The Ocelot 162 December 2019

Lifestyle and Culture Magazine

Wiltshire, Oxfordshire and West Berkshire

‘It’s The Ocelot Christmas special innit!’

What's on Ocelot 162 December edition.indd 1

No: 162 December 2019

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/ STYLE / EATS / BREWS / SCREEN / COMMENT 20/11/2019 14:09

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Jody and The Jerms take the Oxford music scene by storm p24 Magazine highlights 04 Our Man in Japan 06 Encyclopaedia Ocelotica 10 An alternative Christmas 15 Brews and Eats 22 Alternative to panto guide 30 Agony Girl

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The Editorial Team EDITOR - Jamie Hill - jamie@theocelot.co.uk DEPUTY EDITOR - Ben Fitzgerald - ben@theocelot.co.uk FEATURES - Claire Dukes - claire@theocelot.co.uk The Sales Team Dave Stewart dave@theocelot.co.uk - 07872 176999 Rosy Presley rosy@positive-media.co.uk - 07717 501790 Main Number - 01793 320043 Positive Media Group, Old Bank House, 5 Devizes Road, Swindon SN1 4BJ PRINTED BY - Deltor, Saltash, Cornwall

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Our man in Japan

By Bill Hill - Our Man in Japan

Bill Hill is living in Japan for the next few months learning the language and catching some rugby on his travels. This month he gets lost on the streets of Yokahama.

Evening of Saturday 2 November through to early hours Sunday 3 November ...

Reeling from the spectacle of a successful England team defeat to South Africa in the 2019 Rugby World Cup Final in Yokohama, I went with Robert from Gloucestershire, who I’d met at one of the games and then miraculously bumped into three times in three weeks at various rugby venues, to Yokohama station. The idea was to grab one more beer somewhere near my digs in Yokohama Station’s “Sky Spa” capsule hotel, after checking in, which had to be done before midnight. Finding the place, and checking in, is a story in itself. I’ll spare you another long sentence... until the next paragraph.

We wended our way out of the Sky Spa, in search of beer; which we found.. in a nice little bar, God knows where. All I know is that it was a mere pebble toss from the station. One beer became three, approximately. I haplessly managed to help Robert get a taxi, drawing on my increasingly broken Japanese to communicate the destination to the driver. Might never know whether Robert got to his hostel.

I then managed to not know how to get back to the capsule place, even though I’m sure it was very very close.

Ended up asking the police who seemed to intimate it was right around the block ...Within a few steps, however, the around-the-block route started to look both confusing and daunting. Asked a couple of guys outside a bar (looked like they worked there) who advised me to get a taxi and helped me stop one. I couldn’t understand why I was getting a taxi to a place that was surely extremely close. I think the police had said the route through the station was now closed, so I’d have go in a different entrance.

I chuntered away at the taxi driver when he dropped me outside a place called Sky Spa.. ie the correct name,

SUN - SW NATI

WED DRA - BAN - 7.30

FRI 6 - TOO - 8.30

but I was convinced this must be a different branch, as we’d been driving for a few minutes. Entered the building but couldn’t work out what to do or where to go. Saw a black chap and figured he might be non-Japanese and therefore know some English. He was “Thomas” the American.

He asked around and gleaned that the Sky Spa was on the 14th floor. We ended up having an hour’s conversation, outside the lift, about what lies beneath the lovely Japanese exterior. He’d been in the country 15 years and had a marriage, couple of kids, a divorce, and God knows what else safely under his belt. We talked, sex, racism, relationships ... in fact, no stone unturned on the conversation topic front, I’d say. His take on life in Japan for a foreigner was imbued with what I’d call a healthy dose of realism, cynicism, or both. Message along the lines of “not all is as it seems” / “enjoy, but be ever so slightly wary”. Interesting. I’m not sure how to arrange Thomas’ gems of advice and pearls of wisdom in my head.

14th floor and the capsule beckoned....

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SAT - 00’S - 11p

FRI 1 ROC - CHA FANT

FRI 2 - SW

SAT - LEA - 8.30

FRI 2 - ALT

SAT - NU-

TUE - SW - FAN

DECEMBER 2019

MON 2nd MANIC MONDAYS GAME NIGHT SUN 1st SWINDON DOES CHRISTMAS - SWINDON MUSICIANS RAISE MONEY FOR - EVERY FORTNIGHT- 6pm-11pm NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION - 4pm-11pm FRI 6th NEW DEVICE W/SUPPORT FROM ALICIA - HARD ROCK ORIGINALS WED 4th WSTR/GETRZ/THEOXYMORA/ - 9pm-11.30pm DRAG ME DOWN - BANDIT MUSIC PROUDLY PRESENTS SAT 7th JAMIE THYER AND THE WORRIED - 7.30pm-11.30pm - £10 adv/£13 otd MEN - HARD BLUES ROCK - 9pm-11.30pm FRI 6th THE PERFECT TOOL - TOOL & A PERFECT CIRCLE TRIBUTE BAND FRI 13th METAL GODS - HEAVY METAL CLASSICS - 9pm-11.30pm - 8.30pm-11.30pm - £10 SAT 7th BLACK PARADE - 00’S EMO & POP-PUNK CLUB NIGHT - 11pm-3am - £4 FRI 13th SUE RYDER CHRISTMAS ROCK ‘N’ ROLL CHARITY NIGHT - CHARITY FUNDRAISER WITH SOME FANTASTIC LIVE ACTS - 6.30pm-3am - £8 FRI 20th PRIDE CHRISTMAS PARTY - SWINDON PRIDE - 9pm-3am - £5 SAT 21st DAVE MCPHERSON - LEAD SINGER OF INME SOLO SHOW - 8.30pm-11.30pm - £6 adv/£8 otd FRI 27th 80’S VS 90’S - ALTERNATIVE CLUB NIGHT - 9pm-3.30am SAT 28th FREAK ON A LEASH - NU-METAL CLUB NIGHT - 9pm-3am

