Ocelot 160 October 2019 edition

Lifestyle and Culture Magazine

Wiltshire, Oxfordshire and West Berkshire

No: 160 October 2019

Free

Pet Semetary join our special on Oxford’s Ritual Union Festival p28 What's on Ocelot 160 October edition.indd 1

Pic by Ian Wallman

/ STYLE / EATS / BREWS / SCREEN / COMMENT 23/09/2019 14:20

Mag

04 O 06 En 12 Br 18 C 24 Fu 28 PR

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Lyrical genius Paul Lappin sings for Swindon

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Magazine highlights 04 Our Man in Japan 06 Encyclopaedia Ocelotica 12 Brews and Eats 18 Comedian Charlie George 24 Fullee Love Collective 28 PREVIEW - Ritual Union

#160

The Editorial Team EDITOR - Jamie Hill - jamie@theocelot.co.uk DEPUTY EDITOR - Ben Fitzgerald - ben@theocelot.co.uk FEATURES - Claire Dukes - claire@theocelot.co.uk The Sales Team Dave Stewart dave@theocelot.co.uk - 07872 176999 Rosy Presley rosy@positive-media.co.uk - 07717 501790 Main Number - 01793 320043 Positive Media Group, Old Bank House, 5 Devizes Road, Swindon SN1 4BJ PRINTED BY - Deltor, Saltash, Cornwall

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Our man in Japan

Bill Hill is living in Japan for the next few months learning the language and catching some rugby on his travels. This month he’s staying in Sapporo.

Been in Japan since Friday 30 August.

Been trying to understand rules of living with family and how to go about things while I’m living with them. Of course my freedoms to do what I want when I want have plummeted, and adjusting and understanding what is what has been a slight challenge and still is for my undisciplined and untamed mind. Seems though that after four days, now starting fifth, I’m slightly more comfortable with all this psychologically and a modus operandi has emerged. Early days but more hopeful than 48 hrs ago.

Might be more unexpected dips and turns on the roller coaster yet, but qué será será. I’m approx one hour away from school door to door, which in itself is not great, but I think it’s the result of a mixture of applying a month before arriving, it being busy, and my insistence on being the only student (foreigner) in

the house.

Started classes yesterday. Five in class, all a few notches above me and after I chat with the teacher I’m going down a level from today with a different teacher.

I will have private classes for one week (next week .. three days of the week, in afternoon) with the original teacher.

I’ve also added a Japanese food cooking class in Sapporo, which I just found on internet... fairly random, but what the hell. Yesterday after recovering from trauma of how the group morning classes had gone and my decision to drop a level, I left the school in a bit of a lost daze, nothing new there, but with the aim of finding some grub.

Went into some traditional sake bar next to the school. It was an experience. As usual, lots of hit and miss, gobbledygooky Japanese leaving my lips and half landing somewhere in the ether. Anyway,

FRI 4 RISIN - 6pm

By Bill Hill Our Man in Japan

FRI 1 - RXP LADY ORIG

SAT 1 - 80’S - CLU

SUN - VAR SPEA PLUS got through, with a draft lager and little bottle of sake to accompany a delicate array of colourful appetisers and a bunch of things in a tasty broth.

Wandered back to Sapporo train station following Google Maps, getting inexplicably a bit lost (since yesterday I have what’s called a pocket WiFi... costs money but hopefully will get a signal most places. When I leave I just stick it in the envelope provided and drop it in a post box.)

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OCTOBER 2019 FRI 4th FATFEST 2019 - ROCK GODDESS, RISING SOULS, TAX THE HEAT - 6pm-11.30pm - £35 for the weekend SAT 5th FATFEST 2019 DAY 2 - QUIREBOYS, BAD TOUCH, HOLLOWSTAR, SPACE ELEVATOR - 12 noon-11.30pm - £35 for the weekend

FRI 4th FALLS ON DEAF EARS/ OXYMORA - ORIGINAL ALT-ROCK - 9pm-11.30pm SAT 5th RED BULL JUNKIES - ‘FOOT STOMPING PEACOCK DONKIN ORIGINAL EDM SINGE 1992’ - 9pm-11.30pm

MON 7th MANIC MONDAYS FRI 11th BANDIT MUSIC PRESENTS: - RXPTRS/KILL THE IDEAL/NERVE ENDINGS/POOL/ GAME NIGHT- EVERY FORTNIGHT LADY JANES REVENGE - HARDCORE & ALT-ROCK - 6pm-11.00pm ORIGINALS - 8.30pm-11.30pm - £4 adv/£6 otd SAT 12th KICKSTART MY HEART - 80’S METAL AND POWER BALLADS - CLUB NIGHT - 11pm-3am - £4

FRI 11th FLASH HARRY - FOLK ROCK CAJUN BLUES - 9pm-11.30pm

SUN 13th SWINDON VEGAN FEST - VARIETY OF VEGAN PRODUCTS, VEGAN SPEAKERS, VEGAN GROUPS, LIVE MUSIC, PLUS VEGAN ROAST DINNERS - 12 noon-8pm

SAT 12th RAGGED UNION - SOUTHERN ROCK FROM A BAND THAT MEAN IT - 9pm-11.30pm

FRI 18th THE RACKET/CHARRED HEARTS/THE UNION + DJS - IN MEMORY OF DAVID FLYNN 8.30pm-11.30pm - £5 SAT 19th SOUP OF JURASSIC 5 PRESENTS FULLEE LOVE COLLECTIVE - FRONTED BY GOLD SELLING HIP HOP ARTIST AND FOUNDER OF JURASSIC 5 - 8.30pm-11.30pm - £15 THUR 24th CONCORD DRIVE, TRANSFER WINDOW, BOTS, ZERO ZERO - ORIGINAL ALT-ROCK - 8pm-11.30pm - £3 FRI 25th FREAK ON A LEASH - NU-METAL CLUB NIGHT - 9pm-3am FREE ENTRY SAT 26th HALLOWEEN SHOW 2019 - POLE DANCING FREAK SHOW! - 18+ EVENT - 7pm £5 OTD THUR 31st ALL THE YOUNG INDIE DUDES HALLOWEEN PARTY! - A HALLOWEEN PARTY FOR KIDS - 6pm-8pm - £3

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FRI 18th WIZARDS OF OZ - THE WIZARDS CRAZY TRAIN RETURN TO THE ROLLY FOR SOME MAYHEM M/ - 9pm-11.30pm SAT 19th RORKE’S DRIFT - CLASSIC ROCK AND ALTERNATIVE COVERS - 9pm-11.30pm MON 21ST MANIC MONDAYS GAME NIGHT- EVERY FORTNIGHT - 6pm-11.00pm FRI 25th FOLK THE SYSTEM - A MIX OF FOLK MAYHEM AND PUNK ATTITUDE - 9pm-11.30pm SAT 26th THE ERIN BARDWELL COLLECTIVE - TROJAN REGGAE/ ROCKSTEADY CLASSICS/2-TONE RARITIES- 9pm-11.30pm

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By Ben Fitzgerald & GPT2

Robot writers

Encyclopedia Ocelotica: People who do real jobs - you know, coal miners, weavers, deep sea divers and such like - view the future with a certain amount of trepidation.

