Stemme issue 6

where stud meets femme. a magazine for queers.

Issue 6 Jesse King / Ali Hannon / Annabel Pribelszki / Hizze Fletcher / UNITE UK / Beth Watson / Jules Haydon Guaitamacchi / Samo White

cover illustration by Kid Squid Illustration

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january 2019

Welcome...

They say ‘new year, new me’ but is that a positive message to spread? Here at Stemme we know how important loving and accepting yourself is. That’s why we’re championing the new version: ‘new year, same you’. Wherever you sit on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, it’s key to be true to yourself. If you’re in the wrong body, keep being you and work towards the real you. If you’ve spent the last year working on yourself, keep going. If you’re kicking off this year by being kinder to yourself, we have your back.

We’re thrilled to be able to provide a platform for our community, so thank you for all of your support last year and here’s to a new year of queer delights.

Welcome to the sixth edition of Stemme.

Freya Hughes Editor

stemmemagazine.co.uk

@stemmemagazine

Editor - Freya Hughes Design - Amy Rumble Contributors - Rosie Blackwell-Sutton, Jesse King, Ali Hannon, Annabel Pribelszki, Hizze Fletcher, Charlotte Summers, Beth Watson, Alex Adams, Jules Haydon Guaitamacchi, Samo White Cover Art - Kid Squid Illustration kidsquidillustration.com / @kidsquidillustration With special thanks to everyone involved!

We’re always looking for writers, artists and advertisers.

Drop us an email at stemmemagazine@gmail.com

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Counting Butterflies by jules haydon guaitamacchi

When I was asked to contribute on the theme of love and acceptance I was inspired, the subject matter couldn’t be more appropriate during this chapter of my life.

Whilst in Thailand I have been running, however not in a metaphorical sense anymore — but in a literal one. And there are a few things I’ve noticed about running for real; when you run a race you’ll feel the burn, but you continue to move and carry the pain knowing that you will make it to the finish line. And when you do cross it you’re faster, stronger, more resilient and able to run the next race with more confidence.

I travelled to Thailand 12 weeks ago, a place so far away from home and yet closer to myself than I’ve ever been before. With me, I brought everything I’d stored for a rainy day and here I was — during the rainy season.

Usually when my baggage catches up with me I run away - I escape. I’ve been on the run before, but the distance always remained the same, with no real end goal or closure.

Ironically this time, travelling to the other side of the world was my way of standing still and reevaluating my life. You might say I have been running my whole life up until 12 weeks ago when I was encouraged to stop and just be.

So let’s talk about the burn. I’m sure many of us can relate to an internal and mental struggle in some way. My solution was escapism, constantly attaching to anything external that provided me with temporary relief from the deep sense of worthlessness and inadequacy that I maintained at my core. Lost in the abyss of instant gratification and often in a state of euphoria or erratic hyperactivity, I bounced

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from one thing to another often too exhausted for my own pace.

count the butterflies, take walks by the river until my manic fight or flight state began to dissipate.

When thinking about the word ‘love’ I think of the most important kind of love, that which remains unconditional. This love is selfless and boundless. During my time here my concept of the word has changed entirely. Now I realise that the purest love can only come from an abundant wholeness that resides within yourself and that can then be shared outwardly and offered to others willing to accept it.

I am calm now, I have got in touch with the world instead of living in the busyness of my own mind. Affirmations are plastered all over my mirror and after taking part in activities, exercise, groups and therapy, the day finally came when I looked in the mirror and I saw a person staring back at me that wasn’t defined by anything else. Feeling a sense of pride and compassion for the face staring back at me, the perception and attitude I had towards myself changed. I no longer felt alone in my own company. As soon as I learned to let go and let be, in a sigh of relief, I began to realise that building this solid foundation was the answer to becoming a whole person. It started with love for myself, acceptance of the world as it was and trusting this path without seeing the destination. My vulnerability is my strength, it is my connection to those around me. I have found the courage to love myself, and to allow myself to love others, accepting all of us for our humanness, our strengths and our weaknesses. This is where I find myself and this is where I connect with others. In this place, we can work together and find the true love and acceptance we all deserve.

Transitioning over the last 12 months has been stressful, but the way I treated myself was the biggest influencer in making my decision to embark on this journey. Friends encouraged self-care, and I told myself ‘yeah I’ll start on Monday’, but Monday never came…

But eventually, this opportunity did. An opportunity to hit the pause button, reflect, and maybe incorporate the self-love into my life I’d been neglecting to practice.

