Medal Mania, Volume 53- Sloth, April 2020

Volume 53 - Issue 00 January, 2020

Adlai E. Stevenson High School 1 Stevenson Drive Lincolnshire, IL 60069

Method

1 Stare at Your Phone

This move is simply a classic. You already do this on a daily basis: to that cute guy you like and the teacher who gave you an F. To perfect this, focus all your energy towards your phone — whatever you do, no eye contact.

Method

4

Pretend You Can’t Speak English

Despite your A+ in AP Themes, shrug and repeat, “I don’t speak English.”

For your information, Statesman staff is quite multilingual. We have staffers fluent in descriptive, expository, narrative and persuasive languages.

4

January 2020 - Sloth

Method

2 Wear Earbuds and Prete

When we smile and call out “good mornin words. Keep jamming to Billie Eyelash’s B us your Airpods Pro as you blatantly avoid Method

5 Camp Outside Until Stat

Here’s a fact — Statesman can’t give you through the doors. Consider camping out u finally leaves. A few minutes tardy to your avoiding Statesman!

d Pretend You Can’t Hear

d morning,” pretend you’re deaf to our elash’s Bad Guy, and don’t forget to flash tly avoid us.

il Statesman Leaves

ive you the paper if you don’t walk ing out until 8:30 am when Statesman to your first period class is totally worth

Method

3 Pretend You Can’t Read

When all else fails recite this highly valid excuse: “Sorry, I can’t read.” We will gladly respond back: “It’s never too late to learn.”

20

January 2020 - Sloth

Click a star to add your vote

Pat Riot March 15, 2050 “Thanks for all these tips and tricks! It is such a relief that I will never have to touch another issue of Statesman again.

Phew!”

WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: ALVIN, SIMON & THEODORE

January 2020 - Sloth

21

ipad to eyepad Stevenson launches a new system to surveil students through their iPad cameras

S

tevenson administration recently announced that students will be surveilled through their iPad cameras in order to build a more orderly community at school. In response to the constant stream of complaints from the Stevenson security team about students not following safety policies, the administration has decided to introduce the new system, hoping to enhance their control on the student body.

“Surveillance will mark a great milestone in the safety level of the Stevenson community,” Dean Dino Dheen said. “If students are aware that they are being watched, they would be inclined to more responsible behaviors.”

In fact, the administration has modified the Stevenson guidebook so that students caught violating school’s safety policies on iPad surveillance will have to face consequences. Depending on the severity of their misbehavior, Dheen decides the appropriate discipline for each student.

“Detention, loss of privileges or targeted tutoring on Stevenson’s policies are all possible outcomes of misbehavior,” Dheen said.

“Actions like being outside of designated areas after school or covering the camera with a sticky note all qualify as punishable behaviors.”

Some students like Ria Liamson ’21, however, have voiced their opinion against the idea of iPad cameras actively watching their every move both inside and outside of school grounds. Liamson feels that her right to privacy as a student is being infringed upon by the administration.

“If the school keeps an eye on me, I can’t do

6

January 2020 - Sloth

my everyday activities like sleeping in class or copying off of my friend’s homework,” Liamson said. “I would rather have my entrusted FBI agent surveil me through my iPad camera rather than some random person in the Stevenson administration because they’ll now have a physical proof of me being a bad student.”

Others are not so sure as to why the surveillance is deemed necessary. Tom Thomas ’22 doubts that the new surveillance system will be useful for the administration.

“I’m not sure what they would get out of observing me trying to find my next date on Tinder or connecting with my friends on Call of Duty,” Thomas said. “I guess they really need to see if anything I do in my life is against their rules.”

Nonetheless, the administration does not consider surveillance to be an unwarranted tool to supervise students. In fact, they are already making a lot of progress to successfully adopt the new system at Stevenson.

“Currently, we are building monitor rooms and installing the system on students’ iPads,” Dheen said. “We hope surveillance will guide students to following school policies for the sake of the larger community.”

WRITTEN & DESIGNED BY: oH?

ADVANCED PAYMENT

College Board changes AP exam registration date to student’s date of birth

C

ollege Board announced in a tweet that the registration date for AP exams has been changed to each student’s birth, after the date was shifted earlier during the 2019-20 school year.

Last year, students had to enroll for AP tests during the school year in which they took the exam, whereas all students born starting next year must enroll by their date of birth. This requires parents to choose which classes their students will take in high school before their children are born. Current AP students must provide an original copy of their birth certificate to the College Board for proof of their birthday.

Justin Thyme ’20 does not support this change, which resulted in him cancelling his registration in the AP African History and AP Linear Algebra exams.

“I am livid that the College Board ruled that I must show them my birth certificate,” Thyme ’20 said. “I don’t have the time to find my birth certificate on top of all my classes and activities.”

Teachers are now affected by this new procedure because a bonus will be given to one teacher at each school who has the most newborns enrolled in their class.

AP Hydro-Agriculture teacher, Bennie Factor, is in favor of this new

Four-year-old Earl E. Bird studies from an AP textbook, preparing himself for the test he wil take his junior year.

Due to a new rule from the College Board, Bird’s parents had to enroll him in this class before he was born.

incentive, and he will be competitive to get the extra money.

“I’m determined to win the bonus so I’m going to bribe expectant mothers to sign their babies up for my AP exam,” Factor said. “These students are going to end up taking all the exams anyway so why not let me have some extra cash to spend on researching additional AP classes, such as Sanskrit?”

Parents are encouraged to sign their children up immediately for the 2035 AP exams – the first year that their children would likely be of age to take an exam. Any registration done after birth will result in a $500 late fee. However, many parents are refusing to do so if their child will not be in high school for another 15 years.

Krystle Ball, the parent of a new-

born baby girl, says she will not sign her daughter up for AP exams until she is in first grade.

