Parenting Handbook 12-19 Years of Age

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CONTENTS PAGE

Introduction Welcome to our Parenting Handbook: A guide for parents and carers of 12-19 year olds in Swansea.

The teenage years are a time of change, challenge and excitement.

Studies have shown that most teenagers like their parents and feel that they get on well with them.

In this guide, you will find information about these changes, the upheavals they can cause, the special problems that arise and positive ways in which they can be managed. It gives contacts for further information that you can follow up on if you need more help and advice. You’ll find information, some warning signs as well as ideas and tips that can be used to tackle specific issues.

Being a teenager can be tough. But, by understanding them a little better and giving them time to develop, you can build a much closer and ultimately more rewarding relationship.

I hope you find this guide helpful and worth keeping for future reference.

Richard Parry - Lead Director for Children and Young People

There is also an additional Parenting Handbook available for parents and carers of birth-11 year olds in Swansea.

Key contacts Access and Information (Social Services) 01792 635700 Family Information Service 01792 517222

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CONTENTS PAGE

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Contents General information Positive parenting & self-esteem Make them feel great

The importance of friendships Coping with demands

Health Puberty & adolescence Changing times

Sexual health & teenage pregnancy Preventative parenting

Alcohol, drugs & substance misuse Spotting the signs

Well-being Getting the balance right

Disabilities You’re not alone

Coping with life events Divorce & bereavement Coping with grief

Young carers Working together

Domestic abuse It could be happening at home

Living away from home Being prepared

Safety Bullying The real story

Internet safety New technology, old problem

Young people in trouble How widespread is it?

Fear of crime Coming to terms

Missing From home and school

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ositive parenting is about bringing out the best in your teen, by listening and understanding, praising and encouraging their efforts and noticing good behaviour.

Doing things together that you both enjoy make a big difference.

In trying to be helpful, it is often easy to point out where things are going wrong and forget to notice the things that are working. It can undermine your relationship. Parental attention and praise affects young people so you need to use it in the right direction! Not only will this have an effect on their behaviour in a positive way, it will also make them feel happy, loved, wanted and secure and this is the basis of lifelong confidence and self-esteem.

Teenagers have to learn to make their own decisions and establish their independence from their parents. Unfortunately their decisions might not always fit with yours. That is why tension is normal. Choose your battles and let some go! Be friendly and supportive and let them know you have been through it and that you are always willing to listen. The main concern for teens is whether what they are going through is normal. Remember to give them the practical information they need about the physical and emotional changes and reassure them that their development is perfectly normal.

Keeping your child fit and healthy is something that most parents do without even thinking about it. Whether it involves getting your child to exercise or reminding them to pay attention to personal hygiene, you are an important source of information and advice and a role model for your child.

There may be none. Is your child eating well? Getting enough exercise? Any changes in how they act?

Are they trying to tell you something?

Are they constantly unhappy, with mood changes and temper tantrums?

Hopefully you have already developed a good relationship. Work on this if you need to. Keep a healthy lifestyle. Do things together.

Remember that you are in charge.

Even if you only get a grunt, don’t give up on talking.

It is often at the beginning of the teenage years when a young person feels most insecure and can have low self-esteem.

Work on this together. Praise, encouragement and support go a long way.

A sense of self-esteem is your child’s best protection from other difficulties. You can help to make them feel good about themselves in many ways. By being a good role model, giving good feedback, understanding and helping your child and being natural and affectionate.

• Young people need to feel secure, loved and valued - this is the basis of self-esteem and confidence • Encourage them and praise their efforts • Noticing and praising good behaviour is the best way of having a good effect on how your child acts • Be realistic about what you expect from them • Parents and carers need to work together and keep the same rules • Listen and talk!

Be a little crazy! Have fun. Try to get them to make friends and have outside interests. Listen carefully to their point of view and understand they are entitled to their opinion. Help them think through choices.

• Your Doctor • Young Minds Parents Information Service 0800 018 2138 www.youngminds.org.uk • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 www.parentlineplus.org.uk

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riendships are very important to teenagers. Having a close friend or group of friends and belonging to a group helps them feel good about themselves, learn to deal with people, and develop their own identity. This helps them learn about the values and ideas of others.

The importance of friendship Friends can often take precedence over family members, and parents can sometimes feel left-out and taken for granted. This is a natural reaction, but it is important to understand that your child is learning to relate to their peers, becoming naturally independent and learning to control their own lives. Support them and ‘go-with’ the situation.

The meaning of friendship Girls tend to have smaller groups of friends. Fitting in with a group and sharing secrets is very important, and how you look, what music you like and the length of your hair all need to be just ‘right’.

Friendships are important to boys too, but they usually form larger groups of friends. They may play sports with some mates or just hang out with others. Boys want to look good but they don’t talk about fashion as much as girls do. Worries about who’s ‘doing it’ and who’s not are more important!

Peer groups Peer groups (or groups of teenagers of the same age) often form in school or out on the street. Belonging to a group is very important. Young people may want to be part of a group because their friends are, even if they don’t really like what everyone else does. As they get into their later teens, they will probably make up their own minds rather than going along with the crowd.

Putting on the pressure Many teenagers feel under pressure to do things they are not happy about because they don’t want to stick out from the crowd. This might mean wearing certain clothes or shopping in the ‘right places’. On a more serious level, this might mean being absent from school, trying alcohol or drugs, shoplifting or going further with a boyfriend or girlfriend than they feel ready to.

• Friendships help your teenager to develop in many ways • Most young people like to look the same as everyone else and be part of the crowd • Pressure from other teenagers to act in a certain way can be powerful • Family support is important - but be prepared, your teenager could turn to their friends first

Worried about friends You may feel worried about the effect certain friends are having on your teenager. They may also be worried about what they are doing and do not know how to talk to you about it. Support your child by letting them know they can talk to you and that you will help. You can help your teenager trust their own feelings and values, building up an emotional strength that will help them as they get older.

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If your child is unusually quiet or seems unhappy, there may be friendship problems. Suddenly having money or new clothes, unusual behaviour that you think may be caused by drink or drugs and not wanting to tell you about what they are doing are all signs that your teenager may be getting into trouble.

It’s unlikely that they’re doing it alone.