Life continued without me in Brighton when I arrived here, I saw the image of myself disappear from the seemingly picture-perfect life I’d been holding on to. Acceptance meant letting go of my attachment to that life and trusting that all the major resources I had were within me already. I embarked on an intensive programme, committing myself to make the changes that would supply me with the wholeness I had only sought from outside myself up until now. A short-term pain for a long-term gain this time, rather than the other way around. I’d listen to the sound of the rain,

Dedicated to Sandi James - my teacher and my guide Jules Guaitamacchi Presenter, Facilitator, Coach www.julesguaitamacchi.com

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hizze fletcher - brush brighton Hizze Fletcher-King has been in Brighton for 12 years. Her upbringing was inspired by strong women like Madonna, ID magazine, and a love of fashion. It’s all come together to create work that is bold, expressive, textured and graphical.

The gallery represents a wide range of Brighton-based contemporary artists and Hizze curates a new exhibition there every month.

A fine artist in her own right and has exhibited internationally. You might have seen her Netflix commissions this summer: a number of murals for their Orange is The New Black x PRIDE campaign throughout the UK.

She’s produced a number of large popup group-art exhibitions and events for LGBTQ groups, most notably 100 Artists for World Aids Day in 2008-2013 and the flagship exhibitions for Brighton Pride Arts & Film Festival 2013-14. Hizze also sat as an independent member of The Rainbow Fund 2014-2016

What’s the story behind Brush?

My wife Jojo had an established one chair hairdressing business in a tattoo shop and was looking for a new space. We didn’t intend to collaborate but the shop appeared and everything fell into place. I’d been a curator here for six years, doing pop up exhibitions so it made sense to open a permanent art space and to form our two established businesses into one.

Hizze opened up her own creative space BRUSH in 2014, an art gallery and one-chair hair salon collaboration with her wife, Jojo.

What made you want to open up in Brighton?

We couldn’t imagine living anywhere else in the UK. It’s so creative and diverse here. You really feel how different it is when you go to other cities and do something as simple as hold hands which can generally make everyone stare.

How did you get to where you are as a celebrated artist?

I always thought of myself as an artist, for as long as I can remember. I spent my childhood drawing and went to art school for 5 years after finishing high school. It was always my dream and I never deviated from that, I’ve worked very hard for a long time to get where I am.

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Can you tell us a bit about your recent solo show?

My new work expresses my life as an ageing queer woman. Life IS colourful but not without pain and I hope that my work can communicate the happiness and angst we can all consciously feel. I’m from a working-class background in the North of England and where I grew up it wasn’t ok to be queer or to have the desire to be an artist. Through my art, I’d like to inspire others to believe in themselves and to rise above the negativity that can so easily drag us down. ‘It’s Not All Black & White’ is my first solo show in over five years and my first at BRUSH.

What do you think of the LGBTQ community in Brighton?

I think we have a strong community in Brighton.

Places like The Marlborough, LGBT Forum, Trans Pride, The Rainbow Fund etc are really important for people to go and feel supported and not alone. There’s an abundance of things to suit all ages, situations, tastes, we’re very lucky.

Where are your favourite places to go in the city?

My favourite place is home. We live on the seafront and the views of the sea are incredible and inspiring. There’s nothing like watching an October sunset or stormy winters day. We don’t go out that much these days, generally to eat or the cinema.

What can we expect from Brush in the New Year?

We will continue to represent emerging and established artists. We pride ourselves on representing mostly women/ and or queer artists who collectively are and always have been completely under-represented in the art world. Jojo will continue to offer all gender hair services at an affordable price.

What did you make of the groups calling for the L to be removed from LGBTQ? We should stand together not divided.

brushbrighton.co.uk

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Death of the Maiden by freya hughes Privilege is something overlooked by those who have it. If you don’t, though, you can be sure to know about it. We hear from Death of the Maiden, who spill about the ins and outs of the music scene when you’re queer, POC and not living in the Brighton bubble.

understand because we are all total plebs in comparison. She and Hannah are also expert dead-lifters, don’t mess with them guns.

Emma is our drummer. She can fly an aeroplane illegally but she doesn’t know how to land one. So, if you’ve got unlimited fuel this isn’t a problem. She’s also the most talkative member of the band and sometimes it’s hard to get a word in edgeways.

Describe Death of the Maiden’s sound.

We describe our sound as ‘baroque pop’ as it’s quite difficult to fit ourselves into a particular genre, so we decided to make one up. But really, it’s best described as angry, emotionally volatile feel-good music. It’s cathartic; you might cry but you will also, hopefully, feel empowered and ready to deal with the general patriarchal bullshit of the day/week/ infinity. To balance out the anger we also try to write with a lot of humour. We like a strong narrative with a few expletives or something the audience can get their teeth into and will make them laugh. We have a lot of fun at band practice and we let that come out in our songs/performance.

We met when Tamara decided that an allfemale band would be really fun and a nice change in her life. She asked Emma to drum and already knew Hannah who is a prominent singer/songwriter in the Oxford music scene.

