Student Libel | April 2, 2007

THURTENE NAMES SU AS ‘07 CHARITY Says Thurtene chair: ‘We felt bad when they ran out of money’

STUDENT LIBEL MONDAY, APRIL 2, 2007

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DEAN SANSALONE SNAKES ON THE 40 Hundreds of students attacked CUTS OWN JOB Full story, page 2

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Moinester speaks out: ‘They may be cute, but they’re also tasty’ STUDENT LIBEL EXCLUSIVE:

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2 STUDENT LIBEL | SCHMOOZE

STUDENT LIFE One Brookings Drive #1039 #42 Women’s Building Saint Louis, MO 63130-4899 Jenny: 867-5309 Advertising: (314) 935-6713 Fax: (314) 935-5938 e-mail: editor@studdeath.com www.studdeath.com Copyright 2007 Snaggletooth: Sklifford the Big Red Dog Conjugal Visitor: Liz Neukirch Primate Outreach Coordinator: Justin Davidson Rapunzel Wannabe: David Tabor Kitty Cat Animorph: Mandy Silver Dedicated Editor: Daniel Milstein Sexual Tyrannosaur: Brian Stitt Irish Dockworker: Erin McFults D-III Athletics Snob: Andrei Berman Going Bald: David Brody Karl Improv Slave: Rachel Harris Schmooze Editors: Troy Rumans, Laura Geggel, Josh Hantz, Shweta Murthi Made up Position: Elizabeth Lewis Ass. Editor: Sam Guzik Foreplay Positions: Tess Croner, Nathan Everly, Chelsea Murphy, Jill Strominger Half Helpings of Whore: E Ochoa, David Kaminksy, Cecilia Razak, Michelle Stein Enchanted Rainforest Travellers: Sarah Klein, Felicia Baskin MIA: Scott Kaufman-Ross My lens is bigger than your lens: Lionel Sobehart, Eitan Hochster, Jenny Shao Dead to Me: Scott Bressler Official Sorority Representative: Laura McLean The Future Mrs. Joe Mauer: Anna Dinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnndorf Where are you, Mallory Wilder?: Willie Mendelson, Indu Chandrasekhar Xerox Machines: Brian Krigsher, Jonathan Baude Designers: Ellen Lo, Jamie Reed, New Kid, Kim Yeh, DJ Sweemo, Courtney LeGates Christina Aguilera fan: Andrew O’Dell Deceptively Hot: Sara Judd Copyright 2007 Washington University Student Media, Inc. (WUSMI). Student Life is the financially and editorially independent, student-run newspaper serving the Washington University community. First copy of each publication is free; all additional copies are 50 cents. Subscriptions may be purchased for $80.00 by calling (314) 935-6713.

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Senior Schmooze Editor / Mandy Silver / schmooze@studdeath.com

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

Dean Sansalone cuts own position

BY PENELOPE PUSSYFOOT EXECUTIVE INVESTIGATATIVE ASSOCIATE MANAGING REPORTER EDITOR PERSON In the latest move to a series of sweeping changes to the School of Engineering and Applied Sciences, Dean of Engineering and Applied Sciences Mary Sansalone mistakenly eliminated the position of Dean of Engineering and Applied Sciences on Friday, reported sources from the University.

“This is ridiculous,” remarked a frustrated Sansalone. “I mean, I only took the position last fall, and already I’ve got to clean out my belongings and leave the school.”

As with the streamlining of the dual degree program in October 2006, the elimination of the position was made in order to cut the engineering school’s budget.

Due to the sheer amount of changes made to the school, however, Sansalone only realized her abrupt dismissal several days after she had made the decision.

“I mean, I can understand how the University and the School of Engineering’s got to move forward and stuff,” she continued, “but recently the changes have just been too much. I remember when the administration used to care about the student engineer as a hard-working individual. Or for that matter, the individual dean of Engineering and Applied Sciences as a hard-working, budget-cutting individual.”

COURTESY OF DEAN JOLLEY SEVER

Didn’t realize Dean Sansalone was small enough to fit in your standard cardboard box? Well she is. As this image shows, her head is slightly larger than a coffee cup.

Past controversy with Sansalone’s instituted changes have included the January 2006’s “Plan for Excellence”, involving the merging of two engineering departments into the Department of Mechanical, Aerospace

and Structural Engineering, in addition to the outright elimination of the undergraduate Aerospace Engineering major.

Sansalone questioned how many of her instituted changes were made for the

purpose of placing further emphasis upon the Biomedical Engineering Department, suggesting that she should have better communicated her vision for the School of Engineering to herself.

“Yeah, BME’s been the

strongest department, but it’s not like I couldn’t have told myself about where I wanted to take the school and what I was willing to eliminate. A warning to myself ahead of time would’ve been nice. God, I totally feel like [former dual degree program advisor] Judy [Sawyer] right now. This is what happens in a bureaucracy closed off from the students, faculty, and deans.”

Sawyer, who had worked with the School of Engineering for 16 years as an advisor, was asked to leave her position last fall as one of Sansalone’s changes to the school.

While she expressed a desire to have maintained better communication with herself, Sansalone in the end said she would move on.

“In retrospect, I would have liked to hold an audience with myself to see how valuable the position of dean was to me. You’ve got to learn to open up dialogues with and answer questions to yourself, since leadership is about accountability; otherwise, you won’t understand the preferences of yourself, and end up isolating yourself from those making the decisions and budget cuts. Still, it was an exciting time while it lasted. Even with such a short tenure, I’ve definitely made my mark on this place, and I won’t forget that, and neither will a lot of the engineering students.”

Libraries institute new restroom fee

BY POOPY MCPOOP SANITATION EDITOR Washington University Libraries will institute Restroom fees beginning this May. The libraries expect the new pay-per-poop policy to reduce the enormous volume of sewage produced by the University library community. During the fall semester, the University spent over $2 million on dumping 137,000 metric tons of library sewage into the Missouri River. The new policy is expected to take a bite out of this problem.

Previously, Olin Library had posted signs in the restrooms encouraging students to dispose of bodily waste in moderation. The signs were almost totally ignored.

“Wash. U. students poop like no one else in the country,” said Birley Shaker, dean of campus plumbing. “The amount grows every year. We would like to be able to provide everybody free usage of the restrooms, but when you

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look at the numbers, it’s just not sustainable.”

Shaker stated that profit was not a motive. “It’s true we’ll be taking in an extra $7 million dollars in net revenue under the new initiative, but the pricing system is completely rational and fair: 35 cents for a urinal flush and 50 cents for a sit down toilet. That way, the people who poop or piss the most pay the most.” She added, “plus, we need that money. Whispers doesn’t exactly pay for itself.”

For the past five years, restroom usage has almost quadrupled. Shaker attributed the steep rise to what she calls “professor quirk drinking games.” “It seems the new rage is to attend classes taught by eccentric professors and take a shot every time they exhibit some strange behavior. It’s all fun and games until that liquid reaches your colon. Then it’s my problem.”

Shaker said.

Campus environmental groups have hailed the new policy. “One of the goals of Green Action is to get students to think about their impact on the environment each and every day. Now that students have to fork over some cash every time they flush, maybe

MR. HANKEY I STUDENT LIBEL

Dammit, I only have enough points for single-ply. Why the hell did I splurge on that Snickers Bar? I was just too hungry to wait. Well, no one is going to want to shake my hand for a while... they’ll remember what their fecal matter is doing to the local beaver population,” said Todd Thompson, president of Green Action.

Not everyone was thrilled about this action, however.

“It’s ridiculous!” said David

Stein, a junior majoring in physical education. “First they take away free printing and now this. The only thing they’ve done is guaranteed that I’m going to poop twice as much in Eads. Also, I understand Chancellor Wrighton’s

house still has free restroom use. He can expect to see me twice a day every day.”

Already the library has documented an increase in restroom usage by students preparing for the coming payment policy.

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Senior Schmooze Editor / Mandy Silver / schmooze@studdeath.com

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

STUDENT LIBEL | SCHMOOZE

Construction under construction

BY FAKE NAME FAKE POSITION Clear out the crane—here comes the wrecking ball. The new underground garage currently under construction on main campus will be demolished Monday to make room for a new project. Though details were unavailable at time of press, anonymous administrator Janet Grover confirmed that the University is calling the project a “Subterranean Parking Facility.”

The facility, to be named after Chancellor Wrighton’s daughter’s dog emeritus Muffins Danforth, will be similar to the one demolished, only with thinner walls and a diminished sense of community.

“Honestly, we didn’t even hire a new architect. We’re actually using the same blueprints,” Grover admitted.

Gregory Powers, assistant

dean of mollification, rebutted.

“That is not true at all,” he said. “We’re adding this gigantic seal that you can read right-side up and upside down. We’re also toying with the idea of a fountain.”

Although Powers could neither confirm nor deny rumors that other University space will be put to use as temporary parking during the construction, he suggested, “If I were you, I would not be standing in line at Whispers Café next Tuesday, during, say, rush hour.”

Chancellor Wrighton did not return phone calls, though his secretary’s secretary justified the move in an e-mail. She wrote, “That old garage was so 2006.”

Most students reacted to the news with apathy.

“Excuse me, I’m trying to study,” said a freshman in Olin library. “Ouch,” she added when further prodded.

Officer Spoons ‘n’ Fruit arrests Center Court thieves v Cracks down on banana snatchers

SCHMITTGENS | STUDENT LIBEL

Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?

BY ALFONZO DEBUSSY BANANA SNATCHER It was a just another day at Center Court—yesterday’s meat loaf had become today’s chili surprise, and all was well. But in a blinding flash, everything changed.