Find out if your teenager is having any problems at school or with friends.

Ask if there is anything you can do to help and let them know you are always there for them. If the problem carries on, talk to the school or a Social Worker.

Talk to your teenager calmly and try not to judge them, as this will only make it less likely that they open up to you and feel they can trust you.

Problems or friendship break-ups that may seem small to you are very important to your teenager.

Even though you may not be the first person your teenager turns to when in trouble, your support is still important.

To help stop your child from keeping problems in, let them know you are always there for them when they need you.

• Info-Nation 01792 484010 www.info-nation.org.uk • www.bbc.co.uk/parenting • www.raisingkids.co.uk • Connexions Direct 080 800 13 2 19 www.connexions-direct.com

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uberty is a time of enormous physical change for teenagers. While they may be excited at certain changes, they may be less happy at others.

Teenagers also develop at different speeds, so realising that her best friend has started her period when your daughter hasn’t, or your son notices he’s not developing the strong physique of others in his class, can be of real concern.

As well as dealing with emotional changes brought on by hormones, your child will have to deal with obvious physical changes such as pubic hair, developing breasts or a bigger penis, period pain and common problems such as body odour, greasy hair, spots and bad breath.

Puberty in both boys and girls is starting earlier. Hormones testosterone in boys and oestrogen and progesterone in girls, trigger many changes.

• Boys’ bodies can start to change from the age of ten, with sexual development from thirteen. This will include a deepening voice, developing muscles, hair growth, more active sweat glands and growth spurts. The penis grows larger and regularly becomes erect, often when there are sexual thoughts, but embarrassingly for them, in very normal situations, too. Boys also begin to experience ‘wet dreams’, when they ejaculate during sleep.

• Puberty in girls can begin from around nine years old.

Breasts and nipples swell and the body becomes more curvaceous, body hair appears, sweat glands become more active and periods start. They may also begin fantasising about sex and relationships.

This is a worrying time for teenagers, who naturally compare what’s happening to them with their friends. Girls may worry about starting their period earlier or later than others, or that one of their breasts is bigger than the other, or that their hair is always greasy. Boys may be concerned that they’re not as muscular as their mates, or acne seems to have taken over their face, or their penis looks too small. For both sexes, concerns about having a girl/boyfriend and when and how to have sex (30% have sex before the age of 16) will be on their minds.

• Puberty can be a worrying time for teenagers • Hormones trigger physical and emotional changes • Ensure your teenager is well informed • Listen to your teenager’s concerns

Make sure they’re informed Misconceptions lead to fear and mistakes, so make sure your child is well informed. If you’re not sure how to explain the facts of life or what to expect during puberty, there are many books available and websites aimed at teenagers. Why not sit down together and go through them, so you can discuss any topics of concern? It is important to think about how best to do this so as to avoid natural embarrassment. Boys may appreciate doing this with their dad, rather than getting embarrassed with mum.

Under 16 - their rights Children under the age of 16 legally have the right to confidential advice and treatment from Doctors, Nurses and other Health Workers, without your knowledge. This means your child can receive advice on having sex, and, if it is believed your child is mature enough to make the decision, to receive contraception or have an abortion. Although every effort will be made to encourage an under 16 to talk to a parent, the final decision is up to them, unless it is thought their life is threatened in some way.

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Be patient. This is a difficult time emotionally and physically for your teenager as they learn to handle their changing appearance and fluctuating emotions. The more a young person understands what’s happening to them, the easier they will find it to cope. There are many websites aimed at teenagers, but they could be useful for you too to brush up on some facts (see below).

By their teenage years your child should know the facts of life and be prepared for new experiences such as periods or wet dreams. You will probably have to answer a lot of questions about puberty. Don’t be embarrassed and be well prepared with simple and factual answers.

The more informed your teenager is, the better he or she will be able to cope with the changes that come with puberty. Encourage chats to prevent any worries or problems getting out of perspective.

• Info-Nation 01792 484010 www.info-nation.org.uk • Parentline Plus 0800 800 2222 www.parentlineplus.co.uk • NHS Direct 0845 4647 www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk • www.thesite.org • www.raisingkids.co.uk • www.ukparentslounge.com

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he UK has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe.

Rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) have also gone up in the UK. Teenagers often do not understand the types of contraception available and how to get them. They may not know how to use it (such as how to put on a condom) and that they can get the Pill if they are under 16.

Many teenagers have never been told by an adult that it’s okay to say ‘no’ and not to have sex just because all their mates say they are. It is important to let them know that relationships are about love and friendship and not just about having sex. Most parents feel that there would be less teenage pregnancies if more parents talked to their children about sex.

What your child should know Even though most young people are getting sex and relationship education from school (some schools are better at this than others) teenagers want their parents to talk to them about sex and relationships. The earlier you start talking about sex, relationships and contraception, the less likely they are to have sex too early. They will also be more likely to have safe sex, and cut down the risk of teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections.

Answer questions they have about sex or their bodies with simple, clear answers and find out the answer if you are unsure.

Use TV programmes or magazine articles to introduce topics and look at them together. Talk about relationships, as well as sex, and how both boys and girls need to think about protection. Explain that it is not ideal to have an unplanned pregnancy and that being a teenage mum or dad can be tough.

Although the sexual age of consent is 16, one third of young people under this age are already having sex. Under-16s can get advice, contraception or have an abortion, without having to tell their parents, if their doctor thinks that they are mature enough to make this choice.

Unprotected sex Emergency contraception is available to young people and can stop pregnancy in most cases if it is taken in time (usually up to three days after unprotected sex). If it is three days or more, they may still be able to have an emergency Intra Uterine Device (IUD) fitted. Emergency contraception is free from family planning clinics and some chemists.

• The UK has the highest rate of teenage pregnancy in Europe • Lack of information is a common problem for teenagers • Talk to your teenager

If your teenager has taken emergency contraception and has not had a period within three weeks they should take a pregnancy test and see their doctor.

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One third of under-16s are already having sex, so don’t think your teenager is any different. Warning signs that your teenager may be pregnant include keeping secrets, missed periods, morning sickness, worrying and changes in body shape.

If you think your daughter is pregnant, the sooner you talk about it and she can make an informed choice the better. The longer she does nothing about it the less choices she will have.

