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FEBRUARY 14, 2005 | VOLUME 126, NO. 50

Sophomore Ultimate Frisbee player Brian Stowe bares it all in the name of love for Student Life’s Valentine’s Day Sex Issue.

Photo illustration by David Brody and Emily Tobias

2 STUDENT SEX LIFE

Cadenza & Scene Editors / Matt Simonton & Sarah Ulrey / cadenza@studlife.com & scene@studlife.com

Dominance and submission

By Sarah Baicker Special Features Editor

DAVID BRODY | STUDENT LIFE

Senior Matt Traverso likes to whip it—whip it good.

Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism—BDSM. Most students on campus have some idea what these ideas refer to—and “Student Union-sponsored” is not likely what comes to mind.

But Wash U’s BDSM club, the Alternative Lifestyle Association, is not what you might think.

Though members say they most often face the question: “Do you guys have orgies?” ALA’s members don’t engage in sexual activity of any kind during meetings. They do, however, often share stories about past sexual experiences.

The group considers itself to be discussion based. The weekly meetings, which run between one and two hours, are centered on a pre-determined topic. Members discuss sex philosophically.

For instance, subjects range from the defi nition of pleasure and the concept of humiliation to ideas about gender.

The group was founded last year by senior Matt Traverso and a female friend and co-worker, a sophomore who wishes to go unnamed. “(BDSM and sexuality) came up in conversation,” said ALA’s co-founder. “It was like, ‘This other person knows what I’m talking about.’ We started a dialogue, and from it came this wonderful resource.”

To spread the word about the club’s existence, the two plastered walls all over campus with provocative posters and fl iers, an act that resulted in a formal disciplinary hearing.

“It turns out you’re only allowed to hang fl iers up in Mallinckrodt, outside of Holmes, on the Forty and Small Group,” said Traverso, though he expressed doubt that the location of the flyers was really the sole reason for the hearing.

Though most members are drawn to the group because of a shared interest in BDSM, not all members come to the club for this reason. Senior Marisa Miller became interested in the group through other means, after pursuing research and an interest in performance artwork.

“What really interests me about BDSM is the idea of eroticism in all its forms—not just the images or the things we imagine when we think of BDSM,” she said.

ALA is considered a Category 3 group by Student Union, which means they are still in a trial phase and are granted no more than $500 a semester.

“It’s called seed funding,” said the group’s treasurer, a freshman who asked to remain anonymous. Contrary to what many students believe, any money the group receives does not go to “anything personal,” said Miller. Members deny rumors that they asked Student Union to fund the purchase of a sex swing and other equipment. They agree that would be unethical.

Instead, most all of ALA’s funding goes directly toward purchasing books for the group’s library,

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

n SU-sponsored S&M club

is educational—and tame? currently managed by Traverso. The collection— often used as a reference during meetings—contains a combination of literature, philosophy and texts on sexuality. But it is comprised mostly of what the group members refer to as “safety manuals,” guides that instruct readers on the safe and consensual practice of BDSM. Books are available to the group’s members, as well as any other interested students.

ALA had booths at the last two Activities Fairs.

“We’d hand out flyers, and they would get handed back to us,” said the group’s treasurer. People would “give me one of those looks, like they’re imagining me naked and hitting somebody,” she said.

“It’s an issue of people being uncomfortable with sexuality,” said the group’s co-founder, who plans to sell homemade whips and floggers on campus later this year as a fundraiser.

“Everyone thinks BDSM toys are always black and leather and scary, which isn’t the case.”

The group does not anticipate any trouble reserving a table in Mallinckrodt to sell the toys.

Unlike most other SU-sponsored clubs, ALA does not actively recruit members.

However, they do welcome interested students.

“We’re out to be a resource for people who need us,” said the group’s co-founder. “We do welcome new members with open arms.”

Currently, the group has about 12 members and is pretty evenly divided by gender.

ALA has held a fi lm screening of “Secretary” and plans to show “Quills” later this year; both are movies that incorporate BDSM and sexuality into their plots. At 8 p.m. on March 2, they will co-sponsor a question and answer panel discussion with Spectrum Alliance in the Women’s Building formal lounge, on a topic yet to be determined.

The members said ALA is an important resource for students, especially because of Missouri age laws. Most bondage clubs and BDSM resources outside campus require members to be over 21.

For underage students, “all we have is each other,” said Traverso.

To students with misconceptions of the group, Traverso has one thing to say: “Show up to the club. See what it’s about and what we spend our money on.”

The Alternative Lifestyle Association meets at 4 p.m. on Sundays in Small House 10 in the conference room.

“Do you guys have orgies?” ALA’s members say they do not engage in sexual activity of any kind during meetings.

scene@studlife.com

Wash U is crawling with virgins!

At least that was what our Sex Poll of 427 undergraduates revealed.

Survey responses were gathered from Mallinckrodt, Whispers Café, Holmes Lounge, the South 40 and the Village.

Q&A When did you lose your virginity?

By Kristin McGrath

44% 27%

Haven’t yet Ages 17-18

11% 15%

Ages 19-22

3%

14 and under

Ages 15-16 BRIAN SOTAK | STUDENT LIFE

Crackdown: Police bust two for drugs

By Rachel Streitfeld Contributing News Editor Police found what they suspect are illegal drugs during a search of two Sigma Nu brothers’ rooms last Thursday morning.

The students allowed Washington University police officers to search their rooms in the Sigma Nu house on Fraternity Row after police approached them around 1 a.m. on Thursday. University police had received a tip from a city police department that prompted the investigation.

“We only asked for consent from two individuals and they consented,” said W UPD Chief Don Strom. “That consent occurred away from the house and they agreed and led officers to the house.”

Police discovered what they believe to be marijuana as well as “other items,” all of which they have submitted to a lab for analysis.

On the University level, the students will be referred to the Judicial Administrator. Their campus housing contracts have been thrown into question, since the two broke the contracts they had signed to live on campus.

W U police also plan to forward the crime report to the city prosecutor’s

office.

Administrators, including the head of Greek Life Karin Johnes and Vice Chancellor for Students Jill Carnaghi, met with the students Friday afternoon.

Both Carnaghi and Johnes declined to comment yesterday on the actions the Greek Life Office had taken and plans to take against the students.

This incident comes just as Greek members have convened a Visioning Committee to provide the Greek community with a specific set of values.

Last semester, the Greek Life Office imposed a two -month moratorium on alcohol for fraternities and sororities, urging Greeks to reexamine their priorities.

As of Friday, University police had not yet received the results of the drug analysis. Strom said police would investigate further to make sure the drug problem was confined to the two students.

news@studlife.com

EMILY TOBIAS | STUDENT LIFE

The Sigma Nu house was the site of a Thursday night drug bust by Washington University police. WUPD says it will forward the results of its investigation to the prosecutor’s office and the judicial administrator.

Cadenza & Scene Editors / Matt Simonton & Sarah Ulrey / cadenza@studlife.com & scene@studlife.com

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

3

STUDENT SEX LIFE

3

EMILY TOBIAS | STUDENT LIFE

is a party

by rachel streitfeld

It started out at a party. Two drunken girls began kissing each other in front of a guy to make his girlfriend jealous. Then they decided two wasn’t enough.

That’s about when “Joe’s” prospects started looking up.

T

hanks in part to steamy HBO serials, explicit advice from “Sex Grandma” Sue Johanson and the carousing coeds of MTV’s “The Real World,” sexual experimentation is shedding its closed-door, taboo status. And students are getting in on the action.

In a 1997 study, researchers Leland Elliot and Cynthia Brantley surveyed college students about engaging in “variations of sexual behavior.” Ten percent of women and 13 percent of males reported having participated in a threesome.

Joe became a statistic early in his college career.

“They started kissing me at the party, and then we came back to my place,” said Joe, a senior whose pride soon overtook his awkwardness at describing his ménage à trois. And why not, he said. “Let’s be honest, every guy wants to.”

Joe asked that his name be changed to protect his reputation—and to keep his new girlfriend from learning about his playboy past.

After Joe and his two girl friends came home, they drank some more. Then one woman slipped off her bra, and everybody started undressing each other.

“Clothes were coming off left and right,” said Joe. Foreplay soon led to more racy behavior.

“We started off having oral sex,” said Joe. “They gave me oral sex together, which was quite nice. And then they proceeded to have oral sex on each other, and I just sat back and watched.”

Then the trio decided to move into the bedroom. One girl asked Joe if he had a video camera. He did.

“I videotaped them for awhile, then [one of the girls] and I had sex for awhile. Then all three of us had sex at one time.”

Joe gave oral sex to one girl while having intercourse with the other—and then they’d trade.

“There are multiple positions that we all did to make it a good time for everyone,” he said.

When pushed to estimate how long the three spent getting it on, Joe said “four or five hours,” with all three reaching orgasm “multiple times.”

As for any awkward silences the next morning, Joe said it wasn’t an issue.

“Not at all. We woke up and we were like, all right, that was cool. We should do that again sometime,” he said. “We hooked up like two or three times after that.”

“We woke up and we were like, all right, that was cool. We should do that again sometime,” he said. “We hooked up like two or three times after that.”

Every manʼs XXX fantasy Joe’s experience seems idyllic. No awkwardness, no messy breakups—in fact, it’s reminiscent of the plot of a pornographic film.

Run-of-the-mill pornography is all about fantasy, said senior Danielle Christmas, a women and gender studies minor.

Christmas has been surfing X-rated Web sites all semester, compiling research for an independent study on pornography.

As viewers, “we never see realistic portrayals of sex in

mainstream pornography,” she said. Instead, pornography deals in the realm of fantasy.

A study by Harold Leitenberg and Kris Henning in 1995 discovered substantial differences between men’s and women’s fantasies about multiple partners. The study suggested men are “more likely” to fantasize about hooking up with multiple partners and playing the dominant role than women are, while women are “more likely” to have submission fantasies.

Senior Keren Lehavot is a women and gender studies major who plans to practice psychology with an emphasis on gender and sexuality issues. She described the “typical” ménage à trois as a pair of women with one man, where the man’s role is central and the women’s roles are defined in relation to the dominant male.

Lehavot did not want to make generalizations about reallife encounters, but she did say that in the vast majority of pornography, sexual pleasure “is all about the man.”

“When you think of sexy threesomes, like mainstream, you always think about girls giving a guy a blow job or a guy being able to fuck two girls,” said Lehavot. “If it’s two males and a female, you think about it like, oh, she’s going to be gangbanged, or get what she deserves. It’s all about power.”

Dr. Mark Schwartz, an expert on human sexuality, works at the Masters and Johnson Clinic in St. Louis. During the 1960s and ‘70s, Masters and Johnson achieved fame by publishing groundbreaking research on human sexuality.

Schwartz highlighted the distinction between intimacy and “recreational sex.”

In today’s “fast-food” society, monogamous sex can get boring for sexual partners, prompting them to draw in a third.

Schwartz said that such behavior is probably not healthy for the relationship.

“The reason it’s unhealthy is implicit in the assumption that you’re not getting your needs met from the other person,” he said. “The other person is not enough.”

Instead of concentrating on “making love,” couples may just be looking to add more stimulation.

But for three friends who stumble into the bedroom after a drunken party, Schwartz said the situation is entirely different.

“That’s recreational sex,” said Schwartz. “Whatever people do for recreational sex is fine. It’s like play. Exotic play is wonderful.”

Outside the realm of pornography, some stereotypes persist, though to a lesser extent. Dr. Schwartz said men talk about threesome fantasies more than women.

“You certainly hear it more in males than you do in females,” said Dr. Schwartz. “Men want two women. With women, it gets complicated.”

For a woman, having sex with another woman brings the word “bisexual” into the equation. And Schwartz said men think of a threesome involving another man as “queer.”

A 2001 study by Thomas Hicks and Harold Leitenberg reinforced the theory that men are more interested in threesomes than women—at least in their fantasies. However, the ménage à trois fantasy holds sway with both sexes. A survey of 349 university students and employees found that 98 percent of men and 80 percent of women had fantasized about having

sex with more than one partner in the past two months.

Several of the comely stars in the HBO hit “Sex in the City” experimented with threesomes. In one episode, the more reserved Miranda set up an interview with a couple looking for a third. As soon as they asked her to join them in bed, however, she fled—satisfied merely by being wanted by the couple.

For women, feeling attractive can be a heady aphrodisiac.