“By first grade, my little angel will be old enough to make her own decisions about which college-level courses she wants to take in high school so I will not enroll her in exams until then,” Ball said. “But as soon as she begins first grade, I am signing her up for all the AP tests because my little girl needs to go to Harvard.”

Any questions, but no concerns about these new rules, may be emailed to the College Board. Officials said not to expect a response for at least five years while they deal with the complications of this new registration date.

WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: STU THE COCKATOO

January 2020 - Sloth

7

NEW YEAR, NEW ACTIVISM Students find innovative ways to stay politically active, engage in social media platforms, rallies to spread campaign awareness

N

ate Bennett ’20 scrolls past inspirational quotes, cute koala photos and daily newsfeed before reaching a post

by Tentree, an eco-friendly apparel company. Scattered with a healthy dose of tree emojis, the post promises that for every ten likes it receives, Tentree will plant a tree in Indonesia. Bennett presses the like button.

“Hey, look at that,” Bennett said.

“I just planted a tree.”

Bennett is just one example of the many Stevenson students who brand themselves as zealous activists. While activism itself isn’t a new concept, in recent years, it has expanded into the worlds of technology, social media and finally, the growing power of youth activists.

“It’s becoming more important than ever for students to find a cause they’re passionate about and fight for it,” Bennett said. “One of the best first steps a rookie activist can take to support their campaign is to blast out a impulsive rant to anyone and everyone they know on their social media platforms. I personally recommend Facebook.”

In the era of Trump’s presidency and climate change, media activism-and the saturated photo ops that often accompany posts-have become more ingrained into American culture.

8

January 2020 - Sloth

Caitlin Liu ’21 shares similarly positive experiences with student activism. Liu’s interest in political activism began in the fall of the school year, as she became more burdened with her heavy course load. Although her schedule as a junior included many challenging classes, one stood out from the rest.

“My AP Physics C grade is going to ruin my life,” Liu said. “I had to at least find a way to ditch the quizzes.”

As a result, Liu has turned to out-of-school protests as a means to avoid class assessments, while simultaneously raising awareness on meaningful campaigns such as Politically Correct Lives Matter and Save the Ladybugs.

“Political unrest and mild weather,” Liu said. “What more could you ask for? That’s all you need to skip school.”

Liu recounts her most recent protest, walking the streets of downtown Chicago during the climate change strike. Holding up a well-weathered sign that read “I agree” among her fellow supporters, Liu followed the crowd through areas like Grant Park and Federal Plaza.

Unlike full-time activists, students wishing to be a part of political movements must also carry on the extra burden of extracurriculars and homework. But for Liu and Bennett, the question of whether or not to continue their activism efforts in their communities was an easy call.

“I’m not going to stop campaigning, not after all this time,” Liu said.

“At least, not until I find a way to drop physics.”

WRITTEN & DESIGNED BY CAITIE LEIGH

MEDIA FRENZY MediaCAST enters streaming marketplace with MediaCAST+, a competitor to Netflix and Disney+

A

fter recurring technical difficulties on the Stevenson morning announcements, MediaCAST is launching their own streaming service titled MediaCAST+. The service — a $7 per month subscription — gives access to all content available on MediaCAST digitally enhanced to 4K high-definition quality. Additionally, programs such as the morning announcements will stream only as exclusive content for students subscribed to the service.

MediaCAST CEO Ryan Van believes that this service allows customers to experience the MediaCAST content they love uninterrupted as well as help fund up-and-coming content creators.

“Due to MediaCAST’s frequent technical difficulties, we figured why not put a plus sign by our name, charge money and give the people what they want?” Van said.

MediaCAST+ is only the most recent addition into a competitive streaming marketplace, with competitors like Netflix, Hulu and Disney+ vying for customers’ time and money. According to Van, this makes it necessary for streaming services to cater to nostalgia in order to grab attention.

“We might not have Baby Yoda, but we still have that pledge of allegiance video you recorded in the 70’s,” Van said. “Also, you can watch that muppet-looking Eddie guy and probably some low-rate movie for your English class.”

Hannah Wola ’20 finds MediaCAST+ to be worth the monthly fee. She spends a total of $173 each month on her other streaming subscriptions but believes that the exclusive content on MediaCAST+ is its strongest selling point.

“I mean, it’s only seven dollars, right? This just gives me another catalogue of things I can put on as background noise while I mindlessly scroll through my phone and procrastinate on my homework,” Wola said. “I almost binge-watched the ‘random student’ videos as fast as I did the first season of ‘Stranger Things’.”

In addition to support from content-hungry students, many Stevenson facul-

Reasons Students Subscribe to MediaCAST+

ty members have said that they plan on subscribing to MediaCAST+.

One such person is geometry teacher Daniel Bole, who thinks that the service is a great way for students to connect to the school and show spirit.

“Our attendance to football games might be subpar, but having a couple hundred students watch MediaCAST+ creates a shared, positive environment that reduces stress,” Bole said. “Also, how many schools can say they have their own streaming service? Surely this would get us an award or something.”

WRITTEN & DESIGNED BY: DAVID FINCHER STAN

January 2020 - Sloth

9

Graduation Bucket List

ACTUALLY READ THE CHAPTER FOR YOUR READING QUIZ NEXT PERIOD TAKE A PARACHUTE TO FLY INTO THE FORBIDDEN COURTYARDS AROUND SCHOOL

STEP ON THE CURSED SIX-FINGERED PATRIOT WHO LIVES IN THE PATRIOT LOBBY

10

January 2020 - Sloth

FRIEND YOUR LEAST FAVORITE TEACHER ON FACEBOOK WRITTEN & DESIGNED BY: DA & BABY

To the left, to the left

S

A column on how Statesman’s liberal propaganda is corrupting minds of the youth

tatesman is widely known through the halls at Stevenson, with its articles including sources such as Lori Lightfoot and Joe Biden, and for the many awards outside in the trophy case outside the classroom. While this news outlet claims no political bias, it is sadly not the case.

