Mom + Pop

By Amy Senk

Jennifer Smith of the Smith Psychotherapy Group I reached out to Jennifer Smith of the Smith Psychotherapy Group in Newport Beach, along with Allie Runkel, a therapist on her staff, to learn more about what struggles families are experiencing in 2022. I had hoped to get some insight from Jennifer, a licensed marriage and family therapist, and Allie, a licensed professional clinical counselor, about the headline-making issues we hear so much about — suicide, fear of gun violence, sexual identity, bullying.

Instead, they told me that the pandemic experience has stunted our kids’ development so deeply that almost any other issue must be viewed through the Covid lens. It literally changed everything.

Amy Senk: Given the state of the world, business must be booming. Jennifer Smith: We are very busy for sure. My practice has doubled in size in the last two years. But I’m a therapist. I have a hard time saying no to people when they need help. The one thing that really stands out is we are nowhere close to the impact of Covid being over. For a lot of people, the impact is just starting. Even though the actual virus isn’t necessarily posing as much of a threat, the emotional, social, relational impact that it’s had on us is quite tremendous. I personally think that the teenage and young adult population was probably impacted the most. It was such a critical time of development for them, for the world to just stop. And everything to go on pause was traumatic for them. The individuation process where they’re trying to become their own person and carve their path into the world and the launch into adulthood was delayed, and in some cases, just completely derailed. I don’t think people realize this. When we educate our clients about this, the lightbulb goes on.

Allie Runkel: Many parents think part of survival and coping was to just adapt really fast and to just handle it; we all had to white knuckle it. Now we’re coming up for air and realizing the significance of the impact. I’ve seen a lot of parents coming in with their own anxiety and feelings of helplessness. Not only are they grieving their kids’ losses — they also have to tolerate their own emotional regulation and their relational impact within the family system. AS: What issues are you seeing the most? JS: When kids are elementary school age up until about puberty, they look to mom and dad for a sense of identity, a sense of belonging. When our kids enter puberty, that shifts. Now the focus becomes getting that acceptance, validation, the “Do I fit in? Do I belong?” from their peers. And the most important developmental task to accomplish through puberty is that social competence, or social confidence. When we went into this lockdown state where kids were isolated and quarantined, they had no outlet for mastering this important developmental task. And a lot of our kids turned to things they may not have turned to before to cope with the isolation and not being able to work through that important developmental task. We’ve had kids dealing with addictions to substances, alcohol, pornography, gambling, sneaking out at night, increased sexual activity, increased violence. They’re looking for some sort of outlet to release this emotion.

AS: Now things are more normal, but is that creating a new set of issues?

Allie Runkel of the Smith Psychotherapy Group JS: Definitely an increase in anxiety and social anxiety. For our kids, it’s not, “Get back up on the bike” if you haven’t been on the bike for a while. It’s teaching them all over again how to ride the bike. The loss of social skills, the loss of confidence in interacting with their peers, needs to be looked at as a brand-new concept. There’s a lot of fear and anxiety about doing it again. They hadn’t developed the years and years and years of experience and tolerance of discomfort that adults often have.

AR: There’s a more unconscious integration that needs to happen, too, because whatever your relationship was to Covid, there was an underlying message that the world was unsafe. To process that in therapy is really useful because however that has impacted them is now this new world view. “What is safe? What is okay? What are my needs? Is it okay that my needs have changed? Is it okay that I have changed?” There has been so much shifting. The world was unsafe, and now, how do we relate to it when we re-enter.

AS: What advice do you have for someone who has been considering therapy for their child? JS: The earlier the better because having a positive experience in therapy really lights the path up for them as they grow and become adults who can reach out for support in an objective and safe space. The red flags would be if there’s a change in mood, a change in diet or sleep. Anything where those basic needs start to shift. I think all of our kids, no matter how well we handled the pandemic, can benefit from getting that support right now.

Asking our kids if that is something that they think would benefit them is a great start, even if you’re not seeing the signs and symptoms. It’s there. They’ve all been impacted by it, and they could all use the support and help of a professional. It’s kind of like re-entering them back into a new normal life. I’m finding is we have to re-teach our children these skills.

AS: Do you still see a therapy stigma? AR: It’s just fascinating that that word is even still out there. As a therapist myself and as a client in therapy for years, I have found that therapy can look different for everyone. There’s this understanding that you have to have mental health issues, or all these buzzwords like anxiety and depression, but someone can benefit from therapy just by connecting to their therapist and having a therapeutic relationship that is safe and warm. JS: I think it’s still more in the parent generation. I read a study once that said the millennial generation is the highest therapy-seeking generation of all time, and maybe Gen Z is going to beat that. Most of the time when we get a call from a parent, they kid has said they wanted therapy, and parents have hesitated for a variety of reasons. The stigma is definitely breaking down in the younger generation. The misconception is you have to have a mental health disability or disorder or illness to get therapy, when in fact, therapy can benefit anyone and everyone. It can be a form of prevention, just like you go to the doctor to get checkups. Therapy can be seen as a safe, comfortable place to express yourself and gain skills and understanding so that you can enjoy life and feel better throughout the journey. Smith Psychotherapy Group has years of experience working with a variety of populations, including children, families and young adults. For more information, visit smithpsychotherapygroup.com, call 949922-8661 or follow them on Instagram @smithpsychotherapygroup.