Security Officer Spoons ‘n’ Fruit leapt into action, streaking past the buffets to blindside a couple of would-be fruit thieves. The officer quickly subdued the suspects, described as white males wearing ball caps, American Eagle t-shirts and cheap flip-flops.

Three forks, two apples and several bananas were confiscated as illegal contraband.

“Most Center Court patrons are honest, hardworking Americans,” said ‘n’ Fruit. “But I can tell a ‘nanner-snatcher from 15 tables away. If you can smell the hair product, that’s a good bet. They use it to cover the scent of their stolen citruses.”

Onlookers watched in disbelief as the part-time B&D security officer cuffed and cavity searched the two suspects.

When asked why such extreme measures were necessary, ‘n’

Fruit warned that, “You never know where they’ll be willing to stick a banana.”

Though the disturbance was brief, Center Court closed its doors early to allow WUPD to perform a full investigation.

“We see this kind of thing more and more. Maybe it’s the price of gas going up. Maybe they need the oranges to make meth,” remarked Police Chief Don Strom.

“All I know,” added ‘n’ Fruit, “is that these kids may be Wash. U. students, but they’re all amateurs. Sometimes their fingers are still sticky from the last job.”

Spoons ‘n’ Fruit was hired through an ad in “Soldier of Fortune” magazine after the Great Plate Pilfering of 2005.

To date, ‘n’ Fruit has made 12 arrests, all but one of which resulted in felony convictions. The last suspect, Jimmy Gongers, hung himself before his court date.

Chief Strom refused to comment on any pending charges, instead advising future thieves to “stick to pizza and beer. They’re better for you, anyway.”

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Freshman Katy Smith, who asked not to be named, said “Buildings disappear from this campus faster than a lecturer in Arts & Sciences without tenure.”

While Grover objected to that particular analogy, she agreed that there has been a high turnover in recent years. She noted, however, that this will be the school’s first pre-dedication demolition.

In light of the anticipated bulldozing, the Economics Department has expressed concern over the future of the new Social Sciences building, also currently under construction.

Grover was quick to reassure.

“The University has no current renovation plans for that site,” she said. “At least not this week.”

3

please do not write in this space

TKE ‘Super Smash Brothers’ party gone wild

BY SCRUFF MCGRUFF CRIME DOG In what was originally billed as a “Super Smash Brothers Party,” a Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) video game party was broken up by WUPD officers at 2:30 a.m. early Saturday morning when they received reports of loud and excessive noise coming from the usually dormant building.

Upon entering the scene, Police Xhief Don Strom was horrified by what he saw: a completely naked TKE member fi lming a Girls Gone Wild sequence in front of a crowd of ogling TKE members taking pictures with their camera phones.

“That image will forever be burned into my retinas,” said Strom. “I thought I would never see anything more shocking than that time I saw a drunk freshman defecate himself, but seeing this behavior at the TKE house is just earth shattering. Wow.” The visibly drunk unidentified females, believed to be underage mail-order brides from Russia, were taken into custody for questioning where they directed police efforts to the basement of the TKE house. A warrant led the police to the basement, where they found over $5,000 worth of alcohol, a pet chimpanzee stolen from the Biomedical Engineering laboratory, and a collection of over 600 hours of raunchy Girls Gone Wild pornography, as well as the central database for the popular pornographic “BangBus” website.

After word had spread throughout campus about the TKE shakedown, members of the Greek community became

MAGNUM STEELE I STUDENT LIBEL

Goodness gracious, that ass is bodacious! These girls definitely don’t go to Wash. U... outraged at the blatant disrespect and clear violations of the codes of behavior and conduct set forth by Greek Life.

“What happened here last Friday is the most heinous event in the history of Greek life,” said disgusted Zeta Beta Tau president Justin Snyder.

“Providing alcohol to minors and objectifying females in such a way is a matter that should be taken extremely seriously. They should be permanently kicked off campus and vilified for their blasphemous and wicked behavior.”

No arrests have been made

yet, but the suspected cameraman has been reported missing since Saturday afternoon when eyewitnesses saw him on Snow Way entering an unmarked white van run by solar energy panels. The investigation is ongoing.

Prof discovers homosexual unicorns amidst fossil remains of Noah’s Ark

BY STU CRABSHACK ARTICHOKE AFICIONADO Paleontology professor Harvey Whitehead announced yesterday that he has discovered animal fossils that he believes came from Noah’s Ark. He found a valley in the Turkish mountains that contained remains of every documented animal species, plus one extinct species. Whitehead believes the extinct animals may have been homosexual unicorns.

“They were all within three miles of each other, and almost every fossil was paired, one male, one female,” said Whitehead. “The last pair was a little different.”

Whitehead and his team were quick to identify and match all but one of the pairs with existing animal species. Every pair was one male and one female, except for one pair, consisting of two males, from a now extinct species.

“It’s a couple of gay unicorns,” explained Whitehead.

“That’s why unicorns are now extinct. Noah screwed up,

grabbed some ‘fabulous’ unicorns and all the straight ones suffered God’s wrath in the Flood.”

Conservative family values groups have seized on Whitehead’s research as scientific evidence that gay marriage is unnatural. Women and Children First founder Seymour Dumbler says that this is defi nitive proof of the danger gay marriage poses to human existence.

“We’re just lucky Noah was a straight, red-blooded American,” commented Dumbler. “If he had made different lifestyle choices, we might not be here today.”

Women and Children First is planning a rally on the steps of the Capitol in Washington on Friday.

“We’re going to bring God and Nature back to America.

From this day forward, the unicorn will be a cautionary tale of God’s punishment for man-onman love.”

Whitehead, while claiming neutrality on the politics of gay marriage, simply reinforced

PENELOPE PUSSYFOOT | STUDENT LIBEL

Oh beautiful unicorn, my magical stallion, come hither so I can caress thy horn and ride thee through the majestic mountains of my dreams! that his research is sound.

“Look, you can’t question the science. Homosexuality drove the unicorn species extinct.

The lesson we can learn from this is not to let our little boys play with unicorns. Unicorns are gay.”

4 STUDENT LIBEL | SCHMOOZE

Senior Schmooze Editor / Mandy Silver / schmooze@studdeath.com

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

Bert and Ernie to address Class of 2007

BY FOSTER THE EMU INTERN

SNUFFALUFFAGOUS | STUDENT LIBEL

Life partners Bert and Ernie speak during Commencement 2007. The topic of discussion: The life and times of Mr. Rubber Ducky, his uses and his amazing accomplishments.

Quincy Bertram Huffi ngton and Ernesto Beltrinez, stars of the hit television show “Sesame Street,” will address the Class of 2007 at their commencement on May 18, 2007.

Better known as Bert and Ernie, the duo will be making their fi rst public appearance after their tell-all book “Sesame Seedy: Sex, Drugs, and PBS” hits bookshelves. According to their publisher, Bert and Ernie reveal that they are homosexuals in “Sesame Seedy,” and bring to light the disturbing details behind the children’s show.

“We took Muppets that we thought would be well-noted figures, who would have a sense of current issues facing graduates, Muppets [who] would be well-known and Muppets with great accomplishments in the field that they work with,” said Chancellor Mark Wrighton.

Spokesmen for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD), Bert and Ernie are planning a nationwide tour following their speech at

the University, and are going to the use the tour as a platform to lobby for gay rights.

“They’re going to try to change the world,” close friend and confidant Oscar the Grouch told Student Life. “Washington University is very lucky to have them, and they are very excited to speak there.”

Other revelations found in the pages of “Sesame Seedy” include the news that Oscar the Grouch is actually a Vietnam veteran who was placed in a trash can at Walter Reed Hospital; the heroin addiction of Count Von Count, also known as The Count; Miss Piggy having repeatedly gone to clinics for eating disorders; and the death of the original Cookie Monster in 1992 due to complications stemming from diabetes. Pre-sales of the book have already taken the top spot on amazon.com.

The gay community on campus has had nothing but praise for the choice of Bert and Ernie as commencement speakers.

“It is really great that the University is acknowledging that these issues are some of the

most pressing in the modern world,” said GBLTQIAAFGEFKH President Billy Acronym.

Others have been more critical, especially following the announcement that for the fi rst time, the commencement speech will be sponsored by the letters W, D, O, and the number 7. “This is one of the most important days of our lives,” yelled senior EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU FOREST PARK PARKWAY EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU

Rubelmann catches on fire, no one cares

BY ART SENIS CHIEF CANADIAN CORRESPODENT The Office of Residential Life barred Clayton Fire Department from responding to a fi re on Rubelmann 2, allowing the old dormitory to burn to the ground. The unexpected grease fire begun by an RCD cooking freedom fries expedited ResLife’s plan for renovation on the South 40.

“Rubelmann?” said Tim Lempfert, associate director of Residential Life, “Sounds more like Rubble-man to me! But, in all seriousness, the unexpected destruction of Rubelmann did further our plans for renovating the South 40. It paved the

way for the new dormitory that we plan to have constructed by 2030. Students should embrace Washington University’s ongoing commitment to success and positive attitude towards what some might view as a smoldering disaster.”` The Rubelmann fire began around 1 p.m. on Saturday and by dusk all that remained of the dormitory was a pile of glowing embers. To the delight of ResLife officials, some fiery ashes were seen drifting in the direction of Umrath, opening the possibility of another old dorm’s destruction.

While the Office of Admissions moved all prospective freshmen staying in Rubel-

mann to the Knight Center, current students made due with makeshift camps. When Friedman Lounge filled, students began to occupy the swamp.

