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Age, Gender, and Directness

Tara Walker

English Language 468 Dr. Wendy Baker Smemoe 15 December 2011

Age, Gender, and Directness Introduction The issue of gender in the study of language is a highly charged topic. Linguists are continually studying the different ways in which men and women communicate. Gender is often attributed to being one of the sole factors for explaining a person’s directness, or lack thereof. Men are frequently seen as being more direct, while women are seen as being more direct. However, it may not be the only factor. The purpose of this study is to discover whether there may in fact be other factors, like age, that contribute to directness. Literature Review Many linguists attribute the differences between men and women’s styles of communication, direct and indirect, to their different motives. Men are often communicating to establish power, while women are more often communicating to establish solidarity. It is important to note that these motives are generally associated with one gender or the other, but this does not mean that the opposite gender does not communicate without the other motive. It simply means that they tend towards one or the other.

Often, though, these motives of conversation lead to what linguists call

conversation styles. Deborah Tannen explained, “If you want to be understood without saying what you mean explicitly in words, you must convey meaning somewhere else—in how words are spoken, or by metamessages” (126). Metamessages are a type of indirectness, because they are the unspoken message that a speaker attempts to convey. Women often communicate using these

metamessages and are more likely to understand a request, refusal, or apology using indirect speech than men are. Tannen goes on to say; “Women are more likely to be indirect and to try to reach agreement by negotiation” (126).

On another note, men and women tend to apologize differently. Women are

more likely to use apologies, with an even greater tendency to apologize to one another more than men do. Additionally, women see apologizing as a politeness strategy that helps to increase and improve their relationships, or solidarity. In the book Women and Politeness, Janet Holmes summarized her research after looking at the differences in apologies between men and women. “Men seem to avoid apologies where possible, using them only in cases where they judge they are likely to cause greater offence by the omission of an apology” (186). When men apologize they tend to do so directly in order to avoid losing face and consequently, their power.

The preexisting research regarding gender differences in directness should

not be ignored. It is important, though, to acknowledge that gender may not be the only factor that causes a person to apologize, request, and refuse in a certain way. Methodology The purpose of this study was to decide if there are noticeable differences between age and directness, rather than gender, and to begin looking at whether or not individuals who tend towards directness are more attracted to those individuals who are less direct. Can directness really be associated with gender? Or are there are other factors that we can attribute that directness to?

This study was a field study and was created to be an online survey using a

template program called Qualtrics. The survey was conducted through the website

using an external link to invite people to take it. The survey was posted as a link on my Facebook status and was then also made into a public event. People were invited to take the survey, and then were asked to repost the link to the survey on their own Facebook page. In addition to the post and event, the survey was also emailed to all contacts in my address book.

The subjects were between the ages of eighteen and eighty. Males and

females both participated in the study, although not equally due to the nature of the survey being online and open to anyone. The participants’ relationship status was important to the survey and subjects were either married, in a non-‐marital relationship, or single. The survey was formatted as a Discourse Completion Task questionnaire. “The main goal of DCTs is to understand how sociological factors (such as age, gender, culture/language, and the social position of the speaker/listener) influence the use of speech acts . . . . DCTs only inform about pragmatic knowledge” (Baker 43. This format provides subjects with several scenarios (specifically requests, refusals, apologies, and uncomfortable social situations) and then offers several corresponding responses that the subject must choose between. There is also an “other” category with space for the subject to type in a different response if those available are not what the subject would do or say. The survey was also forced completion, which prevented survey takers from moving on to a different section without first responding to the section they were currently looking at. There were seventeen questions divided into six distinct sections. The first section was a series of three questions: age, gender, and relationship status. The ages were listed as

categories that respondents could choose from: 18-‐24, 25-‐37, 38-‐45, 46-‐55, 56-‐65, and 65 and older. Choices of gender and relationship status were also listed as options for subjects to select. The second section was another series of three questions all under the category of requests. The subject was asked to put themselves in three different situations in which they had to ask their spouse, significant other, or roommate for something. Each question dealt with a certain degree of seriousness, with the first being the least serious and the last being the most serious. The possible responses for subjects to select were listed in order of most direct to least direct, with the “other” category listed last. The questions ranged from asking a spouse or significant other to take out the trash, to asking about lending a large sum of money to a friend or family member. The third section was another series of three questions, but this time they were all refusals. The subject was asked again to put themselves in the three different situations that required them to refuse a request from a spouse, significant other, or roommate. The questions were listed in order of least serious to most serious, and the responses were listed in order from most direct to least direct. These questions involved going places or doing things that the subject could not, or did not want to do. The fourth section of questions was another set of three dealing with apologies. The subjects were asked to consider three situations of various seriousness in which they had to apologize for something they had done to their