SAT 14th ROCKABILLY RUMBLE - ROCKABILLY - 9pm-11.30pm MON 16th MANIC MONDAYS GAME NIGHT - EVERY FORTNIGHT- 6pm-11pm THUR 19th JOLLY ROLLY CHRISTMAS DINNER & DISCO - 7pm-12 midnight FRI 20th THE VIPERS - 1950’s ROCK N’ ROLL - 9pm-11.30pm SAT 21st SHEPHERDS PIE - HEAVY METAL AND CLASSIC ROCK COVERS - 9pm-11.30pm FRI 27th THE NAUGHTIES - ALT-ROCK COVERS FROM THE 00’S - 9pm-11.30pm SAT 28th THE PUBLICANS - ANGLO CELTIC FOLKERY FROM 14 LEGGED BEAST- 9pm-11.30pm

TUE 31st-1st JAN NYE WITH KOVA ME BADD MON 30th MANIC MONDAYS GAME NIGHT - SWINDON’S #1 PARODY BAND - FANCY DRESS NYE - 9pm-4am (Jan 1st) - £5 - EVERY FORTNIGHT- 6pm-11pm

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By Ben Fitzgerald

Encyclopedia Ocelotica: The anti ageing pill

Youth is wasted on the young - as the bitter old saying goes.

But perhaps the elderly will now get a chance to show what they can do with it.

Imagine a pill that could stave off the spectre of ageing - such a thing could be available within a decade. Note the word ‘could’ is doing some heavy lifting here.

The emerging science of senolytics is showing some success in targeting senescent cells - faulty cells that get left behind as we age - like irritating people who don’t get the hint at a house party.

Rather than getting removed by the body, these ‘zombie cells’ hang around, emitting substances that cause inflammation which can in turn transform other cells into senescent cells. Which is why

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we tend to fall apart as we age.

Annoying.

However progress is being made. Scientists working at the Mayo Clinic, based in Minnesota, were able to genetically manipulate the cells of mice in 2016 - proving the effectiveness of their theories by releasing a photograph of two mice. Both the same age, one is obviously younger looking, having had its zombie cells removed by the scientists. And whilst this treatment is not yet safe to use on human patients, research is continuing apace - with the possibility of using the treatment within the decade. While the senolytics treatment will not make you live forever - it can in theory prolong healthy old age. That

said, there’s a good chance that, if it can be made to work, it will help extend lifespan - staving off chronic diseases which doctors are currently called upon to fend off like a big game of wack-a-mole.

Of course, just because you can do something doesn’t necessarily mean that you should.

Who should be eligible for such a life prolonging treatment?

Inevitably, because life isn’t fair, it will be given to those who have the largest bank accounts.

And at a time when the planet is struggling from human over population, do we really need people to live longer? Have you met older people - most of them are bloody awful.

Maybe youth should remain the preserve of the young.

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Three men out stand Words by Jamie Hill

Three white middle aged men are out standing in a field.

Another very red faced man dressed in teal and purple lies injured at their feet.

And they are arguing.

They take little notice that the field has become an island as rising flood waters surround them on all sides.

Liberal Democrat is uncomfortably cold. He clasps his yellow anorak closer around him and shivers.

He said: “I never wanted for us to be cut off. I still wanted to be a part of it. We should never have left.”

The man at his feet, through gritted teeth, grunts. He is severely injured, most likely dying. If you listened closely you could hear him whispering ‘LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE’ repeatedly. The other three pay the dying man no mind.

He is insignificant to them now. They never really knew what he stood for. Brexit Party was his name. He had become a nomark to the others. A fad. Like Gangham Style or Mr Blobby. A sideshow curiosity.

Responding to Liberal Democrat, Labour Party, dressed in his dirt-stained red worker overalls looked a bit flustered.

He said: “I never really wanted to leave but the people had spoken. We couldn’t ignore them. They had spoken.”

Conservative Party was still quite snug in his blue Barbour jacket. The cold didn’t bother him. But he still shivered at Labour Party’s words.

He said: “Well, I do realise that it was actually me who asked them to decide but who would have ever thought that they would take leave of their senses and actually decide

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to leave?”

Labour Party rubbed his brow leaving earthy brown marks across his forehead. He said: “Well, I could have told you that. People back then were fucked off. If you had asked them anything they would have done the opposite of what you wanted. You lot in your suits, stuffing your faces, whilst you cut everything else to buggery. You managed to rile everybody up with ‘austerity’ making sure you always scapegoated someone else other than yourselves as to why everything was falling apart. You bloody blamed benefit cheats first, then immigrants and then eventually during the referendum campaign you blamed the EU. No wonder they said they wanted to leave. Bloody idiots.”

Liberal Democrat spoke up then. “Urm, guys, the water seems to be rising a lot now. It’s going to reach us soon.”

Labour Party gave Liberal Democrat an angry look. He said: “And you’re worse than the bloody Tories so you can shut up. You were part of The Government who gave us ‘austerity’. You expect it from ol’ Barbour Jacket over there but never from you lot. You were part of the cause. Bloody tuition fees.”