“It was uncomfortable to sleep on the ground. It was raining and I couldn’t find any privacy,” said third floor resident Shaunice Sholes.

All Rubelmann residents will be switched to the new Bon Appetit hunter-gatherer meal plan for the duration of their stay on the Swamp. Congress of the South 40 executives organized a marshmallow roast over the building’s dying flames in an attempt to create a more celebratory atmosphere.

Nothing says fun like an old dormitory bonfire.

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MR. BURNS I STUDENT LIBEL

Student petitions for adoption

BY MADAM EDITOR & HARUHI SUZUMIYA SCHMOOZE REPORTERS Ivanna Freeride partied like she was in the class of 1999 when she received her acceptance package from Washington University, but the prefreshman said that her jaw dropped faster than the Gen Chem curve when she saw the fee for tuition.

Undaunted, Freeride researched scholarships and investigated the Work Study program. Her solution involved a bit more paperwork: seeking adoption from a faculty member.

“I am sooo jealous of students who have parents who work for Mark Wrighton,” Freeride said. “They get free tuition and I hear they get to call the chancellor Uncle Marky Mark.”

Whether or not her aspirations of calling the chancellor by his beloved nickname will come to fruition remain uncertain. Ivanna Freeride has until her 18th birthday to fi nalize

her adoption records. After that, she will be recognized as a legal adult and be unqualified for adoption and a fabulous four tuition-free years at Washington University.

“Good thing I skipped the third grade,” Freeride said, explaining why she has an extra year to fi nd a new set of parents. “I hear all I missed were the multiplication tables. Fortunately they let you use Ti83’s for Calc III,” she said with a smile.

Freeride discovered a program to help prospective students literally become part of the Wash. U. family. Adopt Collegiate Kids, or ACK, aids students in fi nding qualified legal guardians to waive their education fee. Freeride was unsure who to petition fi rst. She tried calling Executive Vice Chancellor and Dean of Arts and Sciences Edward Macias, but he was so busy he couldn’t see her until the day after her birthday.

“I became worried that the only way I could fund my education would be through street prostitution,” Freeride said.

She visited the second man on her list, Assistant to the Chancellor Rob “Buck” Wild, but he demanded a little more than she was willing to dish out.

“I encouraged Ivanna when I heard she was looking for a new dad,” Wild said. “It was great timing. I was just about to get a new Blackberry, but I knew I could count on Ivanna to keep track of all my appointments.

She agreed to chauffer my children but was reluctant to take on other chores.”

“Hahaha! Dishes?” Wild remembered Freeride laughing.

She tried Dean of Arts and Sciences Jim McLeod, who wholeheartedly supported the idea. “I’ve been very fond of the program since its inception at Wash. U. We’ve always promoted students from all walks of life to apply to our University.

This program detracts from the image that we are an elitist ‘rich kid’ school with inflated tuition.”

Mcleod himself is a strong advocate of ACK, and has already adopted four students from Arts and Sciences. “There is nothing more amazing than the bond of parent and child.

To gain so many children at this stage has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life,” he said, as he beamed down at the four students carrying him in his sedan. “By lifting me, they lift themselves.”

This new adoption program has not only helped students afford tuition but also has helped the productivity of the University.

Distinguished Professor of Chemistry, Karen Wooley, has adopted 10 such students into her chemistry clan. “Johnny’s working the pipettes and Susie is learning how to autoclave.

I’ve already published 500 papers, which is 30 ahead of schedule.”

Ivanna Freeride only has five more weeks before she must fi nalize the adoption process.

“My case is still open: desperately seeking parents. Few chores. Unlimited Internet access. Adopt me please!”

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

Senior Schmooze Editor / Mandy Silver / schmooze@studdeath.com

STUDENT LIBEL | SCHMOOZE

5

Assembly Series welcomes Ms. Frizzle to campus

Obituary: Sarah Steinberg, killed for wearing too much ‘fashionable’ clothing

Bears Den robbed by B&D, thousands of meal points stolen

Washington University students welcomed Ms. Valerie Felicity Frizzle of “The Magic School Bus” fame to campus Wednesday for this week’s Assembly Series, titled “The Small Intestine Is a Wonderful Place.”

Following the high turnout of students to the Assembly Series hosted by Bill Nye the Science Guy on Sept. 13, 2006, administrators focused their energies on attaining Ms. Frizzle and her vast emporium of science knowledge for a Wednesday discussion about the human body and efficiency of public transportation.

Hundreds of students attended and were inspired by her insightful words about mud, wacky clothes, and the digestive tract of dinosaurs. More directly impacting the St. Louis community, the Friz explained how to convert the current Wash. U. shuttles into Magic Shuttles that can take students to the moon and into Dean McLeod’s nose via Forest Park Parkway, as well as a myriad other magical places. The administration quickly assembled a panel of campus leaders to discuss ways to implement the plan, which led to a decision to raise tuition by $8,031.26 for the next academic school year to cover the associated costs.

Ms. Frizzle’s famed pet lizard, Liz, who is capable of performing advanced tasks such as driving the magic bus, was not in attendance at the Assembly Series. She is presumed dead. Ms. Frizzle ended her speech with her famous last words, “Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy!” before receiving a standing ovation from the packed Graham Chapel crowd, with the exception of one student named Arnold, who still hates science.

Next week’s Assembly Series, featuring deceased segregationist Senator Strom Thurmond, is titled “Killing Me Softly With His Song: A Privileged White Man’s Story of Keeping the Black Man Down.”

The university community is mourning the death of junior Sarah Steinberg, who died early Tuesday morning at the hands of an angry mob of fashionistas due to her clothing selection for the day. After months of growing and bubbling anger towards the latest fashion trends by the general population, Steinbergkatz’s decision to wear her Uggs in late March, coupled with her cameltoe leggings, aviators, and unfashionably long t-shirt, sparked off an eruption of Mount St. Helens-esque proportions amongst the student body. The uproar is just one of several recent outlashes by students around the country against the current fashion trend; last month Emory University officials were forced to declare marshal law after a pitchfork-yielding throng of fed up students lit the local Urban Outfitters on fi re.

The Long Island, NY native is survived by her iMac Powerbook G5, her BMW 735i, her cat Penelope, and her entire DVD collection of “Laguna Beach,” “The OC,” “The Hills” and “My Super Sweet 16.”

At the height of the 2 a.m. drunken rush to Bear’s Den Friday night, a plot unfolded that led to the robbery of thousands of meal points. Authorities have apprehended four members of B&D security, who have confessed to aggravated assault, grant theft larceny, kidnapping, and obesity.

Brandishing guns, machetes, and homemade bombs, the suspects wielded their hidden weapons, tucked securely beneath their beer bellies, at approximately 2:10 a.m., demanding the turnover of thousands of meal points from students present at the popular eatery at the time. Four B&D staffers were directly involved in the incident, although it is suspected that many more employees were intricately involved in the planning and implementation of Operation Grease Trap. WU Facilities has been accused of providing B&D the escape route through the underground tunnels while the WU shuttles were reported to be the vehicles used during the getaway.

Unfortunately, because of rules about the transfer of meal points from one individual to another, none of the stolen meal points can be returned to their rightful owners. Bon Appetit has informed the students that they must purchase their points back at the price of $1.25 per point. “Tough noogies,” laughed the Bon Appetit night manager.

Student Life changes name to ‘Student Death’ Despite 129 years of service as Washington University’s student newspaper, Student Life has decided to change its name to “Student Death,” effective fall 2007. Many rumors as to why these sudden changes have been announced have been spreading around campus in recent weeks.

Speculation has surfaced around Student Life’s use of zombies as reporters as the prime reason for the change, but incoming Editor in Chief Erin McFults denied these allegations.

“Let’s face it,” said the exasperated journalist, “students at Wash. U. are half-dead from all the work they have to do every day anyway. We just felt that the name change was more appropriate for our populace. Besides, ‘Studdeath’ sounds way more badass than ‘Studlife,’ no?”

Study: Pre-med test scores predict effectiveness as doctors Commensurate with average test scores received during premed exams as an undergraduate, students who go on to become doctors have been found in a recent study that they are only able to accurately identify and cure about 40 percent of the medical problems that they are confronted with on a daily basis.

“Doctors these days are just not as well prepared for life as a doctor,” said Bob Kelso, professor of biochemelectromechanicmedical engineering. “It’s their own damn fault; it’s not like we try to make the exams so hard that they only know 40 percent of the material—they’re just too stupid to know the other 55 percent.

Everything we put on the exams is clearly taught in class and it’s the students’ responsibility for mastering the material like a real doctor.”

Jesus tours campus for April Welcome, loves the tulips Jesus Christ, the Son of God, visited the University this past weekend after receiving his acceptance letter for the entering Class of 2011. Christ was enamored with the campus scenery and impressed by his tour guide’s vast knowledge of college affairs.

“I just love the tulips,” gushed the Messiah. “I can’t wait to come here in the fall and frolic through them when I go to class.”

Christ had applied early decision, but was deferred to general admission before being accepted.

“I was a little disappointed at fi rst, but I sent in some more letters of recommendation from my friends John, Luke, Mark and Matthew.”

Admissions director Ginger McHovelhut said that she always thought he was a stellar candidate.

“He just walks on water in my Book.”

Jesus said he looked forward to W.I.L.D. and planned on rushing AEPi.

WANTED

Pluto leads coup against other planets; declares self Ruler of the Galaxy In a bizarre twist of events since Pluto’s status as a planet was demoted on August 24, 2006, Pluto has gathered a force of two planets, over a dozen moons, and the Washington University Earth and Planetary Sciences Department to lead a coup d’etat against the remaining eight planets of the solar system.