Because eventually, as sure as night follows day, these noble trades will be taken over by robots.

The only human input being the poor sap whose job it is to keep aforementioned machines oiled up and ready to roll.

Meanwhile, those of us who don’t do real jobs, the creatives, smugly raise a single eyebrow above our tortoiseshell glasses and say something helpful like ‘well…

I suppose that’s progress’ before going back to whatever important piece of work we were up to agonising over a series of colour swatches or twisting ourselves into knots over what is the most suitable font for a particular magazine cover.

However - there’s a little fly floating about in the ointment, a pin poised to burst the bubble of these untouchable professions - with the creation of an artificial writing programme that can produce chillingly plausible news articles, fiction and prose…

It is the brainchild of OpenAI - a not for profit lab backed by Elon Musk - the multi-millionaire Bond villain behind the self landing rocket and the electric car.

The new writer, called GPT2 rather than Sebastian or Annabelle, uses statistical analysis applied to swathes of writing created by humans to create contextually convincing writing.

A similar approach is used by

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the automatic reply feature in LinkedIn and Gmail - which suggests a variety of plausible responses if you can’t be bothered to think of your own small talk.

It’s freakishly good whilst also being weirdly bad at the same time.

I pasted the first paragraph of this article into the writing engine and this is what GPT2 came up with: People who do real jobs - you know, coal miners, weavers, deep sea divers and such like - view the future with a certain amount of trepidation.

Well, maybe they need a lot of help just now?

A good friend of mine from the early 70s remembers his father making a good living working on a small boat.

This was well before robotic arms would be a viable replacement for hands. They just needed a few skilled craftsmen and a lot of elbow grease.

It raises more questions than it answers...

Firstly, why was he just a good friend from the early 1970s - what happened to him in the mid 70s?

Was there a huge falling out over the merits of Swedish pop sensation Abba?

And let’s not forget his father who made a good living on a small boat, before robotic arms became a viable alternative to hands.

Remember that? You know when we were all using our biological arms? It seems so quaint when you look back at those simpler times where ‘skilled craftsmen and a lot of elbow grease’ seemed to be the order of the day.

To be honest it’s a lot more interesting than a some of the press release turds I have to polish every day. But also it reminds me of the sort of conversation that you might have with someone in a pub or perhaps the darker reaches of Facebook - where it slowly dawns on you; “You’re absolutely stark raving bonkers aren’t you?”

I will leave you with the frightening and prophetic final thoughts of GPT2: Nowadays, a few people work in such industries and have a good life. The rest get nothing more than a few scraps to their names and can barely get by.

I can’t blame them.

The only thing to do in these times is to find new ways to make a living. And that’s the challenge.

There’s a simple strategy to get people excited about a future technology.

Annoyingly it stops there, I suppose we will never know the simple strategy we can use to get excited about a future technology.

I really hope it doesn’t involve replacing our arms or destroying all of the humans.

Try it out for yourself by logging in to https://talktotransformer.com

www.theocelot.co.uk

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REVIEW: Top Boy – “It iz bare good bruv!”

Words by Jamie Hill

For years The Ocelot had a character called Bane ‘Driveby’ Bullet. He was written by me as a young hoodie living on the rough streets of Bassett Rivers where he would drink WKD at da bus stop and talk about his biatch (mum).

The original Agony Boy George, as if it is life imitating art, now speaks like Bane innit az he iz like livin’ on da mean streetz of Swindon.

But Top Boy has always been the real thing giving us an insight into the lives of gang members living in a North London estate called Summerhouse.

The two original series, which were only four episodes each, ran back in 2011 and 2013 but now streaming giant Netflix have picked it up giving the latest series a massive 13 episodes.

And it works. Top Boy always felt a bit like a British version of The Wire showing us the intricacies of London drug gangs and having a longer episode order really allows it to breathe.

You can also catch the original two seasons on Netflix too but they’ve been handily renamed Top Boy: Summerhouse just to confuse you.

Top Boy follows the lives of Dushane and Sully as they twist and turn on their way up the slippery slope of the North London drug trade.

It is a world that is eerily familiar (especially if you’ve got a son who inexplicaby has started speaking like an urban grime artist despite living in middle class Swindon)

but also very alien as its residents live in the shadow of gang violence where death or injury lurk around every corner sweeping up innocents in its wake.

But this is not a show that glorifies drug gangs. Far from it. It humanises the problems of these residents covering issues from racism, to immigration problems, to child abuse and exploitation. This is gritty stuff and it doesn’t pull any punches.

It is a nuanced drama that shows the realities of what faces our society in its most deprived areas.

You might be rooting for our anti-heroes Sully and Dushane but it doesn’t shy away from the fact that they are morally corrupt individuals who have no idea of the consequences of their actions. It is this nuance that sets Top Boy apart and really makes it work in the lengthier Netflix format. It iz bare good bruv!

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The Wine Column

What a corking year!

By Darren Willmott of vinesight.me As we head towards the end of the year let’s take a look at the developments in some of the stories this column has covered in 2019.

In January we chatted to Peter Stafford-Bow, author of wine novel Corkscrew. With rave reviews the book ended up as runner up in the People’s Book Prize. Not bad for a debut novel, especially when judged by the public rather than critics.

Dry January was also a hot topic and it was widely reported that despite the view that everhealth conscious millennials are snubbing alcohol, overall January sales actually grew by 2.9% year on year (vs. overall supermarket sales growth of 1.7%). Perhaps it was all the pre-buying for the end of January abstinence celebrations?

In March/April we talked about cannabis wine and orange wine respectively. Both niche styles classed as ‘on-trend’ and building their places in the wider market, the major news on the cannabis front is that brewer Molson Coors have pledged to have their products in Canadian stores by December.

If market testing goes as planned it may not be long before they hit our shores, but at the very least we can try them whilst abroad.

Orange wine has also made a stride forward. As well as being available in M&S you can now find ‘Litmus’ (an English offering) in

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Waitrose, which will undoubtedly have an impact on awareness and sales. Orange wine has also been added to the syllabus of the WSET, the industry’s leading training and certification body.