Luckily Emma and Hannah were already great friends so there was some good chemistry from the start. We all saw Jenny playing in her band, Lucy Leave, and were a bit star-struck.

‘I’ve always wanted to be in a girl-band’ exclaimed Jenny when we asked her to join and thus our paths were set.

What are you doing to empower women and pave the way for other musicians like yourselves?

The band is very mixed. We are 4 women, some of us are queer, people of colour (albeit white-passing) and part of the reason we formed the band is to provide role-models to young women. Oxford is full of very white, middle-class, all-male bands. We are not the norm here, but we want to be and we want to give our audience something they can identify with. We played Common People earlier this year and a number of young women approached us after the gig saying that our performance had encouraged and inspired

Who’s in the band and how did you all meet/ start playing together?

Tamara is the lead singer and guitarist. Her therapist once told her that her haircut might be an aggressive statement towards men but in truth, she just got a buzz-cut because she is lazy (and doesn’t hate men).

Hannah is the lead guitarist and used to play cricket for Oxfordshire. She’s annoyingly good at scrabble (and most board sports) and her modesty when winning is a sight to behold.

Jenny is the bassist and a great knitter of garments. She is also an academic and recently wrote a book which none of us can

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them to start their own band. This is great and exactly the sort of feedback we love.

Tamara’s introduction the audience booed this man and, finally, he decided to leave.

The only exit route was to the walk past the stage as we were mid-song. As he walked by, the audience booed and hissed him; it was a bit like a fucked-up but awesome panto. So many people approached the stage after that gig saying they loved how we called out that man’s behaviour. We proved him wrong and took back the power, and the audience was galvanised because of it. Hopefully it gave everyone more confidence in calling out sexism when it happens as it’s not an easy, or sometimes safe, thing to do.

We are also very vocal about our experiences in the music industry, especially about the discrimination we have received due to who we are, the way we look and what we represent. We are all feminists and each of us in our personal lives is interested in feminism and educating ourselves about different groups of women and their experiences in the world. We support other female artists and when we play gigs we ensure the bill is diverse and a safe-space for our audiences.

Outside of the band, Hannah works for a charity in Oxford that specifically works to include groups that often get excluded from music. These include women, trans & nonbinary, LGB and disabled young people.

Tamara runs All Tamara’s Parties, a monthly music night that is designed to be a platform to showcase more female and non-binary talent and pay all artists for their work from the ticket sales. Jenny is an academic and is often a very important female voice in a heavily male environment. She was recently asked to be part of the panel for the Young Women’s Music Project’s ‘Changing Herstory’ event. Emma has also worked with Young Women’s Music Project as the leader of ‘team drum’. In fact, all of us have worked with Young Women’s Music Project in some way and we often play their fundraising charity events.

Recently we got removed from a bill for calling out the sexist imagery that was being used to promote the event. The artwork belonged to the headlining band and when we tried to discuss it with them in a mature and adult way, they basically told us we had no sense of humour and needed to be less serious about life. The classic excuses really: just why didn’t we find sexism as funny as they did?

When we called out the imagery the venue immediately removed it and apologised to us. They handled it so well and made us feel safe and valued. Sadly, the band insisted that the promoter remove us from the bill and the promoter complied. We got silenced twice for calling out sexism in our local scene. We received hurtful and immature emails from this band and it took up so much emotional energy to deal with their behaviour. It went on for weeks too so was pretty horrendous and upsetting for us all to deal with.

What struggles have you come up against while forging your path in the music industry?

Where do we start? The most entertaining, if you can call it that, was when Tamara introduced the audience to a ‘real-life sexist’.

This man and his mates were slagging off our band within our ear-shot as we tuned up for the gig. He told his mates that we couldn’t possibly play our instruments or be any good because we were women. After

After we played Common People festival a woman called Debbie left a message on our Facebook page calling us ‘man-hating lesbos’.

With a little questioning, she revealed that she had walked into the music tent during our sound-check. We were using ‘Nameless, Faceless’ by Courtney Barnett to sound-check

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with and she clearly didn’t like the lyrics. She decided to tell us her opinion publicly adding all sorts of abuse such as ‘your lyrics are shit and hateful’ and ‘you are sick lesbians’ but luckily our followers grouped together and reported her and she was removed.

We managed to at least have something resembling a discussion before she told us ‘why would I want to troll you man-haters, grow up’.

was held in Brighton and it is a city full of progressive ideas. The scenery is also great and who doesn’t remember, with fondness, those pebbly beach trips as a child. We are also big fans of the amount of great veggie cuisine on offer. We are playing our first ever Brighton gig in March with ARXX and we can’t wait. Oh and Tamara did go to the weirdest hen-do of her life in Brighton, but we can’t really blame Brighton for that!

