Issuu

SLOTH 10th anniversary!

oh yeah

WORDLE WISDOM

22 Falsified Worthle 5 Driving Up Requirements

12 If Youre Reading This Its Too Late Solve the 7

on page 15 Volume 10 April 2022

Adlai E. Stevenson High School 1 Stevenson Drive, Lincolnshire, IL 60069

SLOTH Volume 10 April 2022

To our dearest readers. Or not readers: This has gone on far too long. Every month, walking through the hallways, all we see are Sloth copies thrown about. You would think there’s a competition for the weirdest Sloth copy location: in the microwave, under Mr. Gobble’s car, on top of the point; heck, someone even cut out circular holes and covered the recycling bin opening to only let soda cans through. In light of these, err… difficulties in disseminating our delightful work, we have started to feel unwelcomed by our school community. So we have a new strategy to connect. Our detachment is only our own inability for attachment. That’s a quote Willhelm Shank-pier said once. Anyways, we have an exciting announcement to announce! Get excited! Starting Apr. 1, Sloth will begin to turn a leaf on this page of enmity. From now on, we will begin sending out a daily newsletter to check in on our wonderful school community! And don’t you fret, all y’all who are graduating this year, or next year, or the year after that, or the year after that or the year—yeah, you get the point. Don’t fret, for your daily newsletters won’t stop after high school. We have assigned our technology experts to track you down and find your email even after you graduate. Your subscription to the yearly Sloth newsletter is a privilege for life, assumed upon your enrollment at Adlai E. Stevenson High School. Copying from the tech department might be our greatest steal yet! Don’t you love the constant emails you get about your low iPad storage space? Well we’ve just one-upped them! While they are much too inconsistent with their outreach program, Sloth will be daily, maybe even twice a day. The best part: there isn’t even an unsubscribe option! We will finally be the best (and only) news source once again! So farewell—if you are actually reading this—and get ready! You’ll hear from us again soon. Thank you, our dearest readers. Without you, we would never have adapted to the new world of digitalization. Welcome to the new era of Sloth! Sincerely, The Sloth

Policy The Sloth is a student-run satire publication published yearly to the chagrin of the Adlai E. Stevenson High School community. With a print run of Vaasudeva, the Sloth provides low-quality barbs meant to elicit pity laughs. The opinions expressed in the Sloth definitely do not represent the opinions of the administration, school board, faculty, student body or any sane person. The Sloth is a special issue of the Statesman, a largely ignored news publication. If you are still reading this, you just might be the first person in the history of the world to do so. Come to room 2514 for a prize for being our first policy reader (offer available until 1987). Advertising inquiries should be submitted to shsstatesman.business@gmail.com. All advertisements are subject to the discretion of the editorial board and will contain information and imagery appropriate for the Stevenson community. Sloth belongs to the Northern Illinois Scholastic Press Association, the Kettle Moraine Press Association, the Columbia Scholastic Press Association and the National Scholastic Press Association.

Contact

1 Stevenson Drive, Lincolnshire, IL 60069 www.statesmanshs.org shsstatesman.business@gmail.com

CONTENTS lohSt

04 05

Driving Up Requirements

06 Code Blue Sthol 09 10 11 12

Walking the (Hall)Ways

Caught In 4K The Art of War Bathroom Bracket If Youre Reading This Its Too Late

tSlho Over 14 Quality Quantity 16 Decoding IRC 17 Just Keep Swimming olSth

18 21 22 23

Rallying For Remote Wads of Corruption Falsified Worthle ILCraziness

Administration adds new mandatory Walker’s Education course; hands out Loss of Privileges for poor walking By Hallway Menaces

or the 2022-23 school year, the Stevenson administration will require every student to take Walker’s Education as part of the graduation requirements. The new class will teach students the basics of walking in the hallways to encourage orderly and safe travel during passing periods. The curriculum of the one-semester course consists of walking in a line on the right side of the hallway, abiding by the newly-established minimum walking speed of three miles per hour and following the right of way at hallway intersections. Students will be expected to follow the rules of the hallways or face a Loss of Privilege (LOP). Dean Cathryn Wescott helped formulate the curriculum and class to address poor walking habits after witnessing numerous students break their bones from walking into others. Outside the classroom, Wescott has worked to combat irresponsible walking by issuing LOPs.

MINIMUM SPEED

“Students will learn proper walking behavior or face LOP, like 30-minute study halls, revoked parking passes and the requirement to retake Walker’s Ed,” Wescott said. Wescott has encouraged security guards and teachers to report students who break the laws of the hallways to their deans. However, Hugo Samuel ’24, who participated in this semester’s pilot program of Walker’s Education, said he felt that the punishment for incorrect walking is excessive. “In one of our lessons, we learned that walking on the left side of the hallway results in a LOP,” Samuel said. “Everyone accidentally walks on the left side of the hallway at some point, so it’s really dumb that we’d receive an LOP for it.” Despite these punishments, Samuel predicts an improvement in the hallways. Statistics gathered from the pilot program revealed an improvement in students’ timely arrival to class.