Liberal Democrat retorted: “I do take offence at your tone Labour Party. We tried our best and the voters did punish us for it. But we were a different party by the time we eventually left. We were the only ones who wanted to remain. All of you lot were just hellbent on taking us out of Europe. And you did nothing whilst all this was going on. As an opposition you missed countless open goals. The Tories

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were gi infightin that get Cons that now his mind you two born to decision want to breathe balls to Labo longer a All th Party ha Cons never ‘L All th Liber was ent Labo England parties the wall longer w Cons “Yea

anding in their field

wn ve ou had site of aces, ed to ways o why nefit ng the r they

ater on.” k. He u can us there loody

our did time ed to out of on. As ories

were giving you it on a platter but you just had to have your infighting and your northern leave seats. Well, where did that get you?”

Conservative Party smiled at this, although he did notice that now the waters were at his feet but he dismissed it from his mind. He said: “I do love it when you two bicker. What you two have always failed to understand is that I was born to rule and have always been able to make the tough decisions. Not like you namby pamby snowflakes who just want to build your safe spaces and nationalise the air we breathe. We might have started it but by God we had the balls to get the job done.”

Labour Party noticed something then. Brexit Party was no longer at their feet.

All three looked around them until they spotted that Brexit Party had floated away and was bobbing into the distance.

Conservative Party said: “That’s good. I thought he would never ‘LEAVE’.”

All three laughed at that.

Liberal Democrat said: “I do miss the others you know. It was entertaining to have them around.”

Labour Party said: “It was a shame that they all left England. Plaid Cymru over the Severn Bridge, the Irish parties across the sea and Scottish Nationalist Party beyond the wall. I guess after we left the European Union they no longer wanted to hang around with us. Bit sad really.”

Conservative Party said: “I don’t miss them.”

“Yeah, but that was only because they kept shouting at

you. And SNP could swear like a trooper.” Liberal Democrat said whilst grinning.

Labour Party looked at the water around them. It was now up to their knees. He said: “You know this is it don’t you?

We’ll all be gone soon. It’ll just be water.”

Conservative Party said: “To give us all credit though we did all try but we couldn’t bankrupt ourselves at the same time.”

Liberal Democrat said: “It’s weird to think that Green Party was right. I really miss her you know. It was a shame when the sea claimed Brighton.”

All three looked at the water.

Labour Party said: “It’s quite sad really to know that this is it. That we wasted all of this time on Brexit whilst it was all going to shit. I think we’re all to blame a bit.”

Liberal Democrat nodded in agreement. The water was just below his neck now.

Conservative Party said: “Well, I for one, know that I’m not to blame. It was all those immigrants and benefit scroungers!”

He paused. “Only joking. I know it was us. But it’s always been party before country. It’s always been that way.”

As he uttered the words he could see that Labour Party and Liberal Democrat were gone, taken by the rising waters.

He had one final thought before the waters rose above his head.

“Fuck!”

And then England was gone.

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Embracing the true me

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I was wiping away a sentimental tear after watching Mrs Miracle 2: Miracle in Manhattan’ when I got to thinking - what with all the turmoil and social upheaval that we face in these troubled times perhaps it’s apt to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas.

If you are familiar with the movie, you will have noticed that the cast of Mrs Miracle 2: Miracle in Manhattan are super keen to remind us that the true meaning of Christmas is not about material things but about appreciating those you love.

This is odd because the very existence of Mrs Miracle 2:

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Miracle in Manhattan is a purely commercial decision presumably aimed at following up on the runaway box office success of Mrs Miracle - a film I’ve yet to see.

But everyone in the movie really did look sincere when they hugged each other in soft focus and wished each other a happy Christmas, so who am I to doubt them?

If we are to really dig up the true meaning of Christmas, it’s worth looking at the fact that the real festival is hidden beneath a huge Christianity rebrand - with Christmas riding on the runaway success of the ancient pagan

festival Yuletide - by uncanny happenstance, much like Mrs Miracle 2: Miracle in Manhattan is hanging on to the coat tails of its earlier incarnation.

The winter festival of Yule - which celebrates the annual rebirth of the Great horned hunter god, was celebrated on the Winter Solstice (21 December), and involved a great deal of drinking, slaughtering of animals and ‘heavy petting’.

The ancient Christian marketing executives also drew the Roman festival of Saturnalia into the mix. Saturnalia was also a bit of a knees-up in which the usual

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e meaning of Christmas

By Ben Fitzgerald

laws designed to keep everyone acting sensibly were suspended for a brief time.

The celebration of Saturn, the Roman god of agriculture, liberation and funk soul music, was a time of feasting, role reversals, free speech, gift-giving and free love.

After solstice, the renewal of light and the coming of the new year was celebrated in the later Roman Empire with Sol Invictus, the “Birthday of the Unconquerable Sun,” on December 25.

Ok, I can understand that a full-on return to celebrating the

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Birth of the Unconquerable Sun might be a little hard to handle, especially if you fail to warn your close relatives when they pop over in the afternoon.

Gallons of dried animal blood can be surprisingly tricky to remove from sofa fabric and cavorting about naked makes it very difficult for those who want to listen respectfully to the Queen’s speech.

I suppose communication is key here. If you plan to embrace the original meaning of Christmas, you need to ensure that Bob and Jean know what to expect…

Mince pies are probably not

going to feature heavily.

