appropriate, while also setting limits, helps caregivers make it clear they are a safe adult who is in charge. Teach TCKs about choices, compromises, and self-regulation in a playful way and when they are in a calm, alert state. Responsive strategies require an immediate response, within three seconds, to a TCK who is starting to exhibit negative behavior or responses. Be direct, get on the child’s level, and make eye contact. Be efficient by using a response appropriate for the child’s behavior and offer choices and compromises, using playful engagement. Sometimes a positive response to a negative action is allowing a “Re-do” or taking time to explain a teachable moment to the child instead of giving an immediate consequence. Level the response at the behavior, not the child. Remind new caregivers who haven’t had training that leveling the response at the behavior and not the child can be key in correcting an unwanted behavior.
When redirecting TCKs, use as few words as possible. Just as in correcting, find out what different needs they each have. Ask them, “What do you need?” Because they grew up overseas, some TCKs have different needs and have learned different ways to express their needs. It depends on the cultural influences of the countries in which they’ve lived. Make time for the TCK to recharge and start fresh each day. Use the common TBRI language with everyone, including phrases such as, “Use your words,” “Have fun,” “Listen to your body,” “Be gentle and kind,” and “Re-do.” I believe that by implementing TBRI strategies and principles, parents, caregivers, or teachers can better support your TCKs through all their transitions. Here are some ways to use TBRI with TCKs: Train staff as TCK program caregivers Provide professional development training for teachers working in a TCK or International school Guide parents with tips they can use at home as they support TCKs through transitions Encourage adult TCKs to acknowledge and move forward in dealing with their childhood transitions and trauma.
“The goal is always to create opportunities for positive, appropriate touch and connection that are comfortable for the TCKs. Provide them with a “Time In” calming space where they can process their thoughts and emotions.." Bethanie Skipper TBRI can be flexible in its approach. Be creative in implementing the main components of empowering, connecting, and correcting. Remember to connect before you redirect. Connect by using friendly greetings, nicknames, appropriate physical interaction, and eye contact. Empower by encouraging TCKs to drink water, giving them something to fidget with, letting them get up and move around, and having them practice breathing exercises. Correct them by offering choices, making compromises, offering Re-do’s, and asking the TCK, “What do you need?” Research other techniques TCKs can use to practice self-regulation. The goal is always to create opportunities for positive, appropriate touch and connection that are comfortable for the TCKs. Provide them with a “Time In” calming space where they can process their thoughts and emotions.
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Bethanie Skipper Bethanie Skipper—has served (since 2017) as the Executive Dean of TCK Education for the International Society of Missionary Kids (ISMK) with the Assemblies of God. She was born in Texas, moved to Costa Rica to minister with her family and spent her childhood in Argentina and Mexico using many different schooling options. She has a BA in Elementary Education, a M.Ed in School Counseling and is a certified classroom and Bilingual/ESL teacher. She taught as a classroom teacher in traditional and homeschool settings and worked with special needs kids as well as provided school counseling support at all school levels. She was the ISMK office coordinator for five years and volunteered as an education consultant for eight years.
References Used and Additional Resources: This article highlights components of strategies and principles taught within the program. For a more in-depth implementation, it is recommended to obtain official TBRI training and/or review additional resources provided by the Dr. Karyn Purvis and TCU’s Institute of Child Development (https://child.tcu.edu/aboutus/tbri/). Other helpful resources include: Siegel, Daniel J. and Bryson, Tina Payne. (2012) The WholeBrain Child. Bantam Books. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network: https://www.nctsn.org/ The Alert Program: https://www.alertprogram.com/ Pollock, David and Van Reken, Ruth. (2009). Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Nicholas Brealey.
“Being engaged/bonding with a child can happen by building a connection through appropriate touch, validating eye contact, playful nicknames, friendly greetings, and giving voice to them. Typically, when a baby cries, the caregiver goes to the baby, works to figure out what is wrong and tries to comfort accordingly. The same approach can be applied to children and youth. When a TCK uses his voice to express what he’s feeling, caregivers should determine what is causing the trauma, understand, and provide appropriate comfort.” Bethanie Skipper
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Children and Trauma John Leverington
Crisis events such as natural disasters, violent acts and serious accidents, are frightening to children and adults. It is important for parents, teachers, boarding home parents , and other caregivers of children to know how a crisis can affect them and how to help them deal with trauma. Children who experience an initial traumatic event before they are eleven years old are three times more likely to develop psychological symptoms than those who experience their first trauma as a teenager or later. While most children are resilient and recover from a traumatic event, the risks of developing spiritual, emotional , and psychological problems increase with multiple events and if the child’s need for safety and security are not recognized or are minimized. Children’s ability to deal with a traumatic event depends on a number of factors but is primarily dependent on the reaction of the parents or other adults who are in a care-taking role such as school personnel or boarding home parents. Children are good observers but poor interpreters of events. They see, hear, and feel the impact of a crisis and are very tuned in to the reactions of important
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adults to the event. The way they understand their parents’ or teachers’ responses is very important. Children are typically aware of adults’ anxieties and worries, but during a crisis they are particularly sensitive to the feelings of significant adults around them. As adults , we need to acknowledge our concerns to children in ageappropriate ways based on their needs rather than our own, and balance this with clear explanations of the ways we together can cope with the situation. Neither falsely minimizing the danger or failure to sufficiently answer the child’s questions regarding what happened out of a false sense of protection is helpful. It is important to invite them to process what they are hearing, seeing, and feeling by listening supportively without judgment or correction of their thoughts and feelings. Children vary in how they respond to trauma. Some children may not experience distress. Many will effectively process their distress in the days and weeks following the event if given the opportunity in a supportive environment. Others may have a delayed reaction after not showing
evidence of being upset for several weeks or even months. Children may not show a change in behavior but still need help. Thus, it is important to create opportunities to supportively allow the child to process the incident and watch for signs of trauma. Adults are often surprised that, even in the absence of physical injury, children may experience significant fear and exhibit unusual behaviors. It’s important to understand that young children have less experience in distinguishing a real threat from an imaginary one. Thus, they are more likely to experience fears surrounding the event that are unlikely to occur. It is important to understand that fantasized danger can be as real and as threatening as a “present danger” is to them, and therefore they need the same supportive response. Rather than being troubled that their behavior disrupts or interferes with daily routine, allow them safe opportunities to talk and work through the trauma as it impacted them. If they continue to demonstrate fear, disruptive behavior, or insecurities, setting up debriefing or trauma counseling with a qualified child therapist can provide the additional needed help as well as provide the parents with reassurance and tools to continue to help their child.