STOP ALL WAY

SLOW

STAIRS AHEAD CAUTION

!"#$%&'(()&*#+,,, '(%!"#$%&'

“We noticed that students would get to class an average of 36 seconds earlier after completing Walker’s Education,” Wescott said. “It truly is a miracle.” As a result of the reduced travel time, the administration will shorten passing periods by 15 seconds to allow for more instruction time. Shawna Wilt, the teacher of the new program, will prepare students for the changes in the hallway by teaching speed, direction and manners. After the pilot program, she says she looks forward to educating all students and believes that this class will help in an irreversible way. “Looking around the hallways, it’s clear that students are in desperate need of a class teaching them the basic etiquette of walking,” Wilt said. “For example, when anyone walks through the Link, it is extremely congested and difficult to walk through, especially if someone’s distracted while walking because they’re texting.” Wilt highlights the poor traffic in certain spaces of the school and works closely with the administration to create rules that are appropriate for the spaces that they cover. Samuel said he feels confident that more students will walk in the hallways respectfully and responsibly as a result of the new policies. “I expect to see more order in the hallways, and I know that my stress will decrease when I don’t have to fight through clusters of slow walkers and be late to class,” Samuel said. “I’m excited to have more time to send GamePigeon games to my friends.”

SLOTH

APRIL 2022

DRIVING UP REQUIREMENTS Administration announces new eligibility requirement for parking, students express frustration By Pi Guy and Ryan Gao’s Sister

growth, some students disagree. Many are infuriated with what they describe as an administrative infringement to their access to on-campus parking. “I can’t believe this is actually happening—this is a clear and unfair overstep of the administration,” Clara Wu ’23 said. “Now I have to pay for parking and achieve a good SAT score. Why are colleges going test-optional but the parking lot isn’t?” Nevertheless, such dissent has not prevented administrators from resolutely planning to enforce the new minimum SAT score condition in their ongoing meetings and consultations with the Student Services department. Some students have even conceded and acknowledged the potential merits of the new T2P system. “When I first heard of T2P, I was outraged because I thought the school was perpetuating academic rivalry,” Manu-

el Cabrera ’24 said. “But my mind has changed since I realized that students are so desperate for parking that this would actually be effective. Personally, the rule has inspired me to buy workbooks and open a Khan Academy account for SAT preparation.” While the consensus of the student body remains inconclusive, Cabrera is one of many students who have begun studying to meet the new 1360 minimum for the upcoming school year. There have also been reports of a recent rise in these overall preparation efforts. “We have received emails and phone calls from various local tutoring businesses inquiring about the sudden influx of students,” Gallagher said. “Everywhere I look around Stevenson, I see students with their new SAT prep books. All I can say is that T2P will be a success thanks to the determination of our students.”

T TES

ARK 1

T TO P

36 0 S A

n Mar. 3, the Stevenson administration announced that students must now achieve a minimum SAT score of 1360 in order to be eligible for on-campus parking. The new policy, named Test-2-Park (T2P), goes into effect at the beginning of the 2022-23 school year and will require students to perform at the 95th percentile of SAT-testers nationwide to park at Stevenson. Parking spaces that are closer to Stevenson will be awarded to students who score into higher percentiles. Once results are released, juniors will be encouraged to submit their score reports from the schoolwide April 2022 SAT. T2P aims to resolve parking issues that the administration has been facing in recent years, such as overcrowding in lots D and E, while also promoting standardized testing. “We were concerned about the uncontrollable parking situation, a worry that has been compounded by the rise of the @stevensonbadparking Instagram account from a few months ago,” Roy Gallagher, the new Director of Parking, said. “So we asked ourselves how we could resolve the issue most efficiently and realized that students could benefit from parking spaces being an academic reward.” Although the administration views the policy as an opportunity for student

Student Activities representatives present to a classroom on how to increase attendance at clubs. Unfortunately, nobody showed up.

Club attendance flatlines after 5-Star, Google Forms removed for incoming system By “Paige” Enthusiasts

ince the start of second semester, student attendance at many clubs has dwindled, rivaling the low numbers during remote learning last school year. This change follows the decision of Student Activities to remove the use of 5-Star and Google Forms in clubs while administrators work on creating what they believe will be an improved attendance system. 6

The new attendance system will allow clubs to ensure only people who participate in and attend full meetings will be marked present. The new system is expected to be developed by the end of 2022 and deployed by the start of the 2023-24 school year, with promises by the administration of it being revolutionary for extracurricular life at Stevenson.

“We’re currently working on a stateof-the-art attendance program that we’re confident will promote maximum participation at clubs,” Entim Edating, Director of Student Activities, said in an official statement. “After all, attendance is the most important part.” Without the ability to have their attendance taken, many students have found little reason to come to meetings. SLOTH

APRIL 2022

5-Star

3m ago

“Now that attendance isn’t being taken, there’s no reason to come to meetings. I mean, did they really expect me to do community service for fun?” - Ein Nervu ’23 Attendance drops have affected Stevenson’s larger clubs the most, including Debate, Model United Nations (MUN), Kiva and Key Club, all of which boasted 100 or more members prior to the new regulations. “Now that attendance isn’t being taken, there’s no reason to come to meetings,” Ein Nervu ’23 said. “I mean, did they really expect me to do community service for fun?” Tyrone Williams ’24, an award-winning Debate Club member, has also started to notice changes with the number of students attending recent meetings. While there are typically no fewer than seven rooms dedicated to Debate, the crowded and boisterous 7100s hallway of the club is now almost entirely deserted. “At first, I thought I was just imagining things,” Williams said. “But then, I looked around one day and realized that I was the only sophomore at the meeting—there was no one to debate!” MUN Captain Dez Parrot ’22 added that she too has seen a significant decrease in attendance among all grades, and she was disappointed to find that members who joined after Winter Break didn’t tend to stick around. In response to the low participation, club leaders have sent out numerous emails, reminders and social media posts to convince members to rejoin. Despite averaging 15 messages per hour in her prime, Parrot’s efforts have remained fruitless. “I must have sent out at least ten emails and a dozen Remind messages this period, posted flyers on Instagram and Facebook and texted all my friends, but not even the Executive Board members showed up to our last meeting,” Parrot said. “I don’t know what else to do.” As a last ditch effort, the remaining MUN members have announced that any student who can bring in ten or more attendees to a meeting is guaranteed a spot on the Executive Board. This new policy has led to a handful of