Try to get her to go to her doctor or a local clinic and offer to go with her if she wants you there.

While it may be a shock to learn that your daughter or your son’s partner is pregnant, they need your help and understanding, so try not to judge them.

Talk about her options of abortion, adoption or keeping the baby and the good and bad points about each choice.

Whatever you think, the final choice must be hers alone.

The more teenagers are informed the less likely they are to have sex too early and they are more likely to use protection when they do. This reduces the risk of pregnancy as well as Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs).

• Info-Nation 01792 484010 www.info-nation.org.uk • Swansea Family Planning 01792 517976 • Sexwise Helpline 0800 28 29 30 www.ruthinking.co.uk • Marie Stopes 0845 300 8090 www.mariestopes.org.uk • Brook Advisory Centres 0800 0185 023 www.brook.org.uk • FPA 0845 122 8690 www.fpa.org.uk • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 www.parentlineplus.org.uk • NHS Direct 0845 4647 www.nhsdirect.nhs.uk • Sense CDs www.sensecds.com

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t’s natural for young people to be out more often and to have friends you don’t get to know, and go to places you know little about.

It is also likely that your teenager will mix with some people who use alcohol, drugs or other chemicals (such as sniffing glue).

While most young people will want to try new things out, you can give them advice on how to say no if they are offered drugs or alcohol. Those who have been told about the dangers are less likely to drink heavily or take any drugs.

Studies by the charity Alcohol Concern show that levels of drinking among young people are going up. In one study, 47% of 15-year-olds had drunk alcohol in the last week. It is also a known fact that young people are more likely to have risky sex (e.g. without contraception, with lots of different partners or unplanned sex) when they have been drinking or taking drugs.

As many as one in fourteen 15-16 year olds said they’d had unprotected sex after drinking. Up to 40% of sexually active 13-14 year olds were ‘drunk or stoned’ when having sex for the first time.

Should you be worried?

Although drinking and drug taking is serious, for most young people it is a phase they go through and grow out of as they get older. While it may be an issue for you, your teenager probably won’t see drinking or occasionally taking drugs as a problem.

This is a natural age to want to try out new things, testing boundaries and being part of the gang.

There may be signs that your teenager is frequently drinking or taking drugs. They may keep secrets, steal and find it hard to concentrate on schoolwork or be absent from school. Their moods may change and they may become more lazy or difficult.

Being supportive You can help your teenager by making sure they are given the facts and know about the dangers of drugs and alcohol.

• It’s normal for young people to want to try out new things • Having the right knowledge leads to safer choices • Know the signs to look out for • Be supportive and do not judge your teenager

Building up a good relationship with your teenager means they are more likely to talk to you about any concerns they have, which also means they are less likely to turn to drugs or alcohol as a way of getting away from problems.

If you think your teenager does have a problem, choose a quiet time to talk. Don’t over-react, accuse or threaten, but try to get them to talk about what’s happening. If they find it hard to talk to you, try to find another adult, such as a family friend or teacher they can open up to. Talk to your Doctor if you feel they need more help. There are also many organisations that offer information and advice to help you and your teenager.

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Changes in behaviour, such as stealing, being absent from school, getting into fights, being moody, lazy and keeping secrets can all be signs that your teen is taking drugs or drinking.

Try to get your teenager to talk to you about what they are doing, without pushing them. If you think that there is a serious problem, talk about the issue without judging them, as your child will need your help and understanding.

A good relationship between you means that your teenager will make safer choices. Make sure they know about the different drugs they may come across and their dangers. The more informed you are, the more you will be able to help them.

Being educated about drugs and their dangers from an early age means it’s less likely that they will have serious drug or alcohol problems. It’s also good to lead by example. If your children see you getting drunk or using drugs, it increases the chances of them doing the same.

• Info-Nation 01792 484010 www.info-nation.org.uk • ADFAM 020 7553 7640 www.adfam.org.uk • Drinkline National Alcohol Helpline 0800 917 8282 www.drinkaware.co.uk • National Drugs Helpline 0800 77 66 00 www.talktofrank.com • Parents Against Drug Abuse (PADA) 08457 023867 www.pada.org.uk • www.alcoholconcern.org.uk

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ell-being means having a good balance between how you feel physically and how you feel mentally and emotionally. Teenage years are a difficult time and young people have a lot to deal with, so it's not surprising that at times some young people feel stressed and anxious.

There are many reasons why this can happen such as: parents divorcing or separating; feeling ignored and unloved; or not being listened to; losing friends; changing school or moving home; worries about their looks, sexuality, health, exams or abuse.

Body image can be very important to young people, and some use food to deal with their problems. This can lead to an eating disorder - Anorexia Nervosa or Bulimia Nervosa.

Anorexia is a serious condition that can cause life-long problems and even death. People with Bulimia, or bulimics, usually stay at the same weight but binge eat in secret.

Depression: can't sleep; crying; avoiding friends and family; not caring about what they look like. Anorexia: Big weight loss; avoid food; say they’ve eaten already; hide their body; miss periods; feel cold; can't sleep; moodiness; hair falls out. Bulimia: binge eating; sore throat; miss periods; disappear after meals; puffy skin; use laxatives. Self-harming: cuts; burns; scalds or bruises.

If your child is depressed, stressed or anxious, has an eating disorder or is self-harming be patient. Give them the chance to talk about how they are feeling so that you can talk through problems together. Get as much support as you can from people around you.

People with an eating disorder are usually the last ones to recognize they have a problem. If you think your teenager has one, they need your help. Try to get them to eat sensibly, but just as importantly, try to find out why it all started.

Another way some young people cope with problems is by self-harming or hurting themselves. This might be cutting, burning, hitting, picking skin, head banging against a wall or taking an overdose.

Let your teenager know that you are there to help them, no matter what.

You might be upset that they’re having problems but try not to judge them.

Make time to really listen to them.

Those who self-harm say the physical pain takes their mind off their problems. A person who self-harms can't just decide to stop - they need help to get over their problem.

Most cases of harming do not lead to death, but can be a sign that your teenager may be thinking about more serious harm or even suicide.

If your teenager is suffering from any of these problems - they need your help. You might be shocked to find out the truth, but try to understand and seek professional help if necessary.

