Three, five for fun

Three! Five, For Fun! Sullivan is “Stalk O’ the Toon” as Primaries put in Giant effort.

PSFC’s effervescent encounter with Lasswade at Polton Hall was the kind of match that makes a mockery of preconceived wisdoms surrounding the world of staff football. Firstly, the idea that a full time result of 5 goals a piece must mean that both defences were utter pish was ripped up for bum­ rag as each team battled to outwit each other with sumptuous attacking flair.

Secondly, the idea that Gary Sullivan could put poor technique, erratic form and that sordid naked photo scandal behind him to produce a sterling display of striking prowess is barely conceivable but is, amazingly, true.

However, not all was rosy in the Sullivan garden as a pre­match sclaff managed to clear not just a 30ft fence behind the goal but another even higher fence surrounding Lasswade Rugby Club. The net result was a £15 bill for a lost ball waiting to be drawn up in Garry Forgie’s “Ledger Of Sin”.

Primaries lined up without 5 first picks when French, Gilhooley, Dimeck, Durkin and Jamieson cried off. In came Paul Smythe for his first game in 18 months and a mysterious local Government ringer called “Ian” sporting the kind of “Schoolboy International” haircut that immediately marked him out as one to watch.

The game kicked off on the futuristic 3G astro pitch with a ferocity that belied the 80 degree heat that had stifled much of Midlothian. Pre match reports of Scottish League ringers in the Lasswade ranks had failed to stir any nerves in Primaries as they immediately settled down to their trademark possession football. The break through wasn’t long in coming.

A wicked left foot corner delivery from Morrison found Sullivan unmarked from 2 yards out and he made no mistake to notch his sixth of the season and put PSFC 1­0 up. The pre match pundits looked to be facing a large helping of humble pie when a small cantankerous spanner was suddenly thrown in the works.

Cammy Alexander, staff fitba’s motor­mouthed Methuselah, had generously put himself forward to officiate the proceedings knowing full well that if the game started to go down the potty for Lasswade he could be relied on to re­ write the rule book in order to drag his favourites back from the brink.

Lasswade’s equaliser, however, was pure Forrest fankling at its very best.

“The Rimshot Kid” nonchalantly strolled out from his line to field a lofted through ball and all seemed well (Dun Dun DUUUUNNN ­Ed) but the ball didn’t seem to fancy following the known laws of Physics and vanished into the space/time continuum only to re­appear behind a bewildered Forrest in the back of the pokey. 1­1 To be fair to the lad, another wardrobe malfunction of Musselburgh proportions had left him without any goalie gloves but having said that, it was still total pish.

With Lasswade back on equal terms, hugely partisan whistler Cammy decided to twist the knife still further with his first outrageous call of the afternoon. The gum shield may have been missing but the man could still lie through his teeth and he sent Primaries reeling with a double whammy of dreadfully dubious decisions (STOP IT!! –Ed). Off­sides were missed, fouls for PSFC given the other way, not to mention a liberal approach to crowd chanting with Smyth, Kay and Sullivan all on the receiving end of “You’re bald and you know you are” for the duration of the first half.

The upshot of this hurtful period was a two goal advantage to Lasswade as they went 3­1 ahead.

Things were looking bleak for Primaries. A hostile crowd, a nobhead of a ref, a triumvirate of teenage ringers and a goalie with “nae gloves”. It didn’t look good….. Until Sullivan brought to bear his unique brand of forward play.

A corner on the left looked to have fizzled out after being worked short back to Morrison, but just as he had for his side’s first, the centre half whipped in a fizzing centre for Sullivan to leap and power home a thundering header into the bottom left hand of the net from 16 yards. 3­2 Halftime.

The second period opened up for business and it was going like a fair for Primaries who had clearly been given heart by their bald strikers leaden..oops, force of habit, sorry!... leading performance.

Petrie was now in full harmony with his striking partner and looking for goals. Adams and Morrison had the defence locked down tighter than Forrest’s knicker elastic, Odie ebbed over the park like water in a flooded kitchen and surprise package Ian was pulling all the strings in midfield (raising suspicions with every perfectly timed pass).

Cometh the hour, Cometh the Cam, however, and a flurry of contrived “incidents” set Lasswade on their way again. The unrepentant man in black restored the two goal advantage when he blew for a mysterious foul in the penalty box. With the game stopped and the PSFC defence scratching their heads, he suddenly roared “Play on!!.. It was the sun!! I was blinded by the sun!!” and the Lasswade forward lashed the ball into an empty goal. 4­2.

When questioned on the validity of the decision he could only offer up a pitiful “it was outside my field of vision” as an explanation. But then, something beautiful happened….Lasswade became embarrassed. I mean acutely embarrassed. And they started to over­rule his decisions.

Another measured through ball from Ian unlocked the home defence allowing Sullivan to scamper (Scamper?! –Ed) into the box. The portly strikers legendary Economy of Movement ® had unsettled the Lasswade backline from the off and he was brought down in unceremonious fashion inside the area.

Incredulously, no award was forthcoming but the home captain took control with a supreme display of sportsmanship to place the ball on the spot.

Sullivan stepped up to calmly convert and grab his eighth goal in six games and his first hat­trick in two years. Spiffing!! 4­3!

The tide had now well and truly turned and Primaries were boosted by the surprise return of Greg Dimeck who subbed himself onto the park with his 7

month old son strapped to his back in a baby carrier. Luckily the weight of the infant evened up the load at the front end (funny way to hand in your P45, Gary son –Ed) and Dimeck went on to play superbly. (Pulled it out the fire bud! –Ed) Petrie was now ready to get in on the scoring and he finished off the best move of the game. Odie passed square to winger Brian who released Sullivan down the channel. A sublime chipped cross was dinked in perfectly on the head of the onrushing Petrie who bulleted a crashing header into the top corner. Magic stuff this! 4­4!!

The comeback was complete when “Daddy Day­care” Dimeck took a pass in the deep and pinged a curling 40 yard assist low into the box. A pumped Petrie did the rest to notch his 2nd and send the Primaries into orbit!!! 5­4!!

Both teams had served up a scintillating spectacle (You were warned!! – Ed) and the game had one last twist. Primaries were by this time blowing from the tugs after such a committed team performance and it began to show in the final minutes. Firstly, a Lasswade effort crashed off the underside of the bar and was beaten away by stalwart Forrest. But after throwing the proverbials at the visitor’s backline for what seemed like an eternity (a bit like reading this bastard match report, ya dick! ­ Ed) Lasswade breached the Primaries defence with a soaring header from a stoppage time corner.

5­5!! Full Time!

A truly inspired performance from PSFC against all the odds. On a day that produced many heroes it was GARY SULLIVAN who took the Man of the Match trophy for the second time this season with the kind of game that cements Paddy Durkin’s prophetic words from last week….. “For f***’s sake, Gary son, just stay up front!!”.