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W E D N E S D AY APRIL 1, 2004 Vol. 125, No. 66

Future looks bright; we suggest shades


INSIDE Brutal murder grips campus DEEP THOUGHTS

A review of albums you’ve heard of, Jess Minnen rocks out at the Britney Spears concert, Matt Simonton shows his love for Gigli and Making Wupee asks the question, “Do boys have cooties?”


Police are short on leads By Jayson Blair q Senior News Editor Wash U. Bunny was murdered last night, roughly 30 feet north-east of Mallinckrodt. Don Strom, chief of the WUPD, said that the killer was still at large. “We are conducting an investigation into this incident. Rest assured that those responsible will be brought to justice,” he said. Police believe that Bunny was peacefully contemplating the greatness of Washington University when he was assaulted at roughly 1:20 AM. A bloody screwdriver was found on the scene. Coupled with the bloody hole in the back of Bunny’s neck, police are confident that the victim was stabbed by an unnoticed attacker, and died without struggling. “What kind of sick fuck kills his victims with a screwdriver?” mused Strom. “Until we fi nd this monster, I urge students to be proactive in campus safety by slamming dorm doors shut immediately after entering.” No fi ngerprints were found at the scene. “We are dealing with a sophisticated criminal,” said Strom. He later acknowledged that officers had only dusted three areas. It was not immediately clear whether WUPD had suspects in this case. Although Strom refused to comment on this matter, another police official, who spoke on condition of ano-

nymity, said that there was a prime suspect. “We have good reason to believe that the killer was one ‘EnBunny.’ A suspicious character fitting EnBunny’s description was seen in the vicinity of the crime just prior to the attack,” he said. Apparently, witnesses claim that they saw EnBunny inch closer to his target over the past week. The fi rst sighting of EnBunny was at Lopata Hall, though he was subsequently seen next to Louderman and the Women’s Building. “What’s interesting is that nobody actually saw EnBunny stalk the victim. During the day, we have reliable accounts that he did not move at all,” the official said. “The morning after the murder, he vanished without a trace.” While EnBunny’s motives are unclear, there has been no shortage of speculation. “It was defi nitely jealousy,” said sophomore Ben Trahan. “Bunny was a work of art, but EnBunny… well, he was just a freak. I mean, he was built by engineers, and they’re not exactly known for their sense of aesthetics.” EnCouncil President Katie Leikhim denied the allegations. “The Engineering Code says that all our creations must be for the benefit of mankind. There’s no way we’d ever build a murderer.” Leikhim admitted, however, that in a fight, “EnBunny would kick Bunny’s ass. Hell, there would be no fight, because EnBunny’s top-secret stealth field would allow him

See BUNNY, page 2


The crime scene where The Bunny was murdered late Tuesday night. WUPD is short on leads.


DC loss makes students more productive Lack of masturbation causes health concerns

In response to the school’s overwhelming support of athletics and high attendance records, WU goes Division I.

By Stu Pidazz q Staff Reporter


tight pink shirts, fishnet stockings and a Coach purse that the SAE brothers detected something was amiss. “I was very confused. At first I thought it was a joke, but when he showed up to chapter in one of his getups, and I knew we had another identity crisis on our hands,” commented SAE brother Josh Stanton. According to Karen Johnson, the director of Greek Life, such occurrences are not all that uncommon. “This happens every couple of years—the kilt seems to just overpower them and they have fullon identity crises.” Johnson added that these incidents are frequent

One month after the administration terminated Direct Connect, the popular network fi le-sharing software, students say the loss has made them increasingly productive. Whereas many formerly spent hours downloading pornography and watching illegally downloaded movies each day, they are now fi nding new lives outside of their dorm rooms. Some administrators estimate that the shut-down freed over 14,000 man-hours per week for students to dedicate to other pursuits. “At fi rst I was mad when the hub got shut down,” said sophomore Mike Jackowitz. “I mean, I would sometimes go weeks without actually stepping outside of my dorm, but I’ve found other ways to fi ll the 12 hours I usually spent on the server each day.” “I fi nally got bored one day and went outside,” he said. “The sunlight hurt my eyes at fi rst, but pretty soon, I was talking with other human beings and making friends.” Jackowitz said he now leaves his dorm room almost daily. Physicians from Student Health and Counseling Services say they believe students are also become increasingly sexually active—at least with other people—based on the dramatic increase in condoms being taken from its offices. One student, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity, said his own activity has sharply increased in recent weeks. “I used to spend my Friday and Saturday nights downloading the latest Jenna Jameson videos from Direct Connect. When I couldn’t do that anymore, I started going to parties and talking to actual girls. I had no idea it was so easy to have sex with another living, breathing person!” Former DC users have also found that they have more time to dedicate to their academic pursuits. Even faculty members have noted the increased vigor with which students approach their assignments.

