Stephens Life | Spring 2019

THE LINE UP SL 4

MANAGING EDITORS Editor in Chief Aurola Wedman Alfaro Managerial Editor Michelle Morris Creative Director Leigh Ann Barnett Copy Editor Hannah Kueck

MANAGING EDITORS

Content Creator Bri Mays Director of Outreach Allex Looper

STAFF Meca Brown-Sanders Issa Buck Leslie Douglas Julienne Graebner Madison Green Caila Holsapple Younique Johnson Karli Mehrle Christine Pham Dajah Ray Lex Rinehart Hannah Robertson Christina Scott

Aurola Wedman Alfaro

MICHELLE MORRIS

LEIGH ann BARNETT

HANNAH KUECK

BRI MAYS

ALLEX LOOPER

CONTRIBUTORS Anna Tripolitis William Víquez Mora

ADMINISTRATION Staff Advisors Mikkel Christensen & Lisa Lenoir

SPECIAL THANKS

School of Design Dean Monica McMurry Stephens College President Dianne Lynch Associate Professor Chase Thompson Stephens Life is the student magazine of Stephens College in Columbia, Missouri. Opinions expressed are not necessarily the views of the college, students, administration, faculty or staff.

Stephens Life strives for accuracy. To report a correction or clarification, please send an email to aurwedmanalfaro17@sc.stephens.edu

Spring 2019 TEAM

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THE LINE UP STAFF

MECA BROWN-SANDERS

ISSA BUCK

LESLIE DOUGLAS

JULIENNE GRAEBNER

MADISON GREEN

CAILA HOLSAPPLE

YOUNIQUE JOHNSON

KARLI MEHRLE

CHRISTINE PHAM

DAJAH RAY

aLEXanderia RINEHART

HANNAH ROBERTSON

CHRISTINA SCOTT

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This issue is dedicated to Alyssa Hency and her family

Letter from the Editor Without fins or wings, humankind managed to explore the depths of the ocean and to fly above the clouds. Even further up, where our planet can be seen in its totality, surrounded by blackness and stars.

Innate curiosity and determination fueled Ernest Shackleton’s Antartic expeditions, Bessie Coleman’s exhibition flights, Peggy Whitson’s 665 days in space and currently, Paul Salopek’s 21,000mile odyssey from Ethiopia to South America. Traveling, along with the sound of foreign languages, the taste of new flavors and the sight of fresh landscapes, is an enriching experience that keeps our eyes open and our minds curious.

Welcome to the Voyage Issue, where we aim to ignite your curiosity.

Although we didn’t get a chance to travel to Bali or Singapore to snap a few pictures for you, we will take you places. Join Jules Graebner, Meca Brown-Sanders and Hannah Kueck on a journey to unravel what life is like for foster children, plus-size women, and long-distance partners, respectively. Christina Scott unfolds how black women are learning and remaking their history, while Bri Mays starts a conversation with young women to embrace The Talk that they never had at home or at school.

Stephens Life is here to have these conversations. We strive to maintain a platform where everyone’s voice can be heard. We seek to create understanding among a diverse world. Stephens Life is here to build bridges and break stigmas.

As you travel through these stories, we hope you will learn something new and will take the opportunity to look at the world through someone else’s eyes.

Enjoy, converse & stay curious.

Buen viaje, Aurola Wedman Alfaro EDITOR IN CHIEF

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Stephens

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table of contents

forever yours 6 BEING A FAT GIRL 12 AVIATRIX 18 THIS IS OUR HISTORY 24 I WISH I WISH 30 OrBA 34 derby days 40 EMBODYING RESILIENCE 42 girl talk uninterrupted 48 THE HARDEST JOB YOU’LL EVER LOVE 60

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Forever Yours

when your heart’s in the right place . . .

but they’re not

Story by Hannah Kueck Photography by Hannah Kueck + Aurola Wedman Alfaro

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My love, I miss you more with each passing

day. I sit by my phone every Friday

night waiting for you to call. A call

that you might not even get to make, but I still hold onto a shred of hope.

I need to hear your voice. I need to

hear you say I love you. I need you. . .

I

magine not “being” able to see the person you love every day. Imagine not being able to hold them in your arms.

Now imagine only being able to talk to the one you love through sloppy, handwritten letters.

In August of 2015, I fell in love with a man who dreamt of becoming a pilot for the military. I didn’t know just how much this dream of his would impact our relationship– until he enlisted for the Marines in the summer of 2018. The next thing I know, it’s four months later and he’s boarding a plane leaving his phone and his civilian life behind to go to boot camp in San Diego for three months.

That’s three months of waiting anxiously by the mailbox for a letter to arrive. Three months of never hearing his voice.

Three months of missing my best friend. Three long months.

I never fully appreciated the time I had with him until I had to go without him for so long. The moment I spotted him in the crowd of uniformed Marines, I fell in love with him all over again. Being in his arms again made the heartache I felt every day for months worth it–I was finally in his arms again.

In that moment of being wrapped in his warmth, I realized distance really can make the heart grow fonder. And it has for many people, besides myself.

Almost three-quarters of college students today are or have been in long-distance relationships. When many people hear the phrase “long-distance relationship” they think of one word: failure. Dr. Eric Marx, a psychology professor at Stephens College, explains that long-distance relationships can work. In the initial stages of any relationship, the couple begins to idealize each other. Couples that are in longdistance relationships, however, tend to idealize each other more than the couples that are together regularly. It has been shown that these couples that idealize each other more after being apart, have more successful relationships. But idealizing isn’t the only marker of success.

“It’s not enough to just be in love–you have to let the person know” Dr. Marx continues. Whether it’s a simple kiss on the

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“It’s not enough to just be in love...you have to let the person know.”

–Dr. Eric Marx cheek, or a note on the pillow– it’s the little ways of showing love that make any relationship successful.

The Transatlantic Romance

What began as an online-gaming friend for Phoenix Bussey, a junior filmmaker at Stephens College, unexpectedly turned into much more. Through hours of video chatting and phone calls, she fell in love with Chad Simpson, a fellow video-game connoisseur and movie buff who lives thousands of miles away from her in the United Kingdom.

At the beginning, Bussey was apprehensive about telling anyone about her relationship– she, herself, was worried it might be a “catfish” or fictional persona. So, she kept her relationship with Simpson to herself, until she knew it was serious. Many of her friends supported her relationship, but her mother was worried. After all, Bussey had only seen Simpson through screens. Until October of 2018.

In October of 2018, Simpson made the voyage from the U.K. to Columbia, Missouri to finally meet the woman he had been falling for.

Before he got here Bussey was nervous about everything–she was even freaking out about what outfit she was going to wear when she first saw him. But once he finally got here, “everything just fell into place,” Bussey describes as she reminisces on their first day together.

In movies, they always make a couple’s first touch, their first kiss, their first everything seem magical when they finally get to be together. Bussey recalls that these small cinematic moments are true, “you really do feel a certain-type-of-way. . . it really is magical.”

Being in a long-distance relationship requires trust, confidence in the relationship, and communication.

For Bussey, not every day is magical. She has days where she feels insecure, and even more where she just misses Simpson. Just as in any relationship, communicating with one another makes these days more bearable. It makes relationships stronger.

Without good communication, there won’t be success– only heartbreak.

The Route 66 Romance

Even in the digital age some people still meet face to face such as Emily Whistler and her significant other.

Whistler wasn’t planning on meeting the love of her life while she was going out with a group of her friends, but when a man from Texas decided to tag along that would soon change. Whistler and Daniel Morcom, the man who later became her boyfriend instantly connected. But unfortunately, a few weeks after they connected and made their relationship official, he had to return home to Texas.

Whistler has already created a solid foundation for herself in Columbia, Missouri and she was not going to give that up for anything. So, she and her boyfriend decided to give long distance a chance.

Whistler and her significant other have clashing schedules. Therefore, communication is a key element to keeping their relationship strong and healthy.

Whether it’s a phone call, a quick video chat or a simple Snapchat, Whistler finds comfort in being able to hear his voice or see his face.

The Long-Distance-Heartbreak

Not every long-distance relationship is as successful as Bussey’s and Whistler’s. Jessica Ferguson, a sophomore at Stephens College, is one of these cases.

Ferguson met her ex-significant other on Tinder while she was in Florida for a summer internship.

“It was like love-at-first-sight” Ferguson explains. Or so she thought.

When they were together, their relationship was incredible, she recalls. Every moment was better than the last. Until she had to return to Missouri for school. Ferguson’s relationship began to lack the communication and attention she needed and eventually they started to drift away from each other. After he made a trip to come visit Ferguson in Missouri, the two decided they should end things between them before either one got hurt again from the distance.

••• Being in love with someone that’s miles away is challenging. It requires trust. It requires loyalty. It requires deep, unconditional love. But when you’re finally together, it makes the hardships worth it.

I know the distance is hard.

I know we’re going to have

to work for it every day. But you’re worth it. I love you.

Forever yours, Han

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Being A Fat Girl “This is what most girls are taught...to be slender and small. We should not take up space... we should be pleasing to men, acceptable to society. And most women know this, that we are supposed to disappear, but it’s something that needs to be said, loudly, over and over again, so that we can resist surrendering to what is expected of us.”

– Hunger by Roxane Gay Story by Meca Brown-Sanders Photography by Anna Tripolitis

B

eing a fat girl isn’t always sad or miserable.

At times it can be funny, uplifting, and most importantly empowering. These are the times when you are at your most confident. Like when you go out to a party and dance the night away, no matter who’s watching or what they’ll say. Or when you work up the courage to put on lingerie and stand in front of that dreadful mirror and admire your curves. Even when you model in your friend’s photo shoot where you show all your “flaws” and embrace how beautiful you are. These are the times when being fat doesn’t matter. But there are times when being a fat girl can be bitter-sweet.

Imagine catching a packed-ass metro bus and having to push and squeeze through loads of people.

Sometimes you won’t be able to fit between or pass people, and some people won’t let you pass them. It’s the most humiliating, not to mention uncomfortable, experience. Then there are problems like inner thigh chafing that cause red burns or not being able to button your pants because of your belly. Later it’s your favorite jeans getting ripped up because your thighs are too thick. But the worst of all, is feeling pretty and being pretty and then having someone tear you down about being fat.

