04 01 2009

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April 1 - April 14, 2009

Where the poor and homeless April 1 - April 14 , 2009

earn and give their two cents

D STE GE ON G S U N AT I DO

Volume 6 Issue 11

New Economy, Same Old Hustle

Shelter residents compete in Homeless Olympics Page 5

Homelessness ends ahead of schedule Page 6

Former execs hone their street peddling skills, see page 4

April Fool’s Issue

Unexpected candidates show up for vendor training Page 13

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April 1 - April 14, 2009

1317 G Street, NW Washington, DC 20005 Phone: (202) 347–2006 Fax: (202) 347–2166 info@streetsense.org www.streetsense.org

BOARD OF DIRECTORS Kristal DeKleer Lisa Estrada Ted Henson Mary Lynn Jones Sommer Mathis Brad Scriber John Snellgrove Michael Stoops Martin Walker David Walker Kathy Whelpley EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR Laura Thompson Osuri EDITOR–IN–CHIEF Mary Otto VENDOR MANAGER Gregory Martin ASSOCIATE EDITOR David S. Hammond (volunteer) VOLUNTEERS/WRITERS Sherry Antoine, Laura Arico, Gina Barker, Robert Basler, Robert Blair, Cliff Carle, Jane Cave, Rebecca Curry, Marceline Dawson, Jessica Gaitan, Cassandra Good, Joanne Goodwin, Roberta Haber, Carol Hannaford, Justin Herman, Annie Hill, Dan Horner, Phillip Hoying, Kayne Karnbach, Michael Kelly, MauriceKing, John Kinsella, Geof Koss, Brenda K. Lee-Wilson, Starlett McNeill, Kim O’Connor, Gabriel Okolski, Robert Orifici, Swinitha Osuri, Michael O’Neill, Jon Pattee, Katinka Podmankzy, Sarah Pope, Cara Schmidt, Jamie Schuman, Jesse Smith, Matthew Taylor, Robert Trautman, Francine Triplett, Eugene Versluysen, Jerry W., Linda Wang, Denise Wilkins, Marian Wiseman, Corrine Yu VENDORS Willie Alexander, Jake Ashford, Kenneth Belkosky, Tommy Bennett, Reginald Black, Corey Bridges, Bobby Buggs, Cliff Carle, Conrad Cheek Jr., Louise Davenport, James Davis, Bernard Dean, Muriel Dixon, Patrick Ebitit, Alvin Dixon El, Randy Evans, Tanya Franklin, Barron Hall, David Harris, Patricia Henry, Phillip Howard, Jo Ann Jackson, Michael Jefferson, Patricia Jefferson, Carlton Johnson, Jewell Johnson, Allen Jones, Mark Jones, Brenda Karyl Lee-Wilson, James Lott, Robert McCray, Charles Mayfield, Lee Mayse, Jennifer Mclaughlin, Jeffery McNeil, L. Morrow, Charles Nelson, Sammy Ngatiri, Eveykn Nnam, Moyo Onibuje, Thomas Queen, Kevin Robinson, Tyrone Rogers,, Franklin Sterling, Sybil Taylor, Eric Thompson, Francine Triplett, Carl Turner, Jerry W., Martin Walker, LawlessWatson, Ivory Wison

Our Mission

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Street Sense aims to serve as a vehicle for elevating voices and public debate on issues relating to poverty while also creating economic opportunities for people who are experiencing homelessness in our community.

The Story of Street Sense

Street Sense began in August 2003 after two volunteers, Laura Thompson Osuri and Ted Henson, approached the National Coalition for the Homeless on separate occasions about starting a street newspaper in Washington, D.C. A street paper is defined as a newspaper about poverty, homelessness and other social issues that provides an income to the homeless individuals who sell it. About 25 street papers operate in the United States and Canada in places like Seattle, Chicago, Montreal and Boston, and dozens more exist throughout the world.

After bringing together a core of dedicated volunteers and vendors, Street Sense came out with its first issue in November 2003, printing 5,000 copies. For the next three years the paper published on a monthly basis and greatly expanded its circulation and vendor network.

For the first year, Street Sense operated as a

project of the National Coalition for the Homeless, but in October 2004, the organization incorporated and moved into its own office space. In March 2005, Street Sense received 501(c)3 status, becoming a nonprofit organization.

In October 2005 Street Sense formed a full board of directors, and in November the organization hired its first employee, a fulltime executive director.

A year later in November 2006 , the organization hired its first vendor coordinator, and began partnering with several service providers.

In February 2007, the paper started publishing twice a month and to support the increased production, Street Sense brought on its first fulltime editor–in–chief in April.

As of January 2009 the paper has 80 active vendors and prints about 30,000 issues a month.

Do you want to continue to support Street Sense throughout the year?

Order a subscription today!

Not only will you receive 26 issues packed with all our latest news, poetry and photography, you will also help raise awareness about poverty in the D.C. area. ___ YES! I want to subscribe to Street Sense for just $40 a year for 26 issues. ___ YES! I want to give half of the cost of a subscription to my favorite vendor: ________________________________ Name: _______________________________ Address: ______________________________ _____________________________________ City:__________________________________ State:__________________ Zip: __________ Phone: _______________________________ E-mail: _______________________________ Please make checks payable to: Street Sense.

Mail to: Street Sense, 1317 G St. NW, Washington, DC 20005.

We are proud members of: North American Street Newspaper Association

International Network of Street Papers

Vendor Code of Conduct 1.

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Street Sense will be distributed for a voluntary donation of $1. I agree not to ask for more than a dollar or solicit donations for Street Sense by any other means.

I will only purchase the paper from Street Sense staff and will not sell papers to other vendors (outside of the office volunteers).

I agree to treat all others – customers, staff, other vendors – respectfully, and I will not “hard sell,” threaten or pressure customers.

I agree to stay off private property when selling Street Sense.

I understand that I am not a legal employee of Street Sense but a contracted worker responsible for my own well–being and income.

I agree to sell no additional goods or products when selling the paper.

I will not sell Street Sense under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

I agree to stay a block away from each another vendor and respect the space of all vendors.

I understand that my badge is the property of Street Sense and will not deface it. I will present my badge when purchasing the papers and display my badge when selling papers.

I understand that Street Sense strives to be a paper that covers homelessness and poverty issues while providing a source of income for the homeless. I will try to help in this effort and spread the word.

Last Month’s Donors...Thank You! Fahah Ashraf Dylan Crosson Antoinette Eates Jayme Epstein Lara Thornely Hal Doria Howel ING Clarion Coralie Farlee Janice Harper Effie Kapsalis

Erin Loken Gisela Marcuse David Martin Michael Mavretic Melani McAlister Sharyn Meister Kristen A Norden Rosetta and Michael Rathnam Maite Rodriguez Bernie and Becky Thompson John Walton

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April 1 - April 14, 2009

In OTHER NEWS

By Jeffery McNeil Vendor #133 From Board Room to Cardboard AIG bigwigs who are giving back their bonuses are so inspired by the good feeling that they want to do a Homeless Challenge with the National Coalition for the Homeless, and sign up to be Street Sense vendors for a day.

