The Big Book of Doctor Who

The following is a fan-made publication not endorsed or in anyway associated with the BBC. Doctor Who, The Doctor Who logo, TARDIS, Daleks and Cybermen and K9 are all registered trademarks of the BBC and no copyright infringement is intended.

This book is loosely based on “The Big Book of Top Gear”.

THE CONTENTS OF THIS BOOK ARE NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY AND DO NOT TIE INTO ANY DOCTOR WHO STORYLINES. FOR COMEDY/ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. For more, mostly Doctor Who stuff visit: www.issuu.com/StephenDavidHenderson or by scanning the QR Code:

Also follow me on Twitter: @GammaMonkey

And at www.youtube.com/StephenDHenderson

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Contents

“What are you doing here?”

“Hello, I'm the Doctor!”

“Tell me the Whole Plan!”

“Geronimo!”

“Allons-y!”

“Fantastic!”

“Doctor, Where/When are we?”

“TARDIS...Time And Relative Dimensions In Space” “It's bigger on the inside!”

“Exterminate” “Delete” “Affirmative” “I wear a ____ now , ____ are cool.”

“Doctor... Doctor Who?

UOD

UNIVERSITY OF GALLIFREY

REPORT CARD The Doctor Rassilon House

PUPIL NAME: CLASS:

RECREATIONAL MATHMATICS:Has

good understanding of Happy Primes but is often distracted by non-curricular maths such as the co-ordinated flight plans to the planet Earth.

ENGLISH: Chose

this optional course as according to him “the rest of the universe speaks English” a fact we have tried to prove to him otherwise on a number of occasions.

TARDIS PILOTING CLASS: Has

obsession of piloting to Sol 3 a primitive planet known as Earth. Also, attempts to fly alone despite persistently being told it is to be flown by 6 pilots.

Seems to enjoy this class, However seems to continuously build robotic dogs as affectionate presents for female classmates. Also built splendid Sonic Screwdriver.

MECHANICS:

BEHAVIOUR: Good

natured, Well meaning but often breaks time rules which causes more trouble than he is trying to prevent.

OTHER NOTES: A

pleasure to teach unlike his friend but he must learn to stop taking hitch-hikers to Gallifrey during TARDIS class.

SIGNED: Mr

Cho-Je

DATE: Relative

UOD

UNIVERSITY OF GALLIFREY

REPORT CARD The Master Rassilon House

PUPIL NAME: CLASS:

Enjoys this class, however does not seem to grasp the fact that this class is NOT instructions on how to conquer a planet. It would seem that his mind wanders slightly.

RECREATIONAL MATHMATICS:

PLANET CONQUERING: Chose

this optional self study course listing it as one of his interests. He and his classmate, Rani, seem to get on well planning together.

Brilliant piloting ability, however like his classmate The Doctor seems to insist on piloting solo.

TARDIS PILOTING CLASS:

His Sonic Screwdriver assignment was failed for being “deadly” and “lasery”.

MECHANICS:

BEHAVIOUR: Can

be very nasty to class mates. Also foreign exchange students have complained that he regularly comments “I will conquer your planet one day!” This must stop or he will face expulsion.

Seems to be very interested in conquering whole planets and even galaxies. His plans for world domination were well written, yet slightly evil.

OTHER NOTES:

SIGNED: Mr

Cho-Je

DATE: Relative

OKDOKAY!

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MARK 40 OWNERS MANUAL Contents 1) First Time Set-Up 2) Piloting Instructions 3) Caring for your Mark 40 4) Warranty Agreement Appendix: Repairing your Chameleon Circuit

Doctor, I found the manual, but the last section is missing and think it was the bit you were looking for.

The Doctor's

Not To Scale

United Kingdom Where I Thought Croydon was

Torchwood House To Gl rch as wo go od w

Where I Met Zygons

Quarry, Wales Quarry, Wales Quarry, Wales

Fake London,Wales

Sarah Jane's house, Ealing

Bad Wolf Bay Torchwood Cardiff

London Rose's House

Torchwood HQ, Canary Wharf

http://www.11facesbook.com/

Mr Copper's

universe OF FACTS We already know he knows nothing about Earthonomics, but what other nuggets of information does he have?

Davros denies claims that his middle name is Jim. The Doctor was the uncredited founder of Wikipedia.

