Abigail Kaban

Emily Tromblee

Northern New Yorker

A Conversation with my Inner Monologue Abigail Kaban

What’s the difference between lying and pretending? I feel bad for lying to people – telling them I’m fine when in reality, I just wish someone would drag me out of the hole I have dug myself into over the years. I’m pretending – pretending to be okay so that those I care about aren’t bothered with the chaotic string of thoughts that haunt my every waking hour. Am I lying or pretending?

“I’m okay” “I’m fine” “I’ll do it later” “I just need time” “I’m completely fine” “I just need to catch my breath.” “I’m just getting things organized” “*Insert self-deprecating joke here*” “You don’t need to worry about me. I’m fine, really.”

I walk into my room, wade through the maze of clothes, and climb onto my bed. I feel like the queen of my own chaotic subjects, perched upon my makeshift throne. Clothes of all designs and colors lie at my feet. Anxiety overwhelms me as I look upon my self-destructive masterpiece. Welcome to the chaos of my fucking brain, a place in which in order to distract myself from my depression, I must enact my anxiety.

Do I function… hell no. Do I want to? Most of the time. Sometimes I would rather lie in bed, scrolling mindlessly through Tik Toks that tell me I’m enough and deserve to be loved. Yeah sure, that’s easy to say about a person that you don’t fucking know. If they knew me, I doubt they’d care. Yeah, it sounds dark, but who really gives a fuck.

Brain function. Brain work. Stop being such a dumbass, Abbie.

Cruel, but semi-effective motivators that I tell myself to get out of bed in the morning. I wish there was some magical cure for the absolute inner chaos that fucks up my everyday life. I want to be normal. I want to learn. I want to be able to be successful. But I can’t. I sit on my bed. Stare at the mess of a room. My bookbag. Everything I need to do. And I just…can’t.

Why? Why? WHY? Just Fucking Do It! Everybody else does! You’re not the only one who struggles. Stop having a pity party and get off your ass. Just do SOMETHING!

The inner monologue plays on repeat in my brain, as I fight to just move a finger or blink…do anything. And ultimately my conscience loses, and I lie down, close my eyes, and fall asleep.

I wake up to chaos. Attempt to find a decent outfit that will hide the mess of my life. Sure, that’ll work. It’s not like your personality alone reveals your instability. No one will know. Put on a smile. Keep your head low. Don’t let anyone know. Dark and muted clothing are my go-to. Should we mix it up today? Maybe a peachy color? No?

Okay.

I don’t want to be this person. The person who can barely get out of bed and get dressed. The person who can’t fucking function. Who can’t do her homework. Who can’t be a successful member of society. I want to be normal… more than anyone will truly understand. I’m begging, please. Just do something…

Sure, I have positive qualities - who knows if they’re real or a just selfish creation for my need to be validated. Am I actually a good person? Am I pretending? Do I actually care about people? Am I lying? If your therapist even knew you were asking this, she would be so disappointed. You should really set up an appointment.

What do people think of me when they see me? Am I unapproachable? I try to be nice. I really do. I hope people know that. What if I come off mean and I lose the chance to make a good impression? What if I die alone? You’re not going to die alone. I feel really bad when I’m mean. I don’t mean to be mean.

My friends say I apologize more than I should. I don’t think I do. You dropped a fork – you apologized. You fell – you apologized. You sat on the floor – you apologized. You laughed – you apologized. You apologized –YOU APOLOGIZED!

Butterball. Random, I know, but that fluffy ball of chaos and love is the only living thing that will truly understand the extent to which I struggle to exist. I can’t even begin to count the times I’ve cried into the silky-soft, white fur of that majestic creature. I miss her. I might go home just to see her. I hope Butterball knows how much I love her. I hope she’s not mad at me for leaving her. What if she’s lonely? What if she’s sad? She’s fine.

What will it take to be normal? To be functional? I’m never going to be truly okay until I can accept and harmonize my personalities and feelings plaguing my daily life. Hopefully I’ll get there soon. I hope so. Everyone does.

Northern New Yorker

By the River Charles Jarvis II

During my time of self-discovery in 2013, I lived just above a river that was surrounded by trees and brush. I would go down to the river and just listen to the rushing water while the smell of pine and wet earth hit my nostrils. I found all my stress going with the river as I took the time to reflect on how to better myself and what I could do with my life at that point since I was still unsure of what to do. This experience with nature will forever be engrained in my mind. The sound of water, the smell of the earth and trees, the feel of the soft grass while I sat and listened, all of it had become an important factor when it came to me finding myself spiritually, especially the sound of the water. Along with that, I spent some time sitting out in the snow meditating under the moon with of course the sound of the river even though it was behind the house sounded equally as loud as it was during my moments of meditation. The snow even though it was cold and wet was calming and the freezing winter air felt welcoming like a cold hug taking away the stress from the day.

Water and wooded areas have a mysterious hold over me they are most welcoming, and I seem to find myself able to let myself unwind more when I sit and listen to the breeze rustle the leaves around me. I still remember the birds singing, seeing deer across the river, and feeling the soft grass as I sat next to a tree to either meditate or read. It’s because of this experience that I have a fascination with woods, forests, and rivers as well as it is a great go-to place to just forget about the troubles that came to my mind. The bark of the trees was always so rough yet, it felt welcoming. The ants that walked up their trunk were a definite sign that this place was alive. Even though I had to be careful about ticks

I was never really worried I trusted the bushes and plants and always made sure that I was respectful, since this was the only quiet place I had to think and just be to myself. It was perfectly shaded and cool and the smell of the wet mud and grass felt enticing to step barefoot into the rushing water. This area was also a great influence on my imagination. One night I went to the tree line to try and find clovers for some baby rabbits we found. during my search, I swear I heard a low subtle growl and rustling from the bushes which could have just been the wind, and my ears playing tricks on me. Although to me it sounded like a wolf stalking me like I was its prey.

However, this place was one place I planned on doing something which would make it go from peaceful to being seen as a sad place. I planned on giving in to my struggles and going to the river where I’m sure no one would think to find me. Luckily that never happened because I got the help I needed, and I got better. I wouldn’t want people to go to this place knowing such a dark thing took place. I want everyone to go here and experience its beauty and peacefulness just like I did. This experience with nature has had such an impact on my life that it deserves to be seen as a great place. It felt so alive with the insects and animals that made their way through this wonderful place.

This one experience with nature has been such an impact on me, it has expanded my understanding of everything around me and helped me find myself in ways I never thought I would find about myself. It’s thanks to the river that I discovered that just staring at water or listening can open my mind to the possibilities of what I can write. The smell of the wet earth and trees helped me find a way to anchor myself in the now so as not to worry about the past or future. The vibrant greens from the grass and bushes helped me find my center in my life where I can feel at peace in a shaded area of trees. Nature always brings out the spiritual side of me and inspires me in many more ways than I have ever thought of. I am forever grateful for all nature has to offer and I cannot wait to see more of it.