Society tells us what is beautiful and what is not. Fat is not considered attractive. Women are targeted

by the beauty industry and are overwhelmed by magazines, advertisements, online content, etc. that enforce one perception of beauty: flawless and thin. This perception marginalizes women’s natural beauty and forces them to alter themselves to fit this perfect image. In some cases, many women can and do fit into this perception, but those who cannot are criticized and made invisible in the beauty world.

Women in Hollywood and the fashion industry are constantly shamed for not keeping up with this perfect image of what society believes a woman is supposed to look like. And it delivers a message that says that a woman doesn’t own her own body and that it can be objectified and sexualized. So being a fat girl in this society isn’t easy. Because like all women we are objectified and hypersexualized.

We are quickly told how we aren’t pretty but are considered fetishes. Women like us are poorly represented in fashion, magazines, the runway, and television. If we are somewhat represented, it is a plus-size model with an hourglass figure. Out of all the different body types in the plus-size community, the media only acknowledges one.

We are excluded from the things that are supposed to empower us. As if that wasn’t enough, we are constantly fat shamed, slammed with diets and workout routines by our peers and family members.

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We are consistently made aware of how big we are and how offensive it is to other people. It is damaging to a fat girl’s self-esteem and self-worth.

Many of us internalize this type of trauma. We often worry about intruding someone else’s space, about eating too much, or about if someone will like us as a fat girl. Sometimes this weary becomes self-hate.

Despite the cruelty that fat girls and heavier people endure from society, at times, other people don’t make being a fat girl hard, it is the person in the mirror. I, for one, have been hard on myself about being fat. I once refused to live my best life because I am fat. I used to only wear big sweaters and sweats to hide my body in. I didn’t want anyone to see the rolls in my back, my oversized belly, and my large breasts. I kept myself hidden. I always told myself: “I don’t want to see me, why would anyone else?” I convinced myself that I was ugly, and I wouldn’t be pretty until the fat fell off. So, I spent two years of my life avoiding mirrors, refusing to take photos, or go anywhere that wasn’t home. I hated being at parties because I felt insecure about my body, and I would just stand against the wall. I spiraled into a deep depression that at times caused me to attempt suicide. I hated being fat, and I tried everything in my power to avoid the fact that I was indeed fat. I didn’t want to be a fat girl, and I’m not the only one who experienced this.

Tiana Williams, a 2018 graduate of Stephens College, said she is most aware of her “fat body” when she is shopping. She goes through the process of trying on clothes and even trying to look for clothes, but it always downs her mood or discourages her. When it comes to dating online, she feels the need to disclose the fact that she is fat; so that she doesn’t deceive anyone when describing herself in her bio. She felt like if she just lost the weight that all her problems would be solved. Williams hopes she can reclaim the word fat: “The word fat has negative energy and memories that surround it, so it’s hard to reclaim it as a positive thing, especially when describing myself.

But it doesn’t have to be, it’s only negative if I allow it to be.”

Many fat girls do not like the word fat, they prefer curvy, chubby or plus sized. However, some do.

The word fat is a dagger, that cuts deep because of the negative connotation that surrounds the word.

Slowly but surely, fat girls realize that the word fat

“The goal isn’t fat girls diet, the goal is fat girls love yourself.”

-Karli Mehrle

doesn’t have to be negative and like Tiana said, “it’s only negative if you allow it to be.” We have been constructed to think being fat is a negative thing because of the messages that bombard us daily. But really, all we need through this journey of being a fat girl is self-love. We have to stop thinking negatively about our bodies and about ourselves in general.

Women have always disclosed the things they don’t like about themselves, especially their bodies and how much they want to change it.

A change is needed, says Karli Mehrle, a fashion design and product development freshman at Stephens College, who advocates for body positivity: “Girls speaking on their insecurities about themselves hurt other girls around them, and they don’t realize that half of the time.” As women, as fat girls, we need to realize what we say about ourselves impacts other girls around us. And if we want to change the perceptions of women’s bodies we must start with ourselves. If we empower ourselves, we will empower each other.

Becca McCharen-Tran is the CEO and designer of Chromat, a swim and bodywear brand that promotes inclusivity and empowers people of all shapes and sizes.

“When I’m designing or thinking about the women’s body or the femme body, I am thinking about our goal at Chromat. Which is to make people feel comfortable in their own skin, to make them feel accepted, to make them feel seen, to make them feel like we’re designing for them. It’s important for every fashion designer to use whatever platform they have to empower other people, and if I’m going to have a show at fashion week, I am going to do just that,” she says.

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Mccharen-Tran started designing clothes for herself and her friends who were all different shapes and sizes. Today, she continues to design for and cast diverse people who have different body types and sizes to make sure that all kinds of bodies are represented in fashion.

“As a designer, you must recognize that who you cast is a political decision, there’s no neutral position. If you choose to cast all skinny models or all size zero models, then that’s a political decision that you’re making to exclude people.”

People like McCharen-Tran are dismantling societies perceptions of what a woman’s body is and creating an inclusive representation of what women think a woman’s body is, specifically their own bodies.

McCharen-Tran empowered herself so that she could empower others.

Therefore, to my fat girls, in the words of Karli Mehrle: “The goal isn’t diet, fat girls. The goal is fat girls, love yourself.”

Love yourself fat and all. Never hide because of what others think of your body, never let others tear you down about being fat, and never pressure yourself to lose the weight so that you can feel better about yourself.

Your body is not a problem, and it never was. It’s the way you thought about your body that was the problem. You have always been pretty, you have always been worthy of love, of life, of happiness. So, wear that outfit, go out on that date, eat whatever you want, do whatever you want; don’t let being fat stop you. It won’t always be peaches and cream, this is an ongoing journey of self-love.

Not every day will be perfect, and it may take a longer time to appreciate the person in the mirror.

But at least you made the effort to look in the mirror and love every roll, every curve, every stretch mark, and every “imperfection”.

You are perfect the way you are. Flaunt it, grow to love it. That way the girls around you, whether they’re thin or not, can love themselves too. In this way, we can change the narrative about being a fat girl and about body image as a whole.

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Aviatrix An ode to the muses that took over the sky Photography: Aurola Wedman Alfaro + William Víquez Mora

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History

This is our

Black women on a journey to make a new history Story + Photography by Christina Scott

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I

n sixth grade I skip, chin to the sky, into an Irish and Scottish shop on a cloudy Market Street. My parents keep close behind me, and they wear pinched looks of concern on their faces. The place bears a perplexing scent of dusty book pages and damp wood mixed with a soft lilac as if a candle were burning. The beige paint on the walls is framed with a dull forest green trim near the ceiling. As I traverse the various oddities tucked away in the shop (cloaks, bowler hats, pendants, figurines and such), I catch sight of a large black binder on a shelf. It is stuffed with pages upon laminated pages of information, and on the front cover in graphic Renaissance font, it reads “Family Crests”.

Curious, I struggle to remove the binder from the shelf and bring it to the front counter where an older woman is seated.

“Can you find my family crest in here?” I ask her with a twinkle in my unknowing eye. A deep sigh emerges from her belly before she answers me, and for a moment her eyebrows furrow perhaps with pity.

“Maybe. What’s your last name?”

“It’s Scott.” With this bit of knowledge, her eyes widen and she begins flipping vigorously through the pages, mumbling my last name to herself as she searches.

“Ah, I got it! Have a look.” She turns the book around on the counter and I stared at the blue and gold shape on the page.

It has flourishes and swirls around the edges with shapes and sashes through the middle. The head of an animal admonishes the top of it. I thank the woman and smiled on my way out of the shop. Once outside of the door, my mother takes my hand and bends down to my height. She looks into my eyes as she speaks.

“Christina, that is not your family crest.”

It takes me years to understand what she means.

••• To many people a last name is a tie to the history of their family; a reminder of their ancestors’ occupations or possibly a great historical figure from which they are descended. For many black Americans, it is a reminder not only of the wrongs that have been committed against them, but also that their original last names were taken from them by slave owners.

A last name is a small part of the greater issue of having their family history forgotten. This means that they have no way of knowing the stories of their ancestors, where they came from, or what they have been through. The only stories many black people often do have date back a generation or two at most because they are typically about the lives of our living relatives. Anything prior to that may remain a mystery forever. This lack of familial history is often called the “erasure” of history, and it causes issues with a sense of identity, community, and even more insidious problems.

Today, black culture is thriving, and new technology and changes in society are making it possible to share the culture throughout most of the black community. That is, black

people are making a new history for future generations to have where past generations did not.

Stolen Pasts Language The erasure of black family history is, like most black struggles, an issue that can be traced back to slavery. Africans were stolen from their homeland and brought to this country to work with other Africans who often spoke a different language.

Additionally, many forms of storytelling were not allowed by slaveowners and children were typically separated from their parents by the time they could speak. This prevented slaves from passing down stories of their lives orally and, since most slaves were not allowed to learn to read or write, they could not document any of their stories. Slaves were forced to use alternative forms of communication with each other through oral traditions such as the griot, a type of African storyteller, and call-and-response.

Dr. Karla D Scott is a Saint Louis University Professor of Communications and the former director of their African American Studies department. She is the author of the book The Language of Strong Black Womanhood: Myths, Models, Messages, and a New Mandate for Self-Care and my incredible aunt who took the time to give me a scholarly perspective on the issues of black familial erasure.

She sees language as a pivotal part of how African American language was shaped in history. “We should look back at the word ‘Nommo’. Afrocentric scholar Molefi Asante talked about the power of the word or ‘Nommo’”.

She says the phrase “depended on one’s ability to use language in powerful ways… [and] one’s ability to create using language… [it’s] the power of the word to be able to do something, to move, to cause emotion. You can even think of things like incantation or affirmation.” This use of spoken word has allowed black people to carry down traditions and some stories.

Trauma Given black people’s history of suffering in the past, much of the elder black community has tried to forget the painful experiences that plagued their families. Dr. Scott also notes that the trauma black people have endured throughout their time in America has resulted in many black people becoming unwilling to pass down their stories.

“There is this unspoken agreement not to talk about pain, not to talk about problems, and not to reveal the family’s ‘dirty laundry’ because they want to move forward and they don’t want to think about the past.”

Phoenix Bussey, a student at Stephens College, recalls a traumatic part of her family’s history as one of the only parts

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Stephens College student Phoenix Bussey tells the the story of how she was called to activism.

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“The only brief story I remember at all was my parents explaining how even my great-great-great grandparents and great-great-grandparents were slaves.”