spouses, significant others, or roommates. The possible choices were again listed in order from most direct to least direct. The fifth section listed three scenarios of varying seriousness that dealt with social situations. The questions and responses were set up similarly to the previous sections. The subject was given several responses to choose from regarding how direct or indirect they would be toward their spouse, significant other, or roommate in the given situation. These situations included how to respond to someone you are close to if he or she has bad breath during a private conversation, food in his or her teeth at a social function, or a hole in the back of his or her pants or skirt in front of a large group. It is important to clarify that the possible response choices often included a declarative statement or performative verb (such as apologize) as the most direct response and a question (often involving the modal can or could) or speech act without a performative verb as the next most direct form. The more indirect the response became, the more use of the modal will or would there was. The most indirect responses included ignoring the question or situation at hand, saying the opposite of what the subject really meant, expressing shame or discomfort instead of apologizing, and using indirect directives. The final section was a series of two questions in which the subjects were asked to select whether they considered themselves to be more direct, or more indirect, and whether they considered their spouses, significant others, or roommates to me more direct, or more indirect.

Results The results of this survey were actually more surprising than anticipated and shed a little more light on the issue of gender as being the most important factor for directness. This table below shows the subjects’ responses to question one of the survey, which was age: #

Answer

18-‐24

25-‐37

38-‐45

46-‐55

56-‐65

65 and older

Other

Total

Response

62%

25%

100%

From this table we can see that 87% of the respondents were between the ages of eighteen and thirty-‐seven, with 62% of them being between the ages of eighteen and twenty-‐four. The results of this are lean heavily towards the younger age groups, and understandably so, because of their greater inclination to participate in an online survey or questionnaire.

The table below shows the subjects’ responses to the question of gender.

Only 26% of the subjects were male—making the remaining 74% female. Although it is problematic that nearly two thirds of the subjects are female (women tend to like taking surveys better than men do), it also makes it possible to look more carefully at the responses to the questions of personal perception of directness.

Answer

Male

Female

Total

Response

26%

74%

100%

When answering the question regarding their own personal directness,

subjects responded with the following: #

Answer

More direct.

More indirect.

Total

Response

66%

34%

100%

As the chart shows, 66% of the subjects considered themselves to be more direct, while only 34% viewed themselves as being more indirect. Here we can see the discrepancy in typical research that states that females are generally more indirect, because at least half of the women participating in the survey would have had to consider themselves as being be more direct.

Although a greater percentage of respondents chose “more direct,” the actual

responses to the bulk of the survey show that most people were somewhere in the middle. The major place where subjects consistently chose the most direct answer was in the apology section. The first question in that section had 62% of subjects choosing a more direct response (without the performative verb, but still saying “sorry”). The second question had only 48% choosing the more direct choice, while the third only had 27%. From these responses it is possible to gather that the more serious the situation, the less direct the subjects became. On the other hand, when it came to the social situations, the more serious the situation became, the more direct

each subject became. For example, subjects more often chose to say nothing, or simply give their spouse a piece of gum, rather than directly confront them. When their spouses or significant others had holes in their skirts or pants, 50% of the respondents answered that they would directly tell them. The responses from the other sections tended to be more indirect, with a higher percentage of respondents choosing an answer with the modal would or another even more direct response. The question with the most varying responses was number eight. Subjects were asked what they would say if their spouse or significant other asked them to go to dinner with friends from high school (the subjects were told they did not like the friends). Just over 50% chose the two most indirect responses, but 20% marked other and wrote in their own response—many of these responses tended to be extremely direct. It is interesting why subjects would choose to be so extreme in responding to this question. Discussion and Conclusion There is significant research that needs to be done in the future to better understand the truth about age, gender, and attraction regarding direct speech and behavior. At this point, it is evident that gender cannot be the only factor regarding directness. More research could be done on age and its possible link to directness. In addition, once these factors have been looked at more extensively, regional directness can then also be looked at. Although the results from the survey were in many ways positive, the limitations of this particular survey are obvious—it is difficult to get the most realistic responses from subjects using a Discourse Completion Task survey because the suggested

responses are just that, suggestions. They do not always reflect what the subjects might actually say. In addition, the way in which this survey was presented prevented the control of the ratio of male to female respondents. Had their been a more even distribution, the results about gender directness and its affect on attraction would have been easier to decipher. Another limitation of the survey is that it was extremely difficult and time consuming to look at each subject’s responses individually in order to compare the data with other responses The most interesting result of this survey is that even though a greater number of respondents considered themselves to be more direct, their responses still tended to be less direct. Gender didn’t really seem to play a role in directness, nor did age. Because this is merely a pilot study, it would be impossible to do enough research to find out more without refining and doing another study altogether. It would be a good idea now to look at regional variations and see if there is a correlation with directness there.