students returning, though numbers are still not matching attendance prior to Student Activities’ new regulations. To try to assist MUN and other clubs with decreasing attendance, Student Activities has created a new club with the purpose of teaching the Executive Boards of large clubs how to boost attendance. Student Activities hosted the first meeting on March 15 in room 2600. While larger clubs have seen their attendance drop, some smaller clubs have had their attendance almost double. Kylie Jennings ’24, Chief Yarn Officer of Stevenson’s knitting club, In the Loop, saw record-breaking turnout after the change. “I’ve never seen so many people at our knitting club before,” Jennings said. “This was the first time we needed more than one room.” S t u dents who switched to different extracurricular activities in recent weeks have mentioned that the removal of strict attendance tracking encouraged them to pursue activities that reflected their true passions. As a result, In the Loop and other small hobby clubs have observed revitalized excitement among their members. “Now that I don’t have to worry about attendance at Debate Club, I can finally explore my interest in knitting,” Miz DaPoint ’23 said. “I really appreciate the enthusiastic

community at the club and how everyone loves working together. I’ve been missing so much these last two years.” Along with creating her own scarves, DaPoint has now also found that she enjoys giving back to the knitting community. She recently hosted a workshop at Vernon Area Library where she taught children ages nine to 13 the basics of the knitting process. Other former Debate members who have joined In the Loop plan on joining DaPoint at her next workshop. Though DaPoint and others appeared to have enjoyed their new experiences in smaller clubs, the decision to change extracurriculars seems to be temporary. Once attendance tracking is reinstated by Student Activities, the students plan on returning to their original large clubs, including Debate. “At the end of the day, it comes down to college applications,” DaPoint said. “Would a school really care about me exploring my interests?”

lub C g n asi Incre ance d Atten uts n o d g ours h n i r g ns -B in o i r t e i e s t n po -Volu E-Board r -Offe GPAs e -Rais ecks ch -Pay mail :) k -Blac

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APRIL 2022

Caught In 4K

Staff uses social media photos to justify punishments; students, parents react By Djb21642 and Gryphon171

Other students getting punished note that they aren’t ver the last too sad as a couple detenfew weeks, Stetions are worth the internet venson deans have sent fame they’re receiving. Students feaout a wave of passes, punishing students tured on the accounts claim that they’ve for sleeping in class and parking poorly. “gained clout.” In order to support such consequences, The picture used as evidence in Tollthey have been using evidence from stuman’s case was posted on @stevensondent-run Instagram accounts. badparking describing it as a “predicaStevenson-specific student-run acment.” In the picture, Tollman’s car was counts have grown rapidly in recent seemingly horizontally parked between months, amassing hundreds of followadjacent spots. ers and receiving praise from much of In their public statement, Tollman’s the student body. However, the adminisparents declared that they are against tration has recently decided any form of punishment and to use the accounts as proof The post used as appalled that their BMW had for punishment, citing rules evidence in the been pictured without conagainst the behavior disTollman case: sent. The family stressed that played on them. no one has the right to violate In a higher profile case, their privacy. Todd Tollman ’22, who Despite the public backparked poorly near Door 18, lash, the school has stood by had his parking privileges retheir decision to roll out punvoked. After a statement was ishments. Dean Anthony Holl issued from his parents, Stenoted an increase in student venson’s practices have been accountability. met with community backlash. “It’s been really slow “I was in a rush to get to school redown at the station, what cently, which caused me to park poorly,” I like to call the Dean’s ofTollman said. “I usually park fine but it fice,” Holl said. “This influx was just not my day. And now my dean of evidence of wrongdoing is tracking me!” is making it easier for stuThe manner in which deans use social dents to be held accountable. media posts as evidence has sparked deLess violations have occurred bates over the invasion of privacy. Some since.” wonder if deans actually have the right Holl noted that as the school to use Instagram as evidence for punishhas begun to scower social mement.

dia looking for these violations, faculty have come accross internet trends they do not understand, prompting the administration to create a webinar to help. Another student, Sammy Somnoliento ’24, was sent to the dean after being pictured asleep in the back of class using his backpack as a pillow and a white board as a blanket. His dean had to send multiple passes as he missed the first few calls to the office, assumingly due to sleeping. “I had a very big test the period after so I had to catch some quick ZZZs to get a three,” Somnoliento said. He said that the white board was used because he could not find any other ways to get warm and desperately needed comfort. Along with detentions, students sleeping in class are now encouraged to purchase caffeinated goods from Jazman’s or the newly added energy drinks from the vending machines. For students being punished for poor parking, parking privileges are being downgraded to train station parking. “Before students make the poor decision of sleeping in class or parking badly, they need to think: do I want the internet or deans to see a picture of this?” Holl said. “I don’t think so, buddy. If they make the decision anyway, someone will snap a pic, and the students will be meeting with yours truly.”

The Art Of War The best column about the best methods of competition at Stevenson achille’s Heel and shin splints

Questionable Life Choices

The best preparation starts in Stevenson’s acclaimed QLC. I feel naked without my 2021 Macbook Pro with my Notion page pulled up and my AirPods playing “LoFi Beats.” Everyone wants to be king of the jungle. The only way to achieve this role is to assert absolute dominance over the high table. You know, the one in front of the computers on the right side of the QLC. The last Stevenson student to get into Harvard, Yale and Princeton carved their initials and GPA into that legendary table. Even if the security guard on duty is sitting there, sometimes you need to shove them off in order to get that A.