Due to public outrage, and sharp criticism from President Obama, they also decided to forgo massages, pedicures and vacations to the Swiss Alps and Monte Carlo in order to step up to their homeless challenge.

One executive, who wished to remain anonymous, said, “Since we made so many people homeless and unemployed, we might as well feel what it would be like to be homeless.”

A reporter asked, “Would returning ALL the bonuses be a better way to sacrifice?”

The question drew a brusque response.

“It wouldn’t be capitalism if we gave back our money,” the executive retorted. “Besides it’s unpatriotic! We see urinating in the woods and alleys like our homeless friends as a suitable gesture of solidarity.”

Nostalgia for a Gentler Age of Greed Gordon Gekko, Jeff Skilling and Don King

have recently joined in a nonprofit venture for feeding the poor and homeless called White Collar Ministries.

In their press conference at the National Press Club, they were asked about the greed on Wall Street.

They responded, “We were very compassionate—we shook hands and asked them for their money. We threw parties and at least gave them a drink or two. But today’s criminals have no ethics. They don’t care about the people they fleece!”

How the Mighty Have Fallen Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is also feeling the effects of the economy, on top of legal fees from her Troopergate scandal.

She has recently been seen in a local church asking for canned goods and toiletries.

“She still combs her hair, but she’s cutting down on the lipstick,” noted Wasilla neighbor Madonna Octomom.”

Recently she had animal rights activists angry over her decision to pawn her collection of polar bear pelts.

It’s hard to see a former candidate fall this hard!

We hear she might declare early for the 2012 presidential election because of the new wardrobe she’ll get.

Stocking Up On Firearms and Canned Goods Not all businesses are hurting. Hormel has had record sales of its Spam products. Also, cookie jars companies are seeing record orders for cookie jars.

“Since many on Wall Street have had their hands in the cookie jar, they like to purchase a couple of jars for their bonus money—or even just for old time’s sake,” said lifestyle guru Martha Stewart.

Retailers are also seeing an uptick in sales of survival gear.

“It’s like Christmas with our outdoor equipment sales. Tents, charcoal and hibachi grills are being sold out. We can’t keep them in our stores,” reported Ted Bunson, of Sarge’s Military Surplus in Youngstown, Ohio.

National Park Service spokewoman Rita Beaver reports an upswing in interest in the outdoors. But few of the tourists are leaving once they reach their destinations.

“Whole camping villages have sprouted in our national parks,” she said.

Finally, many CEOs have sold their Lear jets and limos and are riding on Metro buses and trains.

One formerly high-flying exec we saw coming up the escalator said, “It helps the bottom line.

It’s a nuisance using SmarTrip cards, but we are all making necessary sacrifices.”

Donate to Street Sense My Information

I will donate:

Name:_______________________________________________________ Address:_____________________________________________________ City/State/Zip:_______________________________________________ Phone:_______________________E-mail:_________________________

___ $50 for two vendor awards each month

Please make checks payable to Street Sense Street Sense is a 501(c)(3), nonprofit organization.

All donations are tax deductible.

Mail to: Street Sense, 1317 G St. NW, Washington, DC 20005.

You can also donate online at www.streetsense.org

___ $70 for food for vendor meetings ___ $100 for postage each month ___ $200 for the vests of 15 new vendors ___ $500 for rent for vendor office ___ $1,200 for the printing of one issue ___ Another amount of $_______ ___ Another amount of $_______ for vendor: ________________

In Kind Donations Needed * Messenger and tote bags and backpacks for vendors

* Laptop computers with at least Windows 2000

* Bottled water to hand out to vendors

and 10 GB of storage space

* Food for vendor meetings

* Laser color printer

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Master of the Universe to Master of U Street A Once Vaunted Professionals Finds Unusual Sources of Income

By John Kinsella and Denise Wilkins WASHINGTON—As global financial-services firms merge, dissolve, or make significant cutbacks, former executives are forced to find new and different sources of income, sometimes in unexpected ways.

Geoffrey Winthrop, a former derivatives trader for the bankrupt Lehman Brothers, once wellknown for bringing down the economy of a small European country, was forced from his Manhattan penthouse and onto the sofa of his less prosperous cousin, William, a procurement officer for the Department of the Air Force.

“Billy told me I had to get a job or sell my collection of vintage Mont Blanc fountain pens,” said Winthrop. “They’re always building on Park Avenue, but how many 1982 Meisterstück 149s are there?”

Meeting up with some former colleagues at a downtown soup kitchen, Winthrop realized that “our most marketable asset was our lifetime subscriptions to the Wall Street Journal.” From there, Winthrop hit on the idea of forming a cooperative where the former traders would pool copies of the day’s paper and he would sell them on the street for a significant markup. In the beginning, sales were slow.

“Unlike some of our former suppliers,” said Winthrop, “it wasn’t like any of us had that kind of ‘micro-enterprise’ sales experience.”

In the age-old tradition of foundering businesses, Winthrop brought in an outside consultant.

L. Morrow, a long-time and highly successful Street Sense vendor, provided some much needed expert advice.

“I could tell right away that they had a good product but needed help optimizing their distribution channels and exploiting their brand identity,” recalled Morrow. “First, that 300% markup had to come down to just over the newsstand price. Second, you can’t go checking customers’ clothing labels before selling them a paper. Most important though, you gotta have the green vest.”

Winthrop and his associates are not alone.

Economic forecasters predict a remarkable demographic shift in the number of former executives who could potentially turn to the untapped streetsales market. While accurate numbers are not yet available, unofficial indicators such as Brooks Brothers markdowns and high-end call girls working as baristas reveal a potentially idle labor force.

Some companies, trying to get out in front of this phenomenon, are tapping into this pool of former finance executives to augment their traditional sales units.

“These Wall Street guys have that innate grifter sensibility that has made them so successful selling ill-conceived products or products that don’t even exist,” said John Nakamura, Apple’s Vice President of Hustling and Flow Optimization.

“It does not matter how many human capital experts you deploy, this trait cannot be taught. So we take these hucksters out of Wall Street and turn them out on Main Street. It’s a win-win” “I didn’t know how I was going to finance my kids’ education and was about to return my Macbook Air when I saw Apple’s ad for its experimental sales program,” said Henry Buckwalter, who lost his job in the Wachovia-Wells Fargo merger.

“But now I have the opportunity to provide maximum value to an innovative company like Apple.,”

These Wall Street guys have that innate grifter sensibility that has made them so successful selling ill-conceived products or products that don’t even exist,” said John Nakamura, Apple’s Vice President of Hustling and Flow Optimization. he added.

While executives like Buckwalter are content with their diminished status, for others it is not enough. Geoff Winthrop is busy developing a new strategy that will get him back to his Manhattan penthouse by leveraging the foot-traffic market and diversifying into the lucrative tie clip and shoeshine industry.

“It’s all about trust,” says Winthrop, “trust that your investor…er…customer’s tie will never flap in the breeze. Their shoes will never be scuffed. And, of course, staying one step ahead of the regulators, sorry, I mean police. I can’t lose. I guarantee it.”