There are many more. Some of it is the usual everyday sort of stuff, some of it is bigger and harder to deal with. But whenever something happens, our friends, fellow musos and fans gather round and support us. That’s why we share our experiences; so we feel less alone and to help others who have similar experiences feel less alone too.

Tamara, tell us about your events.

I started All Tamara’s Parties 7 years ago when I got sick of playing gigs where I was often the only female artist on the bill. With ATP I attempt to redress the balance by creating a more diverse bill; it is a platform to showcase more female and non-binary talent and an example to the rest of the scene which states “see, it’s not that hard”. If only people put a little bit more thought behind their events: Is the bill diverse? Who are my audience? Is it accessible? Will the audience feel safe? ATP has steadily grown and I now put on a monthly noise night at the Jericho Tavern called Zero Tolerance. I also put on more acoustic occasions around the city and am busy planning a day long festival on 8th June. I like to play the events myself too as it’s hard not to want to play the best event in your own city.

What events can we catch you at?

We are going to be playing the following gigs including a date in Brighton with ARXX in 2019: 29 March Album launch at The Jericho Tavern, Oxford 30 March LaDIY Fest, Bristol 12 April Get in Her Ears, London 13 April IssuePunkZine, Basingstoke

What’s the best thing about Brighton for you as individuals and as a band?

We all love how easy it is to be yourself in Brighton. It’s a uniquely tolerant place where no one cares what you look like, how you dress and who you love. Brighton is a very queer open space where people really can just be themselves. The first trans-pride

facebook.com/deathofthemaiden

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Performance Skills Workshop with annabel pribelszki One Thursday night in November, a group of four intrepid LGBTQIA+ people impressed the audience, at a Performance Skills Workshop Showcase. Starting the course with varying degrees of experience (from no stage experience, to one or two open mic attempts to a Hammer and Tongue poetry slam finalist) two lesbians, a gay man and a Trans* man had been working hard for six weeks, to learn various performance skills, to apply to their own material.

wider audience, through the medium of performance. The self-esteem and mental health benefits of building the confidence to speak in front of any audience are empowering; they can be applied to many life situations. The opportunity to learn and play with others bonds the workshop group and new friendships are formed, which go beyond the six weeks of the course.”

From comedy monologue storytelling to entertaining yet poignant and thoughtprovoking poetry, the performers shared their ten-minute pieces with an invited audience of supportive friends, family and partners.

“The self-esteem and mental health benefits of building the confidence to speak in front of any audience are empowering; they can be applied to many life situations”

Course facilitator, Annabel Pribelszki, explained the ethos behind the workshop.

“As an experienced performer, I can remember what it was like to go on stage for the first time. The blinding lights, the fear of taking the mic off the stand, the literal ‘rabbit in the headlights’ feeling of pure angst at sharing my words with an unknown audience. I wanted to share the performance skills and knowledge which I have built up, across fifteen years of performing spoken word, stand-up, in addition to the audience engagement skills I use as an MC and event host.”

“As a lesbian, I feel that is essential that members of our LGBTQIA+ community are given the opportunity to share their experiences, thoughts and dreams, with a

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Annabel also runs one-to-one performance skills coaching, whether for a work or university presentation, job interview, poetry slam or for applying the final polish, to your comedy set. Contact her for more details.

The six-week course is intended for the beginner, or those with a little experience of, writing and performing for the stage. The course will provide you with the tools you need, to present yourself, with confidence, in front of any audience. By the end of the course, you will have a five-minute performance, to showcase to an invited audience.

Aiden talks about attending a one-to-one coaching session: “Annabel is lovely. She is very experienced as a writer, stand-up comic, and spoken word artist. She is very straight-talking and is not afraid to point out areas that need improving - but she is also very nurturing and does so in a supportive and informative way. I also took a couple of 1-2-1 lessons with her to prepare for the Hammer & Tongue final and found them incredibly useful. We went through a lot of my poems and I received some very valuable feedback on loads of things, including suggestions on how to edit things down to concentrate on moving the narrative along and how to deal with time constraints.”

Workshop participant Aiden Bex summarised the six-week course: “It’s a really friendly, supportive, and safe space. As a result of the activities, it isn’t long before the group has bonded and people are no longer feeling very self-conscious. It also helps that Annabel is more than ready to throw herself into the activities and lead by example.”

“In a group of four students, it has been evident that we all started the workshops at different stages and levels of ability. However, Annabel has done well to keep things very level and to tailor things to suit all students’ abilities without it having a negative impact upon the group dynamic. In other words, the more advanced have felt suitably challenged and the less advanced haven’t felt lost or out of their depth. Each student has been continually working on their own individual areas and has been learning all the time, even though the group has been of mixed ability.”

