BD Nostalgia - Fanfic-05

By Paigenotpage

BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 2

Chapter 1 The Slide of Stupidity and Futility “Why do we have to have an end of year meeting to discuss the state of affairs of Cobra?” Destro complained to Cobra Commander and the Baroness as they made their way down the halls of their hidden base. “We know what our state of affairs are in Cobra. We’re broke, barely functioning and have as much power as a substitute teacher on the last day of school. That’s what the affairs of Cobra are! End of story!” “Well somebody’s in a grumpy mood,” Cobra Commander quipped. “You’re more pessimistic than usual.” “I’m just saying I am glad this nightmare called a year is almost over,” Destro grumbled. “What did you expect from the year 2013?” The Baroness asked. “All sunshine and rainbows?” “It has been an unusually…” Cobra Commander began when something distracted him. It was the sound of music coming from Mindbender’s new lab. Specifically the sound of Lady Gaga’s Applause. “What the…?” “Oh God no…” Destro winced. “Please let this not be a repeat of his Madonna fixation in the 80’s.” “I know I’ll never get the sight of Mindbender wearing that cone bra out of my nightmares,” The Baroness groaned. “I don’t suppose we could just walk by and pretend he’s not in there can we?” Cobra Commander asked hopefully. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 3

“Not if he’s doing a pyrotechnic show along with his dance routine,” Destro sighed as he pushed open the door. “Brace yourselves. We’re going in.” “Must we?” Cobra Commander whined. “Oh goody,” The Baroness drawled as they entered the lab. “Something new to tell my therapist.” Inside they saw Mindbender in the lab singing and dancing. The six Battle Android Troopers were moving in synch with Mindbender’s movements to a laser light show behind him. What was really disturbing was that he was wearing purple glitter short shorts along with his usual lack of shirt attire and cape and purple glitter thigh high boots. And he had glitter all over his chest and head. “I live for the applause…applause…applause!” Mindbender was having the time of his life doing a routine that would make the singer he was emulating be uncomfortable with. “At least he’s only using lasers this time,” Cobra Commander sighed. “And not the ones that can blow things up.” “And he’s wearing more clothes than last time,” The Baroness sighed. “Could have been worse,” Destro winced. “It could have been the song Wrecking Ball.” “Thank you Destro for giving me more nightmares,” Cobra Commander moaned. Mindbender finished his routine with a flourish. “YEAHHH!” He whooped as he finished. He was greeted with the sound of dry applause. “Bravo, Mindbender. You have officially become the creepiest fan boy on Earth,” Cobra Commander quipped. “Uh…” Mindbender realized he had an audience. “I see you’ve got the remaining BATS working,” Destro deadpanned. “Of course it’s not exactly the programming we intended.” “This is like the Madonna episode,” The Baroness groaned. “Which is actually fitting if you think about it.” “I can explain…” Mindbender gulped. “We know you can but we don’t want to hear it,” Destro stopped him. “Mindbender the Battle Android Troopers are supposed to strike fear into our enemies! Not be your backup dancers for a floor show!” “On the other hand it’s a lot less disturbing than your usual hobbies in the lab so…” Cobra Commander sighed. “I think I’m going to actually encourage this one. At least with you singing there is a significant decrease in decapitated heads rolling around on the floor.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 4

“Uh as you see I have managed to salvage seven BATS,” Mindbender tried to regain what little professionalism he had. “Seven? I only see six,” The Baroness looked around. “Oh wait there’s one running a camera. Never mind.” “Cut! Cut!” Mindbender made a motion and the BAT obeyed. “As tempting as it is to cut you I think I’ve been disturbed enough for one day,” Cobra Commander groaned. “Turn your toys off and come with us to the meeting room. We’re having a meeting.” “Okay…” Mindbender nodded, deactivated the BATS and followed them. “Uh don’t you want to change?” The Baroness gave him a look. “Why? I’m comfortable,” Mindbender blinked. “We’re not!” Destro groaned. “Another example of another horrible year of Cobra as we once again slide down even further on the slide of stupidity and futility.” “Destro has the case of the holiday blues,” Cobra Commander explained. “I have a case of the Cobra Blues!” Destro snapped. “Which means that our organization is in the red, my bruises have turned black and I distinctly smell the decay of something brown in the lower levels of this base!” “Oh that’s not what you think it is,” Mindbender spoke up. “I was trying some new experiments with algae and it didn’t work. Aside from that slight hiccup I think I had a good year. I had some rather successful breakthroughs in my lab and financially.” “Financially successful? Mindbender you made more money stealing coins and laundry detergent from laundromats!” Destro told him. “I also got some nice clothes and met some very nice, very lonely laundromat attendants who were more than willing to look the other way for some attention if you get my drift,” Mindbender grinned. “Oh you are disgusting,” The Baroness winced as they entered the conference room. “Then again I suppose a fat laundromat worker is a step up from your experiments.” “Only one of them was technically fat,” Mindbender frowned. “And she could do things…” “NO! NO! NO!” Destro yelled. “For the love of God Mindbender I’d rather have by teeth cleaned by Torch than listen to tales of your sex life!” “All in all it was still a good year for me,” Mindbender shrugged. “If this is a good year for you I’d hate to see a bad one,” Destro remarked as they sat down in the conference room. “It was a good year for all of us!” Mindbender said. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 5

“How? Explain that to me,” Cobra Commander gave him a look. “Walk me through this.” “Well for starters we are no longer living on a boat,” Mindbender pointed out. “And in a much nicer base than our other one.” “Yes instead of a substandard base that smells like chicken grease we are in a substandard base that smells like fish,” The Baroness wrinkled her nose. “It’s still bigger and better equipped than our old base,” Mindbender pointed out. “A failing middle school filled with asbestos is bigger and better equipped than our old base,” Cobra Commander snapped. “It has a Tiki bar!” Mindbender said. “So did our old base. In my office!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Which meant I didn’t have to share with anyone!” “We made some new friends…” Mindbender went on. “We made a lot more new enemies!” The Baroness snapped. “We have two new members of Cobra who even you have to admit are improvements over the Dreadnoks,” Mindbender added. “A dead goldfish is an improvement over the Dreadnoks!” Destro snapped. “And don’t remind me about those traitors!” “Yes the last thing we need is another four hour rant about the Dreadnoks buying up your ancestral home and kicking your insane relatives out on the street,” Cobra Commander groaned. “I don’t know why you’re upset about that anyway. The place was a dump and you hate your family.” “It’s the principle of the thing all right?” Destro snapped. “And I only hate half of my family. There are some members I actually like.” “Too bad they all want you dead,” The Baroness quipped. “We saw a lot of the world and travelled,” Mindbender went on. “We blew up a lot of the world and caused destruction everywhere we travelled,” Destro corrected. “We ran into sea monsters, ghosts, pirates, ghost pirates…” Cobra Commander counted off. “Former employees and experiments that nearly killed us. The stupid seagulls… We were almost blown up by GI Joe at least twice…Destro you were right! There is nothing good about this year we have to rehash about!” “AAAAAAH!” The sounds of twins screaming could be heard. “Get moving! Move it! Move it! Move it!” Steve One could be heard. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 6

“Really? Nothing good?” Mindbender smirked. “Perhaps you want to think that over again Commander?” “AAAAAHHH!” The Crimson Twins yelled as they entered the room. This was due to Steve One and Two tasering them. They fell to the ground twitching. “Okay I’ll give you that one,” Cobra Commander conceded. “The entertainment has gotten better but other than that our year has been miserable. Surviving by the skin of our teeth…” “And the lack of wits,” The Baroness gave the Commander a look. “Speaking of lack of wits why the tasers Steve One and Two?” “Cobra Commander told us to bring them here without delay,” Steve One shrugged. “Even if we had to taser them.” “Did you really have to taser them?” The Baroness asked. “Urgle furgle…” The twins twitched and simultaneously drooled on the carpet. “No, but we thought we should do it to be sure,” Steve Two shrugged. “At least that’s what Steve said.” “Good call,” Cobra Commander looked at the twins on the floor. “Take a seat Steves. At the very least we’ve gained someone with some managing experience.” “Cool. Who’d we get?” Steve Two asked as he took a seat. “Yeah who?” Steve One asked. “All right time for the end of year review,” Cobra Commander decided it was best to press on. “Now I know this year hasn’t exactly been our best. Or our second best. Or… Well we’ve had worse. At least we’re a little better off than last year which is a victory in my book. Okay maybe not exactly a victory but…” “Way to inspire us Cobra Commander,” The Baroness groaned. “Now I realize that Cobra fell a little short of our goals this year…” Cobra Commander went on. “A little short?” Destro called out. “Commander Macy’s is closer to world domination than we are!” “Forget Macy’s,” The Baroness moaned. “Even JC Penny’s is closer than we are and they’re doomed!” “That’s not necessarily true,” Mindbender spoke up. “I heard their sales are going up.” “Well they couldn’t have gotten much further down,” Destro shrugged. “Besides it is the holiday season. Of course sales are going to go up. Those stupid little kiosks that sell calendars at the mall do well on the holidays. Any idiot can make money during BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 7

the season of giving crap to your loved ones and getting whatever you can at half off.” “I feel we are getting off track here,” Cobra Commander stopped them. “As I was saying…” “Half off? Who are they kidding?” The Baroness grumbled. “Everyone knows that the stores mark up their prices forty percent then purposely knock them down only twenty percent to make a profit!” “That’s why I always follow the thirty percent rule,” Mindbender sniffed. “If it’s not thirty percent or lower. I don’t buy it.” “What exactly do you buy?” Destro asked. “You don’t even wear shirt. Which I admit must save you a fortune.” “I buy things!” Mindbender protested. “I buy clothes! What you think my face looks this good on its own? You try getting a good monocle at cost! And how do you think I keep my mustache and face perfectly groomed? You know how much a good quality moisturizer can cost?” “Actually I usually get mine at Target,” Steve One spoke up. “They got some good stuff just as good as the department stores but much cheaper.” “I’ve tried some of that stuff but for some reason my face breaks out and…” Mindbender went on. “AS I WAS SAYING!” Cobra Commander yelled. “Obviously we haven’t been as focused as a team as we should be. Mistakes were made…” “By you,” Destro remarked. “We made a few wrong turns,” Cobra Commander pressed on. “Also that was you,” Destro added. “What did I do?” Cobra Commander snapped. “Do you want the top ten or just a general review of the whole year?” Destro asked. “You’re not still harping on Atlantis are you? Because that was not my fault!” Cobra Commander yelled. “You were the one who started looting the jewels from the King of Atlantis’ bathroom,” Destro pointed out. “Yes well I was…” Cobra Commander began. “Without making sure the king wasn’t in there at the time,” Destro finished. “In hindsight you really should have made sure his highness wasn’t using the throne when you went in there,” Mindbender smirked. “It’s not like he was just out there for all to see! There was a large screen! Okay?” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 8

Cobra Commander snapped. “And he was very quiet so I couldn’t tell he was doing his business while I was doing my business of keeping Cobra afloat!” “Wait…isn’t Atlantis underwater?” Steve Two was confused. “Yes,” The Baroness gave him a look. “Then why would he need to use a toilet?” Steve Two asked. “Wouldn’t he just…go?” “Maybe for number one but not for number two,” Mindbender shrugged. “So if we flush our waste into the ocean where does the ocean flush its waste?” Steve One asked. “Does Atlantis’ sewers connect to land or what?” “That would explain some of the smells at the docks in some coastal cities,” Mindbender thought. “Okay I’d rather go back to the shopping talk,” Cobra Commander groaned. “If we’re going to go off track I’d prefer a more sanitary conversation.” “How about this for conversation?” Destro folded his arms. “How about you do something about your drinking problem? How about that for a conversation? If you kicked the habit maybe all our plans wouldn’t be so half assed and stupid?” “The only drinking problem I have is that I don’t drink enough around you people!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Destro does have a point Cobra Commander,” The Baroness spoke up. “The quality of your schemes has really gone downhill these past few years.” “Like last year when we had to steal coal from Santa’s train and nearly got killed by rampaging children and their drunken parents?” Mindbender added. “And this year hasn’t been that much better,” The Baroness went on. “I had to steal half of our things in order to survive!” “And I had to steal the other half,” Mindbender nodded. “I’m the one who came up with stealing money and stuff from laundromats! Our only successful venture this year!” “Don’t forget we had to resort to trick or treating again in order to get something to eat let alone make a profit!” Destro added. “Yes but this time the Baroness was able to trick three drunks into thinking she was a teenager and knocked them unconscious,” Mindbender pointed out. “We got quite a haul.” “Would have been four if that wife hadn’t walked in at that last moment and called the cops,” The Baroness sighed. “And don’t forget how we celebrated Christmas Day!” Destro remarked. “We went to the mainland and broke into a corporate office to steal money and office supplies.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 9

“Which is a perfect time to go because everyone is at home with their loved ones,” Cobra Commander said. “Or at least that was the theory. How was I supposed to know that corporation was jointly owned by both a Muslim and a Jew? And how was I supposed to know that they would work so well together? Or that they both owned some high powered rifles and a flame thrower?” “They really worked great chasing us out,” Destro moaned. “We didn’t even get a paper clip.” “We almost got third degree burns,” The Baroness grumbled. “I guess it’s just not Christmas for Cobra unless something gets set on fire!” “That’s why we’re getting a jump on next year and need to come up with new schemes and plans to make Cobra great again!” Cobra Commander said. “Or at the very least make us some cash.” “Oh goody,” Destro drawled. “We get to come up with new ways to risk our lives for very little money and a whole lot of humiliation and failure!” “Let’s just do some brainstorming shall we?” Cobra Commander sighed. “I know that’s a difficult task considering the lack of brain cells in this room but let’s give it a shot. No idea is too insane or stupid to come up with. I mean we are the terrorist group that came up with giant vegetables attacking Chicago for crying out loud.” “How about we have giant vegetables attack Cleveland?” Steve Two spoke up. “Uh let’s just put that on the maybe pile and keep going?” Cobra Commander let it go. “Anyone else?” “Ooh! You know how we’ve been stealing from laundromats in Florida? It’s time to branch out to other states!” Mindbender spoke up. “I hear Louisiana is nice this time of year!” “I can’t believe I’m saying this but seeing that Mindbender’s little side job is the only profit we’ve made these past few months…” Destro groaned. “I think that is a plausible idea.” “Yeah okay fine, go for it,” Cobra Commander waved. “But let’s not limit ourselves shall we?” “Ooh! We could steal from vending machines too!” Steve Two spoke up. “Especially those that give out candy and those snack cakes! Yum!” “Wonderful. We’ll start an international petty crime ring,” Cobra Commander sighed. “Anything else?” “How about counterfeiting? I hear that’s a pretty good racket,” The Baroness asked. “We tried that. Remember? With the knockoff Twinkies?” Destro pointed out. “Oh right,” The Baroness blinked. “Well let’s try something other than snack cakes this time.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 10

“How about alcohol?” Steve One said cheerfully. “Uh we tried that too,” Mindbender fidgeted. “Before you joined us. You know that stuff I made for Cobra Commander at sea?” “The just plain shine? I recall,” Destro sighed. “What about it?” “Let’s just say Cobra Commander and I test marketed that at one of our ports of call and it didn’t go over very well,” Mindbender winced. “Was it the place where there was a sudden outbreak of violent explosive diarrhea?” Destro realized. “Uh yes and a few…cat fatalities,” Cobra Commander coughed. “The details aren’t important. Moving on.” “We send giant vegetables to attack Cleveland!” Steve Two spoke up. “We said that already,” Steve One said. “Oh well then how about we just go to Cleveland and let the giant vegetables attack us?” Steve Two giggled. “Steve are you high again?” Cobra Commander sighed. “No man I’m just drunk,” Steve Two told them. “You know for once I think Steve Two is onto something,” Destro sighed. “I suggest a new plan. We all get plastered and don’t sober up until the middle of January.” “Now who drinks too much?” Cobra Commander quipped as Destro got up and moved to a small bar at the other end of the room. “Alcoholism is a disease, Cobra Commander,” Destro gave him a look. “And unfortunately for us you’re a carrier!” “Carrier? He’s the Typhoid Mary of alcoholism,” The Baroness remarked as the functioning members of Cobra went to get some drinks. “Can we see if there’s anything good on TV?” Steve One indicated the television mounted on the wall. “Why not?” Cobra Commander shrugged as he found a remote and turned on the TV. “Finding anything good on TV at this time of year is always a challenge.” “Finding anything good on TV at any time of the year is always a challenge,” Destro sighed as he took a drink. “Coming up next!” An announcer spoke up. “America’s newest addiction! Badminton With the Stars! Who could forget last week’s amazing match between Harley Steen and Larry Russey?” “BATS! BATS EVERYWHERE!” An older star waved a badminton racket around. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 11

“Here birdie…birdie, birdie…hic…” Another star staggered around waving his racket. “Birdie…” He turned around and the birdie landed behind him. “Birdie?” “A riveting four hour match where no one managed to get a single hit…” The Announcer sighed. WHACK! “OW!” “Okay a cameraman and a couple of interns got hit with a racket but still…” The Announcer went on. “I rest my case…” Destro sighed. “Commander…” “I’m changing it…” Cobra Commander did so. “Tonight a holiday special! Larry the Disgruntled Postal Service Elf! The story of a lonely elf at the North Pole…” “Oh God no…” Cobra Commander grumbled. “Next!” “Tonight! A Very Dracula Christmas!” “Now while I enjoy a good bloodbath as much as the next person…” Destro sighed. “Next!” CLICK! “Next! Celebrity Hockey! The Ladies from the View take on The Five from Fox News!” “Again as much as I like a good bloodbath…” Destro moaned. CLICK! “Holiday Fun from North Korea! Join our favorite former basketball star as he…” “NO!” Cobra Commander changed the channel. “The last thing I want to do is hear about how great Little Kim is doing! He only got the job because of his Dad. I hate nepotism. Especially when it doesn’t apply to me. Although I must admit I am interested to see what new purges he’ll bring in the New Year…” “Who will win The Great Christmas Tree Trimming Challenge?” “Not the viewing audience that’s for sure,” The Baroness groaned. CLICK! “Next! A very special Family Matters version of A Christmas Carol! Will Urkel change his nerdy ways and…?” CLICK! BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 12

“Lifetimes’ Mrs. Scrooge!” CLICK! “The Cuddle Bunnies Christmas Carol!” CLICK! “A Goodfella’s Christmas Carol!” CLICK! “Carol’s Christmas Carol!” “Bah freaking humbug!” Cobra Commander groaned as he changed the channel. “Why do they have to rehash the same freaking story five hundred and twenty seven times every year?” “I agree. Albert Finney being Scrooge was clearly the best of the lot,” Destro nodded. “I have to disagree,” The Baroness shook her head. “George C Scott was better.” “Please none of them could beat Alistair Sim,” Cobra Commander waved. “I dunno,” Mindbender remarked. “I thought Michael Caine was rather good.” “From the Muppets version? You have got to be kidding?” The Baroness groaned. “He was good! And Jim Carrey in that other one,” Mindbender defended. “You’re all wrong,” Steve One spoke up. “It’s Scrooge McDuck. Hands down.” “Don’t forget Mr. Magoo!” Steve Two spoke up. “Okay I’m changing the channel and this conversation,” Cobra Commander grumbled. “Before we lose any more brain cells!” “I agree,” Destro admitted as he took another drink. “That conversation was starting to sound too much like a Dreadnok conversation. And by Dreadnok conversation I mean a pile of complete and utter drivel. If I never hear another word from a Dreadnok it will be too soon!” And right on cue just as he said that Cobra Commander changed the channel. “This is Chet Claret. We’re here interviewing Lord Thomas Robert Wilkington Blinkin Smythe the Second,” A black haired male reporter spoke in a studio. “Uh technically I ain’t a lord Chet ol boy,” The familiar voice of Torch came out of a shockingly clean shaven well groomed red haired man in an expensive grey suit. “Kind of had a bit of a mishap before I was made a lord. Had to make a tinkle and ended up going in the wrong room.” “AAAGGGHH!” Destro yelled. “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” “Oh here’s something worth watching,” Cobra Commander quipped. “Gather round BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 13

everyone and watch Destro have another aneurism.” “That…That preposterous impostor!” Destro yelled at the TV. “TORCH! I RUE THE DAY I MET YOU, YOU DUNDERHEADED DREADNOK DIMWIT!” “Oh yeah he was another guy that used to work for you until you fired him right?” Steve Two asked as Chet interviewed Torch. “Work is a very loose definition of what he did,” The Baroness sniffed. “Tell me about it,” Steve One said. “I was on the detail the day he and the other Dreadnoks decided to have the Let’s Hit Things with a Hammer championship.” “Wait a second…” Cobra Commander did a double take. “Were you in the room across the hall and had the broken leg with the broken wrist?” “No, I shared it with the guy who had the broken leg and wrist,” Steve One corrected him. “I had the broken foot and the concussion. We both shared the room across from you.” “You know I thought we met before,” Cobra Commander nodded. “Now I remember. You’re the one who hit the guy who insisted on watching the curling championship on the television.” “I just never got the sport. And quite frankly the last thing I wanted to see was more heavy things thrown around…” Steve One shrugged. “Oh that was fun,” Cobra Commander began to chuckle. “When you hit the guy I laughed so hard I popped a stich.” “If you’re done reminiscing I’d like to hear this!” Destro snapped. “What the hell has that drunken demon Dreadnok done now?” “As you have just seen that was our interview with Thomas Smythe the Second last month. To recap our top story last night the headquarters for Mongoose Incorporated has burned to the ground due to the extreme negligence of its CEO, Thomas Smythe the Second,” Chet spoke into the camera. “Here is recovered security camera footage of the incident.” “WHOO HOO! I’M A CEO AND I CAN SHOOT OFF GIANT ILLEGAL FIREWORKS ALL I WANT!” Torch whooped as he held a flamethrower. “IT’S GREAT TO BE RICH!” “No! You fool don’t use the flame…” Someone yelled off camera. Too late. Torch turned it on. Explosions and bright lights were everywhere. “Oops,” Torch coughed amid the smoke. “Sorry! My bad!” “There is justice in the universe!” Destro crowed. “I KNEW IT!” “Honestly are we really surprised this happened?” The Baroness rolled her eyes. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 14

“What surprises me is that it took a whole year for it to happen,” Cobra Commander remarked. “I was so sure he’d wreck the place by June.” “Well he didn’t,” Mindbender beamed. “So I win the betting pool! Boo-ya! This really is my year!” “Smythe was arrested this morning on charges of accidental arson of his own company,” Chet spoke. “As well as driving a stolen limo under the influence the wrong way down a freeway, trashing a hotel room at the Ritz Savoy Carson, stealing a chandelier from the hotel from the main lobby, and something very illegal and very immoral with a stolen penguin from the aquarium we really can’t talk about on the air without getting fined by the FCC.” “YES! HA HA HA! REVENGE!” Destro crowed with glee. “THANK YOU UNIVERSE!” “Now who saw this coming?” Cobra Commander shook his head. “Anyone with a brain cell!” “So much for our competition,” The Baroness scoffed. “SUCK ON THAT ZARTAN!” Destro whooped with glee. “I swear I wish I could have been there to see that rat’s face when this happened!” “Maybe that’s on a security camera too?” Steve One suggested. “Good idea Steve,” Destro grinned. “Remind me to check out TMZ and You Tube. If it exists it is bound to be on one or both of those websites sooner or later!” “Wait a second…I just thought of something,” Mindbender blinked. “I’ll alert social media,” Destro deadpanned. “Hashtag Mindbender has a working brain cell.” “If Torch was arrested they would have taken his fingerprints wouldn’t have they?” Mindbender asked. “That normally is part of the procedure yes,” Destro sighted. “Where are you going with this? Wait…I think I do.” “Unless Zartan and his new employers had the foresight to alter Torch’s fingerprints as well as his appearance…” Mindbender realized. “Oh I see where this is going…” Cobra Commander realized. “You don’t suppose they did…?” “We’re getting a breaking news report,” Chet spoke on the television. “In a stunning turn of events it has been revealed that Thomas Smythe is actually a wanted criminal that has been avoiding authorities for decades.” “They didn’t,” Mindbender said. “According to the FBI Smythe’s real name is Thomas ‘Torch’ Winkin,” Chet reportBD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 15

ed. “A known terrorist once associated with the defunct terrorist group Cobra.” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY DEFUNCT?” Cobra Commander snapped. “WE’RE STILL HERE YOU LIBERAL HACK!” “Winkin has an extensive criminal record that includes, murder, arson…” Chet read the report. “Theft. Grand theft auto, environmental crimes, counterfeiting, eating the world’s largest potato chip, poaching and doing unspeakable things to a koala in Sydney’s National Zoo. Before joining Cobra in the elite Dreadnok unit he was previously a member of the Melbourne Maulers Motorcycle Club but the group kicked him out for embezzlement, being too violent and burning down their clubhouse.” “Elite unit? The only thing elite about the Dreadnoks was that they were the most uncouth idiots that ever walked on this planet!” The Baroness rolled her eyes. “Every now and then the universe just gives you a freebee,” Destro smirked. He looked upwards. “Thank you universe!” “Another report is that Winkin is also charged with burning down his castle in Scotland…” Chet read from the report. “WHAT? NOOOOOO!” Destro yelled. “DAMN YOU UNIVERSE! YOU TRICKED ME INTO HAVING A SHRED OF HOPE AGAIN!” “This just in, Winkin has just escaped from prison by his Dreadnok associates,” Chet kept reading. “This is unbelievable…” “You’re telling me,” Destro moaned. “It figures!” “We are now getting reports that the Cobra terrorist unit the Dreadnoks have infiltrated Mongoose Incorporated over the past year…” Chet read another report. “We are now going live to a press conference being held outside the Mongoose Incorporated building in Los Angeles California.” “We at Mongoose Incorporated are shocked. Shocked at this turn of events,” Commander Deming was seen in a grey business dress. “That our CEO was actually a terrorist disgusts and sickens us all. For weeks we have been cooperating with the FBI on what we thought was an unrelated fraud and embezzlement operation within our company. But we had no idea how far these criminal activities would go…” “Yeah right! You backstabbing…” The Baroness grunted. “How much you want to bet Deming and the others were getting sick of Torch and the other Dreadnoks and had this cover story just waiting to protect themselves?” “You really think they thought that far ahead?” Mindbender blinked. “I wouldn’t be surprised,” The Baroness growled. “Deming may pretend to be a bleached blonde bimbo, mostly because she is…but when it comes to covering her behind she is surprisingly shrewd.” “In fact we discovered that several high ranking employees were members of the BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 16

Dreadnoks…” Deming began when a series of laser shots interrupted her. “You bloody little backstabbing tramp!” Zarana yelled as she and her two brothers ran out in their true attire. “You set us all up you did!” “Did you really think people wouldn’t notice that you were a family of criminals?” Deming shouted. “Especially when that pirate uncle of yours and his gang showed up on our door looking for handouts!” “I was wondering what happened to the pirates,” Cobra Commander remarked. “Now I know.” “And knowing is a good reason to invest in a digital recording device,” Steve One snickered. “You sold us out! YOU SOLD OUR NAMES OUT TO THE FBI TO SAVE YOURSELVES!” Zartan yelled. Several police officers tried to restrain the siblings. “Somebody had to get rid of the dead weight in the company!” Deming shouted. “I’ll show you dead weight bitch!” Zarana managed to break free and started firing her laser blaster. “Ah screw it!” Zartan yelled as he pulled out his blaster. “I was getting tired of hanging out in an office anyway! Dealing with pushing papers…Complaining jerks! I’VE HAD IT!” “YOU WANNA PLAY IT THAT WAY? FINE!” Deming pulled out a blaster of her own. “LIKE I DIDN’T FIGURE OUT YOU ANIMALS WERE GONNA DO THIS!” She started firing along with a few security guards in business suits. People were screaming. News reporters were ducking laser blasts. Papers were thrown in the air. “YOU’RE ONE TO TALK YOU KNOW? YOU WORKED IN COBRA TOO! ALMOST EVERYONE AT THE TOP WORKED FOR COBRA!” Zandar yelled as he fired. “PROVE IT!” Deming cheered as she fired back. “OH I CAN PROVE IT WITCH!” Zarana yelled. “HEY REPORTERS! GO ON COBRA CHRISTMAS PARTY DOT COM AND SEE WHAT SHE WAS DOING AT A COBRA CHRISTMAS PARTY FOR SEVERAL YEARS!” “That video was taken down!” Deming shouted as she fired. A tree was hit by her laser blasts and caught on fire. “I put it up again!” Zarana sneered. She fired her laser blaster. A man ran by screaming as he was on fire. “Not to mention a few other incriminating videos over the years!” Zartan yelled as one of his stray laser blast blew up a nearby police car. “I’ve been keeping blackmail material on Cobra for years!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 17

“That wasn’t me! That’s my twin sister!” Deming shouted as she kept firing and shot up another tree. “PULL THE OTHER ONE!” Zarana yelled as the firefight grew wilder. “HA HA HA!” Cobra Commander laughed. “Nothing warms my heart more than a shootout at a press conference!” “I guess it’s too much to hope for that they’ll all kill each other or get arrested by the authorities is it?” Destro sighed. “Are you kidding? I’ve seen this lot get out of tougher scrapes at our old Christmas parties!” The Baroness gave him a look. “Oh yeah,” Cobra Commander thought. “Who would have thought we would get attacked by rogue ninjas for three years straight?” “At least that won’t happen this year so…” Destro shrugged. “Hey for once we’re not in the middle of the madness so I say enjoy it!” Cobra Commander laughed. Then a loud gurgle was heard in the hallway. “What was that?” “Uh oh…” Mindbender blinked. “I knew I forgot to check the DNA fuser in Lab Three!” “What did you do now?” Cobra Commander screamed. “I may have thrown in some unusual biological samples in with my protoplasmic DNA recombinator just for giggles,” Mindbender winced as the gurgling sound grew louder along with a sloshing sound. “And what kind of biological samples are we talking about?” Destro snapped. “Oh nothing much. Just some eggs, some liquid calcium and…alcohol,” Mindbender coughed. “Liquid calcium? Wait, do you mean milk?” The Baroness did a double take. “Uh yes…” Mindbender added. “An egg nog monster? Seriously?” Cobra Commander shouted. “That is the stupidest…” “GRURRBBLE BURRBLE!” “What’s that leaking through the door?” Steve One blinked. “It smells like egg nog dude,” Steve Two blinked. The door broke through with a tidal wave of egg nog. A huge blob monster dripping all over with egg nog spilled over into the room. It shot out a torrent of egg nog from its huge jaws right at Cobra Commander. “AAAAAKKKK!” Cobra Commander was covered in egg nog. “I HATE EGG NOG! BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 18

TOO MUCH MILK AND NOT ENOUGH ALCOHOL IN IT! AAAGGGGH!” “Great! On top of being broke and having no clue what we’re doing, now we have to fight for survival against one of Mindbender’s insane creations!” Destro yelled as he pulled out his blaster. “In other words we’re going to start the New Year the same way we’ve started all the other ones,” The Baroness sighed.

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Chapter 2 One Stooge Short “Oh…my head…” Tomax moaned as he sat up in the conference room. His hair was standing up straight and he was covered in egg nog. “It’s like the Dreadnoks threw a party in it,” Xamot his twin brother agreed, also in an equally disheveled state. He then looked around the trashed conference room. “Perhaps they did?” “This is a bit more disconcerting than usual,” Tomax frowned as the twins stood up. “What the bloody hell happened here?” Xamot looked around. “It looks like someone vomited egg nog all over the place and then set it on fire.” “That’s essentially what did happen,” The Baroness staggered in. She was covered in egg nog and her hair smelled burnt. “Oh good. You two are finally awake. You can help with the clean-up.” “Baroness what happened?” Tomax said. “Just what I said,” The Baroness sighed as she made her way to the bar. “There’s egg nog all over the place and Cobra Commander tried to get rid of it by using a flame thrower. Not the brightest of moves on something that is mostly made of alcohol.” “But how…?” Xamot began. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 20

“Mindbender was fooling around with…” The Baroness began as she poured herself a drink. “Say no more,” Tomax interrupted, holding up his hand. “Now we get the picture,” Xamot groaned. “All in all it was a typical Cobra New Year’s Eve,” The Baroness sighed as she sipped a drink. “Welcome to 2014.” “It’s just as well we were unconscious,” Tomax groaned. “What else did we miss?” “Let’s see…” The Baroness thought. “Oh both Steves are in the infirmary with a concussion and some food poisoning. They tried to drink the egg nog monster and apparently the eggs used were past their expiration date…” “Good,” Xamot grinned. “How did…” “They get a concussion?” Tomax finished. “They both slipped on the egg nog and hit their heads on each other,” The Baroness sighed. “It was like a scene out of a Three Stooges movie. Only it was one stooge short.” “What else?” Xamot asked. “Mongoose Incorporated fired Torch and the Dreadnoks,” The Baroness went on. “After Torch burned down their headquarters. And Destro’s castle. And a police station.” “It’s about time,” Tomax grunted. “Yeah the cat is out of the bag on the Dreadnoks and their cover is blown,” The Baroness nodded. “On the up side so is former Cadet Deming. After getting into a lovely firefight in front of the press, proof and some rather incriminating videos of her association with Cobra…And the two of you were leaked online.” “What kind of proof?” Xamot asked. “The same kind of proof Kim Kardshian had with Ray J,” The Baroness smirked. “Only there’s two of you and her ass isn’t half as big.” “It’s not the one with us on the trampoline and the leaf blower is it?” Tomax realized. “The trampoline, the leaf blower and the watermelon…” The Baroness grinned. “Oh no…” Xamot winced. “That was not…” “One of our better ones,” Tomax winced at the same time. “Anyway the rest of the traitors at Mongoose Incorporated got away scott free because Deming cut some deal not to testify against them and vice versa,” The Baroness groaned. “At least that is what we can figure out.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 21

“She must have a good attorney,” Xamot mused. “A real good one,” The Baroness groaned. “She somehow managed to get any charges dropped against her and is now negotiating with E network for her own reality show.” “That woman has more lives than a cat,” Tomax groaned. “Anything else?” “SQUAWK! SQUAWK!” “GET OFF ME! AAAGHHH! GET OFF ME YOU FLYING RATS!” Cobra Commander ran by being attacked by several seagulls. “I HATE SEAGULLS! WHEN I BECOME RULER OF THE WORLD THE FIRST THING I AM GOING TO DO IS IMPLEMENT A SEAGULL EXTERMINATION PROGRAM! AAAAAH!” “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT COBRA COMMANDER!” Destro yelled as he ran after with some seagulls attacking him as well. “I HAVE BIRD POOP ALL OVER MY UNIFORM!” Cobra Commander screamed. “AAAAHHH!” “HOLD STILL COBRA COMMANDER!” Mindbender ran by wearing his outfit from the other night (yes the glittering purple short shorts) carrying a strange weapon. “I THINK I CAN FRY THOSE BIRDS OFF YOU!” ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAAAAAPPP! “YEOWWWW! YOU GOT ME YOU FOOL!” Cobra Commander screamed. “AAAAHH!” “YOU’RE WORSE THAN THE SEAGULLS YOU HACK!” Destro ran by again with the birds. “JUST HOLD STILL!” Mindbender ran by again. “NO WAY IN HELL YOU DERANGED….AAAAAAH!” Destro yelled then a loud thud was heard. Then a mild explosion. “Nothing more than usual,” The Baroness shrugged.

