Bully-Proofing your children

BULLY-PROOFING OUR CHILDREN Summit Parent Series: November 4, 2010 Hosted by Terry Malone Lower School Director Presenters: Kendra Thornton, PCC-S K-6 Guidance Counselor Mike Fee, MEd 7-12 Guidance Counselor

School Bullying Statistics  Over 75% of students are subjected to harassment by a bully and experience physical and/or emotional abuse.  Over 20% of kids admit to being a bully or participating in bully-like activities.  Over one half of bullying events go unreported to authorities or parents.  On a daily average 160,000 children miss school because they fear they will be bullied if they attend classes.

Source: The ABCs of Harassment by John Sheridan

Bullying is…

• An intentional written, verbal or physical act, including but not limited to one shown to be motivated by any characteristic such as race, color, religion, ancestry, national origin, gender, sexual orientation, mental or physical disability, or other distinguishing characteristics, when the intentional act: • (a) Physically harms a student or damages his/her property; or • (b) Substantially interferes with the student’s education; or • (c) Is so severe, persistent or pervasive that it creates an • intimidating or threatening educational environment; or • (d) Or substantially disrupts the orderly operation of a school

Simply stated, bullying…

• Is intimidating or subjecting a person to hostility or ill treatment .

• Involves actions which cause another person to feel afraid, humiliated, embarrassed, threatened or shamed.

• Occurs in a relationship in which there is an imbalance of power.

• Is repeated over time.

Bullying Happens in Four Ways • Verbal/Non-Verbal: – teasing, jokes, rumors, threats – ignoring/exclusion, emails, texts, social networking sites

• Physical: – hitting, physical restraint, pushing, kicking

• Sexual: – harassing, touching, pictures, “sexting”, graffiti

• Property: – Hiding/destroying belongings, theft, extortion, vandalism

Overt and Covert Bullying • Bullying can be overt such as teasing, hitting, or pushing – Boys are most often overt bullies

• Bullying can be covert such as spreading rumors, exclusion, or ignoring – Girls are most often covert bullies

Three Bully Types 1. Reactive Bullies – A bully who reacts based on a perceived provocation from others – Can benefit from improved social skills, empathy training, or anger management 2. Proactive Bullies – A bully who is calculating, mean-spirited, and callous. One who seeks and creates trouble.

– Can benefit from boundary setting, clear limits, and timely consistent consequences 3. Elitist Bullies – A bully who is self-centered and egotistical, feasting on peergiven power (Think: Queen Bees) – Can benefit from service learning opportunities that expose them to a different perspective. They often have great leadership potential.

Bullying is NOT… • A normal childhood activity – Many adults believe it is best left to be resolved by children and their peers unless bullying is likely to lead to physical injury.

• A rite of passage – Bullying is often perceived as a harmless rite of passage that all children will experience.

– “I went through the same thing when I was her age.”

• The target’s fault

Breaking the “code of silence” • Open communication is critical • Teach children there is a difference between tattling and telling –Tattling is to get someone IN trouble, but telling is to get someone OUT of trouble

Is It Bullying or Normal Peer Conflict?

Normal Conflict

Bullying

• • • • • • •

• • • • • •

Equal power or are friends Happens occasionally Accidental Not serious Equal emotional reaction Not seeking power Remorse-will take responsibility • Effort to solve the problem

Imbalance of power Repeated negative actions Intentional Physical or emotional harm Unequal emotional reaction Seeking control/material things • No remorse-blames target • No effort to solve the problem

Effects of Bullying on the Target Physical Effects ..Stomach aches ..Weight loss/gain ..Headaches ..Drop in grades ..Drug or alcohol use ..Sexual activity ..Physical aggression ..Suicidal (Bullycide) ..Homicidal (Columbine)

Emotional Effects ..Fear ..Alienation ..Low self-esteem ..Insecurity ..Depression ..Withdrawn ..Aggression ..Anger ..Vengeful

Warning Signs: Is your child the target of bullies?

• Frequently teased, taunted, intimidated, threatened, or dominated • Has a derogatory nickname • Regularly has bruises or injuries that can’t be explained • Has belongings taken or damaged • Few or no close friends at school

• Often socially isolated • Has behaviors that seem “out of character” from how s/he usually behaves • Less assertive or lacks the skills to respond to others’ teasing or harassment • Tries to stay close to a teacher or other adult at recess or breaks

If you suspect your child is being bullied…

• Talk with your child: – If your child is being bullied, s/he needs to have a voice in how the situation is handled.