• Most young people have highs and lows, but if these lows last for a long time that is called depression • When someone uses food to get control over their lives it can lead to an eating disorder • Self-harming is another way that some people try to get control over their lives • Family life can be stressful so take some time out for yourself and get as much support as you can

Listen and talk to your teenager. A supportive and understanding family means your child may feel more able to talk to you about any problems, rather than bottling them up.

And remember well-being doesn't just apply to your children; it's important that you look after yourself too!

• Info-Nation 01792 484010 www.info-nation.org.uk • Young Minds 0800 018 2138 www.youngminds.org.uk • The Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 www.samaritans.org • National Children's Bureau www.selfharm.org.uk • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 www.parentlineplus.org.uk • Beating Eating Disorders 0845 634 1414 www.b-eat.co.uk • www.cool2talk.org

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hatever your child’s disabilities, they will be experiencing the same feelings as any other teenager. And you will be feeling the same concerns as any other parent.

The teenage years can be difficult for your child. They see their friends socialising more, going to parties and starting new relationships. They can feel lonely and cut off from their friends if they are not able to do the same things.

All young people want to go out to places with their friends or come home at a time that you are not happy with. They are faced with the same worries, such as what their friends think about them and how good they look. They are getting used to sexual feelings, like any other teen. Like their friends, they are beginning to think about going to college or getting a job. During this time of change, your teenager will need a lot of support.

If your teenager has good friends, encourage them to meet up regularly as a group. Ask your Social Worker about local ‘befriending’ schemes so they can enjoy activities without you, such as shopping or going to a café. Check if your local leisure centre runs supported sporting activities. Some local colleges run volunteer schemes where students take your child to a local course. Ask if any local charities run clubs for disabled teenagers where they can enjoy activities or holidays away from home.

Your child’s educational needs will be reviewed after their 14th birthday. This is the time to think about your teenager’s interests and what opportunities there are for them in the future. Young people with a learning disability have a right to education until they are 19. Your teenager may want to continue their education at a local Further Education College, an Adult Training Centre or Social Education Centre. If not, ask your Social Worker about work opportunities in local businesses. There are also Resource Centres - day centres for people with learning disabilities which run a range of activities. Ask your Social Worker about what’s on offer locally.

They may eventually want to move away from home. You can find out if there are any group homes for people with disabilities in your area. These are run by the local authority, voluntary societies or are privately owned.

• Young people with a disability have the same concerns as any other teenager • Encourage your child to meet people • Find out about local activities for the disabled • Meet your child’s educational needs

Check with your Social Worker what benefits and allowances you and your teenager are entitled to, so that they can get the most out of their teenage years.

Encourage your teenager to go out with friends. Ask if there are local ‘befriending’ schemes and local organisations offering teenagers the chance to get out and meet other people without parents.

Talk to your teenager about their interests. Ask your Social Worker what local activities or clubs are available to meet your teenager’s needs. Talk to your child about what they would like to do after they leave school.

Your teenager is going through the same worries as any other. Ask what kind of clothes they like wearing and how they like their hair. Ask what activities they’d like to do to prevent them feeling different to their friends.

• Council for Disabled Children 020 7843 1900 • Mencap 020 7454 0454 www.mencap.org.uk • ChildLine 0800 1111 www.childline.org.uk • Contact a Family 0808 808 3555 www.cafamily.org.uk

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oss or death is difficult for everyone.

For young people, not quite being a child anymore but not yet an adult can make it difficult for them to deal with their feelings. Young people need a lot of support and understanding to help them work through their grief.

There is no right or wrong way to react and everyone handles things in different ways. There will be a range of feelings your teenager is likely to go through such as: • Feeling numb as they try to understand that someone is really not coming back.

• Anger at the person who died, at you, at others or themselves.

• Guilt possibly blaming themselves in some way, or feeling guilty because they don’t think they’re grieving ‘enough’.

• Sadness or depressed.

It is easy for young people to think they are the only ones who have lost someone and that no one else understands them, but talking to other people will help. Talk to your child about what has happened as much as they want to, they may find this hard, so encourage friends or a teacher to be there for them too. It may help if they talk to a bereavement counsellor.

Separation and divorce When a relationship breaks down it is hard for the whole family.

While you may think it is kinder to try and protect your children from the details, the truth is that the more your child understands what is going on, the easier they will find it to cope.

• Death affects everyone differently • Talking helps ease the pain; be there for each other • Separation can be as upsetting for your children as it is for you • Let them know you will both still be there for them

If possible, have both parents there when you explain what’s going to happen and why. Try not to fight in front of them and make clear that even though you will be living apart you will both be there for them whenever they need you. They may have mixed feelings during this time including feeling hurt, confused and unloved. You both need to be patient and understanding of their needs as well as your own.

Young people can often think that their parents’ breaking up is somehow their fault and that they’ve done something wrong.

They need to understand that what’s happened is not their fault.

You may find them taking the side of one parent. Hopefully, this will pass and by explaining the facts, a good relationship can be kept with both parents.

Talk and listen to what they have to say. How you handle the break-up is important for their well-being. Try to get them to talk them about their feelings and involve them in making choices about the future and what changes may happen.

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Everyone reacts to death differently and it takes some people longer than others to come to terms with a loss.

Give them as much time and patience as they need. Saying bad things or fighting with your partner in front of them is only going to hurt them.

Tell them about what’s happening and how it will affect their lives.

You may not be the person they find it easiest to talk to, so encourage others to be there for them. Show them that their well-being is important to you both by listening to their feelings and wishes.

Show them that their well-being is important to you both by listening to their feelings and wishes. Remember to let them know it’s alright to still laugh or have fun - it doesn’t mean you’re grieving any less. Explain why you are breaking up and that it is nothing to do with things they may have said or done.

Keep the lines of communication open as the more you talk, the easier the healing process will be.

If you do separate or divorce try to stop your children feeling hurt, guilty, or unloved. Talk to them so they understand why you are breaking up and how this will affect their lives.

• Cruse Bereavement Care Helpline 0844 477 9400 www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk • www.rd4u.org.uk • www.dca.gov.uk (Government website with tips for handling separation) • www.itsnotyourfault.org • Winston’s Wish 08452 03 04 05 www.winstonswish.org.uk

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any people need special care in their homes. They may be ill, disabled or elderly, or they may have drug or alcohol problems. Care from a member of the family can be a help. When the carer is a child or a young adult it is very important to make sure that they are getting everything they need too.