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Chapter 3 The First Felony of the Year “The first heist of the new year,” Destro moaned. “This is degrading.” “This is the economy!” The Baroness snapped. “Times are tough and we have to get money to fund our organization by any means necessary!” “The Baroness is right,” Cobra Commander hissed. He was wearing a trench coat. “So Destro get back to work picking the lock while Baroness you keep a lookout.” “Look out? What look out? No one is here!” The Baroness sniffed. “It’s still a public place!” Cobra Commander hissed. “Someone could walk in here at any moment!” “Calm down Cobra Commander,” The Baroness rolled her eyes. “I put donuts laced with laxatives in the break room and I saw those security guards run like flies to a flytrap ten minutes ago. They will not interrupt us.” “But someone else could!” Cobra Commander hissed. “Oh all right! But it’s a waste of time,” The Baroness groaned as she went to the door to be a look out. “Destro keep working on that lock!” Cobra Commander ordered. “I am working as fast as I can! Believe me Commander I want out of here just as much as you do!” Destro snapped. “Maybe even more! Your whining is only distracting me!” “Sorry,” Cobra Commander apologized. “I always get jittery on the first felony of the BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 23

year.” “Well you can stop being nervous because I’ve got it!” Destro growled as he broke the lock. “Jackpot!” Cobra Commander hissed with glee. “Well more or less…” “Take everything,” The Baroness ordered as she walked over. “The coast is clear.” “Everything?” Destro winced. “Yes everything!” Cobra Commander pulled out a small bag. He pulled out several coins. “Cobra needs every penny it can get!” “What about…?” Destro pointed to what else was in the vault. “Take them too!” The Baroness said. “Really?” Cobra Commander did a double take. “I don’t think we’re that desperate!” “Just take them!” The Baroness snapped. “Well go on Commander!” “I’m not touching those,” Destro said to Cobra Commander. “Fine! Never let it be said that I didn’t do any dirty work!” Cobra Commander reluctantly took the other items in the vault. “That will be a first,” The Baroness quipped. “I should have brought my camera.” “We got it! We got it! Let’s go!” Destro hissed. “Fine…” The Baroness rolled her eyes and looked out the door. “The coast is clear.” “Go! Go! Go! Go!” Cobra Commander hissed as they ran out the door and were soon out of the building. They quickly entered the parking lot and jumped in an inconspicuous blue van. “We did it! We got away with it! We successfully evaded detection! Once again Cobra is victorious!” “Oh please!” The Baroness snapped. “We were in a ladies’ room in a JC Penny a week after New Year’s! Nobody was going to be in that store! Let alone the sales clerks. Seriously. I didn’t see a sales person in there. It was like they were all hiding in shame.” “I know the feeling. We just stole twenty nine dollars and fifty cents from a women’s tampon dispenser,” Destro moaned. “Never in my life have I been so ashamed to be a criminal.” “Not to mention some toilet paper,” Cobra Commander added. “And over forty dollars’ worth of tampons and pads,” The Baroness added. “That’s at least two month’s supply. Trust me those suckers really add up.” “Do you even need those anymore?” Cobra Commander asked the Baroness. “Really?” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 24

“Don’t go there Cobra Commander,” Destro winced. “I’m just saying I’m surprised,” Cobra Commander spoke. “I know how old you really are Baroness. I’m amazed you still have eggs let alone…” With one swift movement the Baroness sucker punched Cobra Commander in the stomach. “Ow…” Cobra Commander gasped. “I warned you not to go there,” Destro sighed as he drove the van. “He did,” The Baroness nodded. She punched Cobra Commander again. “Ohhh…” Cobra Commander moaned. “When did all the fun go out of being the leader of a terrorist organization? Oohhhh.” Chapter 4: Stepping Up To Juvenile Delinquency Stepping Up To Juvenile Delinquency “Oh goody,” Destro said sarcastically as the Cobras sat down in their conference room. “Just what I wanted. Another meeting.” “Not just any meeting. Today we are coming up with new plots for the new year,” Cobra Commander said. “I’m getting sick and tired of these petty crime sprees. It’s time Cobra did something bold and original! So I’ve got a few ideas.” “Does any of these ideas come from television?” Destro drawled. “Because I saw you watching that Breaking Bad marathon and I’m telling you right now I will not contribute to running a meth lab!” “Are you telling me a man who used to sell nuclear bombs and other weapons of mass destruction suddenly has principles?’ Cobra Commander snapped. “I may not have many left, but yes,” Destro snapped. “Principles?” Tomax chuckled. “Destro we once witnessed you blowing up an orphanage in order to demonstrate a product to a client!” Xamot added. “In the first place that orphanage was going to be torn down anyway,” Destro waved. “And it’s not like there were any orphans inside. They had all been evacuated the day before.” “To a nice dingy sweatshop down the block,” Xamot gave him a look. “Which you were a part owner of,” Tomax added. “As I recall, you two were the other half of the ownership,” Destro glared at them. “If you think about it those children were better off there anyway. They actually had a meal once a day and were learning skills. Not to mention there were far fewer rats and almost no lice in that building. It was practically a trade school.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 25

“Yes there’s where you draw the line,” Mindbender rolled his eyes. “But there is a legitimate reason for not running a meth lab. It’s been overdone. What we should do is come up with a brand new kind of drug and sell it!” “If this is anything like some of your other drugs in the past we shouldn’t,” The Baroness gave him a look. “Remember C-Buzz back in 94?” “Ooh, I’d forgotten about that one,” Cobra Commander winced. “Not surprising,” The Baroness folded her arms. “You were high as a kite on the stuff for weeks! Not to mention…” “Right. You have a point Baroness,” Cobra Commander glared at Mindbender. “Never again will I allow one of Mindbender’s concoctions to hit the open market!” “In my defense I told you specifically that I needed more time to research and test the product before marketing!” Mindbender snapped. “You only gave me a week for crying out loud! Of course there were going to be some unexpected side effects.” “Growing an extra toe and boils on your backside the size of grapefruit aren’t side effects!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Even I have to draw the line at drastic genetic mutations! And this is coming from a man who’s had a few in his lifetime!” “Wait that was you guys?” Steve Two spoke up. “My uncle George took that stuff, got huge bug eyes and grew gills.” “Yes, the wrath of the Federal Drug Agency was nothing compared to the hordes of unhappy customers,” Cobra Commander groaned. “Some of which were our own troops.” “Take a lesson Steves,” Tomax groaned. “It is never profitable to have even your lowest level employees buy your drug product.” “Especially if it is a failure,” Xamot added. “And the employees know where the warehouse is…” “And have access to flamethrowers,” Tomax finished. “All right. Fine. Drugs are off the table,” Cobra Commander sighed. “There’s too much competition in the market anyway what with all the cartels and the state of Colorado. We’ll move on to other ideas.” “Like what?” Destro asked. “I ask knowing the answer will cause me nothing but headaches.” “Well I was going to save this for the end of the meeting,” Cobra Commander took out some folders and passed them around to everyone at the table. “Make it my big finish. But considering the quality of ideas is rapidly going downhill…not to mention my reason to live I think we should go on with this one.” “Operation Russian Gold?” The Baroness read the title of the folder. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 26

“You want to steal the medals from the Winter Olympics?” Destro was stunned as he looked at the files. “All right! Road trip!” Steve One cheered as he high fived Steve Two. “Are you out of your mind?” Destro yelled. “Why not? It’s bold! It’s daring! It’s just the shot in the arm Cobra needs to get back in the game!” Cobra Commander said. “Now before you dismiss this idea completely…” “Too late…” The twins said as one. “Read the bullet points and the plan,” Cobra Commander went on. “Go on. Read it.” The Cobras read the folders for a moment in silence. “It’s…a good plan,” Destro was stunned. “How…?” “I still have a few connections in Russia from the old days,” Cobra Commander waved. “This could work,” The Baroness agreed. “It’s risky but what the hell? It’s better than what we’ve come up with before!” “We agree,” The Twins nodded. “Why not?” Destro sighed. “Even though I know deep down somewhere this plan has a flaw in it.” “Road trip!” The Steves cheered with Mindbender. “Okay so that’s one good idea that I came up with,” Cobra Commander was pleased with himself. “Now all of you need to come up with ideas.” “I…” Mindbender began. “Except for you Mindbender!” Cobra Commander snapped. “You are exempt from the planning process! For obvious reasons!” “When did I become a Dreadnok?” Mindbender snapped. “I’m not stupid you know? They don’t give doctorate degrees in science, dentistry and animal husbandry to just anyone!” “Oh let him spout out his insane idea,” Destro waved. “Just to get it over with.” “Fine…” Cobra Commander sighed. “Go ahead Mindbender.” “Actually I have two ideas,” Mindbender spoke up. “Now I know in the past we haven’t had that much success with genetic mutations…” Most of the table groaned with agony. “But if you hear me out I think I have a plan,” Mindbender pressed on. “I’ve got some wonderful new DNA enhancers I’ve been working on. When they are ready we introduce them to a part of the population. Some small town no one knows about, put it into the water supply and…” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 27

“In other words one of our older plans that failed miserably when GI Joe busted it up,” Destro interrupted. “Yes but this time there are no GI Joe moles in our organization!” Mindbender grinned. “That we know of,” Cobra Commander looked at the Steves. “Uh no, not me,” Steve One gave him a look. “Terrorist henchman. Remember?” “Who’s GI Joe?” Steve Two blinked. “Okay so there are no moles,” Cobra Commander waved. “Why not? Let’s leave that plan in the pile. What’s your other plan Mindbender?” “Remember my mind control chewing gum?” Mindbender asked. “I redid the formula! We can make it synthetically! I just need one or two minor ingredients I can get uh…elsewhere.” “And where are these ingredients found?” Destro asked with a sigh. “I’m sure I can pick them up at any aquarium or private zoo without much trouble,” Mindbender waved. “He did say aquarium didn’t he?” Tomax asked his brother. “And private zoo,” Xamot sighed. “Okay fine! Project Troublemint is approved also!” Cobra Commander waved. “Hey that’s kind of clever. Okay we’re actually being productive today! Let’s get this ball rolling! Baroness what do you have?” “Well if we are going to Russia I also have some contacts I can call on,” The Baroness thought. “Maybe steal something?” “Okay. Why not kill two birds with one stone?” Cobra Commander jotted it down on a piece of paper. “Let’s do some brainstorming. Even though we are working with a limited number of brain cells. Crimson Twins what do you have?” “We could try using the money we steal to take over another company and work from there,” Xamot spoke. “Using that as a base of operations,” Tomax said. “In other words nothing,” Mindbender scoffed. “Don’t we already have a corporation? I mean aren’t we a corporation?” Steve Two blinked. “Let’s just say there’s been some downsizing and leave it at that,” Cobra Commander sighed. “But we do have a business! The fish shop!” Steve Two said. “Just yesterday I sold three three fish and a bucket of clams!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 28

“Wow. Three whole fish…” Xamot quipped. “And a bucket of clams,” Tomax smirked. “Business is booming,” The Twins said as one. “At least he knows not to run his business to the ground!” Steve One glared at the twins. “Yeah and the pot I sold the other day really…” Steve Two began. Steve One shushed him. “Oh right. Not supposed to talk about it.” “Looks like someone’s hiding something,” The twins chirped with glee. “Oh goody,” Destro groaned. “We’re already in the drug business.” “Anything you’d like to share Steves?” Cobra Commander asked in an icy tone. “It’s just my local homemade stuff I grew myself,” Steve Two shrugged. “I sell mostly to seniors who appreciate righteous chronic.” “How much?” The Baroness asked. “Let’s just say that new refrigerator filled with scotch didn’t pay for itself,” Steve One to a nearby mini refrigerator plugged in a corner. “There’s scotch here? Okay! Good use of funds Steve One!” Cobra Commander did a double take. “At least with you running things I know the money will be put to good use. Unlike some twin twerps I know!” “We’re in the room!” The Twins snapped. “You know what? As productive as today has been I still feel that Cobra is missing something,” Cobra Commander sighed. “You mean like actual troops, weapons, funding…” Destro counted off. “A few tanks…” “Besides that…” Cobra Commander waved. “I feel like Cobra has lost it’s spark. I know! Let’s go out and commit a few random crimes. That always makes me feel better.” “Oh goody, now we’re stepping up to juvenile delinquency,” Destro said sarcastically. “In case you haven’t considered this aren’t you lot going to be conspicuous?” “Not with my new hologram watch!” Mindbender took something out. “I got the idea from this…program I viewed about possible alternate timelines.” “You mean cartoons?” Destro gave him a look. “Buck Rodgers?” “X-Men Evolution,” Mindbender shrugged and gave a watch to Cobra Commander. “Go on Commander. Try that button on the left.” “If this thing explodes and takes my arm off I will kill you Mindbender,” Cobra ComBD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 29

mander put on the watch. He turned it on. “Well this takes me back,” Tomax remarked as he saw the Commander’s hologram. “You look like you did on that road trip to Hell a few years ago,” Xamot added. “You know?” “The one where you looked like that insane Dean from Community?” Tomax added. Indeed the Dean from Community sat there. “Hey the man won an Oscar and is a respected actor!” Cobra Commander replied in his usual voice. “I can live with this!” “Unfortunately we have to live with it so…” The Baroness grimaced. “But I have to admit it is an improvement.” “I made one for you too Destro,” Mindbender gave him one. “Why does he need it?” Cobra Commander snapped. “All he has to do is take off his damn mask! I’m bluer than Papa Smurf, have more eyes than the waiting room at an optometrist’s office and have more scales on me than the reptile house at the zoo! I have to wear this getup! He doesn’t!” “Yeah I’ve always wondered about that,” Steve One gave him a look. “Nobody knows what you look like without the mask. You can just go on without it an a change of clothes.” “I wear this mask in respect for my ancestors,” Destro gave him a look. “As lord of McCullen Castle…” “Destro, McCullen Castle is now McCullen Parking Lot!” Cobra Commander interrupted. “And your family is pretty ticked off about that. There’s no real point in you wearing that all the time. Unless you want to be a target.” “You…have a very vailid argument,” Destro sighed. “Now that I think about it, I have never seen your true face,” The Baroness realized. “And we’ve slept together.” “We’ve seen Cobra Commander’s face more than yours,” Mindbender pointed out. “And no offense but you can’t look any worse than he does.” “Even I have to admit that one is true,” Cobra Commander nodded. “Come on Destro! Let’s see it!” “You’re not going to shut up unless I do it aren’t you?” Destro sighed. “Take it off! Take it off!” The Steves and the Twins cheered. “Take it off! Take it off!” Mindbender and the Baroness added. “What do you think?” Cobra Commander gave him a look. “Take it off! Take it off!” “All right! All right!” Destro worked with the controls of his mask. “I suppose we BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 30

have worked together so long you might as well get a peek.” “Not to mention dated me!” The Baroness added. “Why do you keep forgetting that?” “I wish we could forget that,” Cobra Commander groaned. The Baroness glared at him. Destro took his mask off. Everyone looked at him. “Oh. That’s what you look like?” Mindbender sounded disappointed. “You don’t even have a scar.” “I didn’t know you had a beard,” The Baroness blinked. “You look like one of the well groomed cousins of those Duck Dynasty people,” Cobra Commander blinked. Destro had short red hair, a well groomed short red beard and mustache with blue eyes. “I’m sorry it’s not as dramatic as you had hoped,” He quipped. “Sorry. It’s just not what I pictured you at all,” The Baroness said. “The red hair and beard I mean.” “You know I’m Scottish,” Destro pointed out. “Quite a lot of Scotts have red hair.” “I just pictured you bald for some reason,” Mindbender shrugged. “Must be because of the mask.” “I thought that too,” Cobra Commander admitted. “Yes well now that you have all had a good look…” Destro let out a sigh and a wave. “Right! All right Cobra! Let’s go out and cause some mayhem!” Cobra Commander clapped his hands together. “What kind of mayhem?” The Baroness asked. “I don’t know. We’ll just ride around up topside in one of the cars we found and see what happens,” Cobra Commander waved. “Well as long as you have a plan…” The Baroness groaned. “I think I shall remain here,” Destro sighed. “Someone has to stay behind and watch the base. And if necessary plan a jail breakout.” “Great! You and I can run the fish shop together!” Steve Two cheered. “Oh…joy,” Destro sighed.

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Chapter 4 Stepping Up To Juvenile Delinquency

“Oh goody,” Destro said sarcastically as the Cobras sat down in their conference room. “Just what I wanted. Another meeting.” “Not just any meeting. Today we are coming up with new plots for the new year,” Cobra Commander said. “I’m getting sick and tired of these petty crime sprees. It’s time Cobra did something bold and original! So I’ve got a few ideas.” “Does any of these ideas come from television?” Destro drawled. “Because I saw you watching that Breaking Bad marathon and I’m telling you right now I will not contribute to running a meth lab!” “Are you telling me a man who used to sell nuclear bombs and other weapons of mass destruction suddenly has principles?’ Cobra Commander snapped. “I may not have many left, but yes,” Destro snapped. “Principles?” Tomax chuckled. “Destro we once witnessed you blowing up an orphanage in order to demonstrate a product to a client!” Xamot added. “In the first place that orphanage was going to be torn down anyway,” Destro waved. “And it’s not like there were any orphans inside. They had all been evacuated the day before.” “To a nice dingy sweatshop down the block,” Xamot gave him a look. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 32

“Which you were a part owner of,” Tomax added. “As I recall, you two were the other half of the ownership,” Destro glared at them. “If you think about it those children were better off there anyway. They actually had a meal once a day and were learning skills. Not to mention there were far fewer rats and almost no lice in that building. It was practically a trade school.” “Yes there’s where you draw the line,” Mindbender rolled his eyes. “But there is a legitimate reason for not running a meth lab. It’s been overdone. What we should do is come up with a brand new kind of drug and sell it!” “If this is anything like some of your other drugs in the past we shouldn’t,” The Baroness gave him a look. “Remember C-Buzz back in 94?” “Ooh, I’d forgotten about that one,” Cobra Commander winced. “Not surprising,” The Baroness folded her arms. “You were high as a kite on the stuff for weeks! Not to mention…” “Right. You have a point Baroness,” Cobra Commander glared at Mindbender. “Never again will I allow one of Mindbender’s concoctions to hit the open market!” “In my defense I told you specifically that I needed more time to research and test the product before marketing!” Mindbender snapped. “You only gave me a week for crying out loud! Of course there were going to be some unexpected side effects.” “Growing an extra toe and boils on your backside the size of grapefruit aren’t side effects!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Even I have to draw the line at drastic genetic mutations! And this is coming from a man who’s had a few in his lifetime!” “Wait that was you guys?” Steve Two spoke up. “My uncle George took that stuff, got huge bug eyes and grew gills.” “Yes, the wrath of the Federal Drug Agency was nothing compared to the hordes of unhappy customers,” Cobra Commander groaned. “Some of which were our own troops.” “Take a lesson Steves,” Tomax groaned. “It is never profitable to have even your lowest level employees buy your drug product.” “Especially if it is a failure,” Xamot added. “And the employees know where the warehouse is…” “And have access to flamethrowers,” Tomax finished. “All right. Fine. Drugs are off the table,” Cobra Commander sighed. “There’s too much competition in the market anyway what with all the cartels and the state of Colorado. We’ll move on to other ideas.” “Like what?” Destro asked. “I ask knowing the answer will cause me nothing but headaches.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 33

“Well I was going to save this for the end of the meeting,” Cobra Commander took out some folders and passed them around to everyone at the table. “Make it my big finish. But considering the quality of ideas is rapidly going downhill…not to mention my reason to live I think we should go on with this one.” “Operation Russian Gold?” The Baroness read the title of the folder. “You want to steal the medals from the Winter Olympics?” Destro was stunned as he looked at the files. “All right! Road trip!” Steve One cheered as he high fived Steve Two. “Are you out of your mind?” Destro yelled. “Why not? It’s bold! It’s daring! It’s just the shot in the arm Cobra needs to get back in the game!” Cobra Commander said. “Now before you dismiss this idea completely…” “Too late…” The twins said as one. “Read the bullet points and the plan,” Cobra Commander went on. “Go on. Read it.” The Cobras read the folders for a moment in silence. “It’s…a good plan,” Destro was stunned. “How…?” “I still have a few connections in Russia from the old days,” Cobra Commander waved. “This could work,” The Baroness agreed. “It’s risky but what the hell? It’s better than what we’ve come up with before!” “We agree,” The Twins nodded. “Why not?” Destro sighed. “Even though I know deep down somewhere this plan has a flaw in it.” “Road trip!” The Steves cheered with Mindbender. “Okay so that’s one good idea that I came up with,” Cobra Commander was pleased with himself. “Now all of you need to come up with ideas.” “I…” Mindbender began. “Except for you Mindbender!” Cobra Commander snapped. “You are exempt from the planning process! For obvious reasons!” “When did I become a Dreadnok?” Mindbender snapped. “I’m not stupid you know? They don’t give doctorate degrees in science, dentistry and animal husbandry to just anyone!” “Oh let him spout out his insane idea,” Destro waved. “Just to get it over with.” “Fine…” Cobra Commander sighed. “Go ahead Mindbender.” “Actually I have two ideas,” Mindbender spoke up. “Now I know in the past we havBD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 34

en’t had that much success with genetic mutations…” Most of the table groaned with agony. “But if you hear me out I think I have a plan,” Mindbender pressed on. “I’ve got some wonderful new DNA enhancers I’ve been working on. When they are ready we introduce them to a part of the population. Some small town no one knows about, put it into the water supply and…” “In other words one of our older plans that failed miserably when GI Joe busted it up,” Destro interrupted. “Yes but this time there are no GI Joe moles in our organization!” Mindbender grinned. “That we know of,” Cobra Commander looked at the Steves. “Uh no, not me,” Steve One gave him a look. “Terrorist henchman. Remember?” “Who’s GI Joe?” Steve Two blinked. “Okay so there are no moles,” Cobra Commander waved. “Why not? Let’s leave that plan in the pile. What’s your other plan Mindbender?” “Remember my mind control chewing gum?” Mindbender asked. “I redid the formula! We can make it synthetically! I just need one or two minor ingredients I can get uh…elsewhere.” “And where are these ingredients found?” Destro asked with a sigh. “I’m sure I can pick them up at any aquarium or private zoo without much trouble,” Mindbender waved. “He did say aquarium didn’t he?” Tomax asked his brother. “And private zoo,” Xamot sighed. “Okay fine! Project Troublemint is approved also!” Cobra Commander waved. “Hey that’s kind of clever. Okay we’re actually being productive today! Let’s get this ball rolling! Baroness what do you have?” “Well if we are going to Russia I also have some contacts I can call on,” The Baroness thought. “Maybe steal something?” “Okay. Why not kill two birds with one stone?” Cobra Commander jotted it down on a piece of paper. “Let’s do some brainstorming. Even though we are working with a limited number of brain cells. Crimson Twins what do you have?” “We could try using the money we steal to take over another company and work from there,” Xamot spoke. “Using that as a base of operations,” Tomax said. “In other words nothing,” Mindbender scoffed. “Don’t we already have a corporation? I mean aren’t we a corporation?” Steve Two BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 35

blinked. “Let’s just say there’s been some downsizing and leave it at that,” Cobra Commander sighed. “But we do have a business! The fish shop!” Steve Two said. “Just yesterday I sold three three fish and a bucket of clams!” “Wow. Three whole fish…” Xamot quipped. “And a bucket of clams,” Tomax smirked. “Business is booming,” The Twins said as one. “At least he knows not to run his business to the ground!” Steve One glared at the twins. “Yeah and the pot I sold the other day really…” Steve Two began. Steve One shushed him. “Oh right. Not supposed to talk about it.” “Looks like someone’s hiding something,” The twins chirped with glee. “Oh goody,” Destro groaned. “We’re already in the drug business.” “Anything you’d like to share Steves?” Cobra Commander asked in an icy tone. “It’s just my local homemade stuff I grew myself,” Steve Two shrugged. “I sell mostly to seniors who appreciate righteous chronic.” “How much?” The Baroness asked. “Let’s just say that new refrigerator filled with scotch didn’t pay for itself,” Steve One to a nearby mini refrigerator plugged in a corner. “There’s scotch here? Okay! Good use of funds Steve One!” Cobra Commander did a double take. “At least with you running things I know the money will be put to good use. Unlike some twin twerps I know!” “We’re in the room!” The Twins snapped. “You know what? As productive as today has been I still feel that Cobra is missing something,” Cobra Commander sighed. “You mean like actual troops, weapons, funding…” Destro counted off. “A few tanks…” “Besides that…” Cobra Commander waved. “I feel like Cobra has lost it’s spark. I know! Let’s go out and commit a few random crimes. That always makes me feel better.” “Oh goody, now we’re stepping up to juvenile delinquency,” Destro said sarcastically. “In case you haven’t considered this aren’t you lot going to be conspicuous?” “Not with my new hologram watch!” Mindbender took something out. “I got the idea BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 36

from this…program I viewed about possible alternate timelines.” “You mean cartoons?” Destro gave him a look. “Buck Rodgers?” “X-Men Evolution,” Mindbender shrugged and gave a watch to Cobra Commander. “Go on Commander. Try that button on the left.” “If this thing explodes and takes my arm off I will kill you Mindbender,” Cobra Commander put on the watch. He turned it on. “Well this takes me back,” Tomax remarked as he saw the Commander’s hologram. “You look like you did on that road trip to Hell a few years ago,” Xamot added. “You know?” “The one where you looked like that insane Dean from Community?” Tomax added. Indeed the Dean from Community sat there. “Hey the man won an Oscar and is a respected actor!” Cobra Commander replied in his usual voice. “I can live with this!” “Unfortunately we have to live with it so…” The Baroness grimaced. “But I have to admit it is an improvement.” “I made one for you too Destro,” Mindbender gave him one. “Why does he need it?” Cobra Commander snapped. “All he has to do is take off his damn mask! I’m bluer than Papa Smurf, have more eyes than the waiting room at an optometrist’s office and have more scales on me than the reptile house at the zoo! I have to wear this getup! He doesn’t!” “Yeah I’ve always wondered about that,” Steve One gave him a look. “Nobody knows what you look like without the mask. You can just go on without it an a change of clothes.” “I wear this mask in respect for my ancestors,” Destro gave him a look. “As lord of McCullen Castle…” “Destro, McCullen Castle is now McCullen Parking Lot!” Cobra Commander interrupted. “And your family is pretty ticked off about that. There’s no real point in you wearing that all the time. Unless you want to be a target.” “You…have a very vailid argument,” Destro sighed. “Now that I think about it, I have never seen your true face,” The Baroness realized. “And we’ve slept together.” “We’ve seen Cobra Commander’s face more than yours,” Mindbender pointed out. “And no offense but you can’t look any worse than he does.” “Even I have to admit that one is true,” Cobra Commander nodded. “Come on Destro! Let’s see it!” “You’re not going to shut up unless I do it aren’t you?” Destro sighed. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 37

“Take it off! Take it off!” The Steves and the Twins cheered. “Take it off! Take it off!” Mindbender and the Baroness added. “What do you think?” Cobra Commander gave him a look. “Take it off! Take it off!” “All right! All right!” Destro worked with the controls of his mask. “I suppose we have worked together so long you might as well get a peek.” “Not to mention dated me!” The Baroness added. “Why do you keep forgetting that?” “I wish we could forget that,” Cobra Commander groaned. The Baroness glared at him. Destro took his mask off. Everyone looked at him. “Oh. That’s what you look like?” Mindbender sounded disappointed. “You don’t even have a scar.” “I didn’t know you had a beard,” The Baroness blinked. “You look like one of the well groomed cousins of those Duck Dynasty people,” Cobra Commander blinked. Destro had short red hair, a well groomed short red beard and mustache with blue eyes. “I’m sorry it’s not as dramatic as you had hoped,” He quipped. “Sorry. It’s just not what I pictured you at all,” The Baroness said. “The red hair and beard I mean.” “You know I’m Scottish,” Destro pointed out. “Quite a lot of Scotts have red hair.” “I just pictured you bald for some reason,” Mindbender shrugged. “Must be because of the mask.” “I thought that too,” Cobra Commander admitted. “Yes well now that you have all had a good look…” Destro let out a sigh and a wave. “Right! All right Cobra! Let’s go out and cause some mayhem!” Cobra Commander clapped his hands together. “What kind of mayhem?” The Baroness asked. “I don’t know. We’ll just ride around up topside in one of the cars we found and see what happens,” Cobra Commander waved. “Well as long as you have a plan…” The Baroness groaned. “I think I shall remain here,” Destro sighed. “Someone has to stay behind and watch the base. And if necessary plan a jail breakout.” “Great! You and I can run the fish shop together!” Steve Two cheered. “Oh…joy,” Destro sighed.

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Chapter 5 Fish On The Side “I’d forgotten about sunburn,” Destro grumbled to himself as he applied some lotion on his face. “Then again since I’ve worn that mask almost all the time for so long…” “Like even in the shower?” Steve Two blinked. Both men were in the fish shack. Steve Two was wearing a blue T shirt and white shorts with flip flops. Destro was wearing a red and white Hawaiian shirt and white shorts with sneakers. “Sometimes,” Destro admitted with a shrug. His face was now red with sunburn. “Dude doesn’t it, you know? Rust?” “Not really. It’s not a normal metal but a special alloy my company used to make,” Destro explained. “And it didn’t hurt?” Steve Two asked. “Not really. It was a little odd when I first put it on decades ago but compared to some of the masks my ancestors endured…” Destro shrugged. “So why do you wear it again?” Steve Two blinked. “Ever hear of the story ‘The Man In The Iron Mask’?” Destro sighed. “Let’s just say my direct ancestor was the inspiration for that story.” “You mean the one with Leonitus De Capricorn? That was a good movie,” Steve Two said. “So wait…Your ancestor was a rich prince who had an evil twin or something?” “More like a Scottish lord wrongly accused of witchcraft,” Destro said. “Of course BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 39

his real crime was supplying weapons to the Scottish rebels and he got caught. But he was too politically powerful to be killed so the king forced him to wear an iron mask for the rest of his days.” “Dude that’s way harsh…” Steve Two whistled. “It wasn’t so bad. After a year my ancestor broke out of prison and found a good locksmith,” Destro said. “But by then he got used to it so he made it able to put on the mask whenever he wanted. Then his sons and daughter decided to wear the mask to show their allegiance to their father and defiance to the king. And the tradition went on from there.” “Oh cool,” Steve Two nodded. He looked outside. From the shack they had a good view of the beach. “Beautiful day bro…” “Too bad it’s marred by being stuck here,” Destro sighed. “Then again I suppose staying in a fish shack is better than whatever mayhem Cobra Commander is up to. God how I’ve fallen. I used to be the head of my own multi-billion dollar corporation and now look where I am. Selling fish out of a shack.” “I hear ya, man,” Steve Two sighed. “I know exactly how you feel.” “Do you?” Destro raised an eyebrow. “Oh yeah. You think I always hung out here selling fish with pot stuffed in ‘em?” Steve Two asked. “The pot is inside the fish?” Destro looked at one of the fish. “That explains the smell…” “Pretty clever right?” Steve Two smiled. “Basically this is a pot store that sells fish on the side? Well I’ve heard of weirder ventures…” Destro sighed. “There was a time where I owned my own business. Before this one I mean. Yeah I was a real big shot back then. Had a big store and everything. Even owned a suit,” Steve Two sighed. “And what business is that?” “I owned my own surfboard shop,” Steve Two sighed. “Had my own patented surfboard wax too that the bros loved. I was raking in the dough and king of the world. Until the scandal broke…That’s when it all went downhill.” “Scandal? What scandal? Did you steal money?” Destro was intrigued. “Was it the pot?” “Nah those things didn’t matter,” Steve Two waved. “I tell ya the surfboard and surfboard wax business got really cutthroat. Bunch of the big surfboard and surf wax corporations tried to muscle me out. They must have had one of their spies lurking around my shop or something. Only way I can figure out how they knew.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 40

“Knew what? What did you do that ruined your business?” “It’s what I didn’t do. I…” Steve Two sighed. “I don’t know how to surf.” “I see…” Destro said. “It’s not that I didn’t try to learn how to surf I just can’t do it!” Steve Two said. “Got this inner ear thing that makes it hard for me to balance. As you can imagine nobody wants to buy surfing gear from a guy who can’t surf. So I had no choice but to torch the place down for insurance and move on to something else.” “You actually thought of that?” Destro was surprised. “No technically I only thought of the insurance part….” Steve Two sighed. “After my ex-girlfriend burned my shop down. We kind of had this big fight about me having a date with her best friend and it kind of got out of hand.” “I’ve been there,” Destro admitted. “And I have the burn scars to prove it.” “So I went to another town where my buddy got me this job in insurance and was able to well…let’s just say change a few dates around so I could get some money from my old shack,” Steve Two went on. “It was a bummer to wear a tie and stuff but it paid the bills for about a year.” “I see.” “For a while it looked like I was gonna be okay then…” Steve Two sighed. “Then I made a real bonehead move. I hooked up with my manager’s wife. He was not a happy camper. Here’s a tip, if you ever have an affair in your boss’ office make sure the door is locked. And there aren’t any cameras in the room.” “Surprisingly I do understand,” Destro blinked. “Okay in my case there were two women and they were part of this sheik’s harem who was a client of mine but the sentiment is the same. And yes I learned the hard way about checking for cameras in a room before having an affair.” “Long story short after that job I did a few other jobs but I kind of screwed up…by screwing around with the wrong people,” Steve Two admitted. “So I moved to this island. The only reason I opened up this place was I figured it was one of the last places my ex-girlfriends would look for me.” “Again, I get it,” Destro admitted. “God knows I had to come up with some odd hideouts to escape from the Baroness.” “Huh. You know dude, you and I are a lot alike,” Steve Two remarked. “Maybe it’s like fate that we’re working together.” “While I admit there are some similarities in our lives I hardly believe fate had a hand in our temporary partnership,” Destro sighed. “And as for fate I tend to reserve that for the actions of man. In particular one man, Cobra Commander!” “Hey you know something dude?” Steve Two whispered. “Between you and me…I BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 41

think there’s something weird about Cobra Commander.” “How very astute of you Steve Two,” Destro drawled. A man with a long brown beard, blue T-Shirt, jean shorts, flip flops and scraggly hair walked up. “I’d like my tuna surprise please.” “Oh yeah here ya go Ray,” Steve Two handed him a fish wrapped in brown paper. “One tuna surprise coming right up.” “Let me guess,” Destro remarked. “The surprise is what’s inside the tuna?” “No man,” Ray gave Destro a look. “The surprise is that it’s a snapper.” “Of course,” Destro groaned. “Who’s the new guy?” Ray pointed to Destro. “Friend of mine. Going through a rough patch. You know how it is,” Steve Two shrugged. “Ten bucks.” “Pretty cheap for marijuana don’t you think?” Destro asked. “You sell pot here? Since when?” Ray did a double take. “Ray is one of my few real fish customers,” Steve Two winced. “I guess I should have told you.” “Yeah you should have told me!” Ray spoke up. “I want some of that too!” “I can’t believe this is my life,” Destro moaned. “Hey yo! What’s this?” Destro looked and saw five old men in colorful Italian shirts and shorts walking up to them. “Hey punk! This is Big Louie’s turf! Didn’t I warn you before about selling weed in my territory! And you taking one of my customers?” A bald man with hair coming out of his ears snapped. “Hey man he was just selling me fish! I didn’t know about the pot until just now,” Ray defended. “Hey nobody sells on Big Louie’s turf without Big Louie’s permission!” Big Louie snapped. “Since when is this your turf?” “What the…?” Destro did a double take as some more old men walked in. Or in the case of their leader rode in on a mobile scooter. “This is one of my guys! He pays me good protection!” The old man on a motor scooter snarled. “You got no business here Louie!” “Listen Wheels,” Big Louie snapped. “I’m in charge of this whole freaking island!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 42

“Yeah right! My nephew is the chief of police you numb nut,” Wheels wheezed. “Which means I’m in charge!” “He don’t even like you!” Another old man from Big Louie’s called out. “Calls you a cheapskate!” “That’s because he’s a punk who thinks he knows it all and is always looking for money!” Wheels snapped. “The point is that you are on my turf and unless you want a knuckle sandwich you better scram!” “And who’s gonna make me?” Big Louie snarled. “I’m gonna make you!” Wheels snapped. “Is there a real cartel on this island or…?” Destro whispered to Steve Two. “Not exactly,” Steve Two explained. “This is the island where the old timers that survive the cartels come. The guys who run the cartels let this place alone so their uncles and grandpas can duke it out.” “I see…” Destro sighed. “You wanna rumble like the old days Louie?” Wheels snarled. “I’ll run you over!” “Aren’t you gonna be late for the early bird special Wheels?” Big Louie snarled. “I know how you like to eat!” “I got plenty of time before the four o’clock seating at the casino buffet!” Wheels snapped. “I forgot about the casino,” Destro remembered. “The twins own the casino which means…Why am I here?” “Good question! I’d better go!” Ray ran for his life. “You wanna rumble fool? I’ll rumble!” Big Louie snarled. “Just let me get my teeth in and I’ll bite your ear off!” “Seriously I could have been sitting in an air conditioned casino all day instead of a hot illegal bait shop smelling like stoned fish!” Destro groaned. “I hate my life!” “You’re going down Big Louie!” Wheels revved up his scooter. “You’re going down clown!” Big Louie shouted as his men brandished canes and pistols. “All right I think I am going to cut this short,” Destro sighed as he pulled a small laser blaster from his pocket. “Geeze! Louie! He’s packing heat!” One of the older men yelled. “Where’s my bullets?” Some of the elderly men were pretty spry and started to shoot back. “It’s a three way BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 43

turf war!” Someone yelled. “OW! MY HIP!” “You got shot in the hip George?” Another old man called out. “No, I threw my hip out! OWWW! MEDIC ALERT! MEDIC ALERT!” “Good thing I got a gun from my cousin Jack for Christmas!” Steve Two said cheerfully as he pulled out a gun from under the counter. “I always wanted to use this thing! Whoo hoo!” “Just how I wanted to spend my afternoon,” Destro groaned. “Dealing with cranky customers and having a turf war. Now that I think about it, this is exactly like the old days!”