References Baker, Wendy. “Sociolinguistics.” Quantitative and Experimental Linguistics. Ed. David Eddington. Muenchen:Lincom, 2009. Print. Holmes, Janet. Women, Men and Politeness. London: Longman, 1995. Print. Tannen, Deborah. That's Not What I Meant! How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships. New York: Ballantine Books, 1986. Print.

Appendices Discourse Completion Task Survey: Directness 1.) Age 2.) Gender a. Male b. Female 3.) Relationship Status a. Married b. In a relationship c. Single Requests 4.) The trashcan is full and you want your spouse, significant other, or roommate to take the bag out. You say: a. Take out the trash b. Can you please take out the trash? c. Would you mind taking out the trash? (Have you taken out the trash?) d. The trash really stinks. e. Other: 5.) You are stranded and need your spouse, significant other, or roommate to pick you up. You say: a. Pick me up. b. Could you please pick me up? c. Would you maybe be able to pick me up? d. I am stranded, and have no way of getting home… e. Other: 6.) A friend or family member needs to borrow a large sum of money from you. You want to talk to your spouse, significant other, or roommate about it. You: a. Say, “We are lending money to _____.” b. Say, “Can we please lend _________some money?” c. Say, “How do you feel if we lend money to _________?” d. Say, “_________ needed some money, so I thought we could help them.” e. Avoid telling your spouse. f. Other: Refusals 7.) Your spouse, significant other, or roommate has asked you to go to the grocery store and pick something up. You are in the middle of doing something. You: a. Say, “No.” b. Say, “I can’t. I am in the middle of something right now.” c. Say, “I would love to, but I don’t have time. Maybe later?”

d. Ignore them altogether. e. Other: 8.) Your spouse, significant other, or roommate has asked you to go out to dinner with him/her and his/her friends from high school. You are not particularly fond of them and you would rather not go. You: a. Say, “I don’t want to go.” b. Come up with an excuse and say, “I can’t go.” c. Say, “Let me think about it.” d. Say, “Yes,” even though you really mean no. e. Other: 9.) Your spouse, significant other, or roommate has asked if you can go to his/her house for a holiday you were supposed to be spending with your family. You: a. Say, “No.” b. Say, “It wouldn’t be fair to my family, so I don’t think we should go.” c. Say, “I would love to see your family, but it probably won’t work out.” d. Say, “I’ll think about it,” even though you know you don’t want to go. e. Other: Apologies 10.) You are a couple of minutes late to pick up your spouse, significant other, or roommate from work. You: a. Say, “I’m sorry I was late.” b. Say, “I feel bad I am late. Sorry about that.” c. Provide an excuse for why you are late d. Say nothing because you are too embarrassed. e. Other: 11.) You said something unkind to your spouse/significant other/roommate and they are hurt by it. You: a. Say, “I would like to apologize for the things I said.” b. Say, “I’m sorry I was unkind.” c. Say, “You know I don’t mean that.” d. Say, “I feel really bad.” e. Other: 12.) You accidentally dropped and broke your spouse, significant other, or roommate’s laptop. It is irreparable. You: a. Say, “I broke your computer and I apologize.” b. Say, “I dropped your laptop and I wanted to tell you I’m sorry.” c. Say, “Something may have happened to your computer.” d. Do nothing and wait for them to find out themselves. e. Other:

Other 13.) You are having a conversation with your spouse, significant other, or roommate and you notice that they have bad breath. You: a. Say, “You have bad breath.” b. Ask, “Have you brushed your teeth today?” c. Say nothing, but offer them a piece of gum. d. Say and do nothing at all. e. Other 14.) Your spouse, significant other, or roommate has something in their teeth and you are at a party with friends. You: a. Say, “You have something in your teeth.” b. Say quietly, “You should check your teeth.” c. Motion to them by pointing at your own teeth. d. Pretend as though it isn’t there. You don’t want to bring attention to it. e. Other: 15.) While walking into church, you notice that your spouse, significant other, or roommate has a very large and noticeable hole in the back of their pants/skirt. You usually sit on the front row. You: a. Stop him or her and say, “You have a hole in your _____________.” b. Say, “Did you know there is a hole in your ___________?” c. Say, “You should probably check your___________ before we go in.” d. Say, “Oh no! I’m going to walk behind you.” e. Don’t tell them anything and hope that they notice on their own. f. Other Perceived Directness vs. Indirectness 16.) Do you consider yourself to be: a. More direct b. More indirect 17.) Do you consider your spouse, significant other, or roommate to be: a. More direct b. More indirect

Initial Report Survey completed on Qualtrics.