Factors Affecting a Child's Response to a Crisis A child’s reaction depends a lot on how directly the child was involved in the crisis event. If the child experienced injury or the death of others, it will have a more profound effect, particularly if it involves a family member, friend, classmate, or someone close to the child. This could also include a family pet. Also, if the event involves destruction of the child’s home, school, church, or any place that is a part of the child’s daily routine, there is a greater chance that the child will experience difficulties. A child’s age is also an important consideration in how the child will respond to a disaster. The younger the child, the less ability the child has to understand the event.
The typical reactions of: Pre-school children (infants to five-years-old): They cry a lot, demonstrate clinging behavior, chew clothing, sit in one place for prolonged periods of time, and become overactive or act out the trauma in play. Elementary age children (six to twelve-years-old): They often show a regression in behavior. Formerly mastered behaviors (such as thumb sucking, bedwetting, toilet training or sleeping alone) become more evident. The elementary-age child may also demonstrate stress either by becoming involved in fighting, being wild or overactive, or by isolating himself, refusing to do things or eating poorly. Watch also for symptoms of heightened anxiety including stomachaches, nightmares, or difficulty in carrying on the regular routine. This can happen to people of all ages, but children need special attention to help them get through it.
“Children are good observers but poor interpreters of events. They see, hear, and feel the impact of a crisis and are very tuned in to the reactions of important adults to the event." John Leverington Adolescents (thirteen-years old and older): They may show symptoms of trauma by changes in mood, being more irritable than usual, lacking concentration, not completing assignments, or not following directions. They may also become self-critical and experience survivor guilt.
Widely varying behaviors and emotions are normal reactions in the first days and weeks following a traumatic event and are experienced by most children. The long-term effects of trauma depend on the child’s age, maturity, ability to communicate, and relate to others, where the event takes place, and if the child or a close family member or friend is injured.
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However, the single best predictor of how well children deal with a trauma is the parents’ or significant adults’ response. Balancing appropriate expression of one’s own emotion, listening supportively to the child process the trauma, accompanied by reassurance to the child that you have a plan to get through the incident together will facilitate the child’s processing of the event. Regarding safety, it is important to ask children what they need to feel safe and then putting appropriate safety measures in place quickly, without guaranteeing them things you can’t provide. Keep your answers to children’s questions simple and age appropriate.
“the single best predictor of how well children deal with a trauma is the parents’ or significant adults’ response." John Leverington Remember that young children can employ “magical thinking” and may believe that they somehow caused the trauma. Reassure them that you know there is nothing they could have done to cause it or prevent it. Also reassure them that there is no right or wrong reaction and encourage them to talk with you about their feelings, fears, and questions. They may need to tell their story over and over again. Writing, drawing, and play are effective mediums to help children to process trauma. Allow them many ways to tell their story. Just as for adults, children often need to process the event numerous times before they can move beyond it effectively. A child who has experienced problems such as anxiety before a crisis is more vulnerable to developing symptoms after a traumatic event. Parents, teachers, and caregivers should pay particular attention to this child’s reactions, as it is likely he or she will need additional professional attention and support if problematic behaviors continue for more than a month.
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Response to Help Children Deal with a Crisis Debrief children after a crisis to let them tell their story and reveal any wrong assumptions, fears, or personal blaming they may be experiencing. After listening supportively, adults can help reframe the crisis for children without implying judgment or giving answers that don’t address the child’s questions, such as God “will make it all better.” Help children learn to use words that express their feelings, such as sad, scared, angry or happy. Remember, you as a teacher or parent have also been affected by this event, so be sure the words fit the child’s feelings and not yours. Reestablish a sense of order and routine. One way may be to try to keep to the daily structure as much as possible. A regular schedule helps recreate a sense of security for the child. Plan and carry out activities that will help the child process the incident. Encourage young children to use art (drawing, painting, clay modeling, and collage) to express their emotions. Older children can be offered opportunities to draw, write poems or journal their feelings. Display the children’s work or have them describe or read it to others.
Reassure children that the event is being dealt with appropriately, such as by people getting needed medical care, any needed security put in place, clean up or repairs to buildings being made, and support being offered to those affected by the trauma. Organize playtime to allow children to be children in order to overcome the focus the trauma has had on their lives. Develop play activities (through the use of puppets, art, music or drama) to facilitate the expression of feelings the trauma generated and develop effective coping strategies. Provide clothes, toys, and art materials so children can express creatively both their concerns and how others (nurses, policemen, firemen) are helping those hurt. After a crisis just the freedom to play and be children is important. Read stories about crisis situations and how people helped those involved. Stories that illustrate how God helped those involved and how other people cared for them after the disaster are especially effective.