Pluto, often teased for its small size and long distance away from the sun, was kicked to the curb in August when a group of know-it-all scientists decided that Pluto wasn’t worthy to be a planet because of its reclassification as a dwarf planet and its need for Viagra to get it up. The Earth and Planetary Sciences Department took a fi rm stance against demoting Pluto, and as a result was quickly recruited by the ninth rock from the sun to join its mounting army.

In return for their services, Pluto announced that he would provide unlimited funds to the Earth and Planetary Sciences Department for building robots, satellites and to hire all the sexual offenders they want after its successful takeover of the galaxy.

“I have had enough of this [expletive deleted],” said the dejected former planet. “It’s time for me to take my rightful place on the celestial throne as the Ruler of the Galaxy and show them a real ‘Independence Day!’” Pluto is allegedly a huge fan of Jeff Goldblum.

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6 STUDENT LIFE | FOREPLAY

Senior Foreplay Editor / Foster the Emu / foreplay@studdeath.com

FOREPLAY

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

Our not-so-daily Foreplay editors: Monday: Heavy petting beastiality@wustl.edu

We do not welcome your dumb submissions so don’t send any. Go away, losers.

We want more tulips!

W

is not going far enough. The most important thing for the University is to look good for prospective freshmen. Yes, the University should try to make sure that its current students have the best education possible. But that education is not possible without a top 10 ranking in the U.S. News & World Report rankings. And that is not going to happen without better students. Having a picturesque campus will give prospective freshmen more of a reason to come here, and the higher yield of admitted students will let the University rise in the rankings. A good education will assuredly follow.

The constant replanting is a good fi rst step in achieving this goal, but contrary to popular belief, the University

should go further. Dead plants aren’t the only things that are ugly at Wash. U. As Emory so graciously pointed out last year, Wash. U. girls are ugly, and the men aren’t much better. To this end, only the most attractive students on campus—the members of the Washington University Game Developers Society—should be allowed on campus proper, while the rest of the students should be relocated to Wash.

U.’s newest branch in East St. Louis, safely out of the way of prospective freshmen.

This policy should also be extended to the buildings on campus. Since the old dorms are so unsightly, they should be knocked down before the prospective freshmen get to campus. Some might say that this will cause a greater

housing crunch than ever seen before. But that is the price to pay for getting a top 10 education. It is certainly better to live in a forced octuple at a top-10 school than in a double while languishing at number 12.

Yes, this will cost a lot of money. The University can get this money by raising tuition.

We, as students, have to be grateful for everything that the University provides for us, and there is nothing more important than our ranking. It would not be fair to the University to force the burden on them, while it is we who benefit. We should be paying for this. We’ll be thanking the University later, when our kids are applying to the ninth-ranked school in the nation.

BRIAN SOTAK | EDITORIAL CARTOON

Friday: Just the tip headtipper@wustl.edu

You are probably not even reading this short and inconsequential description about what it is that our not-so-daily Foreplay editors actually do, which is next to nothing. If you actually are reading this, kudos to you, good sir. You officially have an unprecedented eye for detail and probably way too much on your hands.

STAFF EDITORIAL

ith prospective freshmen rampant across campus, Brookings, as is the case every year at this time, has one something that is very commendable. Showing a blatant disregard for economic efficiency and the environment, the administration has decreed that a slightly wilted flower should not be seen on this campus, and as a result, flowers have consistently been replanted, even if they had been in the ground for just two days. This has caused Washington University to be prettier for a couple of days, and in the end, that is exactly how the University should be spending its money.

Some have called this action by the University wasteful, but in reality, the University

Wednesday: Fondling fondletheballs@wustl.edu

STAFF EDITORIAL

Teach Creationism in Human Evolution W

ashington University claims to promote an environment of open intellectual inquiry and to value the diverse interests of Washington University undergraduates. With the education of students as the primary concern, we expect our professors to keep abreast of the latest theories and advancements in their disciplines. Yet on this very campus we have found an abhorrent stifling of academic progress right beneath our very eyes: Professor Richard Smith’s “Introduction to Human Evolution” course in the anthropology department.

In order to enhance the quality of education at Washington University, we implore Professor Smith to begin teaching the theory of strict Creationism.

Professor Smith’s class is notoriously under-enrolled and unpopular with students. You can hear crickets chirping when Smith takes the stage in Brown 100. Students only begrudgingly enroll in the course when shut out from other, more desirable choices and leave the course completely uninformed by the semester’s worth of information regarding the so-called “evolution” of humans. He uses big words— australopithecine, Homo habilis, Paranthropus robustus—and fancy dental ratios (Does anyone really understand what 2:1:2:3 means?), but we are not fooled. We see behind the

increasing cranial capacities and reduction of the post-orbital ridge. We are sick of this mumbo jumbo that is, as Professor Smith admits, only a theory.

Given the course’s lagging enrollment, it seems that we are not the only ones dissatisfied with “Introduction to Human Evolution.”

We believe that Smith’s course could be enhanced by exploring the more respected theory of Creationism. Rather than sticking to the antiquated notion that humans evolved from lesser organisms, University professors ought to move towards the future by endorsing the more scientifically-sound view that the universe, humanity, life on earth and this very campus were created by a supernatural deity (this may or may not be the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but that’s a whole other staff editorial). The theory of Creationism enjoys strong support from the scientists around the world, and it’s time that support arrived at Washington University.

The American education system has taught us that we must accept that which is written, and we must not question any source as legitimate as that of the Bible, which teaches Creationism and the story of Adam and Eve. After hundreds of years of Christendom being the dominant source of knowledge, who are we to teach anything but the established truth?

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

Student Life: pillar of journalistic excellence Dear Editor: From one award-winning journalist to another, I would just like to say: wow, you guys rock. You are consistently one of the best news sources in this great land of ours; the public service you render unto the community is incalculable.

Last week, when you showed us how NIH funding cuts could hurt the University’s medical research programs, I was in awe. I mean, who else would see that connection except StudLife? Then, later that week you dropped ANOTHER bombshell on us: MetroLink usage is up! You guys must really burn the midnight oil. That one must have really lit a fire under the administration’s tuckus.

Student Life, you are a pillar of journalistic integrity and clearly you are the scribes of the gods. Kudos, Student Life. You are living proof of the power of

the written word.

-Rob Woodward The Washington Post

Man of your dreams responds Dear Editor: I am writing to respond to a personal ad you published in your newspaper a few weeks ago. I clipped it out but then I lost it. I was hoping you could send this letter to the purchaser of the ad.

Single white female seeking independent man, I am the guy of your dreams. My name is Mark; I’m 37, kind of tall and properly filled out. I too love Mork and Mindy, bird watching and bondage! I never married and I sublet from a close family

member. I understand what it’s like trying to get back on your feet after some rough times.

After the court made me notify the entire neighborhood that I had a special past, no one associated with me for months. I know you’re twice my age but I won’t say anything about your wrinkles if you don’t say anything about mine.

Richard Gere ain’t got nothing on me.

-Mark S.

I Ozomatli-ed all over your mom Dear Editor: I have a few responses to some of the articles you published last week.

Re: “Better parking would

improve Health Services”: Better parking would improve your mom’s services.

Re: “Sagartz, Kressel shine in doubleheader split”: I gave your mom a doubleheader split.

Re: “Bears kick off season with win at Mini Meet”: I kicked your mom’s season off with my mini-meat.

Re: “MetroLink usage exceeds expectations”: Your mom’s uses exceed my expectations.

Re: “Police Beat”: The police beat your mom.

Re: “Voice from abroad”: I heard a voice from your mom, “Oh Yes!” Re: “Sophomore Slump”: Your mom slumped over this sophomore.

Re: “Ozomatli: Don’t Mess with the Dragon”: Your mom messed with my dragon and got some ozomatli all over her face.

Re: “Senate Democrats to push for larger Pell Grants”: My democrat gave your mom a

push.

Re: “Johns Hopkins: We’ll take you down”: Your mom hopped on my john and I took her down.

Re: “The ins and outs of the crowd”: I crowded your mom’s ins and outs.

Re: “The bubble has popped”: Too easy. (Your mom’s too easy.)

Good day, sirs and madams.

-Tucker Max

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict muffins for peace Dear Editor: In an ongoing effort to promote campus dialogue about political tensions in the Middle East, Students for a Peaceful

Palestinian Israeli Future call on Bon Appétit to stand up for peace, cooperation and a positive tomorrow. To this end, we would like to see Hilltop Bakery, Whispers Café and all other pastry-serving locations offer Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Muffins.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If our campus starts each day with an important and delicious message of tolerance and peace, we can make a difference in this world.

Bon Appétit, Washington University, we call on you to trade in your political leanings for muffins, and together we can bring peace to the Middle East. A muffin a day keeps the suicide bombers and armored bulldozers away.

-Ari Herman Rosenbladt Students for a Peaceful Palestinian Israeli Future

YOUR VOICE: LETTERS AND GUEST COLUMNS

OUR VOICE: EDITORIAL BOARD

OUR (SPIDER)WEB POLICY

Student Life welcomes letters to the editor and op-ed submissions from readers. They make for good bonfires.

Editorials are written by monkeys and reflect the consensus of the jungle. The editorial board operates under the influence (have you ever seen a drunk monkey? It’s really funny!) and enjoys long walks on the beach and basketweaving.