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Chapter 6 We Missed Happy Hour “How long is it going to take Mindbender and Steve One to do this anyway?” Cobra Commander grumbled as he sat in the passenger side of the front of the van. He was wearing his human hologram. “Hopefully not long,” The Baroness sighed. She was wearing a trench coat over her usual uniform. “How long does it take to rob a laundromat?” Cobra Commander hissed. “Especially when the owner of the laundromat is in on it?” “Technically it’s not the owner,” The Baroness corrected. “It’s the manager that’s related to the owner. I forget how.” “Oh God, I hope Mindbender isn’t….” Xamot began. He and his brother were also wearing trench coats. “Don’t put that image in my head!” Tomax hissed. “Too late…” “It’s there…” Xamot finished. Both twins shuddered in horror. “What? What do you…?” Cobra Commander began. “Oh no wait. Now I know what you’re talking about!” “What are you talking about?” The Baroness asked. “Why did you mention that?” Cobra Commander snapped at the twins. “Now I’m not going to be able to take a nap in the car if I have to! Too many nightmares!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 45

“What nightmares?” The Baroness snapped. “The nightmares about Mindbender having sex with…” Xamot rolled his eyes. Everyone in the car yelled in protest. “Well someone had to say it!” “You’re just Mr. Tactful as always aren’t you brother?” Tomax groaned. “Oh for crying out loud are you bringing up the Deber Contract again?” Xamot gave him a look. “I thought you were over that!” “Oh yes I’m over losing a ten million dollar deal over the fact that you couldn’t keep your mouth shut for ten minutes!” Tomax glared at his brother. “Again, there was no way I could have known that the blonde we had sex with in the elevator twenty minutes ago was his wife!” Xamot snapped. “The fact that she had the same last name as him should have been a clue!” Tomax snarled. “I didn’t know! I’m not the one who spoke to her!” “You were in the same elevator as me! You should have overheard…” “Oh great…” The Baroness groaned. “I hate when they fight.” “The only thing more annoying than those two when they are in synch is when they are out of synch,” Cobra Commander agreed. “They’re going to be in a mood all day…” “And that is why we both agreed to never wear noise cancelling headphones while on a tryst again!” Xamot finished. “Although we could have used them back at that gun show in 86.” “Oh and that’s my fault?” Tomax glared at his brother. “If you two don’t shut up I’m kicking you out of this car and onto the freeway!” Cobra Commander snapped. “We’re back!” Mindbender said cheerfully as he returned to the van with Steve One and some huge sacks. Both were wearing black turtlenecks and jeans with boots. “Finally! What were you doing in there for over an hour?” Cobra Commander snapped. “On second thought don’t answer that.” “We got over a hundred and twenty five dollars in change,” Mindbender went on. “Plus the five hundred dollars we made selling the laundry detergent we stole on the black market. Not to mention some new socks I desperately needed and a nice…” “Wait, wait back up a second,” Cobra Commander interrupted. “What’s this about the five hundred dollars?” “Oh well it was a thousand from the dealer but I had to split it with the manager so…” Mindbender explained. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 46

“Are you telling me there is a black market out there for laundry detergent?” The Baroness was stunned. “Who runs it? Mr. Clean?” “Of course there is. Have you seen the prices for detergent at the grocery stores? It’s outrageous!” Mindbender said. “And people call us criminals!” “So you made more money stealing laundry detergent…?” Xamot blinked. “Then actually stealing money?” Tomax blinked. “Just when I think the human race can’t get any dumber or more insane…” Cobra Commander groaned. “Okay let’s get out of here.” “To where? That was the only thing I had to do,” Mindbender asked. “Well there has to be some mayhem Cobra can do on the mainland!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Everyone think!” “There’s a museum of dishtowels in the next town we can burn down!” Steve One said cheerfully. “How do you even know that?” Tomax asked. “We had a talk about it with the manager at the laundromat,” Steve One said. “Apparently he’s in some kind of feud with the caretaker.” “Why not?” Cobra Commander asked. “We’ve blown up other crappy museums. Might as well destroy another one.” “Maybe the laundry manager will give us a discount the next time we rob this store?” The Baroness groaned as she drove off. “Turn the radio on,” Steve One said. “Sure all we need is music to terrorize people by,” The Baroness sighed as she did so. “Maybe the music will shut you all up?” “Oh this is my jam! I love this song!” Cobra Commander turned up the volume. “Everybody wants to rule the world…” “Great,” Tomax rolled his eyes. “He’s going to be in a mood all day,” Xamot agreed. An hour later…. “Where the hell is this museum anyway?” The Baroness groaned. “It doesn’t matter,” Cobra Commander grumbled. “We’re at least an hour away from anything thanks to all this traffic!” “Just be patient. It can’t last much…” The Baroness took a whiff. “What’s that smell?” “It’s not me,” Mindbender frowned. “For once.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 47

“It’s the truck in front of us!” Cobra Commander grumbled. “See the smoke coming out of a barely functioning muffler?” “Great and people complain about big companies poisoning the air,” Steve One winced. “Just relax and it will be over soon…” The Baroness sighed. Fifteen minutes later…. “I HATE TRAFFIC!” Cobra Commander yelled. “I’m hungry,” Steve One said. “I could eat,” Mindbender said. “You could eat?” “I want to eat something besides the smoke from the stupid truck in front of us!” Cobra Commander hissed. “Stop shoving me!” Xamot hissed at his brother. “You stop shoving me!” Tomax shoved his brother. “IF YOU MANIACS DON’T STOP RIGHT NOW I WILL TURN THIS VAN AROUND AND WE WILL GO BACK TO THE SEAPORT AND THEN BACK TO THE ISLAND!” The Baroness yelled. “DO YOU WANT THAT TO HAPPEN?” “YES!” The twins said as one. “That would teach us a lesson,” Tomax added. “Only way we’ll learn,” Xamot added. “Nice try you twits!” Cobra Commander hissed. “But I’m going to destroy something today so…” “Besides our will to live?” The Baroness remarked. “You have definitely been hanging around Destro too much,” Cobra Commander pointed out. “I know!” Mindbender said cheerfully. “How about we play a game to pass the time?” “Fine,” Cobra Commander said icily. “Let’s play ‘How Much is Mindbender An Annoying Pratt’?” “He’s a psychopathic loser who would creep out Norman Bates,” The Baroness groaned. “Whoa. Good one right out of the gate,” Cobra Commander realized. “Eh I’ve had that one waiting for quite some time,” The Baroness said. “How about this? Mindbender is the most annoyingly cheerful…” Xamot began. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 48

“Medical miscreant since Dr. Frankenstein decided to stitch together some body parts to see what would happen,” Tomax finished. “At least I’m trying to do something positive!” Mindbender snapped. “It’s not like you twin twerp tightwads! Hording your money and secret bases!” “Oh yeah I forgot I hate the Crimson Twins more,” Cobra Commander glared at the twins. “Okay new game. What About the Twins Annoy Me the Most?” “Ooh! I’ve got one!” Steve One called out. “They’re cheap!” “They’re arrogant,” Mindbender glared at the twins. “Corsican Twits,” The Baroness added. “Another good one! And it works on so many levels!” Cobra Commander was impressed. “Right? I’m amazed I didn’t think of that sooner,” The Baroness nodded. “Oh yeah the whole they can feel each other’s pain thing like that Cheech and Chong movie,” Steve One agreed. “Don’t pick on us!” Xamot hissed. “Pick on Mindbender!” Tomax added. “At least…” “We don’t date our own experiments!” Xamot finished. “At least none of my experiments slash dates stole millions of dollars from me!” Mindbender snapped. “Okay they ate a few assistants but still…” “He has a point boys,” The Baroness sighed. “You do deserve it more than he does.” “Not much more but more,” Cobra Commander said. “Hey look there’s the exit!” Steve One pointed. “Go! Go! Go!” The Twins shouted. “Shut up or I swear to God I will blow your kneecaps off!” The Baroness snapped as she drove. “It’s like dealing with children! Thank God I never had any…” “And God thanks you as well,” Cobra Commander retorted. “You want me to throw you out of this car?” The Baroness snarled. “Shut up and let me drive!” “I’m hungry,” Steve One spoke up. “Who cares?” Cobra Commander shouted. “Just be quiet! We’re almost there!” The Baroness snapped. “So what’s the plan?” “We go in, set an overpriced dishtowel on fire. We get out. That’s it!” Cobra ComBD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 49

mander said. “It’s not rocket science people!” “No, just one of your normal well thought out plans,” Tomax sneered. “You two are so close to getting a taster right in your…” Cobra Commander snarled. He started to cough. “Are we still behind that stupid truck?” “No we left it when we got off the highway,” The Baroness sniffed. “But I still smell smoke.” “So do I,” Xamot said. “Oh crap the car isn’t on fire is it?” Cobra Commander looked around. “No, but that is!” Steve One pointed. “Oh great!” The Baroness groaned when she saw what was in front of her. “What are the odds that we go off to burn down a building only to find out that it’s already on fire?” “With this group, pretty good,” Mindbender sighed. “No wonder there’s so much traffic,” Steve One remarked. “Oh this is just stupid…” Cobra Commander hissed. “That pretty much sums up my entire life,” The Baroness groaned. A few more hours later… “Well that was a colossal waste of time!” Cobra Commander snapped as he entered the rec room in the base. His hologram was off and the Cobras had shed their disguises for their usual uniforms. “It was one of your plans,” Xamot pointed out. “Shut up!” Cobra Commander hissed. “Well it couldn’t have been too bad,” Destro remarked from where he was sitting. He was wearing his usual mask and uniform and was looking at a data pad. “You’re all here and not in jail. I don’t see any broken bones and no one has been set on fire.” “Not yet,” The Baroness glared at the others. “Do I want to know what mayhem you caused?” Destro asked in a tired voice. “What mayhem? We drove around all day stuck in traffic and the one place we were going to burn down was already on fire!” Cobra Commander threw up his hands. “Don’t forget my laundromat deal!” Mindbender spoke up. “And I got some new socks!” “Oh Hooray for new socks!” Cobra Commander said in a sarcastic tone. “Let’s all rejoice that Mindbender’s feet are covered!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 50

“Actually I’m happy any part of his body is covered,” The Baroness sighed. “So what did you do, Destro?” “Nothing much,” Destro shrugged. “Sold some fish filled with pot. Then got involved in a minor drug turf war. We won by the way.” “I see,” Cobra Commander remarked. “I convinced Steve Two to move his growing operation to one of the unused labs down here,” Destro went on. “While he was transferring his equipment I made a quick check to see if the police department on this island was taking bribes from the old dealers. They were. We now have protection.” “What happened to the old dealers?” Mindbender asked. “They either died in the shootout or just fled,” Destro waved. “Two had heart attacks. One broke his hip. Another’s scooter short circuited by a bullet and zoomed off into the ocean where he got eaten by some sharks. Long story short we are now the main suppliers of weed on this island.” “We are?” Cobra Commander asked. “Well technically there are three other growers but I talked to them and they agreed to work on their local farms for our benefit,” Destro waved. “They were surprisingly reasonable. All I had to do was offer them protection and give them some alcohol. It helped that they were all drunk hippies so…” “Well somebody had a productive day,” Cobra Commander blinked. “I’m glad someone did,” Tomax grumbled. “That reminds me,” Destro picked up a pad. “I also had time to skim the financial reports of that casino the twins own. On this island…” “Oh you remembered about that?” Xamot gulped. “You mean we could have sat around in a casino all day instead of being stuck in traffic?” Mindbender snapped. “I don’t believe it! I bet we missed happy hour!” Cobra Commander snapped. “I know. I felt the same way when I realized it too,” Destro rolled his eyes. “Anyway as I was saying I checked out the finances and last year the casino made a tidy profit.” “How tidy are we talking about?” The Baroness asked. “Sixty three million dollars,” Destro shrugged. “Would have been more but there were taxes so…” “SIXTY THREE MILLION DOLLARS AND YOU HAD US SCROUNGING AROUND IN A WOMEN’S BATHROOM FOR MONEY?” Cobra Commander yelled at the Crimson Twins. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 51

“Forget that! We were practically homeless for nearly two years!” Destro pointed out. “Right that’s even worse!” Cobra Commander glared at the twins. “Somebody’s gonna get it…” Steve One chuckled. “Shut up Steve!” Xamot and Tomax glared at their former minion. “Do you realize what this means?” The Baroness said. “We can pay for toilet paper instead of stealing it?” Mindbender remarked. “Actually I find that rather relaxing,” Cobra Commander shrugged. Then he glared at the twins. “In means that all these years the Twins have been holding out on us and that Cobra is no longer broke!” “Sir, permission to taser the twins until they pass out!” Steve One saluted. “Permission granted!” Cobra Commander snarled. “Oh I want to get in on this,” Mindbender cackled as he pulled out a small taser. “You keep a taser handy?” Destro asked. “For emergencies,” Mindbender shrugged. “It’s very handy in my line of work.” “I see…” Destro nodded. “Actually it was also handy in my old line of work,” Mindbender went on. “When I was a dentist and had some particularly stubborn patients.” “I’m going to stop you right there and just let you get on with the tasing,” Destro held up his hand. “Yeah the twins should be the ones in pain instead of us!” Cobra Commander pointed to the twins. “Go get ‘em!” “AAAAAHHH! NOT AGAIN!” The twins yelled as they ran from a cackling Mindbender and a gleeful set of Steves. “So to recap, once again Cobra has a base of operations…” Destro counted off. “Some decent financial funds and contacts…” “YEEWOWWWWWWW!” “And the walls are echoing with the sounds of the Corsican Twits’ misery,” The Baroness grinned. “You know what this means right?” “WE’RE BACK BABY!” Cobra Commander laughed. “HA HA HA HA HA!”

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Chapter 7 Three Lizards And A Panda “Now this is how a terrorist organization should be run!” Cobra Commander cackled as he spread his arms wide. All around him were people in Cobra uniforms working and making deals on telephones in a large office. “I couldn’t believe how many people we were able to get to join Cobra,” The Baroness agreed. “I guess the economy is worse than we thought.” “It really says something when a terrorist organization can employ more people than the so called legal corporations,” Cobra Commander huffed. “Yes it has been a long time since Cobra has been this busy,” Destro nodded as he followed Cobra Commander into a large conference room. “For once I think we might actually have a productive meeting,” The Baroness agreed as the head Cobras all sat down at a large table in the conference room. “You know there was a time I thought I’d never see the light at the end of the tunnel,” Destro admitted. “But finally Cobra has triumphed!” “Or at the very least is out of the red,” Mindbender nodded. “I admit I had my doubts too,” Cobra Commander said. “But Cobra has been tested…” “In ways we couldn’t even imagine,” Destro groaned. “And we’ve come out stronger and more resolved than ever!” Cobra Commander finished. “Now let’s get this meeting underway. Let’s start with you Mindbender. I take BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 53

it that you are no longer stealing from laundromats?” “No, and I have finally gotten up a proper laboratory with real assistants!” Mindbender grinned. “My diamond creation machine has been built and is no longer a converted E-Z bake oven and soon more money will roll in. We are already working on several real viable scientific projects that will increase Cobra’s power!” “Excellent!” Cobra Commander beamed. “And uh by the way,” Mindbender coughed. “If anyone happens to see a giant lizard roaming the hallways or the air ducts please give my lab a call.” “You mutated a lizard and it got loose again?” The Baroness snapped. “Uh technically I mutated three lizards and a panda,” Mindbender shrugged. “But only two of the lizards got out.” “Oh great this is going to be like the company luau in 86!” The Baroness groaned. “Where did you get a panda?” Destro asked Mindbender. “I had some panda DNA in storage and cloned it,” Mindbender waved. “And added a few extras. Oh and another FYI, if you see a talking panda about six feet tall walking around Cobra Commander you are not having delusions.” “Thanks for the head’s up,” Cobra Commander said sarcastically. “Now let’s go on to something a little less dangerous with our head of our business organization. Steve One! Which by the way Steve One you should really come up with a new codename…” “I’ve been working on that all morning,” Steve One said wearing a blue business suit. “How’s this…The Capitalist!” “Uh…too Cold War era,” The Baroness blinked. “Yeah it’s kind of dated,” Mindbender agreed. “Okay that’s fine, I’ve got a few others,” Steve One said. “How about…Collateral Damage? Huh? That’s a good one huh?” “Ehhh…” Cobra Commander made a shaky motion with his hand. “I get what you’re going for but…” “Why is our former lackey in charge of the business division of Cobra?” Tomax snapped. “Finances are our job!” Xamot agreed. “It was your job,” The Baroness glared at him. “And look what happened!” “After what you two tightwad twerps did to us?” Cobra Commander hissed. “You’re lucky we don’t make you janitors!” “Your job is security. Deal with it,” Destro glared at the twins. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 54

“I’ve got it!” Steve One spoke up. “Zero Fund! You could call me Zero for short! It’s perfect! It’s secretive! It’s edgy…” “It describes the amount of brain cells in your head,” Xamot folded his arms. “Good one,” Tomax smirked. “You know what? I do like that,” Cobra Commander glared at the twins. “All right as of now Steve One shall be called Zero. Or Zero Fund. Whichever. Makes things a lot easier. Zero Fund report!” “Oh…All I did today was try to figure out my name,” Zero blinked. “An apt name if there ever was one,” Tomax rolled his eyes. “Hey! It’s not like I didn’t make sure everything was working before I started you know?” Zero snapped. “I had to get the new accountants settled in. I had to get all the business stuff going…I even had to finish the company newsletter and get it printed on time! That paper doesn’t print itself you know?” “Okay we’re just shortening your name to Zero,” Cobra Commander sighed. “To avoid confusion here.” “Plus I had to finish writing that contract with that new porno agency and start getting things set up for when they move in!” Zero said. “I had to get them set up in a nice studio, and lights and…” “Wait now we’re working with the Porn Industry?” Destro did a double take. “Uh yeah,” Zero rolled his eyes. “Haven’t you been reading the papers? It’s too expensive to film out in LA anymore! Plus there’s tons of new regulations and stuff that are killing the business in that town! That’s why this island is perfect for Sex-A-Tron Productions! Low overhead, fewer regulations, condoms are optional…Just have a few doctor checkups every now and then to make sure the actors don’t have any diseases and voila!” “That is disgusting even by Cobra standards!” Xamot snarled. “Which admittedly are extremely low!” Tomax nodded. “Now hang on,” Cobra Commander waved. “Maybe Zero is onto something?” “It is a lucrative source of revenue,” Destro nodded. “There is a market and like it or not Cobra can fufill it,” Mindbender agreed. “I’ve already made the deal and signed the contracts,” Zero nodded. “The first production meeting is next week and we’ve got some decent talent lined up.” “Now when you say talent…” Cobra Commander looked at him. “Actresses yes,” Zero nodded. “Oh and yes Cobra Commander I’ve arranged for you and I to meet them and have a say in uh, recruiting talent.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 55

“Zero Fund…You’re the smartest hire I’ve ever made!” Cobra Commander chuckled. Then he looked around the room. “Then again it’s not like the bar was raised very high.” “Now wait a minute!” Xamot and Tomax yelled. “You can’t be serious!” Xamot snapped. “This has to be unanimous!” Tomax agreed. “Baroness…” “Don’t tell me you of all people are going to go along with this!” Xamot finished. “Well it wouldn’t be the first time Cobra has employed whores,” The Baroness gave them a look. “But at least these ones will be filling Cobra’s coffers instead of stealing them blind!” “You’re never going to let go of that Deming thing aren’t you?” Tomax groaned. “What do you think?” Destro rolled his eyes. “I warned you years ago about that lying little tramp but did you listen to me? Nooooo!” The Baroness shouted. “As long as the so called ‘actresses’ aren’t underage and willing I have no problem with it!” “Neither do I,” Destro nodded. He looked at Zero. “They’re not into child porn are they?” “Oh no,” Zero nodded. “In fact…let’s just say a lot of their films go…the other direction of the age scale.” “Old porn?” Tomax wrinkled his nose. “Hey don’t knock all of it!” Mindbender snapped. “Lola La Voom is in her seventies but you’d never know it! Rarrr!” “Great we’re going to be hosting the Betty White of the porn world,” Xamot moaned. “Not all of them are going to be in their seventies,” Zero said. “Just a good number of them. That’s where the scouting for new talent comes in…” “So give Zero a break!” Cobra Commander snapped. “He’s coming up with new ideas working his fingers to the bone and all you do is criticize him! The man has a company newspaper to run for crying out loud!” “Wow,” The Baroness blinked. “I think we have the winner of the ‘Fastest Suck Up’ Award at this table.” “Just because Zero is looking after our bottom line doesn’t make him a suck up,” Cobra Commander pointed at her. “Actually I was referring to you…” The Baroness gave him a look. “Perhaps we should press on?” Destro sighed. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 56

“Fine,” Cobra Commander sighed. “Destro, what’s your status on your department? What exactly do you do again?” “Besides being your second in command, doing all your actual work and trying desperately to keep this place from burning to the ground?” Destro gave him a look. “Look I said I was sorry about the fire in your office! It was accidental,” Cobra Commander said. “And obviously trying to put out a wastebasket fire with vodka was a very bad idea! Mea Culpa!” “Well after the little incident…” Destro growled. “I decided to work on some new weapons we can either use or market. Depending on how well they do in testing. Of course I would have gotten more done if it hadn’t been for…” “Again my bad,” Cobra Commander interrupted. “I’m not used to the new phone system. I’m sorry I kept calling you every five minutes. I was trying to get an outside line.” “Obviously,” Destro rolled his eyes. “Commander what have I told you about those party lines?” “It’s not a regular party phone sex thing!” Cobra Commander said. “It’s a specific one for villains! Rescindar gave it to me before we left Australia.” “Who’s Rescindar?” Zero asked. “It’s a long story that I don’t want to go into…” Destro sighed. “Nobody wants to go into that story,” Cobra Commander agreed. “Baroness why don’t you give your report?” “Marketing is all set up as well as some possible targets for espionage,” The Baroness folded her arms. “Human Resources are in full swing. And Vapor has the pot greenhouse up and running as well as today’s shipment sent out to our distributors.” “Who’s Vapor?” Tomax asked in a confused tone. “That’s Steve Two’s codename!” Zero snapped. “It’s in the newsletter!” “Wait didn’t we already have a Vapor?” Xamot asked. “Yes, but he died years ago,” The Baroness gave him a look. “Remember?” “Was he the one who crashed his plane into that mountain while…?” Tomax remembered. “Yes,” The Baroness sighed. “And I always thought texting while driving was dangerous,” Xamot winced. “He died because he was texting while flying?” Zero asked. “No, this was before texting,” Cobra Commander groaned. “Let’s just say Vapor had a habit of bringing other toys into his fighter jet and using them while flying!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 57

“We’re not talking action figures are we?” Zero blinked. “No!” Everyone groaned at the same time. “By the way please don’t tell the new Vapor how the old Vapor died!” Cobra Commander spoke up. “Don’t want to give him ideas. Well I think this has been a productive meeting. For once everything is going Cobra’s way and nothing can stop us!” “Don’t say that Cobra Commander,” Destro groaned. “Don’t tempt the universe.” “What do you mean?” Cobra Commander asked. “Cobra hasn’t been doing this well in years! What could possibly happen to wreck it?” Just then an alarm went off. “Sir! We have a situation in the underground hangar bay!” A soldier’s voice came over the intercom. “We have an underground hangar bay?” Cobra Commander did a double take. “I knew about the underground garage and dock but…” “You really should take an inventory of the resources this base has…” Destro groaned. “Oh something to put in my newsletter!” Zero said cheerfully. “Fine! Put a map of the entire base in it!” Cobra Commander waved. “I don’t care! Just who the hell is…?” They went to the computer at the other end of the room. The Baroness turned on the security footage. “Hey! Let us in you toffs!” Buzzer was shown shouting at some Cobra soldiers. “Oi! Zartan you said this dump would be deserted!” Torch in his old outfit, hairstyle and beard was shown. “Oh crap,” Cobra Commander groaned. “You had to open your big mouth didn’t you?” Destro glared at Cobra Commander.

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Chapter 8 Above Vapor But Below Zero “How did those dimwit Dreadnoks find this base?” Cobra Commander stormed to the underground hangar with the rest of the Cobra High command. “They must have remembered from the time they were here before,” Zero shrugged. “WHAT? Did everyone know about this secret base but me?” Cobra Commander screamed, his voice getting louder. “I didn’t know,” Mindbender grumbled. “You don’t count!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Speaking of things that don’t count,” Destro remarked. “Or perform any other mathematic equations…What are we going to do about the Dreadnoks? I suggest blowing them up and feeding what’s left of them to Mindbender’s lizards.” “Uh Destro not a good idea to give giant mutated lizards a taste for human flesh,” Mindbender winced. “Trust me I know that from experience.” “Okay how about just blow them up?” Destro asked. “Shouldn’t we torture them first?” Zero asked. “I’m with Zero!” Destro agreed. “Sounds like a plan to me,” The Baroness agreed. “I’ll get the battery cables,” Mindbender spoke up. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 59

“Let me handle this!” Cobra Commander hisses as they made their way into the hangar. “As usual!” “When do you ever handle anything?” The Baroness challenged. “So much for this base being abandoned,” Zarana was heard grumbling as the Cobras confronted the Dreadnoks with drawn weapons. “I told you even Snake Face would figure out the Twins had this place on the side,” Buzzer hissed to Zartan. “Shut up Buzzer!” Zartan snapped. He then put on his most charming smile. “Greetings Cobra Commander. It’s good to see you.” “Really? Too bad we can’t say the same for you!” The Baroness spoke up. “In fact we were hoping to never smell your stench of stupidity and failure again!” “Charming as ever Baroness,” Zartan rolled his eyes. “I was speaking to Cobra Commander.” “Yeah but she’s right,” Cobra Commander snarled. “So what happened Zartan? As if I didn’t know!” “Everyone in the entire world knows now,” Destro purred with a tone of a cat that was about to eat a huge canary. “Let me guess, you’re crawling back to Cobra because you’re on the run and no one else will hire you?” “That’s pretty much it, yeah,” Torch shrugged. “Shut up!” Zartan hissed. “It’s your stupidity that got us into this mess in the first place!” “Oh yeah it’s all on me,” Torch grumbled. “I’m not the one who blew the Hendrickson deal.” “Shut up!” Zartan snapped. “Torch does have a point Zartan,” Donald, Road Pig’s alter ego spoke up. “Y-You d-did drop the b-ball on that one,” Road Pig added. “What was the Hendrickson deal?” Mindbender blinked. “That’s not important now,” Zartan spoke up before anyone else could. “The important thing is that we’ve learned the error of our ways and want to return to Cobra.” “Like we’d want you!” The Baroness hissed. “Why the hell should we let you degenerate traitors back into Cobra?” Cobra Commander hissed. “You abandoned us and jumped ship to run with those traitors from Mongoose Incorporated!” “To be fair they offered us a lot of money for doing so,” Monkeywrench spoke up. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 60

“Yeah we’re only human,” Torch agreed. “That’s only a theory,” Destro raised an eyebrow. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t blow you all up into tiny bits and feed your bodies to the sharks!” Cobra Commander hissed. “How about fifty million reasons?” Zarana casually pulled out a suitcase filled with cash and showed it to them. “Welcome back,” Cobra Commander replied. “NOW HOLD ON JUST A MINUTE!” Destro yelled. “After all those traitors have done to us you’re just going to let these freaks waltz back in here as if nothing had happened?” “This is about your stupid castle isn’t it?” Torch moaned. “Dude that place was a money pit! I had to burn it down! It was the only way to get the insurance money and make a profit on it! And even then I still took a loss!” “Seriously, Torch did you a favor,” Buzzer added. “That dump made the Dreadnok’s lair look like the freaking palace of Versailles,” Monkeywrench agreed. “I still have a bump on my head from where a brick fell from the wall on it!” Ripper pointed to his head. “He does!” Torch nodded. “And I had to get a stupid tetanus shot because I stepped on a rusted nail that was like over four hundred years old!” “Not to mention there was so much dust in that place it was murder on my sinuses,” Ripper grumbled. “It’s true,” Torch pointed. “Ripper nearly died!” “Nearly isn’t good enough,” Destro grumbled. “Look Cobra needs us…” Zartan began. “Like we need an audit from the IRS,” Zero added. “Good one Zero,” Destro smirked. “Wait who’s Zero?” Torch was confused. “Oh right. This is Zero Finance, our new head of Business,” Cobra Commander introduced. “Zero for short. Zero, I believe you remember the Dreadnoks?” “Too well,” Zero folded his arms. “What did we do to you…?” Zartan sighed in a resigned tone. “You put me in the hospital with a broken foot and a concussion,” Zero glared at him. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 61

“Well your Dreadnoks did.” “To be fair we do that to a lot of people,” Ripper spoke up. “Yeah if we remembered everyone whose bones we broke we’d…well let’s just say it is a very long list and leave it at that,” Torch agreed. “Hold on a second,” Zandar frowned. “I thought the Crimson Twins were in charge of finance?” “Not anymore,” The Baroness shrugged. “We had some management restructuring.” “So we don’t need them!” Destro snarled at the Dreadnoks. “Except maybe as giant lizard food.” “I keep telling you,” Mindbender rolled his eyes. “Not a good thing to make your mutant lizards crave human meat!” “Yes but since the Dreadnoks are barely human to begin with…” Destro began. “Come on man,” Zero said. “Why poison those giant lizards? They didn’t do anything to deserve it.” “Not yet anyway,” Mindbender shrugged. “I’m just saying it doesn’t make sense to bring back individuals who not only were partially responsible for crippling Cobra,” Destro went on. “But severely damaged another organization as well.” “Two actually,” Torch spoke up. “There was a little incident at a friend of mine’s secret drug smuggling operation hidden in a dishtowel museum on the mainland a few days ago,” Monkeywrench spoke up. “THAT WAS YOU?” Cobra Commander yelled. “I should have known!” “Yeah but this time I wasn’t the one responsible for setting that building on fire,” Torch said. “For once. Right Zanzibar?” “Zanzibar?” The Baroness noticed the Dreadnok pirate hiding behind the others. “WHAT IS THAT LOSER DOING HERE?!” “Don’t let her hit me again!” Zanzibar gulped. “Long story short, his crew dumped him for jobs at Mongoose Incorporated,” Zarana groaned. “When they kicked us out, they took over our jobs!” “And now we’re stuck with him,” Zartan groaned. “Well we are not stuck with you!” Destro pointed. “Cobra Commander you can’t allow these incompetent degenerates to return to Cobra!” “If you think about it we helped you by taking out the competition at Mongoose Incorporated,” Ripper suggested. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 62

“Like nobody could figure out that was going to happen!” The Baroness rolled her eyes. “And you didn’t take out Mongoose Incorporated! You just got yourselves and Deming fired! Which I admit that last part is pretty amusing but still…” “How about this? We let the Dreadnoks come back…” Zero thought. “But Destro will be in charge of them!” “WHAT?” Zartan shouted. “You have got to be bloody kidding me!” Zarana yelled. “Not that wanker!” Torch agreed. “Hold on a second!” Destro yelled. “I don’t want to be responsible for the Dreadnoks! I’d sooner be in charge of the monkey cage at the zoo than these animals!” “And there is no way I will take orders from a chromed creep like Destro!” Zartan snapped. “You will if you want to stay in Cobra!” Zero snapped. He turned to Destro. “And I didn’t say you would be responsible for the Dreadnoks, Destro. I said you’d be in charge of them. More accurately, when they screw up you get to charge them with a taser. Or anything else that conducts electricity.” “Oh,” Destro blinked. “Well that’s all right then.” “WHAT?” Zartan yelled. “Take it or leave it Zartan,” The Baroness folded her arms and smirked. “Are we still above Mindbender?” Buzzer asked. “No, but then again neither are the Crimson Twins,” Cobra Commander shrugged. “So here’s the new system. First there’s me at the top, then Destro and the Baroness, Zero, Vapor…” “Who the hell is Vapor?” Zartan called out. “Isn’t he dead?” Ripper was confused. “I thought he was dead.” “We have a new one,” The Baroness explained. “Is this new Vapor as much a pervert as the old one?” Torch asked. “Because if he is there is no way I am hanging out with that bloke!” “And for Torch to call someone a pervert you know that’s bad,” Zandar spoke up. “Mindbender is next,” Cobra Commander pressed on. “The Crimson Twins, then you Dreadnoks!” “Hold on!” Mindbender spoke up. “How can Vapor be above me? His green house is in one of my labs!” “Okay fine you can be above Vapor but under Zero,” Cobra Commander sighed. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 63

“Wait shouldn’t that be equal to me?” Zero spoke up. “Because technically we are the heads of our own departments?” “I know Zero funds my department but…” Mindbender spoke up. “But Mindbender has some really primo drugs and stuff…” Zero said. “Okay fine! Zero and Mindbender are equals and in case you disagree with each other you can play rock paper scissors!” Cobra Commander snapped. “That works for me,” Mindbender shrugged. “When you said Destro and me did you mean us together or is he above me?” The Baroness asked. “Together! Usually…Depending on the mission,” Cobra Commander groaned. “Look the gist of what I am saying is that the Dreadnoks are at the bottom where they belong! Okay? Does everyone get that?” “Agreed. Yeah. I guess. Whatever. I’m fine. Do we have a choice?” The group of villains remarked. “All right! Now that that is settled,” Cobra Commander said. “Let us conclude this meeting by welcoming back the Dreadnoks…” “Ugh…” Destro rolled his eyes. “With tasers, bats and anything else we can use to beat them senseless!” Cobra Commander pulled out a taser from his belt. “YAY!” Zero chirped cheerfully as he pulled out his own taser. “Welcome Back Zartan,” The Baroness smirked as she pounded her hand into her fist. “Oh I am going to like this new situation,” Destro agreed. “Better them than us,” Tomax said to his brother. “With them here we are no longer the scapegoats!” Xamot admitted. “Well I wouldn’t go that far,” Cobra Commander remarked. “But I admit you two aren’t at the top of the list anymore.” He turned on his taser. “Uh oh…” Zartan gulped. “Told you we should have tried going back to Australia first!” Zandar growled. “You didn’t listen to me! Nobody ever listens to me!” “GET THEM!” Destro whooped with joy. “AAAAAAHHH!” The Dreadnoks ran for their lives as the Cobras chased them with tasers. “Wait! We have guns!” Buzzer stopped. “Why are we…GNNAAAAAHHH!” He BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 64

yelled as the Baroness tasered him with glee. “AAAAHHH!” The Dreadnoks ran around the hangar and then to parts of the base with the Cobras behind them. Their screams of pain could be heard throughout the compound. That was one reason nobody noticed Zandar sneaking around the airplane the Dreadnok’s arrived in. When the Dreadnoks ran he merely ducked into the airplane to hide. “Phew…” Zandar let out a breath. “The one time I’m glad when nobody notices me.” “Grrrrrrrr…..” Zandar looked behind him and saw a huge green lizard with frills on its head the size of a donkey looking at him. “Sheesh that looks like that thing Obi Wan Kenobi rode in Revenge of the Sith,” Zandar winced. “What the devil is Mindbender doing now?” “Rrrrrr?” “Oh no…” Zandar gulped. “Nice lizard…” He tried to pull out his weapon but the creature tackled him before he could do so. “NO! OW! DOWN BOY! DOWN…Uh oh…” Zandar realized the truth. “You’re a girl lizard aren’t you? AAAH! NO! NO! BAD LIZARD! AAAH! HELP! HELP! OH WHY DIDN’T I JUST LET MYSELF GET TASERED? WHYYYY? AAAHHHH!”