If your child has any caring role, for yourself or another member of their family, it is most important that they do not suffer because of their caring. Most importantly, tell your local Department of Social Services, and your Local Education and Health Authorities about this. You don’t have to cope alone; they can help you both get the support and advice you both need.

Education You will want them to do well at school. Many young carers achieve good results but research has shown that caring can have a bad effect on education. To help stop this, it is important that your Local Education Authority and the school are told about their caring role. This way they can give extra help if needed and will understand and support them.

Health Sometimes young carers can be so busy looking after others, that they forget to look after themselves, and can become ill, stressed or depressed. The best way to avoid this is to get help from your Doctor and Local Health Authority. Let them know all about what is happening so that they can give the help and advice that you both need.

Late homework, missing school, feeling tired all the time and acting unusually may be signs that your child is struggling with their caring role. It is very important that you talk and listen to your child so you can take action to help them cope.

Don’t think that you and your child have to deal with things alone. Get as much information as you can and find out what services, support, benefits and advice are available. You’re not alone - make contact!

Make sure your local Department of Social Services, your Local Education and Health Authorities, and your Doctor know about what is happening and keep them up to date if things change.

Extra support Your council can give extra support to carers. This can include special breaks for carers and extra support services for particular needs. There are also many local and national organisations set up to help young carers and their parents.

Being a young carer could have a bad effect on health, education and wellbeing. You can help stop this by making sure that they get the best support and advice available.

• Young carers are protected by the Children Act 1989; Carers (Recognition and Services Act) 1995 and Carers and Disabled Children Act 2000 • The Government, your Local Council, and Education and Health Authorities are there to help and will act once concern is raised • There are many types of support to help you and your child cope with their caring • You care about your young carer! So make contact with the support groups and organisations that are there to help

• Carers UK 0808 808 7777 www.carersuk.org • ChildLine 0800 1111 www.childline.org.uk

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omestic abuse is when one person hurts another physically, emotionally or sexually in the home.

Physical violence includes hurting someone by kicking, pushing, or hitting them. Emotional violence includes putting someone down or saying things to make him or her frightened or lack self-confidence. Sexual violence is making someone take part in sexual acts when they don’t want to or are not happy with.

Stress, money problems, alcohol or drug misuse can lead to violence within the home. Abusers were often abused as a child. This is no excuse, violence is wrong and can have a major impact on children in the home.

More than half a million cases of domestic abuse are reported in England and Wales each year and most victims are women.

Victims sometimes find it hard to build up the courage to take action against domestic violence. If you are a victim, your children become victims too and it is worth considering this when you are deciding what to do about your situation.

Victims of domestic violence can often feel that they have caused the problem and that it is their fault. Verbal abuse can often lead to physical abuse and it is important that it is stopped before it reaches this point.

It may take time to admit to yourself or others that you are a victim of violence.

Contact one of the help groups or organisations for advice on what to do next. Many offer 24-hour helplines, giving support and help as well as practical advice.

The children’s charity, ChildLine, say that in nine out of ten cases of violence, children are in the same or next room when the violence is going on. In half of all reported domestic violence cases, children get hurt too.

Whether they are being physically hurt themselves or not, young people are still harmed by living in a home where domestic violence happens. They are always in danger of being hurt and they will be deeply upset by what is going on in their family. It can only make things worse if parents pretend that nothing is wrong and can make it harder for them to come to terms with the situation. They may feel forced to take sides, even though they love both parents. They are more likely to be ignored as the parents deal with the problems in their own lives leaving them feeling unloved and unsupported. This in turn will affect their self-confidence.

There can be serious effects. Young people may get angry, blaming one parent (not always the person being violent) or even themselves which can cause the situation at home to become worse. They may become violent themselves. They may experiment with drugs or alcohol as a way of escaping.

Schoolwork can suffer and it can be hard to focus.

• In most cases, children are in the same or next room when it happens • Domestic abuse causes damage to children • Get advice, support and help to stop the abuse

How to get help Building up the courage to change the situation is hard but it can be done. The law protects victims of domestic violence.

You owe it to yourself and your family to get help. Contact the Police and your local Council’s Social Services department for advice on what steps you can take. There are also a number of groups that can give advice and support.

Domestic abuse against parents If a young person is violent towards you and think they have got away with it there is no reason for them to stop and the problem is likely to get worse. Try to work out what is causing their behaviour. Make it clear that you are in control and will not accept their aggressive behaviour. Talk to someone who may be able to help.

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Children cope with difficult situations better when they understand what is going on. Even if they are not in the room when violence occurs, they will know it is happening. You are not protecting them by saying nothing as this only leaves them confused, so explain what is going on and what steps are being taken to change what is happening.

You can’t stop a partner from being violent but you can try to stop the bad effects this will have on your children.

No-one has to cope alone with this.

Contact a local help organisation or your local Council for advice.

• Domestic Violence Helpline Swansea 0808 80 10 800 www.womensaid.org.uk and www.refuge.org.uk • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 www.parentlineplus.org.uk • Police 999 (in an emergency) • Victim Support Line 0845 30 30 900 • Respect 0845 122 8609

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hen your child leaves home to live away from you for the first time, it’s a big step for both of you. They may be going because further education such as college or university is taking them to another city or because of training or work. This means your relationship is moving on to a different stage. The change may be exciting and difficult for both of you.

Some young people don’t think twice about the fact that their meals are cooked, their clothes are washed and ironed, their phone calls are paid for and the house is clean. When they move out of home it can be a big shock to realise that they’ve got to do all these things themselves and they will probably not realise how much things cost.

• When they decide to leave home make sure your teenager is ready • Teach your teenager about how much things cost • Ask them to stay in touch • Get support from family and friends when they leave

There are many things your teenager needs to understand before setting out on their own and you can help them by chatting about: • Paying rent: setting up standing orders or a direct debit, signing a contract, and rights as a tenant.

• Paying bills: putting money aside for Council Tax, bills such as gas, electricity, water and telephone, travel, as well as food and going out.

