Delilah Roller - What I Learned Between Lines of Poetry

Wha tILe a r ne dBe t we e n Li ne so fPo e t r y AThe s i sb yDe l i l a hRol l e r

TABLEOFCONTENTS AboutMea ndThi sThe s i s Pa r tI Sl e e p Ov e r wr i t t e n No v e mbe r1s t/No v e mbe r6t h Pa r tI I Li s t e n.

Ve t e r a ns Ha l f Ma s t IAm NotYourApol og y Ar eWeGr e a tYe t ?

Re dWhi t ea ndBl ue Pa r tI I I Odet oSF Ci t yofLo v e F a l l i ngi nLo v eorF a l l i ngApa r t De l i l a h Le t t e r s 11Pi e c e sofUnwa r r a nt e dAdv i c ef orTa k i ngt heBus

1 2 3 5 7 9 11 13 14 16 18 20 23 24 25 27 28 29 30

ABOUTME De l i l a hRol l e ri sapoe t ,a r t i s t ,a ndas e ni ori nt heSpok e nAr t sde pa r t me nt a tRut hAs a waSc hooloft heAr t s .Shel i v e si nSa nF r a nc i s c o ,Ca l i f or ni a , a ndhope st og e the rde g r e ei ne duc a t i onwhi l ec ont i nui ngt owr i t ea nd pe r f or m.Shes t a r t e dwr i t i ngpoe t r ya ta g et e na ndha ss i nc epe r f or me di n f our t e e ns ho wsa ndbe e npubl i s he de i g htt i me s ,mos tr e c e nt l yi nt he2026 Sa nF r a nc i s c oYout hPoe tLa ur e a t eAnt hol og y ,ICa nF e e lY o uAc r o s st h eS e a s .

De l i l a hwr i t e smos t l yf r e e f or ma nds l a m poe t r ya boutt hepe opl ea nd e v e nt sa r oundhe r ,buthe rs t y l ev a r i e s .He rbi g g e s ti ns pi r a t i onsa r ehe r s ur r oundi ng s -f r om c l a s s ma t e s ,t ohe rmot he r ,t ot hec i t yofSa nF r a nc i s c o .

De l i l a h’ spoe t r yha sa l wa y sbe e nf orhe r s e l f , buts hel o v e ss ha r i ngi twi t ht he wor l d.

ABOUTTHI STHESI S

Iwa ntt he s epoe mst os ho waj our ne yt hr oug hmype r s ona l e x pe r i e nc e s , t he pol i t i c a la nda c t i v i s tv i e wst ha tc a meoutoft he m,a ndt hea c c e pt a nc ea nd de v e l opme nta sape r s ont ha tha sc omet omet hr oug houthi g hs c hool .

Thi s t he s i swi l lbeapoe t i cr e ndi t i onofho wIha v ec ha ng e do v e rt hepa s tf our y e a r s , a sa na r t i s ta ndpe r s on.

Whe nc ur a t i ngt hi swor k , If oc us e donpoe ms t ha tde mons t r a t e dmype r s ona l ,s oc i e t a l ,a ndpol i t i c a le x pe r i e nc e s ,a ndt he wa y st hos eha v ei nt e r a c t e dt oi nflue nc emyg r o wt h,a c c e pt a nc e ,a ndj o y .I ha v eor de r e dt hepoe mst os ho wt hi sj our ne y ,s t a r t i ngwi t hpi e c e sa bout pe r s ona l e v e nt s , t he nmyr e a c t i onst obr oa de re v e nt s , a ndfina l l yho wIha v e c omet oa c c e ptt he s edi f fic ul tt r ut hsa ndl o v emy s e l fa ndt het hi ng sa r ound me .

1

PARTI

Sl e e p “ Wa k eup… pl e a s e . ” mymot he rs a y st ome notunde r s t a ndi ngt ha tIa m pa r a l y z e dwi t honl ymys ur v i v a l i ns t i nc t s c l a wi ngus e l e s s l ya tmye v e nmor eus e l e s sbr a i n.

Tot hi sda y Is t r ug g l et or e me mbe rwha ti tf e l tl i k e t r a ppe di nt ha tbe d.

Notbe c a us eofabr a i ni nj ur y butbe c a us emyo wnhe a d,whi c hdi dt hi st ome , ha sl oc k e da wa yt hos eme mor i e s .

Ir e me mbe rt hes l a t sont hebot t om oft hebunkbe d s t a r i nga tt he m wi t hg l a z e de y e s hopi ngt he ywoul dhe l pme wi s hi ngf orbr e a t h ne e di ngt obr e a t he .

Doy oue v e rhe a rpe opl et a l ka boutbe i ngt r a ppe dbe ne a t hi c e ?

Myo wnbodydi dt ha tt ome .

Look i ngt hr oug hf og g yg l a s st oawor l dy ou’ r enots ur ey ouwi l l e v e r s e e , br e a t hr unni ngout , “ br e a t he ,br e a t he ” c ha nt i ngi ny ourhe a dl i k es ome s i c kme l ody .