Street Sense Vendor L. Morrow offers assistance to Geoffrey Winthrop as he learns how to sell newspapers on the street. Winthrop was even able to make two sales throughout the day.

Photos by John Kinsella

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April 1 - April 14, 2009

NY Avenue Shelter Wins Homeless Olympics

By Laura Thompson Osuri After a long week of sharpening their homelessness survival skills, the residents of the New York Avenue Shelter took home the gold in the First Annual Homeless Olympics.

“You learn so many survival skills when you are out on the street and I am glad we were able to put them to good use. Goooooooo New York Avenue!” said shelter resident Mark McGee. The New York Avenue clenched their golden victory after resident Jon Cheeswit beat out Open Door Shelter resident Annie Bons in the Grocery Store Sample Eating competition. Cheeswit was able to put together the most nutritionally balanced lunch from Whole Food samples by combining various bites of smoked Gouda cheese, organic tomatoes, chipotle chili and whole wheat pretzel cookies. Bons did come in close second but lost the win when she filled up on one too many free samples of cinnamon coffee cake.

While Open Door did fall short in the sample eating competition, they shattered the McDonald’ssitting competition record. Claire Stihls, was able to sit for five hours in McDonalds ordering just one cup of coffee before the manager finally kicked her out. The second place winner, from 801 East Shelter lasted only four hours.

“All you have to do is find a corner table, order a

large coffee and drink it very slowly,” Stihls said. “It also helps to crumble up a few dirty napkins on your table so it appears like you just got finished eating.”

Other competitions including Dumpster Diving, Fountain Bathing, Polite Panhandling and Cardboard Box Origami.

New York Avenue’s major victory came when they edged out 801 East in Dumpster diving as resident Jon Springs was able to dive into a Dumpster and pull out five usable items in just 43 seconds, beating 801 by just one second. His items included three ink pens, a half roll of toilet paper and a half-eaten McDonald’s hamburger. However, 801 won the Fountain Bathing competition, coming out clean as a whistle, with freshly washed hair during the two minute allotted time. “I had to skip the conditioner this time, though,” said winner Donald Drain.

Even the shelters that did not take home a medal had a great time. George Brown from Gospel Rescue Mission was just thrilled to have a little fun with his

the skills he learned, but that he’s going to prepare better for next year’s Homeless Olympics.

“I definitely need to do more squats and lunges for next year, and I plan to work off these love handles,” Brown said. “They definitely slowed down my Dumpster diving capabilities this year.”

Bush Still in White House!!!

By Shawn Herring Vendor #253 As of March 31, George W. Bush was still living in the White House, remaining primarily in the basement, Street Sense has learned.

Closed circuit cameras have captured images of the form e r p re s i d e n t c re e p i n g around the executive kitchen, raiding President Obama’s refrigerator and sampling the fried chicken, according to an anonymous White House source.

He also drank all the Kool-Aid and left his dirty glass in the sink. Upon returning to the basement, he spread out his disaster blankets and took a nap. He told our source that has his best moments when Mr. Obama goes out to make public appearances; he sneaks into the Oval Office and farts in Mr. Obama’s chair.

“I’ll be glad when the Secret Service finally catches up with him.” the source said.

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Homelessness Ends!!

A lonely bench on 13th and G Streets after its former owner found housing, marking the complete end of homelessness in D.C. Caseworkers and soup kitchens throughout the city are attempting to pull together resources to create a new industry, but the future remains uncertain for social workers everywhere.

Lack of panhandlers sends shockwaves through the city.

By Marcelene Dawson In a stunning and unexpected announcement, the National Alliance to End Homelessness has announced that it has reached its goal of ending homelessness in America more than a year ahead of schedule.

Here in Washington, formerly “home” to nearly one million homeless people, the announcement heralds both the end of a trying period in each of their lives and the end of many of the area’s nonprofits that had been devoted to reducing homelessness.

“I thought the 10-year plan to end homelessness was pie-in-the-sky, like something from a Pollyanna movie,” said Sharon Kelpern, former executive director of Building Bridges, a nonprofit focused on helping men and women out of homelessness in Washington D.C. “But now as I pack up my belongings out of my desk, the reality is starting to set in.”

Kelpern was not alone in her thinking. Back in 2007, Cheryl Barnes, a formerly homeless member of the D.C. Interagency Council on Homelessness, thought it would take another 10 years to wipe out homelessness.

“When I first started advocating for the homeless, I was appalled,” said Barnes.

“The city didn’t understand the importance of this issue. Homeless people were tired of waiting for our piece of the pie. But then, the city just suddenly got it, funding flowed freely to effective pro-

grams, and there was a realistic way for each and every one of the city’s homeless men, women and children to transition into a meaningful, productive, safe, and stable lifestyle. I was amazed at how quickly everything worked out.”

In 2000, the National Alliance to End Homelessness set up a 10-year strategy to end homelessness in America with four key areas working together at the same time.

The first area was to plan for outcomes. Nonprofits were encouraged to mix up the assistance they provided to avoid fostering dependency on any one service and to collect better data.

The second area was focusing on helping the homeless with complex problems such as mental health needs first.

The third area was to create more permanent housing or housing with services. This permanent housing with services would reduce costs of other public systems in the long run.

Finally, the fourth area was to build infrastructure, which in short meant providing more housing, higher paying jobs and opening up more affordable services to the homeless population working toward self-sufficiency.

“The city’s commitment to dollars was definitely a good step in ending homelessness, and showed the city believed in the concept of preventing people from becoming homeless,” said Michael Ferrell, director of the nonprofit D.C. Coalition for the Homeless.

Nonprofits that used to help homeless popula-

tions are now out of business.

“Washington, D.C., I am proud of you,” said former D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams whose vision started this initiative. “We met our goal to end homelessness. Nonprofits, you have worked yourselves out of a job!”

Many employees from nonprofits are experiencing a mixture of excitement and anxiety.

“I’m so happy that homelessness is no longer a problem,” said Bryan Fickle, former caseworker at New Beginnings, an emergency homeless shelter in Washington D.C. “But now I’m scared about finding employment. Thousands of caseworkers are out of jobs and there is no new demand for us. I’m afraid I might end up living on the streets for a while unless I can find a new job soon.”

I’m happy homelessness is no longer a problem, but now I’m worried about finding a job. Thousands of caseworkers are out of jobs.

