Fruitful
ReplaceMemory
Rememberinggod
TheBakery
Bundles
Idon'twanttobeforgottenthewaythatIforget
IThoughtAboutYou,Today
Materializing
SeeingandKnowing
Tattoos
GreenThumb
Misty
Fruitful
Angerbringsmetotears, Iprayonedaythisangerwon'trotaplateoffruit thatadeepbreathissmoothnottremblingwithrage
Thisragehasbecomesoviralandcontagious it'sbettertostaylockedawaythatwayyourplatesstayfruitfulandyourbreathequal Thatwayyourtearsaren'tsosaltyoncemyangerblooms iwish,iprayfortearsofsadness thatonedaythisangerwillbloomintosomethinguseful
ReplaceMemory
Ireplacememorywithdelusionbecauseit’seasyformetolietoeveryoneincludingmyself
I’vebetrayedmyselfmorethanI'vebeenbetrayedbyothers,andIrevisitthatthoughtoftenasitresemblesmy dad
Becauseinthisdelusionalworldi’vecreatedmadeoutofrustybudweisercanseverycolormeshestogetherto formtheclothesonmyback
Iwearblackandonlyblack,navyblueonoccasion,redifineedcolor
Wearingsomethingmydadcouldreallybeproudof,whatreallycatcheshiseye
There’sstillmomentswhereI'meverythinghewantsmetobe,all inthebodyofsomeonesolacking
WhatdoIlack?
WhatmorecanIknow?
Howmuchmoredoyouhavetosacrifice?
Ithinkasmyfoodlooksupatme
Mydadmadepasta,ahistoricdish
Heclaimsitismyfavoritefoodintheworld HesaysIcouldeatitfordaysandhecooksenoughtofulfill thatstatement I'llnevertellhimhe'srightbecausethenthatmeansIcan'treplacethismemoryofpastawith anythingelse
Iknowhethinksaboutmebecausemyvoicehauntshim Hauntshismindandmotivation
IfIcouldgobackandbeeverythingheenvisionedIwoulddoittoproveIcanbesomuchbiggerIcanbea fractionofhim Manifestedintosomeonesomuchbetter,someonetobeproudof
InsteadIsitacrossfrommydad,astranger.Someonewhocarriessmalltalkthesamewordsonconstantloop, thesamestories,thesamelies,thesamealwayschasingfliesintheyard,chasingthemincirclesuntilallIcan doiscatchmybreathonthepavementandignorethecravings,thecoldcravingsthatmakememyfathers daughterundoubtedly
Rememberinggod
Ihave20/20vision
I’vealwaysthoughtIdeserveacoupleextracreditpointsthough They’renecessaryforthedetailsIpickup
BecauseI'malsobusythinkingofwhatdetailswereactuallynecessary
Theonesthatkeepmethreadedtoascarilycrookedneedle notforthepurposeofcrookedthreading notusefulinthatmattereither butjustcrookedandsharp,theantiweavingneedlethatkeepsmymemoriesinconstantlimbosuspended acrossmyfrontallobelikeacircusofmiceIwishtobeentertainedby excepttheykeepfallingoffthetightropeandgettingswallowedbythesafetynetbelowthat’swaitingfor failure
IfIwereswallowedbythesafetynetdoyouthinkIcouldfindallthedetailsthatmatteror maybeeventhebiggerpicture?
IfIhadthebiggerpictureitwouldbehungaboveanentranceinmyhomelikeahouseofgod. Iwouldmakemyownhouseofgod
IfgodwasmemoriesIwouldremember Iwouldhavefaithinthestateofremembrance
ButIkeeplosingsightofwhyI'mhere,Ikeepforgetting
TheBakery
ThebakeryistheplacewhereIcancallyousecretnames,wherebadwordsturnintounrecognizable adjectivesI'veneverconjuredoutloud Today,Iconjuredthosewordsinachysweets Theimpulsetomake somethingforyouisalivethesamewayIfeelforyou Remindingmeoflifemakesmewanttosustainthat feelingthrougheverymediumIcanattain Myabilitytoloveyouisnotimpressive,justdeservedand thoughtful Iconjurefoodtofillyouwithwarmth TheclosestIcangettoyourheartandsoulisthroughthe secretspicesscribbledinthisspecialbook,thesamespicescoatingyourtonguewithmylegacy Canyoutaste it?
Ittakesmehalfanhourtofollowtheshadowytracesallovermyskin, likeabloomingtreeIcantrecognizefruitorflower Innaturallightadressisrevealed,stillshadows
Where? Everywhere?