The Performance Skills Workshops are held on Mondays at the Caroline of Brunswick. There is one discounted bursary place available, to a person on a low income, who otherwise would be unable to access the workshop. Please contact Annabel for more details about how to apply for this bursary place.

Annabelszki has toured her solo show ‘Professional Breakup Artist’ internationally in 2017-18 Follow her @annabelszki on Facebook and Twitter.

Contact annabelpribelszki@yahoo.co.uk to book your place.

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King Frankie Sinatra by annabel pribelszki How was King Frankie ‘created’?

A late night phone call with Mzz Kimberley.

We had done a drag king/drag queen act together in the nineties. When I suggested doing Frank Sinatra she enthusiastically endorsed it, by booking me for a gig in two weeks!

What drew you to Frank Sinatra, rather than any other performer?

As a child, I loved Frank Sinatra so I did some background checks; I didn’t want any dodgy skeletons crashing out of closets. I discovered that he was a really cool guy.

Bankrolled by the mafia. He was an antiracist, involved in the fledgeling Civil Rights Movement in the USA and he slept with all the beautiful women he could. A bad boy with a golden voice. Just like me.

Describe the early days - trying him out, creating an act/character I hit the ground running with an open mic spot at Bar Wotever at the Royal Vauxhall Tavern and Mzz Kimberley had booked me for a gig at The Glory. I already knew most of his songs, so I just had to pick my favourites.

The best thing about performing as a Drag King?

The camaraderie with other Kings.

Where have you performed?

The list is too long to name them all; highlights have been L Fest, London Pride and Amsterdam Pride.

Future plans/where can we catch King Frankie?

I am currently taking a performance break, as I’m in rehearsal with my one-king show - Rebel Dyke. I will be touring the UK in February as part of LGBT History Month.

Describe a ‘typical’ King Frankie set I adapt each show for the audience and environment - he has been known to morph into Sid Vicious and Freddie Mercury! He always sings live.

Find King Frankie Sinatra on Facebook, YouTube & Instagram Or @kingfrankiesina Twitter

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samo white by alex adams Tell us a little about yourself.

My name is Samo and I am dedicated to exploring and documenting the human condition, using myself as the subject matter. I own an art gallery & tattoo studio. I founded the Safe Space movement, which the local businesses and wider community embraced, and hold workshops to encourage creativity, education and acceptance. The key objectives are accessibility, trans awareness and a united community.

What do you think of the power of selfexpression tattoos give people?

In the context that the majority of my of clients are on LGBTQ spectrum, I’ve seen how tattoos can give confidence and acceptance to clients, helping them to evoke a sense of ownership and love for the bodies they were born into but don’t necessarily relate to. There’s a sense of respect for the unique art that they have had input in producing and have chosen to wear on their skin, engendering a sense of respect for the body itself.

What interested you in the Beyond event and how did you come to get involved?

I was offered to curate an exhibition at The Marlborough Pub & Theatre and, after conversations with the team running Beyond about the trials of fundraising and understanding the profound importance of the surgery, I offered to help where I could. I received such generosity and support from my own community that I want to pay it forward and give back, to highlight the importance and power of community in achieving great things when united.

Tell us what to expect from the show.

Expect to see a series of work created during the aftermath of top surgery, during recovery.

It’s a deeply personal, intense series created at a time of vulnerability as a coping tool. The pieces document an insight into my feelings and experience; I couldn’t move due to the binder and drains and was struggling to psychologically connect my body to my mind, so projecting onto canvas helped me process the changes and reconnect.

How did you get started in your art career?

I am self-taught from a young age. Everything I’ve achieved is down to hard graft, determination and a drive to express my perspective and connect with others. I’ve experimented with all manner of media and canvas, anything I could find, proving money is no barrier to achieving your vision if you are committed. My first exhibition was around my 18th birthday in a funeral parlour. The show was a series of installations in mixed media, including casting and sculpture, themed around the human body and its condition.

See more of Samo’s work on Instagram @samo.arts / @playdeadstudio

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- what’s on tnb Thurs 21 Feb CaféDomenica The Clare Project and Switchboard have launched Brighton & Hove’s new trans and non-binary drop-in service - TNB. Initially, TNB will run once a month, on the third Thursday 6-8pm at Café Domenica located on Preston Circus.

floss Wednesday nights Subline

This new trans and non-binary drop-in service is open to anyone who identifies with the TNB community, and/or questioning and exploring their gender identity or variance. It’s a safe space for socialising, finding out more about local or national organizations and services that support the community, and engage with a variety of topics which may at some point affect them.

This new weekly club night promises an alternative way to cope with Wednesdays. A safe space for everyone to enjoy, FLOSS, as its name suggests, even gives out FREE CANDY FLOSS! Expect electronic music, visual art, rapture and queerness aplenty, as this exciting and alternative night delivers more delights than any other.