In May we looked at the defunct tiny Theale vineyard of wine giants Laithwaites. There’s been a lot of talk this year about the 1969 moon landings but it’s also been 50 years since Tony Laithwaite first took a job washing bottles in Bordeaux, founding the empire that is still family run today. His book ‘Direct’ was published to positive reviews and is a very entertaining read.

June saw one of our biggest stories of the year looking at climate change, the effect on the wine industry, and the need for warmer climate grapes in previously cooler regions. Whilst not as universally good as 2018 there’s been pockets of crazily warm weather across Europe for

the 2019 vintage.

Bordeaux saw its hottest July day ever recorded – a blistering 41.2°C. In a major (and very rare) change to French wine laws the Bordeaux grape stalwarts of Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot will now be joined by 7 newly authorised grapes.

These include two incredibly successful varieties hailing from the more southerly Portugal, the red Touriga Nacional and white grape Alvarinho.

And finally, we recently looked at the Trump state banquet and what dignitaries drink at such events. With Boris now firmly in place as PM, we now have the chap who has enthusiastically professed his love for top Italian wine Tignanello (£86+ per bottle).

He may look like a beer man, but he has some very expensive tastes.

Cheers!

www.theocelot.co.uk

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The recipe

Tomato

&

Gruyère galette

A galette is a free-form tart that doesn’t need a tin. Its irregular shape is its rustic charm so don’t aim for perfection here. This works just as well with shop-bought puff pastry; for the best flavour, go for an allbutter version. Eat warm or at room temperature, with a green salad on the side.

Method: Lightly flour your work surface and rolling pin and roll the pastry into a rough circle or square, 2–3mm thick.

Trim the edges and lay it on a baking sheet lined with parchment.

Brush all over with a thin layer

300g all-butter puff pastry 1 egg, beaten with a pinch of salt 2–3 tsp Dijon mustard A generous handful of grated

of beaten egg (retaining the remaining egg for later). Spread a thin layer of mustard over the top, stopping short of the edge by about 4cm. Sprinkle the cheese over the mustard, then add the herbs.

Lay over tomato slices, slightly overlapping, then drizzle with a little olive oil and season with salt and pepper.

Fold the edges over the filling to form a border – there should still be plenty of tomatoes visible. Leave the folds loose rather than squishing them down as this will help the pastry bake through in the oven.

Chill the galette in the fridge for

Gruyère cheese (or use a strong farmhouse Cheddar) Handful of oregano or basil leaves, roughly chopped or torn

20 minutes before you bake it.

Heat the oven to 190°C/Gas 5, putting a rack near the bottom.

Brush the rest of the egg over the pastry border and bake for around 40 minutes or until the pastry is cooked through and starting to brown. Undercooked pastry is horrible, so make sure you cook it long enough.

If the tomatoes look in danger of burning, cover them with a piece of foil or baking parchment.

Let cool for a few minutes then slide on to a board or serving plate.

For more delicious recipes like this see www.riverford.co.uk

1 heaped tsp fresh thyme leaves 3 or 4 full-flavoured tomatoes, depending on their size, cored & sliced Olive oil

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Brews & A new micro brewery venture could be opening its doors in Swindon’s Old Town - if planners give the scheme the go ahead.

The Hop Kettle Brewing Company Ltd, which already operates a brewery on the Hawksworth Industrial Estate, has submitted an application to transform the former Flower Basket premises at 51 Devizes Road, into ‘Tap and Brew’, a microbrewery, brewery tap, gift shop and brew school.

The application shows that the frontage of the building will be painted and the windows changed from tinted to clear to allow a clear view into the building.

New wooden fencing will be installed around the front paved area and a new awning put into place, with vintage-style down lighting to create ‘an elegant and characterful’ appearance according to the applicants.

Company founder, Tom Gee, explains how he opened a micro brewery in the back of the Red Lion Inn in Cricklade in 2012 -

moving to Swindon in 2017.

He added that the proposed new premises: “offered us an opportunity to create a very exciting and innovative project that will fit in perfectly in such an up and coming area of Swindon.

“Our goal is to create a small experimental brewery in which to produce test brews before they

are upscaled to our full kit on Hawksworth Industrial Estate.”

From the new site, Hop Kettle Brewing Company plans to work with Swindon Business, The Malt Miller, to open a brew school to support home brewery enthusiasts to create their own beer using equipment supplied at the site and sell their brews through the Tap Room.

The tap room will sell Hop Kettle beer from Swindon and Cricklade.

Mr Gee explained: “In summary, I believe that Tap and Brew will fit in perfectly with the other established businesses in Old Town, offering something completely unique and helping to showcase a locally produced artisan product with the help of other Swindon based businesses.

“With the addition of Tap and Brew, Devizes Road will help encourage people to think again about automatically heading to Bristol or Bath for a night out and instead encourage locals to stay local and people living in those cities to visit Swindon instead.”

Cookin’ up a storm Former member of Catatonia, Cerys Matthews, has written a cookbook.

Where the Wild Cooks Go blurs the lines between all the good things in life and stirs em up into a delicious brew.

Cerys’ book combines wicked food and drink recipes inspired by her travels, along with some groovy poetry and a brilliant playlist.

Because, of course, these things are inextricably linked to each other as a cultural whole.

But putting down the sociology textbook for a brief moment,

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what this means is that you can flick open a page, gather the ingredients, line up the playlist and invite your buddies over to help you cook and eat whatever the heck Cerys has got lined up for you - and possibly drunkenly read out some of the poetry and prose included in the book.

It’s a copper-bottomed guarantee that you will wake the next morning a significantly wiser, kinder, more geoculturallyaware and attractive person as a result of your culinary journey.

Buy it now.

Thank me later.

www.theocelot.co.uk

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Ga

I

ws & Eats

by Ben Fitzgerald

Garlic: a pressing issue

What’s the best way to prepare garlic?

Are you a presser or a cutter? It may sound trivial but if you are quite shallow and insecure, it could make all the difference to your social standing. In his amazing warts and all expose of the restaurant industry, the late Anthony Bourdain wrote: “Treat your garlic with respect. Sliver it for pasta, like you saw in

Goodfellas. I don’t know what that junk is that squeezes out the end of those things, but it ain’t garlic.”

Garlic press deniers claim that the garlic press spoils the taste of the garlic and even claim that it gives it a metallic or stronger taste.

However curry queen Madhur Jaffrey is a big fan and uses one throughout ‘The Curry

Bible’ and Raymond Blanc says that the press is the ‘best and easiest’ way to crush garlic.

So, who to believe...?

Answer: me. Smash garlic with the side of a knife and then roughly chop it up. It’s better because it looks more badass.

It’s a universal cooking rule that anything dangerous, involving fire or blades, always tastes better.

for e m i t m It’s boo

r! e w o fl i l Cau

Of late there has been something of an explosion of all things cauliflower.