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Chapter 9 A Little Mushroom Cloud Shaped Explosion

“And that is why we are no longer serving tapioca pudding in the cafeteria,” Cobra Commander spoke to the Cobra High Command in the conference room. “So thank you very much Zartan and your idiot Dreadnoks!” “You lot have only been here two days and your animals already destroyed something,” Destro huffed. “Where’s my taser again?” “You can taser them another time Destro,” Cobra Commander waved. “Let’s just get through this meeting first.” “May I say in my defense that it was Mindbender who doctored up that stupid potion in the first place!” Zartan spoke up. His sister and brother were in the room as well but not the other Dreadnoks. “Yes but I kept that growth hormone in lab refrigerator clearly labeled ‘Growth Experimental Hormone, do not touch’!” Mindbender snapped. “You expected the Dreadnoks to read?” The Baroness snickered. “I expected them to stay out of my lab after the incident with Lana!” Mindbender snapped. “Who’s Lana?” Cobra Commander asked. “One of your new assistants?” “No, it’s the giant lizard that molested Zandar,” Destro snickered. “TWICE!” Zandar snapped. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 66

“Oh please!” Mindbender snapped. “So Lana dry humped you a bit! It’s not like there was any penetration.” “NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING!” Zartan snarled. “The damn thing tried to have it’s way with me too!” “Again you shouldn’t have invaded my lab in the first place…” Mindbender gave him a look. “Okay! It appears we have to go over this again!” Cobra Commander said in a very annoyed tone. “Last time! No Dreadnoks are allowed ever in Mindbender’s lab! Mindbender, do not let your creations leave the lab whether they have legs or not! And definitely do not let anything from Mindbender’s lab into the cafeteria and put it in the food! HOW IS THAT DIFFICULT TO REMEMBER?” “Again look who you are talking to…” The Baroness pointed to the Dreadnok Siblings. “Stuff it Baroness!” Zarana and Zandar said as one. “Okay now we’re moving on to Item Two on the list!” Cobra Commander pressed on. “Now I know how you were all looking forward to stealing the gold medals at the Olympics. But because of all the extra security thanks to the Jihad Janes running around we have to change our plans! I mean who broadcasts a secret attack on the internet? Ugh! I swear these religious fanatics take all the fun out of being a terrorist!” “True. Then again the Russians ruined the Sochi games more than any terrorist ever could,” The Baroness remarked. “Those toilets looked worse than the time the Dreadnoks had that all you can eat Mexican Buffett,” Zarana spoke up. “At least you could flush those toilets at first! Later not so much but still…” “Not just that. They had at least six years to build hotels and get enough accommodations and they’re still not ready!” Mindbender spoke up. “Not to mention all the bees in the honey.” “Isn’t that where they’re supposed to be?” Zero blinked. “Not when you’re trying to put it on toast,” Mindbender explained. “And their Olympic stadiums and courses are substandard,” Cobra Commander shook his head. “You know say what you want about Cobra’s old gladiator arenas and torture chambers but at least they were up to code!” “So what now?” Destro asked. “So now we go to our backup plan,” Cobra Commander turned on the monitor on the wall. “Luck would have it our intelligence agents have confirmed that a black market arms deal is going down. Right in our own casino!” “What intelligence agents?” Zartan blinked. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 67

“Doesn’t anyone read my newsletter?” Zero moaned. “We hired them a few days ago! They’re some of my old buddies from the Crimson Guard who didn’t join the Overlord because they liked being freelance agents! But they’ve had some financial problems so they decided to come back to Cobra.” “Didn’t join who?” Zartan did a double take. “Long story…” Xamot waved. “We’ll tell you later if we feel like it,” Tomax added. “But who…?” “Are the new agents?” Xamot added. “Do we know them?” “Uh yeah,” Zero whistled. “Their code names are Slice and Dice.” “Slice and…” Tomax’s jaw dropped. “Dice?” Xamot yelled. “THOSE TWO MANIACS?” The twins yelled at once. “Oh God not those two!” Zartan moaned. “Uh what?” Cobra Commander looked back and forth. “Am I missing something?” “A lot of things, actually but for now I’ll give you a quick backstory on Slice and Dice,” Zartan explained. “They’re ninjas.” “Not Arshikage Ninjas!” Destro raised an eyebrow. “No, but not for lack of trying,” Zartan moaned. “They thought they could become part of a ninja clan using a correspondence course and then they tried to join the Red Ninjas.” “Aren’t the Red Ninjas the nuts that are always trying to kill you?” Zero asked Zartan. “Exactly. For murdering their ninja master, staining their honor, yada, yada, yada…” Zartan groaned. “They thought they could join the Red Ninjas by capturing me and getting me killed but for some reason their catching me made them even angrier and then the Red Ninjas wanted to kill them too…Long story short it was a very messy weekend.” “So Zartan convinced them to join Cobra and like idiots we brought them into our Crimson Guard,” Tomax groaned. “Let me guess, they were unsatisfactory in their work?” Mindbender asked. “No, they were very satisfactory…” Xamot sighed. “The problem wasn’t with their job performance.” “The problem was that they were nuts even beyond Cobra Standards. Not to mention their PDA was off the charts and drove half their team mates crazy,” Tomax finished. “PDA?” Cobra Commander asked. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 68

“Personal Displays of Affection…” Xamot groaned. “With each other…” Tomax added. “In the locker room…” Xamot went on. “And everywhere else…” Tomax added. “The gay ninjas?” Cobra Commander did a double take. “Oh yeah, I remember them now,” Mindbender blinked. “How could anyone forget them after the Christmas Party of 1993?” Xamot protested. “To be fair Cobra Commander was pretty blitzed that year,” Tomax reminded his brother. “As opposed to every other year?” Xamot gave his brother a look. “Year? How about every freaking month?” The Baroness grumbled. “Month?” Destro asked. “How about….?” “Okay we are officially off track…” Cobra Commander grumbled. “Can we get back to the mission?” “Certainly Cobra Commander,” Destro nodded. “We know you need to get back to your drinking as soon as possible.” “If that weren’t true Destro I’d shoot you,” Cobra Commander growled. “Okay here’s how this will go down. Some North Korean agents are checking into the casino to buy some weapons grade plutonium. Or some kind of small nuclear bomb. Because as we all know that’s what North Korean Agents do. We intercept the agents as soon as they check into the room. Knock them out with knockout gas installed in their vents. Dispose of them. Take their place. Wait for the seller to come to the room. When he gets there we rob the guy…In other words it’s basically Plan Switcheroo from the old days. Got it?” “Yeah we remember the drill,” The Baroness waved. “Just as long as the Dreadnoks don’t screw it up!” “Why do you always assume that my Dreadnoks will screw things up?” Zartan snapped. “The same way I know that if I go into the ocean I will get wet,” The Baroness gave him a look. “Or the same way I know that if a celebrity does something stupid, TMZ will broadcast it. It is inevitable!” “As much as I’d love to continue this derision of the Dreadnoks…” Destro spoke in a dead pan tone. “I feel I must ask this rather obvious question. How do we know this so called arms dealer is legitimate and not a trap sent by the authorities? For all we know

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this could be a sting operation run by either the government or a spy agency.” “It’s not a trap,” Zero spoke up. “Slice and Dice checked this guy out thoroughly.” “Oh yes that makes me feel so much better,” Destro rolled his eyes. “As much as we hate to agree with Zero…” Xamot began. “We have to say that even though Slice and Dice were rather unorthodox…” Tomax added. “They always got results and have never steered us wrong before,” The Twins said as one. “Except the time they suggested we paint the corner office orange yellow,” Xamot remembered. “We don’t know what they were thinking then!” Tomax agreed. “Let’s just hope this runs smoothly,” Destro grumbled. “And that the Dreadnoks not screw it up.” “How could we screw this up?” Zartan gave Destro a look. Fast forward to the following day at the same time… “Okay in our defense this is only half our fault!” Zartan yelled as he laid down cover fire in the hallway from one of the hotel rooms on the 41st floor. “Mindbender should be held accountable for his defective knockout gas!” “It was your idiot Dreadnoks that were supposed to set up the knockout gas in the first place!” Destro barked as he and Zero added fire. “I told you we should have used someone from my department!” Zero shouted. “But noooo!” “I agree with you Zero! It’s Cobra Commander who insisted these idiots be given a chance!” Destro snapped. “And they failed! SURPRISE!” “The canisters were empty! You can’t blame us for defective and empty canisters!” Zartan yelled as he shot one of the North Koreans dead. “There I got another one.” “That makes it two,” Zero remarked. “I have one and Destro has two. You two are tied.” “This is not a competition!” Destro snapped as he ducked the bullets. “Oh great! There’s blood all over the new carpets in the hallway and they’re not even scotch guarded yet!” “Housekeeping will not be happy with us,” Zero remarked. “I’m not happy with Zartan and his Dimwit Brigade for failing to install the knockout gas canisters!” Destro snapped. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 70

“THE CANISTERS WERE EMPTY!” Zartan snarled. “And how did you know that?” Destro asked. “Torch called and told me that!” Zartan yelled as he returned fire. “Oh yeah there’s a reliable source of information!” Destro said sarcastically. “Torch doesn’t lie to me when it counts!” Zartan snapped. “He’s not smart enough to do so!” “He’s got a point there Destro,” Zero remarked. “Oh please!” Destro rolled his eyes. “You want proof? I’ll get him on the communicator!” Zartan snapped. “Torch! Where are you? Where’s our backup?” “Oh you wanted me to come up and get you?” Torch responded. “YES I WANTED YOU TO COME UP AND HELP ME TAKE OUT THE NORTH KOREANS!” Zartan yelled. “Geeze you don’t have to yell!” Torch remarked. “Just get your stupid hide and the hides of the other idiots up here and help us!” Zartan shouted. “Uh yeah well funny story about that…” Torch was down in a room looking at the unconscious Dreadnoks all over the floor. “You’re gonna laugh when you hear this…” “What did you do?” Zartan hissed into the communicator. “You know how the canisters of knock out gas were empty and we couldn’t install them?” Torch asked as he looked at his comrades. “I didn’t exactly tell you why did I?” “What. Did. You. Do?” Zartan yelled. “The blokes were having a knockout contest,” Torch said. “Who could stay awake the longest? After inhaling knockout gas.” “Let me guess, you won!” Zartan fumed. “No I wasn’t playing. I was kind of in the bathroom because I had to deal with my own brand of knockout gas if you get my drift,” Torch said nervously. “I never should have had those chimichongas for lunch.” “Now why does this not surprise me?” Destro said sarcastically. “Fine just get some backup! Any back up on the 41st floor now!” Zartan yelled. “Zartan out!” “Anything you’d like to say Zartan?” Destro asked. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 71

“Oh…” Zartan blinked. “Okay fine. This is all the Dreadnoks’ fault. Happy?” “Oh yes!” Destro snarled as he returned fire. “I’m ecstatic! I’m practically jumping for joy with happiness! WHEEEEEEE!” Destro used the grenade launcher and fired into the room. The room exploded and shook the building for a second. Then all was silent. “Are they dead yet?” Zero blinked. “They should be,” Destro snorted. “Which means I win.” “It’s not a competition!” Zartan growled. “So are we going to go in and see if they’re actually dead or…?” Zero pointed to the room. “Go and see for yourself,” Zartan grumbled. “Why should I?” Zero asked. “I’m management remember?” “He has a point Zartan,” Destro said. “You’re taking his side?” Zartan shouted. “Let me think about that. YES!” Destro snapped. “I’ve been with Cobra forever!” Zartan snapped. “And you’ve been backstabbing us forever,” Zero said. “Zero makes a very compelling argument,” Destro said. “Well what about him?” Zartan pointed. “You found him working for a former henchman who tried to kill you!” “Only because of the Crimson Twins’ incompetence and mismanagement of funds,” Zero said. “I had to make a living somehow! I didn’t choose to leave Cobra! You did!” “Again, a very compelling argument,” Destro agreed. “So go and check and see if they’re dead,” Zero said. “I do not take orders from you!” Zartan hissed. “Oh yes you do,” Destro smirked. “And I as well and we’re both telling you to go check out that room!” “I have seniority! At least over you!” Zartan pointed to Zero. “You gave up seniority when you stabbed us in the back!” Zero said. “YOU WEREN’T EVEN THERE AT THE TIME!” Zartan yelled. “Zartan just shut up and do what you’re told!” Destro growled. “I know you’ve always hated me you pretentious prick but seriously letting the help BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 72

make decisions…” Zartan gritted his teeth. “Dude, you’re the help now!” Zero barked. “He’s right again Zartan,” Destro grinned. “Why does everyone just roll over and agree with this jackass?” Zartan pointed to Zero. “As opposed to agreeing with your particular brand of jackass-ery?” Zero remarked. “You want the whole list or just the top ten?” “Ooh, I’d like to hear that list,” Destro was clearly enjoying himself. “I’ll put it in the next newsletter,” Zero said. “I look forward to reading it,” Destro said. “Why don’t you read this you….?” Zartan prepared to make an obscene gesture. “Boss?” Torch entered the hallway. “Are you okay?” “No but that’s never stopped me before…” Zartan groaned. “We’ll have Torch and his team look in the room.” “What team?” Torch blinked. “The backup you were supposed to bring!” Zartan snapped. “But I told you the other Dreadnoks are out cold,” Torch blinked. “COBRA SOLDIERS!” Zartan yelled. “You were supposed to bring Cobra Soldiers up here!” “Was I?” Torch asked. “That’s what backup usually means!” Zartan snapped. “To anyone with a brain cell,” Destro remarked. “Reason Number Five,” Zero spoke up. “Incompetent underlings.” “Shut up!” Zartan hissed. “Zartan I don’t think you’re allowed to tell your boss to shut up,” Torch whispered loudly. To this Destro let out an amused laugh. Zartan glared at Destro then Torch. “Torch…” Zartan gritted his teeth. “Check and see if anyone is alive in that room before the seller comes here with the materials. Understand?” “I think it is an actual bomb,” Torch spoke up. “What that seller bloke is bringing.” “Just do it!” Zartan yelled. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 73

“Sheesh! You don’t have to be a prickly pear about it,” Torch grumbled as he did so. “Not my fault you didn’t give me clear instructions!” “Perhaps in the future you should write them in crayon?” Destro suggested. “Man we didn’t make this much of a mess with the tapioca in the cafeteria,” Torch remarked. “Uh oh…” “What do you mean uh oh?” Destro poked his head in. “Are they alive?” “Uh no…But…” Torch pointed to an open briefcase on the floor. Among the scattered papers that looked like cash there was definitely something suspicious with a lot of wires in it. “Okay that is definitely a bomb,” Torch remarked. “The old Bomb in the Money Briefcase scam,” Destro shook his head. “If I’ve seen it once I’ve seen it a dozen times.” “They were gonna blow up perfectly good money?” Torch was puzzled. “No stupid that’s obviously fake money!” Zero snapped. “Is that bomb active?” “Uh…”Torch touched the briefcase. BEEP…BEEP…BEEP… “It is now,” Torch gulped. “We have to disarm it!” Zartan shrieked in terror. “There’s no time!” Destro barked. He grabbed his grenade launcher and pushed a button. As the weapon modified to have a strange cushion on it Destro grabbed the bomb then managed to stick it in the weapon. “What the hell are you doing?” Zartan yelled. “You’ll blow us all up!” “Not with this specially designed modification in my grenade launcher!” Destro pointed the weapon towards the window. He pulled the trigger and the bomb shot through the window. Before it hit the window the strange cushion had molded around the bomb. “What the devil…?” Zero gasped. “I told you I’ve seen the Bomb in the Briefcase scam a dozen times,” Destro remarked. “So I made a special modification in my grenade launcher.” “So it could launch a bomb without detonating it? Clever,” Zero whistled. “Yes and the bomb will explode inside the container safely without any damage,” Destro smirked. KAAAAAA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM! “Unless it is an extremely powerful bomb,” Destro winced as the ground shook. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 74

“Whoa!” Torch looked out the window. “It’s okay. It landed in the docks near the ocean.” “That’s one big explosion,” Zero whistled. “More like a little mushroom cloud shaped explosion…” Destro blinked. “Oh no…” “You don’t think…?” Zartan did a double take. “It couldn’t have hit…” “It did…” Destro groaned. “What are the odds we hit the arms dealer that was carrying the bomb he was going to sell miles away from the casino?” Zero gasped, “With you lot, very good ones!” Destro rolled his eyes. “So it was definitely a small nuclear bomb,” Torch said. “I win!” “And Cobra loses again!” Destro threw up his hands. “Well…” Zero said nervously. “At least we know for sure the seller was legit.”

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Chapter 10 Mindbender’s Pickup Service “Cobra Commander we need to talk about the budget for the month,” Destro remarked as he looked at some papers on his desk as the door opened to his office. Then he looked up. “What happened to you?” “Nothing. Just having a little talk with the cleaning staff,” Cobra Commander walked in covered with blood and was carrying an AK47. “By the way we need a new cleaning staff.” “AGAIN?” Destro groaned. “Commander that’s the second staff you killed this month!” “Technically no,” Cobra Commander pointed out. “The first one I only accidentally killed two of the cleaning staff and the rest fled. I admit I shouldn’t have done my crossbow target practice in the cafeteria.” “What happened this time?” Destro moaned. “They tried to unionize!” Cobra Commander protested. “Oh don’t give me that look Destro it’s not like there aren’t a billion other illegal immigrants out there.” “Disregarding your even more callous regard for human life than usual…” Destro began. “Yes, I made sure I didn’t kill them in the area that was already clean!” Cobra Commander snapped. “I’m not stupid enough to make that mistake again! I did it in that service elevator in the back. You know the one that looks like Charles Manson lived in it for a while?” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 76

“Commander…” Destro moaned. “Oh lighten up Destro. I saved Cobra a lot of money by killing off the staff before I paid them,” Cobra Commander waved. “Well maybe not a lot of money but I saved enough for a few bottles of decent scotch! That has to mean something!” “It will for the prosecution if we get caught!” Destro snapped. “No we won’t. I sent the bodies down to Mindbender. You know how he hates to let any genetic material go to waste,” Cobra Commander waved. “So again I made another cost effective measure!” “Are you ready for the meeting?” The Baroness walked in. “I was but now I have to deal with another crisis Cobra Commander has brought up,” Destro indicated the Commander. “Oh sure! Blame me for trying to keep us in the black!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Oh by the way,” The Baroness said. “I need a new maid.” “What happened to the old one?” Destro said. “And by old I mean the one you got yesterday.” “I terminated her.” “And by terminated you mean…?” Destro began. “I caught her stealing from my purse and I snapped her neck,” The Baroness shrugged. “Terminated.” “See? It’s not just me!” Cobra Commander pointed out. “And I need the cleaning staff to take the body to Mindbender’s lab,” The Baroness added. “We don’t have a cleaning staff because Cobra Commander killed them all!” Destro snapped. “Calm down Destro I’m sure Mindbender does some kind of pick-up service,” Cobra Commander waved. “I mean he did for me. Then again that elevator goes to the labs anyway. I’m not sure now. I’ll give him a call.” He picked up his cell phone and started to call. “Uhhh…Commander? Destro?” Zero knocked on the open door. “We have a problem.” “What? Did someone accidentally kill more of the help?” Destro snapped. “Uh no,” Zero gulped. “One of the accountants is dead.” “Oh for crying out…” Destro put his hands on his head. “Mindbender does your department do body pick-ups?” Cobra Commander asked in BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 77

the phone. “You do? Oh that’s handy.” “Very handy,” Destro groaned. “How did this one die?” “He ate some yogurt from the break room refrigerator and apparently he was extremely lactose intolerant,” Zero said. “So if you could send somebody…” “Looks like you’re going to have a busy schedule,” Cobra Commander said to Mindbender on the phone. “There’s been a death in accounting as well as the Baroness terminating a maid. Snapped his neck. Yeah I’m not surprised about that one either.” “The good news is that he didn’t have any family or anything so we just saved a ton on death benefits and insurance,” Zero said cheerfully. “Well we’re just saving money all over the place today aren’t we?” Destro threw up his hands. “What do you mean you’ll get to it after you pick up another body in the Greenhouse Department?” Cobra Commander asked on the phone. “Really? Well why was he working on the electrical system while the sprinklers were going on? Oh. I see. They accidentally went on.” “Unbelievable…” Destro groaned. “Now why can’t we eliminate our enemies as efficiently as our employees?” “Uh huh,” Cobra Commander nodded. “Really? So you do need all the raw genetic material you can get. Well I appreciate this Mindbender so…” “Cobra Commander…” Xamot spoke up as he and his brother walked into the room. Wearing bathrobes. “Hold on Mindbender I gotta hear what stupidity is happening now…” Cobra Commander groaned. “What? Is this a new twist on Casual Friday I don’t know about or what?” “We have a situation…” Tomax began. “That should be our company logo,” Destro frowned. “Who died and how?” “How did you now…?” Xamot began. “Just tell us,” Destro interrupted. “You know how some of the new porn stars arrived early?” Tomax winced. “Yes…” Destro frowned. “We thought we’d…audition a few of them,” Xamot added. “Just a head’s up, some of them were not as skilled acrobats as they claimed.” “We were fools to think anyone could be as skilled as Deming when it came to that move,” Tomax sighed. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 78

“You two are fools period,” Destro groaned. “Commander…?” “Okay Mindbender you have another pick up to add to your route…” Cobra Commander spoke into the phone. “There hasn’t been this many deaths in Cobra in one day since the ill-fated employee of the year awards of 1997,” The Baroness remarked. “When we held them near that volcano.” “To be fair that volcano was dormant for over two hundred and thirty nine years before that weekend,” Destro sighed. “I mean the odds were pretty…” “Commander! Destro! We have a problem!” Monkeywrench shouted as he ran in with Torch. “For crying out loud it’s like a running gag!” Destro barked. “Who did you kill?” “Nobody. Today anyway,” Torch blinked. “We got a real emergency!” Monkeywrench protested. “We’re out of grape soda in the vending machines!” “Oh heavens no!” Destro said in a theatric tone. “Not the grape sodas! Of all the things to befall Cobra today this is the worst! NOT THE GRAPE SODAS!” “You’re mocking us aren’t you?” Monkeywrench frowned. “How very astute of you!” Destro snapped. “We had a few incidents with some dead porn stars, dead workers, dead cleaning staff…” Cobra Commander explained. “Oh yeah. I guess some dead porn stars do kind of trump no more grape sodas,” Torch blinked. “YOU THINK?” Destro snapped. “Uh Destro, Cobra Commander we have a problem…” Zarana walked in wearing a black evening gown. “Only one?” The Baroness quipped. “We know. There’s no grape soda in the vending machines,” Destro sighed. “Life as we know it is over.” “You don’t have to be a jerk about it,” Torch frowned. “Uh yeah I kind of do,” Destro gave him a look. “This is a different problem,” Zarana sighed. “You remember those Japanese high rollers that checked into the casino this morning?” “Yes,” The Baroness frowned. “What about them?” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 79

“You remember that discount shrimp and sushi we bought from Vapor’s very weird friends?” Zarana asked. “Not a good combination.” “So they’re….” Destro began. “Dead,” Zarana told him. “Of course they are,” Destro groaned. “Hold on Mindbender,” Cobra Commander spoke into the phone. “You have another pickup.” “Again why can’t we take out our enemies this efficiently?” Destro looked up to the ceiling.

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Chapter 11 It’s All About Management “I don’t know why we didn’t get into the casino business sooner,” Cobra Commander joyfully counted the money stack on the table in his office. “People pay money for the privilege of losing money! It’s brilliant!” “I must say it’s a rather refreshing change to see you in a good mood,” Destro remarked as he sat on the other side of the desk drinking some scotch. “And for those people who don’t like to gamble, we get them with the shops, bars and the all you can eat buffet!” Cobra Commander chortled with glee. “And the bowling alley on the second floor! Did you know there was a bowling alley on the second floor?” “I did,” Destro nodded. “Now Commander as much as I hate to sour your good mood…” “Destro we both know you live to sour my good mood,” Cobra Commander gave him a look. “It’s your third favorite thing after screwing the Baroness and screwing around behind the Baroness’ back.” “Fourth actually,” Destro took another drink. “You forgot tormenting Zartan and his Dreadnoks.” “Oh yes. There is that,” Cobra Commander nodded. “That is fun isn’t it?” “Nevertheless I feel it is my duty to point out that due to the recent…mishaps of the past few days our profit margin could be slimming as we speak,” Destro coughed. “Relax Destro. The damages have been repaired. The bloodstains are all gone. The BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 81

bodies are in the lab. And we managed to convince people they were shooting a movie in the bay,” Cobra Commander waved. “Yes but what about the costs for fixing those damages? I still don’t have the final figures for that!” Destro snapped. “That alone could cost us a fortune!” “Trust me. It didn’t cost as much as you think it did,” Cobra Commander waved. “In fact I was able to get a very good deal on labor.” “You killed the repairmen didn’t you?” Destro groaned. “No, Smarty Pants I didn’t! I’m not that short sighted!” Cobra Commander snapped. “We gave them Mindbender’s Mind Control gum. Now we have a happy handyman slash really cheap labor force ready to spring into action the minute something gets broken around here.” “Of course,” Destro sighed. “And we all know that’s going to happen again,” Cobra Commander shrugged. “That’s why I prepared for the future.” “Very forward thinking Commander.” “Only two of them were killed and they were accidents,” Cobra Commander pointed out. “One was a little too drugged when he was window washing and sort of released his harness.” “And the other?” Destro raised an eyebrow. “I sent some of them down to help spruce up Mindbender’s lab and one of his experiments got loose. You know? Same old, same old,” Cobra Commander waved. “Oh calm down Destro. All we have to do is make another run to Home Depot to replace them.” “Oh dear…” Destro sighed. “FYI…Mindbender gave some of the gum to a few of the better looking porn stars,” Cobra Commander grinned. “Works really well with them.” “I thought you were in an unusually good mood,” Destro sighed. “So now we’re adding white slavery to our repertoire.” “No. Not all of them were white. Two were Asian and one was from some island in the tropics,” Cobra Commander huffed. “I’m not racist you know?” “I am aware of your standards Cobra Commander,” Destro sighed. “Well technically I suppose I am but not by color,” Cobra Commander said. “I mean I am literally from another species after all. I’m blue and once I was green for crying out loud. Color doesn’t matter that much to me.” “I suppose from your perspective that is a rather idiotic point,” Destro said. Then the Crimson Guard Twins walked in wearing their blue business suits. “Speaking of BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 82

which…” “All right what happened this time?” Cobra Commander sighed. “We had a visitor today…” Xamot began. “From a concerned businessman with ties to shall we say organized crime,” Tomax added. “And negotiations got a bit…” Xamot added. “Heated,” Tomax finished. “To the point where we have a slight conflict,” Xamot finished. “In other words some Mob boss tried to shake us down and you killed him,” Cobra Commander said. “That is the usual procedure,” Tomax shrugged. “But now we don’t know what to do with the body,” Xamot said. “We can’t just give it to Mindbender,” Tomax added. “His crew will be looking for him,” Xamot finished. “Okay this isn’t hard,” Cobra Commander sighed. “How did you kill him? Did you shoot him or…?’ “No, we broke his neck and back,” Tomax shrugged. “What about his bodyguard?” Destro asked. “He didn’t have one,” Xamot said. “He came alone because he thought we were…” Tomax added. “A group of accountant eggheads or something,” Xamot finished. “Then that makes it easier,” Cobra Commander nodded. “You two still have your trapeze set in your room?” “Yes…” Xamot admitted. “Get it and a couple of zombie porn stars and take them and the body to a seedy motel on the other side of the island,” Cobra Commander waved. “Use the Coconut Bay. That’s one of our pot distribution points. Set it all up to make it look like he died a very happy man. Make an anonymous call to one of the cops that are on the take from us and…” “We got it,” Tomax interrupted. “Rather simple if you think about it,” Xamot admitted. “And we did need to replace that old trapeze set anyway,” Tomax sighed. “Too many BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 83

memories.” “I wish I could forget this conversation,” Destro groaned. “You’d better if the cops come sniffing around,” Cobra Commander gave him a look. “That would be the least of our worries if they come and see you wearing your usual attire,” Xamot remarked. “Oh like you two blend!” Cobra Commander called out as the twins left. “See Destro? Any problem that comes up can be resolved with a calm head and some rational thinking.” “So killing a mob boss and using drugged porn stars to make his death look like a sex depraved accident is rational thinking?” Destro asked. “Good to know.” “Oh don’t be so tense,” Cobra Commander waved. “Tell you what I’ll get you a porn star tonight. That should relax you. You have any preferences?” “Yes. She must be conscious,” Destro gave him a look. “You always have to be picky don’t you?” Cobra Commander gave him a look. Then the Baroness walked in. “All right now what’s your problem?” “Two problems actually…” The Baroness sighed. “Ah a two for one deal,” Cobra Commander nodded. “Proceed.” “First problem,” The Baroness began. “There’s a problem with the morale in the human resources department.” “What kind of problem?” Destro asked. “They’re having knife fights in the break room,” The Baroness remarked. “And no one will clean up after their mess.” “Do I want to know why they are having knife fights in the break room?” Destro groaned. “There’s a few reasons actually,” The Baroness shrugged. “Some are angry with their coworkers about petty arguments. Others are sleeping around with other girlfriends or boyfriends. And some are just bored with their lives.” “Sounds like a typical Cobra office to me,” Cobra Commander said. “Are you taping the knife fights?” “Oh yes. They’re entertaining but they make a mess in the break room,” The Baroness remarked. “And that’s causing resentment among some of the other employees which leads to more knife fights…” “I see the problem,” Cobra Commander nodded. “Okay I’m reinstating our Friday Night Fights program. Send a memo around saying all knife fights must be held off until Friday in a new designated area. I’ll have my workforce build a new arena underBD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 84

ground.” “You might want to have them build a new break room while you are at it,” The Baroness remarked. “Done,” Cobra Commander wrote something town. “I’ll get the work orders started today. What’s the other problem?” “Remember that inspector that was supposed to come tomorrow?” The Baroness sighed. “The one that checks up on casinos and see if their standards and practices are legitimate as well as the building codes?” “Yes,” Cobra Commander said. “He came early this morning,” The Baroness said. “Now remember Destro you made some contacts with some of your old arms dealer associates?” “Yes, we put them up for the week in the casino hotel,” Destro said. “Where is this going?” Cobra Commander blinked. “Did you know those two arms dealers had become bitter rivals lately?” The Baroness asked. “I was aware of some minor animosity…” Destro said. “And are you aware they had rooms right across from each other?” The Baroness asked. “Uh oh…” Destro winced. “Let me take a guess, they were having a little spat and the inspector walked into the crossfire didn’t he?” “The good news is the rooms don’t have that many bullet holes in them,” The Baroness said. “The bad news is the inspector has a lot of them inside him.” “Is he alive?” Cobra Commander asked. “Define alive,” The Baroness gave him a look. “He’s breathing despite missing a lot of his brain but…” “I get the picture,” Cobra Commander winced. “Okay Mindbender’s been working on synthoids to replace casino workers and get us some extra soldiers. So what’s one little government inspector? Actually if you think about it this could be a plus for us. Have another guy on the inside so to speak.” “On it,” The Baroness nodded and started to call Mindbender on her phone. “I take it you want to pull the plug on the…” “Give him to Mindbender. He loves extra DNA to play with,” Destro said. “True,” The Baroness shrugged. “See it’s all about management,” Cobra Commander said as the Baroness left. “TakBD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 85

ing all the little problems in stride.” “I guess for Cobra a few dozen dead bodies and knife fights in the office are little problems,” Destro quipped. “Commander we have a problem,” Zarana walked in wearing her black cocktail dress and diamond earrings. “Bring it on Zarana! I’m on a roll!” Cobra Commander said cheerfully. “Remember that bad shrimp that killed off those high rollers two days ago?” Zarana groaned. “Yes…” Cobra Commander said. “I found out where it was relocated,” Zarana sighed. “To the all you can eat buffet.” “How many died?” Destro groaned. “Only one and that’s because the fatso was allergic to shrimp in the first place,” Zarana grumbled. “Really shouldn’t have been eating it.” “So it was his own fault. That’s not so bad,” Cobra Commander waved. “However a hundred and fifty seven people got sick and there’s vomit all over the second floor,” Zarana remarked. “That’s bad,” Cobra Commander winced. “Is there vomit in the bowling alley?” “All over the bowling alley,” Zarana groaned. “Ohhhh!” Cobra Commander made an annoyed noise. “And I wanted to go bowling later!” “Technically you can if you don’t mind the smell,” Zarana said. “And messing up your bowling shoes.” “I know bowling shoes can be breeding grounds for bacteria but this is too much,” Destro winced. “There’s a health inspector on the way,” Zarana said. “This could close us down for days!” “Not to worry! When the health inspector gets here take him to Mindbender, knock him out and get Mindbender to replace him with a synthoid,” Cobra Commander went on. “Do you want me to kill the health inspector or…?” Zarana asked. “Normally I would but I know Mindbender has been asking for live specimens so…” Cobra Commander shrugged. “Got it,” Zarana nodded as she left. “And take a memo to the buying department!” Cobra Commander ordered. “No more discount seafood!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 86

Chapter 12 Raoul Dodged A Bullet Cobra Commander made a call from his office. “Raoul! Good to hear from you! So how’s shooting going? And for once I don’t mean at the rifle range.” Cobra Commander paused. “Yes I know. Who would have thought the porn industry would be more lucrative than the illegal weapons industry? And a lot more fun! Am I right? HA HA HA HA!” “Those were the good old days weren’t they Raoul? Sigh. If only I knew then what I know now.” “You know Raoul you were my first choice to be my second in command when I first put Cobra together,” Cobra Commander went on. “Yes. Yes. I know. No. I don’t have any hard feelings about that. I understand completely. You couldn’t leave the family business. Believe me I know where you’re coming from. I had a mother like that too.” “It’s just that you would have been a lot more fun than the Scottish Twit I have working for me. Yeah he’s still here. Hasn’t left yet. Not for lack of trying. Ah you know how bad the job market is. He can’t get anything else and I can’t get anyone else. You know if this whole porn thing doesn’t work out…Oh what am I saying? If I were in your position they’d have to take a crowbar to pry me away!” “Speaking of which did you get a look at the script I sent you?” Cobra Commander asked. “Of course there’s a market for it! There are crazy fan boys who would kill for porn like this! It’s just like Game of Thrones. Only there’s more sex, Jon Snow and the dwarf are friends who go to orgies together and everyone is blue.” Cobra Commander paused. “Of course we can make it to your high quality standards. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 87

I’ve got computer nerds working on the winged snake monsters as we speak. I mean almost everything is digital nowadays. Make it a cartoon? Oh right. Animation. Yeah there’s a difference!” “Look Raoul, the only difference between a cartoon and animation is the amount of sex and swears in it.” “Well I have to agree it would be cheaper in the long run if we make it a series. And we wouldn’t need as many actors. I know someone who could play half the parts. Yeah like Mel Blanc. What do you mean who is that? Even I’ve seen a Bugs Bunny cartoon!” “No, no…Not like H. Jon Benjamin. No, I agree he has a great voice but it’s the only one he has! He sounds the same in almost everything he does. I’m talking about someone who is versatile and…Yeah. Hank Azaria. Like him. Or the guy who does Spongebob.” “No I don’t think we can get the guy who does Spongebob. Or Hank Azaria. But I do know one frustrated actor slash mercenary who might be up for the job.” “Cobra Commander…” Destro walked into the office. “We have a problem.” “Of course we do,” Cobra Commander sighed. “Hold on Raoul. What is it now Destro? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of an important phone call.” “It’s about Mindbender and the Dreadnoks,” Destro frowned. “What happened this time?” Cobra Commander grumbled. “One of Mindbender’s creations got loose,” Destro began. “Again.” “And…?” Cobra Commander asked. “You remember the last time the Dreadnoks stole my helmet polish?” Destro sighed. “And they used it to wax the floors?” “I recall the incident,” Cobra Commander asked. “Why…?” “RAARRRRRRRRRRR!” Something huge and orange with large claws and lots of teeth slid by the office. People were screaming everywhere. “I see…” Cobra Commander nodded. “Raoul I’m going to have to call you back…” “Trying to sell another one of your Cobra La based porn scripts?” Destro groaned as Cobra Commander hung up. “Hey there’s a lot of Cobra La mythology that I can mine for some profit,” Cobra Commander said. “Don’t knock it.” CRASH! SMASH! “RARRRRRR!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 88

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!” “Speaking of knocking things…” Destro groaned. “The perfect storm of insanity and stupidity…” “Sometimes I think Raoul dodged a bullet when he chose not to work for Cobra,” Cobra Commander grumbled.

