Confessions of a Control Freak

I am a self-proclaimed control freak. I have taken over projects because I couldn’t bear watching someone else struggle through it. I have detailed spreadsheets with our vacation plans and won’t let my husband modify them. I routinely volunteer to ensure that things are done the way I would like them done. I like the control.

When I was an angsty teenager, my dad told me not to stress about things I couldn’t control. It was great advice. I mean, do you find yourself telling your friends, “I can’t believe the beltway speed limit is only 55 miles per hour, I mean, that’s ridiculous. Do you know how much time I spent today being stressed about getting back on the beltway tonight to go home knowing I can’t exceed 55 miles per hour?” No. Why? Because we can’t change or control the speed limit—you might stress about being late for something because you left your house later than expected and can’t drive 100 miles per hour—but that’s not the same. The speed limit is what it is and there’s nothing you can do about that. And you are likely smiling and nodding your head, but I am willing to bet that you are actually spending time stressing on items that you cannot control and I want you to stop doing that.

It’s a fairly simple process. Find some time for yourself with no distractions and grab some paper. Write down everything that is stressing you out. Everything. When I do this, it always turns into a stream of consciousness for me, punctuated by a few a-ha moments when I pinpoint a stressor perfectly.

After the brain dump, get another piece of paper and on one side, list all of the stressors that you can control/change (the “Control List”). On the other side, list the ones you can’t control (the “No Control List”). Be very honest with yourself—many times we perceive that

Confessions of a Control Freak there is something in our life that we can’t control, when in reality we can. This exercise alone may open your eyes to the fact that there are stressors in your life that you can control and that should alleviate some of your stress immediately. So, what’s on the No Control List? There may be some items on there like the health or safety of a loved one—items that you can’t control but which deserve your attention and concern. This is where the practical advice can be helpful, like getting enough sleep, exercising, etc, because you do need to protect your mental health under those circumstances. However, you should immediately stop stressing about everything else on the list. Are you stressed that a gift you ordered is back-ordered and won’t be here in time for the recipient’s birthday? Stop it. The recipient will appreciate the gift, regardless of the date they receive it. Are you worried about how a vote will come out at an election? Quit it. You can’t control what everyone is going to do and how they are going to vote, so stop using up your mental resources on it. You have a second list that deserves and needs your attention—the Control List. This list is a proverbial slap in the face telling you that there are things in your life that you can change for the better and that’s not going to be easy. You need all of your mental faculties to assist you in reviewing that list and changing stressors in your life— don’t give them to the No Control List. If a control freak can let go, so can you. Written by Ursula Burgess, Shareholder, Rees Broome, PC Uburgess@reesbroome.com

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