“I do think women can experience it as powerful ‘because two guys desire me,’” said Lehavot.

While several male students argued that the sexiest pornographic threesomes are girl-girl-girl, they generally agreed that, in practice, they’d only consider joining in on the fun if the other participants were both women.

Joe responded vehemently when asked if he’d consider participating in a threesome involving another man.

“No. Definitely not. I don’t want to do that,” said Joe. “I don’t feel that I need to see another guy have sex with a girl in the same room.”

Homosexual threesomes In their study, Leitenberg and Henning also found that homosexual men and women are likely to have fantasies similar to those of their heterosexual counterparts—only the fantasies involve members of their same sex.

Some students said that dynamic did not play out in homosexual pornography.

“The power dynamics are very, very different,” said Lehavot. “It’s much more egalitarian. It’s not about fucking somebody over.”

Christmas said homosexual threesomes are a little further off the radar screen, so they don’t necessarily conform to the power dynamic supported in pop culture.

“When you step outside of that, it becomes more playful,” said Christmas. “It’s more of an exchange of power. It’s more kind of relaxed, less constricted by gender norms at large.”

In lesbian threesomes, the players are free from the phallus-centered sex so dominant in mainstream porn.

The dynamics are different, of course, when the key players are all men.

“That’s pretty much all about the phallus,” said Christmas.

Ruining the friendship Some couples that have considered threesomes worried that living out their fantasy might cost them their relationship. One student lost his best friend after the two had sex with the best friend’s girlfriend.

“I wouldn’t have done it if I had been dating one of [the girls], because there’s more emotional attachment involved,” said Joe. “You’re more willing to try that with friends because there’s less to worry about.”

Joe has stayed friends with the two girls, and the relationship they shared is still cause for excitement.

“We’re all still friends and I still talk to them both. It’s not weird or anything,” said Joe. “We’d still do it again, but one of the girls moved out of town.”

scene@studlife.com

4 STUDENT SEX LIFE

Cadenza & Scene Editors / Matt Simonton & Sarah Ulrey / cadenza@studlife.com & scene@studlife.com

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

THE 1ST ANNUAL

Condom Olympics

By Matt Simonton

H

ow well do you know your condoms? All this time you’ve regarded them as mere mixtures of latex and spermicidal lubricant, annoying but necessary commodities that prevent little versions of you from running around in diapers. The time has come, my friend, to get to know your condoms a little better.

It’s time to test their mettle and see what they’re really made of.

Enter the First Annual Condom Olympics! We culled together some of our favorite condoms, from Durex to Lifestyles to Trojan Magnums (for the heavy hitters among us). Armed with simple household objects, fresh produce and our imaginations, we set out to see what these little suckers could do.

The Cucumber Test We fi rst experimented with a large cucumber, approximately 9 ½ inches in length and 7 ¼ inches in circumfrence. Better to start big than small! One Durex Extra Strength condom (the same as those handed out at Student Health Services) not only managed to squeeze onto this bad boy, but supported its suspended weight. However, there was not much tip room or space left at the base. In order to test the condom’s durability in the act, we used a bagel to simulate whichever orifice you fancy. Unfortunately, the cucumber tore it to ribbons, and we just didn’t have any other holes lying around.

Another condom by the same brand, the Durex Rainbow, eventually broke under the same conditions with the large cucumber. Then, however, came the Trojan Magnum. Not only did it fit quite easily over the deep-girthed cucumber, but it covered it completely, with space left over at the end. This serves quite nicely as a billy club-like weapon, provided that the lube doesn’t make it slip through your hands.

Next, in order to test the condoms on produce that could be deemed “less fortunate” than others (the kind that might be chuckled at in the vegetable locker room), we selected a smaller, pickled cucumber, 4 ¼ inches long and 4 ¾ inches in circumfrence. (That’s approaching choad-like proportions, ladies and gentlemen.) None of the condoms wanted to stay on this particular food item, forcing us to recommend the Lifestyles Snugger Fit brand for cucumbers of this dimension.

MATT SIMONTON | STUDENT LIFE

The Schnucks people looked at Matt and friends funny when checking out their grocery cart.

spaceship together any day of the week. Not so with the Lifestyles Ultra Sensitive brand, which tore much more quickly. The Trojan Non-Lubricated also gave way after much tugging and stretching. Not everyone can be gold medal material!

Alternative Uses for your Condoms Remember that huge batch of condoms you bought at the beginning of the year? Still looking pretty huge, isn’t it? But hey, no worries if your love life didn’t turn out as planned. There are many other uses for the little guys that will save you time and money. Take, for instance, the Lifestyles Warming Pleasure style. Instant handwarmers for a chilly winter’s day! Plus, they’re less clumsy and uncoordinated than big, bulky mittens.

In terms of fashion, condoms are the perfect size to serve as coin purses or containers for similarly small items. Need to come up with exact change at Mallinckrodt? You got it. Similarly, condoms can be a great, easy way to protect your cell phone from the harsh elements. Just slip one over your Nokia, and it’s thin enough to allow talking and listening, but thick enough to keep out dirt and rainwater. (You’d better hope your condoms are waterproof, at any rate.) As a tip, avoid all lubricated brands if you don’t want to cover your face in spermicide every time you answer the phone.

Finally, condoms are perfect for parties. Strewing them around your dorm room, in addition to being decorative and colorful, will also aid several of your partygoers at the end of the night when it’s time to hit the sack. If you really want to go the extra mile, though, blow one rubber up with many others inside it, and you’ve got a bona fide piñata on your hands.

Gold Medal: Durex Extra Strength Silver Medal: Lifestyles Ultra Lubricated

MATT SIMONTON | STUDENT LIFE

The Durex-wrapped large cucumber seconds before penetrating an awaiting bagel.

Bronze Medal: Trojan Extended Pleasure

The Stretching Test Next, we decided to test the endurance of our prophylactics by a simple stretching test. Using an 18-inch ruler, we stretched the condoms to see how far they could go. In almost every case the condoms stretched well beyond our measuring capabilities, so then the objective became to simply wrestle with them like deadly pythons until they fi nally gave way. Easier said than done! That same Durex Extra Strength, for example, simply would not break. Perhaps our Cadenza arms are flaccid and weak after so many hours of writing CD reviews and drinking cheap beer, but the Durex overpowered us. NASA needs to use these things in their research and development—they’d hold a

We hope you’ve enjoyed our assessment of the various condom brands and their extracurricular functions. They’re in plentiful supply at Student Health Services, so grab a handful and do with them what you will, whether it’s their traditional purpose or any number of household arts and crafts. Condoms: the only object more useful than the Q-tip.

MATT SIMONTON | STUDENT LIFE

cadenza@studlife.com

“Yeah, I know it’s raining outside, but my cell phone’s wearing protection!”

The official guide to faking an orgasm Gal’s version

Guy’s version

By Susannah Cahalan

By Tyler Weaver

Contributing Reporter

Cadenza Editor

Every girl’s been there. After his several unsuccessful attempts at the Big O, it’s obvious that it’s just not going to happen. When the “elevator button” hand move and the inand-out, in-and-out doesn’t work (and will never work), there’s a way out of the situation without chafi ng and numbness. Save him some embarrassment and let another girl guide him by following these easy steps to the feigned orgasm.

Every guy’s been there. You’re three, four hours into satisfying your woman with a flow of steady sexual prowess, but you’re a mite worn out and haven’t yet had your fun. Many girls (so many) will feel inadequate and dull if they fi nd they couldn’t bring their man to climax, so you’re left with an unsavory option—faking it.

No worries, gentleman. It’s a path we’ve all taken, some almost every time. There’s no shame in it; no blame for your partner, either. Guys can be tricky to please, and communication is always the key to mutual sexual satisfaction. But just in case you fi nd yourself in a bind, Cadenza got some classy tips to make the performance almost Oscar-worthy.

1) Be Prepared Three objects should always be on your nightstand: water, blush and eye drops. A self respecting orgasm faker is never without these essentials. Also, practicing your scales—”do, re, mi” —and your kegels, otherwise known as vagina tightening exercises, is important.

2) Be Sneaky Choose the precise moment when he’s most enraptured with pleasure and you’re just fed up. Apply water to forehead (and wherever else you need some hydration), blot blush around checks and chest area, and fi nally put eye drops in to get that glazed, I’m so turned on, look. When he seems near climax begin the kegels, which closely mimic the contracting of the vaginal muscles close to orgasm. Finally, break out your best soprano and your inner actress. Don’t hold back: The harder you yell, the sooner it will be over.

3) Be Needy First off, insist on cuddling with him after “you fi nish.” Right as he’s about to fall asleep, begin the questions: “Have you had any serious relationships?” “How many people have you slept with?”

“Where is this going?” and if it’s really bad, “Do you love me?” After this, you’ll never have to fake another orgasm with him again.

1) “Gateway” to Deception Arching your back is always a fi ne sign of ejaculatory delight, and makes as well for quite the erotic visual. Don’t be afraid to research this technique; you’ll never fi nd more accurate orgasms than in porn, so jump on the Net and take proper notes.

BRIAN SOTAK | STUDENT LIFE

2) “Mmm-mmm”—Good!

You don’t want to oversell your fake pleasure with throaty histrionics, but you’ll hardly wish to leave your lady feeling unappreciated. Try some gentle “mms,” like you’re Santa with his milk and cookies, then slowly build, at least once including your partner’s Christian name. (Or other denominational equivalent.)

3) The Final Act Here comes the tricky part. If you’re being proper and wearing a condom, no problem—just rip that sucker off and throw it as far as gravity allows (although perhaps not TOO far—remember, you’re “exhausted”). For those last-minute, spur-of-the-moment, unprotected moments of lust, however, it may be best to explain away your lack of prominent fi nish by revealing a hidden wealth of knowledge vis-à-vis the mystic art of tantra. A holy, ancient Eastern practice that has since been adopted by Westerners in order to gain sexual braggadocio or to make fun of Sting, tantra espouses the art of orgasm without ejaculation. Do your homework and you should be in the clear!

cadenza@studlife.com

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

Cadenza & Scene Editors / Matt Simonton & Sarah Ulrey / cadenza@studlife.com & scene@studlife.com

The Worst Places on Campus to Have Sex

STUDENT SEX LIFE

5

The Best Places on campus to Have Sex

By Robbie Gross

By Sherief Gaber

Staff Reporter

Staff Reporter

The “Best Places to Have Sex” lists are by now too obvious and too clichéd. We all know the virtues of doing the nasty in the Quad or the butterfly garden, on top of Brookings or the Crow Hall Observatory. Sex location theoreticians have long noted that to have sex itself is largely a good thing, and so long as the location is accommodating in one way or the other, all will go swimmingly. The true concern is those places that are fundamentally not conducive to having sex—those places that should be avoided at all costs in the name of both the integrity of the sex and the health of its constituents. Here are the top five worst places to have sex on campus:

1. The Pipe Organs at Graham Chapel. Oh, come now, tell me it hasn’t crossed your mind. The pipe organs at Graham Chapel are a marvelous lay, for men and women both. Granted, the height might be an obstacle to some, but with a little intrepidity and some basic climbing gear nothing is impossible.

Different-sized pipes allow you to customize your experience to your own unique preference (I’m partial to the middle C), and what could be more romantic than stained glass lighting accents? Don’t let the religious aspect fool you or put you off; Graham seems a bit prudish and pious, but think of it like the Catholic schoolgirl of Wash U—underneath the religious trappings, it’s a real go-getter. Once you warm up to it (literally—that metal can get cold), there’s no turning back, so let the chapel’s resplendent organ get acquainted with your own, and make some beautiful music together.

1. The Stacks. Once upon a time the massive University library was as much known for fornication as it was for erudition. The stacks were the most romanticized of sex spots: fi nding that rarely used far corner of Level B and making sweet love under the shadows of Norwegian literature journals. Oh, how times have changed. The shiny new renovations to Olin Library have not only rendered the stacks less romantic but have made them quite deadly. Imagine a beautiful young couple, their copulation intensified by the fear that someone might catch them—when suddenly the shelves around them begin to rumble. Is it merely the echo of their intercourse, or is it the preliminary sounds of their imminent death? Suddenly, the shelf to their left begins to move, closer and closer to their impassioned bodies. Once crying out in ecstasy, they now scream in terror as their bodies are crushed by the moveable stacks, all because of an unwitting comparative lit grad student searching for commentary on Henrik Ibsen.