• Eating healthily: you can’t expect miracles, but you can explain what makes up a balanced diet with a range of fruit and vegetables. Help them to cook a few simple meals before they go.

• Living with others: they will need to understand how to take into account others’ wishes, share jobs around the home and share living expenses.

Problems at home can leave you both wishing they lived somewhere else.

Try to discuss and solve problems - the longer your teenager lives at home, the more prepared they will be when they do move out. If your child is keen to leave home, make sure they know exactly what to expect when they have to look after themselves.

Make sure they are ready for living away from home. This means learning how to budget, how to cook healthy meals, learning about keeping themselves safe and learning to live with others.

Get them to talk about any worries about living away from home. Remind them that if they get lonely they can always call you and return home for visits. They should also be able to talk to their college, university, training or workplace.

While your teenager will be enjoying their new freedom, try to get them to stay in touch and come home for visits.

Difficulties of being at home It can be hard to live with someone who has bad moods and there can be lots of arguments. You may not like the fact that you are paying for their lifestyle and may wish your teenager no longer lived at home. However they would like to appear, a teenager is still young and needs you, so the longer they live at home, the more chance they have to build up the confidence to deal with the outside world on their own. Even as they are growing up and changing they will still need your love and support.

If your child wants to leave home against your wishes, put them in touch with the local Council. If they are disabled, unemployed or homeless, the Housing department may be able to help them.

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Talk to them about leaving home too soon or if you feel they are too young to deal with looking after themselves.

Not paying their rent or bills could lead them to being fined or made homeless.

• Info-Nation 01792 484010 www.info-nation.org.uk • Connexions Direct 080 800 13 2 19 www.connexions-direct.com • www.thesite.org • Shelter 0808 800 4444 (24-hour advice line) www.shelter.org.uk

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ullying happens when someone hurts or frightens another person on purpose.

Bullying can include: teasing or name calling, hitting and kicking, or stealing and damaging another person’s things. Spreading rumours, ignoring someone, cruel text or email messages, being picked on because of race, religion, sexuality, disability or just seeming different.

Being bullied breaks down a person’s self-confidence, leaving them feeling alone, scared and powerless. Schools can be seen as places to fear rather than places to enjoy. Being bullied affects schoolwork due to stress, missed lessons, not being able to focus and time off school for illness caused by worry or through injuries from being hurt. For a small number, it may lead to thoughts or attempts of suicide.

Look out for signs, as they may not be able to or want to tell you what is happening to them, because they are scared that you may just make things even worse.

Warning signs • Things like headaches or stomach aches, caused by stress and worry.

• Not sleeping well.

• Being more bad tempered than usual or over-reacting and taking it out on brothers and sisters.

• Missing or damaged belongings.

• Bad results at school.

• Worrying about going to school in the morning, or a change in routine with friends.

Changes such as: becoming more withdrawn or violent; regular headaches or stomach aches; worrying; a change of routine (such as the route to school) or not wanting to go out with friends; poor results at school; damaged belongings; missing money; injuries and poor sleep patterns.

Try to get them to talk to you, a teacher or to contact help groups. Talk about bullying with the school and find out how they handle situations. Don’t ignore any signs of bullying.

Talk about ways that they can deal with bullying themselves, to help build up their self-confidence. If this doesn’t work, talk to the Teacher or Headteacher about what can be done.

Encourage your child to always tell someone if they are being bullied. Back up concerns to the school in writing.

What you can do If they tell you that they are being bullied, don’t ignore them.

Listen to what they are saying and first try to discuss ideas to help them sort the problem out for themselves.

• Bullying takes many different forms • Being bullied can have long-lasting bad effects • Be able to see the signs that they are being bullied • Find out how to help

If this doesn’t work, suggest your child keeps a diary of things that happen and that they talk to their Teacher or Headteacher.

You should write to the school about your worries. By law, every school must have an anti-bullying policy. If you feel the school is not doing anything about the problem, write to the Board of Governors and the Local Authority or contact the School’s Education Social Worker.

Make them feel better about themselves by encouraging friends they can rely upon and suggest activities or clubs where they can meet new people. Let them know they can talk to you and make them feel loved and secure.

If your child is a bully Bullies often feel unwanted or uncared for. Bullying makes them feel powerful or popular. It can be upsetting to know your child is a bully but you need to understand why they feel the need to do it. Problems at home, divorce, pressure from friends or being bullied themselves may all be causes. Without judging them, let them know that what they are doing is hurtful and wrong.

Discuss ways they can change their actions and ask the school for help if you need to.

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Help them by spending time with them and listening to any worries they have, showing an interest in their activities, supporting them with schoolwork and encouraging friends.

This will help them to build up the self-confidence to deal with what life throws at them.

• Info-Nation 01792 484010 www.info-nation.org.uk • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 www.parentlineplus.org.uk • ChildLine 0800 1111 www.childline.org.uk • Kidscape 08451 205 204 www.kidscape.org.uk • www.parentscentre.gov.uk • www.bullying.co.uk

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he Internet is a wonderful and quick way for young people to find information, help them study and keep in contact with friends or meet new ones.

Unfortunately, the Internet is also an easy tool for child abuse.

People who sexually abuse children - often referred to as paedophiles - use chat rooms to become friendly with children or young people, often by pretending to be another child.

Other risks include people who want to get personal information like names, addresses or telephone numbers for fraud. Using the Internet too much can lead to an unhealthy lifestyle and can be addictive.

Keep it safe Keep an eye on what’s going on by keeping the computer in a family room, rather than in a bedroom. Learn how to use a computer, access Internet sites and try out a chat room for yourself so you understand what can happen. Check out which sites your children are visiting to see if they are acceptable.

Keeping it secret when using the Internet, changes in how they act, unusual sexual questions, leaving clues (such as emails) that they are having chats with others which seem sexual or you are not comfortable with, or problems at school and not telling you where they are going or who they are meeting.

Set up and stick to your Internet-use ground rules. Learn all you can about the Internet and how to use it yourself so you can understand what they are viewing and whether it is suitable.

Ask other parents to tell you about good chat rooms or websites. Look for sites that check messages in chat rooms and those which include clear guidelines for use, teen-friendly advice, warnings and how to report concerns.