E-Board Positions

First place in Kahoot

One Thousand and One Sleepless Nights

As Sun Tzu once said, “all warfare is based on deception.” Before each game of Kahoot, I strategically spread misinformation among my enemies (sorry, “peers”) to throw them off. I don’t remember anything we learned. This is my worst class. I completely forgot to study. Little do they know, I’ve already meticulously analyzed this set of flashcards 20 times last night. At this point, I can sing the entire Kahoot song by heart. Just you wait, “MyGPAIsHigherThanYours” is going to be at the top of the podium.

2 3

If you’re not the president of at least three clubs, Harvard won’t as much contaminate their prestigious fingers by touching your application. But fortunately, not everyone knows the secret to success. Just tastefully compliment the current e-board members and put in some amount (around 40 percent) of effort during meetings and before you know it, you’re a sophomore on the e-board of seven clubs. Once you’re on, you’re on. No need to do much past this point. Send a couple emails, smile at a few faces, make a Google Slides presentation or two. Easy peasy.

If a genie offered to grant me three wishes, I know exactly what to wish for. One: a likely letter from every Ivy League university. Two: a cup of Starbucks every morning, delivered directly into my hands. Three: the sheer willpower to never sleep again. You see, sleep is truly for the weak—the lazy sluggards who sleep will end up nowhere in life. In order to truly stand out from the rest of my classmates and cement my genuine devotion to learning, I sleep less than four hours each night and hate every second of it. The next morning, I wear my dark circles like battle scars and make sure everyone acknowledges my hard work. As Dwayne Johnson once said to me before he became The Rock, “it’s about drive, it’s about power.”

Lowest College Acceptance Rate

People may say that high school is about making memories and forming connections with others. Well, they’re wrong. Who cares about friendship? Morals? The transition from adolescence to young adulthood? Ultimately, everything you do boils down to the college you attend for four years of your life, and high school is simply a means to get there. Actually, I retract one of my former statements. You should be worried about making friends; otherwise, who will you flex on when you get into the college with the lowest acceptance rate?

SLOTH

APRIL 2022

Sloth’s annual rankings of students’ places of refuge By Bogger and Brasco

Bathroom of the Year Location: Next to the cardio room This bathroom is arguably the antithesis to the real estate phrase “location, location, location.” Nooked next to the cardio room and pool, this hidden gem of a restroom may as well be a palatial estate, complete with dividing walls for urinals and stalls the size of cubicles. Just be sure to stamp the floor every few minutes to keep the lights shining upon this oasis.

Most Improved

Most Vile Potty

Location: Sports Center boys’ locker room Even though Stevenson claims to be oh-so environmentally friendly with their greenhouse, solar panels and plant wall, the Environmental Protection Agency would be on DEFCON 1 at first whiff of the boys’ locker room bathroom by the Sports Center. With the bathroom's air classified as a radioactive carcinogen, we warn that visiting unprepared can prove fatal. In fact, the bathroom has caused dozens of native species in the Stevenson building to go extinct during first semester alone. The only bright side, however, is that the lockers serve as perfect storage units for the necessary gas masks and hazmat suits.

cou

Forget the plant wall, forget the fieldhouse; this is Stevenson's prime renovation in recent years. Pre-pandemic, the bathroom next to the ILC featured a shallow "pool" in one corner and an array of modern art—most notably the wrangled stall door that became prey to a wayward student’s head. While we appreciated the artistic decor, we can't pass up on the luxuries of the flushable toilets and working hand dryers featured in the bathroom's upgraded form. Ah, the marvels of modern engineering.

Location: Next to the ILC

if youre reading Statesman editorial on consequences of not

Veterans Vaasu Kakuturu “Totally Democratic”

Greycen Ren & Jasmine Sun Memes

Bayarmaa Bat-erdene & Humza Qazi Layout Knights

Griffin Brown & Victoria Feng statesmanshs.org

Collin Fan & Sophia Ismail Getting Sued

Alison Wade & Aayushi Wadhawan “AW” Root Beer

Kelly Liu & Lance Locker Flannel Fans

Ally Flynn & Malini Pillai Unsolicited Advisors

Dylan Barbee & Matt McGowan GOATs

Anika Krishnaswamy, Helen OriattiBruns, Surya Sethi & Sabrina Xue Illitarates

Dwija Ramesh The Therapist

Gaurish Lakhanpal & Natalie King The Unclickable Pop-Up People

Raghav Khosla The Quiet Coyote

Shannon Moser & Thea Surya

https://fonts.google.com/specimen/Chewy

Dean Bradshaw Father Figure

Rookies Nick Corso Kyla Smith Angela Guo Ava Winber Jennifer Huang Nicole Yao Sriya Mamidanna Elizabeth Yuan Dayna Roberts Sarah Zhang Vivian Zhu

ook, you ingrates. This is getting out of hand. Between the Snapchats and the random Stevenson-affiliated Instagram accounts (“SHS Bathroom Feet”, really?) and whatever goes on with TikTok, nobody is taking time for what really matters: Statesman. Perhaps the Daily Digest is more digestible, the announcements more edified (Eddy-fied?). Sure, we might not have corny jokes and cute clip art like the Tinkle Times, but we’re also not called the Tinkle Times. The word “tinkle” appears in zero issues of Statesman. That has got to count for something. Statesman believes that you should read the Statesman, mostly because we work hard on it, and let’s be honest, you have nothing better to do. Since none of you read Statesman anyway, we’re a hair away from throwing stuff in just to see what flies. Profile: The only crossing guard that everyone waves to (the hot one). Column: How to play GamePigeon in class and still go to Harvard (hint: may have something to do with academic ***honesty). Editorial: Desperate Statesman staffers beg for readers. Oh, wait. Actually, that’s exactly what we’ve done. So far, none of you have realized that this is the exact same editorial that we’ve published for the past several years. To be honest, last year we gave up and didn’t even publish it, and no one noticed. So now we’re back; and we’ll do this every single year until people start reading our paper. What you wish you could do for your English essays, we just did. But unlike us, at least someone reads your writing. We wish this was satire… In fact, we’re so confident that no one is going to read this, we’ll throw in an incentive. The first three people to turn in a thoroughly annotated copy (the margins better be filled with ink) of this editorial to