In my investigation I found all of the funding of the Statesman coming from the Young Democrats of America. This leftist organization gives all the necessary funding for print and the conferences to be attended throughout the year. The organization also approves all of the articles that are going to be read by over 4,000 students.

Beyond just printing articles for the magazine, Statesman’s website constantly posts about how the Young Democrats of America should start a fundraiser at Stevenson. Furthermore, Democratic candidates such as Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders are also sponsoring these outlets to further their own presidential campaigns.

Patriot Pride, a newspaper that was beloved by most of the Stevenson population, should be reinstated in order to ensure that the wealthiest elites can finally have a voice in our community. Patriot Pride covered Stevenson’s most important conservative concerns, from converting Stevenson into a private

school to reducing our school’s budgetary deficit. The publication contained articles celebrating the Bush inauguration and commemorating the fall of the Berlin Wall with an interview on former President Ronald Reagan.

Now, in no way am I the next Shane Dawson with a 45-minute conspiracy video on why the Patriot Pride ended. However, the Patriot Pride rumors are true: the newspaper was censored and its staffers were mandated to take polygraph tests to verif y their

leftist beliefs, all to ensure that conservative voices were silenced.

Ever since, Stevenson has fallen under the sway of Al Gore and Marianne Williamson.

Instead, Statesman is getting funded to express how free speech is triggering to lots of students and recently dedicated an entire page for Michael Bloomberg’s campaign about how he would make a great president, even after he dropped out of the 2020 election.

Conservatives are constantly being expelled for sharing their viewpoints and forced to attend in-school sensitivity training. It is like a witch hunt to find every conservative out there and punish them for having different beliefs.

I am tired of conservatives being “triggering” to liberals who won’t see both points of view to have a civil conversation. Instead, they are put into a corner, left without a safe space to be themselves.

I am sorry to all of my loyal readers if this is the last you hear of my voice since I may not be a Stevenson Patriot any longer after this.

WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: BLACK RAVEN

January 2020 - Sloth

15

IF YOURE READING Statesman editorial on consequences of not

Staff

Dylan Hu

Subpar Academics

Anjini Grover & Ben Bowler Memes

Cheryl Chen

Part of That Other Publication

Christie Lee & Trisha Patel Amateur Instagrammers

Alexandra Gergova & Ayla Dursun Dumb & Dumber

Ojasvi Saxena Caimin Xi

Actually Reads Web Unmemeable

Janice Lee Bradley Locker

I Don’t Speak Broke Kafkaesque

Emily Lu & Katie Lee English Hard

Lily Jiang

Literal Angel

Nellie Maloney & Olivia Han Wait, We Have a Website?

Stephanie Levitt Melissa Liu

Too Responsible For Us Trendy

Dean Bradshaw Father Figure

Staff “Reporters”

Emily Kang Natalie King Bayarmaa Baterdene Paulina Ornatsky Elyssa Gavenda Pooja Jain Greycen Ren Sailaja Nallacheruvu Griffin Brown Serena Mehta Humza Qazi Sophia Ismail Jasmine Sun Vaasudeva Kakuturu Lila Maiolo Victoria Feng Myles Woodman

12

January 2020 - Sloth

L

ook, you ingrates. This is getting out of hand.

Between the Snapchats and the Finstas and whatever goes on with Tik Tok, nobody is taking time for what really matters: Statesman.

Perhaps the Daily Digest is more digestible, the announcements more edified (Eddy-fied?). Sure, we might not have corny jokes and cute clip art like the Tinkle Times. But we’re also not called the Tinkle Times. The word “tinkle” appears in zero issues of Statesman. That has got to count for something.

Statesman believes that you should read Statesman, mostly because we work hard on it and you have nothing better to do.

It certainly wouldn’t kill you to sneak a peek at the table of contents on your way to the recycling bin, or stop using stacks of Stevenson’s premier student publication as doorstops. It certainly kills us when you ask a question Statesman has answered multiple times.

Next time you’re wondering why our WiFi is subpar or why we don’t have enough parking, check out Statesman. We’ve done all the research; you just need to put those English class

reading skills to use. Shmoop isn’t going to cut it this time.

Since none of you read Statesman anyway, we’re a hair away from throwing stuff in to see what flies. Column: EBR. Profile: a student leader who helps those in need. Editorial: Desperate Statesman staffer begs for readers. Oh, wait.

In fact, that’s what we’ve done. None of you have realized yet that this is the exact same editorial as last year.

Purely copy-pasted, word-forword. And we’ll do this every year until people start reading our paper. What you wish you could do for your English essays, we just did. But unlike us, at least someone reads your writing. We wish this were satire…

We’ve tried everything: a website, making our issues all-color, glaring at you when you politely decline our 7:30 a.m. pleas for readers; none of it is working. So now we resort to the only strategy we have left: a thinly veiled cry for help nestled in the middle of our satirical issue, in a far down paragraph no one will get to, anyway.

Read Statesman, please.

We’re begging you.

THIS ITs too late reading sufficient Statesman editorials

Letters to the Editor

Y

our article about [controversial political issue X] was dumb and biased because it didn’t align with my own opinions about [X]. According to five minutes of Internet research, every fact ever published in this paper is demonstrably fake. I hope you die in the hellfire rotten [CHOOSE ONE: conservatives, liberals] like you deserve.

- Zach McGarvey ’22

app, I’ll pay all my friends to read your dumb paper. My last Regular Decision deadline is at the end of January, so let me know ASAP. Trust me, we all know you’re desperate for readers anyways.

- Maya Spieler ’20

values of black and white newspapers that America was founded on.

- Braxton Stuart III ’21

In an effort to consolidate clubs with lower interest levels, Statesman will become the official news bulletin of the Harvard Fan Club effective immediately.

I was incredibly disappointed (HFC), when I saw that the Statesman tran- Please contact the HFC's Assistant sitioned into an all-color publica- to the Assistant to the Communication. This is an act of blatant reverse tions Director. Thank you for your racism against white paper in its understanding, and go Crimson!