The TARDIS's sauna room was accidentally broken by a fight that broke out between the feuding members of ABBA. Why they were in the TARDIS is unclear as the Doctor did not invite them.

It is surprising how many planets look like Welsh quarries.

My Chemical Romance singer, Gerard Way, is the current owner of the Key to Time.

During 1999 the Doctor was played by Danny Dyer in a one-off special TV movie. Thankfully, all copies of this were destroyed before broadcast to save the viewing public from a fate worse than death.

Blon-Fel-Fotch Pasmeer-Day Slitheen was the first contestant to leave Raxicorricofallapatorious' version of The Biggest Loser.

And Davros would have got away with it, if it wasn't for those meddling kids!

For four years, Captain Jack Harkness was the host of the Venusian and Martian versions of “Deal or No Deal.�

Venusian

?

DEAL OR NO DEAL

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Broken Down?

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Visit: www.gac.ga Breakdown Cover from

GAC

Gallifrey Automobile Association

Spice Girls - Who Do You Think You Are? ● The Blizzards - Trust Me, I'm A Doctor ● Jessie J - Who's Laughing Now ● The Who - Who Are You ● Dr Dre ft. Eminem & Skylar Grey - I Need A Doctor ● Baha Men - Who let the Dogs Out ● Louis Armstrong - We Have All The Time in The World ● The Rocky Horror Picture Show - The Time Warp ● Ian Dury & The Blockheads – Hit Me With Your Rhythm Stick* ● David Bowie - Space Oddity ● Killers – Spaceman ● David Bowie - Star Man ● David Bowie – Heroes ● David Bowie - Life On Mars ● Bonnie Tyler - I Need A Hero ● Matt Cardle - Run for your Life ● 30 Seconds to Mars - Welcome to the Universe ● The Beatles - Across the Universe ● Queen - Princes of the Universe ● My Chemical Romance - Planetary (GO!) ● The Who - My (Re)Generation ●

* As featured in the episode “Tooth & Claw”

The Doctor's Songlist

that Prime m e e s ld u o w It not the first Minister w as aster job that the M we found n e h w , to d e li app . these letters..

greenearth Charitable Organisation 4 Broadly Street WEST HAMPENCHESTER WE2 2EZ

To The Master, We thank you for your recent letter enquiring about a position within the charity. Unfortunately, at this moment we cannot offer you anything. This is partly down to the fact that we believe that you have not quite grasped the ethics of this charity. This charity is here to try to save the environment and not “crush the minor races”, “enslave humanity” and “blow up the planet” which are some of many suggestions you provided in our letter. We believe acting upon these ideas could be potentially damaging to the company's image – not to mention the legal aspects.

We would appreciate if you do not attempt to contact us again.

Thank You

Imelda Chuffington Imelda Chuffington OBE CEO, GECO

Coldbury's Chocolate 9 West Street RED WESTERINGTON RW9 2ED

To The Master, We thank you for your recent letter enquiring about a position within the company. Unfortunately, you have been unsuccessful at meeting the criteria we require. We believe that it is against our policy to introduce an “hypnotic ingredient” to our products in order to “take control” of the people of this “worthless planet” as you suggested in your letter. We also believe this is against the law and could be potentially damaging to our reputation We would appreciate if you do not attempt to contact us again.

Thank You

Arriana McChumly-Smithington Arriana McChumly-Smithington CEO, Coldbury's

Glasgow Ambulance Service

Glasgow Ambulance Service Headquarters Glasgow GL3 9MZ

To The Master, It is with great regret that we inform you that you are being relived of your services as a medical technician. This follows a number of complaints being made about you. Most of these have come from doctors at the local hospital who seem to believe you hold hostility towards them. It is alleged that you often remarked “Doctors! You're all the same!” and many other variations.

We have no idea why you have such an aversion towards Doctors, but it has become clear that you cannot carry on at this establishment until your conduct improves.

Thank You for your three weeks of service,

Charles Utterthwaite Notherberry Thomson-Smythe Charles Utterthwaite Notherberry Thomson-Smythe Commander-In-Chief

MINISTRY OF BEARDS Delgado House NEW WESTFIELD TOWN NW10 9EE To The Master, We thank you for your recent letter enquiring about a position within the company. We thought that you would be a welcome addition to the team. This was based on the enclosed photograph you provided us with your application. However, when you turned up to the job interview, I am afraid your distinct lack of facial hair – and apparent overall younger appearance - did play against you and you have been unsuccessful in this attempt.