Previously, most members of the public have only been aware of two ways of preparing the brainshaped veg for human consumption.

Cauliflower cheese - which involves boiling the cauliflower and serving it with cheese sauce.

Curried cauliflower - which involves boiling the cauliflower and serving it with curry sauce.

But the much maligned nuclear mushroom cloud shaped brassica has attracted a whole new legion of fans thanks to the discovery that roasting the cauli transforms it into a kick ass star of the midweek table.

If you fancy leaping aboard the cauliflower express, try this for size: Spiced whole cauliflower and warm chickpea salad: Create a marinade of half a teaspoon of turmeric, garam masala, one teaspoon of grated ginger, two crushed garlic cloves, 140g of full fat yogurt, two tablespoons of finely chopped coriander stems.

Coat the whole cauliflower with marinade with your hands and place it in an oiled roasting dish.

Ramp up the oven to 200C/180C fan/gas 6 and then cook for 30 mins until the topping is set.

Then splash 100ml of water into the tin and cover loosely with foil before returning to the oven to let

steam for 30mins. While all that’s happening, toss the chickpeas, onion, spices and some seasoning together. Uncover the cauliflower, scatter in the chickpea mixture around it and roast for a further 20 minutes until the onion is tender and the chickpeas are beginning to crisp up.

Stir yoghurt and coconut cream together to make a goopy dressing and season before folding in tomatoes, coriander and lemon juice to serve. While you are eating it, you can marvel at the fractal properties of the humble cauliflower - in that every branch or ‘module’ of the veg is similar to the entire cauliflower. Food for thought as well as the body.

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It’s all Greek to Stephen Fry Review by Adam Wilson

I took my girlfriend to see Stephen Fry’s staging of his Mythos book series on the first of three related shows, Gods, Heroes and Men, at the Oxford New Theatre a few weeks ago.

I rather wish I’d been able to spring for the other two nights as well.

I like Stephen Fry, he seems like a very nice chap, witty, erudite and engaging, and his show was exactly that.

Quite simply, he came on stage in a slightly shambling way, sat in a big leather chair and told us a story. That was the point - that mythologies are the stories our ancestors told each other, to explain why things happened or where they were and how they came to be.

At the same time, though they entertain, they’re violent and lusty and funny. They show the gods as flawed, troubled

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creatures who can behave as well or as badly as us.

Stephen is perfect for this.

Not only is he the writer of the books but his voice has a certain gravitas that really transferred well.

Here’s the thing. It was almost entirely predictable, I kinda knew what I was going to get. I knew I was going to be pleasantly entertained, I knew I was going to be amused and I knew I was going to be told a few things I didn’t know and I knew I’d have a thoroughly jolly time.

I’m not going to rave about it because it doesn’t evoke that kind of response, but I would strongly recommend that you should see it if you possbly can.

I think you’ll feel a bit better, happier and cosier for having done so, and you’ll have a very nice time.

I do, however, really hope that the Greek gods dont exist, and that if they do, they never notice me. It never seems to end well.

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Theatre guide for th Words by Claire Dukes

This autumn and winter theatre-goers will be well and truly spoiled. There are so many good to shows to this season from critically acclaimed and award-winning writers!

It’s a shame because I know a few people who are sceptical about going to the theatre, and unfortunately, it’s fair enough if their rare experiences have been a little... underwhelming (putting it nicely). With so many ‘amazing’ marketing tactics in place it’s easy for consumers to be miss-sold and ultimately not get their money’s

Oxford Playhouse The Lovely Bones

11 to 16 November www.oxfordplayhouse.com Following a hugely successful tour in 2018, the acclaimed stage adaptation of Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones comes to Oxford Playhouse next month The Lovely Bones is a unique coming-ofage tale that captured the hearts of readers

throughout the world.

With a talented cast, incredible set design and a soundtrack combining 1970’s favourites with original music, this wonderfully creative production brings her vision to life in an exciting, emotional and uplifting theatrical experience.

The Watermill Theatre Assassins

September to 26 Oct www.watermill.org.uk

This multiple Tony award-winning vaudeville style show is a modern classic.

From John Wilkes Booth to Lee Harvey Oswald, writers Stephen Sondheim and John Weidman, bend the rules of time and space, taking us on a roller coaster ride in which

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assassins and would-be assassins from different historical periods meet, interact and inspire each other to perform harrowing acts.

This is a musical about the power of the President, the lure of celebrity and the failure of the American Dream.

www.theocelot.co.uk

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worth.

Luckily quality theatre refer ba

or the months ahead

ws to

ly, y ney’s

worth.

Luckily my faith became restored through this job, actually, by being invited to see some incredible and highquality shows. As per we’ve selected a bunch that are coming up just around the corner at some of our most-loved theatres in the area. Definitely be sure to check out the theatres’ websites for more amazing shows - alternatively refer back to September’s theatre guide and keep your eyes peeled for The Ocelot’s pantomime guide!

Cornerstone Arts Centre Once Upon a Time 24 October www.cornerstone-arts.org

Gonzo Moose are bringing their fairy tale adventure Once Upon a Time to Didcot following their show at Oxford’s Pegasus Theatre Bursting with physical comedy, clowning, music and magic, audiences are invited to join three daring actors as they switch wildly between

myriad roles, creating a frenetic performance full of shocks, spine tingling stillness, and blood curdling terror as they journey to discover the malevolence which lurks within the woods.

Mark Dawson said: “A review of a previous show said we were, ‘like panto on acid’.”

Oxford New Theatre Grease The Musical 1 to 5 October www.atgtickets.com Grab your T-Birds and Pink Ladies and head on down to the New Theatre Oxford this autumn when the cast of Grease The Musical will be taking to the stage.

Singer Peter Andre stars as Teen Angel in the show, and it is the first new production in

25 years of the iconic musical. Joining him on stage will be Dan Partridge, Martha Kirby, Louis Gaunt and Rhianne-Louise McCaulsky will star as Danny, Sandy, Kenickie and Rizzo respectively “a cast who look and dance like they are in high school!”

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INTERVIEW: Swindon comedian reaches finals for prestigious Funny Women Awards Words by Claire Dukes

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www.theocelot.co.uk

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A comedian from Swindon has won third place at the 2019 Funny Women Awards. Having battled it out against 433 entrants from across the globe, she was one of nine to reach the finals in her category.

Despite having only been in the comedy circuit for just over a year, Charlie George - from Toothill, West Swindon - came third in the Funny Women Stage Award category.