1. What is your age? #

Answer

18-‐24

25-‐37

38-‐45

46-‐55

56-‐65

65 and older

Other

Total

Response

62%

25%

100%

2. What is your gender? #

Answer

Male

Female

Total

Response

26%

74%

100%

3. What is your relationship status? #

Answer

Married

In a relationship

Single

Total

Response

63%

28%

100%

4. The trashcan is full and you want your spouse, significant other, or roommate to take out the garbage. You say: #

Answer

Take out the trash.

Can you please take out the trash?

Have you taken out the trash?

The trash really stinks

Other:

Total

Response

69%

18%

100%

Other: I take it out. in the course of our 2 year marriage, she has always refused to take out the trash and probably never will. would you please take out the trash for me I take it out because I know she doesn't like to. nothing and take out the garbage. would you mind taking out the trash. thanks. I don't like my spouse taking out the trash. i just take it out Lets take out the trash I always take it out myself He usually just does it I take it out. I always take out the trash, so I wouldn't ask. It depends on the situation I'd just take it out

5. You are stranded and need your spouse, significant other, or roommate to pick you up. You say: #

Answer

Pick me up.

Could you please pick me up?

Would you mind picking me up?

I am stranded, and have no way of getting home...

Other

Total

Response

43%

41%

11%

100%

Other how is your schedule right now is their anyway you could pick me up or what do you think I should do, after I called anyone else without bothering him. Garth! Help! I'm stranded!!! Will you please come get me?

6. A friend or family member needs to borrow a large sum of money from you. It concerns your spouse, significant other, or roommate. You: #

Answer

Say, "We are lending money to ____________."

Say, "Can we please lend ____________ some money?"

Say, ""How do you feel if we lend money to ___________?"

Say, "_________ needed money, so I thought that we could help them."

Avoid telling him/her altogether.

Other:

Total

Response

69%

23%

100%

Other: I don't lend money to friends or family. my money is kept independently of my roommate's Whay do you think about this?

7. Your spouse, significant other, or roommate has asked you to go to the grocery store to pick something up. You are in the middle of doing something. You: #

Answer

Say, "No."

Say, "I can't. I am in the middle of something right now."

Say, "I would love to, but I don't have time. Maybe later?"

Ignore him/her and hope they will get the message.

Other:

Total

Response

22%

67%

11%

100%

Other: I am in the middle of something. Is there any way I could go in like 15/20 minutes? ok right after i finish this is that alright? If what I am doing is truly more important, I will promise to do it as soon as I am done. Okay I will soon. Say, "I'm really busy. Can you go get it?" I can go as soon as I'm finished with this other thing! i can as soon as i finish this I'm right in the middle of something, can I do that later? Can it wait until I finish this or do you need it right away?

8. Your spouse, significant other, or roommate has asked you to go out to dinner with him/her and his/her friends from high school. You are not particularly fond of them, and you would rather not go. You: #

Answer

Say, "No."

Say, "I don't want to go."

Come up with an excuse and say, "I can't go."

Say, "Let me think about it."

Say, "Yes," even though you really mean no.

Other:

Total

Response

17%

23%

32%

21%

100%

Other: Um, I don't really like them. don't want to, but i will I'd rather not, but if you really want me to I will for you. I'll go but your friend is kinda w Say, "Yes," and go to be supportive. tell him the truth and ask him what he thinks? My significant other is fun enough to be with. I would go just to make him happy. Say, "Yes," and be a good sport. Sure, just as long as I can watch football afterwards. I would go because I know that they are important to her. I would go Let her know I would rather not go, but that if she would like me to go anyway, I will I know it's important to you and I will go with you even though I don't really want to go. i'll go if you really want to, but i dont care for those people. Sure, that would be fun, hoping he would do the same for me I don't really want to go, but if it means a lot to you I will. Say "Yes" and then go and try to have fun

Just go. I don't really dislike anyone that much.

9. Your spouse, significant other, or roommate has asked if you can go to his/her house for a holiday that you were supposed to be spending with your own family. You: #

Answer

Say, "No."

Say, "I would rather not go."

Say, "I would love to see your family, but it isn't fair to mine. It probably won't work out."

Say, "I'll think about it," even though you know you don't want to go.