2. The Path from Graham Chapel to the Athletic Center. There are few more picturesque paths on campus than the historic straightaway between our great Chapel and the old AC. One can only imagine the bliss of two lovers making stains on a bed of autumnal scarlet leaves, nestled between the Gothic buttresses of our two fi nest buildings. But wait! There’s something there, and it’s coming out of the pavement! Are there two phalluses ascending from two large symmetrical holes, or do my eyes deceive me? What can they be? Anyone on this campus who has seen two black poles shoot like great balls of fi re from the ground to serve as guard posts for traffic—just the kind featured on this path—knows exactly just how lugubrious things could get should you unknowingly choose to have sex on such a location. One kind of impalement will quickly be replaced by another, and you may die a painful death as the huge black pole drives its way into your body.

3. Francis Field. Life, unfortunately, is not always a cute, college-based romantic comedy. As much as anyone has ever fantasized about making love under the stadium lights (where legends are made), the truth of the matter is that the field’s new turf is simply not safe. Researchers at the University’s School of Medicine have found that the new turf is not safer than the older turf at reducing the risk of concussion. Until the new turf can be proven safe for both athletics and lust, Francis Field will be stuck on this list of ignominy.

4. South 40 Fitness Center. For many sexually promiscuous couples, voyeurism can be exhilarating, though one must surely draw the line at this human zoo. It’s one thing to be seen by half of the school dripping in sweat, pumping your arms to the rhythm of the elliptical trainer, and quite another to be seen dripping in sweat, pumping your body to the rhythms of love.

5. Student Health and Counseling Services. Some might consider making love in the safe, friendly confi nes of Student Health to be a good thing. Most, however, will likely fi nd it discomforting to have sex amidst dozens of posters warning you of the dozens of dangers of sex. All the condoms, all the warnings, all the cleanliness … to have safe sex is good sex, yes, but to have good sex with the threat of syphilis and chlamydia fresh in your mind is rather unlikely.

$

ATTENTION

$

Healthy Adult Men & Women Looking for Tuition Assistance?

Would You Like to Study and Get Paid for it?

2. Your Roommateʼs Bed. Granted, this isn’t a specific place, but it’s somewhere that everyone knows.

You’ve had your eye on it, you pass by it daily: those soft, curvy pillows, the smooth sheets, the springy body and solid craftsmanship, how could you miss it? Chances are the two of you have accidentally brushed against one another in passing already, and there’s nothing like a little bit of prior sexual tension to make the experience all the more worthwhile. Also, chances are that bed’s seen more than a few occupants, and an experienced partner can never hurt. Logistically, creative arrangement of sheets and other linens makes your roommate’s bed another good male or female choice. With your roommate on campus for classes for the day, break out those Al Green mp3s on your computer and get ready for a wild ride. There’s nothing your roommate’s bed will say no to once you’ve got it alone.

3. Parking Services Building. Because after that second or third ticket, you just want to fuck ‘em.

4. The Observatory in Crow Hall. Hans Lippershey (c. 1570–c. 1619) of Holland is often credited with the invention of the telescope, and Galileo was the fi rst to bring it to astronomy. Optical telescopes, like the one on the roof of Crow Hall, use curved glass lenses to refract and magnify light, and, by virtue of the six-inch (!) refractor in our telescope, it is possible to see the moon and planets of our solar system in good detail, with deep-space objects visible on clearer nights. That telescope’s sounding pretty damn sexy right about now...real sexy. Who doesn’t like a night under the stars? And there’s no better way to stargaze than through a beautiful telescope like this one—it’s practically irresistible. So bring a bottle of your favorite wine, and drop by around 7 or 8 sometime this spring.

5. January Tunnel. With more pipes and holes than just about anyone can handle, January Tunnel, between Duncker Hall and January Hall, allows for some fantastic innovation and enough variety to ensure you’ll never get bored. Quiet and secluded, the tunnel doesn’t get much use, but don’t get discouraged—the January Tunnel is a singular experience. Fulfi ll your darkest goth/industrial fetishes with the dimly lit, macabre atmosphere of the tunnel, and indulge your BDSM fantasies.

Top Ten Pickup Lines It’s Valentine’s Day. You’re alone again. It’s time to assume control of your life. The next time you spot a hottie who piques your interest, get out there and introduce yourself! Better yet, use that opportunity to try one of these arbitrarily chosen top-ten pickup lines. For the record, I make no guarantees. Almost all of these pickup lines have been handpicked from that fascinating place called the Internet.

7. If I told you that you were beautiful, would you take off your clothes and dance naked?

10. Hi, I’d really like to use your thighs as earmuffs.

3. (As he or she is leaving): Hey, aren’t you forgetting something? Me!

9. Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see!

2. If I compliment your body, will you hold it against me?

8. (After spilling a beverage): I’m so sorry! Let me help clean that off you. (Pause.) So, what’s your name?

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5. Your mouth looks awfully kissable.

4. Can I flirt with you?

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There’s no excuse not to reap the rewards. Join the Reader’s Choice Book Club Today! *Text, law and medical reference books excluded.

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More than just textbooks.

6 STUDENT SEX LIFE

Cadenza & Scene Editors / Matt Simonton & Sarah Ulrey / cadenza@studlife.com & scene@studlife.com

SEX TOYS

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

SEX TOYS

Fun in the dorms Junior Slopes Sex Toys:

By Susannah Cahalan Contributing Reporter Do you have too much dignity to lower your standards to fi nally get the orgasm you deserve?

Ashamed to buy a vibrator in your local Sex ToysR-Us? Too lazy to walk to Bear’s Den to get that sought-after cucumber? For all the females alone this Valentine’s Day, the pleasures you so crave are available around the average dorm room.

Bunny Hill Vibrators: The Electric Toothbrush Practical and portable, the electric toothbrush is greatest of all makeshift vibrators. It’s the perfect beginner’s tool—the breadth of its base is the size of a medium-sized banana (something we all can handle) and the vibrating sensation mimics that of any top-of-the-line sex toy. Also, the volume of the buzzing is polite; you don’t have to worry about waking the neighbors.

The Cell Phone The outdated, two- pound Nokia now has a whole new purpose. The texture and the intense vibrating power of this little machine satisfy any desire.

The plastic buttons work far better than any ribbed condom to hit the hard-to-reach gspot. Make sure to put the phone on its highest vibrating power, dial everyone in your phonebook and just wait for the returned calls. Never before has a “Happy Valentine’s Day” call felt so good.

The Curling Iron Let’s face it, curling irons went out in the ‘80s, but their new purpose has more staying power.

The shape, width, and hand grips at the bottom make for an easy and enjoyable experience. However, if you want to add heat to your fi re, plug in the iron for a few seconds—it’s far superior to KY warming jelly. Warning: test curling iron on wrist before use, unplug and enjoy!

The Shampoo Bottle: If large diameter is what gets you hot, there’s nothing as good as the shampoo bottle.

However, bottles come in all shapes in sizes, so pick one that appeals to your needs. I suggest Pantene Pro-V’s shampoo for extra dry hair.

Just make sure to clean off any residual shampoo (or conditioner) from the bottle.

For Only:

Professionals

The Happy Lamp There’s a reason why the Happy Lamp, the most phallic of all floor lamps, is so cheerful.

The lamp, which clears about four feet, has a rotating head atop a long cylindrical base.

The pliable neck can position the head into any sexual position in Cosmo’s Guide to Kama Sutra. To avoid electrocution, burns and abrasions, unplug the lamp and remove light bulbs before use.

Getting more bang for your buck Sex toys—label them scandalous, fi nd them satisfying, term them downright scary or simply call them a stimulating Saturday night. From vibrator virgins to cock ring connoisseurs, we have a few ways to bring the dorm room and play room a bit closer together. Instead of scouring the campus for that special someone, a quick trip down the sex toy aisle can suffice for a very happy Valentine’s Day. A brush with fame on “Sex and the City” has made the Rabbit ($49.95) a costly little critter that is a best seller at local stores. Robin Light, owner of sex toy store Heffalumps, couldn’t keep the Rabbit from hopping off the shelves the day after the “Sex and the City” episode premiered.

“The girls who use it swear by it,” said Light.

The design, meant to stimulate all areas, has given both Miranda and women around the country something to scream about.

For those who scream at the price tag, Light suggests the Bullet ($6.95)—a no frills, no nonsense ovular shaped vibrator that can be either inserted or used for clitoral stimulation.

While the Rabbit may not do much for males, girls defi nitely don’t get all the fun in the sex toy department. Most popular purchases among guys, according to Light, are penis pumps and cock rings. Penis pumps serve a plethora of purposes, from increasing size to enhancing erections.

Conversely, the cock ring has a single function: lengthening the duration of an erection by lessening the blood flow to the penis. But while females may swear by a certain stimulator, she noted that guys aren’t too picky and usually go for “whatever happens to be in stock.”

If the couple that plays together stays together, then the Sensual Lover’s Ring ($12.99) will give a relationship all the endurance it needs. This

What do you think is the most overrated sexual act?

By Erin Fults Martin “K-Mart” Abel

Staff Reporter

“Talking to the girl.”

Matt Adler, freshman “Hand jobs. Guys may like it, but it is overrated and girls just don’t know what to do. In the appropriate context, I guess it’s okay for foreplay, just don’t let it be the end-all, be-all of your sexual experience. And if you’re going to do it, you have to fi nish it off. Circumcision can make a difference, too. In the end, guys are just better at it because we know what we want. But a tip to the girls out there—your four fi ngers should go on the bottom. And if you get bored, just put your mouth on it, but watch out for herpes.”

ring combines her vibrator and his cock ring into a toy that both girls and boys can enjoy.

If the thought of a vibrator still sends chills up your spine, Light has a few tips to overcome sex toy trepidation. For fi rst-time buyers, she suggests, “Come in, don’t be shy because we do know what to sell. Just make it as fun as you can.”

The Flipside of Pop Culture

By Tyler Weaver

Greetings, old celebrity crush Courteney Cox – Ah, my fi rst real, solid, starry-eyed celebrity love. I was 11 when I saw you in the great “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective,” and not long afterwards followed the immortal role of Monica on my long-beloved “Friends.” Eventually, you would grow shrill, marry David Arquette and sport a face that looked like shrink-wrap skin pulled over a skull. In those early, pre-adolescent days, however, you were the tart, fresh-faced object of my loyal affection. We called you “Courteney Fox.” Indeed.

Rachel Meltzer, freshman “Hickies, because they feel good, sure, but it’s just too much embarrassment for what it’s worth.”

David Freedman, freshman “Hand jobs. Ask any guy and he will tell you that. If you want a job done properly, sometimes you have to do it yourself.”

Seen a suspicious female prowling Bear’s Den or the Quad with camera and notepad in hand, asking probing sexual questions? Please do not be alarmed. Many were intimidated by such personal questions and declined an official interview. There were, however, many interesting off-the-record responses:

RANDOM DOODLES

by Brian Sotak

“Oral sex.”

“I have a girlfriend, and that’s just too fine of a line to walk.”

“French-kissing.”

Rogue – It’s a miracle my mind wasn’t warped by years spent reading comics full of preposterous female bodies clad in formenhancing spandex. My love for the X-Men’s resident southern belle, though, was (well, largely) innocent. Who wouldn’t want to hear that soft, lemonade drawl refer to them warmly as “Sugah”?

That whole inability to touch was a bit of a drag, and—good enough though Anna Paquin was—the movie didn’t quite capture the appeal. Ah, well. You’ll always hold a place in my inked and colored heart, chère.

Gwen Stefani – I’ll never understand that fact that you married quite possibly the lamest rock star in the history of lame rock stars (excluding Scott Stapp), but you will always be special for introducing me to the beauty of blondes. My tastes have always skewed to the brunetter end of the spectrum, but your peroxide hue and increasingly sexy style was too much too resist. We never really got that deep, but then again, you’ve got horrible taste in guys, apparently. I can’t say I’m all that hurt.

Sarah McLachlan – Oh, man. Never before or since have I taken such heat for directing my affections at a famous pretty girl. No one seemed to get the genuine gorgeousness of my home country’s piano chanteuse, but they must have been blind, as those Sarah eyes are a gift from very, very high above. The short hair always got me, too, even though I generally dig the full mane—and who gives a damn if no one understood. You’re my angel, Sarah; in some ways, you always will be.

Kate Winslet – I’d just like to note that all the people who thought I was crazy for gawking at the “Titanic” star are now slobbering idiots for “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.”