Secondary reactions may emerge, such as fear of riding on a plane, going by the location where the trauma occurred, or parents leaving for work. Anticipating these and preparing for them, as well as being observant of children’s reactions in various situations after the trauma will help you continue to help children process and overcome the trauma’s effects. Remind children that they have support of people throughout the world. Share appropriate e-mails, texts or news articles from others who are empathizing with them and praying for them. This will reassure them that others care about them, making them feel less alone and vulnerable. Establish positive anniversary activities to recognize the event and commemorate those who died or the losses that were experienced, as well as progress in overcoming the effects of the event, and God’s presence in the midst of it. It is important to acknowledge and accept that there is still pain and sadness, but also celebrate survival.
Actively doing something to help others refocuses children’s thoughts or emotions in healthy ways without minimizing them. Think together with the children about ways to help those who were directly impacted by the trauma in concrete ways that fit with their age and abilities, such as collecting and delivering some needed goods, clothing, food or money, writing letters, sending pictures, baking food. Allow the children to be involved in both the planning and delivery. Parents and teachers should consider an increase in transition time between activities following a traumatic incident. For example, lengthening story telling or cuddling at bedtime may be necessary in the first several nights after a trauma. In the classroom, teachers can help students transition by allowing extra time to complete assignments or take a test since trauma decreases one’s ability to think clearly and effectively.
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Find practical ways to incorporate Bible promises that God is with us even in trauma (Isaiah 43:5 and Psalm 139). Together discuss ways God evidenced that care in this crisis event and thank Him for his provision. Pray with the children regarding their fears. Help them memorize an applicable Bible verse regarding His being with us, asking Him to help us overcome our fear but without minimizing the fear itself. Help children work through their normal questions regarding why God didn’t protect our family, their school or their friends from this trauma. Use this difficult situation to teach a more in-depth understanding of God’s sovereignty, man’s free will, and the work of Satan in the world.
Seek help from a counselor or mental health professional who has specialized training in treating children’s trauma.
“Four to six weeks after the event there should be definite signs of improvement in the child’s ability to deal with fears or anxieties related to the trauma. If the problems continue with no improvement for more than six weeks, or if behavior problems increase, it is important that qualified professional help be obtained." John Leverington
Look at Scriptures that express people’s feelings in the midst of trauma or uncertainty and how people dealt with them, like the Psalms and the example of David in 1Samuel 16-18, 20 and 21.
How to Determine if a Child Needs Professional Help If, after three or four weeks, the child’s symptoms continue to substantially interfere with his or her daily functioning to the point the child is not eating, sleeping or able to perform typical daily tasks, professional consultation is warranted. This does not mean the behaviors, fears or anxieties have to be gone, but that you can see continued gradual improvement. Four to six weeks after the event there should be definite signs of improvement in the child’s ability to deal with fears or anxieties related to the trauma. If the problems continue with no improvement for more than six weeks, or if behavior problems increase, it is important that qualified professional help be obtained. The longer this behavior continues without any improvement, the more difficult it can be to resolve. Getting help in a timely manner prevents more severe problems from developing.
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John Leverington
John Leverington has over 40 years of experience working as a therapist, consultant, trainer and supervisor. He has lived and served as a counselor in Papua New Guinea and currently serves as the Director of the Olive Tree Counseling Center in Turkey. He has worked with numerous other organizations responding to individual and group crisis situations in Eurasia, Africa, Asia and the Pacific.
Interact Calling All Writers and Researchers! We invite YOU to join a global, third-culture conversation! Interact is looking for contributions from researchers and practitioners focused on TCK care and education. If you or your organization would like to advertise in Interact, please contact us at the email below. Questions and submissions may be sent to: interact@interactionintl.org
CONVERSATION:
COPING WITH CRISIS
Laura Mae Gardner (LM)
Dick Gardner (DG)
Howie Bowman (HB)
The following interview was conducted with Laura Mae Gardner and Dick Gardner and Howie Bowman of the counseling department of Wycliffe. It focuses on helping children cope when a crisis has occurred whether it is COVID, evacuation, a terrorist attack, a kidnapping or hostage situation, a suicide, a divorce, or other events that can be traumatic for children. While these things can be difficult for children to face, how parents, teachers and caregivers handle them greatly affects the long-term impact they have on children.
When we talk about crisis situations with sending agencies, schools or families, we often speak in narrow terms about an extremely dangerous, traumatic situation that happens and is over quickly. We usually don’t talk about it as an ongoing event that lasts a long time. So, how would you define or broaden that concept?
Dick Gardner: I think another factor that comes into play here is the loss of personal safety. Often, a child may feel out of control or that his environment is out of control.
Howie Bowman: I would define crisis as any event in a person's life that abruptly changes his or her life and emotional well-being. It also involves loss, whether it is the loss of a person, location and/or vocation.
Children are comforted by the presence of people, not by information. If information is not conveyed or is withheld from them because we don't feel they can handle it, they still experience the feelings and react to the tensions. Kids are conductors and sensors who pick-up on what's going on around them.
Laura Mae: I agree with Howie. Often our preparation seems to focus only on equipping adults to deal with highlevel crisis situations. It does not seem to prepare families in a preventive way, give specialized predictive help (although things are moving much more in that direction) or address the emotional impact of crises (or its on-going impact) in age-related ways. It is important for us as organizations and families to have thought through the contingencies that may develop and prepare adults and children for them appropriately.
JB: What makes a crisis such an intense emotional experience, especially for children?
LM: Distance from home is another important factor. For an older child at boarding school, home may be the setting in which he or she has grown up. For a young child, it may be distance from parents. However, contact with support makes a big difference. Certainly, this is true for adults as well as children.
When predictable, sturdy, stable people are seen weeping, preoccupied and tense, when people are leaving suddenly, and when their sense of security is shaken, children are often left wondering. They frequently ask three questions: “Are you also going to leave me?” “Who is going to take care of me?” and “Is this going to happen to me?” Often, in the midst of a crisis, we don't take time to reassure children. I think our assumption is that children don't need to know, and our lack of awareness regarding the impact trauma has on kids at various ages keeps us from providing them with ageappropriate help and resources.