If you let me list “Editor-in-Chief support of “pages of color,” and I de- Student Activities of school paper” on my college mand you return to the traditional

January 2020 - Sloth

13

FOUND: ONE STATESMAN READER

Stevenson student picks up a copy of Statesman, surpised to discover there are actually articles inside.

A

s his classmates walked past, Frank Sears ’20 saw a lone copy of Statesman on the floor. Wanting to avoid littering at Stevenson, Sears picked up the issue and began reading.

After reading a few articles, Sears found that he actually enjoyed reading Statesman, particularly the news section. Though the move was accidental, it increased Statesman’s readership by 3%.

“Since I am an executive member for Green Team, I felt compelled to pick up a stack of paper I saw on the ground,” Sears said. “I had never seen inside an issue of Statesman before and was really surprised to find a bunch of articles inside. I thought that we were just supposed to look at the artwork on the covers.”

On the issue’s distribution day, Statesman Editor-in-Chief Dylan Hu stood near the door of the Point, hoping that one person would respond to his waves and morning greetings. When one girl finally took a copy from him, Hu noticed that she immediately cast it towards the ground and stomped on it.

“The girl told me that it was discriminatory to hand out issues to Statesman when there were people at our school who were allergic to paper or couldn’t read,” Hu said.

“I’ve accepted the fact that only our own staff reads Statesman. This be-

16

January 2020 - Sloth

Statesman staffer Katie Lee tries to hand out Statesman, only to be rejected. Later, Frank Sears found a copy from the same issue on the ground.

havior certainly is in line with what I have seen from the Stevenson community.”

To his surprise, the copy was later picked up by Sears. After Sears picked up the copy, he told his first period English teacher Dean Bradshaw that he was reading Statesman.

Bradshaw, who is also the advisor for Statesman, was shocked.

“It really is incredible that Statesman’s readership has increased to one student besides our staff,” Bradshaw said. “Never in my years of being a journalism advisor would I think that people would actually read our work. Although, I must say that it isn’t surprising that someone thinks Statesman is just cover art.”

Like Bradshaw, Hu was overjoyed that Sears read Statesman. Because at least one copy would be accepted,

Hu no longer needs to use all the copies of Statesman to line his cat’s litter box. He can just use all but one.

“Our team works very hard on each and every issue,” Hu said. “I hope that since Frank has become a Statesman reader, he will introduce it to his friends and more students will be able to discover Statesman.”

Sears has now read all the available Statesman copies left on the shelves. He is excited for what will come on the next distribution day.

“I would definitely love if Statesman did a satire-filled issue in the future,” Sears said. “I’m not really a big fan of newspapers, but I really enjoy comedy.”

WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: A NON-STATESMAN READER

Q&A WITH BOOMER

A conversation with Tom Smith ‘60, exclusive Baby Boomer’s perspective on curent issues including politics, climate change and societal norms Statesman: Well hello, and thank you for meeting with me for this conversation.

Tom: Thank you for accommodating my busy schedule, which includes drinking on my porch while I yell at my dog and spit chewing tobacco.

Statesman: No problem sir, I wanted to have a conversation with a baby boomer about the current unrest between generations.

Tom: Why yes, and I volunteered to have this conversation with you because the only thing I am more passionate about than my hatred towards my wife is this topic. Snowflakes have taken to the interweb and ruined the place where I used to post inappropriate memes from 2008 and rants about the term “happy holidays.”

Statesman: Well the younger generations also advocating for change when it comes to crippling issues they’re the first to have to endure.

Tom: Well, back in my day it was simple. People just allowed JFK to cheat on his wife, and now it’s a big deal. Quite honestly, it’s making me stressed for the future of this great nation.

Statesnan: How do you combat this feeling of uncertainty with the current state of the country, and how do you wish to see to change?

Tom: Well, when I’m feeling ex-

tra riled up about our country, I like to take a nice long trip in my trusty F150 down to the city and stare at people with dyed hair and nose piercings in a coffee shop. Then I find the closest grocery market and try to redeem expired coupons, yell at minimum wage workers and pretend as if I’m an expert when I am surely not.

Statesman: You mentioned your F150 and I waTom: Don’t even start with me, boy. I made sure to adjust my truck to fail emissions tests to worsen climate issues. I also had my speakers adjusted so my Fox News podcasts feed right into my hearing aid.

Statesman: You mentioned Fox News, what’s your opinion on the

Meme courtesy of Smith’s Facebook.

current state of American media?

Tom: I only trust my Facebook pop up ads and Fox so obviously I am only getting reliable information. I actually requested my cable provider to scrap every channel besides Fox and the ESPNs. Statesman: So after all this, what would you like to say to High Schoolers?

Tom: I would like all of you to put down your phones and learn how to change a tire. Grow thicker skin, not everything is about you. And finally, facts don’t care about your feelings, you little snowflakes.

Statesman: Ok Boomer.

WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: BRUH

January 2020 - Features

17

E-BOARD POSITIONS FOR SALE Don’t Wait, Invest In Your Future PREMIER - $399.99 ASSISTANT TO DIRECTOR OF LOGISTICS - $349.99

n catio i l p Ap ege l l o C

SECRETARY OF SNACKS - $299.99 TOKEN FACEBOOK GROUP ENTHUSIAST - $249.99 DOORMAN- $199.99 Brought To You By: Polita Co.

Is your Snapchat dry?

Do you never get invited to parties?

Do you not get any Instagram likes?

INTRODUCING: NO CAP! CLOUT OUR REVOLUTIONARY ONE YEAR CLOUT TRAINING PROGRAM!

Capture your clout for only $3,999!

99% EFFECTIVE Brought to You By: Cool Beta 123 LLC

FIRST OR NOTHING

WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: NOT TRASHA

January 2020 - Sloth

19

DAYS SINCE LAS

O

n December 1, principal Groy Tobble and key members of the Stevenson administration went to Washington, D.C. for the first annual Prestigious American Tournament to Reward Incredibly Ostentatious Teaching (PATRIOT) conference to accept 26 new awards that Stevenson had won for its innovative and futuristic teaching methods and campus.