Michelle Branch – Michelle, my Michelle, things were oh-sobeautiful until you posed for Maxim and wedded your pushing40 bassist. What happened to us? Where did you lose your way?

It could’ve been sweet; if I wanted to, you’d have saved me—I’d’ve been everywhere to you. I suppose, I guess, it was not to be, so farewell. Enjoy outliving your husband by two decades.

Norah Jones – Just because you’re funny, talented, sweet, sarcastic, lovely, gorgeous, relaxed and down-to-earth. Y’know, just a few things.

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

Cadenza & Scene Editors / Matt Simonton & Sarah Ulrey / cadenza@studlife.com & scene@studlife.com

STUDENT SEX LIFE

7

An excursion of perversion: Sex sites on the Web

By Sarah Ulrey Senior Scene Editor The best things in life are free and these porn sites are too. The Sublime Directory, at www.sublimedirectory.com, and Tommy’s Bookmarks, at tommys-bookmarks.com, are two all-purpose porn directories that will take you in any direction you care to go. Need a storyline? Scroll down the Sublime Directory and check out We Live Together, a site about lesbian roommates (yeah, right) or investigate The M.I.L.F. Hunter: “Come see your mom!” For short movies give www.sexoasis.com or www.hotfunhouse.com a try. You might have to do a bit of fancy clicking to avoid ugly people or people who look suspiciously underage. These sites are mainly geared towards heterosexual men, and link titles tend toward being offensive to women. Browser beware.

Coolio’s Babes: Man’s Tribute to Women, at babes.coolios.net, is less about sex and more about pictures of attractive nude women.

Some of the pictures are tasteful; most are not. But it’s a relatively safe site for a beginner and it’s free.

But why limit your collection to the free sites? Make sure Mom and Pop don’t see those credit card bills and step over the line between porn amateur and porn connoisseur with www.xxxkey.com,

www.inthevip.com and www.adultbouncer.com. All three require you to buy a membership. They aren’t free, but you’ll have access to many more sites, clips and longer movies that your cheap self has ever had before. And truly, who can put a price on sexual pleasure?

Never mind.

Sure, every site claims to have exotic photos, but to be truly exotic, give French porn a try at www.stars-maculines-nues.com.

It’s a French site for gay men, but regardless of sexual orientation, visitors will enjoy the free nude photos of Brad Pitt and other celebrities. See Brad read the paper nude, eat breakfast nude and even play with his nipple. Seriously. Many of the links take you to a pay page, but keep clicking that back button and you’ll fi nd a plethora of free nude pictures of male celebrities. Oh yeah, the site is all in French. But navigation isn’t a problem. The two years of a romance language that you took in high school should be enough to avoid divulging your credit card number to some webmaster in Paris.

Let’s face it, sometimes the people in porn are so ugly that it doesn’t matter how good they are at what they do. For relief from the reality of the human body, log on to www.condoms.au.com/ condom_frame.htm. With attractive animations demonstrating sex positions, this site is porn training wheels. Follow the sex education link on the left hand side of the screen and check out moves

Mood-setting songs to get down to

such as “The Persuading of the Debtor,” in which a man holds a woman’s legs over his shoulders “to empty her pockets of small change.” Few will be shocked and most will get a laugh from the names of the positions and the sounds emitted from the cartoon participants.

When you get tired of watching other people and cartoons have sex, log on to www.talksexwithsue.com and gather concrete tips for your own sex life. Sue Johanson is a Canadian sex doctor who shares her knowledge with millions of Canadians, Brazilians and Americans through her weekly show, “Talk Sex with Sue Johanson.” Her site offers advice on sexual positions, books, movies, toys and loads of information on sexual health and pleasure. Take her online quiz, read about Kegel exercises or discuss the relationship between sex and politics in an online forum.

Unless someone is reading aloud to you right now, your understanding of this article demonstrates your ability to read. Continue expanding your vocabulary with some online reading material at www.literotica.com. These stories are a lot more fun than reading your $800 biology text book and they are pretty hot, too. The site is void of pictures, so use your imagination.

scene@studlife.com

The hipster guide to great sex

By Susannah Cahalan and Tyler Weaver Cadenza Staff “Short People,” Randy Newman Really, any song by Oscar darling Randy makes for appropriate lovemaking accompaniment, but this immortal paean to the plight of little folk (“Short people got no reason to live”) oozes heat and erotic urgency the way few other tracks—Newman or not—have managed since.

“Whatʼs Going On,” Marvin Gaye The obvious choice for a sexy Marvin Gaye song is…well, incredibly obvious, but the political urgency of “What’s Going On” (along with the two New York Jets who provide cooing backup harmonies) far outweighs the lusty wishes of “Let’s Get It On.” Imagine the plight of the urban underdeveloped as you move in time with a lover, and your stamina never will fade.

“Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey,” Paul and Linda McCartney Most are quick to label Paul a sappy balladeer, author of songs better suited to the parlor than the boudoir. This classic slice of foppish desire, however, has just the tempo and upbeat rhythm to raise your swankiest, sweatiest relations to a new peak.

“The butter wouldn’t melt / So I put it in the pie?” Oooh, daddy.

“Hava Nagila,” Traditional If thoughts of seventh grade Bat Mitzvahs don’t get you hot, I don’t know what will. Braces, frizzy hair, gawky grinding bodies and, of course, middle aged people dancing the hora, are the perfect ambiance to provide to your next sexual encounter.

“We are the World,” USA for Africa Wacko Jacko and starving prepubescent children: way too sexy for words.

“Rise and Shine,” Traditional The quintessential Christian camp song, “Rise and Shine” is the ideal accompaniment to your Valentine’s Day intercourse. You can give each other “your glory, glory” all night long.

“Wind beneath My Wings,” Bette Midler It’s true, Bette Midler is wonderful any time of year, but she’s extra special around Valentine’s Day. You can laugh, cry and ejaculate all in the course of four minutes. Don’t forget the “Happy Hands Club” version.

“She Thinks My Tractorʼs Sexy,” Kenny Chesney Bump and grind to the country beats of the always endearing Kenny Chesney. With just one word, he replaces your bedroom with a tractor trailer. Plus, who doesn’t want to have sex in whitewashed jeans?

By Tyler Weaver Cadenza Editor Everybody has sex. For hipsters, isn’t that just the problem? Our primal, carnal instincts drive us to intercourse, but the engagement in it by so many people makes it far too arbitrary to enjoy. Our hip friends are iconoclasts by nature, and so here we offer a few off-the-beaten-path sexual suggestions for the tight T-shirted set.

Try doing it fully clothed. Nudity is overrated, isn’t it?

Like that favorite band who gets a hit and suddenly loses all its luster, the act of shedding one’s clothes to get off has proliferated far beyond the reach of unique. So keep that Interpol ringer on, and only drop the vintage jeans far enough to get the action on. Actually, additional layers may ensure even greater a level of hip: Try shimmying down in a parka, two scarves and four pairs of aviator sunglasses.

Use horn-rimmed condoms. Latex and safety are necessary evils, for even the most daring CMJ trendsetter. But why play to societal norms for the protection of your piece? Stylish horn-rimmed prophylactics allow for both prevention and a statement of individuality: “Look, world, I’ll do what you deem NECESSARY, but I’ll do it in a style you can’t possibly handle.” If so inclined, as well, use ill-fitting rubbers to avoid the perils of conformity.

Donʼt kiss. Kissing is for romantic sadsacks who probably listen to John Mayer between marathons of reality TV. Try scowling at your partner while engaging in the act of love, or even adopt the visage of indifference with which you approach most any other task. Hey, maybe the hard-to-please attitude will rev up your eventual orgasm.

Make your own hot talk. Physical reactions being what they are, most people are driven to plebeian moans and utterances throughout the course of relations. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to prevent any expression of sound, but twist the involuntary to your own artistry by purring some real sweet somethings. “I’m born inside this moment,” for example, or the thoughtful “You and I in the now are insular.”

Shake post-coital hands. Cuddling. Pshaw. Affection is beyond those of such mindsets as your own. Try a fi rm handshake, sans any lame adornment, and for God’s sake, let that be the end of it. Having sex more than once is so “Room on Fire.”

Sex Quiz: What kind of lover are you?

By Cory Schneider Associate Editor Directions: Circle the letter of the statement that best applies to you. When you’ve finished, use the answer key to find your love destiny.

1. Youʼre in the Millbrook Garage elevator with the secret crush of your dreams. Suddenly, the elevator gets stuck in between floors and WUPD has its hands full mopping up another sewage leak in Wohl. Left to your own devices, you…

A. Make sure your chastity belt is strapped on tight.

B. Pull out the emergency picnic basket you have in cases just like these—fully loaded with candles and sensual oils. Spread out the goodies you’ve packed, and set the scene with a little Kenny G. C. Get it on. Get it on, again. Compare notes.

D. Chain your crush to the side handle and brandish your whip from your patent leather undies.

Don’t forget the mask!

2. What are the contents of your bedside drawer?

A. A stun gun to fight off potential hooligans.

B. A secret shrine to the guy/girl you’ve never talked to in Chem Lab but plan to any day now.

C. A vibrator/lubricant for when your hookup buddy isn’t answering the phone.

D. Inflatable doll with seven working orifices.

3. The first time someone told you they loved you, you replied: A. “Love means never having to say I’ll compromise my Philistine-like values. Keep your distance, buddy.”

B. You could barely breathe through all the tears, but you smiled back and whispered, “It was meant to be.”

C. You spat on them in disgust and walked out, grabbing your clothes from the ground on the way.

D. “Get on your knees; we’ve got work to do.”

4. To what song do you most like to get it on?

A. If by “get it on” you mean hold hands and enjoy each other’s sweet company, then it’s “Can You Feel the Love Tonight?” for me!

B. Oh, any song from Celine’s “Greatest Hits” will do.

C. The soundtrack from last weekend’s frat party.

D. Bondage music, or Britney’s “I’m a Slave 4 U,” if all else fails.

5. Your close friends would describe you as…

A. Unsullied.

B. Sickeningly saccharine.

C. Party monster.

D. I don’t permit my friends to talk when I’m not in my bondage gear.

6. Where are you most likely to meet your next steady?

A. Church/Synagogue/Mosque, or at the ceremony for your arranged marriage.

B. On your tour of the Wash U campus before you even matriculated.

C. At Student Health, where you’re getting your weekly STD testing.

D. At the regular Wash U Spank meetings.

7. The Valentineʼs Day present youʼre most likely to give is...

A. A pamphlet of Jessica Simpson’s most inspirational quotes on waiting until marriage.

B. A heart-shaped box of chocolates and a book containing Shakespeare’s most romantic sonnets.

C. Oral sex and a high five.

D. A new pair of handcuffs to complete the police officer ensemble your partner’s perfecting.

8. The A. B. C. D.

Valentineʼs Day present youʼd most like to receive is...

A homemade journal in which to keep my impure thoughts.

A proposal and a set wedding date at Graham Chapel.

Oral sex and a high five.

Some new leather chaps and a gift certificate to your local sex shop.

9. Your dream lover is…

A. Saving him/herself for me while helping out the victims of the recent Tsunami crisis.

B. Currently waiting for me somewhere on a sandy beach, ready to start a life of loving joy together.

C. Ha! I’ve probably already done her/him, as well as every other person this side of SLU. D. Waiting on my swing at home.

10. Youʼve arrived to class early and have those seven extra minutes to wait. You sit down next to the guy/girl youʼve been checking out, and you…

A. Pass out flyers for the next “Waiting for The One” support group you’ll be leading.

B. Frantically scribble a love note to your intended and then paste their pictures all over your notebook in a collage.

C. Unbutton your shirt and hit on your teacher. Screw the person you’ve been checking out, you’ve already screwed them.

D. Break out the duct tape, secure them to the desk and do a lap dance.

Mostly As: You’re a great lover—or at least you plan to be one day. You have faith that sex is going to be great on your wedding night, and then on the rare occasions when you’ll come together with your spouse to procreate. Get real, honey. You’re just hiding behind this virginal thing to avoid getting out of there and meeting that special saint.

Mostly Bs: You’re a lover in the most classic sense. Classically foolish. Get your head out of the clouds, because while your fat ass is eating the chocolates you’re buying to give to your potential mate, Mr. or Ms. Right is walking right by you, cringing.

