You’re Very Richmond If…

If you’re a longtime reader of Style, you know this tune.

One of our most popular, recurring issues since the early days has been the “You’re Very Richmond If …” feature, which began in 1985 by asking readers to submit their thoughts on how to complete that sentence.

The contest tapped into those special, deep-down feelings Richmonders have for their beloved city – some good, some bad, some fun loving, some utterly flabbergasted. And it did so, usually, in a lighthearted way. Though times have indeed changed.

It’s been around seven years since we last ran this feature. And readers still regularly ask us: “When’s it coming back?” Well, here you go.

A special shout-out goes to longtime reader Victor Gottlieb, a self-professed huge fan of “You’re Very Richmond If …” He sent us way more submissions than any other person (using many emails, we might add). But he had some good ones, so we decided to give him his own special little section of this feature: the first annual Victor Gottlieb category, or “Crown Vic” as I like to call to it. Thanks, Victor.

To everyone else, we hope you get a laugh or two.

ILLUSTRATIONS BY Matt Schmidt READER

Submissions

Movers and shakers

You moved away from Richmond and still constantly talk about Richmond. – WES MCQUILLEN

You tried to move away but came back. – TIFFANY JANA

If someone asks you, “How far away is that from here?” Your answer is always “about 20 minutes.” – LAUREN DUNN

You still don’t know where the new location of the State Fair of Virginia is, even though it’s been held out there for over 10 years. – JULIETTE HIGHLAND

You moved here from NOVA. – LAUREN DUNN

Food, glorious food

You can’t help but judge anyone with Hellmans in their fridge. – LAUREN DUNN

The mere mention of snow causes grocery stores to sell out of milk and bread–within two hours. – GLYNIS BOYD HUGHES

You mark the first day of summer not on Memorial Day, not on the summer solstice, but on the day you have your first Hanover tomato.

– GARY L. FLAKE

You try to order a sailor sandwich in a real New York deli. – ANDREW HUNT

Your favorite Thanksgiving tradition is to tell out-of-town relatives that in fact, the first Thanksgiving took place in Virginia, not at Plymouth.

– NATALIE VOSS NEVILLS

You know rainbow cookies are always appropriate for any occasion. Kids parties, church luncheons, PTA meetings, weddings, funerals, divorce proceedings, car inspections, jury duty… Seriously. Any. Occasion. – LAUREN DUNN

Your ham biscuits have no biscuits, they have White House rolls. – LEE ANN NEWMAN

Your early 20s resume reads like a Fan food and wine tour. – SPENCER TURNER

Your idea of getting engaged in local issues is commenting in an RVA Craft Brew Facebook group. – SPENCER TURNER

You need to go to Third Street Diner for a fried doughnut as part of a late night out.

– AUDREY KANE

You complain about “big boxing” rva while sitting on the downtown Whole Foods bal- cony eating brisket from the buffet.

– SPENCER TURNER

You worked at a bar with someone who you now see at PTA meetings (most likely Buddy’s or Sidewalk) – ADRIENNE

KIRKPATRICK

Ahhh, memories

You remember when Southside was just Southside ... not Manchester, Bellemeade, etc. Same with Church Hill. – GLYNIS BOYD HUGHES

You remember when Short Pump Town Center was nothing more than a field used for weekend nighttime keg parties. – TONY FARRELL

You still call Dominion Vepco, you remember June Jubilee, you paid a nickel on the Nickel Bridge, and you’ve been to Station Break.

– APPLE BROWN BETTY

You liked the old Huguenot Bridge more than the new Huguenot Bridge. –

TONY FARRELL

You slept on the floor at the Science Museum under the T-Rex as a Girl/Boy Scout.

– JENNIFER GUILD

You saw Dave Mathews at the Flood Zone.

– MICHELLE MAYERS

You’re idea of the “good ole days” involves collectively drinking from a bottle of warm malt liquor (preferably Olde E) in a brown paper bag down at the James River while walking barefoot through rebar, raw sewage overflow, non-descript potential “Unsolved Murders” evidence and the shards of broken bottles of Olde E, decked out in nothing but a pair of cut-off jean shorts, a lingering neck tan and some Rastafari beads you bought at Bohannon’s or Unicus that still smell of sandalwood, patchouli and cloves, with a light note of the Camel cigarette butts you’ve had in your pocket since June.

– SPENCER TURNER

You refer to the Altria Theater as the Mosque, have more than two black/gray tattoos, and lose your mind when Avail starts talking about a reunion show.

– NINA MARINO

You can remember when Richmond had many peculiarities and actual things that made its denizens different instead of a NoVA lookalike, brewery-addled, ugly million dollar box condo, overpriced, gentrified mess none of [us] can afford to stay in or, ironically, leave because the surrounding counties are the same (but with slightly lower property taxes). – LAUREN

DELANEY

You know it’s called Richmond and not RVA. – TAYLOR

SULLIVAN

Driving and crying …

You think that having to use your car’s turn signals is a sign of government overreach. – PAULA

MARGOLIS

You get mad when someone parks in front of your house on a public street. – EMMY

SMITH READY

You can make a (legal) left-hand turn on Broad after Boulevard. – BETH DETREVILLE

You are a tiny woman living off Grove Avenue and you get a 10,000 ton vehicle to carry your one child. – CEDRIC

GIESE

You keep forgetting that the Nickel Bridge doesn’t cost a nickel anymore. – TONY

FARRELL

You miss listening to Alden Aaroe and Millard the Mallard on WRVA. – EMMY SMITH READY

Assorted hits

You never, ever complain about the humidity.

– TONY FARRELL

You think there can never be too many azaleas in someone’s yard. –

TONY FARRELL

Your style is inspired by the chef from “The Bear.” – TAYLOR SULLIVAN

You never question why so many landmarks are named after Jefferson, who was not born here, did not die here, and whose main residence is a couple of hours away. – NATALIE

VOSS NEVILLS

You have strong opinions about the demarcation of the Near West End. – JULIETTE

HIGHLAND

Your Richmond accent sounds like somebody who just woke up from a nap. After coming home from the dentist. With a mouth full of novocaine. –

TONY FARRELL

You know someone who worked for Style Weekly. – MARTHA ANDERSON

You submit an item to this contest. – BILLY RICE

RVA all day

You’re aware of the fecal content of the James River, but it doesn’t stop you from swimming.

You once bought a rose from Dirt Woman and he leaned in and whispered that he’s having your baby.

You actually Google searched whether Richmond has flying squirrels.

You believe duct tape and WD-40 can pretty much fix anything.

You think we were better off before rotary phones.

You remember where you were when Gov. Ralph Northam attempted his moonwalk.

You have a relative with an accent that pronounces the words “enormous porpoises” as “ah-NAH-mus POH-poses.”

You’ve been to the vampire’s tomb in Hollywood at midnight.

You don’t remember any of the times you went to ODC after last call.