Although Stevenson has been known as a small, modest school, their newest additions have catapulted them ahead in competitions such as the PATRIOT conference. Tobble has expressed his thanks for all the praise that Stevenson has received.

“It really is an honor to represent Stevenson at these conferences,” Tobble said. “These successes really come as a surprise to us, since we were the underdogs heading into the competition, but we accept these praises gratuitously.”

One such award that Stevenson won was the “prestigious” Clean Water School Award, which honored its efforts in reducing sewage production from the new building by eliminating bathrooms.

Stevenson beat out over 847 schools from all 50 states, the District of Columbia, and two independent territories.

“Honestly, not having any bathrooms anywhere even close to my classroom has really helped my students focus in class,” science teacher Lorenzo Lloyd said. “Now students know they miss half of class if they decide to go, so they just don’t.”

The absence of bathrooms in the new addition has saved Stevenson 100,000,000 gallons of water and $200,000. These resources have been allocated toward the two Jazzman’s coffee shops, a green-

20

January 2020 - Sloth

house rooftop, an Olympic-sized swimming pool and the living plant wall.

“Having all of these resources has really helped my academic performance,” Inez Cain ’21 said.

“Without my six cups of coffee or my plant wall salads, I’m not sure if I could have maintained my 5.1 weighted GPA.” Individual students often spend up to $260 on Jazzman’s product per month. The administration, after seeing the need for more caffeine, is in the process of opening another Jazzman’s in the new building. Additionally, plans are in place for a new Jazzman’s app to allow students to order food and drinks with increased speed and efficiency. According to an official mission statement, the administration hopes that these new developments will contribute towards their efforts in winning the Most Caffeinated Student Body Award.

Although Stevenson swept many award categories, the administration was reportedly upset that they didn’t advance to the PATRIOT Internationals. Stevenson maintains that there are more improvements to come.

Superinte nde nt Te r i c Wa d e l l recently announced a new plan to upgrade the

LAST AWARD: 5 technology used by Stevenson students.

According to Wadell’s Instagram account @superintendentd125, for the 2020 school year, each student is going to get their own 16-inch MacBook Pro and two pairs of the new AirPods Pro, in case students lose their first pair. If students don’t own an iPhone before September 14 of the school year, Tobble will be making calls home to assure parents that school-provided financial aid will help pay for the phone cost.

“As the best school in the country, we must provide our students with more of everything,” Wadell said. “We have been encouraging Apple to make more products like notebooks and erasers for our students. Apple devices are a necessity for learning.”

According to Stevenson’s website, the administration hopes that these new improvements will contribute to their goal to sweep the awards next year. However, Tobble realizes that it won’t be so easy to dominate the conference.

“Our laptops will only be a minor investment of $100,000,” Tobble said. “There is no cost too high to ensure the benefit of our students.”

This year, other award categories that Stevenson proudly won are: Best Placement of a Picture of Barack Obama in a Plant Wall; Best Couches that Students Aren’t Allowed to Sit On, Ever; Not the Best, but You’re Trying We Guess Diverse Student Population in the Lake County Suburbs; Best Way to Represent Student Body “Diversity” through Arbitrary 51% Book Rules; Longest Lunch Lines For Mexican Rice Bowls; Best Ramen With Pho Noodles Instead Of Ramen Noodles; Best Student Meme Facebook Group.

According to the conference’s website, it draws inspiration from the Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) and Health Occupations Students of America (HOSA) clubs by offering a myriad of oddly specific events so that everyone can win an award.

Stevenson administration believes that earning so many accolades will convince more people to move into District 125, increasing the school budget as a direct consequence of increased property tax revenue.

“We are honored to have received so many awards” Tobble tweeted from his LG Smart Microwave. “Next year we aim to sweep all of the categories!”

WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: ORANGE JUICE, IHEARTBEAU & TIBBY DIBBY

January 2020 - Sloth

21

STEVENSON GOES SKY HIGH A new floating building is going to be added above Stevenson’s campus

A

s the bell rings, signaling the start of passing period, more than 4,000 Stevenson students crowd into the hallways. Students get pushed and shoved as they try to fight through the crowd of people to get to their next class on time. As the student population expands every year, the problem of overcrowding at Stevenson persists.

Stevenson is constantly working to solve this problem by adding new campus extensions.

However, after constructing the new building this year, they administrators are running out of room to build more. To fix this, the administration has come up with a creative solution, adding a new addition in the sky.

The sky high addition will be built in a style similar to the new building.

It will have glass walls and couches throughout the hallways. Similar to the new building’s plant wall, the sky building will have a water wall, where water will constantly flow down like a waterfall.

Administrator Steven Harrison, who came up with the idea, took his inspiration from the Disney Channel movie, “Sky High”.

“One day when I came home from work, I saw my daughter watching the movie, ‘Sky High’,” Harrison said. ‘At

22

January 2020 - Sloth

first, it seemed like a silly kids movie, but as I continued watching it, it got so interesting that I couldn’t stop.”

“Sky High” is a Disney Channel movie that tells the story of teenagers who go to a high school that floats in the air. “When I was rewatching it for the 10th time, a brilliant idea struck me. What if Stevenson’s next addition is built in the sky?” Harrison said. He proposed this to the other administrators, and it was unanimously accepted.

This new building in the air is planned to be opened fall of 2021, with construction starting at the end of this school year.

Harrison says the $168 million price is a small amount to pay for the great learning experience that this building will bring. “Why would we spend all this money we have on unimportant things like updating the bathrooms, when we could use it all on a floating building!” Harrison said.

English teacher Samantha Collins thinks this idea will present great opportunities for the school. “Building in the sky is the most economically beneficial idea I’ve ever heard. Since space in the air doesn’t have to be purchased, the school can spend tons of money making the features of the building innovative

and luxurious,” Collins said.