You can buy software filters which block access to websites with a sexual content. These don’t make Internet use totally safe so it is still much better for you to take an active interest in the sites your child is browsing.

Set ground rules • Limit the amount of time your teenager spends on the Internet - and stick to it.

• Discuss the kind of websites they can visit which are right for their age.

• Make it clear that they must never give out their real name, address, home or mobile phone numbers or any other personal details, or post photos of themselves on the Internet.

• They should always let you know if someone is asking questions or wanting details they don’t feel happy about giving.

• The Internet can be fun and useful • Have family Internet rules to encourage safer use • Paedophiles can use the Internet to contact children • It is important that parents understand the Internet

It’s important that your child understands why there need to be rules. Explain that because they can’t see or hear the people they chat to on the Internet, they may not be who they seem. Paedophiles gain the trust of young people on the Internet. Remind your teenager that strangers on the Internet can be just as dangerous as strangers on the street.

If your teenager is secretive when using the computer, if you notice changes in how they act, problems sleeping or changes in routine or they are suddenly asking about sexual matters, you should look into whether their Internet use has anything to do with it.

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Discuss with your teenager the dangers of chat rooms and looking at unsuitable websites. Make sure they know that any personal information, including their real name, should not be passed on to anyone else. Be openminded about the teen-websites they are viewing, but let them know that if they are worried about anything they see or read on the Internet they can ask you about it.

Keep the computer in a family room, with the monitor facing outwards, so you can always see what’s on screen.

Discuss which websites they are looking at and take a look for yourself.

Make sure your teenager is aware of the dangers.

• Info-Nation 01792 484010 www.info-nation.org.uk • www.kidsmart.org.uk • www.chatdanger.com • www.parentsonline.gov.uk • www.iwf.org.uk

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eported levels of youth crime have remained stable for the past three years, with 26% of young people in school and 60% of excluded pupils reporting that they committed an offence in the previous year.

There are many signs which might show something is wrong. Your child may be influenced by others, stay out late, have new clothes or other items which cannot be explained, or use drugs and alcohol.

Motoring, theft and handling are the most common offences committed by young people. Robbery accounts for less than 2% of all offences committed by young people.

Preventing young people offending The main reasons young people give for offending is boredom and peer group pressure.

As a parent/carer you have a responsibility to look after your child and to help them make decisions about how they live their life. You will not be held criminally responsible for your child once he/she reaches the age of ten years.

Talk to your child about your worries.

You can get help and advice from the local Youth Offending Team. Don't ignore the problem. Spending more time with your child doing other things can help.

Anti-social behaviour is a phrase used very regularly these days.

It can vary from high spirits to damaging and frightening behaviour. If your child is involved in anti-social behaviour a variety of actions may be taken: Reprimand and final warnings A first offence will bring a reprimand or final warning, depending on the severity of the offence. After one reprimand, another offence will bring a final warning or a charge. If a young person receives a final warning, they will be referred to the Local Youth Offending team.

Try to stay calm, all children break the rules from time to time, some more than others. If you do make rules, stick to them.

Anti-Social Behaviour Orders This order can be imposed by the courts at the request of the police or local authorities against anyone from the age of 10 years upwards whose behaviour is considered anti-social.The order restricts where a young person can go, what they can and cannot do and it is a criminal offence to break the conditions of the order.

• Motoring, theft and handling stolen goods are the most common crimes carried out by young people • Less than 2% of all offences committed by young people are robbery • The main reasons young people give for carrying out crime are boredom and pressure from friends • Young people from a supportive family home are less likely to offend • If you think something is wrong, talk to your child sooner rather than later

If a young person persists in offending and/or a parent refuses to take up support voluntarily, a Parenting Order can be imposed. A Parenting Order means that a parent must attend a maximum of 12 parenting support sessions. If they do not, a fine can be imposed. Parenting Orders are usually only sought when all voluntary offers of support have been refused.

It is important that you take an interest in your children. Know who their friends are and how they are doing at school. If you think that something is wrong do something sooner rather than later.

You child may also be invited to join in some type of “restorative justice” service to meet any victims of their crime, or do some work in the community e.g. cleaning up graffiti they have made.

Youth Offending Teams Youth Offending Teams (YOT) are a one-stop-shop for all young offenders. Each young person who has offended will be assessed by the YOT and decisions will be made by the team of specialists as to what steps should be taken to ensure the young offender keeps out of further trouble.

To support this work the YOT works closely with members of the community who volunteer and are trained to work with young people to help them stay out of trouble.

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• Access and Information (Social Services) 01792 635700 • Info-Nation 01792 484010 www.info-nation.org.uk • Youth Justice Board for England and Wales 020 7271 3033 www.yjb.gov.uk

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our teenager may know someone their age who’s been a victim of crime or they may have been a victim themselves. Maybe they’ve had their phone stolen or been made to hand over money - this is called being mugged.

Perhaps they’ve been attacked because of their religion or skin colour, or been happy-slapped.

It might be tempting to protect your teenager by stopping them going out anywhere, but this won’t help them - it will only make them over-anxious about crime. It’s better that they know how to stay safe. That way, they’ll feel more confident and you won’t have to worry as much. Fear of crime very often exceeds reality.

There’s lots of advice you can give your child to make sure they know how stay safe: • Keep your mobile phone, MP3 player and wallet or purse out of sight, as most things are stolen when they’re being used or can be seen.

• Strap your bag across your chest and put one hand on the strap.

• Carry an audible personal attack alarm to use if you feel in danger.

• Try to be with a friend or group of friends all the time, especially if you’re going somewhere new.

• Act confidently, even if you don’t feel it - look alert and walk proudly and quickly. If you look confident, you’re less likely to be a victim of crime.

• Stick to footpaths and well-lit areas. Never take a short cut through a dark alleyway just to get home earlier.

• If you think someone’s following you, cross to the other side of the road and keep walking. If you still think they’re following you, head for a well-lit area where there are lots of people. Always ask for help if you need it.

• If you are attacked, scream and shout but hand over what you are asked for. It’s better to run off and be safe than fight and end up hurt.

• Fear of crime almost always exceeds reality • Teenagers are more likely to be mugged than their parents • Young people today carry around valuable items that are attractive to criminals • Rather than stopping your child going out, explain how to stay safe • Tell your child to keep valuable things out of sight • Encourage your child to go round with a group of friends • Acting confidently will mean your teenager is less likely to be attacked

And here’s how they can keep their mobile phone safe: • Don’t show it off to groups of people.