Se l f de s t r uc tbut t onsa r eus ua l l ye x t e r na l “ pul l t hepl ug ” ,“ e ndt hes uf f e r i ng ” ? myo wnfle s ha ndbone swor k e da g a i ns tme t hebi l l swe r et oohi g h s ot he ye x t uba t e dabr e a t hl e s sbody .

The r ei snot hi ngmor ehumi l i a t i ng t he nl oos i ngc ont r ol ofy ourfig ur e

3

4

Ov e r wr i t t e n I ’ mo v e r wr i t t e n,o v e r e x pl a i ne d e v e r y body ’ she a r dmys t or ybutonl yt hepa g eha ss e e nc ha ng e a si fIha v efif t ye di t or sni t pi c k i ngmybr a i n fif t ymor eonmybody ,one hundr e dr e a s onst obea s ha me d mypoe t r yha sbe c omemyr e f r a i n; t hos el a s tnot e se v e r y onet r i e st og e toutoft he i rhe a d t hel a s tl i ne se v e r yt i meIt r yt oe x pl a i n t hi swor l ds t oppe dc a r i nga boutmeni ne t y ni ner e a s onsa g o .

Iha v eo v e r wr i t t e nmy s e l f Iha v enot hi ngt owr i t e notIha v enot hi ngt os a y . r e a l l y ,Iwa ntt os c r i bbl e butmype ndoe s n’ tha v ee noug hi nkl e f tt owr i t ea l l 100r e a s ons s owhybot he rwi t honet hr oug ht we nt y fiv e ?

Ia m notone qua r t e rofmy s e l f butIt hi nkwi t hone qua r t e rofmybr a i n.

One qua r t e rt ha tha sbe c omenumb wi t ht hi sme c ha ni c a l l i f e e v e r ybonei nmybodyur g e smet os uc c umb t ot hec l oc k wor kofni ne t y ni ne ,one hundr e d,one hundr e done .

I t ’ sl i k e ;Is houl dn’ tha v et obr e a kt hema c hi net ofixt heme c ha ni s m butwhe ni sa ny t hi nge v e rg oi ngt oc ha ng e ?

Whe ni smyl i f eg oi ngt obev a l ue do v e rmybody ?

Whe ni si tg oi ngt obea c c e pt a bl et os a ys a v eme ,nott heba b y ?

Whe na m Inotg oi ngt oha v et owor r ya boutmyb a s i ch u ma nr i g h t son t heda i l y ?

Ma y bet he nIwoul dn’ tha v et ot e a rmy s e l fi nt obi t e s i z e dpi e c e s di g e s t i bl ee noug hf orhung r ymout hswhol i k es e e i ngmebr ok e ni nt o r e a s ons whol i k ehe a r i ngt hec l oc kt i c kwi t hmywe a k ne s s i t ’ spa s ti nt e r na l i z e d,i t ’ si nt r a v e nous

5

nol ong e rmybl oodi nmybody –n o t myb o d y –s ha r e dbe t we e nus g odf or bi dIf e e l a nys or tofi nc ompl e t e ne s s f r om myt or nupbody mybr ok e nr e a s ons ory ourunwi l l i ng ne s st ohe a rmes pe a kt he m.

6

No v e mbe r1s t/No v e mbe r6t h Mymot he rwr i t e sa bouta ne x pe r i e nc et ha tIdon’ tr e me mbe r s hewr i t e soft a k i ngmewi t hhe rt ot heOBGYN whe r es hewa ss c he dul e df ora nul t r a s ound a ndma mmog r a mt hene x tda y .

Idon’ tr e me mbe rt hi s ,Ig ue s sbe c a us ei ts e e me ds omunda net ome Ig ue s sbe c a us e5t hg r a demedi dnotc onne c tt hedot s whe naf e wwe e k sl a t e r , mypa r e nt spi c k e dmeupf r om s c hool ,boug htmeaj ui c e , s a tmedo wnont hec ur bi na na l l e y ,a ndt ol dmet hene ws .

Shewr i t e sofa t t e mpt i ngt oe x pl a i nt ohe rf e i s t y10y e a r ol dda ug ht e r t ha tama nf a c i ngr a pea l l e g a t i onswa si nc ha r g eofde c i s i onsa bout wome n’ sbodi l ya ut onomy .

Shewr i t e sofope nf r ontg o wnsa ndnotbe i ngl ook e di nt hee y e , Iwonde ri fs heunde r s t a ndsIdonotr e me mbe rt he s et hi ng s – bi t sa ndpi e c e sofme mor i e sIne v e rqui t eputt og e t he r .

Shewr i t e sofpr e s e nc ei nhe rbody Iwr i t eofde t a c hme nt t hea ppl edoe snotf a l l s of a rf r om t het r e e( orb o d i ,t r unk ) whe nwedonotk no who wt oe x i s tpr ope r l y .

Il e a r nf r om mymot he r a ss hewr i t e sofho ws hel e a r nsf r om me .

Mymot he rc a l l sme onada yIa ms ur eIwi l l r e me mbe rf or e v e r s hes a y st omeal i net ha tne a r l ybr e a k sme : Ij u s t wa n t e du st oh a v eap r e s i d e n t wh ol o o k e dal i t t l el i k eu s .