•

Contact the school: – Set up a meeting with your child’s teacher(s) or counselor.

– Develop a plan for keeping your child safe – Find out what activities or counseling options are available for your child.

• Don’t encourage your child to fight back—two wrongs don’t make a right!

• Don’t confront the bully’s parents or the other child directly.

• Avoid bringing your child and the bully together to elicit an apology or resolve the issue.

What about the bully?

• Studies show that children identified as bullies by age 8 are six times more likely to be convicted of a crime by age 24.

• 60% of kids characterized as bullies in the 6th9th grade had at least one criminal conviction by age 24.

• Bullies are five times more likely to end up with a serious criminal record by age 30.

Brewster & Railsback, National Association of School Psychologists

What motivates a bully?

• Bullies prey on an imbalance of power.

• They need to make themselves feel more important.

• They need a particular reaction from the other members of the group.

• Bullies believe their behavior is exciting and makes them more popular.

• They may be coping with a loss.

• They may be seeking attention.

• They may have impulse control issues.

• They may be victims of bullying/abuse.

• They may see violence modeled at home or elsewhere in their lives.

What motivates a bully? cont.

We used to think bullies suffered from low self-esteem‌ BUT modern research has found that children who bully typically demonstrate a strong sense of self-esteem. They bully because they like to feel powerful and in control.

Daniel F. Perkins, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Family and Youth Resiliency and Policy, Pennsylvania State University

Warning Signs: Is your child bullying others?

• • • •

Frequent name-calling Regular bragging A need to always get his/her own way Spending more time with younger or less powerful kids • A lack of empathy for others • A defiant or hostile attitude • Frequent misbehavior at school (e.g. namecalling, teasing, intimidating, physical aggression)

What can parents do to help?

Talk with your child.

– Remind them that we cannot control how others treat us, but we can control how we react to it.

Practice coping skills with your children using role plays.

– Just like piano and soccer, it takes a lot of practice to do it well.

Using “I” Statements: “When you__________, I feel____________. Next time, please__________.”

This tool is very useful in empowering kids and adults.

What can parents do to help? cont.

• Never condone bullying behavior. Speak up and tell your child that the behavior they are engaging in is considered bullying.

• Encourage empathy for others and model this behavior.

• Remind your child that everyone has a right to be themselves, to choose their own friends, and to feel safe at school.

• Review consequences of bullying behavior: both discipline consequences and relationship consequences.

• Reinforce respectful behaviors at home.

• Help your child deal with feelings in positive ways.

• Report any suspected bullying to faculty so it may be handled promptly and appropriately • Contact the school for help – Set up a meeting with your child’s teacher(s) or counselor.

– Develop a plan for change.

Responding To The Problem Of Bullying at School • The Lower School has developed a school-wide bullying policy to: raise awareness of students, teachers, parents and administrators create a framework for responding to bullying improve overall school environment ensure change is occurring in the classroom empower students through character education programs such as Lion’s Quest

We Must Be Proactive, Not Reactive • • • •

All LS students and their parents sign an antibullying contract at the start of the school year.

Children are being empowered through use of “I Statements.”

Anti-harassment policy is listed in the school’s handbook All students get a consistent message from school adults regarding how to respond to bullying: 1. Ignore or Walk away 2. Use “I statements” 3. Seek an adult for help

We Must Be Proactive, Not Reactive • Character Education programs, like Lion’s Quest, are used daily to teach conflict resolution skills and reinforce our anti-bullying message.

• We use the highly acclaimed “Second Step” and “Steps to Respect” anti-bullying programs which clearly outline successful school interventions and prevention activities.

• We have multiple resources, books, activities, and games that teachers and counselors use to strengthen these skills.

• We teach and condone anti-bullying behaviors, but, most importantly, we model them in our interactions with the children and faculty.

Ideas for Parents to Use at Home  Practice role-playing, “I” statements, and other activities to help children understand the perspectives of others and identify feelings  Have your child participate in cooperative learning activities that encourage teamwork and reduce social isolation  Create activities at home that teach problem-solving and conflict-resolution skills  Read books children's’ books about bullying and discuss them afterwards.

Help STOP Bullying Support those who have been bullied Treat everyone with respect Open your eyes and be alert for bullying Prevent bullying by reporting any problem behaviors.

Thank you for your time!

Any questions or comments?