Mostly Cs: You’re a lover, all right—for five minutes, that is. You don’t like to be tied down (unlike the Mostly Ds), but slow down and you might fi nd someone who lasts. For ten minutes, at least.

Mostly Ds: You’re a lover and a fighter. You’re not afraid to show people your freaky side, and that’s okay, as long as no one gets hurt. You’re willing to take on many roles in your relationships, including French maid, English butler, fi refighter, and cowboy. Keep your eyes open and you just might fi nd the person who wants to settle down with you in the dungeon of your dreams.

8 STUDENT SEX LIFE

Cadenza & Scene Editors / Matt Simonton & Sarah Ulrey / cadenza@studlife.com & scene@studlife.com

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

The ins and outs of international sexual culture

By Angela Markle Staff Reporter Sex is a major topic of discussion on college campuses acros the U.S.—with friends, over Sunday morning brunch, even during class.

From who did what, when and with whom, to theories of gender equality and whether or not sex in the media is degrading, Americans can’t seem to shut up about sex.

But let’s not forget that we are also a product of our Puritan ancestors, who suppressed every semblance of sexuality and sexual exploration they detected, denouncing it as sinful and immoral.

In a culture that retains both the strict ideals of sexual morality that our forefathers brought over in 1620 and the mind-numbing explicitness of modern film and media, it’s hard to tell where we stand on issues about sexual exploration and monogamous relationships—not to mention the ever-popular intoxicated hookup.

But what do other cultures say about this juicy topic? Are we prudish Puritans or balls-out nymphomaniacs when compared to the rest of the world?

International students Defne Dinler of Turkey, Calvin Pang of Hong Kong and Volkner Fleogel of Germany weighed in on hot topics from ranging from hookups to the acceptance of homosexuality.

It may seem like we can’t stop talking about sex, but Floegel was surprised by our lack of sexual advertisement.

“I don’t know if [sex] is done more in Germany, but it’s talked about more,” said Floegel. “If you look at TV advertisements, especially after 10 or 11 p.m., they’re all sex-line ads, and I don’t see that here.”

In the U.S., some people want serious, committed relationships, while others prefer emotionless contact with “friends with benefits” or on a weekend rendezvous.

Dinler, a sophomore, felt that in America it is more acceptable to explore less-structured contact than it is in Turkey.

“You couldn’t have a one-night stand without being [insulted] in Turkey,” said Dinler. “I guess Americans are very open.”

Pang, also a sophomore, agreed.

“I don’t think people really care whether you’re in a longterm relationship…people are chill,” said Pang, who, like Dinler, has found that Americans don’t feel obligated to settle down in a relationship.

“I think in American colleges it’s pretty much the idea of hooking up, as opposed to real relationships,” said Dinler.

“In other places, like in Asia, people opt for dating because it’s more long-term.”

Floegel was not sure whether German students were comfortable in casual relationships.

“Those who are between 15 and 18 are a different generation,” said Floegel. “It’s probably more acceptable for them [to have casual relationships]. But I think it changes as people get older and relationships become more important.”

Even within serious relationships, it seems that Americans are perhaps less committed than some other cultures are. Dinler expressed surprise at how long it takes students here to settle down. “[In Turkey], a boyfriend will always be holding a girl’s hand,” said Dinler. “There’s a lot more possessiveness, and definitely a lot more jealousy…People don’t see multiple people at the same time. The possessiveness starts from the very beginning. There’s nothing like a ‘sex buddy.’ We don’t have open relationships.”

Dinler also feels that it takes longer for Americans to become “officially” boyfriend and girlfriend, whereas in Turkey it becomes official after a date or two.

The prevalence of sexual contact and the lack of platonic physical contact are other things Dinler has noticed.

Smell of sweat, urine may enhance sex appeal WU scientists link pheromones to frequency of sexual activity

“In Turkey there’s more nonsexual interaction,” Dinler said. “I’m guessing that since the U.S. is such a wide country, personal space is pretty wide here. Whereas coming from a small county, our personal space is a lot smaller, and we like physical contact...It’s a very reassuring thing that we have.”

Lately, homosexuality has been a major point of debate in America. While all three agreed that it was a big issue here, they didn’t think it was similarly debated in other places.

Pang felt that things were fairly open in the U.S. for individuals, despite the influence of certain fundamentalist groups.

“I think in America…you can do whatever you want, whereas in Asia there’s more of a taboo culture,” he said.

“Teenagers in Asia are getting more rebellious in their sexual culture, but I think it varies from country to country.”

According to Dinler, life is different for homosexuals in Europe.

“In Europe, I would say they’re more open-minded, and they really don’t care that much. However, in Turkey, it’s a subject that’s preferred not to be discussed,” said Dinler.

“You can see men arm in arm or holding hands, but that doesn’t mean they’re gay. There’s the machismo, but there is also a physical closeness that doesn’t mean anything sexual.”

According to Floegel, homosexuality is not very shocking in Germany.

“I think in our generation, [homosexuality] is getting more acceptable, but maybe not for my parents’ generation,” said Floegel. “But it’s not really a hot topic there like it is here.”

Germany is also more accepting of government leaders’ “atypical” lifestyles.

“We have two mayors of huge cities—I think Berlin and Hamburg—who are homosexual,” said Floegel. “They’re accepted, and they’re liked.”

Porn parodies we’d like to see

By Adam Summerville and Matt Simonton Cadenza Staff

By Peter Turnbaugh Contributing Reporter Can’t manage to lure any girls home to your dorm room? Frustrated that your crush won’t ask you out for Valentine’s Day? Don’t worry: someday you may be able to trick them into loving submission by your scent—no insane workout schedules or two-inch skirts required.

Researchers in Professor Timothy Holy’s laboratory at the University’s School of Medecine have recently shed some light on the role of pheromones in sexual attraction.

Pheromones are small, odorless molecules that are secreted along with sweat and urine. They were originally identified in silkworm moths as a powerful sexual attractant, causing male moths to flap their wings wildly. Just imagine what pheromones might do to your object of unrequited passion.

Sadly, moth pheromones don’t work on humans, unless, of course, you’d like to date a male moth, which, although impractical, would make a great Jerry Springer episode.

In 1986 Dr. Winifred Cutler stepped up the research from insects to humans. She discovered that women who have frequent sex have more regular menstrual cycles than more celibate women.

Researchers quickly pinpointed the source of these discrepancies—male pheromones.

After that, more findings gushed forth, implicating pheromones in fertility, depression and sexual appetite. With the right pheromones, you could not only lure in unsuspecting out-of-yourleague coeds, but it would make them happy at the same time. But beware the increased fertility.

Holy and his students are investigating the molecules that control pheromone detection.

They use a unique approach which consists of spreading neurons across a surface, exposing them to pheromones and measuring their responses.

They hope the technique will reveal how the brain influences behavior in the presence of pheromones.

Terry Holekamp, a graduate student, says the procedure is a simple system that will allow him to “map pheromone activation at the first synapse,” revealing the brain’s response to pheromones.

In related studies, researchers have identified a gene required for pheromone detection and are close to isolating the molecules that make up pheromones.

According to Francesco Nodari, a graduate student in Holy’s lab, the idea that humans are influenced by pheromones is “still controversial.”

There is limited evidence that humans can detect pheromones, and humans seem to lack parts of the vomeronasal organ, the region in mice needed for pheromone response.

Despite the controversial nature of pheromones, there is a growing group of Internet salesmen who claim to have discovered the secret. www.Pherx.com offers “pure, reagent-grade human pheromones.” www.luvessentials.com argues that “countless…studies have been conducted” and that their product will increase your sex appeal, “attract the man/woman of (your) dreams” and even give you an edge in business.

These offers, although tempting, are accepted by few scientists. In the meantime, guys may have to resort to old-fashioned means of attraction such as flowers, cologne and a bottle of peach Schnapps. As for you girls, don’t throw away those two-inch skirts just yet.

With the right pheromones, you could not only lure in unsuspecting out-of-your-league coeds, but it would make them happy at the same time.

Everyone can appreciate a good parody.

"Spaceballs" taught us all the power of the Schwartz, and "Scary Movie" gave us bluntsmoking ghost-faced killers. But porno parodies? These are, tragically, a less familiar terrain. Consider "Edward Penishands," a send-up of Tim Burton's classic 1990 fi lm.

The titular character, a black-clad recluse with giant you-know-whats at the ends of his arms, learns the (ahem) ins and outs of suburban life when he's taken in by a kindly vibrator saleswoman. Before you can say, "He's got penises for hands!" all the lonely neighborhood ladies are indulging in Edward's tri-part talents, but he yearns for the saleswoman's young daughter Amanda.

Needless to say, this movie is horrible. It's not even a good porno. How anyone could fi nd prosthetic members that look like rubber chickens sexually arousing is a mystery—but the idea is just classic. Therefore, we've got a few new ideas for the porn parody industry:

Being In John Malkovich A middle-aged puppeteer takes a job as a fi ling clerk in a cramped office with an uncommonly low ceiling and discovers a mysterious portal—into John Malkovich. It doesn’t take long for the portal to become a gateway to new realms of pleasure for the puppeteer and his wife. What starts as their dirty little secret becomes a source of income as they turn other couples on to the thrill of being in John Malkovich. That is, until the man himself gets wise to their operation.

When Malkovich becomes curious and enters his own portal, an orgiastic scene of Malkovich-on-Malkovich action ensues. Can you say “Malkovich, Malkovich, Malkovich”?

Binding Nemo The heartwarming adventure of a young, naughty fish’s fi rst BDSM experience.

His overbearing father is worried, so he gets his forgetful friend, dominatrix Dory, to be gentle on little Nemo. However, things take a turn for the worse when she forgets the safety word and hijinks ensue. Nemo even takes a trip to the surface and learns about the thrills of autoerotic asphyxiation. I am not too sure how well Binding Nemo would sell in America, but this would be a gold mine in Japan, combining their love of raw fish and animated pornography.

Gangbangs of New York As a genre, porn has grown stale. A vast majority of porn takes place in a modern-day setting. Sure, there is the occasional science fiction or cowgirl-themed porn, but more often than not the fi lms just maintain the status quo. That is why I want to see a massive, epic period piece set in the grime of mid-1800s New York. Too often while watching porn I fi nd myself thinking, “Oh. That cop (pizza delivery guy, handyman, etc.) is taking off his pants. What ever may happen?” when I would rather ponder, “My God! Are they really going to go for anal on that lice-ridden, rat-infested bed, while covered in their own fi lth that has accumulated over years of not bathing?” A serviceable plot of rival gangs having a contest to see which gang can screw the most people would get the job done.

As a side note, given the current arc of Cameron Diaz’s career, she might even be interested in a couple of years. It couldn’t be any more degrading than doing Charlie’s Angels 3.

Snatch Come on, you know when you fi rst heard the title of the movie you assumed it was porn. The plot could be about zombie pirates having sex with cheerleaders, and I would be perfectly happy because the name is just so brilliant.

Willy Wanker and the Cock Ring Factory

KRT CAMPUS

A researcher studies the effects of pheromones in fleas. Scientists have recently enlarged the scope of their research into animals’ pheromone responses to the study of humans—and this research has caused an explosion of online products boasting they can enhance people’s sexual appeal with the use of these chemical substances.

Someone should get on the horn with Tim Burton and explain to him all the money he could make if he turned his new remake of “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” into a nudie fl ick. Just imagine: the young, sexually inexperienced Charlie Bucket fi nds a golden cock ring inside his Wanker brand porno mag and wins a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the famous Cock Ring Factory. Mr. Wanker, aided by his diminutive, anal-loving helpers, the Rumpa Humpas, leads a group of sex-crazed winners through the bowels of his complex, steering them down a mysterious liquid river and revealing the secret of his “everlasting gobstoppers.”

And can you imagine that soundtrack? “Come with me, and you’ll be, in a world of frenzied fornication…”

Note from the author: All of these are intended as jokes. My interests do not really swing this way. Do not take these seriously, because I don’t want this to end my dating career at Wash U.

Forum Editor / Roman Goldstein / forum@studlife.com

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

STUDENT SEX LIFE | FORUM

FORUM

9

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS Write a letter to the editor letters@studlife.com or Campus Box 1039 Submit an opinion column forum@studlife.com or Campus Box 1039

JOHNNY CHANG | EDITORIAL CARTOON

The easiest way to have better sex

T

he music is thumping, bodies are grinding and your partner for the night and you leave the party, for obvious reasons. When you got back to your place, you start kissing—but it’s more like fumbling with your lips.