See PLEDGE, page 2

See DC, page 2

Who would you rather... William Greenleaf Eliot


Joanna gets help from one of his new Mu Phi Gamma sisters putting on his makeup. An SAE “pledge”, read hazing event in which pledges were forced to wear a skirt made Joanna realize his other self.

Pledge goes for Mu Phi Gamma instead of SAE By Toby Tobias q Contributing Reporter



Everything was going great for freshman Joe Cook: He was the captain of his floor’s IM soccer team, was dating the hottest Kappa pledge and, most recently, was enjoying the brotherhood and debauchery of being an SAE pledge. Last week, however, as Joe was walking to the library in his kilt, the latest pledge requirement, he had a revelation: he had great legs. “I started wearing the kilt all the time, even when we didn’t have to; it became a part of me,” said Cook. At first the brothers did not even notice, instead assuming he was simply expressing his SAE spirit. It was only when he began accenting the kilt with

Student sues Bon Appétit over chicken fingers By Health Conscious q Staff Reporter


F*ck Marry

INDEX Cadenza Forum Calendar Sports

pages 5-6 pages 7-8 page 11 page 9, 11

Freshman Sherry Carbofat filed a lawsuit against Bon Appétit Catering yesterday, claiming that the dining service company caused her to gain fifteen pounds since the beginning of the school year. “The chicken fingers are just too good not to eat,” said Carbofat. In her suit, she claimed that this breaded meal, available at the campus eatery Bear’s Den, is responsible for her weight gain. She said that she started eating the chicken fingers on the first day of school, and since then has tried to quit on multiple occasions. Each time she suffered from horrible withdrawal symptoms and had to rush to Bear’s Den at the last minute for the chicken in fear that she might otherwise go into shock. Carbofat said that she wants Bon Appétit to make this breaded chicken meal less likely to tip the scales.


“If they’re going to make them that good, they shouldn’t let them be so unhealthy,” said Carbofat, who wants the company to reduce the fat content of the fingers and pay her for the trauma of outgrowing her Juicy Couture sweat suit. Pierre Grosse, general manager of Bon Appétit, dismissed Carbofat’s suit as erroneous. “She’s just looking for someone to blame,” Grosse said. “Personally, I think that the beer’s to blame before our chicken fingers.” Grosse said he does not think that Carbofat will win her lawsuit. Jackie Chiles, Carbofat’s lawyer, however, believes otherwise. He said that the humiliation that Carbofat has suffered as a result of her weight gain is enough to make any judge or jury take pity on her. “She is no longer able to keep up with the social scene at Wash. U.,” argued Chiles. “As long as she can’t wear skimpy tank tops to the frats,

One Brookings Drive #1039 #42 Women’s Building St. Louis, MO 63130

See LAWSUIT, page 2 Newsroom: (314) 935-5995 Advertising: (314) 935-6713 Fax: (314) 935-5938


Sherry Carbofat shows off the weight that she has gained, which she attributes to Bear’s Den’s chicken fingers. Carbofat is suing Bon Appetit.

Editor: News: Calendar:

Please Recycle


News Editor / LIBEL /


the WUrld POLICE BEATINGS MONDAY, March 29 7:41 A.M. FIRE, NORTH BROOKINGS—Magic Mark started a small fire in his office after mixing two volitle chemicals. Magic Mark stated that he was trying to invent the successor to the glow stick. 9:35 P.M., SICK CASE, LEE DORM—EST responded to a student throwing up profusely. Health Services believed the student was pregnant. Turned out student had eaten at Taco Bell and had food poisioning. 11:15 P.M., SUSPICIOUS PERSON, WOMEN’S BUILDING—Custodial worker employed by a university contractor believed to be here illegally. WUPD contacted INS. Worker here legally. University decided to deport worker anyway. No reason given. TUESDAY, March 30 1:25 A.M., FOUND PERSON, TKE—Caller reported seeing Osama Bin Laden in TKE basement. WUPD asked by Republican University Board members Stephen Bauer and Sam Fox to allow Osama to continue to live there until closer to the Presidential elections. 2:36 P.M., LARCENY THEFT, BEAR’S DEN— Manager reported theft of plastic silverware. Approximetely 20 pieces taken. Total loss estimated at $1.03. Investigation on-going. MALLINCKRODT CENTER