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Chapter 13: Python’s Peak Python’s Peak “And again Mindbender, I have to remind you to keep your science projects in your lab where they belong instead of the break room!” Cobra Commander snapped as he headed another Cobra meeting. “First of all not all of them were my projects,” Mindbender huffed. “That stuff in the refrigerator belonged to the Dreadnoks!” “We really gotta teach Torch not to leave his toe jam in the refrigerator,” Zarana groaned. “Ditto with Monkeywrench’s explosives,” Zandar agreed. “Secondly they were authorized to be there,” Mindbender added. “You wanted the break room redecorated right?” “Not in zombie janitor splatter,” Cobra Commander grumbled. “Again that was the Dreadnoks,” Mindbender huffed. “Okay that was Ripper who got a little carried away,” Zartan admitted. “And yes I know the Dreadnoks didn’t have to use those grenades in the break room and I had a talk with them.” “Which takes care of Article Seven of the agenda,” Cobra Commander interjected. “So sorry Mindbender about destroying half of your mind controlled zombie janitors,” Zartan rolled his eyes. “Don’t worry, I’ll just make another run to Home Depot or two,” Mindbender waved. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 90

“And FYI most of them were not technically zombies. Only a small amount of them were dead and reanimated using Cobra nanobots. Of course I suppose I can play around with a few limbs and make a few more Nano-Zombies…” “Nano-Zombies?” Destro asked. “That’s what I call my new creations,” Mindbender grinned. “Take some body parts, sew them all together, add some tiny microscopic computers and voila! You have an obendient happy group of workers. You just have to remember to power them down for four hours a day.” “Don’t they…smell?” Zarana wrinkled her nose. “Oh no, the nanobots take care of the rotting,” Mindbender waved. “Even reverse it to a degree. Just have to power wash them once they finish working. Of course I still haven’t figured out how to change their skin color back from green but other than that…” “Not all of them are dead right?” Zero asked. “No. There’s a good chunk of them that are merely mind controlled,” Mindbender waved. “See the ones that are not green we use where the public can see them and the others are behind the scenes. And best of all if someone from the first group dies…” “Which inevitably happens at least once a day,” Destro interjected. “I just fix them up! Inject some nanobots and add it to the second group,” Mindbender grinned. “Well that’s one way to be cost effective,” Cobra Commander said. “I have to admit Mindbender in all the years I’ve known you, you never let anything go to waste.” “Well there was some bacteria but you know?” Mindbender shrugged. “That was part of the plan anyway…” “Let’s move on to Item 8,” Cobra Commander went on. “Speaking of not letting things go to waste. I feel that it is time to recycle some old ideas and renew them. With a little tweaking the plans that failed in the past could work again today.” “You mean we’re going to redo some of our old plans which failed miserably? Oh God…” Destro moaned. “Now we have struck the bottom of the barrel!” “Look the important thing is that we learn from our mistakes!” Cobra Commander said. “And boy did we make a lot of them,” Zartan groaned. “If that were true Cobra would be some of the smartest individuals on the bloody planet,” Zarana added. “Item One,” Cobra Commander pressed on. “The Blizzardinator…” “That stupid thing!” Destro barked. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 91

“It was only the weather dominator stuck on one setting!” The Baroness complained. “I almost got frostbite that week,” Zandar grumbled. “Not that anyone cares…” “It was a good idea we can use again!” Cobra Commander explained. “We can use the power of ice and snow to bring the Eastern Seaboard to a halt!” “Didn’t Mother Nature already beat us to it?” The Baroness asked. “Well this year yeah!” Cobra Commander snapped. “But down the road…I don’t see why that plan failed. It was a good plan.” “A good plan? Seriously? Oh for crying out loud…” The Cobras groaned. “What? What was so bad about it?” Cobra Commander asked. “For starters the fact that our Blizzardinator was in the middle of a desert could have been a huge tip off!” Destro barked. “Seriously what were you thinking there?” Mindbender remarked. “I thought it was brilliant!” Cobra Commander defended. “Brilliantly stupid,” The Baroness grumbled. “Who would look for a snow making machine in the middle of the Sahara Desert?” Cobra Commander asked. “Anyone with a weather satellite or had access to the International Space Station?” Destro raised an eyebrow. “A very small group,” Cobra Commander waved. “A very small group that also had access to tanks and missiles!” Destro barked. “The GI Joes and the United States Army? Hello!” “Not to mention all those scientists that could see that giant huge white spot in the middle of the Sahara desert,” The Baroness snapped. “FROM OUTER SPACE!” “They were showing pictures of that huge snowstorm in the Sahara on the eleven o clock news all over the world!” Mindbender protested. “Okay! I hear what you’re saying! So our problem last time was location! Got it!” Cobra Commander waved. “Next time we’ll build it in Antarctica or somewhere else where it will blend in. Moving on…Remember the sea serpent we had built to rob ships of their wealth?” “Oh God no! How could you forget that monstrosity?” Destro yelled. “Relax Destro I’ve been going over my own plans and this time we will eliminate the flaws that were in the original design,” Mindbender waved. “And by flaws we mean that this one is going to be programed to obey me and not enslave me!” Cobra Commander snapped. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 92

“You know this one is going to bite you in the ass again right?” The Baroness groaned. “Again we move on,” Cobra Commander said. “Now remember Chicago and the giant plants?” “Oh no…” The entire group moaned as one. “Even I would think twice about doing that experiment again!” Mindbender snapped. “Well you don’t have to,” Cobra Commander said. “I tweaked the formula and started the experiment myself so…” “You?” Destro did a double take. “I am one of Cobra La’s greatest scientists remember?” Cobra Commander gave him a look. “Actually that part always eludes me for some reason,” Destro admitted. “Me too,” Mindbender nodded. “I just can’t see him in a lab.” “Exactly. Like can you picture the Commander wearing a lab coat?” Zero asked. “Pretty hard to imagine,” Zarana admitted. “Anyway…” Cobra Commander pressed on. “I changed the formula around so that the plants aren’t thirty feet tall but human sized. There is a very good possibility that with the right conditions they could be grown into weapons for Cobra!” A buzzer sounded. “WHAT?” Cobra Commander pushed a button on his wrist communicator. “I’m in a meeting here!” “Commander! The plants! The plants they….AAAAAAAAAAAAHH!” A blood curding scream was heard. “Speaking of things biting us in the ass…” The Baroness rolled her eyes. “Let me take a guess,” Cobra Commander sighed as he spoke into the communicator. “The plants have grown faster than expected. Mutated into some kind of killing fields and are currently tearing apart the lab? Am I right?” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!” The dying screams of the unknown flunky could be heard. “I hate it when this happens,” Cobra Commander groaned. “Commander? Where exactly did you put the formula? You didn’t put it in our water system did you?” Destro realized. “So that when the greens keepers water the lawn and shrubs they’d turn into monsters and eat the guests? No! I’m not that stupid!” Cobra Commander snapped. “I only put it in the lower sprinkler reserve system.” “Wait you put that formula in the lower sprinkler reserve system?” Mindbender did BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 93

a double take. “Yeah. That water doesn’t go outside the base or into the hotel,” Cobra Commander waved. “But it does go into the greenhouse!” Mindbender shouted. “You know? Where we’re growing all the pot!” “Uh oh,” Cobra Commander blinked. Another beep resounded from a phone on the table. Cobra Commander pressed the button for the speaker. Out came screams and yells of terror and limbs being torn apart. “That is never a good sign,” Cobra Commander groaned. Not long afterwards they were looking at the blood stained walls of the greenhouse. “Great. This is going to wreck our budget isn’t it?” Cobra Commander groaned. “Oh dear…” Destro winced. “Do you know the statistic that pot never really killed anyone?” “Yes,” Cobra Commander asked. “Can’t say that anymore,” Destro groaned. “Oops,” Cobra Commander gulped. “If you are one of the greatest scientific minds of Cobra La this explains why your race is going extinct,” The Baroness gave him a look. “I don’t recognize what’s left of the guys over here,” Zarana pointed to some corpses on the floor. “I do. Those two guys are some buyers for distributing our pot in Colorado,” Zero winced. “Yeah this will not be good for our ratings.” “Ratings?” Destro asked. “Yeah. You know how wine has ratings?” Zero said. “We were making our own high end brand. We call it Python’s Peak.” “Well the pythons have peaked all over this lab,” Destro looked around. “Someone’s still alive!” “Uhhhhh…” Vapor was lying on the floor, his left arm was gone. All that was left was a bloody stump. “Dude…Once my high wears off I am going to be so pissed…” “Well that’s lucky,” Cobra Commander said. “Dude! I lost an arm!” Vapor yelled. “Don’t worry. Mindbender can make you a replacement one,” Cobra Commander waved. “Would you like a robotic arm or a more natural one?” Mindbender asked cheerfully. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 94

“A little tip dude,” Zero said. “Go for the robot one.” “Where are all the plants?” Zartan looked around. Screams were heard down the hallway. “Oh great…” Cobra Commander groaned. “There goes my four o clock massage!” “Mindbender take Vapor to your lab and fix him up,” Destro ordered. “The rest of you grab a flamethrower and follow me!” “I’m going to grab a Harvey Wallbanger and go the opposite way,” Cobra Commander said. Later that day…. “So, is that little problem all taken care of?” Cobra Commander asked as he finished his drink in his office. The other Cobra High Command was there covered in blood, plant stains and scratches. “Well the good news is we stopped the killer plants before they made their way to the hotel,” Zartan sighed. “So no more guests were killed.” “And the bad news?” Destro groaned. “We lost a chunk of our new troops and half of accounting,” Zartan gave him a look. “More fodder for the Zombie Janitor Squad,” The Baroness quipped. “Cleaning up their own brains off the floor. How ironic.” “Ugh! I hate it when mishaps at work cut into my profits,” Cobra Commander grumbled. “I don’t think all the people maimed and dead appreciate these mishaps either,” Destro gave him a look. “Hey Cobra has comprehensive health care which is more than what half of the country has!” Cobra Commander pointed out. “Anyone gets injured they get the best and most radical treatment they can take to either get on their feet again or…Well let’s just say Cobra has a lot of job openings that can be readily filled.” “And I was able to use one of my mutated limbs I grow in the lab to give Vapor a new arm! Bingo Bango!” Mindbender said cheerfully. “Is it at least a human arm this time?” Destro asked. “Mostly,” Mindbender shrugged. “I mean there are scales on it and kind of light green but no claws. And it’s twice as strong as before. Thanks to my years of research and free experimentations with nanobot surgery, he’s good to go!” “And all on Cobra’s dime to boot,” Cobra Commander said cheerfully. “You have to admit it’s better than Obamacare!” “And that’s the truly frightening part,” Destro sighed. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 95

Chapter 14 What About The Talking Panda? “I don’t believe this!” Cobra Commander snarled. He glared at the Twins in the conference room. “This is all your fault!” “How can this be our fault…?” Xamot began. “When Mindbender and Vapor are in charge of their departments?” Tomax added. “You idiots are in charge of security!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Of course it’s your fault!” “Losers,” Zero was in the room as well grinning. “It’s not our fault!” Tomax snarled. “Yes it is,” Zero said. “No it is not!” Xamot snarled. “You’re in charge of security. Meaning you’re in charge of keeping all the messes secure as well as our buildings safe,” Zero pointed out. “He’s right! He’s completely right!” Cobra Commander snarled. “THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! WHY AM I SURROUNDED BY INCOMPETENT MORONS?” “Oh what fresh hell are we in now?” Destro sighed as he and the rest of the Cobra high command entered the conference room. “Remember the wild sentient marijuana plants we had to destroy a week ago?” Zero drawled. “We didn’t get all of them.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 96

“How…?” Destro began. “Some of them were small enough to get through the vents,” Xamot remarked. “And they managed to make their way outside,” Tomax explained. “Onto the grounds of the hotel…” Xamot groaned. “And other parts of the island…” Tomax finished. “There’s already been three attacks on the hotel grounds and two rumors of weird killer plants that make you hallucinate in the local park,” Zero groaned. “Okay yeah it is the Twins’ fault,” Destro nodded. “Completely,” The Baroness agreed. “All their fault,” Zartan said. “Typical Crimson Guard incompetence,” Mindbender added. “Bloody morons,” Zarana sniffed. “Can’t count on them for anything,” Zandar agreed. “NOW WAIT A MINUTE!” Xamot yelled. “You lot were supposed to help destroy all the plants too!” Tomax snapped. “Yeah why do you think they’re agreeing with the Commander so fast?” Zero snorted. “But they’re not in charge of security. You are. So they are not at fault if they miss one or two…dozen plants.” “Zero is absolutely right,” Zartan nodded. “It was your job to contain them, not ours!” Mindbender agreed. “I always liked Zero,” Zandar admitted aloud. “No wonder Cobra Commander had to put him in charge of business and finance,” The Baroness shrugged. “Seeing how incompetent the Twins are.” “I know! How am I supposed to do any decent experimenting if I can’t count on the Twins to keep my subjects contained?” Mindbender asked. “You can’t really,” Zartan agreed. “Your job is to make the monsters. Not keep them in line!” “Exactly!” Mindbender agreed. “And I already have a backlog of work that needs to be done so I can’t worry about every little escaped project too!” “That reminds me is there any information on the giant talking panda?” Cobra Commander asked. “Yeah apparently he got out by stealing a large overcoat and a hat and mingling in BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 97

among the guests at the casino,” Zartan remarked. “Just walked right out the bloody front door!” Zarana added. “Way to go you Twin Twerps!” “It’s not our fault!” Xamot shouted. “We were trying to destroy those stupid mutant weeds!” Tomax added. “Which you failed to do,” Zero said. “Will you shut your pie hole Steve?” Xamot snarled. “You shut your pie holes!” Zero snapped. “Zero’s right! Shut your pie holes before I shut them for you!” Cobra Commander snarled. “I swear I don’t know why I put up with you two idiots! I really don’t!” “Hey!” Tomax protested. “You wouldn’t even have this base…” Xamot began. “Or this casino without us!” Tomax added. “Which you tried to hide from us,” Zero began. “You are such a suck up Steve!” Tomax snarled. Cobra Commander then slapped Tomax and Xamot across the face. “OW!” The twins shouted. “You were warned about shutting your pie holes,” Cobra Commander remarked. He slapped them again. “That’s because you’re incompetent. And this is because I feel like it!” Once more he slapped them. “Ow….” The Twins winced. “Now that the twins have been properly chastised,” Destro drawled as the Cobras sat down. “Can we please get back to the point of this meeting?” “For that I’ll give Zero the floor,” Cobra Commander waved. “Take it away Zero.” “See I had a thought,” Zero began. “Stop the presses…” Xamot quipped. “Zero had a thought,” Tomax added. “Shut it,” Zero snarled at the twins before continuing. “Remember a lot of our old weapons and devices? Like the Blizzardinator and other equipment that was confiscated by GI Joe?” “Yes,” Xamot grumbled. “So what?” Tomax added. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 98

“So why bother to rebuild some of our old weapons and devices if we could just track down where they’re being stored and steal them back?” Zero asked. “That’s brilliant Zero!” Cobra Commander beamed. “At least someone around here is doing their job!” “Kiss up,” Tomax grumbled. Xamot made a face. “But how are you going to find out where the information is stored?” The Baroness asked. “Uh this little thing called Wikileaks?” Zero gave her a look. “You don’t mean…” Destro was stunned. “Yeah between that and Snowden’s blog pretty much every secret the government has is online,” Mindbender nodded. “It was pretty easy to find the building where they moved the backup Cobra files.” “Backup Cobra files?” The Baroness raised an eyebrow. “You mean the information isn’t stored at the Pentagon?” “Not anymore,” Zero shook his head. “About twelve years ago almost all the Cobra files the Pentagon had were transferred to another building because Cobra was reclassified as ‘almost obsolete’ and ‘non-essential’,” He made quotes with his fingers. “Okay now that’s just insulting,” Cobra Commander grumbled. “Yes but that also means Cobra is below the radar which is not a bad place to be,” Destro reminded him. “The main files are of course at the Pit with GI Joe but the copies of the backups were transferred,” Mindbender said. “And you will never guess where they were moved to! A secret government building right in Miami!” “It was so easy to get the address all we had to do was google it,” Zero nodded. “And finding the building was a piece of cake.” “You went there already and got the information?” Destro was stunned. “How?” “Remember my mind control gum?” Mindbender grinned. “I decided a test run in the real world would be practical.” “You didn’t…” The Baroness was stunned. “I did,” Mindbender said. “You’d be surprised how many government employees would take anything free.” “Not really,” Cobra Commander grunted. “Pretty smart if you think about it,” Zero said. “If it worked we have a government building under our control. If you didn’t…Well no one would notice anyway.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 99

“And it did work,” Mindbender said triumphantly. “Now we have the exact location of where almost all our surviving experiments and equipment are stored!” “That’s fantastic!” Cobra Commander cackled with glee. “Zero and Mindbender you two have outdone yourselves!” “So where is this stash of Cobra contraband?” Zandar asked. “Uh you’re gonna laugh when you hear this,” Mindbender coughed nervously. “Do you remember our old base in Oklahoma?” “The one under the chicken restaurant? Yes I remember,” Destro remarked. “Vividly.” “To this day the smell of chicken makes me nauseous,” The Baroness wrinkled her nose. “Now remember all those warehouses the next street over…?” Mindbender added. “You’re joking,” Destro gave him a look. “Are you telling me all our stuff was only a block away and…?” Cobra Commander fumed. “YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!” He then slapped the Crimson Guards again. “OW!” The Twins shouted. “What was…?” Xamot began. “That for?” Tomax finished. “For not knowing about the warehouses where our stuff was!” Cobra Commander yelled. “How is that our fault?” Xamot yelled. “It just is!” Cobra Commander hissed. “Well what about the Dreadnoks?” Tomax pointed. “They didn’t know either!” “Please! The Dreadnoks can barely find their own shoes much less our equipment!” Destro sneered. He looked at Zartan. “Offense intended of course.” “Yeah but in this case you do have a valid point,” Zartan shrugged. “You’re just trying to pass the buck you stupid…” Tomax began. Which earned him and his brother another slap from Cobra Commander. “Why don’t you slap Destro? He’s second in command!” Xamot yelled. “Well that’s just stupid,” Cobra Commander said. “Destro wears a metal mask. I’m not going to hurt my hand on him!” “But you are going to wear yourself out if you keep hitting them so may I?” Destro pointed to the twins. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 100

“Knock yourself out. Or better yet, knock them out!” Cobra Commander shrugged. Destro walked over and whacked the twins across the face so hard they fell out of their seats. “Ooh! Good one!” “Ooh! I want a turn!” Zero spoke up. “Me too!” Zartan grinned. “After the meeting,” Cobra Commander told them. “Now…How are we going to get our equipment back here?” “Simple we’ll use our private jets to fly down there and then steal some trucks at the airport for transport,” The Baroness shrugged. “We have a small fleet of private jets?” Cobra Commander blinked. “I mean of course we do! All right! Everyone be ready to leave in two hours.” “Why two hours instead of one?” Destro asked. “I booked a forty five minute massage so…” Cobra Commander shrugged. “What? Those are difficult to cancel! And I’m stressed!” “You’re stressed?” Xamot snapped as he and his brother got up. “Yes I am! Now if there is nothing else…” Cobra Commander started to leave. “Uh one more question,” Zandar raised his hand. “What about the talking panda that escaped?” “Oh yeah. That,” Cobra Commander groaned. “It wouldn’t be good for us if someone captured it or if by some deranged plot twist it managed to find its way to the Joes.” “You think?” Destro gave him a look. “You want us to uh…” Tomax began. “NO! I don’t want you two idiots to bungle that job again!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Mindbender and I will handle it ourselves!” “Ooh! Goody! We’re going on safari!” Mindbender grinned. “After we get our stuff back!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Does that go for the weed too? Because uh…” Zero scratched his head. “I seriously wouldn’t mind getting in on that hunt.” “Hang on,” Zartan realized. “Maybe you could use more people on the weed hunt?” “Yeah I know for a fact the Dreadnoks would love it,” Zandar nodded. “Yeah okay,” Cobra Commander sighed. “Why not? We’ll make a day of it.” “I am surrounded by morons…” Destro moaned under his breath. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 101

Chapter 15 The Awkward Giraffe “Why do we have to do this again?” Tomax grumbled. He and his brother were dressed in black turtlenecks with jeans and workboots with matching black skull caps. The twins had gotten out of a large truck. “Because they left Zero and Mindbender back at the base to make sure things are running smoothly,” Xamot grumbled in an angry tone. “Cobra Commander took Zartan and his Dreadnoks to quote ‘do some reconnaissance at our old base’…” “Recon my freezing ass,” Tomax snarled. “How much you want to bet Cobra Commander is going to burn down the old chicken restaurant just to get back at Mongoose Incorporated?” “And Destro and the Baroness are going to steal another truck to help us but you know they’re going to take their sweet time and make out…” Xamot added. “Typical. Those two screwing around while we do all the work…” Tomax grumbled as they made their way to the warehouse. Just then the warehouse door opened. “Oh hello boys…” The former Cadet/Commander Deming stood there wearing a black jumpsuit and a big smile. “Good to see you again.” “Deming!” Xamot gasped. “What are you doing here you traitorous wench?” Tomax snarled. “Oh just taking some of Cobra’s stuff to sell to the highest bidder,” Deming shrugged. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 102

“My E network deal fell through so I’m going to do some arms selling. Did you know there was a whole butt load of Cobra crap right across from where our old base was?” “We’re aware of it,” Tomax folded his arms. “But how did you…?” Xamot began. “Crystal Ball,” Deming shrugged. “I got him in my settlement package when I was let go from Mongoose Incorporated to pursue other options.” “You mean fired…” Xamot smirked. “When Zarana uploaded your sex videos online,” Tomax snarled. “Have you forgotten the two of you were in those sex videos too?” Deming gave them a look. “As much fun has it been reminiscing about old times…” Tomax began. “This property belongs to Cobra!” Xamot and his brother whipped out their weapons. “And we’re going to take you back for some…” “Interrogation,” Tomax grinned. “Okay,” Deming shrugged. “You know there’s a trampoline and a trapeze set in the back. You guys wanna…You know? For old times’ sake?” “Oh please!” Xamot rolled his eyes. “How gullible do you think we are?” Tomax bristled. “I also have some whipped cream and wearing my special costume under here,” Deming coyly unzipped her jumpsuit to reveal something very lacy in blue and red. “Then again…” Tomax blinked. “I suppose it couldn’t hurt to reminisce a little,” Xamot added. “Exactly,” Deming purred. “And I’m just one woman. I’m sure you two big strong men can handle me. Can’t you…?” “She does have a point,” Xamot looked at his brother. “We are stronger than her physically,” Tomax admitted. “And I’ve been doing more yoga lessons,” Deming made a seductive grin. “I’ve finally mastered the Awkward Giraffe pose.” “Where’s the trampoline again?” Xamot asked. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO “I knew we shouldn’t have sent those two ahead of us,” The Baroness grumbled as Destro pulled up the truck to the warehouse about forty five minutes later. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 103

“We needed another truck and had to cover our tracks so no one would notice if we stole them,” Destro remarked. “We were just lucky that most of the people at that trucking company were on a lunch break.” “And we had some of Mindbender’s chewing gum for those that remained,” The Baroness grinned. “I can’t believe this place isn’t even guarded.” “Probably budget cuts and an offline security system,” Destro said. “Hopefully the twins…” HONK! HONK! Another truck barreled past them. “What the devil?” Destro did a double take. “That maniac almost hit us!” “Is it me or did that maniac look familiar?” The Baroness frowned. “I didn’t get a good look but…” “Baroness…The warehouse door is still open,” Destro pointed. “Oh this does not bode well,” The Baroness grumbled as the two got out of the truck and pulled out their weapons. They cautiously made their way inside. They both couldn’t help but notice the warehouse was mostly empty. In the back of the warehouse they saw a sight. Xamot and Tomax hanging naked by their ankles from a trapeze. They had handcuffs on their feet to the trapeze and were handcuffed back to back. They were tied up in ribbon and were barely covered up with ribbon and whipped cream. “What the devil…?” Destro’s jaw dropped. “I knew it,” The Baroness groaned. “They screwed it up.” “More like screwing around!” Destro snarled. “What the hell happened?” “Uh…” Xamot gulped. “You are not going to believe this…” Tomax added. “Try me,” Destro growled as he folded his arms. “Well uh we encountered some…” Xamot winced. “Resistance…” “I can see that,” Destro drawled. “Oh you poor things,” The Baroness said sarcastically. “You much have put up such a fight!” “Believe it or not yes,” Tomax winced. “To be fair Deming is better at the Awkward Giraffe pose than we thought.” “DEMING? I thought I recognized…” The Baroness seethed. “Let me take a wild guess to what happened! Don’t tell me…You caught Deming stealing Cobra’s possessions and then she caught you in a trapeze and whipped cream trap! Am I right?” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 104

“There was also a trampoline…” Xamot admitted. “She pulled it away.” “Deming stole all the equipment in here, am I right?” Destro groaned. “Most of it,” Tomax admitted. “Uh you see that smoldering pile of garbage over there…?” “Some of it got kind of wrecked during…” Xamot began. “STOP!” Destro held up his hand. “I don’t want to know what depraved insane escapades happened here!” “You boys are really in for it now,” The Baroness smirked. “More than you know…” Tomax moaned. “There’s more?” Destro was incredulous. “You actually screwed up this mission worse than this?” “Uh yeah…” Xamot was embarrassed. “Apparently Deming…” “Had several security cameras running and…” Tomax winced. “She made another sex tape with you two?” The Baroness’s jaw dropped. “Yeah…” Tomax winced. “On the plus side it’s bound to be a best seller…” Xamot winced as well. “So to recap all our stuff is either stolen by Deming or wrecked?” The Baroness groaned. “And she used these twin twerps to satisfy her bank account!” “Typical,” Destro groaned. “Those two screwing around while we do all the work!” In the distance several sirens could be heard. “All right! All of you better get your rears in gear!” Cobra Commander shouted as he arrived on scene. “The Dreadnoks and I managed a distraction. And by distraction I had Torch burn down the old chicken restaurant above our old hideout.” “Called it,” Tomax spoke to his brother. “What the hell is this?” Cobra Commander did a double take at the scene. “No, wait. Let me guess…Somehow Deming was involved wasn’t she?” “How very astute of you Cobra Commander,” Destro sighed. Cobra Commander looked the twins over. “Awkward Giraffe?” “Awkward Giraffe,” Tomax sighed. “Wait how do you…?” Xamot asked. “I’ve seen some of Deming’s sex tapes online,” Cobra Commander admitted. “Well you’re going to see another very soon,” The Baroness grumbled. “The point is BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 105

thanks to the twin twits she stole everything in this warehouse!” “What about the other warehouse?” Cobra Commander asked. “Other warehouse?” The Twins said as one. “Ugh do I have to think of and remember everything around here?” Cobra Commander threw up his hands. “Yes there is another warehouse with our stuff in it! Remember what Zero and Mindbender said?” “Oh right,” The Baroness remembered. “I’d forgotten.” “We’d better check it out,” Destro said. The three Cobras went to do so. Leaving behind the Crimson Twins. “Hello?” Tomax asked. “Can someone get us down?” Xamot asked. “Or at the very least give us our pants?” Tomax asked. The other three Cobras ignored them and went to the next warehouse. They found the Dreadnoks inside of it. “Oi! Cobra Commander this mission is a piece of cake!” Buzzer called out. “Yeah it was so easy,” Ripper agreed. “Someone already shut down the security system.” “And we found a couple of guards out like a light,” Torch added. “Someone really knocked them out good.” “Gotta hand it to her,” Destro said to Cobra Commander. “For a traitorous thieving witch she knows how to get things done.” “Yes, why didn’t I ever promote her again?” Cobra Commander asked. “You hated her,” The Baroness reminded him. “So? I hate everybody,” Cobra Commander said. “I hate all of you but that never stopped me from letting you help run Cobra.” “It was so easy getting away from the cops,” Monkeywrench grinned. “Especially after we blew up the chicken shack.” “My heart overfloweth with joy,” Cobra Commander said sarcastically. “Where are the Crimson Twins?” Zarana looked around. “Oh I’m sure they’re hanging around somewhere,” Cobra Commander waved. “Is there anything good in this dump?” “You tell me,” Zartan pointed to rows of giant boxes filled with weapons and other equipment. “Yeah that’ll work,” Cobra Commander remarked. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 106

Chapter 16 Cobra Commander’s Sexy Dance Party

“I can’t believe we actually got some of our old weapons back,” Zarana shook her head as the Cobras sat down for another meeting in the conference room. “I can’t believe that the Crimson Twits let Deming steal from them, again,” Zartan huffed. “Oh wait. Yes I can!” “Shut up Zartan,” The fully clothed Crimson Twins snapped as one. “Actually I’m amazed there’s anything left considering their past history,” Donald, the intelligent personality of Road Pig spoke up. “F-for once we d-didn’t screw things up!” Road Pig then spoke up. “My sentiments exactly,” Cobra Commander nodded. “By the way Zartan why are your Dreadnoks here again?” “Not all of them are here,” Zartan frowned. “I’m having Zanzibar refuel our vehicles.” “Just make sure the bloke don’t sniff all the gas is what I’m saying,” Torch grumbled. “Yes that’s your specialty,” The Baroness quipped. “Exactly!” Torch snapped. “I’m telling you Zartan your uncle is wearing out his bloody welcome!” “We so needed a break from him,” Buzzer nodded. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 107