-Bryan Fickle, former caseworker

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April 1 - April 14, 2009

PLACE YOUR AD HERE For rates and info, call 202-347-2006 or visit www.streetsense.org

Now Providing Quality Dental Services for D.C. Medically underserved and homeless persons

….We treat you well

FOUNDRY A Reconciling Congregation Invites you to join us in worship on Sundays at 9:30 and 11:00 AM Homeless Outreach Hospitality: Fridays 9:00 AM

Foundry United Methodist Church For one of Unity Health Care’s Medical Homeless Service Sites Call (202) 255-3469

1500 16th Street, NW Washington, DC 20036 (202) 332-4010

www.foundryumc.org

For an appointment at any of our Community Health Centers Call 1(866) 388388-6489

THURSDAY — APRIL 23, 2009

FRIDAY — APRIL 24, 2009

National Observance and Candlelight Ceremony

National Crime Victims' Rights Week Awards Ceremony

Time: 6:30—7:30 pm U.S. Chamber of Commerce

Time: 1:30—3:00 pm Andrew W. Mellon Auditorium 1301 Constitution Avenue, NW Washington, DC

1615 H Street, NW Washington, DC

FEATURED SPEAKER:

Quincy Arrianna Lucas, Homicide Co-Victim and Founder of Witney’s Lights, Inc.

Online RSVP for both events required at www.ncvrw.org

Reception immediately following ceremony.

Each year the National Crime Victims’ Rights Week Awards Ceremony honors and awards the remarkable individuals and organizations that significantly contribute to the success of the discipline of crime victim services.

For more information about these events, visit www.ovc.gov

Free and Open to the Public Sponsored by: U.S. DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE • OFFICE OF JUSTICE PROGRAMS • OFFICE FOR VICTIMS OF CRIME Deaf and Hard-of-Hearing Accessibility: Designated seating area near video presentation with captioning and ASL interpreters will be provided.

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Hear NO Evil

Speak NO Evil

Anton Laubert

Allen Greenberg (Happy Al the Homeless Pal)

See NO Evil

Bill McNeil Photos by Natalie Yu

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April 1 - April 14, 2009

Knock Knock Joke Shawn was sitting in his living room watching television.

Someone knocked at the door.

“Knock, knock.”

“Who’s there?” Shawn asked.

“April,” was the response.

Shawn went to the door and opened it, expecting to see a woman.

Instead he found a man standing there.

“I thought you were a woman,” Shawn said, surprised.

“Ha Ha!” said the stranger. “FOOLED YOU.” - Shawn Herring

No Bull (This is not a parody!)

I bought this, um, object, at a local thrift store a few weeks ago. It’s the base for a statue of “The Bull of Wall Street” (likely a miniature of the famous bronze bull that stands in lower Manhattan). But the bull was missing.

That’s right – I bought the base for a miniature statue that had nothing on it but an enthusiastic essay about optimism on Wall Street, and four little spots where his tiny fake hooves used to be glued on.

And – no bull!

– David Hammond

Simply MY Work This is simply my work.

I am not a jerk.

I won’t be cruel To An April Fool.

Pay attention These words are true.

If you are not careful The joke’s on You. - Shawn Herring

Only Clowns Do Drugs Homie daClown doin’ something he’s got no business clownin around with-Daaaa!!

-Cliff Carle

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April 1 - April 14, 2009

gREGORY’S gREAT gAME

Good Luck!!

Vendor Manager Gregory Martin loves to create seek-and-find puzzles and drive the Street Sense staff crazy trying to find the answers. Below is his latest puzzle. Good Luck!

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By Reginald Black (Inspired by Carlton Johnson)

Arm Peace Ridge Ivory Love Fold

Only Ounce Legend Accent Price Rinse

Inch Length Food Onion O Lease

street sudokuo: puzzle 12 Difficulty level: Evil

LAST ISSUE’S ANSWERS

The month of April Fool’s and rain showers comes in like the blossoming Cherry Blossoms.

Remember to keep your Street Sense of humor- Today is a day to that keys in on laughter so giggle your hearts out! You should also take some time out to make someone else smile. When joy is shared it encases the earth and expands into the universe. “It takes more muscles to frown than to smile.” Remember if you are not spreading good cheer it cannot come back to you.

Today’s predictions not from the stars but the human heart it’s self. While you out enjoying being foolish or creating fools keep in mind that fun is not an emotion but a lifestyle

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Will write for food: Writer’s Group Writer’s Group meets Wednesdays 2:30 to 3:30 p.m. at the Street Sense office. A poetry after party is 3:30 to 4:30 p.m.

April Fool’s Day!!!!!!!!!

Using some history on the origin of April Fool’s Day, write up some jokes for our readers

The Real Meaning of April Fool’s Day

By Robert Warren

The real meaning of April Fool’s Day came from Rome during the time that Jesus Christ walked the Earth. You see it was around the time of April when the Romans thought they killed Jesus Christ and were going around telling people that the word of God was dead. Three days later people were seeing Jesus Christ rising up all over the place and so the word went out that all the Romans were fools, April fools! That’s how we got April Fool’s Day. To think that they thought they could kill off God, what fools! April fools! April Fool’s Day! Robert has recently become a vendor. Contact: robertwarren47@yahoo.com

Left Out in The Streets

By Elexci Arbuckle

The world is cutting many jobs and homeless people will be left out in the streets, said a paper I was reading the other day. Really, really! I am so surprised that would happen. Well April Fool - the economy hasn’t gone to that extreme yet anyways!

Elexci has recently become a vendor. Contact: borgenstire@aol.com

Milk Mistake

By Reginald Black

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender didn’t understand what the man meant. The man said he wanted white ice on the rocks, and hold the rough taste. The bartender grabs a model cow and places a cup under it and says “there ya go!!!!!!!!” Hint: never walk into a bar and ask for milk.

Reggie’s Reflections: The Angels?

By Reginald Black

I was still on the hunt. My crush seemed to be playing cat and mouse with me. I felt more lonely than ever. I stayed in a boiler room. It was O.K. - I could sleep there and I could easily get to H Street where I worked. I chatted often, in the office, on the bus - everywhere. I amassed more friends. It was a Friday afternoon when three of these new friends invited me out. So I promptly headed to Iverson Mall in Prince George’s County. After getting some food from the nearby McDonald’s, I cruised through the crowded hallways. Taking a seat on a bench on the mall’s far side I waited for my Net friends to arrive. It took a while, but when I saw them I thought it was worth it. They were visions. All three were attractive, but the seemingly homosexual male was a downer. I didn’t know why they brought him. Not really knowing if this guy was in fact gay, I stayed away from him, and continued to play with my chat friends. As we sat in the food court one of them did something strange: she rubbed me with her foot and made noises. All of a sudden it seemed like everybody wanted to get away from each other. I just didn’t understand why the male company, and why the apparent attempt to entice me? I wondered, did I deal with angels, or just devils with nice clothes?

Reggie helps with layout. Contact: roninworrior@yahoo.com

Knock Knock Jokes

By Patty Smith and David Hammond

Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Patty Patty who?

What a Patty it is that I missed the big sale on earrings and lipstick! *** Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Betty Betty who?

Bet on a buck Bet on a what?

Bet your bottom dollar Sure thing, lemme see if I still have one!

And if you do, you can spend it on earrings and lipstick! *** Knock knock!

Who’s there?

Petunia Petunia who?

Petunia earrings and lipstick – we’re going out on the town!

Reggie helps with layout. See “Reggie’s Reflections” for contact information.

“One of My Favorite Jokes”

by Cliff Carle

A guy went through a stop sign - he did the gangster roll, a “California stop” where he just slowed down but kept rolling. A cop was right behind him, and pulled him over. When the cop pulled out his ticket book and started writing, the driver shouted “Stop!”