CAMPUS Football program may be cut Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton is considering cutting all funding for the University’s football program. The Chancellor hopes to use the funds to add an additional bowling alley to the basement of his residence. The decision has been controversial, especially within the athletic department, but the Chancellor explained that the addition of the alley will help bring aspiring bowlers to the freshman class, while helping to increase enrollment among Missourians and other rural and working-class populations that have been under-represented at the University. He also added that at other schools, bowlers have achieved higher standards of academic achievement than football players. Pig Skin, a quarterback on the University football team, disagreed. “The Chancellor doesn’t know what he is talking about. I passed all my B-School classes last semester.”

Freshman Iym A. Clutz, left, is pictured here leading a tour just before strumbling backwards over a parking barricade. Clutz, a member of the Student Admissions Committee, sustained a strained wrist and bruised buttocks. He also suffered a bruised ego as the pre-frosh stood over him launghing. Clutz noted, however, that the embrassement wasn’t that great, as he was able to work his injuries into his tour. “We have this great thing called EST,” said Clutz. “It’s best equipped to assist inebriated students, but can also help those who sustain injuries while on campus.” Clutz added that he had called EST four times, but never because he was too drunk to make it to the toliet to throw up. Clutz was able to recover and finish the tour, but was later fired by the director of admissions, who said Clutz’s performance was an embrassment to the University and will likely cause the number of applications to plummet.


Observers to oversee SU elections

West Wing to include Spider hole

University students have requested that international observers be sent to observe this week’s Student Union elections to make sure that they are fair and free of corruption. Students have become concerned with how SU is conducting the elections after Student Libel raised concerns over election commissioner Spencer Young’s measures to prevent candidates from speaking about certain ballot measurers, such as whether SU executives could be paid. There have also been objections raised over how SU is spending students’ activities fees to influence the outcome of the elections. Dont U. Dare, one of the future observers, said that rampant corruption in student government is not atypical, and that fair elections are the only way to turn things around.

Building plans leaked to the Associated Press show that ongoing renovations of the White House will include President Bush’s own spider hole. White House spokesperson Scott McClellan said that given the president’s reputation on the international diplomatic stage, he can never take too many precautions. “After studying all of the President’s security options, we decided that Saddam Hussein had a pretty damn clever idea. I mean, this guy can hide huge weapons of mass destruction. We decided we could actually learn a lot from Saddam about hiding the President from public view, which is important, especially with an election coming up,” said McClellan.

150 Proof, 150 Years

Anheuser-Busch helps mark the Sesquicentennial By Jack Daniels q Inebriated Reporter Just in time for Spring WILD, Anheuser-Busch has announced that it will help the students have one last excuse to drink to celebrate the University’s 150th Anniversary, namely with a new beverage—Bacardi Sesqui. The company, which has a long history of providing funding and alcohol to the University, announced the new beverage in a press release this past week. The beverage is a spin-off of the Bacardi 151 currently produced by Anheuser-Busch that, according to the release, is “a smooth, golden rum, rich in flavor for the student who really wants to get drunk fast.” At 150 proof, it is the second-strongest rum in the Bacardi line. “We at Anheuser-Busch are required by law to encourage students to drink responsibly, but we also know that at a school as demanding as Washington University, binge drinking helps students to relax and have fun,” the press release said. “Bacardi Sesqui was created to celebrate the work hard/play hard attitude of Washington University students.” In addition to the name, the bat Bacardi logo will be modified for the Bacardi Sesqui label. Instead of a black bat within a red circle, the logo will be a dark green bat within a red circle. While Washington University’s name will not appear on the label due to legal issues, Anheuser-Busch hopes the drink’s name and the use of the University’s colors on the logo will entice students to purchase the new beverage. According to the press release, “It’s a new kind of school spirit.” Student reaction to the new drink was positive. “Hell yeah,” said junior Rob Weinstein, a member of the Alpha Epsilon Pi fraternity. “I think it’s great that Anheuser-Busch is making a drink for the University. I bet we’re the only top ten school that has an alcoholic beverage made for us. Do you think they’ll give out free samples?” Other students agreed that they would probably purchase at least one bottle of the alcohol just because of the ties to Washington University. The administration, however, was not as pleased. The Office of Student Activities, which has been working all year to limit alcohol consumption, released a statement strongly opposing Bacardi Sesqui. Beginning this year, OSA rules prevent alcohol other than beer and wine from being served at any event affiliated with Washington University. The recent OSA press release claimed it would be hypocritical of the University to condone Bacardi Sesqui, since they do not allow any hard alcohol consumption at University events. The high percent of alcohol by volume also concerns administrators, who already fear many students at the University have a problem with binge drinking. Weinstein said, however, that the women at OSA shouldn’t always be getting their panties in a bunch. “Come on,” said Weinstein, “We’re just trying to have some fun. So what if a couple of students get sick. It’s nothing EST can’t cure with some smelling salts and one of those airplane bags.”