The school is using the money that would usually be spent on purchasing more land on unique features like a mini golf course, a mall, and a zipline that will connect new and existing buildings. “The students at this school are so stressed with the amount of homework and studying they have to do, so adding fun features like these will offer students a great opportunity to relax,” Harrison said.

However, many of Stevenson students aren’t in favor of a sky building.

Martin Chen ‘20 has expressed anger over how the school is making a new addition when there are already complaints about the building t h a t w a s just built this year.

“It is clear that the school dooesn’t care about what the students want at all since they’re not putting a water fountain that dispenses coffee or video game room in the sky building.

But the majority of students and staff see the new building as another

example of Stevenson as a place of major innovation.

“Who knows what other cool ideas school will come up with?”

Harrison said, “Maybe after this they will build more sky buildings or expand underground. Maybe they’ll even build all the way up to space!”

WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: GOLDILOCKS

SICK DESIRE TO SERVE

Seniors experience resurgence of nonprofit-itis, volunteer work unsustained

W

for elite schools,” Clarin said. “But I eventually realized that genuine leadership and service were also common threads among accepted students. It was then that my raging insomnia and anxiety began.”

Following his revelation about the need for “genuine” extracurricular involvement, Clarin started his nonprofit “Reach Out, Speak Out” to better the standard of living for the homeless population––an actual issue within the Chicago community.

However, without actually addressing its central mission, the organization slowly faded out after a few organized trips to the local Bernie’s Book Bank center.

“Why would I continue when my crippling sense of inferiority has been addressed?” co-founder Tori Hands ’20 said. “Plus, the books we packed

Percent of seniors with symptoms

ith the laptop bathing his features in soft light, he anxiously checks the time. “2:51 a.m.,” the desktop clock displays; yet with his empty Common Application activity section glaring at him, Bob Clarin ’20 barely registers his exhaustion.

For other seniors like Clarin, nonprofit-itis is back on the rise. Common symptoms include insomnia, an obsession with the Common Application and, most importantly, unsustained nonprofit efforts.

Clarin caught nonprofit-itis two months before his Early Action deadline. Banding together with eight fellow symptom-carriers, he started a nonprofit as a result of his infectious status anxiety.

“I thought a 36 on the ACT would be enough to make me competitive

Data from harvard.org

May 1

November 1

at Bernie’s Book Bank have already helped the underprivileged!”

The trajectory of Hands’ dedication to her nonprofit is observed for nonprofit founders every year.

Starting from the summer leading into senior year, the number of active nonprofits reaches an all-time high as clinical rates of nonprofit-itis skyrockets. However, immediately after the January 1 deadline for most colleges, infection rate plateaus and commitment to those same organizations plummets.

“I am worried about the health repercussions of the disease, but the associated surge in seniors’ community service paints Stevenson in a good light,” college counselor Ed Mitted said. “Even if their efforts are unsustained, Stevenson could not be more proud of its seniors during the college application season.”

Clarin echoes Ed Mitted’s sentiments. For him, the actual impact of his nonprofit is secondary to the relief it brings, whether it be college acceptances or acknowledgment.

“We may not be helping the homeless population, but at least people think that I am,” Clarin said. “And at the end of the day, when I’m at Harvard and others are not, I think I’ll be thankful for my nonprofit-itis.”

WRITTEN & DESIGNED BY: JAPANESE LITERATURE FIEND

January 2020 - Sloth

23

HUNGER FOR HUMANITIES Stevenson rethinks funding, plans to add new courses due to massive rise of humanities majors peak college season

24

January 2020 - Sloth

and religion. As such, the Stevenson administration is reconsidering the way its funding is distributed for its departments.

“Because the interests of our students have vastly changed right before November 1, we now intend to add Linguistics and Gender Studies in place of AP Biology and Calculus III,” principal Guy Trobble said.

Data courtesy of the CCC

Y

asin Walsh ’20 enjoys spending his mornings briskly scrolling through LitCharts’ chapter summaries of Toni Morrison’s “Beloved” before each reading quiz. Although he spent his last three summers actively immersed in a program centered around nuclear chemistry and astrophysics, Walsh is one of many seniors who has expressed an ardent interest in pursuing a humanities degree at the Ivy League level due to its supposed ability to increase chances of acceptance.

“Even though I don’t always read the work my AP Literature class assigns, I’ve proudly submitted my application to Harvard as an English Literature major,” Walsh said. “I am now drawn to English in a way I wasn’t before.”

Walsh’s sentiments are echoed throughout the majority of the senior student body. According to a recent survey conducted by the College Career Center (CCC), 76 percent of seniors applying to selective universities who had shown an inclination towards STEM fields throughout high school indicated a desire to study various disciplines in the humanities––a branch of the liberal arts that includes languages, literature, art, music, philosophy

“Classes that are oriented around the sciences no longer satisfy the needs of our diverse senior population due to their newfound love for the humanities.”

According to the administration’s new plan entitled “Hail the Humanities,” the $12,000 annually designated toward maintaining the science classrooms will instead be used

to purchase various Kurt Vonnegut novels as well as books regarding essentialist gender identity theories.

These new changes will be implemented for the 2020-2021 school year.

“Although I have no idea who Kurt Vonnegut is, I’m very sad I won’t have the opportunity to take these new classes because I’ll be enrolled at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) as an Asian and Asian Diaspora Studies major at the time of implementation,” Science Bowl Captain Tamara Scott ’20 said. “However, I’m contemplating perhaps changing my major.”

Many other students have similarly expressed enthusiastic approval of the administration’s new proposal to increase courses in the humanities. According to Write Club member Rhonda Moore ’21, Linguistics and Gender Studies will open the doors for individuals to demonstrate a genuine interest in the humanities “I’m elated that Stevenson has finally realized that its student body is not simply interested in STEM,” Moore said. “However, I’m surprised it was only realized right around November 1.”