“Trouble in Dreadnok Paradise?” Destro raised an eyebrow. “And how!” Monkeywrench groaned. “I thought that bloke Thrasher was annoying but Zanzibar makes him look like a bloody genius!” “Yes, yes we all hate Zanzibar especially me!” Zartan snapped. “You think I want him around after he screwed up my meal ticket?” “Didn’t you already do that with the…” Torch began. Zartan gave him a look. “Okay shutting up.” “Let’s get back on track shall we?” Cobra Commander sighed. “We’ve got a few good weapons and plans we can revisit and redo. We can work on that for now…” “Cobra Commander have you ever heard the saying those who forget history often repeat it?” Destro asked. “I know that phrase,” Monkeywrench spoke up. “I had to repeat history class three years in a row before I figured out how to pass it.” “And I’m guessing you passed by cheating? Am I correct?” Zartan asked in a weary tone. “Eventually,” Monkeywrench nodded. “Here’s something else I learned, if you’re gonna cheat on a test. Make sure you cheat off of someone who actually knows the answers!” “A very intelligent deduction,” Monkeywrench,” Zartan sighed. “And I also learned that if you do cheat off someone who knows the answers, make sure you don’t get them so drunk the night before they fall asleep during the test!” Monkeywrench added. “That’s kind of why it took me three years to pass the class.” “That would do it,” Destro sighed. “I loved my history class in high school,” Ripper spoke up. “That’s because you were banging half the girls in there,” Buzzer snorted. “I loved my history class too!” Torch spoke up. “That’s because you were banging the teacher!” Buzzer added. “Mrs. Pazzinova,” Torch sighed. “Boy she was hot. And I learned a lot from her!” “Obviously the woman didn’t teach ethics,” The Baroness rolled her eyes. “Dang I should have banged my teacher,” Monkeywrench grumbled. “Oh wait, my teacher was a dude. Then again…He wore a wig all the time. And looked pretty good in a dress.” “Can we cut away from Saved by the Bell the Dreadnok Years and go back to some kind of intelligent discussion about our plans?” Destro asked. “Or whatever passes for BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 108

it around here.” “Gladly,” Cobra Commander was eager to change the topic as well. “We’re not going to completely redo our plans. At least without some severe upgrades. In the meantime we have other schemes to work on! Like backing and producing a new movie!” “You mean a new porno?” Zarana rolled her eyes. “Po-tay-to, po-tato,” Cobra Commander waved. “Come on half the movies out there are practically pornos anyway! And half the shows on cable now that I think about it.” “Not this again,” Destro groaned. “What?” Cobra Commander asked. “What do you mean by that?” “We truly have forgotten our history haven’t we?” Destro sighed. “Cobra Commander must I once again regale you with the tale of the last time you tried this?” “Oh yeah…” Torch remembered. “He did make a porno once didn’t he?” “If you can call it that,” Buzzer groaned. “The year was 1987,” Destro began to drawl. “And Cobra Commander with Dr. Mindbender had come up with a seemingly foolproof idea to plant subliminal mind control into a large percentage of the population. Namely put it in some porn.” “It was a good plan in theory,” Mindbender spoke up. “Too bad the execution wasn’t so great,” Destro groaned. “Neither was the directing, the acting…” Torch went on. “The cinematography sucked man!” “Everyone’s a critic…” Cobra Commander grumbled. “To this day the film ‘The Many Lives and Loves of Cobra Commander’ is considered the Ishtar of the pornography world!” Destro glared at Cobra Commander. “Hey! A lot of good stuff got cut and ended up on the editing room floor!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Oh sure blame me!” Mindbender rolled his eyes. “I could only do so much with what I had to work with!” “To be fair the editing was the only halfway decent part about that film,” Torch spoke up. “A bit choppy but considering…” “What are you? A porn film critic?” Cobra Commander snapped. “Actually yeah,” Torch spoke up. “I have my own blog and everything. Under a fake name of course. And I’m pretty well respected online too!” “A well respected sleezeball is still a sleezeball,” The Baroness huffed. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 109

“Hang on,” Buzzer did a double take. “You wouldn’t happen to be Lord Firecrotch are you?” “Yeah that’s me, how did you guess?” Torch asked. “Not that difficult considering your history,” Zartan groaned. “Torch actually knows how to write a blog?” Zandar spoke up. “May I continue…?” Destro sighed. “I read some of your reviews and they’re really good,” Monkeywrench spoke to Torch. “Really?” Torch asked. “Yes I thought you were spot on about Glinda Does Gloscow,” Monkeywrench nodded. “And your position on blooper reels.” “Oh come on! Blooper reels are funny,” Ripper said. “Yeah but kind of a turn off,” Torch spoke up. “They’re not meant to be a turn off,” Ripper spoke up. “Dude the point of pornography is to turn on…” Torch began. “You see what you started?” Destro yelled at Cobra Commander. “We’re back to this insanity again! Is this what you want?” “I see your point,” Cobra Commander sighed. “But I know where I went wrong last time. This time we’ll use real women instead of synthoids.” “Yeah real women don’t explode under hot lights,” Mindbender grumbled. “Do you have any idea how many times I had to edit that out? Not a turn on when a woman explodes during…” “That was your stupid formula!” Cobra Commander snapped. “I told you that batch was unstable!” Mindbender snapped. “If you waited a day I could have…” “We couldn’t wait a day! We were losing the light!” Cobra Commander snapped. “We lost a fortune!” Destro snapped. “Why didn’t you use real women?” Zandar asked. “It was a financial issue,” Cobra Commander waved. “He didn’t want to pay them,” Destro added. “Some money saver,” Mindbender grumbled. “It cost us twice as much to get exploded synthoid out of the carpet!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 110

“This time we are using real women!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Mostly.” “Oh God here we go again…” Destro moaned. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO “This is going to be a disaster,” Destro remarked as he stood around the set of the latest Cobra cinematic venue. It looked like a high class English drawing room. “Then why are you here?” Zartan asked. He was also there along with Torch, Zandar and Monkeywrench. Torch and Monkeywrench were operating the cameras. “Oh like I’m going to miss this?” Destro pointed to a bevy of several scantily clad women getting ready on set. “That’s why we’re here,” Monkeywrench admitted. “I’m amazed there aren’t any more Dreadnoks here,” Destro remarked. “Yeah well…I needed them to do some other things,” Zartan waved. “Like what?” Destro asked. “Like play Piñata with Zanzibar,” Zandar smirked. “I tell you for once it wasn’t an easy decision,” Monkeywrench spoke up. “Go to a porn set or beat up Zanzibar all day.” “I can see your dilemma,” Destro admitted. “Good thing the other blokes are taping it,” Torch said. “All right everyone! We gotta get this in one take!” Cobra Commander called out. He was wearing a shiny version of his uniform. “Cobra Commander’s Sexy Dance Party!” “Cobra Commander’s Sexy Dance Party?” Destro blinked. “Dude even I know this is just a rip off of Family Guy,” Torch spoke up. “Just shut up and let me focus on my lines!” Cobra Commander snapped. “What lines?” Zandar asked. “According to the script all you do is dance around and then have an orgy.” “How did you get your hands on the script?” Destro asked. “I co-wrote it with Cobra Commander,” Zandar said. “And FYI, never co-write a porn script with Cobra Commander.” “I gathered that yeah,” Destro sighed. “Commander…” “Don’t worry Destro this time I’m going to leave my helmet on so no one can see my face,” Cobra Commander waved. “Quiet on the set! Let’s roll!” “Well I tried to warn him…” Destro sighed. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 111

“Turn on the music and action!” Cobra Commander called out. “Girls! Get into position!” The music turned on and the ‘actresses’ started to dance around. How ya doin’ Commander? Cobra! Cobra! How ya doing Commander? Cobra! Cobra! How ya doin’ Commander? Cobra! Cobra! “And all the ladies say I’m pretty fly for a bad guy!” Cobra Commander sang. “Not this song again…” Zartan rolled his eyes. “This actually surprises you?” Destro groaned. BOOOOOOM! “Not as much as that!” Zartan blinked when one of the women suddenly exploded. BOOM! BOOM! “What the hell?” Cobra Commander yelled as goop and fire exploded on the set. “AAAAH!” “As I was trying to inform you earlier, Cobra Commander,” Destro said. “Raoul called earlier and said because of contract issues most of the actresses that were scheduled to appear couldn’t. So Mindbender cloned synthoids for you instead.” BOOM! BOOOM! BOOOOOM! “And apparently this is not one of the more stable batches,” Destro sighed as more ‘women’ kept exploding. “Oh what a rip!” Torch snapped. “There’s not even any real women in this thing!” “AAAAAH! MY HAIR! AAAAAHH!” “Oh there’s some real women,” Torch remarked. “Real women actually scream when they get set on fire.” “AAAAAAH!” “Ooo, getting a spray on tan was a bad idea,” Monkeywrench shook his head. “Well I always said those things were unhealthy,” Torch remarked. “AAAAH! STOP DROP AND ROLL! STOP DROP AND ROLL!” Cobra ComBD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 112

mander yelled as his backside was on fire. He rolled to the ground only to make the flames bigger. “Uh it probably would help if you didn’t roll in the explosive synthoid goop…” Monkeywrench suggested. “Better take a step back,” Destro warned. Zartan and Zandar did so. FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! “AAAAAAAAAHHH!” Cobra Commander screamed in agony as the flames engulfed his body. “Yeah this is pretty much how I thought it would go,” Destro sighed. “I missed Zanzibar getting beat up for this?” Monkeywrench groaned in disappointment. “Maybe if we hurry we can catch the end of it?” Torch asked. “Go, I’ll finish taping this,” Zartan shrugged as he took over one of the cameras from Torch. “Yeah why not?” Destro sighed as he took the other camera. “Might as well salvage something from this mess.” “At least now we have a double feature for movie night,” Zandar shrugged.

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Chapter 17 Look Fashionable For The Apocalypse

“So how long is Cobra Commander going to be in the infirmary?” Zero asked the Cobras sitting around the recreation room. “Not as long as you would think, unfortunately,” Destro sighed. “This is hardly the first time our dear commander has caught on fire.” “And I’ve pretty much perfected the burn treatment machine so he should be up and about and making us all miserable within a few days,” Mindbender waved. “So we’d better enjoy it while we can,” The Baroness agreed. “Hey have you ever noticed that for years we’ve been shooting at GI Joe and they’ve been shooting at us and we never hit each other?” Torch spoke up. “But for some reason Cobra hurts ourselves like crazy?” “Especially lately,” Zero realized. “I wonder why that is?” “Mocha Rum latte anyone?” Zandar asked. He was standing by a drink machine. “Ooh I could go for that,” Mindbender agreed. “I prefer a shot of Disorono myself,” Destro took out a small flask and added it to his coffee. “Crème de le coca for me,” The Baroness took out her flask. Soon all the Cobras were drinking their doctored coffee. “This is still so weird for me,” Vapor looked at his slightly green arm with claws. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 114

“I told you to go for the robot arm,” Zero gave him a look. “Yeah but I wanted it to be more natural,” Vapor admitted. “Green scales and claws. That’s natural all right,” Buzzer snorted. “So now what?” The Baroness asked. “Business as usual until the Commander is out of the infirmary,” Destro shrugged. “Or…” Monkeywrench spoke up. “We could throw ourselves a kick ass party!” “It’s not the worst idea he’s ever had,” Zartan admitted. Destro made a disapproving sigh. “Come on Destro,” Torch spoke up. “Don’t be a party pooper like usual!” “Yeah what’s the one thing you always wanted to do but Cobra Commander would never let you?” Zero spoke up. “Well…” Destro admitted. “There is one thing I have to admit but…No, it’s ridiculous.” “More ridiculous than our commander being set on fire by unstable living blow up dolls?” Monkeywrench spoke up. “Come on!” “I know what it is,” The Baroness snickered. “You promised you’d never tell,” Destro glared at her. “What is it?” Zero asked. “It’s not that bad,” The Baroness said to Destro. “I’m not going to do it,” Destro grumbled. “Come on! You know you want to and it’s not half as embarrassing as what happened to the Crimson Twits with Deming,” The Baroness pointed out. “Hey!” The Crimson Twins snapped. “You have a point,” Destro shrugged. “I suppose it couldn’t hurt.” “What? What is it?” Zartan asked intrigued. “Well…” Destro began. Thirty minutes later in that same conference room… “So don’t forget who’s taking you home and in whose arms you’re gonna be…” Destro sang using the karaoke machine. “So darling save the last dance for me!” “Damn,” Zarana whistled as she took a drink. “He’s actually good!” “Told you,” The Baroness agreed as she drank. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 115

“Great. We can’t even put this on the Internet to humiliate him,” Zartan grumbled as he drank. “With his luck he’d probably win Scotland’s Got Talent or something.” “Yes he’s doing quite well,” Mindbender nodded. “Especially after I put a little something in his drink to loosen him up.” “What?” The Baroness blinked. Then she felt a little lightheaded. “Mindbender what did you…do?” Everything exploded into rainbows all around her. “Oooh pretty…” The Baroness blinked and started to giggle. “What the hell is your…problem?” Zarana looked around. “Oi! Who let all those giant butterflies in here? And why do they have the heads of the cast of Arrested Development?” “Mindbender you….AAAAH!” Zartan jumped and ran on top of a table. “The floor is lava! I’m not kidding the floor is literally lava!” “Oops,” Mindbender blinked. “I think maybe I put a little too much extra encouragement in the drinks.” Torch looked around. Now there were tap dancing alligators dancing around the room. “Seems fine to me,” Torch shrugged. “Not your fault these guys are a bunch of lightweights.” “What are you seeing?” Mindbender asked. “Tap dancing alligators,” Torch shrugged and took another drink. “Hmm, I was going for pink showgirl crocodiles but close enough,” Mindbender took a drink himself. “Oh yeah there they are. Right by the bar.” “Cool. This is gonna be a fun night,” Torch grinned as all the Cobras started to freak out. The following day… “I have to admit, every now and then Mindbender gets an invention right,” Cobra Commander grumbled as he stormed down the hallway. “Of course I wouldn’t need my own personal burn unit if his stupid synthoids didn’t explode every…” When he turned the corner he was met with an odd sight. Zarana was using a sledgehammer to knock down walls. “Zarana what the hell are you doing?” Cobra Commander snapped. “Not now Commander!” Zarana snapped. “I gotta find the banana stand! There’s always money in the banana stand!” “O-kaaaaaay,” Cobra Commander blinked as she cackled wildly while swinging the sledgehammer. He turned around and went the other way. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 116

He walked past another office with a door open and saw Ripper, Buzzer and Monkeywrench dancing a ballet wearing nothing but pink tutus. “Nothing out of the ordinary here,” Cobra Commander remarked before he moved on. He saw Zero and Vapor doing the tango down the hall. Vapor was wearing a bright green dress. He saw Destro shirtless in another room setting a guitar on fire on his knees doing a Jimi Hendrix impression. Then he saw the Baroness skipping around dancing and laughing. “Okay the Baroness in a happy mood? Now I’m worried,” Cobra Commander grumbled. He went into another room where he saw Road Pig sitting at a desk wearing a suit. “Road Pig what the hell is going on here?” “Hello, I’m Donald Newsman and this is your five O’Clock news,” Road Pig spoke using his Donald persona voice. “Our top story, the economy is collapsing and there’s nothing you can do about it.” “That’s not all that’s collapsing around here,” Cobra Commander groaned. “Mostly my will to remain sober.” “For more on this story we go to our roving reporter Tiffany Binklewing,” Donald said. “Tiffany how’s it going out there?” Then Road Pig put on a blonde wig. “It’s chaos and madness out there Donald,” Road Pig spoke in a very feminine voice. “But you can look fashionable for the Apocalypse for just a few dollars and save yourself a lot of money.” “Great, just what we need,” Cobra Commander remarked. “Another new personality from Road Pig. If this keeps up he’ll be able to do one man dinner theater shows.” “And now we’ll go to the weather with Zartan,” Tiffany said happily. “Zartan?” “EVERYTHING IS BURNING!” Zartan screamed. He was crouched naked on a table in the corner. “LAVA EVERYWHERE!” “Okay I’ve seen enough,” Cobra Commander left the room. “It’s the same old news anyway.” “AND NOW THERE’S A SHARKNADO!” Zartan screamed. “WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!” “Why the hell can’t I get a decent staff to work for me?” Cobra Commander asked as he walked away. “Is everyone on my payroll a complete and utter lunatic?” “We represent the Lollypop Guild! The Lollypop Guild!” Mindbender tap danced by him carrying two large lollypops. “We represent the Lollypop Guild! We wish you all a pleasant visit to Mindbender Land!” “Stupid question…” Cobra Commander moaned. “Hey Commander,” Torch walked by calmly carrying a glass of alcohol. “Nice to see you up and about. You missed one hell of a party last night!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 117

“Let me take a wild guess,” Cobra Commander sighed. “Mindbender drugged you all didn’t he?” “Yup,” Torch nodded as he took another drink. “It’s got a pretty good kick too.” “Wait if you took the drug too how come you’re not acting crazy?” Cobra Commander asked. “And even as I asked the question I realized the answer. You’re already crazy!” “True dat,” Torch nodded. “Now if you excuse me Commander I gotta go play some pool with some crocodiles. Or are they alligators? I can never remember,” He walked away. “I’m out of commission for a day and this whole place goes bananas,” Cobra Commander grumbled. “This is why I can never retire!”

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Chapter 18 It’s Called Networking “What the hell is going on now?” Destro asked as he walked into the huge party going on in the pool area of the casino. “Who are all these people? And why are you throwing a party?” “Let’s just say I was inspired by your little freak out the other day,” Cobra Commander told him. He was standing by a grill wearing an apron saying: Obey the Cook or Else. “That was not my fault! That was Mindbender!” Destro hissed. “Did I say it was your fault? No! I said it was a freak out,” Cobra Commander snapped. “Anyway I figured since you guys had so much fun why not throw a party for other people who could use a good time?” “And these other people are…?” “Like minded individuals who are coming together to exchange ideas and possibly some cash for weapons,” Cobra Commander said as he worked the grill. “So you’re throwing a party for dictators, mobsters, and tyrants?” Destro asked. “In our casino hotel? Why?” “It’s called networking,” Cobra Commander snapped. Then he turned around. “I say…Vlad. Vlad! How do you want your burger? Medium rare? Gotcha!” “Two questions,” Destro blinked. “Where did you get a mechanical bull and why is the leader of Russia riding it without a shirt on?” “Hey give the man a break!” Cobra Commander said. “It’s not easy taking over a BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 119

country you know? The guy has to let off some steam!” “How about him? He’s letting off a lot of steam,” Destro pointed. “Oh for crying out loud,” Cobra Commander groaned. Boing! Boing! Boing! BONK! “Will you stop bouncing basketballs on everyone’s head?” Cobra Commander shouted. “And that goes for your buddy too!” “Some people have no manners,” Destro grumbled. “I told Kim not to bring Rodman to the party,” Cobra Commander grumbled. “He always has to make a scene.” “Okay I’m going to go…somewhere else…” Destro moaned as he left Cobra Commander’s side. It wasn’t long before he saw the Crimson Twins talking to some businessmen of various ethnicities. “If you ever need our services…” Tomax remarked. “Here’s our card,” Xamot gave them business cards out. “Let me guess you morons are networking too?” Destro groaned as they left the businessmen. “It doesn’t hurt,” Xamot bristled. “To make some new contacts,” Tomax added. “And maybe send a resume out,” Xamot admitted. “Or two,” Tomax shrugged. “The only reason I’m not going to report this to Cobra Commander is that I am actually hoping someone is stupid enough to take you both up on that offer,” Destro groaned. “I need a drink.” “I don’t care if you swore a vendetta against him,” Cobra Commander was heard shouting. “Take it outside! This is a party for crying out loud!” BOOOOOOOOOM! “WHO SET OFF THAT ROCKET LAUNCHER?” Cobra Commander yelled. “I TOLD YOU PEOPLE NO WEAPONS AT THIS PARTY!” “A big one,” Destro walked away. “On the bright side I never liked that wall anyway.” “WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT HAVING KNIFE FIGHTS IN THE POOL?” Cobra Commander yelled. “I DON’T CARE IF YOUR COUNTRIES ARE AT WAR WITH EACH OTHER! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH IT COSTS TO GET BODY PARTS OUT OF A FILTER?” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 120

“Is there anyone else at this party I can talk to?” Destro groaned. “Preferably someone who isn’t a complete and total psychotic?” “OKAY WHO SHOT THE GUY CARRYING AROUND THE PIGS IN A BLANKET?” Cobra Commander shouted. “YOU DON’T DO THAT! AT LEAST UNTIL AFTER HE RUNS OUT OF FOOD!” “Apparently not,” Destro groaned. “IN THE FIRST PLACE, THEY’RE NOT REAL PIGS!” Cobra Commander snapped. “IT’S JUST AN EXPRESSION! IT’S MEAT BY PRODUCTS! AND SECONDLY IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO EAT IT JUST SAY NO AND LET THE REST OF US HAVE A TASTE!” “Just find one person to talk to,” Destro looked around. “Anyone at all.” “Hello Destro!” Mindbender waved at him from across the room. “Anyone at all,” Destro kept looking. “LOOK AT THIS! PERFECTLY GOOD FOOD ALL OVER THE FLOOR!” Cobra Commander snapped. “THIS IS A WASTE OF PERFECTLY GOOD CATERING MONEY!” “I’LL EAT IT!” Torch was heard shouting. “WHAT? IT’S A CLEAN FLOOR!” “Great party isn’t it Destro?” Mindbender made his way to him. BONK! BONK! BONK! “WILL YOU STOP THROWING BASKETBALLS AT PEOPLE’S HEADS?” Cobra Commander snapped. “IT’S NOT FUNNY ANYMORE!” BONK! “DON’T YOU START ACHMED!” Cobra Commander yelled. “AND THAT’S NOT A BOMB! PUT THAT DOWN!” “It has its moments,” Destro sighed, resigned to his fate. “So how are you doing Mindbender? I ask even though I know I have no choice.” “OI! WHO WANTS TO PLAY LET’S THROW THE HAMMER AND HIT SOMETHING?” Ripper was heard shouting. “Actually I do have a choice so…” Destro blinked. “I do want to know how you are doing since for once it is actually the lesser of two evils.” “Quite good actually,” Mindbender grinned. “Met up with a few other mad scientists and compared notes. Then just had sex in the coat room.” “Wonderful,” Destro groaned. “Dare I ask with whom?” “Not really sure,” Mindbender shrugged. “She was wearing a veil.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 121

“Well that explains why that gentleman is coming this way waving a sword,” Destro remarked. “Uh oh,” Mindbender blinked. “Later!” He ran off. The gentleman in tan dictator garb ran by screaming profanities in his own language. “Wonderful. Mindbender is getting laid and I’m striking out,” Destro groaned as he walked away. “AGAIN! THIS IS A PARTY! NOT A BATTLEFIELD!” Cobra Commander was heard yelling. “IF YOU CAN’T LEAVE YOUR VENDETTAS AT THE DOOR LEAVE!” RAT-A TAT TAT TAT! BONK! “OH THAT’S HOW YOU WANNA PLAY HUH?” Cobra Commander yelled. “ALL RIGHT YOU ASKED FOR IT!” “And here come the grenades,” Destro wisely decided to exit the party. “Exit stage right. Sometimes the best trait a guest can have at a party is knowing when to leave.” Twenty minutes later in the hotel casino bar… “Well that was a bust,” Cobra Commander staggered into the bar. His apron had bloodstains on it and he had some scuffs on his uniform. “I take it the party wasn’t the rousing success you thought it would be?” Destro asked as he sat at the bar drinking. “I admit it could have gone better. The party wouldn’t have been half bad if it wasn’t for the guests,” Cobra Commander grumbled as he sat down. “I swear I don’t know why I bother.” “I wonder the same thing on a daily basis,” Destro moaned.

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Chapter 19 A Rather Eventful Weekend “Well everyone,” Cobra Commander sighed. His left hand was bandaged and his leg was in a cast. “We’ve had a rather eventful weekend. So let’s recap and figure out what went wrong shall we?” “Must we?” Destro growled. He looked rather tired and had a bandage on his right arm. “Must we once again suffer through another insipid meeting? Haven’t we suffered enough this weekend?” “Hear! Hear! I agree! Stupid meeting!” The other Cobras agreed, all were bandaged and looked rather banged up. “Look now is not the time for pointing fingers and blaming each other…” Cobra Commander said as he took a drink. “I thought that was the point of all these meetings,” The Baroness spoke up. She had a black eye and some scratches on her face. “Let’s start with the smaller items and work our way up,” Cobra Commander sighed. “And by small I mean Mindbender’s lab rats!” “They weren’t lab rats. They were lab ferrets,” Mindbender protested. He had bandages on his upper arm and had an ice pack on his head. “Well whatever they were they caused a problem when they escaped!” Destro barked. “They wrecked the base!” “Not that much, comparatively…” Mindbender winced. “And it wasn’t my fault! One BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 123

of my interns left the stupid cage open!” “I don’t care if that intern decided to open the cage and waved a red cape like a matador!” Cobra Commander hissed. “They were your mutant ferrets! Your problem! Do you have any idea the damage they caused?” Flashback to last weekend. Cobra soldiers running in panic from giant ferrets the size of large cattle. One of the ferrets caught a soldier and ate him. Back to the present… “And if that wasn’t bad enough some of them escaped to the casino!” Cobra Commander snapped. Flashback to the weekend. People running out of a casino being chased by giant ferrets. Back to the present… “It’s a good thing no guests were hurt!” Cobra Commander. “Our ratings are bad enough with Trip Advisor as it is!” “Mostly because most of the guests had already been chased out of the casino a few hours before,” Destro gave Zartan a look. “Here we go…” Zartan groaned, looking rather battered and bruised. “This is where you blame the Dreadnoks!” Flash forward to last weekend. Several guests ran out of the casino being chased by Dreadnoks shooting off flame throwers and firecrackers while riding golf carts. Back to the present… “Although to be fair I must admit they did get rather carried away with their golf game,” Zartan sighed. “Carried away is an understatement!” Destro snapped. “Remember the mess they left on the ninth hole?” “Oh right…” Zartan winced. Flashback to last weekend. A man in nice golf clothes putts his ball into the hole. The second he does so the hole explodes. Seconds later all that is left of the hole is a huge crater and the man’s golf shoes. Back to the present. “That was one of our new contacts in the criminal underworld and you blew him up!” Destro snapped. “Well…maybe it’s just as well,” Cobra Commander sighed. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 124

“What did you do?” Destro gave him a look. “Nothing. It’s what the Crimson Twins did,” Cobra Commander pointed. “Or should I say who they did…” Flash forward to that same man from the golf course standing outside his hotel room. “Honey before I go to my golf game I forgot…” He opened the door. “WHAT THE HELL?” “Oh…This is awkward,” Xamot was heard remarking. “Would you believe we’re gynecologists?” Tomax asked. Back to the present. “So you slept with the man’s wife before you blew him up,” Destro groaned. “I know. So professional,” Cobra Commander sniffed. “Oh really?” Xamot gave Cobra Commander a look. “What about what happened after that at the bowling alley?” Tomax added. “Why? What happened at the bowling alley?” Destro looked around. “Ask Mindbender,” Cobra Commander grumbled. “That’s why he wasn’t in the lab to supervise those stupid ferrets in the first place!” “Oh you are blaming me?” Mindbender asked. “Yes! You’re the one who organized that stupid nude bowling tournament!” Cobra Commander snapped. “A nude bowling tournament?” Destro did a double take. “There’s a great joke about balls somewhere in there,” Torch snickered. “Cobra Commander approved it!” Mindbender protested. “WHAT?” Destro looked at Cobra Commander. “Okay in the first place I assumed it would consist mostly of female porn stars,” Cobra Commander pointed out. “Not some of Mindbender’s mad scientist buddies.” “Speaking of buddies…” Destro drawled. “I thought you learned your lesson after the last party Cobra Commander!” “I did! This time I made sure Dennis Rodman and his little buddy Kim wasn’t invited,” Cobra Commander protested. “Now I know that last party didn’t end well but it was a while ago…” “It was last week!” The Baroness shouted. “But we really needed those new contacts and damn it! It was worth a shot!” Cobra BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 125

Commander snapped. “Speaking of being shot…” Zarana glared at the Baroness. “Oh I suppose now it is my turn to get blamed for something that wasn’t my fault?” The Baroness snapped. “It was so your fault!” Zarana yelled. “What did I do?” The Baroness snapped. “Interesting choice of words,” Tomax snorted. “More like who she did,” Xamot agreed. “I didn’t sleep with anyone! I didn’t get a chance to!” The Baroness snapped. “Mindbender’s to blame for that!” “Hey if you blabbed to that Middle Eastern Dictator that I slept with one of his wives after you were with him instead of before…” Mindbender snapped. “Which led to the rampage and gunfire at both parties,” Cobra Commander groaned. “Now Mindbender explain the whole situation to me again?” “Last week when the Baroness blabbed about me sleeping with Nadira that dictator chased us both around. He was going to kill her,” Mindbender began. “Well dictators do get a bit miffed when you fool around with their harem,” Destro gave Mindbender a look. “Have you seen Nadira?” Zarana asked. “Trust me, that dictator should have thanked Mindbender for doing his job!” “Any-way I managed to make a quick synthoid copy and fake Nadira’s death last week,” Mindbender explained. “She went to live with me in my lab as one of my new assistants. At least she was until Miss Blabbermouth here informed the dictator that she was still alive!” “I didn’t know it was the same man! I was making small talk!” The Baroness snapped. “How could you not know you were talking to the same guy?” Zarana snapped. “How bombed were you?” “Pretty bombed the first time,” The Baroness admitted. “That’s why I didn’t recognize him the second.” “Well after the dictator went on another violent rampage to kill his wife and restore his honor and all that…” Mindbender went on. “Which led to several more of our potential clients and allies getting killed…” Destro added. “Long story short…” Mindbender went on. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 126

“Too late,” Zartan quipped. “I got some more genetic samples and was able to create Nadira II,” Mindbender added. “And trust me she is an improvement over the first one even if she’s green and has scales,” Zarana groaned. “But that’s still not the worst thing the Baroness did at the party!” “Oh right,” Destro glared at the Baroness. “So I had a little too much to drink and got into one tiny little fight with someone I used to know,” The Baroness waved. “A tiny little fight?” Zartan yelled. Let’s see that tiny little fight shall we? “COME BACK HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A WOMAN YOU BITCH!” The Baroness chased after a well dressed woman with a chainsaw. “HA HA HA HA HA!” Back to the present. “You killed three people and cut off some stray body parts and none of them were from the person you were fighting with,” Zarana gave her a look. “And you wrecked my chainsaw!” Buzzer snapped. “And it was my good one too!” “Not to mention the extensive damage you did to the walls,” Cobra Commander went on. “Some bannisters. Some priceless art. And those blood splatters on the carpet are never going to come out!” “I am not the one who had to set up a demonstration of Cobra’s power at the party!” The Baroness snapped. “That was a mistake!” “I don’t know what went wrong as far as the Blizardinator was concerned,” Cobra Commander sighed. “I mean we put it in the best location possible this time. The Arctic Circle was a perfect choice to hide it. How could GI Joe find it so fast? I don’t know what went wrong!” “Really?” Destro gave him a look. “You really don’t know what went wrong? How about I give you a hint. Two words: Paint Job!” Last weekend. Aboard the International Space Station… “Hey guys look at this storm from coming in from the Arctic Circle,” A scientist said to another. “It’s really huge.” “Something else is really huge,” Another scientist looked at the monitor. “Magnify Quadrant 2.37.9 to 120 percent.” The magnification revealed something that was painted bright yellow and red with a big red dot in the middle. “It looks like some kind of target with something already BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 127

sticking out of it,” The First Scientist said. “Let’s send this out over the wire,” The second scientist said. “This is obviously some kind of man-made storm.” Shortly after… “Is that Cobra’s old Blizzardinator?” Duke asked as several Joes looked at the images on a large computer screen. “Uh huh,” Mainframe nodded. “That’s what it looks like all right.” “Haven’t seen that piece of snow crap in a long time,” Shipwreck folded his arms. “Cobra must be getting more desperate if they’re trotting out their failed plans.” “It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t painted like a symbol for a certain store chain,” Dial Tone remarked. “But they did and it’s just out there!” Lady Jaye said. “That big red bulls-eye among all that white? Seriously?” “It does just kind of stand out there doesn’t it?” Duke remarked. “Okay I guess we need to saddle up! We’re going to the Arctic Circle.” “Great! Thanks to Cobra we’re gonna freeze our tails off,” Shipwreck groaned. “Or we could just do this,” Lady Jaye gave him a look. “Mainframe engage the laser on the GI Joe satellite.” “Satellite laser engaged,” Mainframe said as he punched the coordinates in. The satellite laser locked on the target and blew it up. “There. Problem solved,” Lady Jaye shrugged. “Well that was convenient,” Shipwreck blinked. “We have lasers in our satellite?” Dial Tone blinked. “Uh yeah,” Lady Jaye gave the men a look. “Remember? It was written in the Star Wars program? From the 80’s? President Regan thought it would be a good idea if the Joes had this and secretly snuck it in the budget!” “Oh yeah I forgot we had that,” Duke blinked. “Kind of figured you did,” Lady Jaye gave him a look. “To be fair it was a long time ago,” Dial Tone said. “A real long time ago,” Mainframe blinked. “Wait…What year is this? How old is this unit?” “Holy crap how old are we?” Dial Tone realized. “Swabbies I find that if you ignore questions like that it just makes your life easier,” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 128

Shipwreck waved. “Who’s up for pool and some booze?” “I’m in,” Mainframe sighed. “Yeah I guess there’s not much else we can do today,” Duke blinked. “Wait…How long have we been here?” Back to Cobra’s Meeting in the present time…(Whenever that is) “In hindsight I should have not only paid for the paint job but waited on that,” Cobra Commander sighed. “But I really wanted to impress my guests at the party!” “Oh they were impressed all right,” Destro folded his arms. “Especially when some of the hired help decided to attack them!” “I’d like to once again remind all of you that it was not my idea to have some of our previously living staff serve at the party in order to cut down on costs!” Mindbender snapped. “Plus I specifically said that there was a slight chance that the nanobots inside them could be transferred via bodily fluid contact.” “Yeah having some of our zombie janitors serve appetizers at the party wasn’t exactly the smartest move you made Cobra Commander,” Torch snapped. “First of all technically they weren’t all zombies!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Most of them were already alive just infected with nanobots that control their minds and free will! Only a couple were Nano Zombies. And secondly how was I supposed to know they were gonna start biting people?” “HELLO!” Monkeywrench yelled. “THEY’RE ZOMBIES!” “Of course they’re gonna bloody bite people! That’s what they do!” Buzzer groaned. “Even the Dreadnoks could figure it out!” Destro pointed. “Exactly!” Torch agreed. “And even we knew it was a dumb idea to have some of those Nano Zombies as party favors!” “What kind of party favors?” Zandar did a double take. “What kind do you think? Doesn’t anyone watch those true Hollywood society things on the E Network?” Torch groaned. “Yeah watch a little more TV!” Buzzer snapped. “You might learn something!” “I still don’t get it,” Zandar said. “Neither do…Oh my God I just did!” Destro gasped. “Commander! You didn’t!” “Did what?” Zandar asked. “Use some of the Nano Zombies as hookers and…” Torch said exasperated. “Oh okay I get it now. Ewwww!” Zandar winced. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 129

“Double Ewww!” Monkeywrench groaned. “Hello? Zombies infect people with bites and transmission of bodily…” “That’s enough!” Destro interrupted. “And I agree the proper term is…Ewww!” “I admit we Dreadnoks are disgusting but even we wouldn’t do that!” Torch said. “A rather high bar for standards indeed,” Destro said. “But even I have to agree with them on this!” “Okay so maybe we all had a few missteps,” Cobra Commander sighed. “A few minor hiccups. A few turns left when we should have turned right…” “Like those people who turned left down that dead end in the building and got cornered by Nano Zombies,” Torch remarked. “They definitely should have turned right.” “I’ll have nightmares of that Nano Zombie rampage for years,” Zandar groaned. “Not to mention the cleanup,” Destro groaned. “We lost thirty men in the battle to destroy and get those things under control. And ten more when they just up and quit during the fight. Not that I blame them.” “Ugh can’t we just go back to our rooms and forget this whole weekend ever happened?” The Baroness groaned. “Shouldn’t be that hard for you,” Zarana quipped. “Since you were plastered during most of it!” “Well I am in agreement,” Mindbender sighed. “We should just cut our losses and…” The sound of a commotion and gunfire was heard. “Now what?” Cobra Commander groaned. “Cobra Commander! We have a problem!” Zero ran in. He was wearing a helmet and his arm was in a sling. “When don’t we have a problem?” Cobra Commander groaned. “Remember those two high rollers that died because of the bad shrimp a while ago?” Zero asked. “Yes…” Destro said hesitantly. “Turns out they were part of the Yakuza with ties to a ninja clan and…” Zero began. THWACK! “AAAH!” Everyone shouted as a throwing star imbedded itself into Zero’s helmet. “What the? Ooh good thing I had this helmet on!” Zero gulped. Then another throwing star imbedded itself into Zero’s good arm. “OWWW!” “Ah crap…” Cobra Commander groaned. “I hate it when things like this happen!” “A rogue ninja attack always does put a damper on your week doesn’t it?” Destro asked sarcastically. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 130

