4 minute read
Anthony Kilner – Elephant in the Room
Reflections When to Speak Up?
By Jane Offer
What a fascinating saying, ‘the elephant in the room’, describing our resistance to acknowledging the ‘big issue’, choosing rather to focus on the minutiae of life. It conjures up the vison of this huge beast peeping out from behind an insubstantial curtain or standing in the middle of the room covered by a lace doily with a vase of flowers balanced on his head, hiding in plain sight. I have an odd mind, you understand!
So, how did this widely understood phrase become embedded into our language? Apparently, in 1814, Ivan Krylov (1769–1844), a poet and fabulist, wrote The Inquisitive Man, a fable of a man visiting a museum, where he notices all the tiny items yet fails to see an elephant. It has become a metaphor for any subject so big and most likely inflammatory, that it is ignored for the sake of peace.
As a child of a very private - one could say secretive – mother, I was instructed from a very early age on what could and could not be mentioned to a visitor, particularly family members. A list of taboo subjects was rolled out and I knew that, should I slip up, I would receive ‘The Look’. I became anxious at these events, waiting for the ‘the balloon to go up’, discord the result, and a rapid retreat by the visitor. It took me many years to overcome the fear of saying the wrong thing. Thankfully age dispels much of that basic training!
As I grew older, I realised that life is not black and white, right or wrong, it depends on the individual’s experiences, creating a massive grey area, the very colour of the elephant.
It is widely recognised that one should not mention politics, religion or sex in general conversation, as these subjects are likely to evoke friction. However, these days spiritual teachings tell us to ‘speak our truth’, as this allows us to stand firm and gives others the opportunity to hear and understand our opinions. This is obviously a powerful way to communicate our needs and values to others, while maintaining openness and grace. However, do people really want to know what we think? Are they ready to hear what we have to say?
My personal opinion is that in most cases, no, they don’t. They are comfortable with their position and have no inclination at this point to have it upset or challenged by the opinions of another.
We each have a developed set of beliefs and ideals, moulded through our background patterning and our experience, both of which create a safe
place – our comfort zone - for us to live out our life without too much mental turmoil The path we walk is made up of what to us are solid paving stones reflecting this safe framework and, when it is challenged, we become uncomfortable at best.
We must remember though that when we speak our truth, it often conflicts with another’s framework and will promote its own resistance. The result is inevitable conflict, as we have seen over the past couple of years within family units and friendships. The elephant in the room now is definitely related to the choices individuals have made over the last few years and the subsequent results of the action taken. And it is still a very sensitive area indeed! There is a fine line between giving an opinion before the event or voicing it after, which smacks of “I told you so,” and no-one wants to hear that. For example, we may be invited to go shopping with a friend to buy a dress for her special occasion valuing our opinion on style, suitability and colour. However, it would be unwise to give an opinion on her choice should she have shopped alone. We would not rudely say “What were you thinking? That looks awful!” if we valued the friendship.
We have now reached a point where it is important to find a way through this quagmire and create a balance that avoids anyone sitting in resentment and anger over another’s opinion, while still feeling able to express our feelings. We know that, irrespective of the fact that it may be totally opposed to our own, it is another’s view on life, at the stage they have reached and is as valid as our own. To oppose their view is a challenge to them, to allow their view to over-ride our own is a challenge to us and to say nothing reinforces the idea of ‘this is right and that is wrong’. Quite the dilemma, so I usually come back with, “What an interesting view.” I find it works well, while keeping me balanced and out of trouble!
Jane Offer is available for counselling, Soul Mastery and life guidance sessions. Please ring for an appointment 0431 168 027. NDIS clients are welcome.
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