She continues that she remembers being shown a photograph of a distant relative who was a slave. “My Mom actually remembers speaking to her, I never got to meet her because she died before I was born, but apparently she never mentioned her life as a slave—for good reason too. And she actually did have old scars of whippings across her back and legs and other lesions/contusions on her body during those days.”

Understanding the Past Many times, the painful stories in black families aren’t passed down because older generations want their children to look forward to a better future. However, this omission of history might not be as beneficial as black ancestors thought.

Being without any family stories can often affect black people’s sense of identity and the bond of the black family.

It is very easy as a black person to forget about the ways in which our ancestors fought to survive when much of history is white-washed, and this affects the way that the current black community feels equipped to deal with current issues. Unfortunately, the oppressive systems set against black people in the past still remain today. Because of the structure of class and access to education, many black people cannot afford to attend the types of schools that teach about these systems.

“It’s important that a new generation does understand what a people have gone through and what a family has gone through so that they understand that it was not easy to get here.” Dr. Scott spoke on the subject.

“It has been a struggle, and I always think it’s important that black students and young black people understand that struggle and how we got here because the underlying oppressive forces, systems, and structures are still there they are just not as overt; they are covert.”

Health Dr. Scott also talks about how being unaware of family history can affect people physically. When information about a family is not passed down, black people can be unaware of predispositions to certain diseases, mental and physical, and patterns of troubling behavior. Mental illness is widely ignored in the black community because of a lack of understanding, but it is still prominent in our lives and our family’s lives.

“Many black families have that ‘crazy cousin’” Dr. Scott begins regarding mental illness in the community. “Back then we never called it bipolar disorder.”

She continues, “It’s a source of shame if a family has all the appearances and trappings of success but you have that

one family member who has that odd, erratic, perhaps even manic behavior. It makes you look bad, but we as a people were told that’s a source of shame, so we didn’t see it as mental illness.”

For this reason, mental illness often goes untreated in the black community, leaving some of our most vulnerable people out of the possibility of success or even good quality of life. Fortunately today, more black familes are opening up dialogues about mental health and getting their relatives the help they need.

Making the Future Culture Despite the difficulties that have come from the erasure of black familial history, black people today are rebuilding their own history through culture. Black culture is extremely rich and influential in the broader American culture, spanning the fields of music, dance, language, literature, film, and countless other mediums. This and the records that have been kept of it will serve as a form of history for future black generations. Older black people will be able pass down their connections to the culture in congruence with their personal histories. Also, Dr. Scott contends that black history will pass down its stories of success “We have to keep talking about our success as ‘Yes this is a very good thing. Look at what we’re doing. Look what black women have done in my generation.’” She also reminds us though that we cannot leave out the problems in our pasts. “…you also have to include ‘This is what I overcame’” When referring specifically to black women in academia she says that their hurdles “were the same barriers their mothers faced in the seventies”.

Telling children this will move them to tear down those barriers as their parents fought to do.

New Possibilities This new sense of history will instill in black youth heightened feelings of self-worth since it will be for some black kids the first time they see themselves being portrayed as valuable and capable of great things. This has already started today as there is more positive black representation in children’s media and media in general. More children’s books and television shows feature black characters in situations relevant to today’s society. Also, media has allowed black youth to connect over the issues that still affect them and come together to fight against them.

“When Michael Brown Jr. was murdered back in 2014, I lived in St. Louis during that time of the Ferguson riots.”

Phoenix said on how connection to those around her gave a strength to fight against injustices. “A lot of pain and hurt

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“[Parents] didn’t want [children] to know that someone in the family had gotten lynched because that’s a painful thing for a child to know.”

-Dr. Karla D. Scott

was flooded not only in my community but even in my high school. I had friends and other students that were either from Ferguson or around the area, that were affected by this tragedy and help protest along with many others within the Ferguson community and the injustice of MBJ. The death of MBJ made me fearful for my life and my brothers especially, unsure of my trust in cops and so on.

“But it still didn’t deter from the fact that something sparked inside me at 15–I wanted to become an activist. I wanted to fight for my rights and many others who don’t have a voice and be that voice for them. It made me upset, angry, and disappointed by the sentencing of the cop that murdered MBJ, but it taught me that not only as being a black mixed woman I should stand for my community. But that I should also not be afraid to do right when someone does wrong.

“At the time I wasn’t allowed to go out and protest due to the violence brought on to civilians by the state government, but I still had that burning passion for justice in my soul that I’ve lived with since then regarding any issues of human and civil rights. And if I ever have children of my own or my siblings have children, I want to teach them about activism and show how it important to our society.”

There will also be a better sense of community as black people will be able to connect through their culture and history in a way that was not previously possible.

Technology has played an important role in this development as it allows a new form of communication and ways for black children to learn about themselves and the world around them. It has also seen scientific developments that allow people to find out more about where their families came from.

It is not perfect in that it can’t find out stories that weren’t documented, but it gives a better sense of place to the family and to a person’s heritage. Regardless of whether or not this geographical knowledge benefits people today in ways other than curiosity, it shows that black people want to know about their pasts and their family’s pasts so they can pass it down to the next generations. Overall, there is a positive future for the creation of black history and we are all a part of it now.

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I WisH I Wish Wishing on stars, throwing pennies in wells and working our asses off Story + Illustrations by Leigh Ann Barnett

"When will my life begin?"

"A Dream is a wish your hearT makes"

As we’ve all learned from years of watching fantasy movies, hope is a powerful feeling, a driving force. Hope is why college students go through the trials and tribulations that college brings.

The sun isn’t up yet and won’t be for another 20 minutes.

Ellen Erchul gets up at 6 a.m. and takes a detour to Starbucks. She then makes her way to the Stephens barn where she looks over a few horses, one of her everyday tasks as an equestrian studies major. She’ll be there for another hour or so before she heads back to campus for a workout— either cardio or muscle building.

One of my fondest moments growing up was of my mom playing the first Disney Mania CD while I sat in the light tan leather seats of our white Ford minivan. Though the disk was full with some of my favorite Disney songs, I remember one standing out for two important reasons. First, because my mom always turned down the volume for the first minute and 30 seconds of the song and second, because of the shift in the song’s melody and lyrics.

This song was “Out There” from Disney’s 1996 rendition of The Hunchback of Notre Dame. The song begins with the villain, Frollo, singing to remind Quasimodo, the hunchback, that the world was no place for someone who looked the way Quasi does. The first minute and a half is a reminder about how cruel the world can be and how manipulative people that we trust can turn out to be.

My mom would almost always turn the volume down for that minute and a half to shield me from those horrible thoughts and words, or simply because she thought 7 a.m. while driving her two daughters to school was just too early to hear about prejudices (which it absolutely was).

But it’s the last three minutes of the song that captured my attention. As the melody of the song becomes lighter, my mother would turn the volume back up just in time to hear Quasimodo sing about his biggest wish: to leave the bell tower of Notre Dame and walk along the streets of Paris.

Through the last part of the song, he sings about how he’d give anything for a day among the people, living their ordinary lives.

It’s there in the backseats of the van where I learned that the world wasn’t always kind, but that it shouldn’t stop me from dreaming impossible dreams. It was in that car where I learned that hope could not only cultivate dreams, but help us turn those dreams into reality.

“I focus a lot on cardio and muscle building because the horses are also athletes and we have to keep up with them.

It’s not fair for them if we’re all so out of shape,” Erchul says.

Her day continues with regular classes: anatomy, small business, and event planning.

Erchul explains how her classes incorporate theory and direct practice,“I really like learning in a classroom because you really get to analyze everything, and get down to the nitty gritty, but then you get out to the barn and you get to see these same things happening. You talk about a certain disease or disorder that a horse can have, where they can be sore in a certain place, and you put that into play with hands-on experience.”

Later on, she’ll return to the barn and work her assigned horses. She will care for them and take them out so they can run around for the final time that day.

“It’s difficult because in this program you have a big string of horses and you’re changing horses all the time. You have to try and care about them [all] equally and not get too attached to one specific horse. It’s part of my career as a professional too. I won’t be able to bond with one certain horse who belongs to someone else,” Erchul says.

Equine majors have four horse shows during the school year.

It is especially important during those times when having a bond with the horse is essential.

“You and this other animal don’t speak the same language, but you have to get the same thing done. I do whatever I have to do to make that horse comfortable enough to trust me, to allow me to ride him. You learn how to not piss them off,” she says.

SL 31 Knowing what the horses will do is only part of the process.

The horses can feed off of the emotions of their riders as Erchul found out during a particularly bad ride her sophomore year at the American Royal show in Kansas City.

“This horse needed a lot of calming energy. The thing is, you need an opposites-attract relationship when you’re riding horses,” Erchul says. “I just got frustrated and frazzled, we went in there and just started butting heads the entire time and once you’re in the mindset of being mad, there isn’t any going back. You just have to ride it through. I learned from that.”

Erchul recalls feeling discouraged after what she called a “horrendous ride”, luckily she has found support and friendship within her team. “The girls really came through for me. They knew exactly what they needed to do to make me feel comfortable and just did everything in their power to make me laugh and smile,” she says.

Before shows, Erchul and her peers often stay up all night practicing. Every now and then, a drink from Starbucks motivates Erchul to stay awake, but deep down she knows that she just has to. “I just think of the pay off. If I want to show the next day then I’m going to have to buckle up and get over how much sleep I’m going to get.”

As we know college is expensive and when you’re working with animals that can weigh thousands of pounds it’s even more so. With hundreds of dollars just going to lab fees and a few thousand more in show money, loans start to add up, but the experiences, Erchul explains, are worth it.

“Going to a show is something that you build up to weeks and months before. You want to get there and put on a good performance for everybody. You’re only in the show ring, being judged for fifteen to twenty minutes, but that span of time is amazing,” she says. “It’s the pay off that’s rewarding.

From what you see at the very beginning of a semester and coming to the very end.”

I think that’s one of my favorite things about college—almost everyone has found their passions and are chasing them down.

"Almost There" Caila Parks has loved fashion throughout most of her life; it was her mom who suggested she go to school for fashion design. But when it comes to getting into college, passion isn’t always enough.

“At first, I wanted to go to New York, because that’s where everybody goes. But the problem was, they wanted someone who already knew how to sew, and I had no clue,” Parks says. “[Stephens] offered beginning classes to teach you how to sew in a quick time period.”