Chapter 20 Resident Idiots Part I “Now I remember the reason I hate doing any legitimate business!” Cobra Commander snarled as he looked over a large amount of papers in the Cobra Command meeting room. “All this damn paperwork!” “Ugh why are we having a meeting at this ungodly hour of the morning?” The Baroness walked in slightly hung over. “It’s two in the afternoon!” Zarana snapped as she entered with Zartan, Zandar and the main core of Dreadnoks. “That’s it. No more Green Russians,” Destro grumbled as he walked in with Mindbender. “Oh I’m so sorry to disturb your drunken slumbers,” Cobra Commander said sarcastically. “For your information the only reason we got this inebriated was we entertained those so called business associates you wanted us to meet with!” Destro snarled. “Oh right. So how did that meeting with the Russian Mob go?” Cobra Commander asked. “Pretty well,” The Baroness shrugged. “Nobody died or got shot. And we both woke up naked in a pile of hookers and beefy Russian guys. For us that’s a good meeting.” “Aww you had an orgy and we weren’t invited?” Torch asked. “I wouldn’t invite you to…pick something unpleasant,” Destro groaned. “Forgive BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 131

me, my wit seems to be taking the day off. Now I know what it’s like to be a Dreadnok.” “Okay fine you two were just doing your jobs,” Cobra Commander sighed. “Being on the job,” Zartan quipped. “How fortunate for you Baroness that your career so closely parallels your personal life.” “Bite me Zartan,” The Baroness glared at him. “I don’t want to get rabies,” Zartan added. “Or whatever venereal disease you picked up.” “Oh shut up the both of you. At least we don’t have to worry much about our loan from the Russian Mob for now. Who would have thought that running a casino would be so much trouble?” Cobra Commander groaned. “Oh wait anyone who is in the casino business!” “Why do we need a loan from the Russian Mob?” Ripper asked. “Yeah I thought having a casino we’d be rolling in the dough,” Torch asked. “I admit I am a bit confused on that myself,” Zandar said. “Haven’t you been paying attention to the news? Casino profits are down all over all place,” Cobra Commander snapped. “Thanks to the lotteries, online gambling and states opening up slot parlors all over the place it takes away revenue from the ones that already exist!” “Atlantic city alone has lost four casinos this year,” Destro said. “Going down from twelve to eight. And there may be more. I just heard the Trump Taj Malal is going to close too!” “Not the Taj Mahal!” Torch gasped. “They have a really good deli there with really good strawberry shortcake!” “I always liked that place,” Monkeywrench said. “Always thought those big white and gold elephants at the doors gave the place class.” “I miss the Trump Plaza,” Zarana sighed. “Hey Zartan, remember the weekend we all got blitzed in Atlantic City and you disguised yourself as Donald Trump?” “That was fun,” Zartan laughed. “I went around the place saying ‘You’re fired’ to all the employees!” “Everyone was crying…” Buzzer snorted. “Some of them got mad and trashed the place! One guy set a whole bunch of important documents on fire! It was hilarious!” “We cleared out an entire office and robbed ‘em blind!” Zarana laughed. “Torch and Ripper even managed to steal one of the slot machines!” “Only one of the nickel ones,” Zandar groaned. “Correction, a Munster Nickle Slot Machine,” Torch spoke up. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 132

“Yeah there’s a difference,” Ripper agreed. “Those are real collectors’ items they are!” “And they show clips from the show so it’s very entertaining to play,” Torch added. “No surprise your affection for that show considering how much it mirrors your real life family,” Destro quipped. “Well you’re not wrong there,” Torch shrugged. “Destro remember that weekend we spent at Atlantic City at the Trump Plaza?” The Baroness asked. “We were there…Why were we there?” “Something about a stakeout or a heist,” Destro shrugged. “I don’t remember the exact details but I do remember our weekend. We posed as husband and wife wearing face masks.” “You wore the face mask. I just wore a wig,” The Baroness said. “But I remember the room was nice and we had a lovely day on the boardwalk. You won me that teddy bear on some game by cheating. Was it darts?” “It could have been darts. Or some kind of ball throwing,” Destro blinked. “But however I did it I know I cheated. So I could get you the bear. So we could stuff it with diamonds. Or was it some kind of microchip with stolen encrypted data on it?” “It doesn’t matter,” The Baroness waved. “I mean come on we’ve done that kind of operation at least a dozen times. But I do remember we had a good time at that restaurant. You know the one with the jungle theme?” “Oh right! I said let’s try it and pretend we’re slumming,” Destro said. “And I was pleasantly surprised by my dinner. It was very good. And it was rather fun. All those tropical fish and animatronic animals weren’t annoying. I mean usually I find those sorts of things annoying but not at this restaurant.” “Yes. And the thunder and simulated rainstorms weren’t as bad as I thought,” The Baroness said. “They drowned out the noise from other patrons.” “And it was more enjoyable than eating in an actual rainforest,” Destro admitted. “And the dessert! I remember the dessert!” “Volcano!” Destro and the Baroness said at the same time laughing. “Such a fun night,” The Baroness sighed. “And a good dessert,” Destro admitted. “A shame it gave us diarrhea all night.” “That and the Blueberry Schnapps Surprise we drank,” The Baroness said. “The real surprise was for whoever had to clean up our hotel room,” Destro snickered. “And for the hotel when we ran out without paying the bill,” The Baroness laughed. “Ah…” Both the Baroness and Destro sighed wistfully. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 133

“Good times,” Destro said. “Lovely memories,” The Baroness said. “Say maybe we should check out that restaurant again?” “No I think the chain went out of business,” Destro sighed. “Oh what a shame,” The Baroness said. “If you two lovebirds are done skipping down Memory Lane we have crisis on our hands,” Cobra Commander snapped. “I have a story about the Trump Plaza that’s really good,” Mindbender spoke up. “We don’t care Mindbender,” Cobra Commander snapped. “Let’s move on shall we?” “Hey! My story isn’t nearly as sappy as theirs!” Dr. Mindbender snapped as he pointed at Destro and the Baroness. “And it has two naked hookers, a drunk naked showgirl and a radioactive lemur!” “Ooh naked hookers and showgirls,” Buzzer’s interest perked up. “Ooh radioactive lemur!” Monkeywrench was definitely interested. “To be fair that does kind of beat a poop story,” Torch spoke up. “It’s not a poop story,” The Baroness snapped. “It ended in diarrhea and made me want to throw up my lunch,” Zarana said. “That sounds like a poop story to me.” “No poop in my story,” Mindbender said. “A little urine maybe from the drunken giraffe…” “Drunken giraffe?” Zandar asked. “You didn’t say anything about a drunken giraffe!” “I wanted it to be a surprise,” Mindbender shrugged. “That and the exploding pineapples.” “Exploding pineapples?” The Baroness did a double take. “This was during one of your mad scientist conventions wasn’t it?” “Yes. It’s how I beat my rival Doctor Brainbuster for Mad Scientist of the Year. Using a tire iron and the exploding pineapples,” Mindbender said. “You have a rival?” Destro did a double take. “Oh yes. Doctor Brainbuster and I have been at odds for years,” Mindbender said. “Then how come this is the first we’ve heard of it?” Cobra Commander snapped. “Because unlike some people I don’t whine about my personal problems to everyone I meet,” Mindbender snapped. “Not that I ever get a word in edgewise. It’s GI Joe this and blah blah GI Joe that and occasionally Serpentor blah, blah, blah. Other people BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 134

have problems with other rivals too you know? Although I do admit I may have started the rivalry a little when I slept with Dr. Brainbuster’s nymphomaniac triple jointed sister at that very same convention.” “Damn it. Now I want to hear this story!” Zartan blinked. “To be fair that does sound better than ours,” Destro remarked. “Fine the next time we’re all trapped somewhere for an indefinite length of time Mindbender can tell us the story,” Cobra Commander waved. “But for now let’s focus on our casino’s dwindling profits.” “It can’t be that bad. Let me see these statements,” Destro took some papers and read them. “Oh God. It is that bad.” “More than half of what we do make goes into upkeep and maintenance,” Cobra Commander snapped. “Only in materials! I use the Nano Zombies to make repairs and to clean everything,” Mindbender said. “And now we’re using them to replace some of the casino staff.” “Some of the casino staff?” Zarana asked. “Just the ones serving drinks, and a few office jobs which you have to be brain dead to do anyway,” Mindbender said. “I admit the one I put at the blackjack table last week was not one of my better ideas.” “That explains this twenty thousand dollar loss from that table,” Cobra Commander looked at some papers. “Mindbender just out of curiosity exactly how many Nano Zombies do we have?” “About five thousand as of this week. Give or take a few,” Mindbender shrugged. “There’s always a few accidents in the lab when I’m testing things.” “FIVE THOUSAND!” Everyone else in the room shouted. “How the bloody hell did you get that many?” Zarana yelled. “We haven’t killed that many people!” “Let’s just say I make a lot of trips to Home Depot on the mainland,” Mindbender said. “And it’s not always just to get some Street Pass Relay for my 3DS.” “We have more Nano Zombies than we do soldiers!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Wait a minute…” “That we don’t have to pay for,” Mindbender added. “You’re welcome!” “Mindbender you’re brilliant!” Cobra Commander proclaimed. “Five thousand Nano Zombies we can turn into soldiers for Cobra!” “You want Cobra to have an undead army?” Destro did a double take. “They’re not all undead,” Mindbender snapped. “Most of them are just mostly dead. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 135

Or half dead. A few were never dead. Those are the ones I got from Home Depot. Just inject some nanites with the right programming and zap! Free will goes out the door and I get a lot of people to clean the floor.” Everyone looked at Mindbender. “And as you know there’s a lot of blood and mess on my lab floor,” Mindbender went on. “Just saying.” “It’s brilliant in its simplicity,” Cobra Commander said. “Oh I have an idea! All we have to do is inject the entire military forces of the United States and Cobra will rule this country! Ha ha! GI Joe will become our personal hit squad! I love it!” “Sure I’ll get on that by Tuesday,” Mindbender groaned. “It takes time to program these things Cobra Commander! There’s still a few bugs in the system!” “Can’t we just start with a smaller army and go from there?” Buzzer asked. “You know like Guam or Uruguay?” “You have a point,” Cobra Commander thought. “We should start small and work our way up to the big leagues. And I hear Uruguay is lovely this time of year.” “AAAAH!” Zero ran into the room and slammed the door shut behind him. His clothes were slightly ripped and torn and he was sweating. “Zero! You’re late! And why do you look like hell?” Cobra Commander snapped. “Uh we have a problem,” Zero gulped. “Another one?” Destro quipped. “Yeah it’s kind of a big one,” Zero said. “Uh Mindbender you know that basic control program you uploaded into the Nano Zombies? The one that keeps them under Cobra’s control?” “Yes what about it?” Mindbender asked. “It kind of got a little corrupted,” Zero gulped. A bloodcurdling scream was heard from a distance. “Okay a lot corrupted.” “What?” Cobra Commander snapped. “I think I’d just better show you what’s going on,” Zero turned on the surveillance systems. “As you can see these are showing what’s going on in all the surveillance systems throughout the hotel. As you can also see all the Nano Zombies are kind of running amok.” “Kind of running amok?” Destro yelled as he saw the sight of Nano Zombies running around the hotel chasing people. “Yes they’re running around but they’re not wrecking anything or biting people so technically it’s not full amok,” Zero explained. CRASH! SMASH! BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 136

“Okay now some of them are smashing craps tables and vending machines,” Zero said. “Oh and as you can see from footage of the restaurant some of them are eating all the food and drinking the alcohol.” “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!” “Oh and that zombie just bit that one guy,” Zero said. “He’s not eating him he’s…Oh. Oh that’s a bit disturbing.” “Is it just me or is that zombie making out with that guy he bit?” Torch blinked. “And the guy he bit is making out back.” “It’s happening Torch,” Buzzer said. “Oh good. Sometimes I get zombie hallucinations during the day so I’m not always sure what’s real and what’s not,” Torch said. “Okay just so we’re all clear on the concept those Nano Zombies can transmit nanites into other people by transmission of bodily fluids right?” Monkeywrench asked. “That is correct Monkeywrench,” Mindbender said. “And biting and making out with someone are definitely examples of bodily fluid transmission if you were wondering.” “I was. Thank you for anticipating my next question,” Monkeywrench said. “So basically we have a zombie outbreak in our hotel.” “I’m afraid so. Okay now the zombies are officially running amok,” Zero said. “Oh you know this problem isn’t just going to go away by itself,” Cobra Commander sighed.

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Chapter 21 Resident Idiots Part II “I told you there were still some bugs in the system!” Mindbender yelled at Cobra Commander as the Cobras crawled through the ventilation shaft. “A zombie outbreak is not a bug in the system!” Cobra Commander yelled over his shoulder. “A bug in the system implies a small thing! What you have is a freaking elephant in your system!” “Shut up and keep crawling!” Destro yelled as he crawled ahead of Cobra Commander. “We’re lucky we managed to make it into the air shaft before those zombies broke into our office!” “And even luckier these air shafts are big enough to crawl in,” Zartan said. “Although with the Baroness that may not be big enough.” Zartan was crawling after Torch who was crawling behind the Baroness. “Remind me to kill you if we get out of this alive Zartan,” The Baroness snapped. She was crawling after Mindbender. “I don’t mind the view,” Torch quipped. “I like big butts and I cannot lie…” “I am so going to shoot you as well Torch!” The Baroness shouted. “Just shut up and keep crawling!” Destro yelled. “No, an elephant isn’t big enough to describe this mess!” Cobra Commander went on. “You have a blue whale in the system! A big giant blue whale eating up our programs like krill…” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 138

“We get the analogy,” Destro groaned. “Just don’t panic,” Ripper spoke up. “I’m sure this isn’t the first time we’ve survived a zombie outbreak.” “I think it is,” Zarana said as she crawled after Ripper. “Really? Are you sure?” Ripper asked. “I could have sworn we had a situation similar to this.” “I have no idea, mate,” Torch said. “The decades are kind of one big blur to me.” “I thought we had that happened too,” Monkeywrench said. “Which is weird since we’ve had pretty much everything else happen to us.” “Technically we have just not on a level this big,” Mindbender admitted. “It’s kind of strange,” Torch said. “I mean we’ve had mutants, dinosaurs, robots, cyborgs, wild animals, mutated people turned into wild animals, ghosts, aliens…” “The aliens were us in disguise you idiot,” Zartan said. “I’m not so sure. Remember my theory about those Egyptian Gods we ran into?” Destro spoke up. “What? That they’re really aliens living in a different dimension on a higher plane of existence?” Torch spoke up. “And that they influenced ancient Egyptian society?” “You can’t remember your own bloody name but you remember that?” Zartan snapped. “It just sort of stuck in my head,” Torch admitted. “Must be a very lonely thought,” Ripper groaned. “Well you have to admit the theory is a little less far-fetched than those beings were actual gods!” Mindbender snapped. “Since when are aliens less far-fetched than actual Gods!” Monkeywrench snapped. “Not everybody believes in just one god you know!” “Here we go,” Zandar groaned. “Monkeywrench no one is slandering your belief in…Whatever the hell you believe in,” Zartan groaned. “The Rainbow Serpent bloody exists!” Monkeywrench snapped. “It’s not just a coincidence that the story of the great serpent that creates floods and rivers is told throughout all Australia!” “We had a rainbow serpent god in Cobra La,” Cobra Commander spoke up. “Rai Gi’it. He’s the gay brother of the Serpent God of Storms. He is the god of Prosperity, Generosity, Music and Interior Decorating.” “What a shock,” Destro drawled. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 139

“Little known cultural fact, Cobra La doesn’t have the same hang ups you apes do about sexuality,” Cobra Commander went on. “I believe it,” The Baroness grumbled. “I know what your idea of a fun Saturday night is.” “Look I may be straighter than Charlie Sheen at a porn star convention but where I come from if someone was gay it wasn’t that big a deal,” Cobra Commander said. “In fact in some circles being gay was a blessing. True fact, to be a member of the High Priests, you had to be a gay male. And vice versa for the High Priestesses.” “Really?” Zarana asked. “Yeah since they both served the royal court they figured out that a gay priest serving the queen and a lesbian priestess serving the king would cut down on accidents if you get my drift,” Cobra Commander said. “And it work. For Clerical Class at least.” “You know I had a cousin that worked as a faith healer using snakes,” Mindbender added. “Isn’t this the same cousin who was arrested for twenty five counts of murder when his snakes got let loose and bit an entire congregation consisting of people who were suing him for ripping them off?” Zarana asked. “I said he worked as a faith healer,” Mindbender corrected. “I didn’t say he had any faith.” “As fascinating as it has been discussing religions of maniacs from all over the world…” Destro groaned. “I think we’ve finally reached the light at the proverbial end of the tunnel. Actually it’s a literal light at the end of the tunnel.” He opened up the vent and stuck his head out. Only to get whacked in the head by a pillow. “WHAT THE DEVIL?” “A pillow? Really Road Pig?” Tomax snapped. He, Vapor and Xamot were also in the room. “Technically it was me,” Road Pig’s other personality Donald spoke up. “And it was the only weapon I could find!” “What about your gun? Or your knife!” Xamot snapped. “Oh yeah…” Donald realized. “Wait why didn’t you guys shoot?” “Uh we sort of…JUST KILL THE ZOMBIE YOU IDIOT!” Xamot shouted. “It’s just us you idiots!” Destro snapped as he crawled out. “Oh thank God,” Donald groaned. Then he switched to his other personality. “Wh-what are you l-lot doing in the ventilation system?” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 140

“We thought it was such a lovely day we’d go take a stroll through them,” Cobra Commander said sarcastically as he crawled out. “WHY DO YOU THINK YOU MORON?” “When we saw the Nano Zombies rampaging through the casino we ran up here to the control room,” Xamot indicated all the monitors. “It’s the most secure room in the building.” “Oh yes, hole yourself up in a room and wait for help,” Torch scoffed as he came out. “Great plan! That always works in horror films!” “Well I didn’t hear you coming up with any ideas!” Destro snapped. “You never want to hear my ideas,” Torch said. “That’s because they all suck!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Calm down Cobra Commander,” Zero spoke up. “The important thing now is that we are all safe in here.” “HELP! LET ME IN! LET ME IN!” There was a banging on the door. “Who the…?” Zarana went to the monitors and looked at the camera pointed outside the door. “Zanzibar?” “LET ME IN! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME!” Zanzibar yelled as he pounded the door. “He’s still out there?” Tomax said. “We didn’t know,” Xamot remarked. “I HELD THE DOOR OPEN FOR YOU JERKS AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?” Zanzibar screamed. “You can hear us?” Zarana said. “There’s a microphone right near the camera! Of course I can hear you!” Zanzibar shouted. “Now let me in before one of those stupid bloody zombies show up!” “Oh too bad,” Zartan said. “There’s not enough time to open the door and let you in.” “WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NOT ENOUGH TIME TO OPEN THE DOOR?” Zanzibar yelled. “THERE’S PLENTY OF TIME! THE ZOMBIES AREN’T EVEN ON THIS FLOOR!” “It’s a shame we couldn’t save dear old Uncle Zanzibar,” Zartan sighed. “YES YOU CAN!” Zanzibar yelled. “Gonna miss him,” Zandar sighed. “I wonder if he had a will?” “Probably not. That bloke was so broke…” Zarana went on. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 141

“STOP TALKING ABOUT ME IN THE PAST TENSE! I’M STILL HERE!” Zanzibar yelled. “Not for long,” Torch snickered. “I HEARD THAT!” “Okay so what do we do now?” The Baroness asked. “YOU CAN START BY LETTING ME IN BEFORE I GET EATEN ALIVE!” Zanzibar screamed. “We can’t let you in,” Zartan said. “If we did the Nano Zombies would get in too.” “THERE ARE NO NANO ZOMBIES ON THIS FLOOR!” Zanzibar snapped. “THE ELEVATOR WAS SHUT DOWN!” PING! “What the…?” Zanzibar did a double take as the elevator opened. A female Nano Zombie staggered out. “Oops,” Zandar said sarcastically as his fingers were over the controls to the elevator. “I accidentally activated that elevator. What a shame.” “Now there are Nano Zombies on the floor,” Zartan said. “Guess it’s too late to save him. Right guys?” “Yeah he’s a goner,” Cobra Commander waved. “No chance at all,” The Baroness said. “Dibs on his parking spot!” Torch called out. “Should we have a funeral or….?” Zarana asked. “As long as there’s an open bar I wouldn’t mind going,” Mindbender remarked. “You’d go to the opening of a Starbucks if there was free drinks in it for you!” Destro remarked. “Hey! You do know that Starbucks is starting to sell alcohol in some of their select stores right?” Torch said. “Really?” Cobra Commander remarked. “I did not know that.” “It’s true,” Torch nodded. “And what’s wrong with Starbucks anyway?” Mindbender snapped. “They have some really good drinks and pastries.” “Maybe we could have the funeral at a Starbucks?” Buzzer suggested. “WILL YOU BASTARDS SHUT UP AND HELP ME?” Zanzibar pounded on the BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 142

door. “Just run away! Zombies are pretty slow anyway!” Ripper called out. Just then the female Nano Zombie tackled Zanzibar with the grace of a linebacker. “Or I could be wrong about that…” Ripper blinked. “Guess there’s not going to be that much in the casket with the zombie eating him,” Torch said. “Hang on. She’s not eating him she’s…” Destro did a double take. “She’s making out with him!” “EWWWWWWWWW!” Monkeywrench, Ripper, Viper, Zero and Torch winced. “Well I suppose it is the only way Zanzibar could get a date,” Donald spoke up. “Oh what the hell?” Zanzibar groaned when he started to make out with the female Nano Zombie as well. “THAT IS DISGUSTING!” Cobra Commander shouted. “Oh like you wouldn’t do her if you had the chance,” Mindbender rolled his eyes. “No, I mean the fact that she’s kissing Zanzibar,” Cobra Commander corrected. “Oh I see what you mean,” Mindbender nodded. “That is disturbing.” “Hey guys take a look at what’s going on the monitors,” Vapor pointed. “The Nano Zombie horde isn’t killing anyone.” “What do you mean they aren’t killing anyone?” Cobra Commander snapped. “I mean exactly that,” Vapor said. “No one is being killed. No one they catch is dead. Or sort of undead. Watch.” The monitors showed the Nano Zombies all over the casino. Several were eating food and drinking whatever alcoholic beverage they could get. Some were dancing on tables. Others were making out with each other. “So they’re not killing anybody but they’re eating all our food,” Zartan blinked. “Drinking all our alcohol and making out with anyone they catch. That’s just weird.” “It’s like a deranged nightmare,” The Baroness said. “Or Tina Belcher’s fantasy,” Torch spoke up. Everyone looked at him. “You know? Tina Belcher? From Bob’s Burgers? It’s a really good show. It just won an Emmy for best Animated Program. Come on! H. Jon Benjamin is the star of it!” Everyone looked at Torch again. “H. Jon Benjamin?” Torch was exasperated. “One of the best voice actors of our generation? From Dr. Katz? Home Movies? Family Guy? He’s the voice of Sterling Archer for crying out loud!” “Any-way…” Destro decided to change the subject. “At least the Nano Zombies arBD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 143

en’t killing anyone they’re capturing.” “I’d rather they killed people!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Some undead army you created Mind-Bungler!” “Again! As I said before, there are still few bugs in the system!” Mindbender snapped. “I just have to figure out what went wrong in their programming! I don’t understand it! I did a full system scan this morning on the computer!” “Uh just out of curiosity which computer was that?” Donald spoke up. “Is it—it n-next to the big y-yellow one with the v-video game on it?” Road Pig added. “Video game? What video game?” Mindbender asked. “That yellow control panel is the Nano Zombie programming system. I made it yellow so it would be easy to find.” “Uh oh…” Monkeywrench gulped. “What was that uh oh for?” Destro picked up on it. “What did you mean by uh oh?” “And you lot aren’t even allowed in my lab after the incident with the exploding synthoids and the peanut butter!” Mindbender snapped. “How did you know what that machine looked like?” “I know what happens when I say ‘uh oh’,” Destro snapped. “It means something I did has gone wrong. What did you do?” “Boys…” Zarana growled. “You got some ‘splaining to do!” “We thought it was a Walking Dead video game!” Ripper called out. “I told you lot not to touch it!” Donald spoke up. Road Pig then snapped. “Shut up!” “No! I said not to play with it!” Donald told his alternate personality. “But you and the others had to try it!” “Oh my God! I should have known!” The Baroness yelled. “Now the picture is getting clearer,” Cobra Commander groaned. “A little too clear!” “N-nice g-going Donald!” Road Pig snapped. “You got us in trouble!” “It’s your fault!” Donald snapped. He then started slapping himself with both hands. “Your fault! Your fault! Quit it! You quit it! OW!” “Got to admit those two in one body are like a time saver as well as entertaining,” Zartan sighed. “They beat each other up so you don’t have to.” “It’s like a less violent version of Bette and Dot,” Torch groaned. “Who?” Cobra Commander gave him a look. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 144

“Seriously guys? Am I the only one around here with his finger on the pulse that is Popular Culture?” Torch spat. “Watch TMZ or the E! Network sometime! You’ll learn something!” “Okay here is what we are going to do,” Destro spoke up. “Mindbender you and I will make our way to the lab through the air vents with Torch and Road Pig to fix the Nano Zombie control panel.” “You want us to come with you to show you what we did?” Torch asked. “Show us. Throw you to the zombies as bait so we can escape, whatever,” Destro waved. “Xamot, Tomax. You take the rest of the Dreadnoks to the Armory and get weapons and be prepared to destroy the Nano Zombies if for some reason we can’t shut them down.” “Why do we have to do it?” Tomax snapped. “Because you guys are the most expendable!” Zero snapped. “Can’t argue with that logic,” Cobra Commander shrugged. “Commander you and the others stay here and defend this control base,” Destro said. “Just make sure all the doors and escape routes are locked. The last thing we need is for the Nano Zombies to…” SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!... “Escape from the building and infect the general population of the island,” Destro blinked as some Nano Zombies smashed through the windows downstairs and left the building. “Okay so only a few zombies escaped,” Mindbender began. “That’s no reason to panic and…” “Uh oh…” Zero blinked. “Looks like some of the Nano Zombies have figured out how to override the door locks.” “WHAT?” Cobra Commander shouted. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 145

“And check out the garage…” Zero pointed to another camera. “Several of them have hot-wired some cars and…” VRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOM! “Looks like they’re going on a drink run,” The Baroness blinked. “Apparently the stereotype about zombies being mindless is completely unfounded,” Destro blinked. “Oh that is definitely going to be a problem,” Mindbender winced. “Great. Just what this casino needs,” Cobra Commander grumbled. “More bad publicity.”

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Chapter 22 Resident Idiots Part III “All right…” Xamot said as he and his brother led the small group of Dreadnoks through the hallways armed with blasters. “Be prepared for anything.” “How about we be prepared for a tap dancing octopus?” Monkeywrench snorted as he readied his weapon. “Will you take this seriously?” Tomax snapped. “We’re going off to blow up a bunch of bloody zombies like it’s part of some bloody video game or ‘Walking Dead’ rip off,” Buzzer said. “Kind of hard not to be a little flippant about this.” “Yeah what’s so horrible about blowing up a bunch of out of control deadly Nano Zombies?” Ripper snorted as he readied his weapon. “Sounds like a fun weekend to me.” “This is not a video game!” Xamot snarled. “Yeah in a video game you can turn the pointless commentary off!” Monkeywrench snorted. “You two take a chill pill.” “This is an important mission!” Tomax told them. “No it isn’t!” Ripper said. “Hunting down Nano Zombies when there’s a way to turn them off isn’t a vital mission!” Buzzer groaned as he held his buzz saw. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 147

“More likely they sent us out hoping we die on a pointless mission,” Monkeywrench waved. “WHAT?” The Twins shouted as one. “Oh crap!” Xamot yelled. “That is probably Destro’s plan!” Tomax groaned. “Like that never happened to us before?” Ripper snorted. “Yeah we’ve been sent on hundreds of suicide missions and most of the time most of us come back,” Buzzer grunted. “Most of the time?” Tomax yelled. “Most of you?” Xamot yelled. “You two really don’t remember Thrasher don’t you?” Monkeywrench snorted. “I thought he ran off with Zartan’s then girlfriend?” Xamot asked. “Technically he did,” Buzzer said. “He just didn’t run that far.” “What do you mean?” Tomax asked. “Well let’s just say she dumped him and he came crawling back so Zartan had him and us go on a ‘mission’ to get some weapons,” Monkeywrench made quotations. “He got it all right.” “Right in the back of the head!” Ripper snorted. “His noggin blew up like a pumpkin! KABOOM!” “Wait hang on…” Xamot began. “Why would Zartan pretend that Thrasher is still alive and not just say he had him killed?” Tomax added. “Oh my God do we have to spell it out for you twits?” Buzzer groaned. “Thrasher was loaded and had very little family save for a rich uncle who is blind as a bat!” “And Zartan is an actor?” Monkeywrench added. “Who can impersonate pretty much anyone?” “Are you saying that Zartan killed Thrasher and impersonates him…?” Xamot began. “In order to cash in a huge check every six months. Yes!” Buzzer snapped. “Now can you connect the dots?” “How do you think we pay for half our damn weapons and ammo?” Ripper snapped. “The bloody Tooth Fairy?” “That mutinous mercenary is smarter than we thought,” Tomax grumbled. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 148

“Smart enough to park his ass where it’s safe and let us…” Xamot looked around. “Is it me or are things…” “Rather quiet?” Tomax finished as they looked around. They saw hotel furniture destroyed and a lot of wine spills and destruction but no signs of life. “Way too quiet for a zombie attack,” Ripper realized. “Yeah we should have at least heard some shuffling or grunting by now,” Monkeywrench looked around. “Unless these are really fast zombies. You know zombies that can move at super speeds.” “That’s a vampire you twit!” Buzzer snapped. “Zombies can’t move that fast!” “The Sheila that tackled Zanzibar was pretty fast,” Monkeywrench pointed out. “Yes, but not supernaturally fast,” Buzzer pointed out. “We still could have heard them coming! Zombies aren’t exactly known for their stealth.” “He’s right,” Ripper said. “There’s nobody here!” “Where the hell are all the zombies?” Tomax asked. “They all left when we ran out of booze and food,” Cobra Commander snapped over the intercom. “Cobra Commander?” Xamot looked up. “I can see and hear what’s going on from the control center,” Cobra Commander explained. “Remember? Cameras? Microphones? All that surveillance equipment ring a bell?” “So there aren’t any nano zombies in the hotel?” Tomax asked. “Not exactly…” Zartan winced as he saw the sight of Zanzibar still making out with the female nano zombie. “There is one other place there are zombies in this hotel,” The Baroness reminded him. Down in Mindbender’s laboratory… “BURN ZOMBIES BURN! HA HA HA HA HA!” Torch cackled with glee as he roasted several Nano Zombies. “UGHAHHHHHH!” Several zombies tried to flee but were burned in the back. “BRAINS! BRAINS!” Road Pig laughed as he grabbed two zombies by the heads and smashed them together. “SMASH THOSE BRAINS! HA HA HA!” Destro and Mindbender stood there watching the chaos. “Is it just me or do the Dreadnoks act more savage than the so called mindless zombies?” Mindbender blinked. “It’s not just you,” Destro groaned. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 149

“So…Should we do something or…?” Mindbender asked. “I think these two have the zombie situation under control,” Destro remarked as Road Pig chased another zombie with a chainsaw. “I mean I know we should make our way to the nano zombie control computer. But…” “MUAH! HA HA HA!” Road Pig cackled as blood was spilled everywhere. “I don’t really feel like slogging my new boots through that mess,” Destro said. “At least until they’re finished.” “There’s some tea in the break room over there,” Mindbender pointed. “And I have some vodka in the fridge.” “Good idea,” Destro said as he and Mindbender did an about face. “Let the boys have their fun.” Back upstairs in the control room. “Is it just me or are those Dreadnoks doing more damage than the zombies did?” Cobra Commander remarked as they watched on the monitors. “It’s not just you,” Zartan sighed. “I guess it was too much to hope for that the nano zombies would kill them,” Cobra Commander sighed. “Oh well. My own fault. Should have known better.” “So what’s going on with the escaped zombies?” The Baroness asked. “Well….” Zartan let out a breath as he turned on some other monitors. In the city outside the casino hotel there was madness and chaos. More than usual. Zombies were invading restaurants and eating all the food. Breaking into bars and liquor stores and drinking. Several zombies were in a conga line. Others were driving wildly all over town getting into car crashes. And many more zombies were chasing people and making out with them when they caught up with them. “Oh that might raise some suspicion with the authorities,” Zartan winced. “You think?” Cobra Commander snapped as some zombies stole a cop car for a joyride. “By the way, do we have the entire island under surveillance?” “Apparently,” Zartan remarked as one zombie at the beach was shown surfing. Other zombies were playing volleyball. “I didn’t know zombies liked the beach.” “It’s like the cast of Beach Blanket Bingo was dug up and brought back to life,” Cobra Commander remarked as he saw some zombies in bathing suits dancing around. “And taught how to dance properly.” “Zombie Beach Party,” Zandar mused. “There’s a movie in that somewhere.” “Ooh! Better! Zombie Porn Beach Party!” Cobra Commander spoke up. “Make a note of that. I can bring it up at the next meeting with those porn agents.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 150

“I think they might already be aware of it,” The Baroness remarked as several zombies chased several scantily clad females on one of the screens. “Oh great! One of the actresses just got bitten by a zombie,” Cobra Commander groaned. “You know their union is just going to bitch about that!” Meanwhile back at Mindbender’s lab. “Aw man! You didn’t leave any zombies for us to destroy!” Monkeywrench complained as the other Dreadnoks and the Crimson Twins joined the others. “You snooze you lose,” Torch smirked. “Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him well!” Donald’s Road Pig’s other personality quipped as he held the head of a nano zombie. “D-do you always h-have to do that wh-whenever we rip somebody’s head off?” Road Pig snapped. “I enjoy the classics,” Donald replied. “Well I used to enjoy a clean lab,” Mindbender grumbled as he made his way through with Destro to the controls. “Who are you kidding?” Tomax spoke up. “You’ve grown more batches of mold in your refrigerator!” Xamot added. “So you took down the zombie horde without any help,” Tomax remarked. “Wasn’t as much a horde as it was a group of zombies lounging around and drinking,” Destro admitted. He spoke into his communicator. “Cobra Commander how is the situation topside?” “Well the zombies are doing pretty well in the limbo contest on the beach,” Cobra Commander remarked. “And some other zombies caused a fifteen car pile-up on Route Five…” “They are running around drinking, making out with anything that moves and causing mayhem,” The Baroness rolled her eyes. “Think a Dreadnok Saturday Night without the blood.” “Sounds kind of mild actually…” Destro mused. “So Mindbender what do we do?” “Actually all we have to do is shut off the machines and without a signal the nano bots in the zombies will stop working,” Mindbender explained. “With no signal the nano bots will be inactive and in a few days the living people will go back to their old selves.” “And the non-living people?” Ripper asked. “Pretty much back to being worm chow,” Mindbender shrugged. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 151

“Well that’s rather anticlimactic,” Donald remarked. “Not what I expected a final zombie showdown to be.” “You know if you think about it,” Torch thought aloud. “All those zombie TV shows and movies are kind of inaccurate. And racist.” “Let’s just destroy this stupid machine and get this nightmare over with,” Destro groaned. “Are you out of your mind?” Cobra Commander snapped. “Don’t destroy the machine! With that we have the ultimate weapon!” “Are you out of your mind? Stupid question…” Destro groaned. “Look I admit things are a little out of hand now but once we correct the programming and get the Nano Zombies back under our control…” Cobra Commander explained. “We’ll have an army that’s invincible!” “This so called invincible army does nothing but eat all the food, get drunk and make out with anything with a pulse!” Destro snapped. “In other words it’s pretty much like our old army,” Cobra Commander snapped. “Only these nano zombies won’t run away at the first sign of trouble! You have to admit it’s an improvement!” “So we’re keeping the zombie army? Oh God!” Destro groaned. “And on top of it all we don’t have to pay any death benefits,” Cobra Commander added. “Or anything for that matter.” “You have to admit it is kind of a budget saver from a financial perspective,” Xamot added. “No back wages, no paid time off, no life insurance…” Tomax added. “That last one is for obvious reasons.” “Fine. Mindbender go fix the controls and get the Nano Zombies back here!” Destro groaned. “Zombie Spring Break is over!” “All right let’s just…” Mindbender went to the controls. “Oh dear. This doesn’t look good. There’s blood all over the controls.” “This is no time to be picky! I’ll get you some gloves and…” Destro groaned. “No it’s not that! It’s that there’s a lot of blood on the controls and there’s a chance it’s leaked into…” Mindbender began. Just then the computer began to shudder and smoke. “That should not happen.” “Ooops. I think I g-got carried away,” Road Pig apologized. “M-my b-bad.” “Okay one of two things is going to happen,” Mindbender said. Then the computer shuddered and started to billow out more smoke. “All right now one of one thing is going to happen!” “It’s going to explode because there’s a little blood on it?” Torch yelled. “No, it’s going to explode because there’s a lot of blood filled with hyperactive out BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 152

of control nanites is on it!” Mindbender yelled as he backed away and ran. “HIT THE DIRT!” “Now who saw this coming?” Destro groaned as he and the others started to run out of the room. KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! “Is everyone alive…?” Destro moaned when the smoke cleared. “Unfortunately yes,” Xamot remarked. Thirty minutes later… “Well as far as a zombie invasion went it wasn’t that bad,” Cobra Commander remarked as he, Zartan, Torch and Destro stood outside the trashed casino. “The casino needed some remodeling anyway.” “Well the dead bodies all over the lawn are a minor nuisance,” Destro said sarcastically. “Not to mention a clue!” “Torch…” Zartan sighed. “I’m on it!” Torch picked up his flamethrower and went to work. “Oh yes, that won’t be suspicious!” Destro groaned. “Not all of them were the undead!” Mindbender snapped as he walked up to them. “It’s not that many! Besides most of the infected living probably won’t remember anything anyway.” “Probably won’t remember anything anyway?” Zartan asked. “Probably,” Mindbender shrugged. “AAAAAAHH! I’M NOT A BLOODY ZOMBIE!” Zanzibar ran by with Torch and the other Dreadnoks on his heels. “I SWEAR! I’M NOT A ZOMBIE!” “You know that all the nanites are deactivated now right?” Mindbender asked as they watched the chaos. “So the odds of him still being infected are pretty much nil.” “Well best to make sure,” Zartan remarked casually. “Can’t be too careful.” “He does have a point,” Cobra Commander agreed. “Safety first.” “Oh well I suppose it wouldn’t do any harm to…” Destro began when he was interrupted by a growl. “What new fresh Hell is going on now?” Several strange leafy monsters emerged from all around them. They had red eyes and big teeth and familiar looking heads. “Are those…?” Zartan’s jaw dropped. “The sentient marijuana plants that escaped? Yes…” Mindbender gulped. “Oh my. How they grew…” “Oh crap,” Cobra Commander groaned. “I just can’t catch a break!”