Once an article has been published on www.studdeath.com, our (Spider)Web site, it will remain there for all eternity. If you attempt to have a published articles removed, we will disclose to the community your outbreak of syphillis and you will be embarrassed.

Letters to the Editor One Brookings Drive #1039 St. Louis, MO 63130-4899

Jenny: 867-5309 Fax: (314) 935-5938 e-mail: letters@studdeath.com

All submissions must include the writer’s name, phone number, bust size, glamour shots, social security number, and two credit cards for verification.

Student Life reserves the right to use your pictures and/or information in an inappropriate manner if we should see fit. Forest Park Parkway is a godsend and we believe that man never landed on the moon.

Pan troglodytes: Sarah Kliff Cebus apella: Liz Neukirch Macaca fuscata: Justin Davidson Colobus guereza: David Tabor Lemur catta: Mandy Silver Gorilla gorilla gorilla: David Brody

Erythrocebus patas: Andrei Berman Papio hamadryas: Daniel Milstein Eulemur fulvus: Tess Croner Saimiri sciureus: Nathan Everly Tarsius tarsier: Chelsea Murphy Saguinus oedipis: Jill Strominger

Why do we do this? Because Google Maps is the best. True that, double true. We accept monetary and sexual bribes to take published (spider)web material off the web, but we must confer with our wise and humbled advisor, Fergie. Girl, you know you t-a-s-t-e-y.

Senior Foreplay Editor / Foster the Emu / foreplay@studdeath.com

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

STUDENT LIFE | FOREPLAY

7

Higher education does not Manatees ruin mean higher procreation everything

BY GNICHOLAS THE GNU

BY CHASTITY ABSTEN

MOOSE GNUCKLE CONNOISSEUR

TOWN BIKE

was born on a Tanzanian plain in one of the most edenic regions of the Serengeti. For many wealthy Europeans, my home is paradise. Wearing their oversized hats and trenchcoats, they come visit me on what they call “safari” all the time. They usually play this fun little game with me and my community, when they chase us with guns and shoot, and then we run at them and gore them. Some of my fondest memories are of playing safari. But for me, there was always one place that was better. I heard of this place known as Washington University in St. Louis, where everyone, even the deer and the antelope play. But once I got here, I soon found that this was no home on the range.

I came early and participated in the LAUNCH pre-orientation program. Even though everyone had two legs, we frolicked and danced and laughed and laughed. Playing safari never even occurred to me. Some of the friends I made in LAUNCH are still my closest friends. I went to every program offered during orientation, and I even attended multiple programs at the same time (never underestimate the power of a gnu).

But then, on the last day of orientation, my roommate moved in. And, to my shock and horror, it was a manatee.

Manatees are Darwin’s rejects, and have no place at this University. They are responsible for global warming. We have often heard Al Gore and others tell us how basically the whole world will be underwater before long because of global warming. Now ask yourself, who benefits from that? Manatees, of course. They want to take over the world, but currently cannot survive on land. All

T

here’s too much sex on this campus.

I walk to dormitory halls, I go into Student Health Services for a flu shot and I stroll through Mallinckrodt during tabling times and all I see are condoms, condoms, condoms. I don’t need some “friendly” Wash. U. student handing me a condom and telling me to have safe sex. I don’t want to go to the library only to be confronted by disgusting pictures of sexually transmitted diseases. No thank you.

With the members of the University so crazed about STD’s, I urge the campus to adopt a policy of strict abstinence. HPV, UTI’s, STI’s and all of those nasty letters can be eliminated if we would just keep our pants on.

Passing out condoms at every possible campus location only encourages students to procreate. Who needs condoms when you can have a chastity belt? As part of the new abstinenceonly education plan, the University can offer chastity belts and purity rings instead.

I don’t want my tuition and health fees going to fund other people’s sex addictions. My parents don’t pay $44,000 to further my education only to have some of it going to the purchasing of condoms. Condoms don’t grow on trees, you know.

The University must be putting out so much just to stock dorm floors, student groups and SHS with these latex tools of promiscuity.

An abstinence-only policy would be easy to enact. First off, stop offering condoms all over the place. Save some rubber trees, for crying out loud! Some poor exploited

I

OMG

SHOES

ABSTINENCE KELLY | STUDENT LIBEL

minority population somewhere in the world is probably being forced to slave away creating condoms just so some couple can get off.

Choose conflict free, choose abstinence.

Furthermore, the University can develop anonymous hotlines. If you know of someone having sex (it’s not hard with thin walls and

sexiled roommates to figure who’s getting it on) call it in and the Sexual Maintenance Squad (S and M’s) can put a stop to it.

So to you, my fellow class mates and my University, I urge you to abstain. Clean up this campus, clean up your life and help end child labor in third world condom producing countries—

choose abstinence.

Chastity is a junior in the Business School (BS) and is currently aiming for her MRS degree. She is President of the Organization of Arts and Sciences Majors (Org.AS.M.) and she can be reached at notgettinany@notmail.com.

of us, from gnu to emu to human, will be forced off this planet. Except for manatees.

My room was already turned into a tank so my roommate could survive, and as a result, I spend nearly all my time in the library. Imagine that happening to all of us. Each and every one of us. Forced out of our homes, out of our atmospheres. The manatees will force all of the non-aquatic animals off the planet, then eat everything that’s left. Do you want to be eaten? That’s what I thought.

Manatees are also lazy, and contribute nothing to society.

My roommate hasn’t even left EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU EMU (Editor’s note: Gnus were civilized by emus, and like emus, can only speak English for a certain amount of words before reverting to Emuranta.

Gnicholas the Gnu is one of the smarter emus, and can speak 391 words of English before his natural language becomes unintelligible to the rest of us).

God, I hate hippies

BY BABA O’REILLY OP-ED SUBMISSION

2. Green Action

W

I don’t even know where to begin with this lot. The official agenda of campus environmental groups like Green Action is to work towards providing a sustainable and naturally beautiful campus, but I can tell you right now that this is a load of crap. The truth is that the only reason environmentalists give a care about protecting the trees and the bushes on this campus is that they all provide nice hiding places for them to sneak up behind you and ambush you with fun facts about which prominent Republican politician clubbed a baby seal today. I hope they get eaten by the squirrels.

hen I was approached about writing a column for Student Libel, I must say that I was surprised. Granted, I haven’t exactly been on good terms with Student Life ever since I placed almost every college newspaper editor in my “Hall of Shame,” but that’s a different story. So I was trying to figure out what I should write about, and then it dawned on me. I should write about the ridiculous number of hippies that are currently going to school here. I’m not going to paint a rosy campus picture for you. This campus is crawling with too many hippies for me to morally justify doing that to you. All I can do is tell you what kinds of hippies are present on this campus, and let you do the rest.

1. Student Worker Alliance Yes, nothing motivates a campaign for better working standards quite like a bunch of lefty college kids who skip classes and sit on their asses in the admissions office for several weeks with nothing to do to except apply topical cream to all of the skin rashes that they get from wearing hemp bracelets. But that wasn’t enough for you, was it? Oh yes, you also had to ruin Taco Bell for everyone by whining about some nambypamby fair tomato pricing hoax. Now red-blooded Americans like myself can’t enjoy a delicious half-pound cheesy bean and rice burrito on this campus. And why? To make a few tomato-hating, tofumunching, dashiki-wearing hippies happy. For God’s sake, the half-pound cheesy bean and rice burrito doesn’t even have tomatoes in it! Jesus Christ! How you’ve managed to continue peddling your socialist agenda is beyond me, but I have news for you hippies: I will not let you ruin freedom.

3. Anyone who lives in the Wash U. Co-op The Co-op is the largest nest of hippies that you’ll ever fi nd. Whether its members are praising the egalitarian traits of a utopian commune or kicking around a hacky sack while waiting for the bong water to be changed, you’ll be sure to notice that something just isn’t right. Maybe it’s their unhealthy obsession with regularly cooking their meals using fresh produce from their gardens. Maybe it’s the frequent buzzwords like “community” and “sharing.”

Regardless, you just feel that the spirit of Karl Marx runs this co-op.

So there you have it. Keep in mind that this is by no means an exhaustive list of all the different types of hippies on campus. For starters, anyone who disagrees with this my assessments is a de facto hippie. But I have faith that every real American on this campus can survive this onslaught of hippies so long as they do one thing: buy my latest book, “Culture Warrior,” for only $26.00.

SOME HIPPIE WHO CAN’T SPELL. SEE? HIPPIES ARE WAY LAME I STUDENT LIBEL

8 STUDENT LIBEL | DEPORTES

D-III Athletics Snob / Andrei Berman /deportes@studdeath.com

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

DEPORTES CAMPUS CONSTRUCTION INCORPORATED BY TRACK TEAM

This week in sports INTRAMURALS Bawden strikes out three times in IM softball hame “It was too slow.”

After whiffi ng for a third time, Bawden let his frustration get the best of him. He cursed loudly, reportedly exclaiming: “Curt Schilling is one thing, but this kid’s in TKE.” Witnesses chuckled thoroughly, as Bawden directed his angst at veteran umpire and football trainer, Jerry ThatChristian-Kid-in-AEPi. Bawden was then tossed from the con-

Junior Tommy Bawden, who spent two seasons in the Red Sox farm system prior to enrolling at Wash. U., struck out three times in an intramural softball game last Tuesday night.

Bawden, a Wash. U. football player, went down swinging all three times in the co-ed, slowpitch battle on the IM field.

“I just wasn’t used to that kind of velocity,” explained the former minor league infielder.

test by the self-proclaimed “Gentile Giant.”

