21st Century Parenting

21st Century Parenting Investment In theIr Future

By Olivia Sinco

When my 26-year-old was seven, he brought home from school a little activity he’d done during the day. He’d drawn a picture and written “I feel safe when my mum’s in the kitchen cooking dinner.” This was the first time I remember becoming aware of the concept of emotional safety. The key point here being ‘I feel safe’ - he didn’t write ‘I am safe’.

Not long after this, some 20 years ago, I started my first round of training in Education Support. Hours and hours of studying, placement, experience and professional development later, I now start each work day with a very simple task – observing students when they arrive in the morning. What am I looking for? In my mind, the arriving students are divided into two categories. One, those who always arrive feeling safe. And Two, those who sometimes do and sometimes don’t. What I’m looking for is within that second group – who is feeling unsafe today?

“This was the first time I remember becoming aware of the concept of emotional safety.”

Within the education system there is a common misconception that high expectations are what students need most to achieve their personal best. However, this somewhat basic belief only leads me back time and time again to my morning observations, because it’s just one part of a much larger picture. High expectations will indeed work well for Group One, as well as those in Group Two who are feeling safe today because EMOTIONAL WELLBEING PRECEDES SUSTAINABLE ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT – always!

When we feel emotionally safe, we can listen, focus, tap creativity and control ourselves. Yet the longer I work within the Education system, the more I see Group Two becoming the majority group. Staff are spending increasing time, energy and resources preparing students to learn. My role is seeing a child as part of a larger picture, because learning is just one aspect of school life. When children feel unsafe, they have interesting relationships with food and drink and they often struggle to form and keep friendships. They can’t comply with all staff, for example a teacher who is male, a teacher with a loud voice or an aide they don’t know well. They find it hard to maintain their energy levels, stamina is weak for mental tasks and they find it hard to cope with changes in routine.

These things boil down to one thing, feeling powerless and that probably there is something in their home life that is creating this feeling. The top three reasons accounting

for this feeling are: Past trauma, parents going through a separation or the Internet. The first two are easy to address, as we have strategies in place for students experiencing trauma and we are part of a larger team of support for both the student and their family. Similarly, we have strategies to support children who are coping with parents breaking up. The internet including social media, gaming and so on, is however, the biggest culprit and the hardest to address.

When children spend time on tablets, devices, gaming consoles and PCs, it disrupts their sense of reality. There is a feeling of being in control when scrolling socials, flicking from one game to another or shooting virtual things. It generates a false sense of control, of being older than they are, of not needing anyone or anything in order to feel good and do what they want to do. Yet it’s a trap, because this is a fake feeling of connection as opposed to quality time with family. Arrival at school for these students means it’s back to reality and having to accept that in a classroom everyone does what they are told and when. This seems to create a fall, almost like an ‘internet hangover’, and once they realise that

“When children spend time on tablets, devices, gaming consoles and PCs, it disrupts their sense of reality.”

quick path to feeling in control does not exist here, it translates into feeling unsafe.

My ‘internet crew’ are the ones who are most at risk of falling behind in their education, because the online hangover isn’t something they understand or have the power to control or change. This rests very firmly in the hands of parents.

“Seeking out and maintaining emotional safety in our children is an investment in the success of their future lives.”

Feeling unsafe isn’t something that is specific to one particular section of our school community. Ethnicity, background and socio-economic status aside, there is a healthy balance of diversity in our Group Two students needing support. This can come as relief for parents, because it is a concise formula to work toward, making consistent effort in our homes and families. How much we earn, where we come from, what kind of sneakers our kids wear, none of it matters. Seeking out and maintaining emotional safety in our children is an investment in the success of their future lives.

Olivia Sinco is an Education Support Worker, Facilitator of the 21st Century Parenting Program and artist.

Image Credit: Pixabay