Just over a year ago, after suffering from writer’s block, Charlie George drove her creativity in a new direction: comedy. Since then she has won the LGBTQ+ New Comedian of the Year award and was a runner-up at this year’s Funny Women Awards - previous winners and nominees include Katherine Ryan, Sarah Pascoe and Sarah Millican.

Speaking of her win Miss George says, “I came runner up, – third place – which was brilliant!

“It was really fun - I had a great night! The standard was insanely high, but everybody was just getting such great laughs.

“The woman who won, she hadn’t been going for very long and she was amazing – super, super funny. The second-place winner was my friend, who is a workingclass comedian from the North of England who I think deserved her place as well.

“I was really happy to even be placed, because it was really good! It’s really nice to come away with something.

“I think the lady who won – as a surprise prize – is going to get mentorship from Jo Brand which is amazing. The rest of us just feel like we’ve got an amazing network of women around us now because we had such a fun time backstage – everyone was just really lovely.

“It was one of the better competitions I’ve done in terms of everybody being so funny. I think they vetted it really well because everybody was of a certain standard.

“I was really nervous waiting and was ready to be like, “Well I’ve had fun time…’ and then they called my name! This is exactly what happened to me in Edinburgh, back in August, when I came third place in another competition, so obviously I am really good at being third [laughs]!”

Miss George says that even before the finals the experience alone made her feel like a winner.

Ahead of the finals, and speaking of the nomination, she said, “To be honest I just feel really grateful to grace the stage with some of the funniest women around.

“I am always somewhat in shock and disbelieving of things going well, I’m sad to report that deep down I’m a worst expectations kind of person - the night I won the LGBTQ+ New Comedian Award I was going through a housing nightmare, felt rough and nearly didn’t wake up for the gig!

“I also definitely didn’t think I was going to get to the Funny Women final - I actually booked another gig on 19 September that I had to cancel because I thought I’d done so badly! *Note to self: don’t always rely on your gloomy feelings!

“It feels great and really affirming that if I keep working hard, I can have a career at this, doing something I love.”

Describing her comedy as “a heady mix of sinful and silly”, Miss George draws on her upbringing as a source of material and her childhood memories in Swindon, she says, have certainly provided her with a lot to talk about particularly being mix-race, queer and the child of a “Daily-Mailreading Jehovah’s-Witness-mum”.

In one of her sketches - which won her the LGBTQ+ New Comedian Award - Miss George says, “I’d love to unveil some kind of exotic, cultural background for you it’s just that I was raised in Swindon.”

“Swindon is definitely the butt of many a joke [laughs],” she says. “I remember reading the book The

Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time as a kid and it referred to Swindon as ‘the arse end of nowhere’ or something like that!

And the shame started from there.

“It’s funny because I’ll be honest, I hated it as a child. I think at the time I was there being mixed-race and queer still wasn’t easy, and with my mum being a Jehovah’s Witness - and us being forced to knock on everyone’s doors at the weekend and sell them God - it really wasn’t helpful with the bullies, my crappy self-image or lack of friends and connection.

Although with time away in cities - where being different is more celebrated and normalised - a lot of this has become my material and informed the kind of person I am now.”

Although she faced challenges throughout her early years in Swindon Miss George adds, “I have really fond memories of my grandmother - who lived and died in Park North - and walking around Coate Water and Lydiard Park with her. So, it’s not all doom and gloom and I do know what I did have compared to other children.

“It was a weird place to grow up, but now I have a lot of nostalgia and going to visit my older sister and my niece and nephew - who are growing up in a much more accepting time - is really healing.”

Miss George, who lives in London, currently works part-time for a humanist organisation that does various activist projects - including supporting migrants who have no recourse to public funds. With more and more women entering the comedy circuit, she says the supportive circle of female comedians has given her the confidence to try comedy full-time.

“It’s been by and large really supportive and brilliant,” she says. “I sort of felt like I’d found my people when I started doing comedy, and other women I’ve worked with are in particular really supportive.” www.charliegeorgecomedy.com

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Words by Claire Dukes

Photography by Anthony Hunt

L to R: Matthew Rixon, Michelle Collins and Chris Jarvis

Interviews: the headliners of Swindon’s Wyvern Theatre Christmas panto I won’t lie, there was a time when the idea of watching a pantomime was one of the worst ways I could think of spending an evening. Over time, weirdly as I’ve got older, I have a newfound love for them (oh, yes I have).

This year the 2019 pantomime at the Wyvern Theatre is Sleeping Beauty.

From 7 December 2019 to 5 January 2020, the production has enlisted soap star Michelle Collins (the evil Carabosse), acclaimed CBeebies presenter - and Sleeping Beauty’s director and writer - Chris Jarvis (Happy Harry) and esteemed actor Matthew Rixon (the Dame) to join

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this year’s cast.

Ahead of the show I caught up with the trio to talk family theatre, positive messages and the magic of pantomime. It was great because after our conversations it became incredibly clear that these guys have incredible chemistry and came across less like colleagues and more like a family. I won’t lie, I could not be more excited to see Sleeping Beauty at the Wyvern this year.

Full interviews with Michelle, Chris and Matthew are available online via www.theocelot.co.uk For tickets visit www.swindontheatres.co.uk

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Michelle Collins as the evil ‘Carabosse’

Matthew Rixon as ‘The Dame’

Chris Jarvis as ‘Happy Harry’

So, this isn’t your first ‘baddy’ role…

What is it that draws you to these characters?

It’s great fun being a baddy. I think you can just be bold, big and bad – it’s just much more interesting and challenging.

So, what would you say would be a typical Michelle take on the Carabosse?

Bold and big, and evil but with a hint of fun and mischief. I didn’t realise she’s a fairy, she’s a bad fairy! I think I’m going to sort of channel Angelina [Jolie]! I think a bit of Charlize Theron from Snow White and a bit of Angelina [Maleficent], and just see what I can do [laughs]!

What is your favourite thing about a pantomime?

It’s the whole dressing up and just that magic of panto and seeing people’s faces and the kids really enjoying it. And for some of the kids it’s the first time they’ve been to a show or been to the theatre even. And I think that’s really important. It’s a great tradition that is thankfully not dying.

Why should people come and see Sleeping Beauty?

I think Chris is brilliant, - he’s very experienced - I think the script is going to be good, and he’s going to be directing it as well. And Matt is just such a great dame. We’ve obviously got a lot to live up to because I know Adam Woodyatt has been there the last couple of years. But this is the first time in 10 years that a female has led the cast.

Dames are very bubbly and larger than life characters. What will you be bringing to the role?

Heart – exactly that. And, hopefully, comedy because we have to strive to be funny.

Do you feel like family theatre is declining, or are you seeing it on the rise?

I don’t think it is declining because panto is still so strong at the moment.