Dress code is less about ‘fun smart-casual’ and more likely to involve some kind of hat, made out of antlers and fur… and nothing much else apart from some strategically applied blue woad. Ideally they should bring a selection of psychedelic mushrooms and maybe a sacrificial farm animal of their choosing if they want to create a good impression - and ensure a bounteous harvest for the coming year.

Oh, and perhaps some of those nice After Eight mints to go with a coffee at the end of the evening.

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Rebel without a Claus For film fans Christmas is definitely the most magical time of the year as they can totally shut out the world over the break and bask in celluloid heaven. But it’s never just about festive-themed films. Jamie Hill looks at those movies that have become Christmas musts with hardly a bauble or Santa in sight.

It was always my favourite time of year.

Every year I would excitedly wait for the Christmas TV guide to see what movie treats would lie in store for us over the festive fortnight.

It was different times. There was no Sky Plus, no streaming and just the four channels to choose from.

But in a way, having to set the video recorder or actually having to make sure I was tuned in for the celluloid treat at the actual time made it more of an event. Something special.

And although I had a real soft spot for Christmas themed films from It’s a Wonderful Life or Miracle on 34th Street, it was the other films that would be screened that would get me in a lather.

In recent times, it’s stll a special time for film but now it is taken up

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with Pixar films, Elf, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Star Wars (the new ones not the old ones as the old ones have been Christmas event films since the Eighties!).

So I’ve compiled a subjective list of my favourite Alternative Christmas films. My criteria is quite simple. Essentially it’s got to be a film that you can watch with family gathered round the ol’ telly box during the festive period but first and foremost it’s not thematically about Christmas (so, sorry Elf and Home Alone). Granted there might be a few on here that you might have to put the younger kids to bed first to really enjoy them (be warned this althernative Christmas movie list does seem to be a bit Eighties heavy). I’ve done twelve entries so that you can watch one a day during the twelve days of Christmas.

1. GREMLINS This is a film that has Christmas stamped all over it and has the greatest festive monologue ever put on the screen as Phoebe Cates describes what happened to her dad one Christmas. Black humour and soft horror is peppered throughout. This was the film that led to the global decline in Mogwai sales something that basement Chinese curiosity shops have been gnashing their teeth about ever since.

2. DIE HARD There’s so much of Christmas in this Bruce Willis in a vest-starrer that there’s hardly a frame without a bauble popping up. It’s even got the late great Alan Rickman chewing up the scenery (he shows up elsewhere in this list) Definitely one to sup egg nog to on the night before Christmas once the kids are safely tucked up in bed.

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3. THE WIZARD OF OZ There’s just something about this lush, beautiful film from way back in 1939 that makes it a festive staple to sit around with the famalam. It really does remind you that there is no place like home as we follow Dorothy through the colourful world of Oz. 4. THE GREAT ESCAPE Sometimes when you’re sitting there surrounded by family you do feel that you need to escape and this film is the best antidote to that. So as you’re chewing down on your turkey leg and biting your tongue as your ‘little bit racist’ uncle Barry launches into another Brexit diatribe make like the Cooler King and chuck on this fantastic war film.

5. THE SPY WHO LOVED ME What’s Christmas without a bit of Bond. The British spy might as well be permanently placed in a Christmas stocking. In The Spy Who Loved Me we’re at peak Roger Moore at his eye twinkling tongue in cheek best.

Chuck it on and bask in a world of insane stunts and smooth inuendo.

6. HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX The Harry Potter films are definitely perfectly made for Christmas family

viewing and if I had a choice it would be the fifth movie that I would choose to chuck on as it was when the franchise was at its magical best.

7. DADDY’S HOME 2 Probably a surprise entry in this list just because it’s a sequel to a film that didn’t exactly do amazing box office but with it being set over yuletide and with Mel Gibson and John Lithgow added to the Will Ferrel and Mark Wahlberg mix it is genuinely funny and comes across as sweet but not too sweet.

8. THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK I like my Christmas Pudding with a bit of Han Solo in carbonite on the side. If you close your eyes in this film you can easily imagine the ice planet Hoth as the North Pole and the stormtroopers busy beavering away in their AT ATs as Santa’s helpers (which would make Darth Vader Santa himself - Well, he does feel your presents!?!?)

9. THE HOBBIT: AN UNEXPECTED JOURNEY Snow White only had seven but JRR Tolkein went the whole hog with 13 dwarves. There’s a sense of fun in this film that is missing from the more adult Lord of the Rings films. This is a film made with love and passion with

Martin Freeman stealing the show as Bilbo Baggins.

10. WALL:E Nothing says Christmas more than a depiction of a destroyed world that has suffered environmental collapse with humanity reduced to fat blobs on an orbiting spacecraft waited on hand and foot by robots. But it’s Pixar who have that amazing ability to add nuance and heart without taking away from the fun.

11. INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE Harrison Ford might not be in carbonite in this film but he’s definitely put through his paces when his father Sean Connery comes along for the ride. One part buddy movie, one part riproaring adventure yarn and one part father and son bonding film. A masterclass in good comedic action with added Nazis.

12. ROBIN HOOD: PRINCE OF THIEVES Alan Rickman pops up again but this time he wants to cancel Christmas as he battles Kevin Costner’s mullet and Bryan Adams’ caterwauling in this fun depiction of the hooded outlaw. Marvel at how Robin manages to get from Dover to Nottingham in a heartbeat.

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Christmas drinks Christmas is not a time to be subtle - especially where cocktails are concerned.

At this time of the year, your go-to drinks should be exactly the opposite to the kind of people you might want to invite round to your house to enjoy them.