LM: The literature on invulnerable children helps us at this point. It’s a startling fact and has been of great interest to some people. Some children can experience great trauma and yet come out unscathed or even stronger. What are the factors behind this? Longevity studies have been done with children from dysfunctional or abusive families and we should pay great attention to the findings.
The factors that enabled these children to survive trauma include: the proximity of parents (or substitute parents), the supportiveness of parents (or substitute parents), having other interests, learning to read at an early age, exposure to a world outside the family as well as a world outside the present, and faith or spiritual beliefs. It seems to me that these things have particular impact and offer preventive help as we work with our families.
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JB: How does the age of a child impact the way he or she perceives, experiences, or responds to a crisis situation? DG: Very young children are usually not as affected as those beginning to sense the outside world. LM: Another factor that makes a great difference in the child's ability to handle trauma is the relative health of the family and its strength. Figley, a trauma specialist from Purdue University, discusses this in his book entitled Helping Traumatized Families. He and a team of researchers helped the families of 52 Americans who were taken hostage in Iran. They paid particular attention to the effect of trauma on the. I think (and Figley addresses this as well) that family becomes crucial to the child's ability to handle trauma and crisis. Functional families can walk through almost any crisis, while dysfunctional families cannot.
JB: What are the critical steps that all children must walk through regardless of their age in handling a crisis? What are the specific things that are appropriate and necessary to help children at certain ages? LM: Children of any age can react to trauma and crisis with fears and worries as well as sleep disturbances. Young children who are preschool age lack the verbal skills to communicate how they are feeling. They will often express their emotions nonverbally through crying, whimpering, clinging and hyperactivity. They are also likely to experience fears, worries and somatic problems, perhaps along with some compulsive and regressive behaviors, separation anxiety, and sleep disturbances.
School-age children may experience all of these responses such as fantasies, anger, acting out behaviors, school problems, apathy, withdrawal, personality changes, and sadness, possibly even to the point of depression. Adolescents can respond and express their feelings through withdrawal, apathy, depression (with or without suicidal ideation), chronic sadness, etc. Additionally, they
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may respond by acting out in anger, hostility, belligerence, interpersonal problems, school problems, etc. Anxiety can also be a significant factor for adolescents. When they were speaking at a conference, John Powell and Esther Schubert, two psychologists who served our sending agencies, identified two major stressors for adolescents. One stressor is separation from home and the other is transitions. In times of crisis, often both are happening simultaneously to the young person. Thus, you have a situation where the child faces double jeopardy. In contrast, a young person here in the States is dealing with only single jeopardy from whatever traumatic event has occurred. This was true for our family when we returned to the States from serving in Mexico. Our boys were both entering junior high. That by itself was tough. However, they also went from a classroom of seven in Mexico to a school of 2,000 here in the U.S. That was also tough. In addition, they were also changing countries and locations as well as leaving friends and churches behind. So, our family experienced double jeopardy. Unfortunately, we were not aware of it at the time, and so were not able to give our children as much support as we would have liked. I think all children need supportive, loving adults no matter what their age. For young children, these supportive, loving adults need to be parents or parent substitutes. Children ages six to eleven are old enough to add a teacher or someone besides their parents to play this role. For adolescents, interpersonal skills become extremely important because they are quite likely to talk with each another. The presence of friends is very important for them. This makes me concerned for homeschooling families who face crisis situations. What will a family living in a remote, isolated location with children ages 13 to 18 do when a traumatic event occurs? Their children are at ages where they are trying to become emotionally separate from their parents. In addition, they may not have peers available, and they may or they may not have a warm, confiding relationship with their parents.
Care and COVID Laura Mae Gardner I think the challenge we face today because of COVID is quite different from past crisis situations such as evacuation, civil war/unrest, riots, kidnapping, suicide, and terrorism. As a result, let me suggest three ways that caregiving today must be different especially in light of an environment dominated by COVID. Social Media In earlier days, information could be somewhat contained or at least managed. Due to the worldwide spread of social media, information today is everywhere and often is contradictory. Usually it is presented in dramatic and extreme forms, and it is difficult to determine the truth. This makes it very hard to protect our children from this information onslaught. Face and Identity We have words for past crises such as those listed above. However, the COVID virus has no “face”; there is no way to see it coming. We don’t know how long it will last. We don’t know what is causing it, or when or whether there will be a vaccine for it or if it will be available to the public. It is hard to be angry with or cope with such subjective uncertainty.
The Danger COVID poses a danger that is unending and everywhere. It could last a long time. We could be infected by our good friend. Our children must be cautioned about their play and their playmates. This means that parents must limit their children’s playmates, opportunities for school and appropriate customary freedom. Such uncertainty promotes feelings of helplessness.
How do parents cope in a situation like this? How do we caution our children without creating a spirit of fearfulness? What can an organization do to bring stability and peace to this situation? All of the cautions mentioned earlier, all of the realities of the difference in our children and the ways they react to or respond to uncertainty, fear, threat, loss—all those apply to this COVID situation. But perhaps there is more we can do. I believe the answer is quite simple. We must be people of faith and courage, exuding these qualities in every encounter with everyone, and especially within our homes and with our children. God has not abandoned His people and will not do so now. This is a timely opportunity to dig deeply into God’s Word with our families and find stories and strategies there to help us now. We must memorize Scripture, sing together and pray together. We can use this time of isolation to great benefit. Another strategy is awareness. Often fear and anger are connected. Fear is contagious, contaminating, and confusing. Anger gives energy and provides focus. Parents, teachers, personnel staff must be aware that anger may be a cover for deep fear. Let’s remind ourselves that the most frequent command in Scripture is “fear not.” Finally, husband and wife should be in agreement on matters of child and family care, protective devices, and attitudes. Because of the restrictions of COVID, the family is together for longer periods of time. Parents should intentionally provide space for the other parent. We all need time alone to think, to recharge, and to pray. Time apart can be a great gift spouses can give to each another.