The cop kept writing, but began to write really slowly. The driver said “I asked you to stop!” and the cop replied “Did you mean ‘stop,’ or did you mean ‘slow down but keep rolling?’ ” Cliff takes photos for Sreet Sense. Contact: cliffmoose1@gmail.com

Patty Smith is a longtime vendor. She likes bright clothes, earrings, and lipstick.

David Hammond likes gray clothes and knock-knock jokes.

The $40, Five-Day, Fully Guided Tour - NOT!

by Carlton Johnson

Maybe you’re wondering how to save money on your vacation this year. Well, you’ve read about the Homeless Urban Plunge, and now we are going them one better. What you are about to experience is the first step in the Journey of Hope. Tickets will be on sale at Street Sense for the low cost of only $40.00!

The responsibility is yours - get your tickets before the birth of a new national administration, right here at Street Sense! Timing is a must and on your journey you will be accompanied by your homeless guides for four nights and five days. This is the journey you just cannot miss, so call us today for your APRIL FOOL’S DAY tickets.

Yes, this is a Journey of Hope - and I HOPE you know I’m just kidding!

Carlton writes and helps with layout. Contact: inkflownation@gmail.com

PRODUCTION, HOSTING, LAYOUT AND SUPPORT: Cara Schmidt, Carlton Johnson, David Hammond, Patty Smith, Reginald Black

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April 1 - April 14, 2009

The Big Mouth Bass

By Ivory Wilson

D

on is a pro fisherman; he has traveled all over the world fishing, catching the big ones, deep sea saltwater fishing and fresh water fishing as well. Don is well known in the fishing world as the man who can catch the ones that you can’t, the ones that got away.

Don and some fellow fishermen were sitting in the local bar on the dock, drinking some cold ones, when he overheard some fishermen talking about a bass that was too smart for them to catch. There’s a pond where the men have been catching fish for many years but lately they haven’t been able to catch a fish – not one, not even a bite.

Their fish-finder shows that the pond is full of fish and they can’t understand what’s wrong. The men have tossed beer cans, Jack Daniels bottles, Fish and Stream magazines into the water, even a broken mirror.

There’s a big mouth bass that swims along the bottom watching the fishermen pull his friends out, and his friends never return. Sometimes he goes to the top of the water and from a distance watches the fishermen and listens to them talk.

He tries to make sounds with his mouth, watching the fishermen’s mouths. Trying to talk, he swims to the bottom and looks in the mirror. Trying to make sounds, he looks at the Fish and Stream magazines and the pictures of fish.

Big Mouth thinks, “I’m a fish and they catch us, but why and for what?” Big Mouth practices saying words all night and day, trying to make sounds for four months. Then a strange thing happens.

He makes a sound until he is able to talk.

Don is planning on going fishing this weekend at that pond. Betty, his wife, asks Don, “Dear, are you going fishing this weekend?”

Don answers, “Yes, you know fishing is my life.”

Betty says, “Yes, but I’m your wife. I think you need a new hobby. Don, I need you here. There are lots of things that need fixing.”

Don mutters and then says,“Yes, dear. Why are you trying to stop my fishing. I don’t want to stop.”

“I knew you would say that. Carol was right.”

“Carol. That shrink. You see her once a week.

What does she know?”

“Carol says you are upset with the fishing. She wants both of us to come in.”

“I’m not going.”

“Oh, yes you are.”

In Don’s mind he is thinking, “I don’t need a shrink. My cold beer and my Jack Daniels are my shrink.” Don’s reply is “Yes, dear, when I come back…”

Don gets to the pond, lowers his boat in the water, thinking, “Well, if I have to stop fishing I will catch that fish and show them guys. I’m the best.”

Don sees fish jumping in the water. He’s thinking, “Man, oh man. All these fish…“ He laughs, saying, “Them boys must have had too much Jack Daniels to drink that day.”

Don is now in the middle of the pond and he opens a beer, takes a few sips, sits down upon his

tackle box of hooks a n d l owe r s h i s b e s t fishing rod that he had custom made. Don thinks, “These colorful shiny hooks will do the trick. No fish can resist these.” Don lowers his fish-finder. Instantly, the fish-finder shows fish all around him, even under the boat.

Don stands up in his boat, casts his line out, reels it back. No hit. He repeats that t e n t i m e s . No h i t .

D o n s i t s d ow n a n d finishes his beer. He leans over the boat to fill the empty can of beer with water and lets it sink to the bottom. Don stands up in his boat again and casts out his line. This time Don doesn’t reel it in. He waits a second. A hit. Don feels pressure on his line. He jerks his line, reeling it back in.

He can feel some resistance on it. All of a sudden a beer can appears, coming out of the water and straight for him, fast like a torpedo, passing his head and just missing him by inches.

Don’s thoughts are, “What the hell is going on here?” Don unhooks the beer can, looks at it, and says, “This is a new can. I put it under my boat and watched it sink. I didn’t cast my line under here.”

Don casts his line again. As soon as it hits the water the line takes off, going around his boat counter clockwise. Don makes a complete circle in his boat and then it stops. Don’s stopper hook is gone. All that he reels in is the line – it has been cut. Don sits down, opens his Jack Daniels, and takes big slurps of it.

Don looks into the water to see a huge bass. He has never seen one that big. It is just submerged at the top of the water, five feet away from his boat.

Don is thinking out loud, joking to himself, and says, looking at the big mouth bass, “I bet you did this.”

Looking at the bass’ mouth, Don sees many little bubbles, and hears, “Yes, I did.” Don almost falls in the water. Looking around, he says “Oh. OK, you guys. You’re here and you’re playing jokes.

It’s not going to work. You can come out now.”

Don looks into the woods. No one comes out.

Don looks back down, into the water at the bass.

He hasn’t moved. Don’s mind is telling him, “No way.” Don looks at his fish net, thinking, “Maybe I can reach him with my net.” But when Don raises his net the bass moves back.

Don lowers the net back into the boat. He sits

down lower in the boat, looking at the fish. He drinks his Jack Daniels. “It’s on now, fish. I’m going to catch you. I’m not leaving here without you.” Don, thinking out loud, talking to himself, says, “Betty, you’re right. You’re always right. I do need a shrink. I’m seeing and hearing talking fish.

I guess I do need to stop.”

Big Mouth asks, “Your name is Don?” Don answers, “Yes.” “Why have you been talking to Betty?”

“Oh, what am I saying? I’m dreaming. This is not real.”

Big Mouth asks, “Don, are you good at something else?”

Don sits down, looking at Big Mouth. Big Mouth has come close. Don could reach him now, but he doesn’t try. Don answers, “Why yes, I can bowl and play baseball. My wife wants me to stop fishing. I think she is right. I don’t spend enough time with her. It’s about time I did.” Don is lying down in his boat with his head on his tackle box, talking to Big Mouth like Big Mouth is his shrink.

Big Mouth asks, “Do you care for your wife?”