Other:

Total

Response

53%

16%

19%

100%

Other: We already planned to spend that holiday with my family. We can hang out with your family the day before or after. We'd discuss it, but I'd probably agree to go to his/her family I'll go but your friend is weird lets try to make it to both families this year Discuss our options i would ask why is it important to see your family and not mine. Is their problems we need to address I'd fin a way to see both families since they only live 10 minutes from eachother. My husband would not ask me to give up something already planned with my family but we would make sure we spend time with both families. can we go to mine this time and go to yours on_____ (choose a different holiday) Ask if we could celebrate with his/her family on another day Let's talk about this and see what kind of compromise we can make

we need to find a compromise. Can we split the time evenly between both families It's my year to spend with my family. Is there another time we can visit yours? Just discuss it with her Let's talk about this.

10. You are a couple of minutes late to pick up your spouse, significant other, or roommate from work. You: #

Answer

Say, "I'm sorry I was late."

Say, "I feel bad that I am late. Sorry about that."

Provide an excuse for why you are late.

Say nothing because you are too embarrassed.

Other:

Total

Response

62%

29%

100%

Other: Having been late to many things in my life, this would not be a suprise. Now if I was on time....

11. You said something unkind to your spouse, significant other, or roommate and they are hurt by it. You: #

Answer

Say, "I would like to apologize for the things I said."

Say, "I'm sorry I was unkind."

Say, "You know I don't mean that."

Say, "I feel really bad."

Other:

Total

Response

26%

48%

18%

100%

Other: Say, "Sorry for hurting your feelings." I'm sorry for what I said. I was angry. I hope you can forgive me. I am sorry that you feel hurt.

12. You accidentally dropped and broke your spouse, significant other, or roommate's laptop. It is irreparable. You: #

Answer

Say, "I broke your computer and I apologize."

Say, "I dropped your laptop and I wanted to tell you I'm sorry."

Say, "Something may have happened to your computer. What can I do?"

Say, "I feel horrible."

Other:

Total

Response

16%

27%

31%

18%

100%

Other: I'm so sorry I broke your laptop. Let me look up some places that we can take I to and see if we can still get it fixed im sorry i dropped your computer i can help pay for a new one... "Sorry I broke your laptop, how can I make it up to you? Say, "I dropped your computer. What can I do to make this right?" Tell him what happened and offer solutions say, "i am so sorry, and feel horrible. what can i do to make it up to you?" (offer to pay part of a new one) I dropped your laptop and it's broken. I'm really sorry and I'll figure out a way to replace it for you I dropped your laptop and I'm really sorry. I know it's not the same, however I will buy you a new one. Appologize and buy them a new one offer to pay i'm sorry i dropped your laptop. i will replace it for you I am sorry i accidentally broke your laptop. I will buy you a new one

Say "About your computer . . . so yeah, I dropped it" Im so sorry I dropped your laptop.. I'll buy you a new one I am sorry, and I will replace it.

13. You are having a conversation with your spouse, significant other, or roommate and you notice that they have bad breath. You: #

Answer

Say, "You have bad breath."

Ask, "Have you brushed your teeth today?"

Say nothing, but offer him/her a piece of gum.

Say and do nothing at all.

Other:

Total

Response

15%

22%

39%

23%

100%

Other: Tell him he has bad breath & offer him a piece of gum Here's some toothpaste.

14. Your spouse, significant other, or roommate has something in their teeth, and you are at a big party with friends. You: #

Answer

Say, "You have something in your teeth."

Say quietly, "You should check your teeth."

Motion to him/her by pointing at your own teeth.

Pretend as though it isn't there. You don't want to bring attention to it.

Other:

Total

Response

34%

15%

49%

100%

Other: say quietly, you have something in your teeth honey."

15. While walking into church, you notice that your spouse, significant other, or roommate has a very large and noticeable hole in the back of their pants/skirt. You usually sit on the front row. You: #

Answer

Stop him or her and say, "You have a hole in your pants/skirt."

Say, "Did you know that there is a hole in your pants/skirt?"

Say, "You should probably check your pants/skirt before we go in."

Walk closely behind him/her, but you don't tell him/her anything. You hope he/she will notice on his/her own.

Other:

Total

Response

50%

35%

11%

100%

Other: you have a hole in your pants lets sit bak here this week

16. Do you consider yourself to be: #

Answer

More direct.

More indirect.

Total

Response

66%

34%

100%

17. Do you consider your spouse, significant other, or roommate to be: #

Answer

More direct.

More indirect.

Total

Response

57%

43%

100%