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JB: What are the critical steps that all children must walk through regardless of their age in handling a crisis? What are the specific things that are appropriate and necessary to help children at certain ages? LM: We’ve overlooked this and are only now beginning to understand the importance and value of debriefing. This help comes in part from the work of Dr. Karen Carr. Her research found that debriefing within 48-72 hours after a traumatic event helps to minimize the long-term impact of post-traumatic stress disorder. Group debriefings can be very valuable as in cases of evacuation. Dick and I have seen this personally a number of times as we've worked with groups coming out of civil war, terrorism, genocide, etc.
We are not just talking about debriefing adults but also about debriefing children. However, this raises important questions. How should it be done? Who should conduct the debriefing? Who should be present when it is done? We must pay particular attention to the debriefing of children as part of our work with the whole group. What we have done is to meet with the adults first and explain things to them. “Your children are likely to experience and respond to this traumatic event in the following ways. We are willing to meet with them in their school-age groups in the presence of their teacher. Any parents who would like to attend are welcome.” When it was over, we reported back to the parents and told them what we had shared with the children. If there was a significant emotional experience with any individual child, we conveyed that to his or her parents privately. Parents need reassurance that the mental health professional isn’t creating more trouble. They need to know what will be said to their children. This is important because often parents are un-aware of their children’s anxieties. Sometimes it may be because they are still shaken by the trauma themselves. Other times, it may be that they just don't understand how the crisis will im-pact their child.
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JB: In helping children cope with a crisis, parents, teachers, schools and sending agencies have distinct roles to play. Since we were just talking about parents, that may be a great place to begin. What can parents do to support a child who has experienced a traumatic event? DG: It is important for them to allow children to feel and to have their feelings. In addition, it's important to be aware of what are normal reactions for a child and allow them to act out their feelings without being punished for them. LM: It’s also important that parents understand where their children are developmentally and how that impacts their processing of trauma. Often children have feelings but may not have the language and accurate names for them. An adult will be able to recognize that they are responding in grief, frustration, or anger. However, a child will express that not with words, but in his or her behavior.
At this point, it may be good to note that I’m talking about kids in general. Sometimes a ten-year-old can find it very
difficult to say, “I’m depressed.” He’s not likely to say that. Instead, he is more likely to hit, push people away, and say, “I don’t like you!” Thus, a parent needs to be an accurate interpreter of his or her child. It is important that parents acknowledge the presence of and understand the feelings of their child. In addition, providing him or her with emotional warmth and closeness is important and gives the child a sense of support. It seems to me that at all stages and ages, parents have an obligation or at least the great privilege of connecting their children to their Heavenly Father. True comfort comes from the Lord and from knowing that we can call on Him at any time, day or night. That’s an ongoing resource for them throughout life. Parents would do well to help their children identify that resource early in their lives. HB: Sometimes there’s a need for some parents who may be going through trauma themselves to not only recognize the needs of their child, but also then to find someone else who can step in and take their place for a while in the meeting those needs. Often, in the midst of a crisis, parents can’t or don’t have the emotional resources or strength left to give to their child or to meet their needs.
DG: I agree. Allowing the child to be with friends is important, even when making the arrangements to do this is not easy or convenient. Often, when parents themselves are going through significant trauma, they forget or just don’t want the extra burden of packing up and doing what is necessary for the child to have the time he or she needs to be with friends. LM: I also think flexing the rules a little bit can be helpful. I’ve noticed that when trauma happens and things are out of control, people have a deep sense that something is going on that they can’t control or fix. When this happens, administrators and parents tend to tighten control on the things they can control. Some administrators will make the rules more rigid. It suddenly becomes exceedingly important that every little rule is followed. They could relax and I think parents could do this as well. For example, the small child may never be allowed into mom and dad’s bed. However, this once they could be helped to relax or be comforted by doing this.
JB: Since you just mentioned administrators, let’s talk about the school community. There are two distinct groups who impact the child during a crisis: the school administration (through its policies, procedures , and decisions) and the classroom teachers. The administrative team may be the ones to break the news to students, provide counseling resources, etc. However, the teacher will be the one to interact daily with children who have been and are being impacted by the crisis. LM: Providing appropriate forums for talking is important. For example, when a suicide occurs within a school community or on the field, often the question comes from those handling the situation, “What should I do?” My response is that, although it is important that adults have opportunity to talk, it is also equally important that children talk in age-related groups with a facilitator.
What children should be included? My guidelines are based on the age of the family members involved. If, for
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JB: One of the questions that school administrators and sending agency leaders often wrestle with is how much information should be shared, especially in our close communities where people seem to feel a great need to know everything . How much information should be shared about traumatic events, especially with children?
example, the person who took his life was a parent with a son or daughter in third grade, there should be an opportunity for these children to talk about their feelings and about what has happened. If the person had a brother or sister in second grade, there should be a forum for them to share their emotions. Providing places and groups where children can voice their feelings is important, although sometimes those feelings may need to be primed a bit. The platform for and the legitimacy of expressing emotions is something that must be affirmed. I think that information is also important for all school personnel, not just for teachers. For example, the question is often raised, “Is suicide contagious among teenagers?” I think the question is raised because often there is more than one suicide or attempt. It isn’t contagious, but suicides often occur in clusters because kids do tend to do things together. If they see a completed suicide and that the person has gotten attention as a result, others may consider it, especially since the finality of death has not yet hit them. Thus, after a completed suicide, it is extremely important for the school staff to talk honestly with the rest of the students. They need to say, “Some of you are probably thinking about this. Here are some things you need to consider. If you are thinking the following things, here are some people you can talk to today.” We need to educate our school personnel and convince teachers that they are key people. The friendships they have built with students are going to be very important. They need to leave slots open in their schedule for individual students to come and talk.