• Try not to use it where there are lots of other people.

• Type *#06# into it to get your IMEI number, and write it down. If your phone gets stolen you can stop anyone else making calls on it.

• Have a PIN number that only you know.

• Keep the phone locked with the PIN number unless you’re using it.

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Watch out for signs that your teenager is at risk of being a victim of crime, for example if their mobile phone and wallet and other valuable possessions are easily seen, they wear lots of jewellery, or if they walk around by themselves, especially at night.

Make sure your teenager knows the main ways to say safe when they’re out and about. It’s better that they feel confident every day than a nervous wreck. Plus, always make sure you know where your child is.

Talk to your child calmly about the risks and dangers when they’re out and about. If you appear very anxious about being a victim of crime, chances are they will too.

Teenagers are more likely to be mugged than their parents, so it’s vital that they know how to stay safe.

• Info-Nation 01792 484010 www.info-nation.org.uk • Victim Support Line 0845 30 30 900 www.victimsupport.org • Parentline Plus 0808 800 2222 www.parentlineplus.org.uk • Police (999 in an emergency)

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oung people love being able to do what they want and part of that is not having to always tell you where they are or answer to you.

This is fine if you have built up trust and you can usually rely on them to be sensible and to be home at a time you both agree on. Problems may happen if your child often stays out late or is missing for a night or two, or they will not tell you where they have been or who they have been with. If this happens they may be trying drugs or alcohol and could be open to sexual abuse or may be getting into trouble with the police. Do not panic, but try to talk to your child in a calm supportive way.

Home sweet home?

If they are spending a lot of time out of the house and does not want to be at home with family you need to look at the reasons why. Are there fights at home? Are there money or personal problems? Do family members have trouble talking to each other calmly and sensibly? Are you worried about your teenager’s friends or where they might be hanging out? Have you set fair rules that will make everyone’s life easier?

What could happen?

If your child doesn’t come home when you ask them to and often stays out later, or at times doesn’t come home at all and says they have been ‘staying with mates’ do not panic. Try to understand why they are acting this way. It may be because they do not feel they are getting the family support they need or there is mental, physical or sexual abuse. If they are out all hours and don’t want to tell you where they’ve been it is possible that they could be mixing with people involved in drugs, alcohol, anti-social behaviour or crime. They are also more likely to be missing school. You must tell the police if your child goes missing.

• Know where your teenager is • Give family support - your child is at risk • Physical and sexual abuse can make young people run away • Get help for your family

Running away Running away is a call for help from young people. Most run away because of arguments or violence at home, because of pregnancy, or physical and sexual abuse. The charity, ChildLine says 37% of boys and 63% of girls who call them about running away or being homeless also talked about being physically or sexually abused. If your child has run away and you want to find them, contact the police or local help organisation.

Staying out late, not telling you where they’ve been, not coming home at night and not going to school are all signs that your teenager could be getting into trouble.

Setting ground rules such as what time to be in by will let your child know what is expected of them. Your child may have reasons for not wanting to be at home, such as family problems or physical or sexual abuse. Let your child know you are there for them if they want to talk about problems.

If your teenager doesn’t want to be at home and can’t talk to you about what’s going on in their life, you need to get communication started again.

Choose a time when you can sit quietly together, talk about any issues and how you can re-build your relationship.

Talking is the key to a good relationship. If your teenager knows they can talk to you about any problems, they can often be dealt with before it gets too late. It is up to you to keep your child safe, so if you have a good relationship they are more likely to tell you where they are going and what they are doing.

• ChildLine 0800 1111 www.childline.org.uk • Shelterline National Helpline 0808 800 4444 www.housemate.org.uk • Missing Persons Helpline 0500 700 700 www.missingpeople.org.uk • Missing From Care Service 020 8392 4527

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Helpful local numbers Family Information Service 01792 517222 Parenting Support Early Years Development Team 01792 612155 Barnardo’s Children Matter Family Support Project www.barnardos.org.uk/swanseachildrenmatter 01792 797289 NCH - Swansea Young Families (support for parents aged 16 to 25 years old) 01792 294006 Family Centres Mayhill Family Centre 01792 468584 Bonymaen Family Centre 01792 700821 Penplas Family Centre 01792 588487 Morriston Family Centre 01792 543628 Swansea Integrated Children’s Centre 01792 572060 Information, advice and support for 11 to 25 year olds Info-Nation www.info-nation.org.uk 01792 484010

General Victim support Swansea www.victimsupport.org.uk Domestic Violence Helpline Swansea 0808 80 10 800 Women’s aid Swansea 01792 644683 www.womensaid.org.uk Black Association of Women Step Out Ltd (BAWSO) (a specialist service for BME women and children made homeless due to domestic violence) 01792 642003 www.bawso.org.uk Community Legal Services (information on local legal and advice services) 0845 3454345 www.clsdirect.org.uk Families and Friends of Prisoners Services 01792 458645 Cruse Bereavement Care Swansea 01792 462845 www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk Citizens Advice Bureau 08444 77 20 20 www.swanseacab.org.uk Dial (information and support for disabled people and their carers) 01792 455565 www.dialuk.info Minority Ethnic Women's Network (MEWN) 01792 467222 www.mewnswansea.org.uk Samaritans (confidential, emotional support) National helpline 08457 90 90 90 Local helpline 01792 655999 www.samaritans.org Special Needs Advisory Project (SNAP) 01792 457305 Social Service (information) 01792 635700 Housing Options 01792 533100 Benefits Child Benefit 0845 302 1444 Tax Credits 0845 300 3900 Disability Living Allowance 08457 123456 New claims 08000 556688 Helpline for existing claims 08456 003016 Social fund Swansea 08456 060208 More numbers of agencies who can offer advice and support can be found on the City and County of Swansea Web page: www.swansea.gov.uk/index.cfm?articleid=1317

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Substance Misuse Swansea Drugs Project 01792 472002 www.swanseadrugsproject.org.uk West Glamorgan Council on Alcohol and Drug Abuse (WGCADA) 01792 646421 www.wgcada.org