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Chapter 23 Smoke Gets In Your Eyes “Ugh, my office is never going to be the same again,” The Baroness grumbled as she walked out of her office. “It figures. The time I need it cleaned the most is when the entire cleaning staff is destroyed.” An inhuman sound was heard outside the building. “All right that’s odd even for Cobra,” The Baroness remarked. She made her way to a corridor with several windows that looked out on the front lawn. “Now what is going on?” The Baroness looked outside the window. “I swear if it isn’t one form of insanity around here it is another!” “I’m afraid it’s even worse than usual this time,” Zarana groaned as she walked up to the Baroness carrying a few gas masks. “What do you mean? And what is all that smoke outside?” The Baroness asked. “Take this gas mask just to be on the safe side,” Zarana sighed as she handed her one. “Why?” “Trust me on this one,” Zarana said as she put it on. “You’re not going to believe what’s going on now. It’s crazy.” “Crazier than an invasion of nano zombies we deactivated less than an hour ago?” The Baroness put on her gas mask. “That cannot be possible!” “Wanna bet?” Zarana pointed outside the window. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 154

Outside the window there was smoke everywhere. Ambling amid the smoke and piles of dead bodies were strange two legged plant creatures moaning and being set on fire by Torch and a few other Dreadnoks. Several of the former nano zombies occupying the lawn were also on fire but weren’t really doing anything about it. And several members of the male Cobra high command were flailing about doing weird dances. “I stand corrected,” The Baroness blinked. “What…?” “Some of those sentient marijuana plants that escaped came crawling out of the woodwork,” Zarana explained. “And they multiplied. A lot.” “So they’re rampaging through the city destroying everything,” The Baroness groaned. “Not exactly,” Zarana said. “Look.” “I LOVE MY JOB!” Monkeywrench laughed as he set several pot plants on fire. He breathed in the fumes. “BEST DAY EVER!” “WHOOO HOOO!” Torch of course was also setting several plant creatures on fire. Of course you all know what happens when a lot of pot, sentient or not is set on fire. “Oh yeah Mon!” Destro was dancing around in the smoke. “It’s good to be back in Jamaica! YAH!” “Guys…Guys…Guys!” Cobra Commander was staggering around. “I got an idea! We should just quit our jobs…And start a band!” “Let’s make it a reggae band Mon,” Destro’s Jamaican accent had replaced his half Scottish one. “Then we can get girls and ganja!” “That’s brilliant!” Cobra Commander said. “Destro you’re a genius!” “I know,” Destro began to dance around. “Have you ever seen your hands?” Mindbender was walking around in a daze looking at his hands. “I mean really seen your hands? They’re amazing!” “One two three la conga! One two three la conga!” Xamot, Tomax, Road Pig and Zero danced by in a conga line. Xamot was wearing a yellow dress and a fruit hat over his uniform. “Whoa! I feel so mellow…” Zandar was staggering around giggling. “They call me Mellow Yellow! Quite Rightly…” “Smoke gets in your eyes…” Zartan giggled as he danced around. “Ah hence the gas masks,” The Baroness nodded. “I get it now. Except for one thing.” “One thing?” Zarana asked her. “Why did you give me a gas mask instead of letting me succumb to the fumes?” The BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 155

Baroness asked. “I know we are not exactly the best of friends…” “No, but I need someone to help me film these bozos so I can get a lot of blackmail material,” Zarana explained. “There’s just going to be too much stuff and I can’t film it all alone.” “FIRE! WHOOO! COOL MAN!” Monkeywrench was just staggering around burning things besides the sentient pot plants. Such as trees, shrubs, dead bodies… “AAAAAH!” Zanzibar ran with his pants on fire. “Pretty! Pretty fire!” Monkeywrench giggled. “Oh Mon checkout the pyrotechnics for our first show!” Destro whistled. “Are we at the Grammys already?” Cobra Commander staggered around. “Can’t be. I don’t see Taylor Swift or Kanye West,” Destro shrugged. “Maybe we’re at Coachella?” “A gig’s a gig man,” Cobra Commander slurred. “Let’s rock!” To which Destro and Cobra Commander began to dance around wildly singing two completely different songs. “I see your point,” The Baroness nodded. “I’ll film Destro and Cobra Commander and you get the rest. Maybe some of Torch.” “Torch doesn’t seem to be affected by the smoke,” Zarana pointed. “MUAH HA HA! BURN! BURN! BURN! HA HA HA!” Torch ran around setting fire to not only the sentient plants but the lawn. “You’re right. He’s acting the same,” The Baroness realized. “Oh wait, marijuana affects brain cells!” “Right. You can’t affect something that isn’t there,” Zarana agreed. “Hold on. Doesn’t Cobra Commander’s mask have a built in air filter?” “It does. But if I know the Commander and unfortunately I do…” The Baroness sighed. “He probably let some fumes in on purpose to get a buzz off them.” “I can’t stop this feeeeee-lllling deep inside of me!” Cobra Commander sang as he danced wildly around. “You know we really should look into updating our resume or something,” The Baroness groaned. “Yeah. Right after we get enough blackmail material on the blokes,” Zarana grinned.

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Chapter 24 Little Johnny Switchblade “All right everyone! Time for another meeting!” Cobra Commander entered the meeting room where his high command was. “And I know what you’re thinking but this time this meeting will be different!” “You mean we will actually accomplish something?” Destro asked in a bored voice. “Not only that, I’m having this meeting catered,” Cobra Commander clapped his hands. Some Cobra soldiers walked in with trays of drinks and appetizers and wheeling in some carts filled with food. “All right! About time we got some decent grub around here!” Zero cheered gleefully. “You did read one of my suggestions!” “Yeah well,” Cobra Commander took a drink from a glass using the straw in his helmet. “Normally my first instinct is to burn a suggestion box but you caught me on a good day. Some of those suggestions were actually amusing. Except of course for the one that wanted me to retire…On the moon! If I ever find out which one of you put that in there I will personally enact on it and send you there!” “Was it written in crayon?” Destro asked casually as he nibbled on an appetizer. “Yes, how did you know?” Cobra Commander asked. “It was probably a Dreadnok,” Destro shrugged. “What? My Dreadnoks would never…” Zartan began. “Who am I kidding? I’m amazed one can write a suggestion at all!” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 157

“Now that I think about it there were a few spelling errors as well,” Cobra Commander growled. “Moon was spelled with three o’s!” “There you go,” Destro quipped. “Okay new item on my to do list for the day,” Cobra Commander growled. “Find a way to torture the Dreadnoks.” “But you don’t know which one wrote the note,” Zero pointed out. “Does it really matter?” The Baroness chuckled as she took a drink. “She has a point,” Tomax shrugged. “So why the festivities Cobra Commander?” Xamot asked. “Yes I’m curious as to the real reasons why you’ve become so generous myself,” Destro remarked. “What? Since when is there an ulterior motive for me to provide food and drinks for everyone?” Cobra Commander asked. “Since the last time you provided food and drinks for us when we learned that our former emperor who had been turned into a lizard was also turned into a breakfast casserole,” Destro remarked. “Oh that,” Cobra Commander waved. “Water under the bridge.” “More like hanging out in the water closet that smelled like it was under a bridge near a sewer factory…” Mindbender moaned. “Yes well this time I have provided food for an actual celebration,” Cobra Commander explained. “And also for the fact that I finally realized that these meetings would be much more tolerable if I was slightly buzzed.” “Again a very valid point,” Tomax remarked. “Now I know the past few weeks have been slightly bumpy what with the zombie revolt and the sentient pot plants running amok and the fires…” Cobra Commander began. “Not to mention the Dreadnoks interesting little idea of having a water polo tournament in some of the offices…” “Interesting!” The Baroness snapped. “My office already has mold growing in it! And I suspect the origin of it wasn’t necessarily from the water!” “My office will never be the same again…” Destro moaned. “And I actually had some nice furniture in there for once!” “Nevertheless…” Cobra Commander spoke up. “Today we are turning a corner. Some of our long overdue projects have finally come into fruition! First of all, sales from our new DVD series have started to come in and they are looking very promising!” “What DVD series?” Destro asked. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 158

“I’m glad you asked!” Cobra Commander showed him. “Ultimate Knife Fights,” Destro looked at the cover. “Oh for the love of God…” “What? They have wrestling matches and boxing and mixed martial arts matches? Why not legitimize the time honored tradition of knife fighting?” Cobra Commander asked cheerfully. “This is ridiculous…” Destro snapped. “Commander you can’t sell knife fights on DVD!” “I know, it’s a dying medium but it still has some life in it!” Cobra Commander shrugged. “Besides I’m negotiating deals for live streaming. This is only the best of edition. There are some really good ones in there…” “Commander is that you on the cover?” The Baroness looked at the DVD and did a double take. “That’s right!” Cobra Commander said cheerfully. “I’m the official sponsor and announcer of the World Knife Fighting Federation!” “So you want to be the Vince McMahon of knife fighting,” Destro gave him a look. “I was going to ask how realistic these fights are…” “Only some of the matches are fixed,” Cobra Commander waved. “I’m not going to kill off all my good talent! Not if I want to build a good stable of merchandisable fighters I can make millions off of.” “Featuring Stabby McStabberson vs. K-Nife,” Mindbender read from the back of the DVD. “Chuck Cross Vs. Three Fingers. The Big Brute vs. Zom-Bor…Big Brute Vs. Bride of Zombor…” “I found a couple of Nano Zombies we didn’t destroy so…” Cobra Commander shrugged. “Why let them go to waste?” “Mike ‘Metaltooth’ McKesson vs. Mr. Fluffy…” Destro read another one. “That was a good match,” Cobra Commander snickered. “I don’t want to give anything away but the fur was really flying that day!” “Torch Verses the Man Eating Plants?” Zartan barked. “Okay that one I just used some security footage,” Cobra Commander waved. “More of a filler piece really. Just something for the fans to have fun with.” “I do get royalties from this right?” Zartan asked. “Yes! You’ll get something!” Cobra Commander huffed. “I think we’re all going to get something,” Destro groaned. “A fine by the FCC!” “Oh please! I’ve already made some concessions to appease the stifling zealotry of overprotective parents,” Cobra Commander waved. “The rules specifically state no BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 159

stabbing or slashing above the neck! God forbid little Johnny Switchblade accidentally pokes someone’s eye out!” “Little Johnny Switchblade verses Cry Baby Malone?” The Baroness read some more of the cover. “Cobra Commander you have children fighting on this DVD?” “Only in the minor leagues matches,” Cobra Commander waved. “Have the folks see some new up and coming talent…Don’t look at me like that. The kids all have to wear face masks and have some padding on their knees. I’m not completely irresponsible!” “I fear this DVD is evidence to the contrary,” Destro moaned. “Evidence that could be used against us in a court of law.” “Destro that ship sailed years ago when we stole the Eiffel tower,” Zartan scoffed. “A little late for that!” “And there are actually people sick and depraved enough to buy this?” The Baroness asked. “And as I ask the question I realize the answer.” “I know! Isn’t it a wonderful time to be alive?” Cobra Commander said cheerfully. He picked another DVD from a tray. “And that’s only the beginning! This DVD set is already outpacing the Knife Fights one!” “The Real Housewives of The Knife Fighting Federation,” Destro read the title. “Congratulations Cobra Commander. I didn’t think it was possible for you to get any lower. But you have topped yourself.” “I admit it. This is some of my best work,” Cobra Commander said proudly. “This series has it all. Gorgeous women in luxurious settings. Exotic locals! Love triangles! Sex scandals! Backstabbing…both figurative and literal.” “Dear God…” Destro moaned. “Now I know what it’s like to be an executive at the Bravo network.” “And that’s not all…” Cobra Commander took out another DVD. “There’s more to this depravity?” Xamot asked. “Commander we love unbridled greed and capitalism…” Tomax began. “Just as much as anyone else but still…” Xamot groaned. “This one is great! Knife Fighting ER Emergency Room! Under the Knife!” Cobra Commander beamed. “I’m telling you the possibilities are endless!” “What no animal fights or bimbos fighting each other in bikinis with knives?” The Baroness snapped. “Already a feature in the first video and duh, I just showed the DVD of the Real Housewives of Knife Fighting Federation!” Cobra snapped. “You have animals fighting on video?” Mindbender asked. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 160

“Really Angry Cat verses Tarantula Dog,” Cobra Commander said. “Didn’t go the way we thought. They attacked the camera man instead of each other. More like a blooper reel than anything but hey! Not gonna waste film.” “That is a matter of opinion,” Destro grumbled. “Anyone else want a drink?” Zarana poured herself one. “YES!” Everyone said and took one. “So as you can see this is a great start to our meeting!” Cobra Commander said cheerfully. “And that is only the beginning of how Cobra is bouncing back!” “Oh joy. There’s more,” Destro took another drink. “I have to admit Commander, providing alcohol at our meetings is not that bad an idea.” “Should have done this years ago,” Zandar grumbled. “Which brings me to my second topic,” Cobra Commander said. “Now despite the minor setback we had, our sales of Python’s Peak pot have started to grow steadily in Colorado and wherever other legal sales of marijuana are sold. In fact the decrease in product has ironically increased our sales. The whole supply and demand thing. Which means we are now charging a fortune for what little pot we have to produce!” “There’s such a thing as gourmet marijuana?” The Baroness asked. “Apparently,” Cobra Commander shrugged. “And it didn’t help that I had the ear of some well-respected online pot critics to really talk up our product online. By the way remind me the next time I see Venom and Ripper to thank them.” “Those two are…?” The Baroness asked. “Technically only Venom is,” Zartan sighed. “Ripper just pretended to be one online. Don’t ask.” “And now we are branching out!” Cobra Commander took out a bottle of wine. “Cobra’s Coils wine!” “We own a winery?” Xamot asked. “That’s news to us,” Tomax was surprised. “Not as much as a winery as a wine substitution brewery,” Mindbender coughed. “Wine substitution brewery?” Destro gave him a look. “Oh dear God you’ve got Mindbender making this concoction!” “That bloody lunatic is making your wine?” Zarana yelled. “No way am I drinking that!” Zartan spoke up. “Look we all know that wine is only fermented grape juice,” Mindbender waved. “I made a machine that speeded up the process then times faster and voila! Four out of BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 161

five Dreadnoks passed out from it! That’s good enough for me!” “Normally that would be for myself as well…” Destro sighed. “But let’s stick to more practical matters. So you buy grape juice and put it into Mindbender’s contraption and pass it off as wine?” “Not as much buy as acquire,” Cobra Commander admitted. “That explains what Road Pig was doing the other day with a truck full of grape juice,” Zarana realized. “To be fair I thought he was just going on a drink run.” “Our first batches of Cobra’s Coils have already hit the market and hopefully the reviews will be glowing!” Cobra Commander said proudly. “More like flaming if I know the Dreadnok’s taste,” Destro sighed. “You didn’t pour any of that stuff for us to drink did you?” “God no!” Cobra Commander snorted. “Good,” Destro took another drink. “Uh Cobra Commander?” Torch’s voice was heard. “We have a problem.” “We do,” The Baroness groaned. “Those idiots know there’s food here!” “Commander we kind of…” Torch walked in with the other Dreadnoks. However they seemed to be glowing somewhat brightly. “Cor! What’s with all the food?” “Hey! You blokes having a party without us?” Ripper asked. “Well it was fun until you got here,” Cobra Commander snapped. “And what the devil is going on with you lot? You’re lit up like a Christmas tree!” “Yeah uh we think something happened in that wine you and Mindbender made us drink that made us glow like this,” Monkeywrench frowned. “WHAT?” Cobra Commander snapped. “Oh yes that should probably not have happened,” Mindbender frowned. “Hmmm… Maybe there was a leak in the radioactive….?” To this Mindbender was cut off by Cobra Commander’s screaming. “Look at the bright side Cobra Commander…Well…” The Baroness chuckled. “Yes we could always simply use the Dreadnoks as lamps,” Mindbender remarked. “Save ourselves a fortune in electric bills!” “YOU COST ME A FORTUNE MIND-BUNGLER!” Cobra Commander shrieked as he threw his glass at him. Mindbender ducked. “AND YOU DREADNOK DIMWITS! I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH THE LOT OF YOU!” “AAAAAAAAAHHHH!” Mindbender and the Dreadnoks ran for their lives away from Cobra Commander who had taken out his gun and started shooting wildly. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 162

“Come back and die like men you mice!” Cobra Commander screamed as he chased after them. “Great. We’re going to have to clean this up!” Zarana groaned. “Again!” She and her brothers ran after Cobra Commander. “The Commander was right,” Tomax quipped. “This meeting was better than usual,” Xamot grinned as the twins clinked glasses in celebration. “By the way…” The Baroness remarked. “Nice touch with the crayon and the misspelling on the suggestion note.” “I thought so,” Destro smirked.

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Chapter 25 A Pyromaniac Mink Milker “Well there they are,” Mindbender remarked as he walked in with the Crimson Twins into a large empty bar. Destro and Zartan were sitting in chairs at the bar drinking. “What are you two doing? Isn’t there a meeting we’re supposed to be at?” “We are, but we don’t want to go,” Zartan sighed as he took a drink. “It’s one of the Baroness’ things about gender equality and all that crap. I thought I’d better hide before she pulled out the whips. Then I discovered Destro down here. And I thought…Who would know better to hide from the Baroness than him?” “Good point,” Xamot remarked as the men went to the bar and started grabbing drinks for themselves. “So what do we do now?” Tomax asked. “Besides drink I mean?” “I was just thinking about my life and wondering where I went wrong,” Destro sighed as he took a drink. “What’s going on?” Cobra Commander walked in. “What the hell are you idiots doing now? Besides drinking up all the good whisky?” “And there it is,” Destro groaned. “I’m going to ignore that and move onto something more important. Pass the whisky I need a drink,” Cobra Commander snapped. “Here you go,” Zartan passed him a bottle. “So what is this meeting of the mindless about?” Cobra Commander asked. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 164

“Nothing. Just sitting here in the bar and drinking,” Mindbender shrugged. “Sounds good to me,” Cobra Commander shrugged. “Hey even terrorists need a break every now and then.” “Every now and then?” Zartan asked. “Cobra Commander you have eight meals a day and almost all of them consist entirely of liquids.” “Only seven meals,” Cobra Commander corrected. “I cut out my mid-morning break because it was interfering with my lunch. Turns out breakfast shakes with vodka in it fill you up pretty fast and can add on the pounds.” “How many vodka filled diet milkshakes do you drink?” Mindbender asked. “Five or six. And they’re regular milkshakes not diet,” Cobra Commander said. “What? I can’t stand the taste of diet milkshakes.” “I thought your uniform was looking tight on you lately,” Mindbender remarked. “At least I wear a uniform!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Destro you seem even more sullen than usual. I’m asking what’s wrong because honestly I have nothing better to do. And I figure this is a good way to kill time as well as brain cells.” “You never think about the past and wonder about…you know?” Destro sighed. “What if things were different? If you hadn’t done some actions…Or in some cases some people?” “Oh yes. But whenever I do I take this magical elixir that makes all those doubts and memories go away,” Cobra Commander sipped his drink through the straw in his helmet. “See? Works like a charm!” “I sometimes think of the past as well. In particular Agatha Muggullen,” Mindbender sighed. “Who?” Destro asked. “She was my first girlfriend. Back in high school,” Mindbender explained. “President of the Science Club. Chess champion. Straight A student. Mink milking champion and breeder. She had it all.” “Really?” Destro raised an eyebrow. “I’m not going to ask for details, for so many reasons…Just curious. Where did it go wrong?” “Well…Agatha was very competitive,” Mindbender sighed. “And she had a rival. Berta Higgenlooper. One day that competition went a little too far…” “What happened?” Destro asked. “What did you do?” “Not what I did,” Mindbender explained. “Agatha set the school on fire while trying to destroy Berta’s science fair project. And because I wouldn’t help her she dumped me!” “Wait you got dumped because you had scruples?” Zartan was surprised. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 165

“It was a long time ago! I wasn’t always the freethinking slightly psychopathic genius I am today!” Mindbender protested. “Remember? I was only a humble dentist before I evolved after using some of my experiments on myself!” “That does explain a few things about you,” Destro remarked. “What machine were you working on again?” “I was trying to find new ways to alleviate pain and suffering in my patients by using special neurotic pulses in certain areas of the brain,” Mindbender said. “I know right? What was I thinking? Ha! So glad I grew out of that phase!” “We’re not,” Xamot groaned. “Plus as it turned out Berta was a way better kisser than Agatha was,” Mindbender added. “No retainer to get in the way.” “Wait you went to Berta after Agatha?” Zartan asked. “Why not? Agatha dumped me and was in jail,” Mindbender shrugged. “I was a free man. And once the new skin grafts healed Berta became quite the looker. Her new nose was a work of art.” “Really?” Destro sighed. “Little tip gentlemen,” Mindbender grinned as he took a drink. “Burn unit patients are surprisingly grateful for just the right amount of attention.” “That does explain some of your dating habits,” Cobra Commander groaned. “To this day you’re the only man I know who cruises emergency wards to pick up women!” “My theory, the more damaged they are…The better my chances,” Mindbender grinned. “What about you Destro?” Tomax asked. “Who was your first serious girlfriend?” “My first girlfriend was Colleen McScabberton,” Destro spoke up. “Let me guess, she was a scullery maid and you were the lost lonely boy who no one understood,” Cobra Commander asked. “Except of course your parole officer.” “No, she was from a wealthy family as well,” Destro gave him a look. “And we first met when we were six. We grew up together. When we became teenagers it was assumed that one day we would get married and our two families would unite and become the most powerful land owning family in Scotland. And we were two crazy kids in love at the time so…” “So what happened?” Cobra Commander asked. “Well it wasn’t exactly one thing that broke us up,” Destro admitted. “It was a lot of little things. She wanted to go to a different college than I did and get her degree. I wanted to travel the world a little bit. Expand my horizons…” “Translation: You cheated on her every chance you got,” Cobra Commander said. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 166

“Not at first,” Destro admitted. “I was young and naïve and had no idea how helpful being rich was in getting laid. But once I figured that out…Oh man did I have a fun summer after I graduated high school!” “And I take it the fair Colleen was not happy with your new outlook on life,” Zartan scoffed. “Well no,” Destro sighed. “She also wasn’t happy that my father bankrupted her father and managed to legally steal her family’s land. Of course this made her family broke and lost their servants which my mother and aunt poached. As well as stealing some of their silverware…” “So basically it was kind of the last straw?” Mindbender asked. “Technically the last straw was when she caught me making out with her cousin after my father was caught making out with her mother,” Destro added. “That was a rather embarrassing funeral.” “Funeral?” Zartan asked. “Her father committed suicide,” Destro explained. “We all went to the funeral…My mother was passed out drunk in the vestibule. My father was horny…And Colleen’s cousin looked really good in black and…” “We get the picture,” Cobra Commander remarked. Destro sighed. “The last I saw of her was the police dragging her away after she tried to shoot me and my father with a crossbow. I wonder what happened to her? I mean I know she didn’t go to jail. We dropped the charges. It was the least we could do.” “The very least,” Tomax remarked. “That sort of sounds a little bit like my first love,” Zartan admitted. “Adrianna Del Mandrago. She came from a very wealthy family and had a summer house near the swamp I lived in. I was just a boy then. A young foolish sixteen year old lad that occasionally skimmed the scum out of her pool. But she was amazing. Italian. Taught me the language that summer. And so many other things. To this day she was one of the greatest lovers and one of the most beautiful women I had ever known.” “Aww that story is so sweet it almost gave me diabetes,” Cobra Commander said sarcastically. “I think it’s romantic!” Mindbender snapped. “You dated a pyromaniac mink milker! Of course you would!” Cobra Commander snapped. “Ignore him. So what happened?” Mindbender asked. “Well it was wonderful but as you know, such love affairs don’t last,” Zartan sighed. “Needless to say her family didn’t approve.” BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 167

“Oh, her father didn’t approve of you?” Mindbender asked. “No. It was her husband,” Zartan corrected. “She was forty five at the time but she looked amazing! Like in her twenties amazing! And this was way before Botox and implants so…” “Moving on,” Destro turned around. “Crimson Twins you’re up. Who was your first?” “May and June Burkel,” Tomax said. “They were Siamese twins at the circus we worked at,” Xamot added. “Didn’t last too long however,” Tomax remarked. “They thought we were too close as brothers…” Xamot explained. “And said we were a little creepy,” Tomax finished. “Coming from two women who probably shared a liver that’s saying something,” Cobra Commander scoffed. “Speaking of creepy…” Xamot gave Cobra Commander a look. “What about your first girlfriend Cobra Commander?” Tomax asked. “This should be interesting,” Destro remarked. “Well…Keep in mind Cobra La society is a little different than human society in its social mores,” Cobra Commander explained. “We don’t have girlfriends or boyfriends or go on dates. We have arranged marriages within acceptable social circles and based on comparative genetics. At a very young age all Cobra La children are genetically mapped and put in a database to help find the appropriate partner when they grow up to produce quality offspring.” “Really? Then how did you happen?” Zartan chuckled. “Let’s just say bribes weren’t uncommon,” Cobra Commander admitted. “If one’s genes were exceptionaly higher than their class perimeters they were allowed to marry into a higher class. This not only prevented inbreeding among the upper classes it was an acceptable form of social climbing.” “So how much did your Mom pay to move on up to the deluxe apartment in the bug filled sky?” Xamot quipped. “It was my father and according to him he overpaid for what he got,” Cobra Commander groaned. “He was originally from the warrior class and he was able to move on up to the noble class so he could marry my mother. Well he didn’t know my mother until after he paid the bribe but…” “I thought Cobra La warriors were mindless drones raised in labs?” Destro asked. “They are. But the captains and the generals and all the other higher level officers aren’t,” Cobra Commander explained. “That explains why I am such a tactical genius. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 168

It runs in my family.” “You mean bribery runs in your family,” Destro groaned. “You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Cobra Commander said. “So your people invented computer dating? Interesting,” Mindbender nodded. “And you never met your bride before…?” Destro asked. “Oh, no, no! It doesn’t work like that!” Cobra Commander said. “See once the computer maps your genetics and social class it runs a match and narrows down three to seven potential mates. Then came the selection process at age seventeen.” “Selection process?” Destro asked. “Yes. There would be a series of dinners and meetings from six months to a year between not only the potential couples but their families,” Cobra Commander said. “This would ensure a harmonious blending of personalities and see how the families would get along which was just as important as genetics.” “And I’m going to take a wild guess that your bride didn’t have much family did she?” Destro asked. “No, she didn’t,” Cobra Commander sighed. “The other family arrangements and get-togethers didn’t go well. There were a few…incidents. And fires. And stabbings.” “Sounds like some of my family get-togethers,” Destro and Zartan said at the same time. “Jinx!” Zartan spoke up. “You owe me a drink.” “Of course if we’re talking about first sexual experiences well,” Cobra Commander admitted. “Let’s just say it wasn’t uncommon for noble families to pay for a sex education professional if you get my drift.” “So your father paid for a hooker for you before you got married?” Zartan asked. “No,” Cobra Commander sighed. “He paid for a hooker for my fiancé. He said she deserved at least one night of fun before marrying me. He always did like her better than me.” “Well this has been interesting,” Destro groaned. “And by interesting I mean completely a waste of time.” “Isn’t anyone going to ask me about my first love?” Zandar spoke from the shadows. “Damn it! Zandar how long have you been there?” Zartan was stunned. “I was here before him,” Zandar showed himself and pointed to Destro. He’d been sitting in a chair that was partially obscured by shadows. “I hate it when you do that,” Cobra Commander shuddered involuntarily. “How do BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 169

you do that?” “Last I checked Zartan was the one with the weird camouflage ability,” Mindbender remarked. “He is. I’m just that good,” Zandar smirked. “You always have to rub it in,” Zartan grumbled. “Even as boys you always had to show me up!” “Never lost a game of hide and seek in my life,” Zandar grinned. “Sometimes it would be weeks after the game before people found me.” “You were stuck outside in the woods for weeks while…?” Destro began. “Of course not. During those times I’d just go off to my other…Never mind,” Zandar waved. “Not important.” “Don’t play dumb! Unlike all the other Dreadnoks that’s not your strong suit!” Zartan grumbled. “Somehow he managed to weasel himself into a rich family on the good side of town. And they believed he was their son!” “They five other kids in a huge house and weren’t exactly the most attentive family in the world,” Zandar explained. “One day I just wandered into their yard and the next thing I knew I was in the Chuzzelwit Family Picture.” “Isn’t that the name of the family of bankers that made their money investing in Australia’s railroads?” Destro was impressed. “Yes. And they’re also drunk off their ass all the time,” Zandar said. “It was pretty easy to impersonate one of their kids. All I had to do whenever the parents were in the room was say ‘Yes Sir’ or ‘Yes, Mama’ in a polite tone and they bought it.” “And how long did this charade go on?” Destro was surprised. “It still is,” Zandar remarked. “To this day I still get the family Christmas card.” “Yeah and he got put in Grandpa Chuzzlewit’s will somehow!” Zartan barked. “Over some members of his own family!” “He liked me,” Zandar shrugged. “I was the only person willing to listen to his war stories.” “He wasn’t even in the war!” Zartan barked. “He ran the black market!” “Still good stories,” Zandar shrugged. “Anyway that brings us to my first love. Maybelline Chuzzlewit. She was the only member of the family with the brains to figure out I wasn’t a relative. But she needed someone to help her carry out her schemes so she and I had a partnership that developed into something more. I remember the first time we made out in the Butler’s Pantry. It was magical.” “Again, no one figured this out?” Destro was surprised. BD NOSTALGIA FANFIC 5 | Year of the Cobra | 170

“Again I got lucky,” Zandar explained. “Turns out Chuzzlewits making out with their relatives wasn’t exactly an uncommon thing.” “Eww…” The Crimson Twins said as one. “Oh like you two are ones to judge!” Zartan barked. “Neither should you!” Zandar barked. “You still pretend to be Thrasher to that twit of an uncle of his!” “Oh right,” Zartan remembered. “So how did it end?” “It just did. She just went off to Europe to snag herself a fortune and a rich husband and that was the end of it,” Zandar shrugged. “But we left on good terms.” “Really?” Cobra Commander asked. “Who do you think helped me get into Grandpa Chuzzlewit’s will?” Zandar asked. “Well this has been a fascinating evening,” Destro got up. “I admit I learned something about all of you tonight. You people are far worse than I imagined.” “WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU IDIOTS?” The Baroness’s voice was heard. “But not as bad as that!” Destro yelled as the men stampeded to get away.

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Coming out soon, One Piece

Star Crossed

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