LAWSUIT v FROM PAGE 1 she won’t be able to get a random hookup, let alone a steady boyfriend.” Chiles is calling for Bon Appétit to change its chicken fingers to a reduced fat or, at the very least, reduced carb offering. “I don’t know if I buy into this whole Atkins thing, but at least it might help my client shed a few pounds,” said Chiles. Bon Appétit released an official statement hours after news of the suit was leaked to the press by Chiles. The statement reaffirmed the company’s commitment to providing tasty food, noting that students can always eat bread as a healthy alternative. “We make a profit by making students smile when they eat our food,” said Grosse. “That won’t happen with low-fat or low-carb chicken fingers. Students want the real thing.” Bon Appétit has been serving the University since 1998, operating dining facilities throughout campus. “We will not be intimidated by a student,” said Grosse.

DC v FROM PAGE 1 “It’s amazing,” said Professor Ima Arroguntfuk of the philosophy department. “A few months ago, I’d be lucky if two-thirds of my students actually turned in their assignments. Today, they’re practically begging for more work. If I assign a two-to-three page thought paper, half of them turn in 20-page dissertations just because they had nothing else to do.” Several leaders from campus student groups have also reported a surge in student interest soon after the DC hub was shut down. Though it is difficult to attribute all new student group activity to the shut-down, the recent surge in interest is undeniable. In the past two weeks alone, Student Libel became a daily publication, WUTV began airing actual programs, and Student Union allegedly did something important. The Athletic Complex has also reported extremely high levels of use, which they attribute to students’ pent-up energy. Health Services noted, however, that not all of the porn drought’s side effects have been positive. Already overworked treating cases of mono and pregnancy, Heath Services’ staff members have also been inundated with reported cases of acute blue balls. Director of Health Services Mel Practice said that his office already has plans in the works to curb this problem. Students will soon be able to pick up complementary copies of Playboy, Penthouse, and other magazines, along with free lubricants. Practice is also working with the library to add to their video collection. Practice noted, however, that students are still not permitted to view pornography on public computers in the library.

Student left behind Lee Jones, whose son attends Mark Twain Elementary School told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch on Monday, that she is going to “take dem asses to court and sue da shit out of ‘em,” referring to Secretary Rod Paige and the United States Department of Education. Jones is planning to sue the department over the federal “No Child Left Behind” statue. The dispute arose when Jones’ child, Lee, Jr., was left behind during a school field trip to the Missouri Historical society. “They go promisin’ that yo kid ain’t going to be left behind, and see what they did. All that time spent in dat place, the musuem could have gotten to his head.” Jones has already been in contact with several dozen lawyers who are eager to represent him pro-bono. “This case is a gold mine,” said Clayton lawyer Mitch M. Argo.

St. Louis Bread Co. changes name Administration responds to Clarke Today, President Bush challenged former counter-terrorist expert Dick Clarke to meet him at the bike racks outside the White House to settle their ongoing dispute. After a heated verbal exchange before a recess in a meeting regarding the 9/11 hearings, Clarke reportedly told Bush, “Liar, Liar, pants on fire!” Bush responded with the accusation that Clarke is, in fact, a “doodyhead.” Clarke agreed to meet Bush, but only if his “dorky friends” Colin and Donald stayed out of the fray. This led to some whining on the president’s part, but he agreed on the condition that no one “tell his daddy.” The two plan to fight until the Secret Service intervenes.

