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Primaries show feminine side as they clean floor with Mr Muscle Primaries 7 v Trinity 2 4.6.09 Bangholm Astroturf

Staff League “Bad Boys” Primaries FC took out their frustrations on a shell shocked Trinity last night. But it could have all been so different for the Travelling Dangleberries after a less than auspicious opening half. Mind games were firmly on the agenda for PSFC in an early attempt to unsettle the home side. Paul “AGRO” Hunter crashed in the changing room swinging his wood about (whats new?) and Ian “Metal Fist” Forrest was wheeled out onto the park in a wheelchair in a scene reminiscent of the chariot race in Ben Hur. If these tactics were supposed to strike fear into Trinity, they failed miserably as the home side started the match on fire. After only 30 seconds a catalogue of individual errors allowed the home striker to slot from close range after the ball had been given the “hot tattie” treatment by Primaries rearguard. And it could have been even worse for the “evil eleven” as a host of early opportunities were passed up by the Trinity attack. 0-1 After a fashion (namely, Bryan Smith and Jamie Petrie’s horrible footwear), PSFC slowly came to grips with the game and pressed forward. After good work from Gilhooley, “Soggy Towel” victim Sullivan played a lovely reverse ball for Jamie Begg who finished coolly. 1-1 Unfortunately, Primaries were still fancying themselves as “Big Time Charlies” after a goal avalanche in recent weeks which brought no less than 21 strikes in 4 games. This was to prove their undoing once more as another period of what can only be described as “fannying about” allowed the Trinity midfielder to rifle home an angled drive from 20 yards. 1-2 It was hard luck on Forrest who wheeled over as fast as he could but someone had let his tyres down. The setback seemed to instil that now familiar rage that lurks within this demonic Primaries outfit and they drove on with the kind of terrifying menace that only a hardened mob of reprobates like PSFC can muster. A combination of abject terror from the home side and decent link up play from the visitors enabled Gilhooley to slip in Sullivan (on a first date too! Cheeky!) and the cyberBore flashed an effort inside the right hand post for his 9th of the season. 2-2 Half time.


Primaries started the second half with their ears buzzing after a stinging half time team talk from Neil “before Zod” Adams and the effect was immediate from the off. It was back to basics for the visitors as Wilson came in on the right flank and the possession percentage started to mount up against trinity. The breakthrough came with the best goal of the game. Trinity had erected a specially made 50ft fence behind the goals after tales of young starlet Begg’s profligacy in the penalty box, however, the striker had the last laugh (actually more of a maniacal cackle) when the ball broke to the edge of the area and he curled a beautiful effort into the top corner. 3-2 After a flurry of changes Primaries took charge of this encounter in a decisive and typically destructive period. It was shots that rained in on “Mr Muscle” in the Trinity goal rather than the usual punches and kicks that PSFC are renowned for, yet the bespectacled stopper somehow kept the vile The trinity keeper was in  hordes at bay. Stevie “Whispering Assassin” sparkling form Jamieson had entered the fray and two goals from the twisted wind up merchant settled the tie. A super pass from Greg “The Gent” Dimeck allowed the wiry hitman to fill his boots for his first before dancing away from the Trinity back line to slot his second and Primaries fifth. 5-2 It seemed that a combination of new trainers and the weight of family expectation had put paid to Petrie’s chances of bagging a goal in this game but a mindset of steely determination and rank selfishness allowed the birthday boy to slam home from the left after good work from Baillie. 6-2 Primaries went nap in this encounter when “Mild Mannered” Martin McCann bundled home for a seventh. Lindsay Odie was cutting some shapes all afternoon in the midfield and his previous job as ensemble dancer in Michael Jackson’s Thriller was suddenly given an airing when the midfielder acrobatically avoided heading the ball.

PSFC certainly looked up for the game  against Trinity


It was left to a consolation goal for Trinity to bring another successful afternoon’s work to a close and a final score of 7-3 Fulltime.

So, in the end it was a crushing victory for a rampant Primaries who have now scored a remarkable 28 goals in 5 games. When all the votes were in it was Jamie Begg who walked away with the Man of the Match trophy after he bagged a brilliant brace. STOP PRESS:- After Gaffer Lindsay’s impassioned plea to called the troops to account over recent misdemeanours it was great to see 7 of the Primaries contingent in the battle cruiser afterwards. However, Willie French’s unorthodox style of invitation (pictured) may have had something to do with such a small Trinity presence at The Starbank.

French ­“Fancy a pint, YA PRICK!!?”


Primaries show feminine side as they clean floor with Mr Muscle