Don answers, “Why yes, I love my wife.”

Big Mouth says, “I care for my friends. Do you see, Don? You don’t have to take us away from here. You are good at other things.”

Now Don sees Big Mouth as a friend and not a fish. Don looks at Big Mouth and asks, “You sure you haven’t been talking to Betty?”

Big Mouth looks up at Don, as if he is smiling, and disappears into the water. Don says, “Wait!” but Big Mouth is gone. Don never fished again.

Ivory Wilson has been a vendor for two years. He loves quilting in the wee hours of the morning on the Capitol steps.

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April 1 - April 14, 2009

MOVIE REVIEW:

Roger Rabbit and the Dip

By Patty Smith

W

Gecko’s Last Supper A happy home for a cat, who likes lasagna, and also for a gecko who may, or may not, have liked pasta, but had a very interesting English accent, and green skin, and little beady gecko eyes.

By Kenneth Belkosky

I

was working in the newspaper office one day, when I saw Garfield the cat and the Geico Gecko. I was wondering why they were at the office.

They said they were homeless and they needed work and a place to

live.

When I talked to them I said I would train them. I did tell Garfield I would take him as a pet. The other vendors tried to tell me not to take the cat home because he may eat me out of house and home. The Gecko was too small to be a vendor but I said I would help him out.

The year went by fast and I thank the people, but I do have bad news: the Gecko got stepped on. Tragically, he did not survive. The good news is Garfield is a happy kitty.

Oh, and one more thing: APRIL FOOL! Ken has been a vendor for a year and he likes swimming in the Reflecting Pool on the fifth Tuesday of the month.

Smile! It’s Spring!

By Patricia Jefferson

S

pring has sprung and flowers have bloomed and it’s April Fool’s Day again. Take the day to lighten someone’s spirits.

Consider yourself fooled when you are informed of a matter or situation and it is different than described to you. Each and every one of us, at some point in our lives, have experienced a joke from a family member or friend, especially on April Fool’s Day. I believe that jokes can be beneficial learning experiences in our lives. It is all in how the joke is perceived.

Out of sheer fun and amusement I believe April Fool’s Day to be entertaining. It’s a day to “knock the socks off” of someone. The day can turn into an unexpected twist that leaves no bad feelings despite your day being unraveled.

Consider the day as balancing your life.

Patricia has been vendor for two and a half years and she loves April Fool’s Day.

ho Framed Roger Rabbit” is a movie that brings character and laughs. It’s a race-around “who done it” and a lot of silly stuff goes on. It has camaraderie, the little mischiefs Roger Rabbit gets into, and how his buddies run around and try to clear his name.

The story starts off with Marvin Acme playing patty cake with Roger Rabbit’s wife. So studio head R.K. Maroon hires Private Eye Eddie Valiant to investigate. Finding all this information is true, the next day Marvin Acme is found murdered and Roger Rabbit is the prime suspect.

Now Judge Doom of the Toontown Superior Court is on the lookout for Roger Rabbit. So they go to the warehouse and Eddie is getting all of the Toons.

Eddie causes the weasels of the Toon Patrol to die of fatal hilarity, through various comic antics. Eddie and Doom fight, and it turns out that Doom is in fact a Toon himself. He gets sprayed with the dip, which dissolves Toons. Jessica is reunited with Roger, and Eddie is reunited with Dolores.

The movie is funny because Roger Rabbit was holding up production on the movie set and he wasn’t reliable – always slowpoking, slow-moving, and holding up production. He had trouble following the director’s commands. Roger is lackadaisical – taking his time. Then when all hell breaks loose, we ask with the director “Why did this happen to me? Is this my fault?”

We laugh at the director’s frustration – because we wonder why he hired that kind of person in the first place. We ask, didn’t you see this coming?

And you can also laugh because anyone could have played the part in the movie, but Roger Rabbit is the person he got to do it.

One of the funniest things is when Jessica gets up and sings about her love for Roger Rabbit. He gets dazed by this, and you can see that he is really in love with her. The way Roger swoons for her is both funny and sweet. It’s like young love.

And opposites attract – Jessica is a beautiful woman, and Roger is a scrawny little thing. It’s funny to see the difference between these two lovers, especially because they still love each other so much.

The movie is also funny because of how it is made. It has cartoon animation and real people together in each scene. You get used to this, and it’s interesting. You see the Toons running around and the real people running around too.

We’re drawn in to the lives of the cartoon characters. And we want to see them come out on top and keep the race going.

And it really truly is a love-scene movie. Like when Jessica has on a very seductive dress and sings a seductive love song.

“Who Framed Roger Rabbit” is definitely a movie that’s a comedy, and a love story, too. It’s rated PG, and would be good for some 14-year-olds, and for anyone older, of any age.

Patty has been a vendor for three years and likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain.

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April 1 - April 14, 2009

RFD’s

1st Annual Sounds for

Street Sense

POLITICKS Monday April 27, 2009 7pm RFD’s Back Room 810 7th Street, NW

(Just a half block from the Gallery Place Metro)

Faux Athletic Recreational Tournaments Presents the return of…

You Can Help!

DONATE GIFT CERTIFICATES

for your favorite restaurant to Street Sense and a vendor will go check it out, and Street Sense will thank you in a review. Typically reveiws are $50 to $70 (for a vendor and guest).

We would also love donations of food for

vendor meetings.

Please mail your gift certificates today to: Street Sense, 1317 G Street, NW, Washington, DC 20005.

Ap ri l

18 th

City-Wide Hide & Seek in DC! How it works

•Teams of “Seekers” (must be over 21) look for about 10 “Hiders” near metro stops in DC •“Seekers” get a list of the metro stops where the “Hiders” will be, clues on things they like to do, and their phone numbers •“Seekers” can text message the “Hiders” to ask what they are looking at •“Hiders” will not really be hiding, but rather simply doing things that entertain them • The first “Seeker” team to return upstairs of to Hawk and Dove for the after party who has found the most “Hiders” wins

Details Date: •April 18th (Saturday) Times: •11am-1:00 (Registration) •12:00-5:00 (Seeking) •5:30-8 (After Party) Starting Location: •Port City Java (701 North Carolina Ave, SE, Eastern Market) After Party •Hawk & Dove (329 Penn Ave. SE, Eastern Market) Cost:

How to sign up as a “Seeker”!

•Come to Port City Java (701 North Carolina Ave, SE) between 11am-1pm on the April 18th to register Faux Athletic Recreational Tournaments www.FARTinDC.org FARTinDC@gmail.com

•Donation of $15

$15 Donation for all-night happy hour prices

Wanna See More Vendor Restaurant Reviews?

S treetS ense.org

Proceeds supporting:

Street Sense

Announces the Second Annual David Pike Excellence in Journalism Awards In June Street Sense, DC’s nonprofit newspaper that empowers the homeless, will give out the second annual Excellence in Journalism Awards. The awards are in memory of late Street Sense board member and journalist David Pike. The awards honor print journalism that changes perceptions about homelessness, draws attention to the factors affecting homelessness, and influences social responses to homelessness.