Themes for each session may include subjects such as housing, sexual health, health and wellbeing, relationships, sports and activities, trans care pathways, or social support. TNB is also a great opportunity to socialize, meet others from the community and engage with workshops and events throughout the program.

Drag You Under the Bus Fri 22 Feb Komedia Join host Hans Euff for their wild and weird drag cabaret extravaganza, returning to Brighton’s Komedia once more!

The drop-in is free to attend, and light refreshments will be provided, however, you’re also able to purchase snacks or other drinks from the café itself. You are welcome to pop along at any point, however, if you’d prefer to discuss your attendance beforehand, get in touch.

With performances from some of the finest performers in the UK, we’re treated to the wonders of Lilly Snatch, Lydia L’Scabies, Benjamin Butch and Shakona Fire. As ever, enjoy the thrills of Hans’ hosting, games, competitions and more.

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A collection of poems by ali hannon Clay

Mountain

When your bones were fleshed out And your smile pressed with one finger across your new head, Your eyes alive, Clay clumps formed into limbs And a heart, like treasure, encased within, You were made.

The morning earth tired, Flexing, wrapping.

Plates moved roughly Aligning, but not quite.

Quiet surges under earth Ruptured the ground, Erupting, you say, without warning.

Your soft form, steady, walked on.

Pummelled by the journey’s heavy rain, Stones stuck in your pliant feet.

We say in unison: “Some say it had always been known.”

Now mountains are here As if they always had been, Polite prophecy.

Each calcite shell picked From these creases Reminds me of the youth Of this surgent ground.

There is sand here too, A momento of friction, a burn.

At home, in the light of a candle, You reshape yourself, smooth dents and reform Some roughness remains.

You draw back on your expression, Hasty, and less curved than the night you were made.

The pulling of pieces from your kaolinite soles, Each leaves a print of dirt.

Yet still this world’s motion, The whip of storms that weather you Are only resolvable harm.

The bright days dry you; Harden your skin and fix your form.

And in that lowly light you set, Until just the brush of a hand will cast away the dust of your day.

A simple southerly wind adjusts us over time, Softening the angle on which to climb.

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After I wept that winter, Finding solace in the empty space between heaves, momentary, Your fingers tapped across the bones of me A rhythm spared the indulgent melodies Of lust; persuasive percussion.

My skin was dull in its vibrations.

Your hairs intertwined in mine, Each one coloured by hand, red Like the fever you felt and the fervent fires now embers.

I pluck them out and lay them out side by side.

They are the last of you, movable by movable air Little is left. Only the decorations Of the self you supplied, a reflection of a self maligned.

The books you never read are A fortune I did not want to inherit.

You packed your favourite pages anyway.

Now they smell like they are ancient; porous, torn.

@ali _ hannon

It’s not just a pain in my ass

losing your sense of ‘self’ when navigating chronic illness

by jesse king

Living with a chronic illness is quite possibly the most interchangeable, multi-systemic, and therefore, confusing experience one can encounter. From the first foreign twinge that you will remember clearer than your birthday, to the likely years of unknown symptoms that start creeping into your body, a lot passes through your mind during this incomprehensible time, most of which is completely impossible to understand.

While doctors go from wearing question marks on their faces to expressions of doubt and strained interest, to then be sent away with some opiates or NSAIDs, or maybe a ‘pityreferral’ if you are lucky, you are left feeling confused and lost. You may lose friends, experience constant pain and chronic fatigue, spend days in silence in dark rooms, cancel plans, have uncomfortable invasive medical procedures, cope with cancelled appointments, and even lose the ability to partake in solitary hobbies and interests, in my case, reading and writing.

The residual feeling that seems to come from all these competing thoughts and feelings, is an all-encompassing sense of guilt and low selfworth. You start feeling unreliable, to yourself and others, because realistically, nobody wants to keep inviting someone to events who cancels at the last minute on every occasion, and you start to become cautious about making plans knowing that you will not know how your body will act on the day.

It is easy to become invisible and not want to burden others with your ‘fear of the unknown’ narrative that you are living inside. Inside is an important term here when analysing the effects of chronic illness, as it is a completely personal and internal experience that on the outside, can often be invisible. Because the point is, even to yourself, you look aesthetically

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All this is hard to navigate for any soul, but even harder if you don’t identify as cis-gendered or heterosexual. To be both chronically ill and queer is to be marginalised twice. To me, queer means action, pride and resilience and is therefore productive.

But my chronic illness identity that cries for isolation and stagnation is stronger than my queer identity. It is hard not to feel like an inadequate queer, or feel my queerness is not valid as I am not able to express it or go to many queer events or be present in a queer space long enough to feel a sense of belonging or bonding within the community.

