5 minute read
YES SHE CAN
Journalist, writer and ‘double parent’ Jane Deith on the challenges and joys of bringing up twins solo
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At the midwife-run antenatal class, I was the only woman having twins. I was also the only one there on my own.
I didn’t mind being the odd one out. But I was surprised the midwives assumed people had “husbands”. Their top tip on night feeds was to make the 11pm or “late feed” a bottle, so hubby could do it.
Of course, as a solo mum, every feed was down to me. Either holding the babies rugby-ball style to breastfeed or, before I got the hang of that, sitting on the floor with a bottle in each hand, one for the baby propped up on my thighs facing me, one for the second baby in a bouncer chair.
My twins, a boy and a girl, were born early. They were in special care and my diary was suddenly full with meetings with neonatal doctors, demands for colostrum for the babies, blood pressure checks and painkiller for me. The twins were on ventilators on different wards, which meant I was constantly running between the two. In the fog of new motherhood I didn’t even think to ask for them to be moved to the same room.
After a few days, they were able to leave special care and they were on the maternity ward with me. Small things become more involved when you don’t have a partner. I had no one to babysit if I wanted to have a shower, so I had to wheel them into the bathroom with me – although actually, this became a quiet window, away from the hubbub of the ward.
Back home, three things got me through those first weeks. First was that my friends each signed up to a night shift. Second, my mum came up for stints. She couldn’t pull all-nighters, but she told me she would take up the baton at 5am. It meant I could doze or maybe sleep until around 9 or 10 and feel a tiny bit human. Some mornings, by 4.55am I was waiting outside her bedroom door with the babies in their Moses basket!
Thirdly, I paid for a doula to visit one night a week. Sarah would walk through the door at 9pm and stay till 7am. At first she brought me the babies to feed,
then changed and settled them. But soon I just wanted a night’s sleep, so she bottle-fed them. Knowing my babies were someone else’s responsibility for just one night was heaven. I simply couldn’t have done every single night (and day) solo.
Sarah would always say how well I was doing. When no one else is telling you you’re a hero, that’s very welcome.
Breastfeeding twins was tricky. There was no one to hand me the babies when I was installed behind my feeding pillow. I remember getting one baby on board and thinking, how do I lift the other baby on here without the first one falling off? Google had the answer: get a firm grip on the babygrow using a “kitten hold”!
Sleep, or the lack of it, was my obsession for our first nine months. When my son went through a phase of frequent waking, I felt I had to whisk him into my bed so he didn’t wake his sister. A sleep consultant helped point me and my son in the right direction. After a few nights we saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I have twins who get themselves off to sleep and stay that way until a reasonably social hour – most nights, at any rate.
I’d recommend any parent to talk to the charity Homestart*. They matched me with a volunteer who had twins herself and understood the practical and emotional challenges. She helps out for a couple of hours a week – a crucial window when I can cook some stuff for the freezer, mow the lawn or even clean the bathroom.
One unexpected upside of solo parenting twins is that it has made me more outgoing. When they were babies, if we went out and I needed to change one of them, I would ask the friendliest person in the café – or the waitress – to look after the other baby while I went to the loo.
I accepted every offer of help. Sometimes they came from people I didn’t know that well, but have since become great friends.
Some days I feel lonely. But other days I feel relieved I don’t have to worry about how a partner is feeling. And I don’t have to consult anyone else about the decisions I take.
Money is tight: my childcare costs are twice my mortgage. But what I would like more of is time. To do anything for myself, whether it’s going for a jog or getting my hair cut, I usually have to pay for a babysitter. But never leaving them would drive me mad sooner or later.
The twins are now toddlers. They play together, have each other in hysterics in the bath, and give each other kisses before bed. Their favourite things are dogs, puddles, bubbles and books. I read somewhere that those of us who are flying solo shouldn’t say we’re single parents but “double parents”, because we’re doing the work of two people. I’m proud of myself and I’m proud of them. We’re a team. The three musketeers. All for one and one for all!
You can visit Jane’s website at www.janedeith.com/
We also run a closed Facebook page for one-parent families. To join, please email support-team@twinstrust.org
Sarah always said how well I was doing. When no one else is telling you, that’s very welcome
Three musketeers: Jane and her twins
*Twins Trust offers support through its Family Crisis Support service. For anything else email support-team@twinstrust.org or ring Twinline our freephone listening service on 0800 138 0509 between 10am and 1pm and 7pm and 10pm, Monday to Friday.
