CAN YOU PLEASE EXPLAIN THIS TO ME? by

Ma Merle

“People aren’t treating me quite the same at the Wednesday group Merle, since you implied I was drinking throughout the day,” Agnes said while frowning, and sounding a bit like a little girl. “They’re giving me these looks.”

“It will pass, Agnes,” I said as I tried to console her. “It’s just the latest thing for them all to talk about. No doubt they will move on to someone else soon.”

Agnes still looked disconsolate. “Even so Merle, it does feel a bit awful.”

I resisted the urge to say, “Oh boo hoo,” and instead said, “Yes of course it does Agnes. Now let me tell you all about my travel plans. Now that I have won the Lotto, I have been mapping out a little trip overseas for myself. Just to New Zealand though, not too far.”

Agnes shook her head. “Merle, you don’t know how much you have won yet. Why not wait and see before getting too far ahead of yourself?”

I smiled at her benignly. Agnes was always a bit of a stick-in-the mud. “Well, Penelope said she is popping in today to let me know how much we all got, so I thought I could at least make a plan so that I am ready. On the front foot and all, prepared like the girl scouts and all that.” Not one minute later there was a knock at the door. I was glad that I did not have a drink in my hand and I rushed to open it but it was only Garry standing there. “Oh,” I said in a disappointed tone.

“Well, hello to you too Merle,” Garry replied while pushing past to come inside.

“Come in by all means Garry,” I said pointedly.

“Thanks love,” he replied, seemingly unaware of my insulting tone. He looked at Agnes and smiled. “Hello Agnes, you’re just the person I wanted to see. I just saw Fred around at your place and he said you left your purse at home and that you were coming around here to visit Merle. He asked if I could drop it to you and of course I couldn’t say no to that. Two lovely ladies in the one place.” Garry’s smiled widely as he handed the purse to Agnes. Agnes was busy thanking him while I was busy trying to rush him out the door before Penelope came, but that was in vain as there was another knock came at the door. I grunted and hurried to open it.

“Well, hello Merle,” Penelope said half smiling. “Hi Penelope!” Garry called out from in the dining room.

Penelope gave me a look. “Oh, Garry is here, I see. Having men callers in the middle of the day Merle?”

“Well, to be honest Penelope, and just between you and me, he is here for Agnes,” I replied quickly while wiggling my eyebrows around, but nodding affirmatively. Agnes mouth gaped open and stayed that way for a long time. I eventually looked away so I cannot say for how long she stayed like that. I eventually returned my attention back to Penelope and said, “So how much is it then? How much did we win?”

Penelope looked slightly distraught. “I am personally rather upset about this although you might not be Merle, but it is not much at all. Once we divvy it up between us all, we are not left with all that much. Lucky to have a weekend away on it I would say.”

Before I could answer, Agnes called out from the dining room, almost shouting, “Garry was dropping off my purse that Fred gave him to give to me, that’s why he is here. Yes, that is why.” She spoke very fast.

I felt a tad embarrassed about Agnes blurting things out and Penelope looked confused. However, the Lotto news was most unfortunate, to say the least. Penelope left after telling me my share was four hundred and fifty dollars. While I waved her off down the driveway, Agnes filled Garry in on the whole Lotto story.

Garry looked at me sadly. “Agnes has just filled me in love. Sorry that you are disappointed with your win. She says you had made plans and all sorts of things.”

I sniffed unhappily. “Wells plans yes, I don’t know about all sorts of things. Just plans.”

“You could still go away for the weekend Merle,” Agnes said trying to cheer me up.

“Look, if you are really unhappy Merle,” Garry said eagerly, “I have a few quid put aside. I could travel with you. Go halves in things, pay for meals, pay for the fuel and that sort of stuff. That will make your money go a bit further and we can have a lovely time looking around. I don’t really have anyone to go away with so it makes great sense to me. What do you think love?”

All I could think was that he is just standing there making this offer like it was perfectly normal for us to trapes off for a weekend away together. The two of us together? What was happening? Where had reality gone?

“Garry I, I just don’t know about that,” I said uncertainly. I mean we will need separate motel rooms so that will hardly save money and I am not “really sure how I feel about the whole thing.”

Agnes piped up, nearly leaping out of her chair. “What about if Fred and I come too? Oh, how exciting, Merle. I can room with you and the boys can share. That way we do save money. Oh, we could have so much fun! I can barely wait to get home and tell Fred.”

My mind wondered to the Wednesday group. I think I know what they could possibly gossip about next, with their imaginations running riot.”

Agnes jumped up and hurried to the door. “Bye Merle, talk soon,” she called.

Garry followed right behind her and said, “See ya love. We should talk soon so we can make some plans.”

Now it was my turn to stand with my mouth gaping wide open. This time I can only guess it was for a very, very long time. What just happened? Can someone please explain? Anyone?

Quite The Catch

My online dating bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle and that I'm paid to travel. I don't know why my dates are surprised when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

Pithy One Liners

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Pedestrian: someone who thought he had petrol in his tank – Anon.

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I took a course in speed waiting and now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes – Steven Wright.

I’m for a stronger death penalty – George Bush.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before – Steven Wright.

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