We would appreciate if you do not attempt to contact us again. Unless you have regrown your beard.

Thank You

Roger Beardington Roger Beardington Seceratary, Ministry of Beards

Unknown sonic scre FUNCTION #1 is ,obviously, opening doors – but what are the others?

FUNCTION #2

On this setting, the screwdriver can do, just that, screw in a screw. This function is unused since 1969.

FUNCTION #11 When pushed eleven times, the owner will begin to believe that “bow-ties are cool”

FUNCTION #101 When three sonic devices are held next to each other – it can lead to raising the dead. This is extremely inadvisable

FUNCTION #990

A broken down car can be restarted on this setting, when held next to the ignition.

FUNCTION #290

On this setting, the device can be used to cook an entire cooked breakfast.

FUNCTION #12b

The device, when engaged twice, will enable the “BLUE” setting which turns anything in the surroundings light blue.

ewdriver functions FUNCTION #890

Pushed twice will change any mobile phone ring-tone to “Friday� by Rebecca Black. Use of this function may result in five years imprisonment

FUNCTION #22

The mind reading setting can read the minds of any sentient being.

This function cannot be used on Daleks or Cybermen.

FUNCTION #48

Distress Beacon, this function does not work as who can the Doctor call to save him? He is the man who is always there for everyone.

FUNCTION #20 #20 is an optional add-on that can time eggs.

FUNCTION #67 #67 is an optional add-on that acts as a sat-nav. The Doctor does not have this add-on

FUNCTION #9 FUNCTION #43 This setting enables a wooden door to be opened. Do you think we should maybe mention it to the Doctor?

This setting turned K-9 into a hovering super-computer that was in no way bulky or cumbersome. This function was never used and K-9 remained they way we love him today.

High_Council @The_Doctor these are your options bit.ly/63921 The_Doctor @High_Council I've never seen such an incredulous bunch High_Council You are wasting time @The_Doctor, the decision will be made for you The_Doctor @High_Council I have the right to decide what I look like, it could be very important on the Earth High_Council @The_Doctor The time has come to change your appearance and begin your exile The_Doctor @High_Council Stop!! What are you doing? #you're_making_me_giddy!

MARYACTION WHITEHOUSE FIGURE Complete your collection with the Doctor's most famous adversary!!!

With phrases including “Ban this violence” “Clean Up Television” And “Exterminate!”

WARNING! Use of this toy may lead to Ofcom investigations

From FUNPOLICE Toys Inc. THIS PRODUCT IS NOT AVAILABLE IN ALL GOOD TOY STORES, JUST A FEW BAD ONES

What else did the Doctor get up to?

With Brigadier Sir Alasdair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart Ah, The Doctor, wonderful chaps – all of them. He gets up to some fun and games while he's on Earth.

However these recently discovered photographs reveal that there's a few tales he's yet to mention to us...

ZOOM

1st Injury Layer Solutions, Gallifrey

s

www.1ils.gal

Form No 324

When There's Blame ...

There's A Claim

The Doctor

Name: ________________________

700-ish UNIT Scientific Advisor Occupation:_____________________________ Metebelis 3 Location of Accident:______________________ Age:_______________________

Account of Accident:

Radiation Poisoning as a result of Queen Spider being nasty Affects of Accident:

Got lost in time vortex, eventually returned to UNIt where I died and regenerated. Grew black curly hair.

Teeth now larger, voice deeper, now prefer scarves The Doctor

Signed:________________

1st Injury Layer Solutions, Gallifrey

s

www.1ils.gal

Form No 425

When There's Blame ...

There's A Claim

The Doctor

Name: ________________________

700-ish Time Traveller Occupation:_____________________________ Earth Location of Accident:______________________ Age:_______________________

Account of Accident:

Fell (at differing speeds according to reaction of companions) from radio telescope as a result of the Master being nasty.