Ho wa r ewes uppos e dt ol e a r nho wt oe x i s tpr ope r l y , ho wi ss hes uppos e dt ot e a c hhe rda ug ht e ra boutde moc r a c y , i fwea r enots ur et ha tf r e e dom wi l l c ont i nuet ome a nwha tf r e e dom me a ns .

7

PARTI I

Li s t e n.

Ia me i g ht ,s i t t i nga tmypi a no ,a ndIme s supac hor d.

It e l l myNa na ,whoi swa t c hi ngmepl a y , Wa i t !

Shet e l l sme , De l i l a h , I ’ mn o t g o i n ga n y wh e r e .

Buto v e ra ndo v e ra ndo v e r a g a i na nda g a i na nda g a i n, t ot hi sda y ,Is a y ; Wa i t !

Wa i t wa i t wa i t .

I fy o us t a y , I ’ l l b ei n t e r e s t i n g I fy o us t a y , Ip r o mi s eI ’ l l h a v es o me t h i n gt os a y .

Iha v es ome t hi ngt os a y .

Buta sIope nmymout h, mybodybr e a k s .

Mybody mybodyi sbr ok e n i nt hee y e soft hebe hol de r .

Ia m nott hebe hol de r Ia m he l d.

Bymywor ds ,b ymys e l f ,b ymy s e l f .

Myi nt ona t i oni smya udi bl epr oc l a ma t i on ofmys e l f i nduc e ds ur v i v a l i nawor l dt ha twa nt smet obr e a k whe nIope nmymout h.

Awor l dt ha ts ha me smyg e ne r a t i ona l s l a ng y e tne v e ra l l o wsmet o hol ds i l e nc e … wi t houts na t c hi ngi ta wa y , a nds oIs pe a k .

Ov e ra ndo v e ra ndo v e r a g a i na nda g a i na nda g a i n

11

Ia s ki ft he yk no w,y o uk n o w?

Ar he t or i c a l que s t i on t ha ta l l o wsmet het i me t opi e c et og e t he rmyne x tt houg ht s ot ha tma y be , ma y b e , t he ywon' tt e a rmywor dsa wa y , pul l t hebr e a t hf r om mymout h, c a l l meaf r a ud,une duc a t e d,i mma t ur e , be c a us eoft hes oundsa ndt hephr a s e s puti nt omymout hb yt h e i rha nds t ha tt he ya r ema dIha v er e c l a i me d.

Ta ug ht t r a i ne d i nmyl ung s ,myt hr oa t ,myl i ps t ohol dme a ni ng ,t ohol dwe i g ht -( wa i t ) The ya r ema dt ha tIc a n, y o uk n o w,

hol ds i l e nc e i nt hepa l m ofmyha nd s ha pet hi sr oom f ormywor ds , t e a rt hebr e a t hf r om y ourl ung sbe c a us e I ,l i k e ,wa ntt o .

Sowhe nmyNa nas a i d I ’ mn o t g o i n ga n y wh e r e .

Sheme a nt ; Ic a nc a pt ur ea t t e nt i onwi t ht he br e a t hont hee dg eofmyl i ps .

Ic a n hol ds i l e nc e i nt hepa l m ofmyha nd.

Ic a nma k e ,pe opl e ,

l i s t e n.

12

Ve t e r a ns Ir e a da boutt hev e t e r a ns whodonott e l l t he i rwa rs t or i e s , whodonotwa ntt obec a l l e dHe r o , f orf e a ri tdoe snota g r e ewi t hwha tt he y ’ v edone .

It hi nka boutt hebo y s s e ntt ofig htwa r sme ns t a r t e d, t hec hi l dr e nl y i ngi nf o x hol e swr i t i ngpoe t r y .

It hi nka boutt hek i dsg oi nghung r y o v e rapol i t i c a l dog fig ht abi l l i ona i r et s una mi Idon’ tt hi nkt hi si swha t“ t r i c k l e do wn”me a ns .

The s es hi v e r i ngk i dsne e dmor et ha nabl a nk e tofa ng e r t he yne e dba s i chuma nde c e nc y , buta l l t he yhe a ra r ebul l e t s ,r i ng i ngl i k ebe t r a y a l .

Myg r a ndf a t he rr e f us e st oe nl i s t ; s t i l l e ndsuphol di ngag uni nhi so wnc ount r y .

Hei st heonewhot e a c he smeho wt oa i m,t os hoot .

The s ec i v i l i a nsa r efig ht i nga ni nt e r na l wa r o v e rpa c i fis mt he ywe r ei ndoc t r i na t e dt obe l i e v ewa st e r r or i s m.

Ra i s i ngt heba r r e l t opr ot e c touruni t e dbody , wi t houtr e a l i z i ngt hebul l e ti sa na l l Ame r i c a npa r a s i t e .

Ia ma s k e dt owr i t eha pp ypoe t r y buti fflo we r sc a nnotg r o wwhe r ebombsa r ebe i ngdr oppe d Ic a nnotwr i t eflo we r ypoe t r y .