So... without anymore ado, here are some of the most brash, loud and tastless tipples that you might want to concoct this festive season.

white christmas mojito Ingredients: juice of 1 lime 8 leaves mint 1 tablespoon sugar 2 tablespoons white rum 1 tablespoon coconut rum dash of canned coconut milk sparkling water pomegranate In a glass, muddle the lime juice, sugar and mint leaves. Fill the glass half way with ice. In a blender, combine the white rum, coconut rum, and coconut milk and pulse until smooth. Pour over the ice and stir to combine. Top with sparkling water, mint and pomegranate. Bish!

poinsettia spritz punch Ingredients: splash of vodka cranberry juice or pomegranate juice 2 ounces elderflower liquor A splash of champagne fresh cranberriesIn a large pitcher, combine the vodka, cranberry juice and elderflower liquor.

Chill until ready to serve.

When ready to serve, add the champagne and cranberries. Pour among glasses and garnish with rosemary and orange zest. Bosh!

the north pole Ingredients: 4 ounces vodka 2 ounces KahlĂşa or more to taste 4 tablespoons chocolate syrup 1 teaspoon vanilla extract 3 teaspoons molasses 1/8 teaspoon ginger whipped cream, candy canes and gingerbread cookies In a cocktail shaker combine the vodka, KahlĂşa, chocolate syrup, vanilla, molasses, and ginger. Shake until well combined. Add ice and shake again.

Strain into 4 glasses. Dollop with whipped cream. Bash!

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The yuletide win

Appy days! Wine expertise at your fingertips!

By Darren Willmott of vinesight.me

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Christmas is always cracking for wine lovers - thanks to parties and dinners filling the diary, as well as both choosing and receiving wonderfully boozy gifts. There’s always the feeling of wanting to splash out and indulge just that little bit more than usual.

If you’re not feeling hugely confident on what to drink or what wine gifts to give to others then fret not as, like with most things, there’s an app out there to do the hard yards for you.

Free to download, Vivino lets you scan bottle labels to uncover all sorts of useful information ranging from tasting notes and producer information to customer ratings and similar wines you might like to try.

You can track, store and share your thoughts on any wines you try, or are interested in trying.

You also get to see the average market price per bottle, very useful in a supermarket, but use with caution in restaurants as seeing how much of a mark-up there is might leave a sour taste in the mouth, rather than the taste of the wine.

Used furtively you can pretend to be a wine genius in front of your friends, but if that’s not your bag, why not give my annual wine quiz a try instead? It’s wine themed, but not so tough that you’ll need Vivino to help you solve it.

Cheers!

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ide wine column

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The recipe

Rum Cake Popular in the Caribbean, rum cake is a vanilla cake that has rum in the batter.

Traditionally, dried fruit is soaked in rum for months and then added to the cake batter, but this is a more accessible homemade version.

Look for a robust rum that has lots of vanilla and spice flavour. A more subtle light rum won’t have a pronounced flavour after the cake bakes. When tightly wrapped in foil or plastic wrap, rum cake will last up to two weeks in the fridge.

DIRECTIONS Preheat oven to 350° and grease and flour cake tin. Add chopped walnuts to bottom of pan.

In a large bowl, whisk together cake mix and pudding mix. Add eggs, melted butter, water, and rum and mix until combined.

Pour batter into bundt pan and bake until a toothpick inserted in the middle comes out clean, 1 hour. Let cool 10 minutes then invert onto a cooling rack.

While cake is still warm, make glaze: In a medium saucepan over medium heat, melt butter, sugar, rum, and water. Let boil for 5

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minutes.

Poke cake all over with a toothpick then brush cake with glaze. Let glaze soak in and repeat until you’ve used all glaze.

For the cake: 125g unsalted butter 250g self-raising flour 60g walnuts, chopped 30g cornflour 3 tsp baking powder 1 tsp salt 4 eggs 200ml whole milk 200ml dark rum 1 tbsp vanilla extract 6 tbsp vegetable oil 300g granulated sugar 1 x 75g packet creme caramel pudding For the rum syrup: 125g unsalted butter 75ml water 150g granulated sugar pinch of salt 100ml dark rum

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A history of Turkey

Let’s face facts, turkey is not that great. It’s a big old slab of bland protein. The best thing you can say about it is that it’s like tofu - in that it’s quite good at taking on the flavours of everything else around it.

If I was asked to imagine what we might be eating in the year 3034 - when we are all eating simulated ‘food’ from giant orbiting labs - I’m pretty sure it would be exactly like turkey breast.

So why does it feature as the centrepiece for most people’s Christmas lunch? In this country, we buy around 10 million turkeys each festive period.

But the consumption of turkey on such a huge scale didn’t happen until relatively recently. Turkeys were generally thought of as a luxury until the 1950s when they became more widely available.

That said, people with more money than taste have been scoffing turkey for hundreds of years - with the first being brought to Britain in the 1520s from Mexico via traders from the middle east.

Hence the name turkey.

By Ben Fitzgerald

It is thought that King Henry VIII was one of the first to chow down on turkey on Christmas Day - most probably half eating an enormous drumstick before throwing it over his shoulder and demanding someone chop his current wife’s head off.

The turkey eating trend took off with the Tudors and began to spread to those who could afford it.

Two centuries on, turkeys were still quite exclusive, with rabbit, goose and beef still the preferred festive dish among Victorians. And frankly who can blame them?