2514 will receive no grand Statesman prize. Despite 38 Statesman staffers bombarding you at the entrances, you somehow still find a way to ignore us. If it didn’t hurt, it would almost be impressive. So please, the next time you’re bored in class or in detention for ditching class because you were bored, type in statesmanshs.org and skim through one of our latest articles. Better yet, go find the millions of abandoned physical copies, and don’t use one just to whack your friends. Outside of class, we spend hours interviewing, writing, revising and designing. The problem clearly isn’t us. It’s you. SparkNotes isn’t going to cut it this time. We’ve tried everything: a website, a podcast, Instagram graphics, Twitter; none of it is working. So now, we resort to the only strategy we have left: a thinly veiled cry for help nestled in the middle of our satirical issue, in a far down paragraph no one will get to anyway. Read Statesman, please. We’re begging you.

SLOTH

APRIL 2022

this its too late reading sufficient Statesman editorials I bet you wonʼt notice that this is the same editorial cartoon as last year! Exactly, because I didnʼt read it and Iʼm not going to read this one either.

Letters to the Editor According to five minutes of incredibly thorough Internet research, every fact ever published in this paper is demonstrably fake. Have you ever read [INSERT far left/right media outlet]? Why can’t you be more like them? I hope you die in the hellfire you deserve, rotten [CHOOSE ONE: conservatives, liberals]. - Shirley U. Care ’22 As a middle-aged man working security at a high school, looking down at hard work done by student journalists is my favorite pastime. You guys really

do need to stop wasting all this paper and everyone’s time. Have you thought about making a website? - Tom, Security Guard who didn’t provide his last name If you let me list “Editor-in-Chief of school paper” on my college app, I’ll pay all my friends to read your dumb paper. Let me know ASAP because otherwise I will need to start planning for a nonprofit to create over the summer. Trust me, we all know you’re desperate for readers anyway. - Theodore “Ted” Lasso ’24

In an effort to consolidate clubs with lower interest levels, Statesman will become the official news bulletin of the Harvard Fan Club (HFC) effective immediately. Please contact the HFC’s Assistant to the Assistant of the Communications Director. Thank you for your understanding, and go Crimson! - Student Activities

Scan here to read more letters to our editors!

OVE R QUALITY QUANTITY Students miss college application deadlines blaming no EBR late penalties By Vehement Vegetarian and DashTheDog

hee Jekshon ’22 fixes the last edit on her essay to her Brown University, her dream school, with a satisfying click on her keyboard. Ready to submit, Jekshon clicks the green button at the bottom of the page. Her stomach drops when an alarming message highlighted in red pops up on the screen: ERROR: CANNOT SUBMIT. Frantically clicking the button over and over again, panicked thoughts race through Jekshon’s mind. Sure, it was late, but why should it matter if she was valedictorian and president of the Total Borons—the most respected chemistry organization in the nation? “I just don’t understand,” Jekshon said. “All throughout high school I was able to turn in my work months later and obtain a great grade, so why should lateness matter now for college applications?” Due to the current lack of consequences, Jekshon and her fellow classmates have adapted to submitting their assignments months after the assigned deadline. However, this does not cause bad grades; rather, teachers have seen an increase in the quality of their students’ work. As more students learned that there are no penalties to late work, students have begun to turn in work on individual schedules. Miss Ingwork ’22 places emphasis on her

love for no deadlines, crediting the flexibility in due dates for higher quality assignments. “I’ve been receiving more threes and fours from teachers by turning in assignments late because I think my work is simply better,” Ingwork said. “The extra three or four months after the due date really gave me insight on my own abilites to complete homework. While many students and teachers at Stevenson are avid supporters of EBR, this type of grading is frowned upon by many colleges, including

Brown, who has strict protocols regarding deadlines, timeliness and work ethics. Brown College Administrator Preiss Teajus believes that if students submitted applications late, students should also expect late decision letters as well. Usually, Brown takes about a month to release results. “I think no deadlines is one of the most foolish things I have ever heard of,” Teajus said. “In the real world, you can’t get away with late submissions and expect to get a time-appropriate decision”. Jekshon isn’t the only student who ran into this issue; countless students from Stevenson have also submitted their applications late. Over the past two months, Brown has received at least 400 complaints from students urging that they should get accepted, with the widespread justification that “late work doesn’t imply bad work.” “I believe that EBR allows students to show their best work, even if it’s submitted over the summer,” Jekshon said. “Teachers and administrators should recognize our hard work instead of abiding by numbers and dates.”