Being a fast learner, Parks didn’t let that setback stop her.

Once at Stephens, where sewing experience wasn’t required for her acceptance, she learned and charged ahead.

"I'm going to have to buckle up and get over how much sleep I'm going to get."

-Ellen Erchul

SL 33 “I got through it really quickly and I learned how to [sew],” she says. “I like that there was a foundation in order to help you [learn how to sew].”

When you’re passionate, you have big expectations, but when you’re in college you have very little time. It’s a constant war that students face: getting the project done by the due date or not turning it in until it’s a replica of the idea they saw in a dream.

“It is hard. I’ve had to remove some design aspects because of [time],” Parks says. “It’s the time constraints that won’t allow me to try something new. Something I’ve never done before. Something I want to learn, and my professors warn against because of time. Which sucks. I could do it on my own time, but I also want someone there to help me with it.”

When students struggle to find time for the projects and responsibilities that are bestowed on them, the term “time management” is quickly brought up. However, many don’t realize the amount of time that students are already putting into their work.

“I would say I spend on average eight or nine hours each day [working on projects].” Sometimes it can be less depending on the workload. Sometimes it can be more.” So that can be eight or nine hours working on her projects on top of other classes (some labs lasting around three hours), homework, and trying to find time to eat.

With how much students work, no matter the major, it’s a wonder they get any sleep at all. “I try to get at least seven to eight hours of sleep and I try to make that mandatory,” says Parks. “Because if you’re tired you mess up. And when you mess up you can get angry and as you get more angry you can mess up even more.”

Students consider themselves to be sleep deprived, broke, sometimes even borderline crazy. So what makes it all worth it? Hope. The hope that what we’re working towards is worth it. Hope that all the debt won’t matter once we’re doing what we love. Just hope.

“I think it is [worth it]. Some of it I complain about, but in the end, I tell myself that I’m still going somewhere. It’s not like I’m back at the beginning, I’m still moving forward,” Parks says. “You may feel like you’re at a stand still, but you aren’t.”

You may Feel Like You're At a Stand still, But you ARen't."

-Caila Parks

"How Far I'll Go" So, you do four years of work, now what? Some think ‘well I paid my dues, now I’ll have my dream job,’ and though that’s a great fantasy, it’s not very likely. Noel Spiva, a fashion marketing major and a graphic design minor graduated from Stephens College in May 2018. After years of working to complete her program, she explains that graduating wasn’t all she thought it was cracked up to be: “I feel like a lot of people think that you have to immediately have the job after [college], but you don’t. That’s one thing I always want to express to students at Stephens; that after graduation you may not be in the leadership position you’re in now.”

But just as she found the joy in her friendships during project week in school, she finds the joy in still being at home and having time for her passion projects.

“I’m working in retail, but I’m doing something that’s visual.

Whether it’s at a retail, grocery or even at a gas station you can still practice your passion. It’s ok. You’re finding yourself along the way,” she says.

Along with working on her music, Spiva also works with SLUG, an agency formed by designers from multiple fields that create thought-evoking visual arts. SLUG found her through Instagram because Spiva was using the platform to showcase her work. It was through the agency that she was able to be head of a project that was featured on multiple high profile sites and magazines including Vogue.com.

“There’s a photo of a model holding the Zine that I had worked tirelessly on. It was the greatest feeling ever to see not only my team as a whole, but myself featured in there, it makes me feel like they appreciate the work we created and the work I was able to contribute to.”

But what’s next? “The next goal is finding a full time job that caters to my interest in fashion, music and art. Hopefully all three, if not one or another. Finding space to heal and grow as a woman [who is] learning to believe in myself as much as I can,” Spiva says.

As amazing as a Vogue feature is, the burning question is still there: Is college worth it? “I think that [college is worth it] if you want to go through everything that it includes.

Those things may not be the same for everyone but it takes a lot of strength, perseverance, and determination to get a degree. The degree can be really helpful, but even without one you can do anything,” Spiva says.

"Go The Distance" Hope is a funny thing. In one moment, it’s the thing that’s keeping you up at 1:30 in the morning trying to finish a project. But it can also be the idea that is creating the hot tears we try to hold back when the project we spent hours on isn’t at all what we envisioned. Sometimes it feels like shit.

There’s no getting passed it. But it’s why we’re here: to learn, to improve, to get better.

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SL 35

/‘orba/ (feminine) (adj.)

Latin word for orphaned, parentless, childless, widowed.

Story + Photography by Madison Green

SL 36 within the darkness: Light In memory of two loving fathers: Fred Meyers and Bug.

SL 37

Journal Entry: 11/15/17 (three years after you died.) – Missing you always comes in waves. I realize now that the pain of losing you will never ease. I feel you through me. In everything I do. Everything. You taught me so much. Like appreciation…. For everything. You taught me about suffering, and how I don’t want to live a life of suffering. For you. For Ava. For grandma. For Lindsey. For Heather. For Emily. For Kurt. I want to be happy for you, because you never had the chance.

–For my mother who gave me her heart. We will never not be in the same beat–

D

eath is not something people want to talk about.

It’s uncomfortable. It’s painful. And quite frankly, it’s terrifying. Talking about death isn’t going to kill you, but it just might change the way you live – it did for me. Death used to be something that made me extremely uncomfortable, whether it was talking about another’s experience or my own. It took me three years to realize and admit that death was my biggest fear. It has taken me four years to comfortably talk about death. That same year is when I decided to see a therapist. All these things stem from experiencing death, but I wasn’t the one who died – theoretically.

None of us know what happens to us after death. To an individual of traditional faith, death is not an end but a transition from one journey to the next. Yet the process of death and the experience of death leaves us with an emotion so deep that there are no words for it. Whether you consider yourself religious or even if you do not practice religion at all - we all will inevitably face the same fate. We all have an expiration date. As we grow older, we all can collectively agree that we come to this understanding - eventually we are going to die and so is everyone that we love. So why is death so hard to talk about? Why is death so hard to accept? Why is death so life-changing?

Death leaves you with unanswered questions. All of us - the rich, the poor, the young, the old, the brave, the exceptional, the honest – all of us touched in one way or another with dread and fear. The unknown is a scary place to take an adventure. Imagine you’re lost in a never-ending tunnel and you can’t see anything, and you can’t feel anything but the walls of the tunnel next you, guiding you forward.

Sometimes the tunnel gets small, you can’t breathe, and you have to crawl. It’s painful, you’re full of fear, and it’s such a long, long, long, tunnel. But you keep going, you keep putting one foot in front the other. Despite the pain. Despite the fear. Despite the confusion. Despite the questioning.

Despite the unknown. You keep going. Then one day, you finally see it. You see the end of this tunnel. You’re okay.

You’re not whole, you will never be whole again, you’ve been through a lot, but you’re okay.

Losing someone you love tragically and unexpectedly amounts to immeasurable pain. The end of a life is not something we can easily accept. Ignoring death will not make it go away. Death has a voice, and it’s dying to be heard. When death takes someone you love, it seems to be right in your ear. Screaming. It’s telling you to give up on living. It’s telling you there’s just not enough time. Never enough time.

When my mother died, time became very real for me. I remember always feeling like I never had enough time, like I was going to lose someone else I love any minute. A blanket of fear, confusion, anxiety and sadness was wrapped around me tightly. I didn’t know how to get out or ask for help. I was so angry, so confused, and so lost. I would feel guilty when I experienced anger and sadness. ‘I have such a great support system. I have people who love me,’ I would think.

I told myself that I should be grateful for the things I have, not the things that I don’t have. I refused to talk about it, I was scared to talk about it for 3 years. It was too painful, too uncomfortable, it was always just too much. The very same thing that scared the shit out of me ended up being the same thing that saved me. Time. Time produces a past. You can choose to create a new life for yourself and transcend into a new reality.

Life doesn’t end when a part of yours does. Life keeps going. The Earth keeps spinning, and you’re still here. The pain of losing a mother, a child, a father, a lover, a brother, a sister, a friend is not going to be something that goes away. Missing them will always come in waves; when their birthday comes, Christmas, your birthday, the celebration of

“I am an extremely strong person. I surprise myself sometimes. Sometimes, I don’t even know how I get through the day or keep going. I’m not someone who gives up. I feel like a lot of that comes from the strength of the death of my dad.”

_ Kayla Meyers

your accomplishments, when you’re alone. These moments are reminders that they are no longer physically here. Their absence is noticed because they are loved. The pain endured from loss is proof that love is real. You cannot miss someone so deeply, without having to know of love.

Facing death means facing the ultimate question of the meaning of life. Where did they go? Where am I going to go when I die? How can someone be here one day and gone the next? All that’s left is memories, their possessions, photographs. It is an experience of loss of self.

Through the realization that life is ultimately short, growth occurs. I feel my experience with death has enriched my life more than any other experience.

SL 38 Death is a teacher for many. It brings lessons that only one who has experienced death firsthand can understand.

Every experience is different, but at the end of the day, death teaches us that life is short. That you can snap your fingers and one year has passed. It is not easy to face, most of us avoid the topic and refuse to confront it when it pays us a visit. When you have the courage to sit with death – to accept it as an important part of life, you will grow. You will grow, becoming all that is truly you and at the same time, becoming more fully human.

“The world may feel like it’s over. It’s okay

Simone Gregory’s, a student at Stephens and dear friend of mine, father had passed away her junior year of high school in 2016. She explains how during the time her father passed away, she was trying to grow her faith.

They didn’t die for you to just give up.”

“When you try to grow in your faith, you go through trials and tribulations for sure. It’s not like rainbows and sunshine. Yeah you do get blessings, but you also get trials.”

Her father’s death was trial and tribulation for her, and she understood that growth was going to occur for her. She trusted her faith, and it is her faith that gave her strength.

It gave her strength to keep going, to excel in everything that she chooses to do. She trusted and accepted that things happen for a reason.

process has five emotional stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not everyone will have the same grieving experience. Some may skip denial and anger and go straight to acceptance. Some may not reach certain processing stages. Some may get stuck at anger. We are all uniquely individual and will experience death in our own ways.

“Instead of taking my energy and putting it into negative energy, I turned it into positive energy. It’s one way to celebrate him. I’m going to do good things, because I know he would be proud,” Simone explains.

“You go through things sometimes to help other people. You go through things to retell your story.”