But it was gradually catching on as an alternative, increasingly being referenced in popular culture. In Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol, published in 1843, Scrooge sends Bob Cratchit a massive turkey to replace his goose.

It was finally the industrial revolution that brought turkeys to the masses - with the arrival of railways, refrigeration and intensive farming.

Turkeys.. they’re bootiful! (They’re not.)

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Too Pretty To Punch Saturday 22 February Arts at the Old Fire Station, Oxford Photograph: Edalia Day A hilarious and uplifting journey through what it means to be trans in 21st century Britain. It reminds all of us (regardless of who we are) of the power of celebrating our existence. www.oldfirestation.org.uk

Theatre for the months ahead

By Claire Dukes

If you’re over Christmas before it’s even started, then fear not you’re not alone (and you can still go out to the theatre).

There are plenty of shows on the horrizon that aren’t kicking around glitter and shoving forced merriment down your throat.

Over the next few months we’ve got left field adapatations, an award-winning Gaga impersonator (who also acts as Gaga’s character in a relatively well-known film) and ground-breaking looks at life in the 21st century.

If you’re also like me, then there are plenty of shows out of the Christmas bubble to start booking as we brace ourselves for 2020.

My must-see: Too Pretty To Punch.

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Dr John Cooper Clarke

Rare Productions’ Annie

A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Where: New Theatre, Oxford When: 1 December www.atgtickets.com John’s new show is a breathtaking showcase of poetry and spoken work featuring pieces from his new collection, as well as his usual musings, chat, riffs and gags.

“A chance to see a living legend at the top of his game.”

Where: Corn Exchange, Newbury When: 16 - 18 January www.cornexchangenew.com With equal measures of pluck and positivity, little orphan Annie charms everyone’s hearts despite a next-tonothing start in 1930s New York City.

In adventure after fun-filled adventure, this is the perfect familyfriendly musical!

Where: The Watermill, Newbury When: 19 February - 7 March www.watermill.org.uk Enter a world of dreams and desire in this soulful, spell-binding comedy that combines wit and romance with a unique approach to Shakespeare.

Fizzing with magic in an enchanted Victorian music hall; secrets, love and mistaken identities collide.

A Star Is Born This Way

Pride and Prejudice* (*sort of)

Any Suggestions, Doctor?

Where: Wyvern Theatre, Swindon When: 7 March www.swindontheatres.co.uk Experience the magic as the multiaward-winning Lady Gaga tribute impersonator Donna Marie transforms into Ally Maine to give you a truly all live Ally concert. The show later transpires into a celebration of Lady Gaga’s biggest hits.

Where: Oxford Playhouse When: 10 - 14 March www.oxfordplayhouse.com This is an adaptation like no other.

Six young women have a story to tell. Men, money and microphones will be fought over in this loving and irreverent all-female adaptation of Jane Austen’s unrivalled literary classic.

Where: Swindon Arts Centre When: 6 June www.swindontheatres.co.uk The Improvised Doctor Who Parody is landing near you! Travel anywhere in time and space with a live radiophonic workshop, incredible props, set and a collection of hilarious improv comedy performances made entirely from your suggestions. Allons-y!

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David Baddiel: Trolls Not The Dolls Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Saturday 4 April Tickets: £31.50 www.swindontheatres.co.uk

The anti-panto guide (aka The Ocelot’s comedy line-up)

By Claire Dukes

I won’t lie, I have enjoyed a panto in my time (one, to be exact). But let’s not beat around the bush, it was a free ticket in exchange for a review - I haven’t actually paid to see a panto (and probably never will)...

I laughed at points - it wasn’t the worst time to be alive - and found it surpringly uplifting for a grinch

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but, in all honesty, I’d rather hit a comedy show and one of my favourites (Stuart Lee) is in town soon!

Granted, some - in fact, most - of these shows aren’t around Christmas time but they could (if you’re scarce of ideas) make an excellent Christmas present (and with that, hopefully mine’s sorted)!

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Jack Whitehall

Suzi Ruffel

Ardal O’Hanlon

New Theatre, Oxford Monday 2 December Tickets: from £33.90 www.atgtickets.com

Pound Arts Centre, Corsham Saturday 14 December Tickets: £15 www.poundarts.org.uk

Oxford Playhouse Sunday 16 February Tickets: £24 www.oxfordplayhouse.com

Jimmy Carr

Stewart Lee

Josh Widdicombe

Oasis, Swindon Thursday 20 February Tickets: £33.50 www.swindontheatres.co.uk

Oxford Playhouse Mon 24 - Sat 29 February Tickets: from £25 www.oxfordplayhouse.com

Wyvern Theatre, Swindon Sunday 8 March Tickets: £24.00 www.swindontheatres.co.uk

The Thinking Drinkers

Rob Beckett

Ed Byrne

The Hexagon, Reading Friday 13 March Tickets: £18 www.whatsonreading.com

New Theatre, Oxford Saturday 21 March Tickets: from £17 www.atgtickets.com

Cheese & Grain, Frome Thursday 30 April Tickets: £25 www.cheeseandgrain.com

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Jody & The Jerms - “I didn’t really want to put together a band of indie veterans”

INTERVIEW: Words by Claire Dukes

It can be quite daunting for a band to make a comeback. And it’s another thing entirely to come back in a new form. Comprised of former indie stalwarts Niall Jeger and Alex Bridge - of Oxford’s The Anydays - Jody & The Jerms only formed back in June 2019 but, as the band’s guitarist Niall tells The Ocelot, they’ve already got a festival booked for 2020, released two tracks and have already snatched attention in Spain.