EBR

SLOTH

APRIL 2022

15 9

10 7

By The Statesman Water Bottles 1 2 3 4 5

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10 11

17 18 19 20

Across:

2. The best animal 4. Reptile that shoots blood out of its eyes 8. The youngest planet 9. Unicorn animal 11. Children’s medicine used to contain this drug 14. Last time I cried 17. Sharks can live for ___ centuries 18. Number of skeletons in Benjamin Franklin’s basement 19. The consequence of cracking your knuckles 20. _____ kill more Americans a year than sharks

Down:

1. Drink that should be at Jazzman’s 3. How old is the ILC 5. Earthquakes on Earth are ___ on the moon 6. Number of folds in a toque 7. It is illegal to sell ___ pickles in Connecticut 10. Number of years in a decade 13. National animal of Scotland 15. Stop signs used to be this color 16. Roses are red, violets are ___

STUDENT HACKER ACCESSES IRC, CHANGES GRADES By Double V’s

Eurgraid’s hacking skills

Grade change turnaround

aid’s prices

sk of exposure

Teacher

effectiveness

Security team’s features

D/C F D/C

IRC’s accuracy

Excitement for new project

*data from survey of 100 students 16

idden among dozens of students in the QLC, Peep Eurgraid ’22 types furiously on his laptop. At first glance, it looks like Eurgraid is working on his AP Statistics homework. Upon a closer look, it becomes evident that he is on Interactive Report Card (IRC), his screen flooded with more controls and manuals than what is given to a student or teacher. “Usually, I start my day by entering the server,” Eugraid said. “I thought by now I’d be the one running the show, but the algorithm is ridiculously complicated.” So complicated, in fact, that it might be broken. After successfully breaking into IRC, Eurgraid was surprised to find the server to be too complex for even a professional hacker to understand. “I changed a bunch of my approachings to meets, but IRC is still projecting an overall C,” Eurgraid said. “Maybe this is an additional level of security, but I think it’s more likely that the algorithm is malfunctioning.” Since then, Eurgraid has tried to address IRC’s flaws with no success. After months of trying, he reached out to DeskSMART manager Hancy Nudson for help, inadvertently exposing his identity in the process. “We can’t have a student controlling IRC better than us,” Nudson said. “Our security team is currently adding new features to prevent future hacking.” In spite of Nudson’s promise for stronger security, many report that IRC continues to crash, leading Eurgraid to believe that the grading system’s algorithm needs to be rewritten entirely. However, without administrative support, teachers are continuing to use IRC to display inaccurate information. “I didn’t know how many of my peers were just as confused as me,” Eurgraid said. “Just yesterday, someone paid me five bucks to explain why his APUSH grade wasn’t going up.” In response to the student body’s growing concerns, teachers have grown disappointed. Some, including AP Computer Science teacher Pie Thawn, discourage their students from focusing on grades over learning and retaining class material. “Students have been brainwashed by IRC,” Thawn said. “It’s like they think a virtual report card is the one controlling their final grade.” In hopes of fixing IRC’s flaws, Eurgraid is currently collaborating with fellow hackers on GitHub. Since his efforts have not seen any success, Eurgraid is doubtful that students’ grades will ever become more accurate. “This issue is beyond me,” Eugraid said. “Even professional hackers are saying it’s hopeless. I’ve tried everything, but I still don’t know how to get IRC to project the correct grade.”

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APRIL 2022

Just Keep Swimming

Stevenson plans to revert QLC to a swimming pool to promote student mental health By Professsional Napper and Kelly’s Uber Driver

n Mar. 7, Stevenson High School formally announced the decision to revert the QLC back into a swimming pool in light of mental health concerns. The administration believes the change to be the only solution to solving what they perceive to be a never-ending studying crisis. During the 2001-2002 school year, in response to students’ complaints of the ILC being too loud, Stevenson transformed the former swimming pool into the QLC. However, with the current influx of students spending unhealthy amounts of time at the QLC, the administration has decided to turn back the clock and revert the space to its previous identity. As a result of this planned transition, many surveyed students who frequent the QLC claim that they will simply migrate to studying in the ILC. Others are concerned that this transition will ultimately end in mimicking the crisis of 2001. “The thought of having to return to that place [ILC] again is absolutely revolting,” Tim Wilson ’23 said. “I can’t even hear myself think with everyone talking whenever I am in there.” To accommodate these complaints, the administration has implemented 30-minute ILC Calendly appointments as a failsafe for the projected increase in the ILC

population. Assistant Director of Business Affairs Joyce Wang expects the appointments to help minimize the excessive studying and noise. “We hope that by requiring students to make appointments to study, we will be able to control the studying crisis,” Wang said. “The administration believes that this is the only course of action that will keep Stevenson students at the top of the rankings where we should be.” Another accommodation the administration will provide is waterproof iPads and free lamination services for notecards to allow students to study in the water. Despite these changes, many students have expressed significant discontent with the plan. Some of the surveyed students question the lack of a quiet learning environment and validity of a second swimming pool. “Who would even use another new swimming pool?” Wilson said. “It’s not like we can swim to a 36 ACT and high AP scores.” Along with the reversion, the administration has hired trained aquatic yoga instructors to help students unwind and destress. However, these instructors are only available during early bird periods and require students to bring their own equipment. “Once again, we have provided more mental health resources for students

to access if they need,” Principal Groy Tobble said. “At this point, it’s up to the students whether or not they want to do the downward dog in our new pool and use the services we provide them to their full potential.” Knowing that students still want to use the space for academic purposes, the administration has decided to refer to the location as the Quiet Swimming Pool. They say that implementing a strict no splashing rule will allow students to productively swim and study. “Obviously, it’s going to be a big change, so we expect some pushback,” Tobble said. “But, I feel like in the long run, the students are going to look back and thank us for giving them this unique opportunity.” The administration asserts the new swimming pool will both reassure parents of Stevenson’s dedication to student mental health and set an example for other schools. However, as a result of this ambition, tensions between the community and the school run high. “Sometimes I feel like the school has selective hearing,” Wilson said. “Are we just numbers to them?”