Officals at the former St. Louis Bread Company have changed thier name to Bacon Company in order to take advantage of the new low-carb craze. The company’s new name and changed menu reflect the dieting craze. Company president Heart A. Ttack said that new menue items include fried bacon a la cheddar cheese and gourmet pork rinds, among other healthy, low-carb options. The new company will also have wider booths in their restaurants and will add drive-through windows to their restaurants to accomodate their new customers. Nutritionist Bonnie Dick said that she is skeptical about the Atkins diet, “But this new South Beach diet, this might actually be able to replace dieting and exercise.”

Christian Science Team offers alternative to EST CST prays, waits for God to heal patients By Donald Shanedling q Contributing Reporter Washington University students may have a surprise the next time they dial 5-5555 to report a medical emergency. Beginning Monday, calls to the emergency number will be divided evenly between the existing Emergency Support Team (EST) and the new Christian Science Team (CST). This February, the University’s five Christian Scientist students formed CST to offer an alternative to traditional medical assistance. Whereas members of EST are trained emergency medical technicians who use proven techniques to stabilize patients, members of CST will attempt to heal patients simply through the use of prayer. “Everyone assumes that the only way to get better is by using medicine or some new-fangled medical contraption,” said Eric Wasp, the president of CST. “But it doesn’t matter how powerful your doctor’s medicine is—we will always have something more powerful…the power of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior.” Just like their counterparts in EST, members of CST will jog to the scene of medical emergencies wearing tight navy polos, struggling to keep their heavy, Nixon-era walkie-talkies from pulling down their pants. CST’s unique approach to healing, however, immediately becomes apparent when its team members begin treatment. “When they fi rst arrive to a scene, EST members start by committing terrible sins like checking the patient’s pulse and breathing,” said Wasp. “We will simply kneel next to the patient and pray to God to


heal her, unless of course He actually wants her to die.” Though several prominent students, most notably Student Union President Michelle Mueller, have opposed the group, administrators have come out in support of CST in recent weeks. “We were shocked and appalled at the discrimination we witnessed,” said Josh Wachachawa, head of the Social Justice Center (SJC). “People wanted to stop members of CST just because of their unorthodox beliefs. We went to the administration and demanded that CST get to answer just as many calls as EST.” Wasp was pleased with the support from the SJC. “Some people wonder whether we’ll be able to handle that many cases, but I think it’s going to be easy. EST actually has to go to the scene of an emergency, whereas we can just pray for people from our room if we’re too tired or if we’re at Bible study.” CST began assisting with medical calls during the weekend of March 20-21. Susan Marshall, one of the group’s emergency prayer technicians, said she was pleased with the results of the team’s maiden voyage. “We helped four drunk kids and a professor who fell and broke her hip,” said Marshall. “Almost immediately after we started praying, three of the sinners—I mean drunks—began to vomit. It was so uplifting to watch as God answered our prayers and expelled the evil from them. I was so proud of what we did!” She added, “Yeah, the fourth kid died, and that professor’s still moaning in pain on the sidewalk—but that’s exactly what God wanted to happen to them. Who can question God’s plan for everyone? Certainly not one of those sinners in EST.”


to sneak up on Bunny and wack the bastard before Bunny knew what hit him.” Leikhim refused to comment on EnWeek’s slogan this year, “Get Screwed.” Police attempted to contact the victim’s family, but only succeeded in reaching Bunny’s brother. He will not be able to attend the funeral because of a long-term engagement at the National Gallery of Art’s sculpture garden.

enough that Greek Life has established a set procedure to handle them. “We like to keep it low-key and quiet,” Johnson commented. “Normally, the individual drops out of the frat and joins that independent sorority. What is it called? Mu Phi Gamma?” “I just love all of my new MPG sisters; they have accepted me into their lives with open arms,” said Cook. Cook, who has changed her name to Joanna, can be spotted on campus as one of the few spirited members of MPG, always sporting her letters. “Joanna has been the most wonderful addition to our family,” said MPG president Amy GreengoldbergerShapiro. “I just wish all of our girls could have as much spirit as Joanna,” noted Greengoldberger-Shapiro.


T H E I N D E P E N D E N T M O C K E R Y O F WA S H I N G T O N U N I V E R S I T Y I N S T. L O U I S S I N C E 1 8 7 8 The crime scene w...

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