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DG: One guideline to keep in mind is that children should be given enough information to give them comfort, but not enough information to retraumatize them. Let’s use the suicide illustration. I think students need to know not just that the person died, but that it was in fact a suicide. However, you don’t necessarily have to give them the details of the method and how it was done. There may be occasions when they do need to know how it was done, but the guideline still remains—not to present information so graphically that it leaves pictures imprinted on students’ minds.
“I also think flexing the rules a little bit can be helpful. I’ve noticed that when trauma happens and things are out of control, people have a deep sense that something is going on that they can’t control or fix. When this happens, administrators and parents tend to tighten control on the things they can control..” Laura Mae Gardner
JB: How far do you go in dealing with the rumors that inevitably circulate and in clarifying misinformation?
approach the child and create opportunities for them to express their feelings. Knowing that there has been a trauma, teachers should not simply assume that child is misbehaving.
LM: People need to be told truth. They can handle truth, especially when it is not complicated by having previously been told a lie, an innuendo, or a secret. Both children and adults do not have to be given all the details. However, if you withhold some details, it is important to tell them why. For example, if a man or woman is taken as a hostage and they are not being treated well, you can’t tell the group all those details. However, you can say, “There are things we can’t tell you because they impinge on the safety of that person.”
Most people can handle that and can understand it if they know there are good reasons why they aren't told everything. However, if they feel untrusted, that is a different matter. I think of a suicide situation where the word was put out that it was stress related. This immediately caused women to start thinking, “My husband is under stress. Will he take his own life?” In one case, the explanation given for a woman's suicide was that she was menopausal. Many husbands thought, “Oh, my wife’s menopausal. Is she likely to do the same thing?” In these cases, the misinformation created more stress rather than lessened it. It seems to be important that we accurately explain what happened with enough details to say, “It is being handled.” DG: Another situation where this applies is in the case of a divorce. When a couple is getting a divorce, often people do not know the tensions in the relationship that have led up to that decision. Often the reaction is one of surprise and the comment is made, “Oh, they were such a neat family.” Then when children hear the news, they begin to think, “What about us? We’re a neat family!” This can create a tremendous amount of fear and insecurity for children. Sometimes it is helpful to acknowledge that there were problems and to tell children, “Yes, they had been struggling.” This gives other children the sense that it didn’t happen suddenly, but that the marriage had been in jeopardy for some time. LM: In terms of classroom teachers, I think being aware and being available are two of the most important things they can do for their students. Being willing to listen is also important. It may require teachers to take risks. When they see unusual or unexplained behavior, they need to
JB: We've talked about parents and schools. What about sending agencies? Their actions and policies have a great impact on children in crisis situations. What should they do to keep in mind as they work with children and families? LM: I’d like to see sending agencies establish a department or appoint a person who pays attention to the impact of events on families. We are often so committed to production that we see people only as producers. We frequently overlook how an event, policy or experience will impact families and children. I think teachers and dorm parents can be great advocates on behalf of children and families to their sending agencies on these matters if they are viewed as integral contributors and participants within the organization.
Another thing sending agencies can do is provide access to and awareness of mental health professionals who are recognized as experienced people who can be called on in difficult situations. I would like to see sending agencies give greater attention to the degrees of crisis—knowing when immediate therapy is called for and when it can be postponed until a family's furlough. I’d like to see sending agency boards focus more on developing wholesome families and on knowing what healthy families and dysfunctional families are like. I’d like to see them have policies in place for crisis, disasters and accidents. I'd also
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like to see workshops that deal with crisis identification, management, and response. In general, I’d like to see sending agencies look at their policies, funding, and networking in this regard. It is important that our sending agencies network. No one sending agency has the resources to meet the needs of all its people, but we can do better by networking. DG: I haven’t heard it mentioned yet but sending agency administrators need to have special funds available for crisis situations. For most overseas personnel, their income is designed for operating in stable situations. When that stability is jarred, it usually means their financial status changes. This often means they don't have funds available for the counseling, travel, and other needs that come with a crisis. This stretches their already limited income and financial resources, and in some ways makes this almost another trauma. LM: As I walked away from the last contingency preparation seminar I attended, a field administrator said to me, “This is all very good, but these are not things that keep us awake at night.” Besides the crises of earthquake, volcanoes, drought, rape, kidnapping and terrorism, there is another type or degree of crisis that we are more likely to experience. However, we don’t have preparation for these and they are the ones with which we live.
JB: In crisis and trauma situations, we often underestimate the scope of who is affected by the situation. Why does this occur? Why don't we accurately understand who is affected? How do we ensure that the circle of people who are being helped is the full circle of who has been or is being impacted? LM: You’re right! We call them ripples. We have seen this happen repeatedly. We have often failed to take into account the facts of relationships—the distance, longevity and strength of the relationships that have been built. For example, what happens to someone here in our Dallas offices strongly impacts the people they have worked with on the field. We recognize that, but we may not know about their college roommate who is living in California. We can only do our best with the ones we do know about.