Particularly in these fairly bleak times - it’s uncertain and there’s been so much austerity so everybody’s skint and watching the pennies and what we need is a bit of hope. And panto provides that – it does make you feel good, it is a safe story, you know good conquers evil and there’s going to be a bit of justice (especially where we’re looking for it in real life and not finding it so well).

It seems more important than ever to instil some magic into people’s live.

Exactly! I loved theatre, and dad was an actor, but I saw a panto and was like, ‘Wow, people can fly! There’s talking mice! This is brilliant!’ So it’s great to be part of giving that magic to other kids. I’m dead excited!

Why should people come to see Sleeping Beauty?

It really will be fabulous; it’s a great script; Chris is fantastic - he’s got a lovely sort of innocence and children absolutely love him; and Michelle’s fantastic; – she’s going to be a really great baddy. There’ll be smatterings of magic – come along with all your family, share a couple of hours, you’ll love it!

Why have you gone for this role?

I always tend to play the comic, which is great for me because coming from kids’ telly it’s just a follow on from that; you sing; you dance; you act. But what’s great is that it’s a family audience, not just kids. It’s great fun, I love it.

Do you think it’s important for children to experience live theatre?

I think it’s absolutely vital. We have quite a big responsibility with the pantomime to actually look after them. And working in CBeebies as well as pantomime I’m very careful to build the menace of the baddy and make sure that they feel safe.

Why should people come and see Sleeping Beauty?

It’s the fact that this is escapism, it’s a feel-good show. It’s all about the show, but it’s also all about the comedy and it’s for absolutely everyone. I mean telly is still producing fantastic stuff, but they don’t do what panto does which is appeal to a two-year-old and a 102-year-old. I feel more confident than any other year actually because of Michelle and Matt.

Despite panto’s being a traditional form of theatre, it’s surely important to keep them current?

And I think that’s more important than anything actually, otherwise you can’t relate to it and panto will fade away.

The traditions of panto are there, but using modern technology to make it a bit more 2019. The challenge with the panto is to take something that is traditional and make it relevant. That’s what we’ve spent all year doing!

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Words by Claire Dukes

Photography by Jennifer Berry

L to R: Lee Alder, Lee Moulding, Paul Lappin, Andre Clifford Maggs and Jon Buckett

‘Life is defintely good’: winner of independent song competition debuts first ever single I remember meeting up with Jon Buckett for a coffee last year - I think it was late August. He had an idea he wanted to spin by me to see if The Ocelot would like to get involved. And here we are.

Confirming that The Ocelot would be more than happy to support his new venture, in October last year Jon - a music producer, and owner of Eathworm Recording Studio - launched a brand-new song competition, For the Song.

His intentions were simple: unearth a genuinely brilliant, new and original song and give it the treatment it deserves. After submission the songs are judged - without knowing the name of the band or artist - by a panel of industry experts.

Last year the panel included Jon Buckett, Gaz

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Brookfield, Lee Alder and Marland Music Management.

In 2019 the competition has come full circle.

In January Paul Lappin, 48, found out his song - the first song he ever wrote and didn’t think too much of - won the competition. From then until July Paul, Jon Buckett, Lee Alder, Andy Maggs and Lee Moulding hit Earthworm Recording Studio based in Swindon. Last month Paul released his first ever single Life Was Good debuting it live in France - where he currently resides as an artist - and his hometown, Swindon. The experience, he says, has been both incredible and exhausting. I had a chat with Paul and Jon to find out how the first run of For the Song went.

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Paul Lappin

Jon Buckett

How does it feel to have won For the Song?

I only entered to get some professional, independent feedback on my songs. Well, I certainly got that! It’s been quite the journey that’s for sure; the live gigs, the interviews, the BBC radio session... It’s been a fascinating, exhausting, and exciting experience and I’m hoping that there’s much more to come.

What’s it been like working with Jon and co at Earthworm?

I couldn’t have asked for a better working relationship.

The real surprise was how quickly Jon made me feel comfortable in the studio. It can be quite the intimidating experience, walking in for the first time to record vocals.

But Jon and the team were very down to earth, happy to give advice and support throughout the whole experience.

Another huge thing for me was finally having a band to collaborate with – Lee Alder, Andy Maggs, Lee Moulding and Jon himself. We all just hit it off right from the start.

I hear there’s now an album on the table!

Ha! Yeah, I did happen to mention to Jon one day that I had three albums worth of material sitting on my hard drive. It’s not all good mind you, but apparently there was enough there to warrant recording an album. We’re tracking the last of the guitar parts over the next few days with Lee Alder. Again, I’m so lucky to be working with such talented and respected musicians who seem genuinely enthusiastic about my music.

Would you recommend others to enter For the Song?

Absolutely, without question. The ‘For The Song’ project was created for people like me – someone who writes songs in their spare time, is considering doing something with them, maybe wants to get them recorded professionally but finds the whole studio environment, and the music industry in general, intimidating. For me personally, simply entering the competition gave me a confidence boost. Winning it took things to a whole new level.

For the Song stemmed from a genuine and really lovely idea. Now, there has been a winner. Has it matched your expectations?

With respect to the most important aim, of finding a really worthy winner, without question I’m very pleased that Paul entered his song. The idea was always to find someone with a very pure intention behind their songs, writing for their own pleasure, without any contrived intention of writing for one chart or another, or for a specific audience; it’s those honest, instinctive intentions behind songwriting that often result in the songs that personally interest me the most.

So, I’m really happy we got the process well focussed enough to generate a strong pool of entries and to find what we were hoping for.

How would you compare For the Song with other music competitions?

I don’t know if there are other similar ones out there, but what I would say is that it’s a genuine collaboration at grass roots level. It’s not complicated by intentions to find a ‘whole package’, whatever that means, or concerned with record sales. It’s simply to lend a useful hand, tailored to the individual, writing partnership or band.

The team of fellow travellers who’ve helped on this journey have exceeded my expectations. There’s been amazing voluntary effort put in by everyone involved to pull the whole thing together. We’re truly blessed in the area to have committed and talented musicians and an ecosystem of media professionals supporting new and independent music.

Do we know when entries will be open for the next competition?

Yes indeed. We will open entries again late summer 2020. That feels about the right cadence for all the supporters involved to schedule their time, and also for us to give plenty of time for writers to enter and spread the word as much as possible.

Artist, singer-songwriter and winner of For the Song 2019. www.paullappin.bandcamp.com

Music producer and owner of Earthworm Recording Studios, founder of For the Song. www.earstudio.co.uk

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Ant lifts the lid on Soup!

Soup from Jurassic 5 joins forces with bassist Ant Henderson from Swindon band The Tribe to bring energetic funk soul hip hop of Fullee Love Collective to the legendary Level 3 in Swindon on Saturday October 19.