WRITTEN & DESIGNED BY: RILKE’S NUMBER ONE PUPIL

Copyrighted by the America for the Rich Foundation

Introducing...1600 & Me

We promise to find you the perfect doppelgänger to take every test for you!

“This program has helped us get some of our best atheletes! It’s a perfect plan for everyone who has a spare $100,000 just lying around!’”

- Random Stanford Rowing Coach

“I think it’s such an educational service because of how much I learned about test taking. You can expect me to sponsor it on all of my Youtube videos!”

-Jolivia Ojade

PORTAL TO HEAVEN

Wonders of IRC have exceeded students’ expectations; students share their opinions regarding merits of IRC

S

ince Stevenson High School’s recent transition to the Interactive Report Card (IRC), a soaring spike in student spirit has been seen throughout the school.

Once criticized for its high stress environment, Stevenson has now become acclaimed for its innovative approach to grading portals.

“We’re not like other schools,” Assistant Principal Irving R. Collins announced in a recent press conference. “Stevenson is superior in terms of ensuring progress and change in grades.”

Students seem to echo in support of this new change, reveling in the hype of becoming special little snowflakes of the Chicagoland area

once again. While many believe that IRC will push them in the right direction in innovation for grades, they’re even more excited about the press coverage.

“The confusing switch to EBR put us in the news spotlight a couple years ago, but then the other schools started copying us!” Julia Simpson ’20 said. “I’m glad we found another way to keep things spicy here.”

In terms of grade updates, many find the delays extremely useful for their mental health and sanity. The random nondescript timing of such updates has allowed for students to stress less and think less about their grades. Specifically, Jonathan Lu ’20 asserted that functions of IRC allows

“Students’ mental health and prosperous academic success has skyrocketed 153% since the implementation of IRC” Department of IRC funding

him to learn and adapt to crucial life lessons.

“Slow and steady really wins the race,” Lu said in between gulps of his sixth double shot white chocolate mocha of the day. “Not only do I get a great excuse to pull all-nighters throughout the week, but it’s also an incredible way to learn patience and how to cope with instability!”

Within the comforting seaweed green and mustard yellow hues of its portal walls, IRC truly has managed to captivate all, satiating the hunger of even the most rebellious thrill2019-2020 seeking students.

404 Error Infinite Campus Not Found Sem 1 Previously, Lu had been victim of a school-wide epidemic plaguing Student Name: IRC even the lower grades: senioritis.

He had become so bored with Grade Behavior Concerns Course Name Stevenson’s straightforward grading that he was considering flunking all Horrendously inconsistent, together simply to get a kick.”

Arbitrary Timing A improvement mandatory However, as Lu checked his IRC fumes at its peers by giving grades in IRC yet again, “now I have A+ Being Entirely Inaccurate them Fs instead of As all 3’s but my grade is still a C?” Lu Students stay up until 5 am waiting uttered, astounded. “That’s what I Refusing to Update until 1:30 am A++ for IRC to load call living on the edge.”

Lashes out at others due to A+++ Letting Students Down WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: stress

26

January 2020 -

CRUSTY LEE & SUNFLOWER

I

nfinite Campus was born in 1993 to Charlie Kratsch, and was assassinated on August 12, 2019 at 7:45 a.m. at Stevenson High School. Authorities pronounced the death a homicide and placed the Stevenson High School administration under questioning as the primary suspect.

Campus held a position as the Chief Grade Portal at Stevenson for over a decade, allowing teachers to enter grades and attendance updates immediately after review, notifying students and parents in real time.

“I took Infinite Campus for granted, but I now realize how valuable it was to be able to actually see what grade I had in my classes,” Daniel Holt ’21 said. “My friends and I will miss it every day.”

Campus devoted its life to provide hardworking students and their parents with prompt grade updates.

Campus recorded student’s grades, attendance, schedule, and transcripts.

“Although Campus will be missed, I am glad my parents will no longer know all of my grades and every time I skip class!” said Kelly Valdez ’20, a loyal supporter of Campus.

Students enjoyed spending time with Campus, often checking in with it up to 600 times daily. Teachers loved hearing its voice ring out among their students’ unsilenced iPads following grade updates.

“Infinite Campus was truly a conversation starter,” Sheila Tate, Geometry Honors teacher said. “I sorely miss the students’ whispered conversations comparing grades on tests as I am teaching.”

Campus is survived by its son, Attendance Section, who works tirelessly to carry on the family legacy by recording students attendance. In lieu of flowers, donations may be given to the College and Career Center (CCC) Destress Days’ funds to help students cope with the uncertainty of their academic standing, especially WRITTEN AND during finals season.

DESIGNED

BY: TRASHA

January 2020 - Sloth

27

CAFFEINE ON THE GO Sodexo releases new mobile app for Jazzman’s with rewards program, improve efficiency

W

hen the bell rings for fourth period, the Jazzman’s queue usually snakes through the common area with students eagerly waiting to get their coffee. Often times, lines are up to 10 minutes long as students anxiously wait for their drinks.

To combat the recent craze around Jazzman’s coffee, Sodexo will be introducing an app for Jazzman’s that will become available to students this January. The app will be available on iOS and Android to help students skip lines and earn points when purchasing Jazzman’s. Students and teachers will be able to use reward points to get free drinks.

Customers of Jazzman’s will be able to sign in using their student ID number, making the app accessible to all Stevenson students. Akiva Otto ’21, an avid customer of Jazzman’s, believes the app will make life for Stevenson students a lot easier.

“It’s very difficult to wait in a line with more than 10 people,” Otto said.

“Nobody has that kind of time, especially when I have to bulldoze my way through groups of slow people in the halls to get to each class afterwards.”

One feature of the app allows students to pre-order drinks, so patrons will simply have to pick up the drink during their designated time. If Jazzman’s isn’t able to make the drink on time, there is a full refund guaranteed to the customer.