Criteria

Submissions must: x address homelessness or the causes of homelessness (affordable housing, mental illness, domestic violence, health care, for example) x focus on the Washington, D.C., metropolitan area x be published in a local or regional print media outlet in 2008.

Categories x

x x x

Investigative Reporting. Entries may be a single article or a series of articles and may include additional materials such as sidebars or illustrations.

Breaking News. Entries must showcase deadline reporting of a single event.

Feature Stories. Entries may be personality profiles, trend stories, human interest stories, or any feature that is not a breaking news story. They can be a single story or a series.

Photography. Entries may be a single photo or a series of no more than three.

Submission Guidelines x x x x

Anyone can submit a story, whether you are a reader or the writer(s).

Please submit the article electronically as a text, PDF or HTML attachment.

Please include the name of the category you are submitting to, your contact e-mail, phone number and address.

If you are the writer of the article, please include a brief bio about yourself.

The deadline for the receipt of all submissions is May 8, 2009.

Please send submissions and questions to awards@streetsense.org.

S treetS ense.org WASHINGTON, D.C. SHELTER Calvary Women’s Services 928 5th Street, NW (202) 783–6651 www.calvaryservices.org Central Union Mission (Men) 1350 R Street, NW (202) 745–7118 www.missiondc.org CCNV (Men and Women) 425 2nd Street, NW (202) 393–1909 users.erols.com/ccnv/ Community of Hope (Family) 1413 Girard Street, NW (202) 232–7356 www.communityofhopedc.org Covenant House Washington (Youth) 2001 Mississippi Ave SE (202) 610–9600 www.covenanthousedc.org Housing, education, job prep Gospel Rescue Ministries (Men) 810 5th Street, NW (202) 842–1731 www.grm.org John Young Center (Women) 117 D Street, NW (202) 639–8469 www,catholiccharitiesdc.org My Sister’s Place PO Box 29596 Washington, DC 20017 office (202) 529-5261 24-hour hotline (202)-529-5991 shelter and other services for domestic violence victims N Street Village (Women) 1333 N Street, NW (202) 939–2060 www.nstreetvillage.org 801 East, St. Elizabeths Hospital (Men) 2700 MLK Avenue, SE (202) 561–4014 New York Ave Shelter (Men) 1355–57 New York Avenue, NE (202) 832–2359 Open Door Shelter (Women) 425 Mitch Snyder Place, NW (202) 639–8093

FOOD Charlie’s Place 1830 Connecticut Avenue, NW (202) 232–3066 www.stmargaretsdc.org/charliesplace Church of the Pilgrims 2201 P Street, NW (202) 387–6612

April 1 - April 14, 2009 www.churchofthepilgrims.org

mental health services

Dinner Program for Homeless Women AND the “9:30 Club” Breakfast 309 E Street, NW (202) 737–9311 www.dphw.org

Friendship House 619 D Street, SE (202) 675–9050 www.friendshiphouse.net counseling, mentoring, education, youth services, clothing

Father McKenna Center 19 Eye Street, NW (202) 842–1112

Georgetown Ministry Center 1041 Wisconsin Avenue, NW (202) 338–8301 www.georgetownministrycenter. org laundry, counseling, psych care

Food and Friends 219 Riggs Road, NE (202) 269–2277 www.foodandfriends.org Miriam’s Kitchen 2401 Virginia Avenue, NW (202) 452–8089 www.miriamskitchen.org The Welcome Table Church of the Epiphany 1317 G Street, NW (202) 347–2635 http://www.epiphanydc.org/ ministry/welcometbl.htm

MEDICAL RESOURCES Christ House 1717 Columbia Road, NW (202) 328–1100 www.christhouse.org Unity Health Care, Inc. 3020 14th Street, NW (202) 745–4300 www.unityhealthcare.org Whitman–Walker Clinic 1407 S Street, NW (202) 797–3500; www.wwc.org

OUTREACH CENTERS Bread for the City 1525 Seventh Street, NW (202) 265–2400 AND 1640 Good Hope Road, SE (202) 561–8587 www.breadforthecity.org food pantry, clothing, legal and social services, medical clinic Community Council for the Homeless at Friendship Place 4713 Wisconsin Avenue NW (202) 364–1419; www.cchfp.org housing, medical and psych care, substance abuse and job counseling Bethany Women’s Center 1333 N Street, NW (202) 939–2060 http://www.nstreetvillage.org meals, hygiene, laundry, social activities, substance abuse treatment Green Door (202) 464–9200 1221 Taylor Street NW www.greendoor.org housing, job training, supportive

Martha’s Table 2114 14th Street, NW (202) 328–6608 www.marthastable.org dinner, education, recreation, clothing, child and family services Rachel’s Women’s Center 1222 11th Street, NW (202) 682–1005 http://www.ccdsd.org/howorwc. php hygiene, laundry, lunch, phone and mail, clothing, social events Sasha Bruce Youthwork 741 8th Street, SE (202) 675–9340 www.sashabruce.org counseling, housing, family services So Others Might Eat (SOME) 71 “O” Street, NW (202) 797–8806; www.some.org lunch, medical and dental, job and housing counseling

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Academy of Hope GED Center 601 Edgewood St NE 202-269-6623 www.aohdc.org Bright Beginnings Inc. 128 M Street NW, Suite 150 Washington DC 20001 (202) 842–9090 www.brightbeginningsinc.org Child care, family services Catholic Community Services 924 G Street, NW (202) 772–4300 www.ccs–dc.org umbrella for a variety of services D.C. Coalition for the Homeless 1234 Massachusetts Avenue, NW (202) 347–8870; www.dccfh.org housing, substance abuse treatment, employment assistance DC Food Finder Interactive online map of free and low cost resources. www.dcfoodfinder.org Community Family Life Services 305 E Street, NW (202) 347–0511

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www.cflsdc.org housing, job and substance abuse counseling, clothes closet

MARYLAND

VIRGINIA

SHELTER

SHELTER

Foundry Methodist Church 1500 16th Street, NW (202) 332–4010 www.foundryumc.org ESL, lunch, clothing, IDs

Comm. Ministry of Montgomery Co. 114 W. Montgomery Avenue, Rockville (301) 762–8682 www.communityministrymc. org

Alexandria Community Shelter 2355 B Mill Road, Alexandria (703) 838–4239

Hermano Pedro Day Center 3211 Sacred Heart Way, NW (202) 332–2874 http://www.ccs–dc.org/find/ services/ meals, hygiene, laundry, clothing JHP, Inc. 1526 Pennsylvania Avenue, SE (202) 544–9126 www.jobshavepriority.org training and employment Jubilee Jobs 1640 Columbia Road, NW (202) 667–8970 www.jubileejobs.org job preparation and placement National Coalition for the Homeless 2201 P Street, NW (202) 462–4822 www.nationalhomeless.org activists, speakers bureau National Student Partnerships (NSP) 128 M Street NW, Suite 320 (202) 289–2525 washingtondc@nspnet.org Job resource and referral agency Samaritan Ministry 1345 U Street, SE , AND 1516 Hamilton Street, NW (202)889–7702 www.samaritanministry.org HIV support, employment, drug/ alcohol addiction, healthcare St. Luke’s Episcopal Church 1514 15th Street, NW (202) 667–4394 http://stlukesdc.edow.org food, counseling St. Matthew’s Cathedral 1725 Rhode Island Avenue, NW (202) 347–3215 ext. 552 breakfast, clothing, hygiene Travelers Aid, Union Station 50 Mass. Avenue, NE (202) 371–1937 www.travelersaid.org/ta/ dc.html emergency travel assistance Wash. Legal Clinic for the Homeless 1200 U Street, NW (202) 328–5500 www.legalclinic.org