Thebe s tIc a ndoi swr i t ea boutt her os e sont hede a dbo y ' sg r a v e t hede a t hda i s i e snour i s he db yabodyt ha tc a mehomei npi e c e s .

13

Ha l f Ma s t Iwa l kt ot hebuss t op hummi nga l ongt os ong sofs i ng e r sl ongg one hi tr e pl a ywhe ni tr e a l l yr e s ona t e s t r ynott ot hi nka boutwhyIa l wa y ss i tont heout s i des e a t whyIr e f us et obet r a ppe dbe t we e nme t a l a ndbodyhe a t .

AsIl ookoutt hes t e e l r i mme dwi ndo ws Idonotda y dr e a m.

Thes l e e pi sdr a wnoutofmeb yni g ht ma r e st ha ta r er e a l l yme mor i e s i ti sne v e rt heboog i e ma nha unt i ngme .

I ti sonl ye v e rama n.

Ia ms l e e pde pr i v e da ndwor r i e d.c ons t a nt l y .

Buti fy ous e emeont ha tbus ,donotque s t i onmyur g e nc y be c a us eIs pe ntt heni g htl os i ngmyr i g ht s whi l ey oul a i dt he r es l e e pi ngpe a c e f ul l y .

Youi nhe r i t e dpr i v i l e g e ,don’ tmi s t a k et ha tf ors upe r i or i t y .

Youl i s t e nt ot hes a memus i cIdo , buti fy oudonotbe g i nt ounde r s t a nds oon whyweflyt he s efla g sups i dedo wn t he y ’ l l fly i ngha l fma s t f ort hebe s tmus i c i a nswhoa l l di e db yt he i ro wnha nd whot ol dt hes t or i e swebur yi ns a nd whode pl o y e df ort hemi s s i onswe ’ r et ooa f r a i dt oma n.

I fy ous e emeont ha tbus ,donotwonde rwhyIs t r ok et hec ool s i l v e r Iwa ntt of e e l t hes a mee c s t a s yofs t e e l a nds i ny oudo butt heme l odi cbuz z i ngi nmye a r sr e mi ndsmet hepr oofofmya g ony i se t c he di nt oe v e r ya t om ofmyr e a l i t y a nda sIdi s pl a ymy s e l fbe f or ey ou Ihopei ti se noug hf ory out ofina l l yr e a dme .

I fy ous e emeont ha tbus ,s i ng i nga l ong ,donotl ooka tmel i k et ha t donotma k emewonde r“ a r ey ouc r a z yora mI ? ” Iha v es e t t l e dmy s e l fi nt oy ourc ha osa sbe s tIc oul d

14

donotha v et hea uda c i t yt oe x pe c tmys i l e nc e .

Iha v er e a c he dmyma x i mum c a pa c i t y a ndIr e f us et of or g e tt hes oundofmyo wnv oi c e .

15

IAm NotYourApol og y Ia m noty oura pol og y .

Nota not he ra ppa r a t usf ory ourbul l s hi t – e v e r y one ’ st he r et ot e l l y ouy ou’ r enott hepr obl e m– who’ st he r et ot e l l y ouy oua r e ?

Who’ st he r et ot e l l y oui t ’ sy ourr e s pons i bi l i t y t oe ns ur ey oudon’ tl i v ea nddi ebl i nd?

Toe ns ur ey oul i v ea nddi ek i nd?

Behone s t –whe ny ous a wmewa l kupont ot hi ss t a g e wha td i dy ous e e ?

Youwa nts ome t hi ngc l e a n Butt hi s –t hi si snotpr i s t i ne Thi si sme s s y –t hi sbl e e ds .

Thi sbl e e ds“ Ia m nots or r y ” be c a us eIa m noty oura pol og y .

Note v e ns i l e nt l y note v e nal i t t l ebi t . y ouc a nnotc a us ec ha osa nde x pe c ts i l e nc e y ouc a nnotha t ea nde x pe c ta nope nhe a r t notwhe nt oy ouIa m notabodybuti t spa r t s .

Youc a nnote x pe c tmet ol o v ey ouwi t he l e g a nc e whe ny out a r ni s hmye x c e l l e nc e .

Youa ndIc oul dbehuma ni t yt og e t he r butIha v ea c hi e v e di tonmyo wn whi l ey ous i tony oura s so v e rt he r ea ndmoa n wonde r i ngwhyy ouc a n’ tunde r s t a ndmor et ha nwha ty ou’ v eg i v e nf or .

Al l y oug a v ewe r eha l f s or r y s , mount a i nsofnot hi ng ne s s ,br i dg e st ono whe r e , r e a c t i o ni snott hes a mea sa c t i o n .

Ia m noty oura pol og y .

Youl o v es t r ongopi ni ons unt i l t he y ’ r enott hes a mea sy our s .

16

Youhol da l l t hec hi ps butI ’ m nots ur eI ’ dbewi l l i ngt og a mbl eony ourhuma ni t y .

Soy oua ndy ourTwi t t e rfing e r sc a nc a l l mebi t t e r buti t ’ sy ourwor dsl e a v i ngt ha ts ourt a s t e a ndI ’ dr a t he rbes i l e nc e dt ha ns i l e nt .

