A Real Moment

Marcus Smith

"I really, completely am overjoyed to be here right now. I am grateful that you all put me here and I can thank many others as well for my current position but I will not today because without my ruthless campaigning, edgy yet likable style, my sob story, my nondescript opinions on social issues, my completely doctored background, my endless web of contacts who can get things done, my degree that says I know something about economics, my honorable discharge that shows I'm a true patriot, and my wit that keeps me in with the younger generation I would not be here. "I got here today also because I like to say nothing while speaking a lot. I take pride in my ability to deflect and pivot and how useful it is. I avoid subjects and questions like two parallel lines avoid each other on a graph. I like to re-articulate things and overly ARTICULATE things that don't seem to make sense hoping that you all think you'll understand this big picture that I've covered behind more garbage, drapes and mysterious distracting surroundings. I want you to feel familiar with me but really you can't imagine a day in my life. Maybe, some of you want to know what it's like, being a politician. The lying, cheating and under the table covert actions that really get things done in this country. "So to everyone who wants to be the man I've become today, I'm going to give words of advice to help u do the lying, cheating and under the table covert actions that really get things done in this country. "Some ideals to have in mind in order to get here are easy to get the hang of. The less you say in the more words the greater the perceived power your statements will have. The more people you appeal to and the less you offend the more support you gain. The less you actually do and the more you delegate to others the better you will be recognized in history. All the more's and the less's are all just games for us politicians. And if you learn to play the game, and play it well, you can be where I am standing. You are the future and that's scares me to death. So get some courage and make the changes I originally wanted to make when I first sought a position in government. "I started out like many of us do. I began trying to change the world and leave my mark on society but I became tempted by the power, tamed by the money, and tampered with by the competitive, soiled nature of politics. Even though I do not want to do anything I will promise you I will do everything I can to make this nation as glorious as we apparently used to be. To make one promise I won't break, I promise that I will break most of my promises, leave them up to congress to fulfill, and then do what my strings are pull-

ing at me to do. In a year I'll have every law and policy arranged exactly how those who bribe me to be exactly how they want them to be arranged. Then, I might, near the end of my term, when it's too late to change things, attempt and take a stab or two to make those changes I promised emptily. "This is what you will see from me and I look forward to my 400 grand a year for life and my term. If polls show that I have a good chance for next term I'll run again to try very weakly to make those changes again. This is your new president speaking and God bless America! We'll need it."