The clothes come off—but you’re not sure how you managed that. The blow job was terrible—but 15 minutes of it was the only way you could get hard. And you’re sure you gave the worst oral sex of your life, too. The sex—well, you’re not sure you can call it that. There was penetration, but shortly after, you fell asleep.

This isn’t a farfetched scenario. Hook-up culture on campus is based on alcohol, yet alcohol is one of the main reasons hooking up is so unsatisfying.

Proving that Shakespeare was a genius for the ages, he wrote, “It provokes the desire, but takes away the performance” on alcohol’s role in sex. I wish I’d read “Macbeth” in high school.

Alcohol is a depressant. After just two drinks—two drinks!—sexual dysfunction kicks in, according to the Center for Healthy Student Behaviors at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. For men, it’s harder to get and maintain an erection, and premature ejaculation becomes more likely. Women have their own problems, namely inadequate lubrication and decreased quality of orgasms.

And I’m not even talking about how difficult it is to actually have sex while drunk. Alcohol makes technique sloppy and dulls sensations, meaning you fumble around not satisfying your partner while getting no physical pleasure out of sex yourself.

It’s not surprising that alcohol and sex seem like a perfect match. Alcohol is liquid courage. By lowering

Roman Goldstein

Where’s the love?

By Nina Perlman Op-ed submission

inhibitions, it makes those people more willing to have sex. In fact, up to 70 percent of college students admitted to having sex primarily because they were inebriated, or having sex that they wouldn’t have had while sober, according to Facts on Tap, a Web site run by the American Council for Drug Education.

Aside from alcohol making sex just plain awful, it also makes sex much more dangerous. The College Alcohol Study from the Harvard School of Public Health found that 3.4 percent of college women were raped while intoxicated; 72 percent of college women who were raped were drunk at the time. All in all, 75 percent of all campus sexual assaults involved alcohol, according to Carol Bohmer and Andrea Parrot’s book “Sexual Assault on Campus: the Problem and the Solution.”

Does it get worse? You bet. Three-fifths of college women who acquired an STD report they were under the influence when their partners transmitted the infection. And one-fifth of students who otherwise practice safe sex have unprotected sex while drunk, says Facts on Tap. But again, the scary statistics aren’t my primary concern. Rather, why do students ruin what otherwise could be a perfectly good lay by drinking? It’s sad that they’re too shy or prudish to be able to initiate and enjoy sex while sober. A hook-up scene that uses alcohol as an enabler certainly leads to more sex, but it’s bad sex. That’s what you get for mixing sex and alcohol: more bad sex.

And nobody wants more bad sex. We want more good (or great) sex, and even no sex is better than bad sex. So this Valentine’s Day, join me in demanding better sexual experiences. Make sure you and your partner stay away from the alcohol before you hit the sack.

You’ll thank each other for it the next morning.

Roman is a senior in Arts & Sciences. He can be reached via e-mail at forum@studlife.com.

A

s you have probably figured out by now, this issue of Student Life is devoted to that subject of subjects: sex. We’ve got everything from how to give good head to the prevalence of threesomes, but there is something conspicuously absent from much of this Valentine’s Day edition: love.

There’s a lot in here that’s geared toward or talking about people who are in relationships, but how many of us actually fit into that category? I don’t.

Look around your group of friends or roommates and think about how many of them are actually in relationships right now. I bet it’s not a majority.

If you’re a freshman, you probably know a few people who are still dating someone from high school, but as the months and years go by, that number dwindles to almost zero. There are also plenty of floorcest relationships that start within the fi rst few weeks of school, but how many of those last beyond the fi rst year? How many of us look around and keep seeing the same faces, the same people who aren’t worth pursuing and will never pursue?

If I’m starting to sound a little cynical, it’s because I am. Sure, I’ve been in relationships, been out on dates and had the “random” (although probably not so random in comparison to others’) hook-ups that are expected of a college junior. But I’ve never had anything that really meant something, never been with someone who absolutely took my breath away when I met him who then stuck around long enough for it to matter.

As it happens, while I am single I’m currently not searching for a partner.

If someone appealing comes along I might bite, but I’m not holding my breath.

I confess to having spent a long time being envious of people who are always in relationships, whether with the same person for a long time or with several people one after the other. These people usually seem happy.

I don’t understand how it works, how some people always have someone and how others never do. And then there are those of us in the middle, wanderers who are unsure of everything.

I’ve always believed in two things regarding relationships: that there is someone for everyone and that I’ll know who that someone is when I meet him. At this point, though, I’m honestly starting to doubt both of those beliefs.

Many, many people on this campus are single; if there’s really someone out there for everyone, when and where do they ever meet? If I really will know who this lucky person is going to be right when I meet him, how do I explain being wrong about it in the past?

I’ve also wondered lately which hurts more, to break a heart or to be heartbroken. I’ve been in both places and they both feel awful. I’ve known people who were afraid to get involved with someone out of fear of that hurt.

I wouldn’t say I’m one of those people, since I happen to believe that a good cry has a way of putting the world into perspective. I would say, though, that everyone deserves at least one of those I’m-on-top-of-the-world-because-I’mwith-you relationships. At least for a little while.

Is that standard too high? I hope not.

Nina is a junior in Arts & Sciences.

She can be reached via e-mail at nperlman@wustl.edu.

Love: it’s just not that into you

By Cory Schneider Associate Editor

A

ccording to the Princeton Review, Washington University is not known as a campus on which there are many couples—it actually described it as something akin to a “hook-up culture.” But then, it also is said that the students call their peers “all very smart,” so it just goes to show that you can never trust what you read. Excluding Student Life, of course.

But, maybe there is something to that. Maybe for once, we are all with the trend and not avoiding it in the bubble (as is the case with Burberry, kiddos!). The problem, though, is that many of us haven’t yet realized this glaring truth and are hopelessly misguided in our attempts to ignore it.

If you need proof of romance’s demise, then look no further than the Village. No, this is not

STUDENT LIFE Editor in Chief Associate Editor Senior News Editor Senior Forum Editor Senior Cadenza Editor Senior Scene Editor Senior Sports Editor

Jonathan Greenberger Cory Schneider Liz Neukirch Roman Goldstein Matt Simonton Sarah Ulrey Mary Bruce

a gesture toward the obviously uncomfortable beds that don’t permit anything that involves an inch or so of movement; rather, take a look at the poor souls who have paid an ungodly sum of points to Bon Appétit for the dubious privilege of eating a Valentine’s Day dinner cooked up by the ever-talented artistes slaving behind those lukewarm burners. Somehow, the advertisements have managed to ensnare the love-struck freshman couples who have made it all the way since the Club 40 Dance. They are under the assumption that what they’re doing is a celebration of the love, and that the trek from Bear’s Den has somehow elevated them in status to the “classier,” “more sophisticated” dining space of Siegle Commons. Fools.

But, more disturbing, the casual observer can make out the pathetic attempts at “Lonely Hearts Club” groups who aren’t deceiving anyone with their bravery in the face of loneliness and devastation. We all know who you are, and

Senior Graphics Editors Brian Sotak, Emily Tobias News Editors Doug Main, Sarah Kliff Contributing Editors Erin Harkless, Rachel Streitfeld, Forum Editors Cadenza Editors Scene Editors Sports Editor Photo Editors

yes, it’s heartbreaking. Well, it’s actually more vomit-inducing (much like the meal you’re wolfing down). For our sake, hide in your rooms and make up a vague away message like, “Sharing a night with that special someone. Cell it! = )” On second thought, we all know that special someone is your television set, we all know no one is calling and that smiley face just makes the whole situation even sadder than it needs to be. Denial, friend, is a river you should drown yourself in.

If you are going to defy the advice of the last paragraph and choose to confront the day head on, then there is at least one subconsciously selfdeprecating tactic that you ought steer clear of.

If you think that anyone is warmed by the sight of a homemade valentine, you are sorely mistaken. What people really see when they read your hours of dedicated work is that you are someone in desperate need of psychiatric attention. By sublimating your insides-gnawing solitude into

Online Editor Margaret Bauer Copy Editors Kelly Donahue, Allie McKay,

David Tabor Daniel Milstein, Brian Schroeder, Designers Aaron Seligman, Justin Ward Laura Vilines, Tyler Weaver Sarah Baicker, Kristen McGrath General Manager Justin Davidson Ad Manager David Brody, Pam Buzzetta

Nina Perlman, Shannon Petry, TJ Plunk, Jonathon Repinecz Anna Dinndorf, George Lai, Ellen Lo, Laura McLean, Jamie Reed, Camila Salvisberg Andrew O’Dell Christopher Kiggins

a construction paper heart with lace, you’re only doing yourself the injustice of signaling your status as damaged goods. Wake up and realize that when you look into the Ziploc bag you brought to collect all of the cards given to you, it is empty. It hasn’t been full since second grade and it’s not looking to get any prettier. Put down that copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You” and pick up that gin, it’s going to be a long wait.

Yes, romance is obsolete, but the longer you fight it, the longer you’re going to be dressed up in red and pink (even you guys, with your popped-collar Lacoste polos) with nowhere to go. So, if not for yourself, then for the love of your fellow student, spare us all the unbearable sight of your blindly optimistic countenance.

We’re trying to keep down the 30-point meals we wisely ate up it our rooms.

Cory is a junior in Arts & Sciences. He can be reached via e-mail at cschneider@wustl.edu.

Copyright 2005 Washington University Student Media, Inc. (WUSMI). Student Life is the financially and editorially independent, student-run newspaper serving the Washington University community. First copy of each publication is free; all additional copies are 50 cents. Subscriptions may be purchased for $80.00 by calling (314) 935-6713.

Student Life is a publication of WUSMI and does not necessarily represent, in whole or in part, the views of the Washington University administration, faculty or students. All Student Life articles, photos and graphics are the property of WUSMI and may not be reproduced or published without the express written consent of the General Manager. Pictures and graphics printed in Student Life are available for purchase; e-mail editor@studlife.com for more information. Student Life reserves the right to edit all submissions for style, grammar, length and accuracy.

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Your Horoscope for Monday, February 14, 2005

By Linda C. Black, Tribune Media Services Today’s Birthday (02-14-05). Real estate is a good investment, but don’t get your hopes up too high. Putting down roots is good for you, but profiting from it can take quite a while.

To get the advantage, check the day’s rating: 10 is the easiest day, 0 the most challenging.

Aries (March 21-April 19) Today is a 7. The money should be coming in quite well. Don’t take a risk or spend more than you can afford, even for a good cause, however.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) Today is a 7. You may be right, but if you’re smart, you won’t make a big deal about it. That’s especially important if the person who’s wrong is the same one who signs your paychecks.

Gemini (May 21-June 21) Today is an 8. Something you’re supposed to do is brought to your attention. The

temptation is strong to procrastinate, but that’s not a good idea.

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Today is a 7. You love your friends dearly, as everyone knows, but some of them are definitely not the people from whom to get legal advice. Hire a professional.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Today is a 6. It’ll be harder to get ahead for a little while. Dig in and secure whatever you’ve achieved.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Today is a 7. You may be tempted to take off on an adventure, but resist. The odds are good that you’ll stay too long, and mess up a pretty good gig.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Today is a 6. You should never have to choose between love or money. When you love somebody, you empower them to succeed. Keep at it.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Today is a 5. Make plans for your next big move. Study the game board a while. Get opinions from friends, and enemies. No need to rush.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Today is a 7. Don’t rely on the manual if what you try isn’t working. There are more variables in effect than you may realize. Call the techie.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Today is a 7. Conditions for romance have improved, much to your delight. A little gift would be appropriate, if thoughtfully chosen.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Today is a 6. Take your time, while figuring out a home renovation task. Put in the extra effort to make sure it will really last.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Today is a 7. As you study more, you’ll discover the true value of what you have. Some things are worth less than you thought, and some is worth more.

Forum Editor / Roman Goldstein / forum@studlife.com

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

STUDENT SEX LIFE | FORUM

11

How to give good head

Y

ou probably have always wondered, “How do I work a penis?” After you read this article, you’ll be able to take it like a champ and also have him swooning and begging for more. I’m neither a doctor nor an expert, but this advice is drawn straight from my own personal experiences with others just as concerned about the penis as I am. And considering the fact that all of my partners have, or have had at some point in time, a penis, I’m about as experienced as they get.