Youcanseeeverythingeverywhere alltheshadowsstucktomybody
I'mtracingmyselfontopaper,myfriendholdsmybodyseeseverythingeverywhere myspinereverberateslikeaslinky,thecolumnsbumpintoeachother, oneaftertheothershakingme,thepaper. nowimblackandred,inkandblood
Tattoos
IThoughtAboutYou,Today
I'vehadcompellingthoughtsaboutmyskinandyours.I'vehadcompellingthoughtsaboutyouandIwantto tellyouwhytheyaresocompellingbutIwanttogoback
Iwanttokeepthefeelingofbeingcompelledtoyou Whatmakesthewatersocompelling,howmanylayers, levels,andheights
Iapproachthewaterfirst,walkandsmilelatergoingsilent
I'minanalteredstate amixofmyselfandthecompellingwavesonyourface,drowning
GreenThumb
IfI'veeverhadawellroundedthoughtit'salwaysbeenalone. Neveralone,Irepeatbecausethat'smywellroundedthought Irepeatthoughtsinacyclelikeaprayerinbadtimesbecauselikebadtimesliesareinevitable Howsolidalie is,howconcretethewordsare Youcanseethewallsbeingbuiltandthecagecloses Freedomonedaywhenthecagebecomestoosmall,whenyounolongerfitwithinthiscage,onethatloves you
I,specificallyandespeciallymadeforyou,turnedintoagardenoflovewithbrightbeautifulplasticroses You sayyousmelltherealityofthesepetals Thestenchofbaitrisesfromthecrevicesofplasticfabric Right beforeyoureyesIdropthematch,lightingthegardenonfire Thesmellofrealityissoacrid Imirroryour shockandpainuntilIcan'trecreateyourburnsandscreams.UntilIcan'trecreatethetearsandmovements, untilyoucan'tseemetranslatewhatIseetoyou Maybeyou'velearnedandmaybenowwhenIscatteryour ashesthey'lltellmethetruth.
There'sstilltracesofyourmistonmyskin,sopredictabletoseeyousoclose. Mistdoeswhattouchcannotdo Mistknowsmeandnourishesmybody
Mistingmybodyfromadistancewouldsecuretouch
Butmaybemybodyneedsdistance
Thenurturingtouchofmyhandsandlayersofsweetoils,butters,andmist What'sleftaretraceseverywhere likepaint Onedayyou'llturnthelightsoffandlookatthepaintstrokesofproductpiledonmyskin
Filledwithhunger,eatinguntilyou'refull grabbingandtouchingtoendyouremptiness laterthespicesI sprinkledontopofmyskinwillentranceyou,sickly
OnedayI'llmastertherecipesoyoudon'tkeepdying
Maybemybodyneedsdistance
Mistisenoughforme
Misty
Materializing
Everybodywantsthetruthuntil.
Untilyou'reempatheticformypain,thenIthinkI'llkillyou soyouseethepainmanifested,sobadit'llhurtyou Insteadofme
Isaiditoutaloudtoseehowitfeels Iweighedalltheoptions IlayedoutallthewordsonthetabletosortandallI'mleftwithiswordsaboutmyself ThewordsIhatethe most
IfIknewwhatIlovedaboutmyselfIwouldtelleveryoneandIwouldloveevenharderthanIalreadydo,I wouldwalkwithnaivety Mylovewouldbetoomuchforyouall SoI'lltellyoulies,theonesthatdon'tflashgoldinyoureyes,myadvantagepoints,IknowbettersoIlie. Don'tlettheseeyesfoolyoubecausethey'llneverlookawayfirst youseethetruth,whatIsee,andnowyou'recrying. Onewithmysensessortingpainforever That'swhatyoudo,sortthroughmypainwithpiercingintimacy
I'llnevertellthetruthagain,nowI'mallsplayedout,dissectedandmyheart,soulandskinlaybesideme IfI couldseemyselfnow IwouldsayIshouldhaveknownbetter Iwouldreassemblemybodyandkillyou
SeeingandKnowing
Knowingisn'tenoughforme
toknowisn'tenough,soIhavetosee
IknewmydadwasguttingagoatbutIcouldn'tsee MaybeIhavetoseethosehorrorstorealizethatknowingisenough Becauseexposureisn'trare,it'sintrusiveandviolent “don'tlook” takethewordsasenough,thewordscandeteriorateunliketheimagethatwillcrossyourmindinhundredsof variations
“Don'tlook” “Closeyoureyes” “Youdon'twanttosee”
Inbetweendaysofpeacewhenmyhomefeelslikeagraveyard,eachstephashauntingechoes,thefloors aren'treflective,butIcanseemyselfinthereflectionofabowl Foodishot,paintingtheairwithstrokesof steam,mywishforanimageanswered Cactus,slimyandgreen ThetasteIknowisgood,butIseeit,somysistersays “Closeyoureyes”
Closedcasketsaren'tfornarcissisticfamilies Thatsoundsharshbutaclosedcasketdoesn'tcarryasmuch resentment,blessings,andsinceritiesasanopenone
“Youdon'twanttosee”
I'mtoldsoIwalkoverandfeelmysideache Ifeelweigheddownbytheemotions tuggingmyvocalcordslikerope
Icanfeeltheclimb
wordswanttospilloutbutI'mscaredofwormsanddirtsoIcryinfrontofanopencasket spillingmysinceritiesontoamanIneverknew ThenIknowthatknowingisenough