17

Ar eWeGr e a tYe t ?

It r yt obe l i e v ei nc ommuni t y butIdonotwa ntt oc l a i mr e s pons i bi l i t yf ort he i ra c t i ons Idonotwa nta l l t he i rs i nt of a l l onme .

Is a yt hewor ds“ l o v et hyne i g hbor ” ,hopi ngIc a ns pe a ki ti nt obe l i e f butIfindi tdi f fic ul tt ol o v e“ pe a c e ”of fic e r sa r r e s t i ngc hi l dr e n f ort hec r i meofdr e a mi ng .

The ypr e a c ht hes a mewor dswr i t t e ni nmyc hi l dr e n’ sbi bl e butIbe l i e v et ha tt he ywoul dha v es hotJ e s usi nt heba c k10t i me s a ndc a l l e dhi m at e r r or i s t Ibe l i e v et he ywoul dha v eputabul l e ti nMa r y ’ she a d a ss hewa sdr i v i nga wa y .

Iwa t c hc hi l dr e nbl o wna pa r tb ybombs , wa t c ht he i rmot he r sc r y .

Iwa t c hme nfig htl a wst ha tba nc hi l dma r r i a g e , a ndwi nf a s t e rt ha na nypr ot e s tI ’ v ee v e rs e e n.

Iwa ntt he mt ok no wt ha twhe nIs pok eofa ut onomy , Idi dnotr e f e rt ot hewe l l pol i s he d“ body ”oft he i rg un.

Whe nIs pok eofpr oc e dur e , Idi dnotr e f e rt ot hede ni a l ofme di c a l l yne c e s s a r yone s .

Whe nIs pok eoff ol l o wi ngt hel a w, Idi dnots pe a kofr e wr i t i ngi t – donotfli pmywor dsa g a i ns tme .

Iwa t c hpe opl ebe gs t r a ng e r sf orj us te noug ht oe a t onc ee v e r yot he rda y Iwa t c hag o v e r nme ntma i nt a i n‘ e v e r y onemus twor kf ort he i rf a i r s ha r e ’ whi l epa y i ngc ong r e s s me nt og oonne v e r e ndi ngl e a v e , Iwa t c hpe opl epl e a dg oda g a i nf ordi g ni t y .

Iwa t c hmyc ount r ye na bl ewa r – s wi t c hs i de sonl yf orpr ofit .

18

Iwa t c hpe opl eIpr a y e dha dmor a l c a l i be r s t r ug g l et oc a l l t hede v i l b yna me .

Iwa t c ht hos ea r oundmer e a l i z et ha thi s t or yi sr e pe a t i ngi t s e l f : t hi si snott hefir s tt i mepe opl eha v eha dt oc a r r ypa pe r s nott hefir s tl a wbe ndi ngt oma k er oom f ore ug e ni c s nott hefir s tt i met ha te v e nwhi t epr i v i l e g ec oul dber e v ok e d whe npl a c e dbe t we e nabul l e ta ndabr o wnbody .

Whi t er a pi s t sdonotg e ts hot , butwhi t edoc t or she l pi ngbr o wnpe opl edo .

Iwa t c hpe opl eg r i e v et wowhi t ebodi e s mor et ha nt hous a ndsofbr o wnone s weha v ec omet oe x pe c tbr o wnbodi e s , pr e di c t ,e v e n.

AndIt r yt obe l i e v ei nc ommuni t y butIdonotwa nta l l ofours i nt of a l l onme .

19

Re dWhi t ea ndBl ue Thi si snoe ul og y t hi si se r r a t i cbe a ut y i ti sac a l l ous e dmout hs e wns hut a g a i ns tr a wi de nt i t y a ndi thur t st obr e a t he t hi si sone t hous a nds hot g unsofme mor y t her e s ul t ?

Thebl ood-t hel a k eofs t or i e s .

Thefla gi ss i l e ntbutIf e e l t hewe toft her e ds t r i pe s Iwe a rt heot he rone s ,t heot he rug l yi nmys k i n l i k es poi l e dmi l ki nc of f e e Is i tunde rt hes unt oc l e a ns emy s e l f bl e a c hmy s e l fbr o wna g a i n butIs e eonl yna v ybl ues k y a ndbr i g htwhi t es t a r s one t hous a ndi de nt i t i e sc a ug hti nt hef a br i c – a na t t e mptt os t r a i nourbl ood.

Ma ma ,I ’ m awoma nno w Ma ma ,i t ’ sha r dt obr e a t he Iwa ntt ounde r s t a ndbut I ’ ma f r a i dI ’ ml i v i nghi s t or y I ’ ma f r a i dI ’ mr e l i v i nghi s t or y I ’ ma f r a i dwhe nmyg r a ndc hi l dr e na s kme , “ Wha tdi dy oudo? ” Onl yapi c t ur ef r a mewi l l l ookba c ka tt he m be c a us emyopt i mi s m wa snote noug ht oc a r r ymet hr oug h.