The name of the game with giving head is variety. Many people only truly understand the basic O-faced up-and-down motion. Think of that blond guy from “Office Space,” but with a penis in his mouth. That’s the basic model we all know and love. If you’re too drunk to really do any other move, remember to keep your focus on the head, not the shaft. Most don’t know that 90 percent of the nerves are on the tip of the iceberg. Vary your speed a little bit, too. Slow and

steady doesn’t win this race—the more randomized your tempos are the most pleasure he’ll get. If you get a hair in your mouth, take a quick breather, remove it and go back—he’ll understand. While that’s enough to deliver the product of champions, it’s nothing special. You have to mix up your strategies.

One of my favorites has always been the “loose rake.” This is the technique where you disregard all the advice you’ve heard in the past about your teeth and gently, gently, rake only your top teeth against the helmet on the upwards motion. Don’t get too excited while doing this and apply too much pressure or rake your bottom teeth. A misplaced tooth can lead to disaster. This is the most dangerous move you can do but it can also be the most profitable if done right.

A second, wildly successful technique is what’s commonly known as the “deep throat.”

Most people know the gist of this move, but for

the uninformed, you basically take every thing there is to take at one time. The only way of really getting a hang of it is to lose your gag reflex through a lot of practice, smoking or throwing up. If you do feel the need to throw up, don’t hesitate in taking a small time-out. We’d rather have a little dry saliva than your vomit all over our crotches. This technique is not recommended for novices.

A tip for the deep throat: when it’s all the way in, do some humming. He’ll love it. But, as one Daniel Press puts it, “always have some music going so she doesn’t feel like an idiot humming.

It’s less awkward and feels fantastic.”

The third real technique can only be the amazing experience of extra-penial licking. Most assume that the act of giving head must focus only on the member itself. This is entirely incorrect. The soft spot between the balls, the nipples and even the perineum all add a real sense of excitement to any quality head experience. Be liber-

Practice safe oral sex

T

o many people, oral sex isn’t really sex. As just about anyone having grown up in the sex culture of the ‘90s knows, young people treat oral sex as a halfway point between making out and vaginal intercourse. Even President Clinton didn’t consider oral sex with Monica Lewinsky to be “sexual relations” when he gave his deposition in the Paula Jones case.

Partly because of this attitude, most people don’t practice safe oral sex. A 2004 survey by the American Social Health Association found that 71 percent of American adults never use condoms during oral sex. By comparison, only 23 percent said they never used condoms during vaginal intercourse. Oral sex, it seems, just isn’t taken as seriously.

I suspect this is particularly true at Washington University. Our generation has a much looser attitude toward oral sex than previous ones. And there’s lots of anecdotal evidence that college students don’t use protection for oral sex. I personally have yet to meet anyone who admitted to using a flavored condom or dental dam.

Of course, it’s not just sex culture that discourages condom use. Let’s face it: latex doesn’t taste great, and it does change the sensation. But these are bad excuses for putting yourself at risk. Even if “oral sex” isn’t culturally considered “sex,” it can still have

Justin Ward

some of the same nasty consequences that “real” sex occasionally has.

It’s true that unprotected oral sex is less risky than vaginal sex and much less risky than anal sex. Still, it’s possible to contract STDs that way. Venereal diseases that cause sores, notably herpes, can be transmitted between the mouth and the genitals. Bacterial diseases like gonorrhea can cause throat infections and be passed on.

It is difficult to ascertain just how often people contract STDs through oral sex. But studies fi nd that oral sex does contribute to the spread of disease. An analysis of data collected by the Chicago Department of Public Health showed that at least 13.7 percent of those who contracted syphilis between 1998 and 2002 did so during oral sex. A study of 102 gay men in San Francisco who contracted AIDS determined that at least eight got sick from oral sex.

In short, it’s a good idea to protect yourself. Even if most people who get STDs won’t get them from oral sex, you don’t want to be the unlucky schlub who does. For obvious reasons, women in particular should insist that their partners wear condoms during oral sex. Men can use a dental dam. If you don’t have a dental dam, you can always improvise, says Jill Ringold, the health educator at the Office of Health Promotion and Wellness (located in the Women’s Building).

In place of a dental dam, men can use an unrolled condom cut lengthwise, a cut-up latex glove, or nonbiodegradable plastic wrap.

The University could also think of ways to encourage students to use protection specifically for oral sex. Of course, the University already does an admirable job of supplying condoms to students at a variety

of locations. Ringold told me that in her office, lubricated condoms are located in a basket, “set up so that a student can walk in and not feel uncomfortable taking one.”

Condoms are also available in Student Health and Counseling Services, although students have to ask for them. They used to be available in a basket, but that was discontinued, Ringold said, after some students began dumping entire baskets into their backpacks. RAs frequently make condoms available to students in dorms by hanging bags on their doors. Students can obtain dental dams at the Women’s Resource Center, located in Umrath Hall (on Hilltop, not the 40).

All during this Sex Week, students will have increased access to all sorts of goodies, including condoms and dental dams—go pick them up! But we could be doing more all year round to encourage students to practice safe oral sex. It is precisely because students treat oral sex as halfway between making out and “real” sex that this is so important.

One idea might be to provide each student living on-campus with a small kit at the beginning of the year with a lubricated condom, a flavored condom, a dental dam and instructions on how to use them.

Also, we should make flavored condoms and dental dams just as easily available as lubricated condoms are now. This would be expensive, but it would be worth it to encourage safe sax habits among students.

And that could save us a lot of discomfort.

Justin is a senior in Arts & Sciences and a Forum Editor. He can be reached via e-mail at forum@studlife.com.

Hooking up vs. committed relationships

W

hen it comes to college relationships, a common question we must all address is if we prefer to have committed, monogamous relationships or to hook up (generally speaking, I realize “hook up” can mean different types of sexual activity or commitment for everyone) with multiple people without a commitment to a relationship. Both values are reasonable but often conflict both in the minds of individual students and between potential couples.

Last summer, the New York Times Magazine in “Friends, Friends with Benefits and the Benefits of the Local Mall” examined the hook-up culture in high schools by talking to teens in various U.S. cities. I will examine the same question through a summary of various conversations with Wash U students and present the opposing arguments.

I do not believe that either position is inherently right or wrong but merely reflects different approaches to college life.

Point: Committed relationships are deeper and prepare you for future relationships.

Aaron Seligman

There is no denying it: committed relationships take a lot of work. Maintaining good contact with your partner and compromising on how to spend time can be a real challenge to balance in a random college lifestyle and with numerous other friends. Breaking up and getting hurt are terrible.

However, facing all of these issues while still in college makes total sense and is absolutely the risk. You can learn a lot from being unhappy and making mistakes. College, like relationships, is about learning who you are on academic, social and intimate levels. Just floating around between student groups, social networks and majors is unacceptable, and neither should be drifting through sexual partners.

In the real world, learning how to recover from setbacks and seeing a difficult situation through are invaluable skills. Not to mention the potential in a relationship to feel an amazing connection with another person, to be able to totally trust someone and to experience real romantic love. Hookups are shallow, but they are also cowardly and disrespectful towards others and ultimately to oneself.

Counterpoint: Hooking up is fun and harmless and we should take advantage while we can.

College is a very selfish time. For most people, our only responsibility is to learn about whatever we choose, get involved in whatever activities we want and countless

other freedoms. Being independent from others and not bogged down with relationship pressures is absolutely about exploring and self-discovery. Relationships are like the cluster system—they just add extra restrictions.

Beyond activities, a big part of college is meeting new people and sharing experiences with them. Those opposed to hookup-only engagements are simply drawing an artificial and arbitrary line defining what kind of experiences they will share with friends.

Hooking up also protects your feelings from being hurt. Unlike the risks involved in relationships, hooking up is virtually risk-free (assuming safe sex, of course). With young people today getting married at an average age of 28 to 29, there’s no reason to pretend like any college relationship will really turn into marriage. We all know Wash U has no dating culture anyway. There will be plenty of time to look for a real relationship.

Engaging in “friends with benefits” or hookup relationships exemplifies the greatest parts of college: doing things “just because you can.” You have tons of intelligent people in your age range in a small geographic area; it would be foolish to not take advantage.

Enjoy the freedom while you can—the real world can wait.

Aaron is a senior in Arts & Sciences and a Forum Editor. He can be reached via e-mail at forum@studlife.com.

al with your applications of that tongue. You’d be surprised how many guys, myself included, are too embarrassed to ask for a little tongue action.

We all want it but are too shy. Extra points if your partner is ticklish. Then either tie or handcuff their hands above their heads and go wild licking them. You’ll give them immense pleasure and wake the neighbors in one easy move.

However, every person is unique; talk with your partner about what works. Follow any advice they may mumble (“Ooooo yeah keep doing that,” “ohmygod yes”). In the end, the true zen of giving good head is not about any one technique, but about working with your partner to create that mystical, magical experience of oral sex.

Eric is a sophomore in Arts & Sciences. He can be reached via e-mail at easenta@artsci.wustl.edu.

Sexual supply and demand

E

conomics is the study of how individuals with limitless wants choose to allocate scare resources in order to satisfy these aforementioned wants. Additionally, scarcity creates the need for economics. My economics professor told us on the first day of class that the concepts can be applied to pretty much anything, so, in honor of Valentine’s Day, I’ve decided to turn the dating scene on campus into an economic model as follows: In our situation, the limitless wants pertain to qualities in a potential significant other but also individual needs affected by having or not having a relationship. Scarcity applies to any good for which there is an opportunity cost for obtaining the good. In this case, the scarce good would be potential dates, because time and precious effort must be put forward in order to obtain a potentially unworthy candidate.

Good relationships are rare, especially on this campus. Just kidding.

The concept of supply and demand comes into play when making a decision to date or not to date. The demands are marginal benefits of the decision to date, and supply refers to the marginal costs of each significant other you attain. The intersection of supply and demand will determine the optimal number of relationships you should maintain, simultaneously or otherwise. Additionally, economic institutions are mechanisms that provide incentives for people to effectively use resources. For instance, in America, property rights encourage people in competition to produce better goods. So in this model, property rights over a boyfriend or girlfriend would cause each individual to make the best of positive attributes and market himself accordingly in order to ensnare the most attractive, most intelligent of the bunch.

These concepts seem a tad abstract, so an example or a case study is clearly in order. I selected from a random sample a model male to apply these concepts. Let’s call him Dave.

Now in order for a female to decide whether or not to date Dave, she would first have to weigh the marginal costs and benefits. The costs will vary from woman to woman, but they might include things like seeing fewer chick flicks (or hearing more whining about them) and having less general alone time in which to view pornography, bake cookies, water plants, etc.

In order to ascertain the marginal benefits, one need only look at Dave: objectively good looking, great sense of humor, laid back and athletic. In addition to these mundane excellencies, however, Dave has secondary benefits. His father is an ophthalmologist, so cataracts will never again be a problem. His mother knits and his uncle owns an alpaca farm, for all those in need of a new pair of alpaca boots. He can sew like Martha Washington, quote “Troop Beverly Hills” with ease, work a guitar like John Mayer and play Trivial Pursuit like a pro. Best of all, his name has an extremely high Google-ability factor.

All of this is from the female perspective. Dave, if he was at all intelligent, would maximize his dating benefits (potential popularity, regular orgasms, tender loving care) by specializing according to comparative advantage. For instance, within the category of athleticism, he should focus on his soccer skills, as opposed to his weaker squash game, which wouldn’t impress the ladies anyway. This strategy is necessary for Dave to reach the Global Production Possibility Frontier. A graph of this function would elaborate on how many chicks Dave can get while expending the least amount of time and energy.

Given all these factors on both ends of the deal, it really becomes quite easy to determine whether or not you should date Dave, and additionally, whether or not Dave should date anyone, and who it should be. And you thought economics didn’t apply to you.

Fair warning: I’m also taking a game theory class, and my professor has also claimed global applicability, so the dating game may next appear in a simultaneous game matrix.

Molly Antos

Molly is a junior in Arts & Sciences. She can be reached via e-mail at forum@studlife.com.

Eulogy for the nice guy

E

ach year around Valentine’s Day someone invariably submits an op-ed complaining about how the “nice guys” never get the girls and that girls always go for the jerks who cheat on them and blah blah blah I’m so ugly and lonely and even my hand has started to reject me.

This is true because I always facebook these guys, and lots of times they’re pretty unfortunate looking.