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However, this leads us to the fact that we can’t hide these things. We need to honestly acknowledge them because we can’t begin to know all the ripples. Each sending agency needs to have a rumor control or PR contact person who will properly advise the rest of the membership and ensure that things aren't covered up or kept secret. People are told, “If you need more information, here is the person to contact.” Once the Vice-President for Personnel and I prepared a statement for the membership. To save money, we sent it to the branch directors and said, “Please distribute this to all our members.” To save money, the branch directors generally said, “There’s a statement on my desk. If you’d like to see it let me know . . .” Many people didn’t come in, missed the notice, and never got the information. Those on the field, especially those who are in remote locations and have minimal information, can really be left in limbo. When this happens, people create information that usually is many times worse than what actually happened. As a result, they have no opportunity to moderate their views or to modify their opinions. They often feel isolated, overlooked, uninformed and uncared for. In addition, most of the time they lack pastoral care as well.
JB: As you reflect on the handling of crisis situations, what things have you seen that were done right and eased pain, and, conversely, what things caused unnecessary or additional pain and stress? HB: I think that we often tend to short-circuit the grief process in people’s lives. There are verses in Scripture that talk about the hope that we have in Christ. Therefore, sometimes people conclude that by a certain point in time a person should be able to get beyond what has happened to him. They tend to forget that this is a process and that the timetable varies with each person. What is being “stuck” for one person, may not be for another person, even though they may look exactly the same to the casual outside observer. We hope people can gradually deal with and release aspects of what has happened to them. However, if they can’t or if they are in denial about what has happened, they may be stuck at some stage in the grief process. One of the marks of healing is that there is a new identity as people come through the grief experience. DG: I think one of the best things that can happen is to learn from the experience. You need to look not only at what has happened, but to evaluate the situation and to make some prior plans for future events. It is important in all of these situations to be prepared. Some people may say, “You're just looking at the dark side of things if you talk about this.” However, unless you've made some preparations, conducted some studies, done some homework, gathered some resources and developed a plan, when something happens you're left in an extremely vulnerable position.
In terms of mistakes that have been made, one of the common errors I’ve seen in many situations is not controlling rumors. Often because things were not dealt with initially, they mushroom into a huge problem that must be corrected at some future point. When the truth comes out later, it often creates anger, especially if people think the truth was withheld from them. The flow of information has not always been helpful or handled well. LM: Overlooking the impact of crisis on children has been another common mistake. We constantly try to include children in the awareness. I think administrators have
often concluded that children are solely the responsibility of their parents. Consequently, they have done little or nothing for them. The reverse is true as well. Figley in his book, Stress in the Family: Coping with Catastrophe, talks about the way we overlooked the parents and extended family of the U.S. hostages in the Iran situation. I think this is true of expatriate Christian parents as well. I also agree that the information flow, contacts, and communication are critically important. For example, when a sending agency has facilities in various parts of a country, it is important that each site receives reports, even if it's to say, “There is no news today; keep praying.” When this isn’t done, weeks can go by without some people receiving information, which creates anger. Often the solution is as simple as a phone call or a radio message. HB: An area in which sending agency administrators and leaders have changed is that instead of allowing individuals to decide whether someone should come in and help, leaders are becoming more assertive in arranging help for individuals and families. We become pro-active on their behalf. LM: I think of a situation where a teacher was stabbed to death in front of her class as well as other students. They were offered counselors to help debrief because even first graders need to have some help and someone with whom to talk about their feelings. However, the offer was declined because “people were fine and everything is okay.” Following a crisis, people often lack the perspective or objectivity to make that decision for themselves.
Having proper administrative support is also very important. A caring school or sending agency administrator really makes the difference. After our village was surrounded by guerillas and we finally got out, our administrator’s concern for us as people and for our children really ministered to us. It’s important that an administrator not only care for his people but be able to genuinely communicate that to them. I think trauma teams as well as training and education in crisis management are points of progress. Inter-sending agency crisis committees have done a lot to help in handling various areas of responsibility for the crisis and to give support. Their creation has been a positive step.
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"I think one of the best things that can happen is to learn from the experience. You need to look not only at what has happened, bur to evaluate the situation and to make some prior plans for future events." Dick Gardner
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Resources on Crisis Books for Adults (Parents, Teachers and Caregivers): Bushong, Lois J. 2013. Belonging Everywhere and Nowhere: Insights into Counseling the Globally Mobile. Baker Books Figley, Charles R. 2013. Helping Traumatized Families (Psychosocial Stress Series). Taylor and Francis Group. Greenwood, Elinor. 2018. My Mixed Emotions: Help Your Kids Handle Their Feelings. DK Publishing.
Halloran, Janine. 2020. Coping Skills for Kids Workbook: Over 60 Coping Strategies to Help Teens Deal with Stress, Anxiety and Anger. Coping Skills for Teens.
Halloran, Janine. 2018. Coping Skills for Kids Workbook: Over 75 Coping Strategies to Help Kids Deal with Stress, Anxiety and Anger. PESI Publishing and Media. Johnson, Kendall, Francine Shapiro, et al. 1998. Trauma in the Lives of Children: Crisis and Stress Management Techniques for Counselors, Teachers, and Other Professionals. Hunter House, Inc. Publishers. Kleber, Rolf J., Figley, Charles R., et al. 1995. Beyond Trauma: Cultural and Societal Dynamics, Springer Series on Stress and Coping. Laite-Lanham, Stephanie and Polletier, Joyce. 2010. Recovering from Traumatic Stress: Guide for Missionaries. William Carey Library. Lang, Marie. Emotional First Aid Kit: Creative Activities to Help Third-Culture Kids Heal from Crisis, Minimize the Resulting Trauma and Thrive (email: Creativelifeoffaith@gmail.com) Malchiodi, Kathy. 2008. Creative Interventions with Traumatized Children. Guilford Press. Roe, Gary. 2017. Teen Grief: Caring for the Grieving Teenage Heart, Healing Resources Publishing. Schaefer, Frauke and Schaefer, Charles. 2012. Trauma and Resilience: A Handbook for Effectively Supporting Those Who Serve God. Wright, H. Norman. 2004. It’s OK to Cry: A Parent’s Guide to Helping Children Through the Losses of Life. Waterbrook Wright, H. Norman. 2011. The Complete Guide to Crisis and Trauma Counseling: What to Do and Say When It Matters Most! Bethany House Publishers.