Rallying For Remote Stevenson students, parents and teachers protest to return to remote learning By Kanye the First, Skeete and Kim

liff Spark ’23 refreshes his IRC portal 57 times, like any other Tuesday, expecting to see an increase in his grades. Despite making an appearance on Gold Honor Roll his virtual sophomore year, Spark now looks

at a majority of C’s, D’s and F’s. This downward trend in grades from online to in person learning is widespread across Stevenson’s student body as many students are struggling with the transition back to school after cheat-

I love Zoom!

ing and sleeping through class for over a year. In light of these concerns, a new group of protestors, calling their project Shutdown Stevenson, has formed. This group is composed of both staff and students who are urging the school’s administration for a return to the e-learning system in order to make slacking off during school an easier task. “I think it’s important to speak up about our concerns of having school in-person, especially when a majority of people support maintaining an in-person environment,” Spark said. “If we don’t speak up, I’m afraid I won’t be able to graduate.” The protestors are taking a variety of actions to stand against in person learning. Students and teachers alike have been sleeping in class, going on their phones and blatantly cheating on tests to prove their point that a return to e-learning is necessary. Some participants taking more extreme End Meeting measures have been purposefully not

Lorem E-learning ipsum rules!

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APRIL 2022 speaking, or taping blank construction paper to their faces in order to represent the profile pictures and muted microphones that are reminiscent of Zoom. All of these acts against in-person school will culminate with Shutdown Stevenson’s largest event: a protest right outside of principal Groy Tobble’s office. The group members hope that this protest will send their message directly to the administration so that they can get rid of in-person learning forever, as they believe that the many cons of being in the building outweigh the pros. “Ever since we came back into the building I haven’t been able to use apps like Mathway and websites like Sparknotes or Cliff Notes,” Spark said. “I’m failing my classes right now because I can’t plagiarize my English essays or look up the answers to my math tests.” Spark is one of many students who are struggling academically after a year of online learning. In addition to not being able to take advantage of non-teacher assistance anymore, students are also struggling with not falling asleep in class like they could on Zoom, which is demonstrated on the Instagram account @shs.slumpers. Nate Quill ’22 has already been featured on this account 11 times. “My classrooms are the equivalent of my bedroom now that I can’t attend

classes from my bed,” Quill said. “I honestly can’t spend one period without feeling like my eyes are closing as soon as I sit down.” Along with students, some teachers are also struggling with the adjustment to in-person learning. Last year, many teachers would assign activities such as Kahoot, Gimkit, or Pear Deck that involved minimal instruction. Being in the building means that staff cannot disengage from teaching like they once could online. “When I was online, all I had to do was set up a Pear Deck and let my students go to town,” Spanish teacher Brady Brooks said. “Now I can’t even go on my phone anymore because it’s blatantly obvious and would encourage students to go on their phones as well.” Regardless of teacher influence, students are still struggling to resist the urge of going on their phones during in person classes. On the rare occasion that Quill is not sleeping through class, he watches TikTok instead and thinks it is unfair for his teachers to be angry at him for this. “How can my teachers expect me to just pay attention to their lessons?” Quill said. “When given the choice between doing a math problem or going on their phone, of course any student would choose the phone. Teachers need

to respect this decision.” While many students are urging the administration to resume classes on Zoom so their F’s can turn into A’s, others want to stay in person so they can benefit from the many valuable experiences Stevenson has to offer. Dennis Demenis ’24 believes that going back on Zoom would rob many students of the most important parts of being a Patriot. “If we go back online, we wouldn’t be able to go to Jazzman’s or eat Mexican rice bowls,” Demenis said. “I think that would be so tragic; I honestly can’t believe that any student here would want to do virtual school again.” Students like Spark who are part of Shutdown Stevenson want more students to realize that going back on Zoom is what’s best for all students. They hope that they can get more students to join their cause so that their message can have a larger impact and create change. “I am calling upon all of my peers to join me in what is possibly the most important movement that has ever happened at this school,” Spark said. “We deserve to once again sleep, go on our phones and not pay attention to anything our teachers are saying in class!”

“My classrooms are the equivalent of my bedroom now that I can’t attend classes from my bed.” - Nate Quill ’22

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APRIL 2022

Wads of Corruption Leaked report presents evidence Stevenson administration tampered with student schedules for cash; students react with anger, shock By Garden Gnome, Polar Ice and Mr. McGregor

n Mar. 30 anonymous hacker @AnonymousPatriot leaked a secret about the Stevenson administration after hacking into hundreds of staff emails. Over the past ten years, various administrators have manipulated students’ schedules in order to run a betting ring. By purposely manipulating student schedules to maximize the frequency of traveling and shortening passing periods, administration bet on which students would walk the most steps daily. Tracking devices were installed in student iPads in order to keep score. In particular, the administration targeted junior students with many reporting blisters on their feet and crushed hopes in their souls. The administration was able to hide their actions in part due to counselors like Edgar Clancy. Because counselors are allowed to change students’ schedules, the manipulation initially went unnoticed. “My favorite part is watching students’ motivation cripple under the pressure of reaching their classes on time,” Clancy allegedly said on a Zoom call with other administrators. “When I make schedules, I can’t help but make bets in my head about which students will come crawling toward me, begging for a schedule change, so it’s great we have this group. Wait, are you recording this?”