28

January 2020 - Sloth

Enter ID Go!

Hot Drinks

Iced Drinks

Bakery

Sodexo worker Bernice Colbert predicts that the new app will create conflicts for the staff due to an excessive amount of orders.

“This new app will create so much more work for us, and we might be unable to keep up with the students’ demands,” Colbert said. “It will get hectic, even for students.”

Tijana McFee, a business and marketing professor at Whitewater University of Business, said that a rewards system is a typical strategy to get customers to spend more.

“A points system gives customers a spending incentive, motivating them to buy more from the company,” McFee said. “It’s sure to earn Jazzman’s more money.”

Students will earn one star for every dollar they spend at Jazzman’s with the app. When students have earned 50 stars, they will be able to redeem their stars to get a free drink or bakery item of their choosing under two dollars.

“Oh, of course I’m going to get the rewards app,” Otto said. “I need my caffeine to stay awake, how else am I supposed to stay awake on 4 hours of sleep?”

Fifty-seven percent of Stevenson students are recurring customers of the cafe. The app is predicted to raise that to seventy-four percent.

“I can’t wait to use the app when it comes out,” Otto said. “I’m very excited.”

WRITTEN & DESIGNED BY: HARRY POTTER

Getting distracted by glass walls

Getting work done Students

WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: BOOMER

January 2020 - Sloth

29

Evidently best rating

Stevenson switches to Evidence Based Reporting for ease and convenience during the grading process

S

tanley Thomas ’21 scrolls through his Interactive Report Card (IRC) account, checking his grades before finals season begins. As the yellow and green screen flashes across his eyes, he sees his Evidence Based Reporting (EBR) grades pass by, one class after another, as his projected grades begin to fill up the page.

“I absolutely love the EBR system here at Stevenson,” Thomas said. “And my favorite part is waiting until 2 a.m. to see my grades change and be updated. It’s not like I checked Infinite Campus before that anyways.”

As Stevenson is evolving its social and student aspects in school, it is also changing paths academically by converting all of its classes to an EBR standard next year.

Stevenson’s rationale for switching the grading system was due to its ease and accuracy, something that the traditional grading system simply could not provide. Many students recognized that the letter grading system was too heavily based on bias and it was never capable of projecting exact grades.

As the new school year began, parents voiced their frustrations with the traditional grading system, complaining about its

30

January 2020- - Sloth

vagueness and inconsistent assessment of their students’ performance, so the school listened.

“We vowed to find a grading system that both students and parents alike would enjoy, and to be honest I think we have done it,” Stevenson administrator Carl Treiger said. “Although I am constantly receiving feedback with new and improved ways of EBR, the emails just eventually find their way to the trash pile.”

One person those feedback emails has come from is Joe Smyth ‘20, who has been trying to fight the EBR system for almost two years now. Smyth is famous for his big

protest a couple weeks ago outside SHS. Dissatisfied with the protest, his teachers docked him down to a 2 in his Social and Emotional Learning (SEL) category.

“Am I the only one who isn’t crazy?” Smyth said, “How does EBR make sense to anyone? It’s stupid and has no general outline whatsoever, so I am encouraging as many people as possible to join my protest,” Smyth said.

English teacher Bela Mareen has been teaching at Stevenson for twelve years and said she has never found a program more rewarding than the EBR system.

“Although I’m not completely sure of how to grade with the new system, I am getting there,” Mareen said. “I admit, many times I give students 2's first then 3's so students can grow.”

Stevenson made its newest announcement last Tuesday. “We are proud to announce that we have worked with many companies and have convinced them to begin grading their employees on an EBR scale, and we can’t wait to see the outcome,” Treiger said. “It’s going to be great!”

WRITTEN & DESIGNED BY: JET P.

Reaching new highs

Stevenson plant wall found to contain marijuana, will be used for profit and medical purposes in 2020-2021 school year

T

his school year, Stevenson added an extension to the East Building, the home of the now famous plant wall. As of last week, the plant wall is now filled with a new inclusion: marijuana.

The school has decided to turn the wall into a supplier for an in-school dispensary, using its profit to pay off the debt that the school accumulated from the East Building Addition.

Catalyst Club quickly came to the frontlines. They maintain that despite the dispensary, students still cannot use marijuana recreationally.

“It doesn’t matter if the school is making the wall a source for a dispensary,” Catalyst spokesman Aldrich Wayne ’20 said. “Marijuana is still an illegal substance for students under the age of 18, and consequences of school use still exist.”

After the Daily Digest announcement of the marijuana, hundreds of memes overwhelmed social media.

With the backlash from parents, As-

sistant Superintendant Anjali Singh held a press conference last Wednesday in the Performing Arts Center to justify the decision.

“As long as there aren’t kids using it, there shouldn’t be a problem with growing it for a

dispensary,” Singh said. “Just as there are pass-running jobs, we are looking to make picking and packaging either a paid job for students with free periods or a potential punishment for students that are enrolled in ‘Loss of Privilege.’”

Regardless of the mixed reactions, the school plans to go through with their proposal. Student Henry Jewel ’20 is largely indifferent to the new changes.

“It’s not a big deal,” Jewel said as he rushed off to a locker room. “I don’t really pay attention to all these new rules. Honestly, whatever you’re into, dude, that’s your problem.”

The student athletic trainers have teamed up with Stevenson’s medical department to start the use of marijuana for medical purposes to help athletes get over injuries. The chess head coach Jerry Garcia embraces these changes and hopes that his chess team can take part in the medical.

“With the amount of obscure and painful injuries that my players get, the chess team is looking forward to healing their injuries with locally sourced CBD and hemp oil,” Garcia said.

HOSA and FBLA clubs will begin researching the medical benefits of the drug, as well as additional business opportunities intended to help maximize Stevenson’s dispensary profit.

WRITTEN AND DESIGNED BY: HIGH IN THE SKY

January 2020 - Sloth

31