–

Simone Gregory

Simone’s heart is strong, she explained how at her father’s funeral, her stepfather pointed at her and touched her heart.

He told her, “You are strong here. It doesn’t matter if you’re strong any other way, if you’re strong in your heart, you’re okay.”

Death is something that we try to make sense of, there are many ways to look at it. Death is dark, but if you look hard enough you can find the light within it.

Acceptance of death plays a huge role and it is the hardest obstacle. I still to this day struggle with accepting that death will come for us all. Even when death is expected, it’s shocking every time it shows up at our door. The grieving

to not be okay. You can still smile. You might not feel like it, but it will be okay.

I am living proof, I am still smiling and laughing. You will be able to smile again.

You will be happy. Don’t lose hope. Don’t give up. Because life is worth living for.

_ Simone Gregory

It’s necessary to understand that experiencing loss is going to be a part of our lives as we grow older. We are going to face it again, and again, and again until we face it ourselves.

When we understand that, then we can really work on accepting it. Losing someone will never be beautiful. It’s going to be hard, it’s going to be life-shattering. Your world will demand for re-creation each time someone you love dies and it’s your responsibility to re-create it. You do it every time you get out of bed and begin your new day. You do it every time you break down and stand right back up. Every time one foot goes in front of the other.

A new reality formulates after one experiences loss. Some feel appreciation for those around them more than ever before. Some love less, some love harder. Some turn bitter, and others gentle.

There is not a right or wrong way to experience death. You go through what you go through. I am so thankful I had the opportunity to learn from my greatest teachers, my mother and my grandmother. I learned that I am always going to be fine, that it is our blessing and it is also our curse. I learned a new level of appreciation for everyone that I love. I learned that life is so short, and the best moments to live in are the present ones.

The most important thing I learned about is love: how important love is in everyday life. Their lights will forever guide me as I navigate through this journey called life.

Journal Entry: 3/17/2018 (4 years after you died. You turned 37 today.) – It’s amazing that something you experienced years ago still continues to have an impact on who you are today and the choices that you make. Everything is interconnected so beautifully. I see you in me every day. Today and forever is a day of celebration. The tears I shed for you today is just proof that love is real. I love you. I miss you. Thank you for your lessons. Happy Birthday.

SL 39

SL 40

"Women aren't supposed to be loud and pushy and aggressive and roller derby gives that the finger."

-Carissa Stevens

Derby Days

SL 41

Story by Michelle Morris Photography by Christine Pham

I

t’s a Thursday evening, a few miles north of Columbia in Hallsville, Missouri. Several cars are parked outside a large community building. As you enter the building, you are hit with a stinging cold that will stay with you the entirety of your visit. Through a short hallway, doors lead you to a wide-open, almost warehouse-like space with concrete floors and metal siding.

Inside, there are women gathered in small groups putting on beat-up roller skates and worn out knee pads. A whistle blows, signaling the start of practice and soon after, the sound of skates hitting the concrete floor is heard in harmony. This is where the Como Derby Dames practice, twice a week. It’s also where I found Victoria Hawkins, a senior biology major at Stephens College.

She is attending one of the weekly beginner sessions that the Como Derby Dames hosts. She has been attending these sessions for the past year with the intent of being on the team in the future. Roller derby wasn’t something she was always a part of, but when her counselor suggested she find an activity outside of her college campus, she found the Como Derby Dames, a league that has been around since 2007.

Hawkins remembers her first interaction with roller derby and the apprehension she felt entering the room. However, Hawkins quickly realized how kind everyone was and the support throughout the team. It was the understanding and the positive attitude that made Hawkins stick around and continue with the program.

Carissa Stevens, a freshman biology major at Stephens College has also been attending the beginner sessions with the advice of Hawkins. For Stevens, roller derby was the idea of doing something that she had never done before and quite frankly, terrified her. Although she had never been on skates prior to her first practice, she knew she had to keep going because she “was really envious of people who can do it and [didn’t] want to be envious of those people.” Her goal was to prove to herself that she could continue with the sport and keep improving.

Roller derby is a contact sport played by two teams of five members roller-skating counterclockwise around a track.

Until you see roller derby in action, it is a hard concept to grasp, but the basis of the sport is that two teams of five members are skating counter-clockwise around a track, in an attempt to get their jammer (scorer) through the pack in order to score. However roller derby is different than other contact

sports because a. It’s on skates and b. The environment of roller derby is unique. Roller derby is a full contact sport and what makes it so is that “you’re using your whole body and all of your force to push into another person.”

The Como Derby Dames split roller derby is divided into four different components consisting of beginner/future levels, endurance, B-team, and A-Team. The beginner classes are eight weeks and consist of learning the basics of roller derby and “even if you know how to skate, you don’t know how to roller derby skate” says Stevens. Once you have completed the eight-week beginner course, you are eligible to take a skills test to move on to the next level. Endurance is the process of enhancing your skills, and from that, you must pass another skills test. The B-team component is where you scrimmage and work with the A-team and then finally the A-team is the traveling team that competes in bouts.

The environment of roller derby is unique and doesn’t offer the same hostility as other contact sports even though the premise of the game is to block players from getting through, using your whole body. However, Stevens reminds us that the game is not played out of anger and the goal is never to hurt the other players.

Stevens also shares how she doesn’t see the “same rivalry in roller derby that there is in other sports. You’re both on different teams, you’re on different journeys, but you’re still both people, and you’re playing for your team. You’re congratulated at the end. You’re supported.”

Stevens believes that everyone is there to help out and make the experience a comforting and enjoyable one. The welcoming environment offers a sense of community for the players that you wouldn’t find in other contact sports. The ages range from 18 to players in their 50s, and the sport serves as a way to reconnect with one’s body.

Roller derby is a community made up of individuals who all started at the same place, and who understand the difficulty of joining a new venture. The only intimidation that comes with joining the roller derby community comes from the ideas that are built up in one’s mind. Roller derby allows people to try something new in an environment that supports them and encourages them to get back up after they fall.

SL 42

“MY LIFE IS JUST A BIG EXPERIMENT AND THE EARTH IS MY PLAYGROUND” MAYA ANGELA

resilience

EMBODYING

Releasing the chains of the past and springing towards the future

Story by Dajah Ray Photography by Madison Green Blurry yellow lights. Slippery black tile. Cheap bitter tequila. It all floods back to her so quickly.

Swollen feet tripping up the stairs to the dressing room. Wiping her tears in the mirror while reminiscing about her childhood back when things were much simpler and more effortless.

“Dry your tears, make that money, and leave” the House Mother would tell her. That sounded simple too. Or so she thought.

Vivid memories come to Maya Angela’s mind when revisiting her stripping experience – what she says was “rock bottom.” The rest seems to be vague and clouded, but some memories stick to the back of her mind — forever engraved.

The mind tends to cloud an individual’s memory when there is significant trauma involved.

People find themselves completely forgetting pivotal chunks of their lives due to tremendous amounts of stress. Others remember events perfectly clear but decide to reframe it in a more optimistic lens in order to learn and move past it. According to Dr. Eric Marx, a psychology professor at Stephens College, “our cognitions can develop and evolve over time based on our ability to go back and rewrite that story—and that’s resilience.”

Angela explains how she has consciously altered her perception and rewrote her story to one that now gives her peace of mind. It took her years of practice, though; she says she has harnessed the ability to shift her perspective of the world. She views her life as a big “experiment” and the Earth as her “playground.” Despite all the circumstances, past and present, she says she is living her dreams as an aspiring mental health therapist and YouTuber.

Frequent verbal abuse and emotional detachment were, and still are, prominent in Angela’s relationship with her family. Angela says that she didn’t feel supported in her home because some family members, especially her father, tried to humiliate her and are committed to misunderstanding her. Angela considers she was an intuitive child and knew at a young age that her life would involve helping others. She enjoyed expressing her empathy for others and assisting them in the process of learning from their life experiences. At 18 years old, Angela packed her things and began looking for a fresh start, moving away from everything she knew.

Five hours from her home in Peoria, IL, she decided to plant a new seed in Columbia, MO, where her boyfriend lived. Pressured by the expectations of society, Angela decided to enroll in college. She had pure intentions and was ready to take on the challenge, but she quickly found out that college wasn’t what she expected and that it wasn’t meant for her, at the time, anyway.

“I suddenly realized everyone had the choice but was unaware of it. I had to be bold and make that decision on my own to drop out. What I thought I wanted, I didn’t anymore. It was a scary and lonely choice, but I’m always happy I did it,” she says.

In need of support and a home, Angela began looking for a job. She has always enjoyed making money and dancing for fun; “Why not give combining them a shot?,” she recalls thinking. She decided to willingly and unapologetically pursue stripping.

Angela explains that what started as an invigorating activity that allowed her to identify with her feminine side and strengthen her body, turned into a chore that was draining her mental, emotional, and physical health. Angela found herself suppressing her emotions just to continue with the job and get her paycheck, “I would drink an entire bottle of alcohol to myself almost every shift, just to get through it.” Having to frequently wear a mask of manipulation and fill

SL 43

Blurry past, clear present:

SL Angela 44 Maya talks about her past but focuses on how resilience helped overcome obstacles and achieve a bright present.

SL 45 an empty space of confidence and love with alcohol and drugs, Angela says she found herself transforming into someone she didn’t recognize, and gradually became addicted to unhealthy behaviors and substances. After nearly overdosing and getting fired because she was too intoxicated to perform, Angela realized the physical and mental toll her job was taking on her and decided to remove herself from that lifestyle entirely.

Looking back, Angela explains that her naive and immature mindset and the intentions she had behind pursuing that industry were what steered her down that very slippery slope.

“Your intentions and perspective are everything,” Angela says.

She was simply looking for a way to make quick money, but didn’t consider the potential consequences that her job might bring her.

“So, if you’re going to go into anything, just make sure your intentions and perspective are clear about it before you cause yourself some emotional turmoil,” she says.

Young and eager, Angela began a new job search, trying to find what could best fulfill her. An online food ordering service gave Angela the time to educate herself, and the income she needed to live on her own. Since she turned 22, Angela has been delivering food to hungry customers, while educating herself via podcasts and YouTube videos in her car. Angela learned about topics such as finding one’s life purpose, getting in touch with one’s spirituality, and strengthening one’s mental health. She says this self-teaching experiences introduced her to a part of herself she hadn’t met yet.

