Future Insured byCFGP

under the alias "Campaigner" aka C. F. G.

(with apologies to Sustainer, and to Peter Simple of the Daily Telegraph)

L/Cpl. Ferret ofthe Royal Insurance Corps (R.I.C.) adjusted the air-conditioning in his enormous office and threw himselfback into his chair with a look of contentment on his face. Opposite him stared back the approving grimace ofhis Great Uncle General Sir Frank Nidgetofthe Royal Army Tailoring Corps, encapsulated (orwas it emasculated?) in oils. This is, of course, the year 2010, and Uncle Frank has long since died, buried in a Royal Logistic Corps mass grave in Bicester. Single-handedly, he reflected, he had brought almost all training to a halt. True enough, in the early days, there had been a few staff officers who had quashed his recommendations, but they soon learned to put up their ( R.I.C. Logo) umbrellas and give in like the rest, following the odd adverse article in the "Mail". He had made the key discovery very early in his career, that no-one any longer dared upturn the recommendations of a L/Cpl. who had done a course, no matter what they cost in money or loss of training. Officers, he discovered, had lost any sense ofbalance, and were no longer capable ofineasuring a one-in-a-million risk against an annual cost of £ 10 million, orthe abandonment oftraining. The Regular Army were now no longer allowed even near a puddle without Royal Navy supervision, Adventure Training was now restricted to the S.A. S., the TA to pipe ranges and cadets to safe classrooms watching videos ofpast victories -(safe that is until Ferret had finished his report on Repetitive Strain Injury caused by videos). Ferret flicked his cigar ash over the head ofa General who had popped in to empty his litter bin, and resumed work on an instruction to ensure that use of assault courses should now be restricted to troops who had had a medical by an orthopaedic consultant within ten minutes of starting, that the course had been inspected by the Royal Engineers within the hour andthe supervising officer had passed a course within the last three weeks on TV's "Gladiators", no military unit being allowed to use such dangerous equipment. Of course, even cadets were, in theory, al lowed to fire weapons, but rules about use of military vehicles with military escorts, separate transport (with escort), for ammunition, and for cadets, abounded. This, combined with the fact that Ferret had cleverly placed the last Training Material Park in Inverness and arranged sponsor units at least one hundred miles away from Cadet Units, there was no real danger. Most of the ranges had in any case been closed for safety repairs and the TAVRAs could only fund only one cadet armoury per county because, with Ferret's specifications, they cost £2m each. Any unit he noticed training too much got a quick vi sit from the kitchen inspector who would close the kitchen and order a £75,000 refurbishment, or Ferret would get their FMT 600s and Matrix Tests checked to put halftheir drivers offthe road. Failing that, a visit to deep-clean their indoor-range, timed to coincide with visits from the Race Relations Board andthe Establishments Committee would soon have them on their knees. "Why should they grumble?" thought Ferret, "Recruiting is up". Young men and women were flooding into the Army to escape the risks of civilian life. Admittedly, his first attempt to sort out the Air Cadets was a bit amateur, reducing the Air Experience Flights and introducing parachutes that could only be worn by cadets weighing over seventeen stone, but he had since explained that air was as dangerous as water, and cadets were restricted to TerraFirma, watching films like TheDambusters to show them the dangers faced in an unenlightened age. He had been on better form with the Royal Artillery, whose weapons he had banned in the interests of ear protection (what? EAR PROTECTION! Oh!), and who now had to say BANG loudly, but not within 300m ofan inhabited dwelling. Perhaps his greatest coup was simultaneously banning most activity and all weaponry within five hundred metres ofprivate land and reducing the training areas so that none was more than one thousand metres across. Lt. Col. Iron-Sinew ofthe Royal Marines had put up the stoutest resistance, but Ferret had hit him with a fuel economy committee, a cash check, a sexequality check, a food-handlers certificate check and a safety inspection of electrical equipments. When that did not work, a security inspection, closure of all ranges on weekends, a check to see if respirators were being inspected monthly and a

Children Act inspection followed (re Marine Cadets). The coup-de-grace had been to ask Col. Sinew why less than 42.2% ofhis cooks were ratinfestation trained. It was the decimal point that got him in the end, as Ferret left him in an apoplectic death-throe. Ferret was skinny, wheezy and knock-kneed, but before he joined the Army it had become an equalopportunity employer and had been unable to turn him down. However, he was permanently 'scused Battle Fitness Tests, even though it was now run in trainers and reduced to 600 metres in twenty minutes. The Cheif of General Staffhad been quite nice about it when Ferret had spoken to her. Luckily for him the politicians had forgotten that it was the forces job to defend the country, not to reflect it. Fear of the tabloids was now the sole remaining emotion left in the M.O.D., and Ferret could whistle up a journalist with a taste for drama whenever he wanted to exert some pressure. "Never let the facts spoil an interesting story" was the watchword of his chief contact. Another project he was working on was the expansion of the R.I.C. It was already "purple" with authority in all three services, but Ferret had visions ofa sma1145 Battalion orbat, and he had roughed out their internal orbats presented below. Actually the Infantry Battalions were beginning to look a bit like this anyway and a change of name might soon be all that was needed. Rifle companies were, aiterall, a dangerous and expensive encumbrance. Ferret had been offered promotion, of course, but preferred to stay where he could see the fruits ofhis efforts. "Afterall," he thought, `job satisfaction was what counted", as an Admiral bringing in his coffee coughed deferentially at his elbow. A friend of his from the Parachute Regiment had been to visit him yesterday, proudly sporting his `Wings', following ten successful exits from a `plane down the inflatable escape `chute at Lyneham (parachuting having long ago been banned). "But what do you get out of it", said his friend, "all on L/Cpl.'s pay?" "Power", said Ferret, stroking a angora cat, with a nasty gleam in his eye (his and the cat's). REAL POWER!! Do you know anyone more powerful than 1?" "No", agreed his friend glumly, "I don't".

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