‘normal’ and in good health, but internally there is a war in which you are in control of neither side of the battle, that is, between the body and mind.

“An infinite list of varying symptoms that seem to not relate to each other and hold no consistency over when or where they will present themselves, left me scared of myself”

As some folx in the queer community around me focus on their main mental and physical health goals, eg the process of getting top surgery, I must first work through the backlog of medical appointments and referrals I have been putting all of my energy into pushing for, for the last five years, to fix what is wrong internally before I can fix what is wrong externally.

Disease states dominate mental health, leaving the individual both emotionally and physically vulnerable. They break through resistance structures that a previously healthy body once unconsciously practiced daily and completely subvert what ‘was’ and what ‘is, countering a person’s truth, or identity, and essentially removes the sense of self. I have come to realise that what kept me tied to what I have named the ‘chronic illness limbo state’ was not just the physical illness itself, but the depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem and self-worth that resulted from it.

I feel as if my identity is a collected mass of hospital departments - cardiology, neurology, endocrinology, gastroenterology, rheumatology - that gender reassignment referrals and surgery is not visible at present.

However, I have recently processed that if the right mental health support and awareness around the different types of loss that chronic illness brings, were available, the process towards stability and acceptance could have gone a lot faster, of which I’ll be investigating in more depth in future writing.

An infinite list of varying symptoms that seem to not relate to each other and hold no consistency over when or where they will present themselves, left me scared of myself.

Chronic illness restricts yourself from you. If there’s no explanation that anyone can find for the decline of your bodies ability, it’s as if your mind takes over in finding something to blame, creating negative thought patterns, self-denial and internalised self-hatred.

Writing the political and the personal.

Essayist/poetry/prose. @jayseaking Fighting for queer politics, chronic illness and mental health.

I use they/them pronouns.

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Lesbians vs Stereotypes by charlotte summers from unite uk Studs, dykes, femmes, butch, the list goes on and with each “label” is a stereotype attached. The first most popular stereotype is the very masculine, short-haired lesbian with their feminine girlfriend. As every samesex relationship needs a man and woman counterpart... not. A close second stereotype is a lesbian who just hasn’t met the right guy yet, but don’t you worry there is a guy out there for you to help.

a tiny percentage of the discrimination we go through within our own community. Butch lesbians are painted to be girls trying to be men, feminine lesbians are labelled to be confused, studs are shown to be players. Why can’t we just say: cool we all like girls, how you look doesn’t matter. But sadly the reality is, our appearance dramatically affects how the world perceives us.

All these stereotypes and false assumptions have caused society to create a false assumption of what identifying as a lesbian means. But, more importantly, it’s created a rift in our own community. I’m very feminine and so is my girlfriend. We get a few heads turning and we often get asked if we’re sisters. Which side note, gross.

These outdated views are not welcomed in our modern society yet we let them plague the LGBTQ+ community and create false assumptions.

But what upset me the most was at pride where we got judged by someone in our own community. Just minding our own business, we got confronted by a girl who I presume was a lesbian. She proceeded to ask me and my girlfriend if we were together which for some reason was a surprise. Bare in mind, right now she can only judge us down to our appearance, but she proceeds to tell us we won’t last. On what basis has she formed this opinion? Because myself and my girlfriend are two feminine women.

Why does this happen?

My honest opinion to why this happens is society’s perception of what a woman should look like. When a woman has masculine features, those with closed minds or have lived sheltered lives often get scared. They don’t understand women come

How is got to our own community judging our own people? What we experienced is just

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in many variations and when faced with something that doesn’t fit their “normal” views then they often get upset and start to throw a tantrum.

us feminine. How we are seen by the world doesn’t matter, as long as we’re happy who cares. This simple yet mind-blowing concept to some is being adopted by individuals worldwide and they’re showing that you can identify as a lesbian and push all of the boundaries. We’re human beings first and we all need to develop a level of understanding that not everyone who identifies a certain way is the same.

Women for years have been seen as a second classed citizen, living to please the male world. But as we all know, the world has changed and with that, our views should as well. Women don’t have to look overly feminine, we can look as butch as we like and rock it. These outdated views are not welcomed in our modern society yet we let them plague the LGBTQ+ community and create false assumptions. When do we finally say, suck it. We can be butch, feminine, we can be the biggest stud we like, but that doesn’t mean we have to act a certain way.

Whether you like identifying as feminine or butch, or you hate having that stereotype attached to you. It’s important to acknowledge that we are all unique, we all identify differently and the world we live in isn’t black and white. Remember, we live in a world full of colour.