Over the course of five years and counting, Angela has been documenting her experiences and lessons through journaling and video recording. She shares her story with anyone willing to listen.

Angela understands that everyone struggles with their own trials, tribulations, and mistakes. She says she doesn’t feel sorry for herself or her past, nor does she want others to; she simply wants to help people by sharing how she handles her challenging situations and maintains her peace.

Angela says she is grateful for all of her experiences, because she knows that she wouldn’t be where she is today without them.

She believes that all the situations life throws at her will simply end up helping her, “the universe works in mysterious ways, but

“My life is just a big experiment and Earth is my playground.”

I do believe it’s always in my favor,” she says.

When comparing her previous sentimental relationship during her “rock bottom” to the relationship she and her significant other have now, she says she is much more aware and considerate of his feelings and she holds herself accountable for her words and actions. Without the lessons she learned from her previous relationships, Angela says she would not have been able to manifest and maintain the great relationships she has today. Because she is so in tune with her resilience, she says she can easily perceive these situations as opportunities to better herself. For that reason, Angela is a fine example of what it means when a person embodies resilience.

“A college drop-out stripper: that’s what I was...”

Although everyone’s definition of resilience can vary according to their life experiences, Dr. Marx shares a universal definition of resilience as,“the ability to take challenging situations and reframe them in a way that a lesson can be learned.” This is done in the hope that we will be prepared with a better response when a similar situation arises. With every situation in life, we can learn something and improve ourselves. Whether or not we realize that depends on both our level of self-awareness and our ability to practice resilience.

According to Dr. Marx, to have and maintain resilience is a “cognitive skill,” meaning that with consistency and persistence, our resilience can become stronger and flourish over time. This also means that in the event of an absence of consistency and persistence, our resilience can become weak and even be lost.

Essentially, we can gain the skill of resilience just as fast as we can lose it.

“It’s not like becoming a mathematician or learning physics.

This is a cognitive skill, a practical skill that is quite ordinary in the world–not that it’s not marvelous–it’s just not extraordinary. Most of us have the capacity to engage and learn this skill,” Dr. Marx explains.

Though, as he suggests, anyone is capable of developing resilience, it can be more challenging to learn for some folks than others, depending on their state of mind. Our self-esteem and perceptions are deeply influenced by our circumstances, such as family dynamic, socioeconomic status, social circle, the list goes on.

However, Dr. Marx says an individual’s life circumstances aren’t completely determinative of their perception and selfesteem. Angela, for example, could have easily been labeled a “college drop-out” or “just a stripper,” and attached to those descriptions, but whether or not we attach to our past, or to certain labels, is our choice. Past circumstances contribute to the present, but at the end of the day Dr. Marx says that anyone is capable of learning anything and turning their life around.

The ability to shift our perception, or practice resilience, is “a skill that can be learned,” he says.

If our lives were perfect, there would be no room for growth, knowledge, or prosperity. While bad times can be challenging, they help us put things into perspective and make good times easier to enjoy. Dr. Marx explains that, “reality is subjective at the end of the day, simply because in a very real sense, we can never escape ourselves and we can never escape the fact that one’s reality, or the way they’re interpreting the world, is always a matter of what’s going on in their minds”.

We must take matters into our own hands by creating the world we want to live in, and by being the change we wish to see. It’s challenging, but anything worthwhile on this imperfect Earth will demand effort and persistence. It’s important to have a routine in place that can assist in the manifestation of the life you want.

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FEEDING THE LEADERS OF TOMORROW

Here are a few mantras to remind yourself of when days aren’t looking good and your resilience needs a boost. Listen up and buckle down:

Release the need for external validation The constant need for approval is toxic to our self-trust and confidence, both of which are essential to gain control of our perspective.

Change is the only constant Growth only occurs when we strive to evolve. We are only able to evolve when opportunity arises. Opportunity only arises when there is change. Change can be a positive thing, if you let it.

What can I do right now?

VISIT US

28 S 9th Street Downtown Columbia www.main-squeeze.com mainsqueezecolumbiamo Main Squeeze Natural Foods Cafe

Ask yourself this when you are feeling helpless. We have control over our actions in the present moment. What happened five minutes, months, or years ago is not going to change, it’s already history. But we have this moment right now to decide how we’ll move on from the last. That decision is what determines our future.

Angela believes that the purpose of life is to learn and grow as we go. If there is no challenge, no test, no mud in the road, then there is no growth. The only thing preventing us from improving ourselves is ourselves and our perception of the world. It is all too easy to become a prisoner of the past, therefore, it is important to focus on the now. After all, it’s the only thing that is controllable and certain.

“The more you are focused on time –past and future– the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.”

–Eckhart Tolle

Embracing change:

Model Jessica Gayo takes a deep breath as she lifts her arms towards the sky.

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Story by Bri Mays Photography by Aurola Wedman Alfaro

We have all watched the scene in movies when the parents have a dreadful conversation with their daughter about sex.

On screen, it is always portrayed as this mortifying moment in a young girl’s life known as “the talk.” I thought about my own experience with having the talk with my mom and how it wasn’t much of a conversation but a warning. So, I set out to have my own talk with five women around campus: Courtney Elliott, Kaite Ritchie, Afifa and Farëna Saburi, and Corinne Bobrow-Williams. This talk, however, will cover more ground than just sex. We get into personal experiences, gender norms, body positivity, and female empowerment.

No one ever told me becoming a woman felt like someone was blending my insides to create a bloody mess exiting my vagina constantly for seven days (not to mention the backaches). At eleven years old I thought I officially reached true womanhood. I remember being in pain the entire night. My stomach just kept aching. I finally went to the bathroom and was shocked by blood-soaked panties. I remember being so happy. I was finally able to talk about getting my period with the other girls at recess.

I would no longer be left out. But most importantly, I was a woman.

Becoming a woman meant dreadfully having the talk. In movies they make it seem so horrific, but for me, it was very cut and dry. Honestly, I don’t think it should even be considered as the talk. My mom said, “Well, you’re technically a woman now.”

I was desperately trying to hide my enthusiasm, but it didn’t go unnoticed. “You seem like you’re happy.” I didn’t say anything, but my enthusiasm shrank because the tone of my mom’s voice made it seem like I shouldn’t be enthused at all. She went on to say “This means you can get pregnant now.” And that was it.

There was no sit-down, no talk of the birds and the bees.

Just a very subtle, yet aggressive way of telling me to keep my legs closed. As a consequence of not having a

thorough talk, I didn’t know what sex was supposed to be like. I was never told that sex should always be consensual or even what consent looks like. I was never told that I shouldn’t feel pressure to manipulate my body with sharp blades and hot wax just to make my partner feel more at home with me. Nor was I told that I should not feel obligated to fake it to make my partner happy while my own pleasures have gone undiscovered.

I was never told that I should always feel comfortable in my skin. I was never told to feel empowered to be a lady.

Instead, I was taught how to cross my legs like a lady.

How to bend down to pick up a pencil like a lady. How to speak like a lady. How to act like a lady. But, I don’t blame my mom, she just handed down what was fed to her.

Over time, I realized not many people truly feel comfortable discussing their newly found sexuality with their parents. But why is that? Why do we feel so uncomfortable talking about sex? Why is it such a taboo thing to do when it is just human nature? I pondered on that for a while.

After reflecting back to my own experiences with the talk I wanted to create a safe space for young women who still need to hear the talk through real stories from women their age. What better way to do that then through what every woman needs from time to time—good ole’ girl talk.

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What Talk I spoke with five women from various backgrounds, and there was one thing we all had in common—we never received the talk.

Did you have the talk with your family?

KAITE: I don’t think so. I think because I was gay, maybe. I didn’t realize I was gay until college—I thought I was bi. But, I wonder if that was a part of it because they weren’t as worried about me getting pregnant, and I think that’s what drives a lot of these conversations. Parents being like ‘you’re having sex now and I don’t want you to have a baby. Here’s what you do.’ I think in the future, I want to be open with my kids. Like come talk to me if you have questions, I want them to feel really comfortable with that. So, I guess I need to get caught up on straight sex—I guess I can do that.

FARËNA: No. Hell no—nothing! We have never even talked about girlfriends or boyfriends. They know about it, but they don’t want to talk about it because if they talk about it they have to deal with it and it makes it too real. In Tajikistan, you do not do that. You do not talk to your parents about sex until you’re like married or old as hell. But, by that point, it doesn’t really matter anymore.

COURTNEY: No, and part of the reason I think we didn’t have the talk, was because I think they thought it was covered in school. But, I definitely did not get the whole idea of it. I would have liked it if my parents would have sat me down and talked about it. Then I would’ve gotten the more intimate side of sex, the connections, the repercussions. I think I would have gotten a different aspect of the talk from my parents.

“They know about it, but they don’t want to talk about it because if they talk about it they have to deal with it and it makes it too real.”

-F. Saburi

If you had the talk, what would you want to be covered?

COURTNEY: Even though I was pretty young when I was learning about sex, the topics were too soft for my liking. I wanted to know more outside the specified health portion of the talk (which is very important don’t get me wrong), but coming from my parents and teachers I wish that I was able to feel comfortable asking questions or exploring and understanding what sexuality really is. That goes as far as learning about your partner’s pleasures and body parts, exploring your own, and self-worthiness and awareness. Since it is not normalized I feel like I have to shy away from talking about sex with any crowd I’m in whether that be friends, my family, or whoever.

Courtney Elliott is a sophomore fashion communication major at Stephens College. Elliott considers herself a womanist.

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The birds & the bees Sex is a conversation many people shy away from. It is especially a topic your parents will try to avoid discussing with you. So, we grow up treating intimacy like a taboo. Then, whenever it is discussed, it is always about making sure we, as women know how to please our male counterpart while neglecting our own destinations of pleasure.

Do you ever feel like you have to fake it?

KAITE: For sure! All the time—well I can’t really say I do anymore. I think that’s one thing with girls. I always felt like if anything I was only doing it to make my partner happy. But sometimes I would be like ‘I just want this to be over with.’ Sometimes, I like my partner thinking they did a good job.

FARËNA: Fake it? No. If I don’t like it you will know, and you will get over it.

Do you think your partner actually knows the female body and how to pleasure it?

KAITE: My past partners that were male, no not at all. I think women who are dating men have a lot more trouble with that. With lesbians, I feel comfortable guiding them.