Butwha tc a nIdobuthope ? i nt hi sda z z l i nga bs e nc eofa na pol og y i nt heda z z l i ngwhi t el i g htof50s t a r s pe r f e c tpi e c e s i ti sonl yt hepuz z l et ha tdoe snotfit i ti sonl yt ha twedonotfit .

20

Ik no wt ha tIa m he l dba c kf r om he a v e n Ia l s ok no wt ha the a v e nf r om t hi swor l dc a nonl ybes odi v i ne a ndIwi l l nots e t t l ef ora ny t hi ngl e s st ha nmyo wndi v i ni t y .

Ia mt hea nt i dot et ot hi sung odl ys i n bl i ndi ngwhi t e bl oodyr e d l i g ht l e s sna v ybl ue .

Iwi l l popt hes t i t c he s .

Iwi l l s hoott heg un.

Ma ma ,Ia mhi s t or y .

21

PARTI I I

It a k et heTMunit ot heChi na t ownNi g htMa r k e tf r om 2 0 2 4BARTs t a t i onne we di t i on fluor e s c e ntLEDs ,t os os pa r k l i ngi nc a nde s c e ntf a i r yl i g ht ss t r unga c r os sGr a ntAv e nue .

Bot ha r ey ourg l i t t e r yr e fle c t i oni nmye y e s .

Y oua r emyBe a c hBl a nk e t ,myBa by l on,t he r e c i pi e ntofa l lmyl ov el e t t e r s ,De a rS a nFr a nc i s c o.Oneda y ,a l mos tade c a dea g o,y ou f oundmei ny oura r ms , a r r a ng e dy ourl ov ei ns uc hawa yt ha tIa mt e t he r e dnow, s t uc kt o s t i c kya s pha l tf r om c ons t a ntc ons t r uc t i on, t i e dt or us t r e dbr i dg ec a bl e swor nbyPa c i fic wi nds .Y oug a v emet hr e ei nc he sofr a i nt hi sy e a r ,t hr e ei nc he sofl ov e ,j us te noug ht o dr own.

AsIs t e po t ha tt r a i n, Ifindmy s e l f out s i deof mybody -wa t c hi ngmy s e l f wa l ki ng, l i g ht sr e fle c t i ngi nmye y e s , a ndIc a t c hmy s e l fl i v i ng .

Y oua r ea l l c ons umi ng .

Ev e r yt i me Ihe a ry ourbusmus i c , orba ywa v e s , orbus t l i ng bodi e s , It ur ns of a s ti t ' sl i k et hec onc r e t e s na ps .

I t ’ st r ue –y ouha v ebl i nde dmej us t e noug h-y ourf ogafil t e rov e r g r e y t i nt e dc ha os ,buton t hewa r m da y s ,y ours uns hi ne f e e l s l i k ev e l v e t .Bl i nki ng i na nd out be hi ndc l ouds , l i k et hes un f ol l owsy ourwa v e s ormy he a r t be a t .Y ou a r e mor e pr e c i oust omet ha ne v e r ys t one f oundi nt hes t r e e tna me si n Di a mondHe i g ht s ,mor et wi s t e d up i n my he a r t s t r i ng st ha n Lomba r d,mor ee mbe dde di nt o myl i f et ha ny ourown br i c k c i s t e r ns .Y oua r ei nt hec l ot he sI we a r , t hewa yIs t y l emyha i r , t he wor dsIs pe a k.

Y oua r ei nt hewa y s Iwa l k, t hewa y sIt a l k, mya bi l i t y t oc l i mbpe a ks .Y oua r emyBe a c h Bl a nk e t , my Ba by l on, t he r e c i pi e ntofa l l myl ov el e t t e r s , De a rS a nFr a nc i s c o.

Doy oul ov et he m? t hepe opl ewhol i v eony ours ki n s hi v e r i ngunde rda mpbl a nk e t s ont opofy ourr ol l i nghi l l s t hi sc i t yofl ov e doe snotf e e l l i k eahe a r tbe a t i ng I tf e e l sl i k eaha nds que e z i ng wa nt i ngbodi e ss l i ppi nga tt hes e a ms Iwa ntt or e l a x dr ownoute v e r ywa v ei nmymi nd unt i l mybr a i ns oundsl i k ea nunt une dr a di o i ns t e a d Ia mr e mi nde dhowe a s yi ti st of e e l bot h v i ol e nta ndv i ol a t e d hope f ul a ndhor r i fie d Iwa ntt or e l a x wa ntt ol a ug h wa ntt og oba c kt oflowe r s , t uc k e dbe hi ndmye a r Mys t oma c hi sr oi l i ng If e e l e v e r ys e c ondof2 Dg or ea sl i t e r sofhy dr oc hl or i ca c i d Ia ms qui r mi ngi nmys e a t t r a ppe dbymyi na bi l i t yt or e c og ni z emya ut onomy Is l a mt hefla s hi ngl i g ht ss hutwi t hj us te noug hf or c et of e e l powe r f ul ae ra nhours pe nts c r ol l i ngt hr oug hc ons t a ntr e mi nde r st ha tIa m powe r l e s s Ig oout s i de t r yt ol i myhe a d, l e tS a nFr a nc i s c of a l s es umme r t i mer e s i ngmyme l ody ButIha v et ol ookdowns oa snott ot r i pov e rbodi e sboundt opa v e me nt Doy oul ov et he ma sIdo? Ar ey ouboundt ot he s epe opl e boundt ohor r or t ohe l pl e s s ne s s t ohope ?