I am here to put a bullet in the head of every “nice” guy out there, bury him, and give him a nice eulogy.

Just like the phoenix, however, all you nice guys out there shall be reborn, better and brighter than you ever have been and you shall all lift up your voices and rejoice.

Brian Schroeder

First, we need to analyze what you mean by the “nice guy.” What is it that you do to these girls that makes you think you’re a nice guy? Do you always look her in the eye and never glance at her body because women shouldn’t be objectified?

Do you offer to pay for dinner or buy her drinks at the bar? Do you offer to take her to the airport at 6 a.m. only to find that you’re picking her up at her boyfriend’s house and taking her to the airport while he sleeps in after a long night of sex with the girl you are “in love” with? Do you listen to her complain about how badly he treats her while wondering why she always goes back to him while you sit alone at night and play Dungeons and Dragons? I bet that’s what you do, sissy.

What I described was not being “nice” to her, it was supplicating. You’re not a man or even a boy.

You are a doormat. There are a few key things wrong with the guy that does everything I just mentioned. The first is that he doesn’t sexualize the relationship. This does not mean that it’s okay to stare at her chest instead of her face; there are much more subtle tactile gestures that convey

something more than friendship, such as brushing up against her arm with yours, etc. This mistake leads to her thinking of you as a friend and you acting as a friend. You don’t sleep with your friends, so why treat the girl you want to sleep with like you treat your friends? If you are acting like her friend just to pick her up on the rebound, then you are deceiving her, and that is not good behavior. So don’t lie and treat her like you only want to be her friend.

It’s okay to buy your friends drinks, but don’t offer to buy a girl a drink. Girls expect that behavior. The next time a girl asks you if you want to buy her a drink, instead of saying “yes” and watching her walk away with a $9 cosmo, tell her “No, I don’t buy girls drinks, but I’ll let you buy me a drink.” If she says “no”, which most girls like her will, then you’ve already weeded her out. Often the girl will be intrigued as to why you didn’t buy her a drink, like all the other guys in the bar who she is ignoring. If you can establish that you are on an equal playing field with her, or that you hold yourself to higher standards, then you’ve

got something. If you convey self-confidence and don’t behave like she is better than you are, then you are going somewhere.

It is this type of behavior that the “nice” guys chide the “bad” guys for. When he makes jokes about her or her friends, or doesn’t buy them a drink, then he’s being rude. Wrong. It’s all in how it’s done. The key is to be playful while you’re doing it. Bust them for something goofy they’re wearing, but do it in a funny way. This shows you’re paying attention to them, which they like, but not that you are in awe of them and worship them from afar.

There is much more to say, but I don’t want to ramble. Maybe I’ll expand this later if readers want to hear more, but, until then, watch what the “bad” guy is doing to attract the girls and make sure you imitate that—but stop when his behavior leads to the girl eventually dumping him, which they all do.

Brian is a senior in the Olin School of Business and a Forum Editor. He can be reached via e-mail at

12 STUDENT SEX LIFE | SPORTS

Sports Editor / Mary Bruce / sports@studlife.com

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmm... pecs.

Sex and love in sports movies “There’s nothing more you want to do after a crazy, hard workout than have some crazy sex,” said freshman Dan Topin. For those who agree with this, nothing spices things up like a good sports movie with a sexy twist.

Sex and love play a complex role in many sports movies.

For the most part, romantic stories can be highly effective as the central plot of a movie. But other times, love stories completely ruin the level of competition and athleticism that moviegoer sport enthusiasts expect and desire. So what does the public really want? A number of my freshmen floormates were more than willing to lend their opinions on this steamy topic.

“Love and sex scenes in sports movies can be, and often are, unnecessary, inane and formulaic,” said David Dreyfus, a sports movie enthusiast.

Although I have to agree with Dreyfus that a lot of love and sex can really ruin a sports movie and is often unnecessary, there is clearly some kind of added passion, heat and intensity to sex scenes in sports movies. Think about it: sweat and exercise, amazing bodies and gorgeous, athletic, not to mention flexible, people. It gets people excited.

“It’s all about sweat and muscle-y bodies,” said Laura Kramer-Rosengard.

The two exceptions—according to Dreyfus, and I think most of us would agree—are the movies “Love and Basketball” and “Jerry Maguire.”

When asked about the best sex scenes and love stories in a sports movie, “Love and Basketball” is the first thing out of most mouths. Soccer player Kim O’Keefe said, “‘Love and Basketball’ is just the best. That’s all there is to it.”

You really can’t go wrong with a cast of beautiful people (Omar Epps!), some unbelievable basketball and one of the hottest sex scenes to ever hit the theaters. This movie makes everyone wish they had someone to play strip bball with. “When you say sex scene in a sports movie, that’s just what comes to mind,” said Caitrin Kelly.

And at the same time, “Love and Basketball” makes everyone want someone to love. Most men and almost all women will tell you that it’s a great movie—great sex, great basketball and those three words at the end that make it a movie girls want when they’re depressed about their love lives: “Double or nothing?” Wow. Now that’s a good line.

It’s amazing how many people say “Jerry Maguire” is their favorite movie. Like “Love and Basketball,” this movie blends love, sex and sports beautifully. Jake Greenblatt said he likes it because it shows “how sports can make two people who wouldn’t otherwise know each other fall in love.”

Others like it for the infamous sex scene at the beginning. Randall Lumry says it’s hot “because she’s holding onto a bookshelf like this” (while attempting to reproduce the scene on a wall). Eric LeFebvre likes it “because the dog’s reaction is really funny.”

Although some like it for the sex and others for the sports, for me it wouldn’t be a good movie if it weren’t for the combination of the two. “Jerry Maguire” is a movie that everyone can connect with in some way or another.

“It’s like a chick flick, but it’s something guys will sort of relate to at the end of it,” said Travis Gros.

Ultimately, love in sports movies can be successful. Nina Ruvinsky likes “Forget Paris” because “you knew it was true love when he could give up something as important to him as sports to be with her.”

Even in cartoons love and sex prevails. Several people on my floor brought up the relationship of Bugs and Babs in “Space Jam.” “At first, [Babs] is just some cute little girl and then she schools him and then they have bunny sex,” Adam Grimm said.

Dave Jimenez added, “She’s awesome. She’s so hot. And at the end, she kissed Bugs when he won. And as a kid it made me really happy because I thought a girl would kiss me if I won something.”

Whether or not you’re like some of the other people I talked to, who I’m leaving anonymous for their own good, who like sex in sports movies such as “Any Given Sunday” because “they do ‘yayo’ [cocaine] off a stripper’s boobies” or “Slap Shot” because of “all the whores,” you have to agree that sex in sports movies is hotter, to some extent, than in other movies you see in theaters.

Even Dreyfus finally agreed that sex has a place in sports movies when he remembered that the whipped cream bikini scene in “Varsity Blues” was “hot and cool.” Although he did have to add that the scene was, “not integral to the plot at all.”

So what’s the verdict? Sex scenes and love stories or just pure sports? I say we keep them all in the mix. Because while there is an endless number of outstanding movies that primarily stick to the sport, everyone needs a little love with their basketball every once in a while … especially on Valentine’s Day.

Above: So, what you doin’ Friday night?

Left: Swimmers are constantly working on their strokes.

Oh man, I thought everyone was supposed to wear their leopard underwear today...

Allie Wieczorek

sports@studlife.com

Glory or the girl?

By Scott Kaufman-Ross Contributing Reporter You see it when the cheerleaders come out during halftime. You see it on TV when the cameras point out the players’ wives. You see it in sports movies and TV shows. Sex and sports often coincide in the lives of many professional male athletes.

Both on the field and off, athletes are surrounded by sex.

Some play the field and use their celebrity status to nab as many women as possible—namely Wilt Chamberlain, who claims he had sex with over 20,000 women (that’s not a typo: 20,000 women). Other athletes prefer to go domestic and get married.

Many athletes happily choose having a family over their careers, understanding the ramifications. Others try to do both and fail. For many, the cost of love is their success.

Two athletes in particular have watched their fantastic sports careers nosedive after finding love, and have taken criticism in the public eye for it.

Andre Agassi started his professional tennis career early at the young age of 16. After just two years he worked his world ranking up to fourth, winning his first Grand Slam title in 1992 by defeating Goran Ivanisevic to capture the Wimbledon crown. In the next three years he captured both the US Open title and the Australian Open title, and became the top player in the world in 1995. His fame and popularity soared, and in 1997 he married actress Brooke Shields; Agassi was seemingly on top of the world.

But then, he began to play in fewer tournaments and injured his wrist. In just a little over two years Agassi’s world ranking dropped from number one to 141. Finally, in April of ’99, Agassi filed for divorce with Shields, ending their short celebrity marriage. Magically, just two months later, Agassi became the fifth player to complete a Grand Slam, winning the French Open. By the end of 1999, Agassi was once again the top player in the world. Agassi has won three more Grand Slams over the past few years, and today remains one of the top contenders in the world.

Incredible, isn’t it? Agassi was the top player in the world just two years before and two years after Brooke Shields, yet during their marriage, he dropped to 141. Agassi is now married, with two kids, to Steffi Graff, herself a former women’s

tennis star. Agassi couldn’t handle the life everyone seems to desire: fame, fortune and a hot actress wife.

Moving on, the name Tiger Woods has became synonymous with professional golf. A man who needs little introduction, Eldrick “Tiger” Woods redefined golf with his incredible play and explosive, fist-pumping attitude. From the moment he joined the tour in 1996, he became a force, winning his first Major Tournament in 1997 when he blew away the field at Augusta to win the Masters. Since then, he has won a total of eight major tournaments, and in 2001 became the first person to win all four major tournaments consecutively. Tiger worked his way up to the world’s number one ranking in 1997, a ranking he held onto until recently.

In November of 2003, Tiger Woods became engaged to gorgeous Swedish model, Elin Nordegren, and subsequently, his golf game began to decline. Although Tiger won the U.S. Open in 2002, he hasn’t won a major since. He was married in October of ’04, and one can’t help but wonder, “Where has his game gone?” Think about it. He most likely met his future wife in 2002, dated her for a year, became engaged and now he’s married. Looks like maybe Tiger traded a few green jackets for some black lingerie.

It is yet to be seen what Tiger will do, and whether or not he will regain his dominance over the sport of golf. Freshman Jake Greenblatt said it best, “If I was Tiger, I would spend less time with golf and more time with my wife.” (If you have seen Tiger Woods’ wife, I think you may agree with Jake.)

Although these are only two examples, they are proof that some men just cannot handle the pressure of having a successful sports career and having sex with a beautiful woman.

Jack Nicklaus, considered by many to be the greatest golfer of all time, once said that the only reason he didn’t win more majors is because he had a wife and kids. Clearly finding a balance is hard to do. Nevertheless, it seems some professional athletes need to make a choice: winning or a wife. sports@studlife.com

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

Sports Editor / Mary Bruce / sports@studlife.com

STUDENT SEX LIFE | SPORTS

13

These teammates offer each other their support, even when one splits sets.

Eight members of the men’s Ultimate Frisbee team admire the finely toned posterior of freshman Gareth Marshall.

Most people don’t realize that tennis guys have a secret sensitive side. Pucker up, Shaul!

Lacrosse boys like to keep their sticks long, straight and polished.

Rrraaaarr, come hither. (On a side note, these guys give great back scratches.)

Girls on a trampoline…need we say more?

Girl-on-girl breaststroke

10 out of 13 volleyball girls agree: being “taken” fouls play.

14 STUDENT SEX LIFE | SPORTS

Sports Editor / Mary Bruce / sports@studlife.com

MONDAY | FEBRUARY 14, 2005

WU ATHLETE CENTERFOLD

Compiled by Mary Bruce and Justin Davidson All Photos by Emily Tobias and David Brody

In honor of Valentine’s Day, we bring you some of Wash U’s finest: athletes in a way you’ve never seen them before.

They’re off the field and out of their uniforms…some out of their clothes all together. Maybe now you’ll start showing up to the games. In the game or on the sidelines, clothed or naked, these students are amazing athletes and very good sports.

Special thanks to the swimming, men’s tennis, men’s lacrosse, men’s ultimate frisbee and volleyball (pictured above) teams.

Oversized orange cowboy hat: $12.

Frisbee: $15.

Enormous lollipop: $7.

Silly Ultimate Frisbee boys daring to bare it all for no pay: priceless.

He’s gonna “pump you up!”