COURTNEY: I definitely think so. My first climax was from my current boyfriend, and that’s because he was willing to learn. When you have sex, it is not all about the guy. You have to please yourself as well. Some men are just not patient at all.

I think the closest a lot of us get to having the Talk is in Sex Ed class. What was covered in the course at your school?

KAITE: I didn’t take one in high school, I took one online. I remember talking about healthy relationships. But, I don’t think they should let you take an online version because you should be forced to have these discussions with other people. I know a lot of cases where girls have been raped and their partner doesn’t know that they raped them because they don’t know what that looks like. A girl not saying yes, or you having to convince her can be considered rape. I think that is something that has to be talked about in school because that’s the start of stopping rape.

COURTNEY: It mostly covered prevention and protection. I had my first class in fifth grade. It was more so of the Mean Girls clip, like ‘if you have sex, you’re going to get pregnant and die.’ It was the most basic approach.

But, I feel like with sex there are other factors that you have to deal with and they didn’t cover it at all. I feel like when you first go into it, you have high expectations, and you’re trying to be safe, but there are things they never mention. Condoms, for example, I can’t use certain condoms because I am allergic to them, but they never covered that. It was always, ‘use these Magnums, it’ll prevent pregnancies and disease.’ I think they should teach alternative options for those people who can’t use certain things.

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I SAID NO No means no. Stop means stop. The length of my skirt does not grant you permission to feel your way to my hidden treasure. And I’m not easily persuaded so please don’t lower your voice and whisper in my ear to try to get me unclothed.

Have you ever experienced an incident when someone did something without your consent?

KAITE: I always struggled with calling it rape, because even to this day, I hold contact with them. I was with them for two years from age 15 to 17, so, they were a big part of my life. But, they woke me up in the middle of the night when it happened. I said no, and they didn’t stop. They held me down and I tried to kick them off but that didn’t help. I said no, and they said ‘Kaite yes!’

I remember that weirded me out a lot because that’s like what you do to your dog. Whenever you’re like no, and they keep on doing something and you’re like “Max no!” Eventually, they did stop. I remember rolling over in my blanket against the wall and feeling like what the hell just happened. The thing is, they weren’t an aggressive person. I couldn’t have imagined they would have done that.

What happened afterwards?

KAITE: After we broke up I wished I would’ve done more about that. I ran into them downtown recently and we talked for a little bit. At one point they said ‘I feel like I fucked you up, relationship wise.’ I think that was their way of apologizing.

But I was like ‘What? No, fuck you! You can’t fuck me up, I’m stronger than you.’ That was the only time I’ve ever been raped.

COURTNEY: I was out over the weekend, and this guy kept touching me. I was so annoyed.

After a while, my friends and I just moved away to try to avoid him. Then he kept coming up to me. He took his thumb and tried to put it in my private area, and I was wearing a skirt. He would not stop. I had to contact security, and of course, the security guard thought we were lying because the guy is ‘a regular’. The security guard is the opposite race. And you know how those sorts of situations don’t get taken as seriously with us black girls. Later, I found out that the guy who was harassing me is known for doing that and has been reported and addressed by multiple girls.

Was the situation ever handled?

COURTNEY: That night, I did do a police report and nothing came about it because they thought I was lying. During the police report, I felt like I was being treated like the person who did the harassing. But, I feel like we have seen this multiple times when it comes to black women who experience sexual abuse or harassment. We are not respected or protected, black girls just don’t get that. It sounds harsh to say, but society really hates black women.

“A girl not saying yes, or you having to convince her can be considered rape.”

-Ritchie

AFIFA: I was maybe in third grade back home, in Tajikistan. For me to get to school, it was about a 45-minute ride on a bus. Public transportation is the way you go back home. So I get on this bus and there was this grown man who was standing and I was standing in front of him because the bus was crowded. And he rubbed himself on me. For the whole 45 minutes and I could not say a word because I was scared. And I couldn’t tell anybody.

Later, did you ever tell anyone?

I didn’t until about three years later. The one person I told to was a woman, and she said ‘yeah that’s what we have to deal with because you’re a woman. So you cannot go around telling people because really it’s your fault because your skirt was too short or too tight. Maybe you stood in the wrong place, you shouldn’t have stood that way.’

So, just because I was a girl I was supposed to stay quiet about something that was so inhumanely wrong. They put the fear in you that it’s your fault no matter what goes wrong it’s never a guy’s fault.

It happens all the time and you’re supposed to shut up about it.

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Act Like A Lady Most women at some point in their childhood have been told to “act like a lady”. As a result of being told to be more ladylike for a great chunk of my adolescence, I unconsciously cross my legs whenever my butt hits the surface of a chair. Don’t get me wrong, being a lady is awesome, but when you tell me to do something like a lady as a form of insult or as a diss, that’s when there is a problem. I can easily turn my heels into sneakers.

Growing up did you feel pressure to conform to gender roles?

FARËNA Growing up I was branded a tomboy in my family, and I think that’s because my parents wanted a boy at one point, but they got three girls. So, it was fun for them to see me grow up doing boyish stuff, but I started growing boobs and such. Then, it was expected of me to change everything. Even though I was accepted the way I was, all of a sudden it became inappropriate, just because I obviously started to look more like a girl. Literally, everything changed when I started growing boobs, I even remember the dress I was wearing. My boobs kind of showed through because it was a bit see-through, my parents were like ‘omg you need to wear a bra’ and I was just like oh shit.

“Literally everything changed when I started growing boobs.”

-F. Saburi

AFIFA: I did. So the way I grew up was not the way I am right now, back home gender norms are completely different than they are here. I was back home probably for the most part consistently until I was about 12 years old. It wasn’t necessarily that I was taught gender norms. I grew up with them. So I thought everything was normal, right? Like you never question your father. You don’t question a male figure and it is what it is, you know, and to me that was fine. I never saw anything wrong with it. Because that’s what everybody did. You were told something you just do it you don’t question it. A woman’s place

was basically you cook, you take care of children, a lot of girls back home, strive for marriage. That is it. That’s their end goal.

So that’s kind of what I grew up with. And my family wasn’t to that extent. But that’s all I was around. So your parents can tell you one thing, but if that’s all you’re around, you kind of conform to it. So I grew up with a lot of gender norms. Even when I come here there are still gender norms, they’re just not extreme.

Do you think your childhood had an effect on how you identify today? If so, how?

AFIFA: Yes, a lot. I did a lot of back and forth coming here, going back home, a lot of it I did it during my teenage years. So it was a sensitive time for me and it caused a lot of frustration and then it was basically I had to pick a side. Every single time there’s a question that I have to really face regarding, is it okay to do this just because I’m a woman, I always think back to when I was a little girl and how naive I was, and just my mindset. Because things that you put in a child’s mind from the time they’re a little, it’s really hard to erase. So always thinking back to that helps you make decisions today.

How do you feel when someone tells you to “act like a lady,” or “be more ladylike”?

AFIFA: It just pisses me off. I fight my mom on this too. My mom grew up back home [in Tajikistan]. And based on what it’s like back home, it’s not her fault. It’s really hard to be a certain way for 40 years+ and then have your daughter tell you that everything you believed in is not ok. She’s actually come a long way. A lot of things that I do, people ask me why am I trying to act like a boy. And I am not, I am just being myself.

Ever since I was little if something would break, I would try to fix it and they would say, ‘no go tell your dad to fix it’. And I was like why can’t I fix it. Me and my sisters have this rule, that if the container is too hard to open, we will struggle for hours to open it, but we will open that damn container. We will not give it to a guy to open.

Farëna Saburi (top) is 21 years old. She is a painting and drawing major at Columbia College. Afifa 55 Saburi (bottom) is 24 years old and isSLfinishing her masters at Columbia College in international business. The Saburi sisters were 15 and 8 years old when they moved to the U.S. from their native country, Tajikistan.

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Corinne Bobrow-Williams is an advocate for body positivity. She is a 21 year-old apparel studies major at Stephens College.

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Real Bodies, Real Love Loving yourself and your body in its entirety feels like an overcomplicated math problem at times. It used to be the only bodies you saw were in movies and magazines. Now, just five minutes on Instagram and you’re reminded that you’re either too curvy or too thin. Women today are depicting their bodies more than ever.

How has your art affected the way you see yourself and your body?

FARËNA: I paint nudes all of the time so I get to see all types of bodies. I have become so aware of them that if you were to ask me my body type, I would say normal. They kind of start to look the same to me. We get models and these models are of all shapes. Some of them have more fat on them, and some are very petite. But then Instagram is a fucking lie. You get on there and there are women with teeny-tiny waists and big ass curves. Everybody wants it, but it doesn’t seem possible. I realized it’s all angles and the best picture ever that they’ve taken. But then with art, I get to separate the real from the fake.

How do you think people react to different body types?

CORINNE: It’s kind of crazy. Even if a woman is really skinny, she gets bashed for that. Almost as much as a bigger woman being big, or even a woman that’s trying to eat healthily, who’s still is a bigger size. You can be healthy and still be big. I feel like that’s the real issue today. It’s like, they try to say everything’s obesity, but it’s not always. Somebody can be healthy and still be a bigger size. So I feel like it’s really about the person and what they think about themselves. As well as the insecurities behind body positivity, and self-love, and self-empowerment. It’s really about the person themselves reaching that level of self-love.

As a body positivity activist, how did you learn to love your curves?

CORINNE: I don’t really take anything that people told me about my body to offense. I learned to love my body a lot in college and throughout when I got older and now it’s like, I really express my body more than shame it. I just take my body for what it is and let the world say what they want. I love myself for who I am, and I feel like that is really important.

FARËNA: Well, I did at one point feel like I was getting a bulge around my tummy and I didn’t like it so I worked out. Then I realized after I dropped the whole working out thing (because I just hate working out) and I started eating whatever, that I started gaining weight, sort of in proportional ways. I got bigger thighs. I’m one of those people that I got excited when they saw stretch marks on their thighs. I’m not even kidding. I was so happy. So, whenever that started coming in, I was fine with it. Honestly, to gain better confidence, I say the biggest thing is like staying off social media.

What effect do you think social media has on the way women see themselves?