F a l l i ngi nLo v eorF a l l i ngApa r t Ionl ywr i t ewhe nIa mf a l l i ngi nl o v eorf a l l i nga pa r t ; Ia mc ur r e nt l yt r y i ngmyv e r yha r de s tnott o doe i t he roft hos et hi ng s a g a i n.

I ’ mf a l l i ngoutofl o v ewi t hs ome body whol o v e sme , butnotba c k .

I ’ m hol di ngmy s e l ft og e t he r wi t ht hef e wt hr e a dsIha v el e f t . Pl e a s edonotmi ndmyl oos ee nds .

Iwoul dl o v et oha v es ome bodyt owr i t epoe msa bout , amus e ,ama r t y rf ormyme nt a l ma s s a c r eofwor k .

ButIc a nnotqui t eg e tmy s e l ft ot ha tpoi nt a g a i n.

Ic a nnotg e tpa s tt heme nt a l ba r r i e r ofput t i ngmyha ppi ne s si nt os ome onee l s e ' sha nds a ndnotk no wi ngi ft he yk no wi t notk no wi ngi ft he yf e e l t hes a mewa y a g a i n.

I fmyha ndsa r es t a i ne df r om s ome onee l s e ’ sf a i l e dha ppi ne s s – I ’ ms or r yi fIwa st ooc a ug htupi nmyo wnhe a d, t oobus yf a l l i ngt onot i c e a g a i n.

You’ r eha r dt or e a d, bute a s yt ol o v e Ic a n’ tt e l l i fy ous e et hr oug hme DoIha v et ot e l l y ou

c a ny out e l l t ha tIl o v ey ou?

a g a i n?

27

De l i l a h “ De l i l a h” c ommonl ya s s oc i a t e dwi t ht hema nwhoo v e r po we r e dhe r , o v e r s ha do we dhe r .

Shedoe snotpul l do wnc ol umns ,de s t r o ybui l di ng s , s hebr e a k sg r o wnme nwi t hs c i s s or s .

Shet a s t e sl i k ec a r da mom a ndor a ng epe e l s , l ur i ngl o v ea ndl us t a ndl ook sf r om a f a ra tt hec hur c ht ha tha sl a be l e dhe r :whor e .

He rbl ooda ndbond notwi t habo y noras c or ne dbody butwi t hg ol de ns he a r s a nde r r a t i cbe a ut y .

Shek no wshe ro wnwor t h k no wss hebi r t he dag od a ndt ha ts her e ma i nsa bo v ehi m ont hea l t a r .

Shedoe snotf ol l o w“ t hehol ywor d” buti ns t e a dhe ro wn.

Shedoe snots e t t l el i k et hema r bl edus t a tl e a s t ,notf ora ny t hi ngl e s st ha nhe ro wndi v i ni t y .

28

I nt hos ewoods ,l i ng e r i ngj us tbe l o wt het r e el i ne , whe r et he nor t he a s t e r ns uns hi ne pr i e si t s wa y t hr oug hda mpne e dl e sa ndl e a v e s ,Ihi dunde rmy t a r pf r om t her a i na ndwr ot et ot hemos ti mpor t a nt pe opl ei nmyl i f e .Iwr ot eni nel e t t e r si nt he s ewoods .

Tomybe s tf r i e nds ,Is e nta ne i g ht pa g el i f eupda t e , s pl i t i nt of ourl e t t e r s , whi c hwoul dne e dt ober e a dt og e t he rt oma k es e ns e .

Iwr ot er e s pons e st omyc ous i n a ndmyg r a ndmot he r .Iwr ot el e t t e r st obot hofmy pa r e nt s ,c op y i ngdo wnapoe m Iha dwr i t t e ne a r l i e r t ha twe e ki nt ot hema r g i nsofmymom’ s .Butt he mos ti mpor t a ntl e t t e rIwr ot ewa st heoneIwr ot et o my s e l f .

Iwr ot et ot e ny e a r ol dmei nl ong f or mpr os e poe t r y ,a ndIt ol dhe rt ha tIdi di t .El e v e ny e a r ol d me , di a g nos e dwi t hBe ni g nRol a ndi cEpi l e ps yay e a r e a r l i e r –af or m ofe pi l e ps yt ha tc a us e ss e i z ur e si n s l e e pi ngc hi l dr e n–c oul dnotg ot os l e e po v e r s ,s l e e p ont het opbunk , orl oc kt hedoorwhi l es hes ho we r e d.

It ol dhe rt ha tIwa sde f y i ngadi a g nos i st ha tha dk e pt e y e sonhe rc ons t a nt l y .