Tickets (£15) from www. seetickets.com or from The Victoria/The Rolleston.

Doors open 8pm.

Ant Henderson from The Tribe talks about his musical influences and how he came to be working with Soup from Jurassic 5 ahead of the Fullee Love Collective gig at Level 3 this month

W

hen did you first fall in love with music and how did you first get into playing music?

I have always been exposed to all kinds of music as my mother has been a music teacher throughout my whole existence.

I started playing instruments from the age of three, starting with piano and trumpet, then onto drums and guitars as I grew older. I have a vivid memory of being introduced to an American Funk band called “Tower Of Power” when I was 13 by my drum teacher. It was their super tight rhythm section and funky brass section that made me really take a serious interest in music. I found myself obsessively listening to an album of theirs called “Oakland Zone”. I just wanted to make music like them throughout my childhood.

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Can you provide a brief history of your musical career to date?

I have always played in original Hip Hop and funk bands.

My first professional endeavour into music was with a signed band based in Cambridge.

We supported Amy Winehouse and Ed Sheeran. I then left this group to form a 12 piece funk soul band called A&T, this was the most educational experience I’ve had as a musician.

Then I started a Hip Hop group with local rapper AJ Mayhew and, six years later, still working with AJ, The Tribe was born. I am now collaborating with Soup from legendary Hip Hop group, Jurassic 5, forming the 7 piece funk soul Hip Hop group called “Fullee Love Collective”.

As you say, prior to working

with Soup you founded The Tribe with whom you have seen success, can you run through your key highlights with them?

A main stage performance at Glastonbury after The Beat, a second main stage performance at Bestival after Jamie T, multiple performances at Boomtown, and multiple performances at Victorious Festival.

With yourself being busy now working with Soup is The Tribe returning to gigging any time soon?

The Tribe never stopped gigging, they are still going hard with a great new bass player!

So who is Soup and how did you guys meet?

Soup is one of four frontmen from a gold selling American Hip

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Hop group called Jurassic 5. We met online when I took an interest in his debut solo album “Free, White and 21”.

I enquired about being his bass player for his next tour. He replied to me stating that he had not yet put a group together but it was definitely the long term plan. So, I offered to piece a band together and do the live arrangements of his album. He then moved to the UK to pursue the band as his main project.

As well as playing bass in the band, you’re listed as the Musical Director, what does this entail?

Before I put the band together, I arranged the whole set ready for a 7 piece band to perform live. Added breaks, more energy, sexy sax lines and more funk bass. My role as the “Musical Director” is to run planned and mapped out rehearsals, and execute the lively set which I promised Soup when he lived in LA. How would you describe the sound of the Fullee Love

Collective?

Heavy Funk, Smooth Neo Soul, Expensive Jazz, Classic Old School Hip Hop. What has it been like working with Soup musically?

Game changing. Although Soup doesn’t play musical instruments, he’s taught me to think big. One thing he said to me before we put the band together was “I don’t want to just hit the stage and play a gig, I want to put on a show with segues between songs, choreographed dance moves.

That’s the difference between headlining a tent and headlining the mainstage”. So that’s what we did!

What were the logistics of initially working with Soup being that he is from LA, was it online at first or were you physically meeting up?

We didn’t meet for about 6 months. We used phone, WhatsApp, FaceTime.

What have the live shows been like so far and what have been your highlights?

The live shows have been epic!

We have performed around thirty festivals since April. Some to thousands of people, some to hundreds. Either way, its given us the chance to progress the “Show”.

What will it be like getting to play a hometown gig with Fullee Love at Level 3?

I can’t wait to show my hometown what I’ve been working on! It’s a big occasion for me personally!

And if someone was unsure about coming to watch Fullee Love at Level 3, what would you say to persuade them?

You’ll get to see an energetic funk soul hip hop band fronted by a legendary performer on your doorstep. And if you’re a fan of Jurassic 5, you’ll get to see some of their biggest hits. Trust me, it’s something new to feast your ears on.

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The Twang The Bullingdon, Sunday 13 November w/ Rats www.thetwang.co.uk

Music for the months ahead

By Claire Dukes

Seeing The Blinders at The Bullingdon last November has raised the bar insanely high.

(And seeing them with room to breathe is probably never going to happen again...)

But the nights are drawing in quicker and venues across our

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regions are pulling in punters with some of the best up and coming bands around.

The Twang have announced the release of their brandnew album, ‘If Confronted Just Go Mad’ - out 8 November - which they will debut in

Oxford.

‘If Confronted Just Go Mad’ sees a fresh direction for The Twang and their first album to include vocals from new female vocalists, both of whom also perform for rising star Tom Grennan.

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Flour Babies

Bethlehem Casuals

The Wildhearts

The Victoria, Swindon Saturday 5 October Doors: 8pm www.thevicswindon.com

The Bell Inn, Bath Wednesday 9 October Doors open: 7pm www.bethlehemcasuals.co.uk

Komedia, Bath Wednesday 16 October Doors open: 7pm www.komedia.co.uk/bath

Mother

Molly Tuttle

Cate Le Bon

The Purple Turtle, Reading Tuesday 29 October Doors open: 7pm www.purpleturtlebar.com

St. Barnabas Church, Oxford Wednesday 30 October Doors open: 7pm www.mollytuttlemusic.com

The Bullingdon, Oxford Monday 4 November Doors open: 7.30pm www.thebullingdon.co.uk

Jaws

Johnny Lloyd

Judge Jules

The Bullingdon, Oxford Monday 18 November Doors open: 7pm www.jawsjawsjaws.co.uk

The Bullingdon, Oxford Wednesday 4 December Doors open: 7pm www.xtramilerecordings.com

The MECA, Swindon Saturday 25 January Arrive by: 9.30pm www.mecaswindon.co.uk

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Ritual Union 2019 Cowley Road’s multi venue festival Ritual Union is back for its third year on Saturday October 19.

The all-dayer, which starts at 11am until the early hours, is fast becoming a mainstay of the Oxford music scene’s calendar and this year you’ll be able to catch it at the O2 Academy, The Bullingdon, The Library and Truck Store.

And amongst its gigs, gigs, gigs, will be the band Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs Pigs (or Pigsx7 for short) who totally won us over at ArcTanGent earlier this summer with their artistically hard to pigeonhole take on Seventies sounding metal.

Another band that we are slathering at the mouth to catch

are Young Knives who have been an Ocelot favourite ever since they appeared on the cover of the third ever magazine back in 2006 in all their glorious weirdness. The legendary Oxford stalwarts have been a bit quiet of late since Sick Octave in 2013 but promise a kickass set of new material and old.