Affects of Accident:

Became very white and dusty, then very young and now look like a TV vet from “All Creatures Great & Small� also, have replaced Scarf with celery The Doctor

Signed:________________

Mr Copper's

universe OF FACTS We already know he knows nothing about Earthonomics, but what other nuggets of information does he have?

The Doctor's middle name is not Brian.

The Doctor does not like Marmite.

While working in Henrick's department store, Rose Tyler once served Jo Grant. She bought a dress and a belt.

Tom Baker was married to Lalla Ward (Romana II) who is now married to evolutionist Richard Dawkins... actually that is true!

Truth has no place on this page.

During the 90s the Master and the Doctor did up each other's TARDISes on the Gallifreyan version of Changing Rooms.

Skaro is the only planet in the universe without a Starbucks.

Amy Pond gained three stones in America... two were reddish-brown and one was white.

The Doctor was invited to the Royal Wedding but decided not to go after the controversy at Donna Noble's first wedding.

The TARDIS swimming pool was closed down due to a lack of life guards.

There is no Mr Kipling, the Doctor IS Mr Kipling The Daleks do not like curry!

The universe's most watched show is back. The Doctor tests second hand type 40s; The Doctor tries to fix a chameleon circuit, which is followed by a seemingly spontaneous fire and The Doctor reviews the new type 41which is then tested around the Kasterberous test track

by The Doctor. This week's star in a reasonably priced TARDIS is The Doctor.

GALLIFREY'S GOT Gallifrey's Got Talent is back... and this time it's bigger than ever. New judges Donna Noble and Captain Jack join The Doctor for this new series which sees such acts as the cruise ship waitress singing “I Should Be So Lucky�, the fabulous mind control of the Silence (better get your eye patch ready!) and the big blue man who lives with only his head... You don't want to miss this.

Afterwards you can push your red button where the fun continues with Gallifrey's Got More Talent.*

* Popular Spin-off shows may be cancelled at last minute.

BBC Who 7pm Doctor Who

In this episode, The Doctor saves the day

8pm Doctor Who

The Doctor saves yet another day

9pm Torchwood

Gallifreyan TV 7pm Doctor Who

In this classic episode, The Doctor with curly hair and a scarf saves the day. (1&2/4)

8pm Guess Who's Coming To Dinner

New reality show.

4 Timelords meet up for dinner without knowing which Who will be there.

Captain Jack dies and has some sexy time

10pm Torchwood

Captain Jack dies and has some sexy time, with aliens

11pm Top Tardis

The Doctor has to explain a seemingly spontaneous fire and the new Type 40 is tested on the test track

9pm Gallifrey's Got Talent

Talent Show (Press Red for Gallifrey's Got More Talent at 10pm) In the event that Gallifrey is somehow destroyed, this will be replaced with: 9pm Doctor Who Another large story arc bugs us until being revealed as the first likely conclusion we thought of.

Guest Starring Alex Kingston.

TONIGHT'S LOTTERY NUMBERS

5

9

7

6

3

0

THE dOCTOR'S

MOVIE & TV REVIEWS

BILL AND TED'S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE In a word: Plagarism

This movie isn't really my cup of tea. Who the hell wants to watch a story about a phone box that can travel in time? If Bill and Ted can't even regenerate, what's the point. 1/5

avatar In a word: Overrated I've been to Pandora – and this movie poorly portrays the people of that planet. The 3D effect is ironic considering that Pandora is actually one of three planets in the entire universe that only exists in 2D. Therefore, the 3D is pointless and adds nothing to the movie. 1/5

Back to the future In three words: Time Travelling Doctor I quite enjoyed this movie. A time travelling Doctor, and someone messing up their own time lines. What else do you need from a movie. However the movie is let down by the DeLorean's lack of blue wooden style design. 4/5

Doctor who: Chinese edit* In a word: Boring

Nothing happens. The rather handsome man in a blue suit gets into a blue box with a blonde shop assistant, then – Nothing. The TARDIS just sits there for 45 minutes with the occasional shot of the Doctor being arrested. Oh dear. 0/5 *The Chinese Government has banned all time travel from dramas, making Doctor Who a bit pointless.

They will never know how much they are missed...

Dedicated to Nicholas Courtney 1929-2011 And Elisabeth Sladen 1946-2011

“There's something you'd better understand about me, 'cause it's important and one day your life may depend on it.

I am definitely a madman in a book!