The formation of Oxford-based Jody & The Jerms was a stroke of luck - particularly for Niall (guitar/ vocals) and Alex (drummer).

The band was originally supposed to come together in 2018, but after the original singer was snatched for a West End show they pulled in mutual friend Jody for some guise vocals for the meantime.

As it turns out “she nailed it,” says Niall.

“It sounded so good that we just went ahead and got the band going. Jody is completely new to it – she’s never sang outside of her bedroom before.

She’s a friend of Al and I, and I just asked her to come and do some dry vocals and she absolutely nailed it and that’s when we realised we had a band essentially.

“I didn’t really want to put together a band of indie veterans – it’s nice to have someone that’s so new to it where they’re learning, they’ve got different emotions around nerves and stage fright.

The trade-off is that you get so much excitement and energy as well, so it’s worked really well.

“It was really lucky that we worked, and we then decided to go forward with it and naturally a couple of weeks after that we had this national radio play in Spain. I mean, that goes back to The Anydays where we did tours in Spain and Italy, and then a band – or DJ – noticed that I’d got some new music together and it happened quite quickly.”

To date the three-piece have released two singles: their take on The Belltower’s 1991 track ‘Never Going Home’ and ‘He Doesn’t Know Me Much at All’ which was released last month. I had a listen before my chat with Niall and was quite simply fixated. Both tracks are a cross combination of Blondie meets Letters to Cleo, and yet echo bands such as Best Coast and Summer Camp. It’s kind of brilliant. It feels like such a young, youthful sound that you would think someone in their 20s made it.

But simultaneously the songs sounds as if they were

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made in the 70s but slightly reworked and released in the 90s which brings in that nostalgia element.

“Certainly, for me, as a writer and a listener, I’ve never been constrained by any genre,” Niall tells me. “I mean, I’ve loved shoegazing since the early 90s but I’m quite happy to listen to New Wave and poppier tracks. I never wanted to write songs in a certain style, and I think that’s also affected the way we record – predominately as live as possible – and using good, quite vintage, equipment. The synth sounds that we use are all from authentic early 80s synths, and that’s definitely an advantage that Al and I have where we’re so used to playing together – we can capture a lot of energy in that initial record. And with Jody being so new to it as well, that certainly added an unexpected edge as to what we came out with.

“I mean Al, – he’ll know a lot more about drums than I ever could – he plays a very nice Ludwig drum kit and it just delivers a really nice sound. You know, quite often a drum sound (without wanting to be too techy) is quite natural because that’s just how it sounds in the room and that’s what goes onto our tape. And it’s the same with me as well.

“It’s funny watching bands where they’ve got so many effects. Sometimes it’s nice just to hear an instrument without relying on multiple effects to achieve that. And that’s also another intention of the band – we do like to record as live as possible and rely on the natural sounds of the instruments and voice without too much processing.”

It’s worth mentioning that when listening to them, you expect them to be a much bigger band amongst all the levels and harmonic depth. “I mean that surprised us from just three of us being in a room and getting something that sounded that good [laughs]. If we get an echo or delay from the amp we try and capture that when recording, and that’s another kind of accident of how we got going.”

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L to R: Niall Jeger, Jody Jeger and Alex Bridge www.soundcloud.com/user727099785

It’s always slightly unnerving when talking to a band, or artist, re-entering the music scene. Will they be humble? Arrogant? Scorned? But as we chat it becomes only too clear that Niall has a band he’s proud of, and excited by, and is just raring to get back out there. But, of course, given the success of The Anydays (2006-2012) - having supported Radiohead and Supergrass - it’s fair to say they’d be entitled to. Nevertheless, they are a new band with wisdom in their corner, fresh energy and an organic approach when it comes to getting themselves out there in a climate of sleezy promoters.

“I hate that a lot of London venues are going back to that ‘pay to play’ mentality where you’re expected to sell tickets in advance and promoters want paying before you even get near the stage which is something that we’ve purposely kept a million miles away from.

“I think it’s risky that the music industry’s maybe looking to, not exploit the artist, but make it harder for them to get the gigs that they deserve. I was really surprised to see that that’s still happening!

That’s something personally that I wouldn’t touch with a barge pole.”

As for social media, the world of ‘influencers’ and avid ‘likers’ we concur that if there’s one thing that has remained the same is that the main goal is getting fans to the gigs. “That’s your real opportunity to show what you’re made of,” he says. “And as an artist, or band, you want to put on the absolute best show that you possibly can and that’s why we are rehearsing hard and really cherry picking the best songs, the best melodies to make that happen.

“I’ve heard countless stories of friends of friends who’ve had hundreds of thousands of plays on Spotify yet can’t get more than two or three people to a central London gig on a Friday or Saturday night. So yeah, what is a like?” I think social media is great in many ways for the band, but the other

side of the coin is that a lot of audiences are looking for instant gratification – they’re not necessarily as engaged as they could be. So, yes, you can reach a lot of people but your opportunity to engage with them is potentially quite limited. I think now there’s this expectation of perfection, and not just for music, - for art and artists. I think that’s the downside of shows like The X-Factor where people become armchair critics and listening to something for 10 seconds and then decide if it’s the greatest thing they’ve ever heard or if it’s rubbish. For me, that’s not right. I like hearing imperfection, I like things to feel like a journey so that you have a beginning, middle and end – not getting everything up front the moment you listen to something.