Clancy, who reportedly lost $78,000 to the betting ring, is currently in litigation with superintendent Erin Waddle, claiming that Waddle stole the money one night. However, anonymous sources from Clancy’s inner circle suggest that the litigation is an elaborate ploy to be cleared of the accusations in the report. Waddle herself, mentioned 12 times in the hacker’s report, vehemently denied Clancy’s claims and those featured in the report. “I mean, hypothetically, if someone were to participate in a betting ring, it wouldn’t be illegal,” Waddle said. “I mean, I didn’t, but hypothetically if I did, I wouldn’t get fired, right? Wait, really?”

Waddle was most recently spotted leaving a Statesman press conference in great haste. Clancy and Waddle are two of 18 members in the administration facing accusations of participation in the ring, with Principal Zac Elbbog alleged to be the ringleader. It was last reported that an investigative committee has been established by the Board of Education, and if found guilty, staff could face reduced lunches and potential study hall duty. Counselors, including Clancy, could face mandatory walking marathons for their high level of involvement in the ring. Despite backlash against the betting ring on moral grounds, for many students, the most shocking part of the ring was its effect on traveling rates. According to surveys five years ago, the daily average of steps walked per student was only about 5,000; now, the average is 17,000 steps, leading P.E. skill test scores to skyrocket. Lucretia Jostens ’24 reportedly caused Elbbog to win $10,000 by tracking a daily average of 18,900 steps. “I spend a lot of time and energy navigating campus to be on time,” Jostens said. “While I’m quite upset that all my struggles have been due to the administration, I’ve never been in such good shape.”

Falsified

Amid heightened pressures to perform well on daily Wordle, cheating scandal at Stevenson is uncovered By jazzyfifi & Sophiuhhhh?

t’s the test of her life, but as she cowers over her iPad, Lisa Dearbon ’22 starts to doubt herself. All she can see is blank squares, and Dearborn frantically racks her brain for some bit of knowledge that could help her on the exam. Nearby, the presence of her friends adds to the growing pressure; Dearborn is desperately trying not to score lower than them and bear the brunt of their gloating. With her mind empty and down to her last guess, Dearborn turns to her failsafe: cheating. She pulls out her phone and looks up the answer to her daily tribunal: the Wordle. Dearborn’s actions make up just one part of Stevenson’s massive Wordle cheating scandal. The new word game has taken the school by storm, but like any activity that becomes popular at Stevenson, the student body has quickly labeled it as an unofficial mark of one’s talent and intelligence. With all that pressure, it’s only natural that students turn to cheating as a

means to succeed on the Wordle. “I try to be an honest Wordle player, but my friends and I share our scores every day,” Dearborn said. “It’s totally embarrassing if I don’t get the word in four tries or less, so it’s just easier for me to cheat.” From searching up the answer on the internet to doing the Wordle on two devices, there are many different methods students can use to cheat. While the tactics vary, the act of cheating has become almost universal due to the game’s increasing popularity. According to a study of 500 Americans aged 14 to 18 conducted by the National Association of Puzzles and Word Games, 52 percent of Wordle players have cheated on at least one Wordle in the last month, a 300 percent increase from previous numbers. That proportion increases as the stakes of the game are raised; the study found that 95 percent of Wordle players who share their scores with friends or family have admitted to cheating. In response to the recent spike in cheating occurrences, a new club dedicated to inspiring youth to take a stand against Wordle dishonesty of any form has been created. The Honesty Club’s founder True Stellar ‘25 encourages students to not only pledge against cheating, but also to speak up when they notice their peers engaging in such behavior as well. “As a student, I completely understand the temptations to cheat on the Wordle,” Stellar said. “However, giving in to those temptations is simply unacceptable. If it were up to me, the daily Wordle would be conducted like standardized tests—everyone in a room

with a proctor, locked-down devices, and only one snack break.” Wordle cheaters have also been frowned upon by members of the community who believe looking up answers ruins the Wordle learning experience. Similar to cheating on a test, English teacher Lin Gwistick says that cheating on the Wordle deprives students of the opportunity to expand their knowledge by increasing their vocabulary; he believes that cheating on the Wordle is even more deplorable than cheating on a test. “Cheating on the Wordle is completely unjustifiable—I don’t understand why anyone would cheat on a silly little game,” Gwistick said. “Sure, I can’t stop my students from using Sparknotes on my reading quizzes, but I will undoubtedly step in if I see any Wordle related dishonesty. The future of this generation’s vocabulary is on the line.” Unlike Gwistick and Stellar, Dearborn maintains that her Wordle tactics are a victimless crime despite recognizing how her own actions could contribute to her peers’ insecurities that eventually lead to cheating for both parties. “There’s this whole culture where I cheat to exaggerate how good I am at Wordle, and then my friends feel like they have to cheat to compare with how well I did, so in the end none of us really have an accurate view of reasonable Wordle scores,” Dearborn said. “Still, it’s all worth it if I can avoid disappointing my friends and my family. The only person I’m disappointing is myself, but what does that matter?”

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APRIL 2022

Previously, 98 percent of students got kicked out of the ILC for standing. The newly implemented “No Standing” rule requires students to crawl while in the ILC.

Five students have passed out in the last week as a result of the new “No Eating and Drinking” ILC rule.

On Mar. 17, students used master locks and barricaded bookshelves to reserve group study rooms. On average, 45 pounds of barricading material were used.

Peer tutors now get designated napping periods during their shift.

Due to the ILC’s “No Standing” rule and lack of seating space, the top of bookshelves has opened up for additional seating. Plus, studying at higher elevations has proven to improve productivity.

New ILC rules have harrowing consequences By: Kanye West and Chewbacca

95%

of Wordle players who share their scores with friends or family have admitted to cheating

”

There’s this whole culture where I cheat to exaggerate how good I am at Wordle, and then my friends feel like they have to cheat to compare with how well I did. - Lisa Dearbon ’22