League Commissioner Sean Curtis had no comment on the subject and many IM insiders, who have asked that their names not be revealed, believe Curtis’ close relationship with Bawden’s fraternity will ensure that no further disciplinary action will be taken against the Phi Delta Theta brother.

FOOTBALL Guthrie to quit football team, become folk singer in my name for Chrissake,” said the now-former impact player who is a distant relative of Woodie and Arlo. “If those other Guthries can make it, so can I,” added the junior.

Guthrie believes his football experience at Wash. U. will help him in the folk world: “I have a real niche to make it in the

Wash. U. running back Scottie Guthrie announced at a press conference yesterday that he will not be returning to the gridiron next season. Guthrie dropped football so that he could have time to focus on his budding career as an independent folk singer.

“It’s in my blood. I mean it’s

industry. I think there’s a lot of demand for a non-peaceful folkie. I want to make hard-hitting folk singing the new big thing.”

Asked if his approach to folk singing might be antithetical to the genre itself, Guthrie responded, “I do what I want. I’m a Guthrie.”

Kindbom drops F-bomb worrying about football.”

Kindbom, who is known more for his ability to fi nd and distribute borderline inspirational speeches and e-mails than for his profanity, issued a statement apologizing for his behavior.

“I apologize to God, my family, Mark Wrighton, and to everyone who is affi liated with Bears football. My use of the

According to sources inside the program, Wash. U. football coach Larry Kindbom dropped an F-Bomb during last week’s spring football camp workouts.

After junior Defensive End Chris Rhoades missed a tackle, the veteran coach allegedly said, “F--kin golden boy; kid’s spend too much of the off-season running his East Coast frat and playing the saxophone, not

‘F’ word is an embarrassment to anyone affi liated with this University,” said Kindbom in a prepared statement.

Asked if his use of the word warranted a special press conference, Kindbom replied, “Of course it does. Unlike Charles Barkley, I understand that I’m a role model.”

DANA KUHN | STUDENT LIBEL

Student attempts to jump over crane, clears bar instead. Ooooooops.

BASKETBALL Syvertsen, Blood to get married name in hopes of increasing his rep within the Wash. U. basketball program. Head Coach Mark Edwards has criticized Syvertsen in the past for being “pale and soft.”

Syvertsen explained that his new name, Phil Blood, sounds intimidating and would reso-

In an effort to boost his street cred and earn more playing time, Phil Syvertsen of the men’s basketball team proposed to volleyball freshman Vicki Blood Friday night at Bear’s Den. The sophomore shooting guard plans to take Blood’s last

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Wash. U. Cross Country star Kevin Opp is also a star in long-distance Track and Field events.

The rare two-sport sensation has impressively managed careers in long distance running and longer distance running,

respectively. The sophomore managed successful campaigns in both sports over the 20062007 school year, prompting That-Cliche-Sports-Analyst to profi le Opp in That-Lame-Newspaper.

“In this day and age of high-

ly specialized athletics, it’s nice to know that athletes like Opp are still out there playing more than one sport. Not only does this kid run, he also runs,” said the piece.

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nate among his teammates. “I dunno, man. No one can pronounce Syvertsen. With my new last name, they know who’s boss.”

Vicki Blood declined comment. An October wedding in Graham Chapel is planned.

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Irish Dockworker / Erin McFults / scadenzstar@studdeath.com

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

STUDENT LIBEL | SCADENZSTAR

9

Wash. U. introduces dining changes Bon Appétit replaced by British company

BY ELIZABETH TASTIWITHANEE TURKEY CLUB ON RYE LOVER In an unprecedented business take over, Bon Appétit has been replaced by “Ye Olde Trading Company.” This British-based entity has moved to increase food diversity on campus by phasing out all foods perceived as “American” and replacing them with their British counterparts.

“Her Majesty’s Kingdom gave birth to this country of ‘America’ and it’s time American students appreciated their roots,” said Reginald Cornwallis Peeperkins III, Earl of Worcestershire.

Peeperkins III, Earl of Worcestershire will be replacing Kathy Carmody as head of food services on campus.

American food stations will be phased out in food courts such as Bear’s Den, Mallinckrodt and Center Court. The station fi rst targeted for elimination is the Fryer in Bear’s Den. Home to American favorites such as chicken tenders and Freedom fries, Peeperkins III views the removal of this food station as “a step in the right direction.”

British breakfast favorites will include soft boiled eggs (you didn’t think anyone could screw up a hard boiled egg, but the British can) and porridge. Other food favorites include toad in the hole and shepherd’s pie. Blood sausage and mutton will also

appear on menus all around campus. Furthermore, French fries will be eliminated in favor of chips.

University officials are already at work installing a Scottish food station.

“It’s getting to the point where I have a harder time fi nding a plain hamburger on campus,” said concerned student, Chris Een. “Although, I’m getting used to the idea of the haggis at the Scotsman’s Carvery.”

Kaldi’s coffee in Whisper’s, Ursa’s and the Hilltop Bakery will be replaced by tea and scones and crumpets will predominate muffi ns. Peeperkins III urges students to embrace tea in place of coffee, since tea has antioxidants and health benefits.

The crepe station is also targeted for immediate removal since Peeperkins III views crepes as “dangerous to the young, impressionable minds and stomachs of America.”

Meal plans will be adjusted accordingly. The point system will be replaced by pounds. Off campus students can register for the smallest meal plan, the Tea-Time plan.

Those previously accustomed to the larger point allotments of the Bountiful plan will now sign up for the Union Jack.

“I’ve already added pounds,” said off-campus resident Eatin Lottz.

Other minor adjust-

ments include replacing all ketchup with malt vinegar, offering marmalade and having a pudding station with plum, bread and blood puddings instead of “fro-yo.”

Mallinckrodt will be adding a new station, the East India Trading station, which will offer spices and other Indian cuisine favorites.

The new company will be replacing Subway with a pub, where Happy Hour will now take place.

“This harkens back to the days of the Ratskellar,” said Peepkins III. “A bit of ale never did anyone any harm.

We look forward to a warm reception from the student body.”

B&D security will be promptly replaced by bobbies and Her Majesty’s guards.

With their inability to show emotion, the University expects these new guards to efficiently remove boisterous drunk students from the fryer line on weekends.

Director of Student Health Services Alan Glass does advise, however, that students be wary of beef products offered under the new food administration as they may be tainted with mad cow disease.

Would you care for some of the Queen’s peas? How about some royal lamb’s feet? May I interest you JOHNNY TREMAIN I STUDENT LIFE in some bad teeth with that?

‘Ello, poppet. Would you care for some scrumpets or mad cow with your side of bad teeth and dry humor?

Hunting and gathering: new exciting choice for student dining

BY THE SILVER FOX PREDATOR Under heavy student pressure to provide a wider selection of dining options on campus, Washington University administration recently introduced a new meal plan to be offered to all future classes, starting with the incoming Class of 2011.

The plan, tentatively called the Forager, allows students to experience a fresher selection of meats and vegetables found around different parts of the campus itself.

The main difference between the Forager and the current meal plans is that rather than swiping a card to purchase food prepared

by Bon Appétit employees, students will actually roam campus in search of live game and edible fruits. The University plans to spend over $300 million on new edible landscaping and animal breeding practices catering to Forager subscribers, who will be free to pick fruits and berries at any time. However, just as the Kosher Cart is restricted to students on the Kosher meal plan, the new orchards, fields, and meadows will be restricted to Forager use and will be constantly monitored for trespassers. Several crops have been discussed as candidates to be planted, including blackberries, soybeans, apples, sweet yams and Bradford pears.

Once signed up for the

Forager, students will receive the accompanying “Live like a Bear” survival package free of charge to aid them in their daily search for food.

Included in the package are a “harvest basket” to gather wild fruits and vegetables, a pass key to the electric fence which will surround the cultivated crops, and a convenient, sawed-off shotgun to aid in their pursuit of fresh game. Likely sources of meat will include pigeons, rabbits, squirrels, pre-frosh and rare migratory birds.

The University is extremely optimistic about the implications of the plan and is ready to put it into action.

“This is an historic moment for the University, and for that matter, all universities across our country,” said Chancellor Karm Nothgirw.

“No longer will students be confi ned to eating food that others have grown, slaughtered, manufactured, butchered or otherwise prepared for them.” Arts & Sciences Dean Sames “Fox” McGloud agreed, saying, “The Forager will bring a whole new degree of freedom to our students, and will bring them one step closer to living in the real world of brute survival and general carnage.”

Surprisingly, there has been some scattered criticism surrounding the implementation of the Forager plan, though the administration was quick to dismiss that there was any cause for concern. Some of the opposi-

CROG THE CLUBBER I STUDENT LIFE

Me like rabbit. Mmmmm, tasty in belly. Somewhat gamey. Good with Miller High Life. tion has been concerned with the proposed devotion of the entire Brookings Quadrangle to sorghum cultivation. A concerned parent wrote in, “If the quad is converted to cropland, my son will have no place to comfortably pass

out drunk after W.I.L.D. next year! This is utterly inexcusable.”

McGloud explained, “Agricultural space is sparse on our campus, so we’ve got to make the best of what we have.” He also used this ex-

planation to defend the plan to convert Mudd Field to a series of honey bee colonies.

Safety concerns have also cropped up, namely surrounding the essential Forager survival package.

Nothgirw was quick to

reassure, however, explaining, “Any 18-year-old who doesn’t know his way around a sawed-off 12-gauge has no chance of being admitted to Washington University in the fi rst place,” quickly adding, “Those ingrates go to Emory.”

FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FORESTPARKPARKWAY FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER FILLER

10 STUDENT LIBEL | SCADENZSTAR

Irish Dockworker / Erin McFults / scadenzstar@studdeath.com

SEX:

now delicious and nutritious!

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

A Glimpse into Your Future: Horoscopes for April

BY TEIGH STEE CONDUMB PROFESSIONAL CONTRACEPTIVE TASTER

BY LY URR SIGHKICK In an effort to increase vitamin intake amongst Wash.

U. students, the Washington University Medical School has developed vitamin-enriched condoms that will soon be available to the entire University community. This pioneering discovery has influenced universities throughout the United States to start their own condom experiments. The condoms target several essential vitamins. Read on to learn how you can improve your health— simply by having sex!

PSYCHIC GYPSY

Aries March 21–April 19 It’s Keep America Beautiful month, so you might want to really think about getting that nose job.

America technically supports individuality, but that still doesn’t give you the right to be individually ugly in a country obsessed with perfection. Get on it, buster.

Taurus

Vitamin A Everyone knows that keen eyesight is vital in life and this vitamin contributes largely to healthy eyesight. Vitamin A condoms come in many different colors and flavors, each catered to different tastes. For the milk lovers out there, there are now chocolate milk-flavored condoms. For those of us who love eggs, the special yellow condom is rumored to taste like a delicious egg croissant. Carrot connoisseurs, you are also in luck: the orange condoms come packed with a scrumptious carrot taste.

vitamin C is also important for maintaining body tissues and keeping muscles in top shape, these condoms will surely do wonders for your member.

These condoms, as the singer Vitamin C once intelligently sung, are sure to “put a smile on your face.”

Vitamin C

Vitamin D

Want to help reduce the risk of catching a cold while engaging in sexual activity with that special someone? Orange juice is now a thing of the past; all you need to boost your health is some of these great new condoms. In addition to delicious orange flavored condoms, vitamin C condoms also come in grapefruit, lemon and assorted other citrus fruits that will help your body resist infection by toughening up your immune system. Since

Our bodies would be nothing without bones. These vitamin D condoms are therefore specially designed to help you keep strong, healthy bones.

Vitamin D is also essential for forming strong teeth and absorbing the calcium that your body needs. These condoms will really give your teeth something to sink into, like the savory dairy products condom line. In addition to chocolate milk-flavored condoms, different ice cream flavors are

THE WOMBMATE

currently being produced.

Flavors like chocolate, vanilla and mint chocolate chip are all loaded with Vitamin D to help regulate a solid bone structure.

Vitamin E Without this important vitamin your body tissues would suffer. Vitamin E maintains important body tissues in your eyes, skin and liver. In addition, this vitamin protects your lungs from air pollution and helps in the formation of red blood cells. Usually, you would eat whole grains to get enough of this vitamin. Now, you can just turn to the special line of bread-flavored condoms. For the nut lovers out there (and what condom user doesn’t love nuts?), these condoms also come in a wide selection of nut flavors that range from pecan to almond.

Vitamin K Although relatively obscure, this vitamin is crucial for normal blood clotting. If you didn’t have this vitamin, scrapes and cuts would be much worse. Foods like pork and dairy products are primary in acquiring this vitamin, so condom flavors like pork and different cheeses are now available.

With the Wash. U. Medical School’s reputation as the top med school in the universe, it’s no wonder that these vitamin-enriched condoms have garnered attention all over the world. With the introduction of these condoms, sex can now be delicious and nutritious at the same time.

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High Series- 1027 TBA (Tracy Faxel, Allison Rader, Blair Roberts)

High Series- 790 DPT B (Colleen Winters & Sumeet Aggarwal)

Individual High Series- 363 Jennifer Downs (Buder Browners)

Individual High Series- 391 Ashley Glade (DPT A) Individual High Game- 136 Ryan Kaya (DPT A)

Individual High Game- 132 Kelly Szamborski (DPT ‘08) Jodi Abbott (Buder Browners)

MEN’S DIVISION High Series- 1427 Suite 10 (Jeremy Kim, Kirk Lin, Tae Hyung Kim) Individual High Series- 508 Joey Fasl (Dardick 4 Money) Individual High Game- 172 Rob Winning (Bombers)

POINT LEAGUE DIVISION High Series- 1685 Theta Xi (Peter Kruger, Lane Seidman, Nate Figler Individual High Series- 484 Mike Dunn (AEPi) Individual High Game- 186 Zach Mandel (Phi Delta Theta)

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April 20–May 20 Through the power of magic, you will be transformed into a tan 1987 Ford Taurus with green interior, 13-inch Giovanni tires, and slight rust damage to the hood. You will come fully equipped with a cassette tape deck, power windows, power locks, air conditioning and 178,000 miles.

Gemini May 21–June 21 Things look pretty good this month. Buy some cake. Eat it too.

Cancer June 22–July 22 You will get cancer this week.

Leo July 23–August 22 VH1 has decided to fi lm a new reality show about deadbeat stoners, and you will make a perfect cast member. Get ready to be reduced to a caricatured version of your former self. And don’t you even dare try to censor what you do—this is reality TV, after all.

Virgo August 23– September 22 This month is going to have its ups and downs.

Do your best to navigate the murky waters of college life.

Use the buddy system, eat lots of fresh fruits, and never forget to pack lip balm.

Libra Sept. 23–October 22 You will fi nd true love this month. Unfortunately, your true love will give you gonorrhea.

Scorpio October 23– November 21 This month, failure isn’t an option—it’s a fact.

Luckily, in today’s society, failure basically means the chance to turn yourself around, succeed and become the subject of a major motion picture.

Sagittarius November 22– December 21 Burst out of your bubble and explore the world around you.

Travel to East St. Louis, pick up a prostitute and take a wild ride.

Capricorn December 22– January 19 Unfortunately, that letter you got from the Chancellor isn’t a hoax. You did indeed fail all your midterms, and you are indeed being kicked out of this fi ne institution. Pack your bags, say your goodbyes, and get on out.

Aquarius January 20– February 18 This is going to be the best month you have had in a long time. But don’t forget about the people who liked you even when it wasn’t socially acceptable to be seen with you.

As soon as your life returns to normal (translation: living hell), you’re going to need a few real friends to fall back on.

Pisces February 19–March 20 You will have sex with a beautiful celebrity, who will make all your dreams come true. He will present you with extravagant and exotic gifts and take you on long walks on the beach. Have the time of your life with Pauly Shore!

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

STUDENT LIFE | CLASSIFIEDS

CLASSIFIEDS Line Ad Rates

FREE Classifieds

Rates listed below are for businesses or individuals not affiliated with WU.

Classified ads are free to students, faculty and staff for personal use.

To place your FREE 25-word ad, simply email us from your WU email account.

Classifications Help Wanted For Rent Roommates Sublet Real Estate For Sale Automotive

There is a 15-word minimum charge on all classified ads.

The first three words (max. one line) are bold and capitalized. All ads will appear on studlife.com at no additional charge.

Please check your ad carefully on the first day of publication and notify Student Life of any errors. We will only be responsible for the first day’s incorrect insertion.

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In order to be published, all ads must be placed and paid for by: Mon. edition: Wed. edition: Fri. edition:

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Fax: 314.935.5938 Don’t forget to include a contact number so we can confirm pricing & payment!

ROOMMATE WANTED ATTENTION COLLEGE STUDENTS: Part-time work $12 base/appt. Flexible Schedules. Customer sales/service. Scholarship opportunities. No experience necessary. Call 314997-7873.

PHOTOGRAPHERS FOR FREELANCE sports assignments in STL. Serious amateurs & pros welcomed. service@runphotos.com.

PLAY SPORTS! HAVE FUN! SAVE MONEY! Maine camp needs fun loving counselors to teach all land, adventure & water sports.

Great Summer! Call 888-844-8080, apply: campcedar.com SUMMER CAMP COUNSELORS needed for premier Jewish Sleep-a-way camp in Southern California.

Positions available for talented, energetic, and fun loving students as general and specialty counselors. GREAT SALARIES, room & board.

July 8th-Aug 20th. For more information and to apply: w w w . c a m p mountainchai.com 858-535-1995.

2 pm Thurs.

2 pm Mon. 2 pm Tues.

Email: classifieds@studlife.com

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Placing Your Ad

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Click on the “Classifieds” link on our website to get started!

1-5 issues: 50¢ per word, per issue 6-9 issues: 40¢ per word, per issue 10+ issues: 30¢ per word, per issue

11

$350- ROOM IN Great Waterman Group House! 7 minute walk to WU, 5 minute walk to Metrolink, on gold shuttle route. Graduate students preferred. Call (314)374-9645.

3 BEDROOM 1.5 BATH APARTMENT. Half block from RED line shuttle. Many amenities! For more info w w w.homeandapar tmentrentals.com Tom 314.409.2733 3 BEDROOM 2 BATH AT U. CITY. Close to the campus and Loop. Complete renovation with fenced backyard.

For more information call Mark at 314-738-0918.

3 BR, 2 full bath on blue Shuttle, garage and off street parking, new kitchen, many amenities! For more info w w w.homeandapar tmentrentals.com.

Tom 314.409.2733 NEWLY RENOVATED, CLEAN, quiet, spacious 1 bedroom apartment. Near U City Loop, WU, and Clayton.

Central Air, hardwood floor, dishwasher, washer/dryer, garage, smoke-free. No pets. $600/ month. Call 314-3691016.