If you look back to the indie culture of the late 80s or the early 90s, there were a lot of bands that went onto become very successful who started out by self-releasing on a limited edition seven inch vinyl, so that’s kind of where we are – we really respect that work ethic of making things happen, rather than sitting back and waiting to get signed.

“We’ve got a lot of confidence in the songs and enjoy playing them and we know we’ve got a lot more to come.”

Looking eagerly forward to 2020 Jody & The Jerms will be performing at Liverpool’s IPO (International Pop Overthrow) Festival in May and are currently organising tour dates in Spain and up and down the UK – including Oxford dates which they will announce soon.

“We’re putting together a nice, live band as well alongside the three core members to add some different instruments when we take it on the road. I can’t wait, it’s been too long, and it’ll be a stage debut for Jody as well and that’s a different dimension for sure. We’re really looking forward to it.” www.facebook.com/jodyandthejerms

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12 Bands of Christmas at for one night of The Vic! “The best local bands sheer madness” Words by Claire Dukes

The Harlers

Basement Club

I have always been bad at maths, but this year for The Victoria’s 12 Bands of Christmas there are indeed 13.

It’s no surprise, really.

I am always rather amazed that The Vic has always managed to stick to 12 each year - it’s a brilliant (albeit, mental) music affair featuring some of the town’s best bands (combined with the run-up to Christmas mentality where the whole month

is essentially one long care-free bender).

So yes, this year - 14 December - 13 bands will (kind of) grace the stage to play covers which are in complete contrast to their own sound. It’s basically karaoke (but thankfully, played-out by singers and musicians - not the guy who’s at every Wacky Wednesday living his best life and killing everyone else not-so-softly with his favourite song).

YVES

The Falmouths

Abstraction Engine

Raze*Rebuild

Wilding

Kaleido Bay

Concord Drive

Chaney

Atari Pilot

Matt Bryant Band www.facebook.com/ TheVictoriaSwindon www.thevicswindon.com

Stay Lunar 26

£8 via www.seetickets.com

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on.com

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Smoke Fairies The Bullingdon, Oxford Wednesday 5 February Tickets: £13.20 www.thebullingdon.co.uk

Music for the months ahead Words by Claire Dukes

I can’t speak for myself, but music-wise January is looking to be rather dry.

It’s not surprising as that tends to be the month of the year where we all burrow and panic about money (unless you’re the 1 percent - what a time to be alive).

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However, bookending 2019 either side are some amazing solo artists and bands which (hopefully) are all void of Christmas songs. Just good music at a time where we can work less and play more.

This month we’re spoilt by a blend of harmonic folk-rock

with Smoke Fairies, brass-funk from Hot 8 Brass Band, dreamy electronica from Low Island and Angel Olsen’s electrifying blend of poetry, raw energy and rock star swagger. Or, of course, there’s always the fun and funk vibes exuded from The Cuban Brothers.

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Low Island

Razorlight

The Cuban Brothers

The Bullingdon, Oxford Friday 6 December Tickets: £11 www.thebullingdon.co.uk

O2 Academy, Oxford Friday 13 December Tickets: From £27.20 www.academymusicgroup.com

Cheese & Grain, Frome Friday 13 December Tickets: from £17 www.cheeseandgrain.com

Showaddywaddy

Ariel Posen

Angel Olsen

Komedia, Bath Friday 3 January Tickets: from £25 www.komedia.co.uk

Level III, Swindon Wednesday 5 February Tickets: £13.20 www.level3swindon.com

SWX, Bristol Monday 10 February Tickets: £20.20 www.swxbristol.com

Hot 8 Brass Band

Matt Owens

The Night Café

O2 Academy, Oxford Friday 28 February Tickets: £25.50 www.academymusicgroup.com

The Tuppenny, Swindon Thursday 5 March Tickets: free www.thetuppenny.com

Sub89, Reading Sunday 5 April Tickets: from £14 www.sub89.com

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Agony Girl

Six-year-old Amy is looking forward to opening her Christmas presents with gleeful abandon, but she’s still got time to answer your questions. We read her the questions and these are her answers... honest.

Dear Amy, I’m having such a hard time trying to decide who to choose in this election. They all seem as bad as each other. Maybe you can help me. What’s your favourite out of these colours - green, red, blue or yellow?

Dave, Chiswick Yellow because it’s a good colour. But I do like green. So yellow or green.

I know the Romans. They’re from Horrible Histories. They’re okay but I prefer Vikings.

Dear Amy, I love reading books. There’s nothing like sitting down with a lengthy tome in front of you as you lose yourself in the world of imagination. Have you got any good books you can recommend me?

Shirley, Swindon Ronald Dahl is my favourite. I really like Fantastic Mr Fox as it’s a good story. Fantastic Mr Fox got his tail shot Boggis, Bunce and Bean.

Dear Amy, My socks keep going missing. Is it Russian interference?

Gordon, Marlborough I think your pet keeps ripping them up and eating them or their 17 year old called George keeps stealing them.

Dear Amy, Do you think looking at the tumultuous time that we’re going through that we’re still feeling the after effects of the fall of the Roman Empire?

Chris, Oxford 30

Dear Amy, What’s three plus seven?

Rosie, Newbury You know what it is. It’s ten. I used to think I was good at maths but now my teacher says I overthink. Maths is hard.

Dear Amy, My cat’s got fleas. What should I do?

Tracey, Uffcott Get a flea jab for cats. You stick it in their bum. My dad uses this stuff you squeeze out onto the cats. They hate it and always wriggle around loads.

To write into Agony Girl send in your questions to editorial@theocelot.co.uk

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