Wright, H. Norman. 2018. When It Feels Like the Sky is Falling. Harvest House Publishers. Wright, H. Norman. 2004. Experiencing Grief. B&H Books. Wright, H. Norman. 2006. Recovering from the Losses in Life. Revell Check out other books by H. Norman Wright including: How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen, Quiet Times for Those Who Grieve, Helping Those Who Hurt, Crisis Counseling and other books.
Books for Children and Teens: Bergren, Lisa Tawn. 2008. God Gave Us Heaven. Waterbrook. Doleski, Teddi.1983. The Hurt. Paulist Press. Holmes, Margaret M. 2000. A Terrible Thing Happened. Magination Press. Schwiebert, Pat and Deklyen, Chuck. 2005. Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss. Grief Watch. Straus, Susan Farber. 2013. Healing Days: A Guide for Kids Who Have Experienced Trauma. Magination Press. Tangvald, Christine Harder. 2018. Someone I Loved Died. David C. Cook Publishing. TerKeurst, Lysa. 2014. It Will Be Okay: Trusting God Through Fear and Change. Thomas Nelson Publishers. Thomas, Pat. 2001. I Miss You: A First Look at Death. Barron’s Educational Services.
Websites and Blogs: Marilyn Gardner—Communicating Across Boundaries: https://communicatingacrossboundariesblog.com/ Michele Phoenix: https://michelephoenix.com/ Lauren Wells—TCK Training: https://www.tcktraining.com/ Elizabeth Trotter and Team of Writers—A Life Overseas: A Cross-cultural Conversation: https://www.alifeoverseas.com/ Jerry Jones—The Culture Blend (http://www.thecultureblend.com/) Healthy Children: healthychildren.org (topics such as emotional wellness, resilience, talking to your children, age level responses, etc. National Child Transition Stress Network (NCTSN): https://www.nctsn.org/ (topics such as types of trauma, culture and trauma, family and trauma, etc. ( American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP): https://www.aacap.org (its quick link alphabetic list of topics covers grief, stress, eating disorders, learning disabilities, etc.) Harvard University—Health: https://www.health.harvard.edu/ (topics such as grief, trauma, crisis, stress, etc.) Help Guide: https://www.helpguide.org/ (topics such as grief, depression, crisis, post traumatic stress, etc.
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“Borgo combines her years of experience in working with children at Haven House (serving homeless families), her academic training (her doctorate of ministry in spiritual formation) and teaching at Portland Seminary in the areas of spiritual direction and formation. This unique background has enabled her to write a book that helps adults be truly present in the lives of the children in their family or care.." Janet Blomberg
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Book Review:
Spiritual Conversations with Children By Lacy Finn Borgo Reviewed by Janet Blomberg In times of crisis, trauma, and transitions in the life of MKs, many important conversations need to take place. These conversations may be with their parents but could also be with teachers and caregivers. During crisis and transitions, children wrestle with important issues that go far beyond what happened to the difficult questions of why and about where was God in the midst of this. Talking enables the MK to process their experiences and emotions. However, starting these conversations may not be easy for adults. Lacy Finn Borgo provides a resource on how to talk with children about things that matter not just for now, but for eternity. She points out that adults are good at talking at children but not at talking with them. Adults don’t come alongside children and truly listening to them. This is a very different skill. Most people who talk at a child wonder why they only get one-word answers or why their conversation goes nowhere. For Borgo, adults must be truly present and listen rather than talk. In her book, Spiritual Conversations with Children, Borgo combines her years of experience in working with children at Haven House (serving homeless families), her academic training (her doctorate of ministry in spiritual formation) and teaching at Portland Seminary in the areas of spiritual direction and formation. This unique background has enabled her to write a book that helps adults be truly present in the lives of the children in their family or care. Borgo’s premise is that all people, whether children or adults, are born with a longing to connect and have a relationship with God and others. She overviews the steps of spiritual formation in the lives of children and spotlights three key skills that adults must monitor in their behavior so they can talk with children. These skills, posture, power, and patterns create dynamics that can either inhibit or promote meaningful interaction. For example, talking to a child while towering over them doesn’t promote conversation. Often adults won’t relinquish
control or power. When, where and how the conversation takes place must be on the adult’s terms. She points out that when adults are fully present, listen and are open with children, not only does genuine conversation take place but the adults are changed. She comments, "… as you listen to God with a child, the child will lead you into a fuller experience of God's love and acceptance." Borgo walks readers through activities she uses in the process of spiritual formation and direction with children. She provides numerous examples of her own conversations with children. She includes what she said and how the child responded as well as what she looks for in their responses. When children have an adult in their lives who hears and encourages their early experiences with God, it creates a spiritual footprint that shapes the child’s life even into adulthood and can build upon throughout their lives. She wants children to become what one child described as “detectives who are looking for God’s fingerprints” in the events of their daily lives. Her desire is that adults bring children to Jesus not block the path. She introduces readers to spiritual direction with children and teaches them how to build listening relationships with a child and to appreciate and value his or her life and faith walk. In this book, Spiritual Conversations with Children, readers will find solid theology, spiritual insights, practical suggestions, sample dialogues and prayers she uses with children as well as ideas for engaging children through art, play and movement. She invites readers to enter the world of young people and their relationship with God―to understand what is going on in their lives and see how God is at work. Whether you are a parent, teacher or caregiver this book will enable you to be truly present in the lives of the children in your sphere of influence. It will better equip you to have important spiritual conversation at important times in their lives for their good and God’s glory.
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