AFIFA: Because my sisters and I talk to each other all the time, it kind of helps us get to a level where we don’t allow things to get to us to that extent. So whenever I talk to some girls outside of my sisters or my friends, it’s crazy. It will be the youngest girls who really think they need to look a certain way. They’re twelve years old, and they want big boobs, a big butt, and a tiny waist. All these crazy things that are just not meant for a person to look like. Not at that age, especially. I just think it is sad. Because I mean, the way people look on social media—the way I look on social media, in my pictures, I don’t look like that all the time. That’s like two seconds of what I look like when I’m trying to hold myself together to look good, you know, it’s just not real. And no matter how many times you tell people that they will not accept it, you know.

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Yeah I Am a feminist Times are changing. Women are no longer asking for permission, and we are giving the phrase like a girl new meaning.

What does female empowerment look like to you?

KAITE: Feeling completely comfortable in who you are based on your gender. Everything gendered about you, how you look, how you present yourself, your sexuality, all of those things. And realizing how much your gender really seeps into those things and feeling completely comfortable with that. And understanding how your gender fits into that. I think a lot of white girls will be like ‘yeah I am a feminist,’ but at the same time but at the same time will judge a black girl like ‘oh her hair,’ or ‘she looks this way’.

You can be a white feminist and still be really oppressive to black girls, queer girls, transgender girls, or whatever. If anything, women are going to play a huge role in empowering other women. More so than men.

COURTNEY: Female empowerment is respect for all kinds. We all come with different characteristics, body shapes, races, so you have to be accepting of all types of women. We all have to uplift each other. Female empowerment is setting the tone for the next generation. And empowering yourself, we are so quick to tear ourselves down.

FARËNA: Basically women just being comfortable in their skin, to be whoever they want.

How do you think others react to the idea of an empowered woman?

KAITE: I think a lot of it is how are men going to view you. I think a lot of girls think it’s not sexy or pleasing for them to be empowered. I think the problem is they are worried about how men are going to view that more than how women are going to view it.

COURTNEY: Honestly, I think people get intimidated. They would rather say we are bitchy or dramatic. In a society where all of these men are telling us ‘no’ or that we’re liars, we need, female empowerment, and it’s so crucial.

Kaite Ritchie is an 18 year-old psychology major at Stephens College. She is from Lexington, Mo, but relocated to Columbia when she was 12.

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The Hardest Job you’ll eveR Love

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A Look Into The Foster System Story by Jules N. Graebner Photography by Jules N. Graebner + Aurola Wedman Alfaro

T

here’s no place like home. It’s where your heart is— full of memories, the items you value, and most importantly, your family.

However, ‘home’ can be an uncertain place for kids growing up in the foster care system.

“When a lot of people think about foster children they assume they are rough kids or troublemakers,” says Jen Gentle, who worked as a Court-Appointed Special Advocate (CASA) in Nebraska for many years.

Armed with only a few trash bags containing their belongings, children are thrust into the hard reality of the foster care system. They are taken from their families, often from dangerous and unsafe circumstances, and placed into foster homes.

CASAs are volunteers who are specially trained to advocate for children who have been removed from their homes due to abuse or neglect. They visit their assigned foster children every week and write reports to the court to provide details about all aspects of the children’s lives.

Last year, there were 437,465 children placed into foster homes, a number that has been on the rise since 2012. On average, only about a fourth of these kids are actually eligible for adoption.

Many foster children are doomed to stay in the foster system until they turn 18, or ‘age out’.

People who have aged out of the foster system are overrepresented in crime, drug addiction, and incarceration rates, likely due to the fact that foster children can bounce between anywhere from 3 to 24 foster homes. This never-ending cycle of uprooting is a trauma that’s hard to recover from.

“They’re just kids,” Jen went on, “Many of them have limited or no experience with people who love them but would never neglect or hurt them.

It is very hard for them to trust anyone.”

“It’s incredibly embarrassing, awkward, lonely, hurtful, especially for a kid,” said Jennifer Reyes, a Miami native who aged out of the foster system.

She remembers being treated like a criminal, simply for being a foster kid, saying “They act as if you are not to be trusted. If you make a normal childhood mistake or tell a white lie it becomes a cardinal sin.”

“Having my foster sister in our house changed everything,” Katarina Allen lived with a foster sister for three years, and describes that it wasn’t just difficult for her foster sister, but for her, too.

For many, it’s easy to look at the statistics and slap negative stereotypes onto the kids who make up the numbers, but it’s not their fault.

She describes working as a CASA, saying that some things stick with them in a good way, like a child’s life being turned around, a neglected or abused child that finds a loving parent, or foster children who grow up to be positive parents themselves. Other things haunt them, the worst of all being any time a CASA feels they have failed to keep a child safe.

She wasn’t used to having a sister around and became jealous of her getting attention.

“I started to think that she looked more like my mother than I did,” Allen said, thinking any time the family was out in public, people would mistake her for the foster daughter.

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The fear of creating discord between biological and foster children can prevent families from considering fostering. However, Sharon Marohl and her husband fostered a plethora of teenage girls, all while raising two of their own.

“My children had to learn to share,” Marohl laughs, as her daughters are nine years apart, so they both grew up as if they were only children.

She always felt a calling to foster children, and often her home was filled with girls that had been turned away from other homes for being difficult.

“At one point in my life, I was a hard kid.

Thankfully I had a family that stuck by me and rode it out, but I’ve always had a passion to help those that struggle and I’d never believed that things are irretrievably broken,” she says.

Sharon can’t remember how many girls her family fostered, but says the most she had at one time in her home was seven.

Despite this, her family never ended up adopting, saying, “We mostly had teenage girls, and most teenage girls reach a point in their lives where they’ve given up dreaming about the fairy tale.

[Adopting] was just not something they wanted to talk about anymore.”

Jennifer Reyes, who had been a teenage girl in the foster system herself, echoes this sentiment.

“It is like a thought in the back of your head where you know this isn’t your family. These people don’t love you and one false move will have you packing in a minute. Sometimes you come across a family that will make you feel almost like family. That nag will ease and you get comfy and make good memories. But something will happen. Something always does,” says Reyes.

All of the interviewees urged families to give fostering kids a chance. Jen Gentle said, “The right intervention at the right time can change the course of their lives. Be patient, and be kind.

Regardless of how badly they suffered there, almost all of them would give anything just to be able to go home.”

“They’re selfish,” Marohl said when asked why she thinks people are reticent to open their homes to foster children.

“Some of the foster kids with the longest lists of issues are some of the kindest, most grateful, most compassionate people. I remember one of the girls that stayed with us needed tennis shoes, she had one old ratty pair. After 3 months, I finally convinced her to go shopping with me and I bought her a brand new pair.

That afternoon I got a call that we were getting in another girl. The new girl had only one pair of shoes— sandals. When it was time for us to go out to our barn and do chores— everyone has to wear covered footwear in the barn, the girl goes “I have a pair you can borrow!” I expected her to offer up her old, ratty tennis shoes, but she comes out with the new pair of tennis shoes that she hadn’t even worn once. That kind generosity is not something you see every day.”

“Of all the jobs I’ve ever had it’s the one I loved the most,” Sharon said about being a foster mom, “It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but the most rewarding. You can be bone-tired and just fall into bed but still feel like you’ve made a difference in someone’s life.”

If you’re interested in fostering, visit the Missouri Department of Child Services.

Additionally, you can donate to Together We Rise, an organization determined to improving the lives of foster kids around the country.

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issue credits

Forever Yours Story: Hannah Kueck Photography: Hannah Kueck+Aurola Wedman Alfaro Layout: Hannah Kueck Roses: My Secret Garden Being a Fat Girl Story: Meca Brown-Sanders Photography: Anna Tripolitis Layout: Meca Brown-Sanders Assistant: Leigh Ann Barnett Models: Karli Mehrle + Tiana Williams Makeup: Shakiya Lyons Aviatrix Photography: Aurola Wedman Alfaro + William Viquez Mora Layout: Aurola Wedman Alfaro Models: Leigh Ann Barnett, Catherine Banez + Anadelia Medina Makeup: Jules N. Graebner Special thanks to Marie Nau and B.J. Hunter This is Our History Story: Christina Scott Photography: Christina Scott Layout: Christina Scott + Christina Parker Model: Phoenix Bussey Derby Days Story: Michelle Morris Photography: Christine Pham Model: Leigh Ann Barnett Layout: Michelle Morris + Aurola Wedman Alfaro

I Wish I Wish Story: Leigh Ann Barnett Illustrations: Leigh Ann Barnett Layout: Leigh Ann Barnett Songs: When Will My Life Begin by Alan Menken + Glenn Slater A Dream Is a Wish Your Heart Makes by Mack David, Jerry Livingston + Al Hoffman Almost There by Randy Newman How Far I’ll Go by Lin-Manuel Miranda Go The Distance by Alan Menken + David Zippel Embodying Resilience Story + Creative Direction: Dajah Ray Photography: Madison Green Clothing: Maude Vintage Clothing Layout: Dajah Ray Model: Maya Angela + Jessica Gayo Girl Talk Uninterrupted Story: Bri Mays Photography: Aurola Wedman Alfaro Layout: Bri Mays Models: Courtney Elliott, Kaite Ritchie, Farëna Saburi, Afifa Saburi, Corinne Bobrow-Williams Makeup: Jerianna Harden The Hardest Job You’ll Ever Love Story: Jules N. Graebner Photography: Jules N. Graebner + Aurola Wedman Alfaro Layout: Aurola Wedman Alfaro

Orba Story: Madison Green Photography: Madison Green Layout: Madison Green Models: Simone Gregory + Kayla Meyers

S t e p h e n s Life / SPRIN G 2019 / Issue N o. 14

MAY

JUNE

KAIT ARNDT MARK ENGLISH JEFFREY LEDER CODY McCLOUTH BRENDA STUMPF

DEAN DABLOW STEPHEN GAMMELL RICHARD W JAMES JOEL SAGER SIMON TATUM

S A G ER B R A U DISGA LL ERY. C OM

JULY

AUGUST

SMALL WORKS

BY REPRESENTED ARTISTS

1 1 A M - 6 P M , T UE SDAY - SATUR DAY

JENNIFER BELAIR JOSH GEORGE LITA KENYON ELISE KIRK KENSUKE YAMADA

1 0 2 5 E WALNUT ST – CO LUMBIA, MO 65201

pura vida [poo-rah-vee-dah] (phr.)

“Pure life”, Costa Rican term for a lifestyle that embraces peace, simplicity and appreciation for the small joys in life.

It is used to say hello, good bye and everything is well.