The Samaritan Group P.O. Box 934, Chestertown (443) 480–3564 Warm Night Shelter 311 68th Place, Seat Pleasant (301) 499–2319 www.cmpgc.org

FOOD Bethesda Cares 7728 Woodmont Church, Bethesda (301) 907–9244 www.bethesdacares.com Community Place Café 311 68th Place, Seat Pleasant (301) 499–2319 www.cmpgc.org Manna Food Center 614–618 Lofstrand Lane, Rockville (301) 424–1130 www.mannafood.org

MEDICAL RESOURCES Community Clinic, Inc. 8210 Colonial Lane, ilver Spring (301) 585–1250 www.cciweb.org Mobile Medical Care, Inc. 9309 Old Georgetown Road, Bethesda (301) 493–8553 www.mobilemedicalcare.org

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Catholic Charities, Maryland 12247 Georgia Avenue, Silver Spring (301) 942–1790 www.catholiccharitiesdc.org shelter, substance abuse treatment, variety of other services Mission of Love 6180 Old Central Avenue Capitol Heights (301)333–4440 www.molinc.org life skills classes, clothing, housewares Montgomery County Coalition for the Homeless 600–B East Gude Dri Rockville (301) 217–0314; www.mcch.net emergency shelter, transitional housing, and supportiveservices

Carpenter’s Shelter 930 N. Henry Street, Alexandria (703) 548–7500 www.carpentersshelter.org Arlington–Alexandria Coalition for the Homeless 3103 Ninth Road North, Arlington (703) 525–7177 www.aachhomeless.org

FOOD Alive, Inc. 2723 King Street, Alexandria (703) 836–2723; www.alive–inc. org Our Daily Bread 10777 Main Street, Ste. 320, Fairfax (703) 273–8829 www.our–daily–bread.org

MEDICAL RESOURCES Arlington Free Clinic 3833 N Fairfax Drive, #400, Arlington (703) 979–1400 www.arlingtonfreeclinic.org

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES Abundant Life Christian Outreach, 5154 Eisenhower Avenue, Alexandria (703) 823–4100 www.anchor–of–hope.net food, clothing, youth development, and medicines David’s Place Day Shelter 930 North Henry Street, Alexandria (703) 548–7500 www.carpentersshelter.org laundry, shower, workshops, hypothermia shelter Legal Services of Northern Virginia 6066 Leesburg Pike, Ste. 500 (703) 778–6800; www.lsnv.org civil legal services

Shelter Hotline: 1–800– 535–7252

S treetS ense.org

April 1 - April 14, 2009

Vendor Profile

Dr. Demise

By Gina Barker Dr. Demise, once hailed as “the greatest mind in the entire length of human history” (by those who locked him up) turned 59 last week. The mad scientist hails from Slovazikhazicstan where those who knew him as a youth said he enjoyed grave digging and experimenting with lightning and reanimating dead flesh. But after the Cold War ended, Demise moved to America to spread doom and destruction. After several failed experiments and massive accumulated debt from plutonium purchases, he found himself out of a job and out of his seaside laboratory. Demise has sold papers for Street Sense for seven years and has only tried to take over the newspaper twice in that time, a fact he says shows great restraint.

What is your favorite kind of music?

“Probably reggae…but it seems to bother my half-bat half-squirrel species I created. Fledermaus infinitely prefers the Backstreet Boys. Oh…I should explain. I dabble in gene mutation, a hobby I’ve had for about thirty years now, just ask my goat-fish, Ms. Fluffy.

What is your favorite food?

“A hearty serving of dumplings and sauerkraut if I’m feeling indulgent, but food is really just sustenance to keep the mind sharp. After all, what is a mad scientist without his mind?”

What is your favorite movie?

“I could watch Frankenstein every day…there is something so nice about a good how-to show. You learn so much.”

How did you become homeless?

“My particular skill set and work experience made finding universities willing to hire me somewhat difficult. One tiny attempt to freeze the world’s oil supplies, holding them ransom for the world’s diamond supply and suddenly you are no longer ‘tenure track worthy.’ I’ll show them…”

Where do you see yourself in five years?

“Ruler of the WORLD!!! Or maybe opening a small café with a business loan. I do really enjoy baking croissants and I think I have enough collateral on the missile launch site I contracted up on Mars a few years ago.”

April 1– April 14, 2009 • Volume 6 • Issue 11

Street Sense 1317 G Street, NW Washington, DC 20005

Nonprofit Org US Postage Paid Washington, DC Permit #568

Dr. Demise reminds customers to only buy from badged vendors and not to give to those panhandling with one paper.

Interested in a subscription? Go to page 2 for more information.

Last Word

Paper No More

By Laura Thompson Osuri Due to the economic crisis hitting home here at Street Sense, we have decided to stop printing a newspaper and instead have our vendors recite the news. As many traditional newspapers reduce production and cut staff to make ends meet, we feel that this move is more in line with the street-feel of Street Sense. It harkens back to the days of town criers, giving our vendors that much more importance in society.

After much research the board has determined that this will save Street Sense about $20,000 a year and more than 10-fold return in investment for our vendors.

Currently vendors pay 25 cents for each copy of Street Sense that they sell for $1. Come April 14, vendors will pay $1 for a copy of a news article, editorial or poem, and “sell” a recitation of the story to passersby for 50 cents. While the cost upfront is more than one sale, unlike the paper, the story can be recycled dozens of times over. Consequently, we anticipate vendors making at least $20 on the $1 investment of one story.

To help vendors with this new kind of news distribution, Street Sense will hold a series of trainings on how to read the news from CNN’s anchors Nancy Grace and Glen Beck.

However, to prevent vendors from “selling” the same story for weeks on end, each story will be printed in disappearing ink, so that the writing will only last for one day. This way, vendors will have to buy a new story each day. While the use of invisible ink will cost a little extra, the board agreed that it was well worth it to increase the organization’s sales income. Also Street Sense got quite a deal on several cases of invisible ink from recently laid off contractors that used to work with the FBI. This new type of distribution will also help Street Sense release timelier information. Instead of gathering stories and wasting time laying them out into a pretty format, our editor and volunteers can turn around short news bites in 24 hours on the latest shelter closing, health center crisis or employment scams.

So from now on when you see a vendor in a yellow vest, ask them what the latest news is and give them 50 cents or more for a colorful reading of the latest news on homelessness and poverty.