Iwr ot et ohe rt ha tIwa ss l e e pi ngi naha mmoc k ,a ndi t ’ snota sc omf or t a bl ea ss he a l wa y st houg ht ,butnoonewa swa t c hi ngme .It ol d t we l v e y e a r ol dmet os a yy e s ,e v e ni fi twa ss c a r y .I t ol dhe rt ha ts a y i ngy e sg otmet omyo wnr oom a g a i n,boa r di ngs c hooli nVe r mont ,a ndmydr i v e r ' s l i c e ns e ,de s pi t ewha tc oul dha v ebe e nape r ma ne nt di s a bi l i t y .

Iwr ot eons l i g ht l yda mppa pe rt ha the rde fia nc e ,he runwi l l i ng ne s st obudg eonhe runde r s t a ndi ngofhe ri l l ne s s –onhe runde r s t a ndi ngofhe r s e l f ,ha sg ot t e n he rt ot hi ng ss heha d onc eonl y dr e a me dofi nfit r i dde ns l e e p .

It ol dhe rt ha tt hea nt i a nx i e t ybr e a t hi nge x e r c i s e ss hes pe nthour spr a c t i c i ngunde rt hec o v e r sk e ptmec a l m whe nmyfla s hl i g htdi e di nt heni g ht ,20f e e tf r om myc a mps i t e .I t ol dhe rt ha the rf oc usa ndde t e r mi na t i ong ui de dhe r ba c kt ohe rha mmoc kwhe nhe rv i s i onc oul dnot .As Iwr ot et ot heg i r lunde rt hec o v e r s ,s hi v e r i ngl i g ht l y unde rmys l e e pi ngba g ,Ibe g a nt ounde r s t a ndhe r a g a i n.Ibe g a nt ounde r s t a ndmy s e l f .

11Pi e c e sofUnwa r r e nt e dAdv i c ef orTa k i ngt heBus 1.Ev e r y onei sj udg i ng .

2.Nooner e a l l yc a r e s .

3.Thebus e st ha tpa s sb ys c hool sa r ee mpt yonwe e k e nds ,a ndt ha ti sa qui e ty ouc a nnotfinda ny whe r ee l s e .

4.I fy ou’ r ebor e d,ma k eupt hena me sofpe opl es i t t i ngne x tt oy ou wi t houts t a r i ngt ooobv i ous l y .

5.F ogwi l l s e e pt hr oug ht hes l i m,s t i c k e r c o v e r e dwi ndo ws( whi c hy ou s houl dn’ tc l os ei nor de rt oe s c a pet hef r o z e nl i c k sony ourc he e k s be c a us et hewoma nwhoope ne dt he m wi l l g e ta ng r ya nds t a r e da g g e r si nt ot heba c kofy ours k ul l unt i l y oug e tof fones t opt oo e a r l ybe c a us ei t ’ ss t a r t i ngt oa c t ua l l ys t i ng ) ,s os i ti nt hef a rba c kr o w unt i l t hehe a tf r om t heba t t e r ywa r msy ourba c k .

6.Obs e r v et her e g ul a r s .Thema nwhog e t son3s t opsa f t e ry ouwi l l be k i ndt oda y ,buthes c of f e da tt hedr i v e ronMonda y .

7.Re c og ni z et ha ty oua r ear e g ul a r ,a nds ome onemi g htbeobs e r v i ng y ou.

8.Whe ny ourhe a dphone sdi e ,l i s t e nt ot hebusmus i c .Gui t a rs ol os a ndBi l l i eEi l i s hv oc a l f r ys ne a k i ngoutofpa s s e ng e r s ’Ai r Pods , c r e a k i ngs e a t s ,c r y i ngba bi e s ,l oudbr e a t hi ngf r om t heg uywhoha d t or unt oc a t c ht he8: 30.

9.Tr ynott ol i s t e nt ot hes l i g ht l yt i nnyne wst hr oug he v e r y one ’ s not qui t e qui e t e noug hs pe a k e r s ,muc hl e s sy ouro wn.Thi si snot t hepl a c ef ort ha tk i ndofr e a l i t y .I nt hi swor l dwi t hi nahummi ng me t a l bo x ,y ourbi g g e s tpr obl e mi sonl yt hee v e r g r o wi ngr i s kof s e e i ngt heba r ebut t c he e k soft hema nwi t houtabe l ts t a ndi ngr i g ht i nf r ontofy ou.

10.

Thi si spos s i bl yy ouronl ye s c a pef ort heda y .I t ’ snotr e l a x i ng ,buti t i sat i mewhe r ey ouc a nc onfide nt l ys a yy ouha v enor e s pons i bi l i t i e s e x c e ptof f e r i ngy ours e a tt ot heol dwome nwi t ht he i rc a r t sa nd t r y i ngnott of a l l o v e rwhe ny ourdr i v e rTok o y oDr i f t sup O’ Sha ug hne s s y ,e v e nt houg hhol di ngt hebl a c kc a nv a sl oopsma k e s y ouf e e l l i k eas e a l e g g e dt our i s t .

11.

I twi l l f e e l l i k eas t r a ng ei nbe t we e n.Thebusi sapubl i ct i me wa r p , ac i t y f unde di nt e r l ude .

30