They are joined by such amazing acts like She Drew The Gun, Teleman, The Comet is Coming, Ibibio Sound Machine and Psychedelic Porn Crumpets.

We caught up with five of the best Oxford acts taking part for a few words.

To get tickets and all the latest details visit www.ritual-union.co.uk

Candy Says

Q&A with Julia Sophie, of Oxford’s electro pop outfit, Candy Says.

What are you working on at the moment?

We’re about to record some new songs that we’ve been playing at gigs over the summer. They have a whole new sound that we’re excited to capture on tape. We have a new drummer, Silke, so we’re experimenting with recording more of the live band sound instead of the fully electronic beats we’ve been using for a while. If all goes well, this will be the start of an album.

What can we expect from your Ritual Union set?

We’re playing quite an upbeat set, a mix of songs from our latest EP and some of the newer tunes.

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Our music is sort of intense synth pop with a splash of indie rock guitar and some sad singing robots.

What other acts on the line-up would you recommend checking out?

Max Blansjaar is always great, and we’re not just saying that because our drummer Silke plays bass with him. Premium Leisure are top notch. Bo Ningen make a pretty awesome noise. We’re looking forward to seeing Self Esteem for the first time. And we loooove Teleman, but everyone already knows they’re great, right?

What is your favourite music spot in Oxford?

The bench outside Truck Store.

Julia Meijer

Q&A with Dream folk act Julia Meijer.

What are you working on at the moment?

At the moment I am getting ready to go back in the studio to record some new material that I feel very excited about. I will also be involved in a couple of collaborations this autumn, which will be a new thing for me.

What can we expect from your Ritual Union set?

They can expect a varied set list with a mix of older and newer songs, all equally amazing! We always have such a great time playing live, and hopefully everyone else will as well.

What other acts on the line-up would you recommend checking out?

Oh wow, there are so many fantastic acts playing! I’m going to try to see as many as possible, but I guess I would recommend maybe seeing a band/artist that you’ve never heard or seen live before, you might discover your new favorite band!

What is your favourite music spot in Oxford?

It changes from time to time, but a few of my favorite spots are the Library, Port Mahon and Jericho Tavern.

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Words by Jamie Hill

Pet Semetar y Pic by Ian Wallman Q&A with Chris Barker of Oxford indie band Premium Leisure.

What are you working on at the moment?

We’ve recently got back into playing a few gigs and I have just been in the studio with drummer Mike Monaghan, working on a new set of songs for the next chapter. We are planning to release some singles later this year alongside some shows.

What can we expect from your Ritual Union set?

We’ve added new songs to the set and re-worked a couple of old tunes too. The Premium Leisure line up is always changing,

which has really helped evolve the live show, every run through is different and fresh. I’m lucky to have an amazing group of musicians to play with, each bringing their own flavour into the mix. Ritual Union is going to be special one for us, so we’ll be sure to conjure up some exclusive treats.

What other acts on the line-up would you recommend checking out?

I caught Young Knives at the Wheatsheaf the other night and was blown away, so I would highly recommend slinging them into your day plan.

Knobblehead

but a the cho

Q&A with shimmery guitar act Pet Semetary.

What are you working on at the moment?

We’re currently writing and recording some new songs with the full band. It’s a little different from PETSEM Vol I which was just guitar and vocals and we’re super super lucky to be working with Chris Barker from Premium leisure producing, who are also on the Ritual Union lineup. He’s super encouraging and positive but also has a lot of really awesome ideas, so its nice to

work with people who not only support your music but also give you that creative push.

What can we expect from your Ritual Union set?

Lots of reverb, lots of banshee sounds, lots of shimmering guitars. Also a lot of oversharing and possibly tears.

What other acts on the line-up would you recommend checking out?

I’m absolutely stoked to be seeing some of my favourite artists like Bo Ningen and especially the Soft Cavalry.

Premium Leisure Q&A with Knobblehead.

What are you working on at the moment?

Well, we have just finished our second single (A/B side) and first physical release, Surjectivity. It will be part of our debut LP ‘Knobblehead Strikes Again!’ which we’re planning to release next year!

What can we expect from your Ritual Union set?

A loud, euphoric, 9-piece-punch in the

ear-face. Expect a stage full of riotous minstrels, BIG guitars and vibrant hippie grooves.

What other acts on the line-up would you recommend checking out?

I’m a huge fan of the Comet is Coming myself, Bo Ningen and unsurprisingly we all like Psychedelic Porn Crumpets. Of the more local acts, I’d say Premium Leisure are always a pleasure to listen to.

www.theocelot.co.uk

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Agony Girl

Six-year-old Amy has decided that she wants to sing and dance on Britain’s Got Talent, but she’s still got time to answer your questions.

We read her the questions and these are her answers... honest.

Dear Amy, I’m in the middle of the fight for my political life.

I’m trying to keep my friends happy by bullying everybody into doing what my friends want but the people I’m trying to bully have only gone and told the teacher and have made it that I will be breaking the rules and might get a detention if I do what my friends Dominic and Steve want.

What should I do?

Boris, Westminster You should not do any of that because it’s bullying.

Everyday you are hurting people and you shouldn’t do that. Can you smell poo?

Dear Amy, I’ve been in a long-standing relationship for a long time now but three and a bit years ago my partner said they wanted to leave me. But they have now been arguing about how they want to leave for ages even though they still insist they do want to leave. They are even now threatening to leave at the end of this month despite having nowhere to go rather than waiting for a bit and making sure they’ve got somewhere to go. I’m despairing a bit. Have you got any advice?

The EU, Brussels I think the partner should make sure they’ve got somewhere else to go before leaving. How can they leave if they’ve got nowhere to go. No wonder they haven’t left yet.

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Dear Amy, Every morning I wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, leave the house, go to work, have a lunchbreak, go back to work, finish work, go home, eat dinner, watch telly and then go to bed. Great isn’t it?

Dennis, Swindon Well, I wake up annoyingly and then I get out of bed after a stretch, then I get dressed, then I have breakfast, then I brush my teeth and hair, then I go to school. At school I do maths, break, science and then we go to a shop and I go home, then I ate dinner, then I went upstairs to go on the iPad and then sleep. Full stop.

Dear Amy, There are many theories that talk about life on earth and how we evolved to be the humans that we are. But I don’t want to be a human any more, and I want to devolve back to being an ape or something. Can you help? If you were able to help you’d be able to keep me as a pet.

Debs, Cowley I like chimpanzees and I want one as a pet. But it’s illegal. I wish I could have a pet monkey. I’m like you. I want to be an ape. Can we move into Africa so I can be an ape!?

To write into Agony Girl send in your questions to editorial@theocelot.co.uk

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