SOULARD APTS. 4 BD, 1800 sf. & 2900 sf. Must See. All have granite countertops, cherry cabinets, stainless steel app, ceramic tile in K’s and B’s, hardwood floors, ample closets, W/D, bsmt storage, beautiful enclosed courtyard, Largest Unit has gas fireplace, Jacuzzi, & extra lg. BD’rms. Perfect For Shared Living. $1700, $2200.

(314) 565-0552.

CLAYTON, U. CITY LOOP, CWE and Dogtown.

Beautiful studios, 1, 2 bedrooms.

Quiet buildings. $425-$750. Call 725-5757

SUMMER SUBLET AVAILABLE May-August in CWE. Studio apartment one block from Wash U med school and shops. Furnished. $450 monthly, gas included.

Contact wangjud @msnotes.wustl. edu.

SUMMER SUBLET- 6157 Waterman Blvd, 3 bedroom 2 bathroom apt. $492/ room plus utilities. Close to campus and Metro. Contact jlkl@cec.wustl.edu.

SUMMER SUBLET AVAILABLE in 6632 Washington Avenue. 1 room in a 2 bedroom apartment.

Unfurnished but we will buy your furniture from you. $450 monthly plus half utilities.

Contact nruvinsk@artsci.wustl.edu.

4159 UTAH- TOWER Grove South. 2 bedrooms/1.5 bath $137,900. Stained Glass Windows; hardwood floors; Updated kitchen; Garage w/ car port; Home Warranty!

Call about Open House!

Grand Slam Realty 314-6038555. www.grandslamrealty.com.

200-250 MEAL points for sale. 75 cents/ point OBO. Contact jrw8@cec.wustl. edu if interested.

300 MEAL POINTS available for transfer to your meal plan. Send price offer to c mmor ela @ ar t s c i.w u s tl. edu.

D I A M O N D B A C K SORRENTO MOUNTAIN Bike, 26”, 21spd. Fully adjustable/quick release tires and seat, $65 o.n.o. ($250 new). Helmet, lock available +$10. Great condition. Email sa3@cec.wust.edu.

VINTAGE SCHWINN BICYCLES with fenders for sale @$100 each. Pristine condition. Located blocks from WU. Inspection by responding, giardina@wustl.edu or calling 314-249-3363.

WASH U MEAL Points for sale. Up to 300 available.

Very reasonable pricing.

Email twprocto@wustl.edu.

WASH U MEAL points for sale. Up to 400 meal points available.

Contact jejones@wustl.edu.

1 OR 2 roommates needed.

3 bedroom, 2 bath, large kitchen. 1.5 miles from campus. Rent: $366/month plus utilities per person. E-mail wej1@cec.wustl.edu

GRADUATE STUDENT SEEKING 2 roommates for Westgate apartment for Summer and/or Fall 2007. 1 large and 1 small bedroom.

Large Living room and kitchen. Laundry in next building. Safe Location. On the loop and on the metro route. Rent is $300 (with utilities). Contact Nikky (nc3@cec.wustl.edu).

AUTOS 1992 FORD TAURUS For Sale- $850. Dark Blue, 126K miles. In excellent condition and very reliable. See w w w.xanga.com / wufordtaurus for details.

2001 KIA RIO for $3,300.

Manual transmission, 73k miles, runs great, two minor dents, CD player. Averages 30 mpg! Pictures available.

Tiffany at 314-640-6661.

$5000 PAID. EGG DONORS. +Expenses. N/smokers, ages 19-29, SAT>1100, ACT>24,GPA>3.0. Reply to: Info@eggdonorcenter.com

WANTED EARN $2500+MONTHLY AND more to type simple ads online. www.DataAdEntry.com.

ANNOUNCING WANT TO GO to Africa?

Volunteer this summer!!

CREATE is a group of students looking for 2 more by April 13. For more info: www.create.outreachafrica. org and email projectCREATE@gmail.com PRINCETON PH. D. in theoretical physics, Washington University Professor of Physics offers tutoring service to high school and/ or college students in mathematics and/or physics. Call Frank at 314-569-0715 if you have questions. Our office is centrally located at 8600 Delmar Blvd., Room 218, University City (just off I 170). We charge $50.00 per hour. Bring your textbooks and we will work through them. We look forward to seeing you.

Hang With Us This Summer Student/Young Professional Dues Discounts & Month-To-Month Memberships

Open Swim • Café • Complimentary Group Fitness Classes Poolside • Social Events • Off-Season Sport Specific Training *Restrictions may apply. ©2007 Wellbridge

Forget to grab an edition of Studlif e view it at www.studlife.com

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Sudoku

By Michael Mepham Level: 1

2

3

4

Complete the grid so each row, column and 3-by3 box (in bold borders) contains every digit 1 to 9. For strategies on how to solve Sudoku, visit www.sudoku.org.uk.

Solution to Friday’s puzzle

Sudoku on your cell phone. Enter 783658.com in your mobile Web browser. Get a free game! © 2007 Michael Mepham. Distributed by Tribune Media Services. All rights reserved.

4/2/07

www.WellbridgeAC.com

314.746.1500

7620 Forsyth Boulevard, Clayton

12 STUDENT LIFE | SCADENZSTAR

Irish Dockworker/ Erin McFults / scadenzstar@studdeath.com

MONDAY | APRIL 2, 2007

SCADENZSTAR A story of inspiration: she cuts it the straight way

BY INNAW OVAHERO AKA TOMMY PICKLES When life throws lemons, some people don’t have the strength to do anything productive with them and the lemons just go rotten. What used to be a beautiful yellow fruit turns brown, mushy and useless on the

inside. Others, in spite of receiving lots of disintegrating peels on a regular basis, still manage to make a pretty delicious cup of lemonade.

Take a look at Lorrie Snooter, a freshman at Wash. U. This year she has to deal with the horrors of a ripped nail and there is no one that could shoulder this bur-

THE AMAZING ZIPPO I STUDENT LIBEL

Ew, I don’t want to touch this girl’s hand. What the hell is that on her finger? I think I’m gonna hurl.

den with more pizzazz.

“I was in the dorm showers without my contacts in and as I rummaged around in my shower caddy I sliced the nail on the right middle finger in half with my Venus razor blade. It was truly painful. Since then it’s been really hard,” she said.

Snooter has been dealing with this condition for over two weeks and it’s caused her a multitude of problems.

“Well, during the first week, the cut wasn’t healing right so I was bleeding quite a lot. Band Aids didn’t really stem the flow much. I bled on my campus card when I was handing it to cashiers. Meeting people was kind of hard too, because I couldn’t shake their hands with my right hand. I’ve had to start shaking hands with my left hand, and I always have to pause before I do it because it’s not natural, so I always look reluctant to shake someone’s hand.”

Snooter has found ways to work around her problem though. For instance, since she can’t shake hands too well, she compensates with an extra friendly smile and a sunny disposition. She wiggles her nose to show that she especially likes

THE AMAZING ZIPPO I STUDENT LI BEL

I’m so sad. I have a gross finger. Woe is me. Boo hoo hoo. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. My life sucks. If life is so beautiful, why do roses have thorns? *cry* someone. She has trouble writing because she can’t put much pressure on the nail and also doesn’t want to flip everyone else off as she writes. Snooter still goes to class, of course, though the severe stinging in her nail sometimes makes it hard for her to pay attention.

Because of her injury, it’s not possible for Snooter, an avid athlete, to participate in sports the way she used to.

“I was on the volleyball team, but since my injury my finger complains every time I hit the ball,” said Snooter.

To get in her exercise, Snooter took up tap dancing, and it turns out she might just be the next

Savion Glover.

Snooter has encountered some interpersonal malice because of her cut. She says that some people see her red, black and blue appendage and sneer and turn their noses up at her.

“But you know, those people aren’t worth my time anyway,” said Snooter definitively, eyes focused straight ahead. “Besides, most people have been very warm and supportive. I told my floor what was up when it happened, and no one has acted any differently towards me. They’ve been amazing. I have really great friends.”

As she should. Keep scootin’ Snooter!

Career Center uses Game of Life to place students

BY ANITA JOBE CAREER COUNSELOR In an effort to place more graduating seniors in successful jobs, the Career Center will be using the Game of Life to determine student strengths, weaknesses and interests. Students will meet with a Career Center official (who is typically a Wash.

U. alum anyway) and a group of other students. The group will play the Game of Life and Career Center officials will take note of

careers, salaries and life choices achieved during the game.

“This is a great way to place people in jobs they can be successful in,” commented Career Center advisor and Wash. U. alum Jane Read. “When someone picks that police officer card or accountant card or artist card, you know it was meant to be and you watch how the students progress through the game with their card selections.”

The University expects to see great improvements in graduat-

ing senior employment opportunities.

“Once we see what their future job will be, we can put them on the right track immediately and not bother with other class options,” said Dean McLeod. “It’s effective and cost efficient.”

The new game plan will also end the flood of freshmen into the pre-medical program.

“With this system, one kid per game group is going to be the doctor and that’ll be that,” said Regina Fried, chemistry profes-

sor. “Then we can focus solely on those kids and not work so hard to weed out all the dumb, optimistic kids.”

The University also views the new program as a way to teach students about raising a family, purchasing insurance and earning money.

“This game is about as close as you can get to real life. I just wish I had this opportunity when I was a student,” said Ima Stillheer. “Then maybe I wouldn’t still be working for the Univer-

sity, since that’s not a job option card in the game.”

In order to keep alum employment numbers up, however, the Career Center and the University plan to work with Milton Bradley to add “Career Center/Admissions officer” to the job cards.

“Graduating seniors without other job options are our best work force,” said McLeod, “so we just want to make sure we keep the game and job options unbiased.”