It’s time that it’s known our appearance does not determine who we are. We do. Our haircut doesn’t make us butch, our clothes don’t make

@unite _ uk1 uniteuk1.com

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Women of Brighton- stop asking me if you’re bi! Here’s how you know by beth watson It’s a question nearly all queer women have been asked. You’re out for a drink with your straight girl friend (let’s call her Rebecca) and after a couple of beverages, Rebecca gets this look in her eyes...

I think (as usual) the media is partly to blame.

While bisexuality often crops up in TV and film, it’s very rarely called as such. Take Piper Chapman in Orange is the New Black.

Arguably one of the most prominent bisexual on TV in recent times, and based on a real-life vocally bi woman. Is she ever called bisexual in the show? No. So, it’s not surprising that baby bis are navigating the world feeling hella confused. Our bisexuality is being used as a plot-line and yet still being erased at the same time, which is pretty confusing!

Rebecca: “Can I ask you a question?”

You begrudgingly oblige.

There also seems to be this idea that you have to have sex with someone the of your same gender to “prove” you’re bisexual. Not in the gay community but online as well. If you put “How do I know if I’m bi” into Google, you’re hit with over a million search results, including many quizzes with questions like “Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?” and “Have you have ever had sex with someone the same gender as you?”

Rebecca: “How do I know if I’m bi?”

Me: “Do you find women attractive?”

Rebecca: “Yes, but how do I know?”

Now, as someone who’s friends with a lot of Rebeccas, I get asked these kinds of questions rather frequently. In fact, last month, I was asked this question a grand total of four times.

Four times, that’s once a week! Which got me thinking, why are the baby bis of this world walking around with so much self-doubt? And why do they see me as the ultimate judge of all things queer? I’m not, by the way, I didn’t even finish watching The L Word.

Now, although doing a Buzzfeed-style quiz might seem like a simple solution to the problem, these questions are still pretty unhelpful. First of all, because your identity is not determined by your sex life. You do not need to have sex with someone the same gender to prove that you’re bisexual. We never question a straight person’s straightness, even if they’re a virgin. I think this is why so many people struggle to know if they’re bi.

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This idea that your sex life ‘proves’ your identity is only made worse by the discourse in the gay lady dating scene. One time, I was once on a date with a girl who referred to me as “not really bisexual” because I’d only had sex with two women. Of course, people are going to be nervous about identifying as bi if we are setting these strange gay sex targets to be able to join the club!

And you don’t have to prove anything to anyone or get it confirmed by your token gay friend.

So, when trying to figure out how to ‘know’ if you’re bisexual, ignore the silly online quizzes and ask yourself these questions instead.

Would being with someone of the same gender make you happy?

Have we forgotten that the best part of being queer is being able to self-identify? Whether you’ve just changed your Tinder profile from ‘Men’ to ‘Men and Women’ or you’ve been in a same-sex relationship for 10 years, if you feel like you might be bisexual, you probably are!

Would you like to start dating or sleeping with someone of the same gender one day?

If the answer to either of those questions is yes, you’re probably bisexual.

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beyoND the first regular transgender fundraising event ever!

We are excited to announce ‘Beyond’ the first regular transgender fundraising event ever!

for change and wish to create a space of celebration and solidarity as well as raising as much money as possible for people who desperately need our support.

Originating in Brighton the event showcases trans artists and performers including our queer allies too! Much like the many regular gay and queer events dotted around the country ‘Beyond’ is finally putting trans people first and supporting a community struggling to be seen or heard!

On Sat 19 Jan 2019, hosted at The Marlborough Pub & Theatre, the launch will include a solo exhibition by Samo ‘Exploring the Body and Transitions’ as well as live music, poetry, DJ’s and drag performances from some of the UK’s biggest names!

With hugely under-resourced services trans people face enormous adversities when attempting to access support services, often waiting years before even receiving an initial assessment. This process can impact enormously on an individual’s psychological health and well being. With a sense of urgency, it isn’t uncommon for trans people to attempt to facilitate their own medical transition, self-medicating with hormones and raising surgery costs through online fundraisers.

So far our confirmed drag performers include Alfie Ordinary, Rococo Chanel, Fruit, Dick Day, Tayris Mongardi, Psychofag and more...

Live music and poetry acts include Mèfi, Aoife Balfe, Chuck SJ, Sebastian Causton, and DJs Liz Ridgway and Jumeau.

The Beyond team have recently announced a very special guest to kick off the night. Juno Dawson is a British author of young adult fiction and non-fiction on LGBT issues including This Book is Gay, Margot & Me, and The Gender Games. Don’t miss it!

Gender reassignment surgery can cost thousands which can present as a huge challenge for people already struggling with a multitude of inequalities within our society.

‘Beyond’ is a non-profit, community event by the trans community for the trans community.

The team is made up of a group of creative individuals who are passionate about fighting

@beyondbrightonuk facebook.com/beyondbrightonuk

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