“Pinocchio,” not a real boy, a real creepy flop

IRENE DOMINGUEZ campus editor irene.dominguez370@my.tccd.edu

Disney has chosen to grace us with another live action remake of an old classic. It’s just what they do now. Apparently they haven’t gotten better with practice.

This is another offering available exclusively on the Disney+ platform, but don’t rush off to subscribe to the service, this movie definitely isn’t worth it.

This Pinocchio remake is directed by Robert Zemeckis who has a long resume of notable works including “Back to The Future,” “Castaway” and “The Polar Express.” Unfortunately, this movie besmirches his reputation.

It stars Tom Hanks as Geppetto, and Pinocchio voiced by young British actor Benjamin Evan Ainsworth.

The remake has almost all of the same elements as the original, with some new ones thrown in here and there. The story still revolves around the puppet Pinocchio who is trying to become a real boy for Geppetto, his creator.

This version just lacks all charm. When the original came out in 1940, it won multiple awards for its music. The animation was also groundbreaking for its time. This remake is giving none of that, we essentially gained nothing new and got this creepy mess.

One of the first things I noticed is that the voice work is very questionable. Jiminy Cricket’s accent sounds forced. There is a random seagull character that is introduced and her voice is awkward and embarrassing. Tom Hanks as Geppetto has an accent that seems to come and go. Sadly, this is definite- ly one of Tom Hanks worst performances. His Geppetto seems confused throughout the film and it isn’t cute.

The only actor who does great voice work in this whole movie is Keegan Michael-Key. His performance as Honest John, showcases his talent as a voice actor. His enthusiasm really brings his character to life. I wish everyone had brought that same energy.

Unlike the original, this remake mentions Geppetto’s tragic backstory of his wife and young son dying and leaving him all alone. But they did nothing useful with it.

One of the reasons this movie hits different is how a little wooden creature coming to life is kind of haunting. There are moments where the lighting really brings out Pinocchio’s dead-eye-look and it is unsettling.

Another creepy element of the film is the part where a coachman tricks children, Pinocchio included, into going to Pleasure Island for some no-rules-fun. They are turned into donkeys, kidnapped and are never seen again. This part of the film was intended to be a lesson about morality for children, but just two years after the whole Epstein island thing, I was just grossed out.

Perhaps I could have seen past all of this and accepted this remake for what it was, a heartwarming money grab. But, they diminished the core life lesson at the heart of the story. The lying scene was very short and it gets him out of a tricky situation. Where is the lesson?

This remake added nothing useful right up until the end. Little puppet Pinocchio and Gepetto walk off into the light. Does he turn into a boy or not? At least give me closure!

Karan Johar is known for creating magic on the big screen, so the pressure was on when it was announced that his new project, Brahmastra, had been in the works for seven years. Brahmastra was announced to be a series with its first installment, Shiva, released in theaters on Sept. 9. The leading couple in the film is real-life husband and wife Ranbir Kapoor and Alia Bhatt, which if you were not aware of their off-screen relationship you couldn’t tell on screen.

For some reason, Bhatt and Kapoor’s characters, Isha and Shiva, had the most awkward nonchemistry in Bollywood history. For two such experienced actors, it was so disappointing to see their on-screen interactions, especially considering their off-screen relationship. How is it that these two can have amazing chemistry with other people and yet not have it with each other?

Considering Batt and Kapoor’s close relationship with not only Johar but also the rest of the production team, it has been heavily implied they had input in the script and other aspects of the film, which unfortunately did not work out in their favor.

This movie was nearly three hours long, yet the dialogue was so dry you would assume it was a 10-hour marathon. From Shi- va’s gloriously cringy line, “I like you, Isha,” to the graphics resembling a horribly done avatar knockoff, the whole production was a major flop.

The only saving grace for this movie was the soundtrack. When the big hit song “Kesariya” was announced on Instagram, the fanfare was astronomical. It is definitely one for the history books. From the instrumentals to the lyrics, it’s a classic Karan Johar love song.

If only the same amount of thought could have been put into the movie itself. I mean, at some point you have to sit back and admit you have reached the height of laziness, especially when dealing with a cast full of so many A-list guest appearances. At the very least, they could have had the courtesy to give their characters names.

Along with the lack of effort in the dialogue and characters, the special effects gave the whole production a very cheesy feeling. This is especially concerning because the series is supposed to be depicting religious events, which should have been handled delicately and instead came off as cringy.

Overall, the audience deserved better. If they go through with the rest of the series, let’s just hope it gets better because it sure as hell couldn’t get worse.