New Proverbs of Hell by Hall Writers

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The Hall Writers’ Forum The Hall Writers’ Forum was launched online in 2013 with a view to fostering dialogue, collaboration, and creative writing. Its members include current and former students of St Edmund Hall, members of the Hall’s academic and non-academic staff, and associates from outside the college who have been nominated by Forum members.

First published in the United Kingdom in 2014 by Chough Publications St Edmund Hall Oxford OX1 4AR This collection © 2014 Chough Publications Copyright for the individual contributions remains with the authors except where otherwise indicated Drawings © 2014 Jude Montague 1

Table of Contents Introduction............................................................................................................................................. 3 Rod Tweedy ............................................................................................................................................. 4 Stuart Estell.............................................................................................................................................. 6 Lucy Newlyn ............................................................................................................................................ 7 Jude Montague ........................................................................................................................................ 9 Tom Clucas ............................................................................................................................................ 11 Rosie Hunter ......................................................................................................................................... 12 Carmen Bugan ..................................................................................................................................... 13 Nik Abnett .............................................................................................................................................. 14 Darrell Barnes ...................................................................................................................................... 15 Richard Hunt ........................................................................................................................................ 20 Tony Brignull ....................................................................................................................................... 21 Notes on Contributors ...................................................................................................................... 23 The Blake Society ............................................................................................................................... 25

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Introduction

Introduction This collection of proverbs, aphorisms, epigrams and bons mots was kicked off by Rod Tweedy in June 2014. He posted this on the Hall Writers’ Forum: Calling all HWF Aphoristas!!!

Inspired by William Blake’s Proverbs of Hell, the Blake Society has launched an Aphorism competition and is seeking original and contemporary aphorisms (aphs!) to be submitted through Twitter. If you're a budding writer of aphorisms (‘aphorista’?), or have infernal Tweets within you, please act on your desires: Exuberance is beauty!

The topic elicited over one hundred and fifty posts, some of them being simply comment, and nearly nine hundred views, all within the space of three months. Reading these contributions on the printed page as it were misses out the extraneous chatter and banter: all of that can be easily viewed on the Hall Writers’ Forum website - but only if you have signed up to be a member (www.forum.seh.ox.ac.uk).

At the end of this volume there is information about the Blake Society.

The contributions are listed below under the name of each author, each having a section of his or her own, but not necessarily in the order in which they were first posted.

Rod Tweedy

Rod Tweedy Proverbs of the Right Hemisphere To a man with a hammer everything begins to look like a nail (McGilchrist).

Don’t just do something, listen!

The body knows more than the mind thinks.

A straight line is godless and immoral (Hundertwasser).

Sooner cut down a tree than re-tweet a cliché.

For every order there are two disorders.

The wings of birds don't bear grudges.

The ego thinks that space is empty. The opposite is true.

Belief in literalism will kill you.

Better to be a fool than to call another one.

Thou shalt!

Today’s eagles are tomorrow’s stuffed birds.

If you need an app to measure where you’re going, you’re already lost.

A fast car is the sign of a slow mind.

Pity the powerful.

Reason isolates, wisdom unites.

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Rod Tweedy

The fox seeks what the goose throws out.

A balanced equation is an affront to God. All words point away. Come back, come back!

If everything were in harmony, the world would stop.

Words were made to turn us inside out.

Heads grow up, roots grow down.

The moth believes the light will save it.

The law creates crime by calling itself the law.

It’s not the disorders that are the problem, it’s the orders.

Reason contracts. imagine expands!

We go to school to learn what we chose not to believe the first time.

Sooner break your own legs than put another down.

Unleash your id! Live!

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Stuart Estell

Stuart Estell A rash fifteen minutes is candida, darling.

The flayed wether's skin yields only dust.

A tune borrowed is a tune that flies.

The forgotten line keeps the song alive.

A lost tune will return in different clothing.

Even the sagest of men backs up the wrong file.

Let us praise the sluggard, for she is well-rested.

The road of excess leads to the car-park of immobility.

The virtuoso pianist is not a series of ones and zeroes.

Violas are less of a liability in the garden than they are in the orchestra pit.

Send prayer forth into the heavens, and feet follow it into the swamp.

The dark autumn day in summer cuts pastoral verse dead.

Nonsense spikes the proverbial tomato with a spoon.

Scatter your proverbs widely and you will reap homilies.

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Lucy Newlyn

Lucy Newlyn The distinction between Art and Craft is a bourgeois illusion.

Anything can be made into an aphorism, if you balance the sentence correctly.

One man's wise proverb is another man's useless platitude.

Beware of axioms, for no truth is self-evident.

Choose your ground carefully. In humid places, even the wisest wit grows sluggish.

If one aphorism unsettles another, so be it.

Leave generalising to the madmen and the bigots. Minute particulars are the only things of worth and beauty.

A glow-worm's light may lead you on paths un-travelled.

Better to lose your way ten times in a wood at night than to choose the quick way home, and miss the owls.

If you build your house over a disused well, learn to love glistening slugtracks.

Better a homely proverb than an article on the unheimlich.

Never try to disentangle the tenor from the vehicle: a literal mind is the enemy of a proverbial imagination.

Mix registers at your peril. Fail to mix them, and your proverbs will be like flat ale.

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Lucy Newlyn

Peddlers in abstractions should be made to feel uncomfortable. Give them the seat nearest the draft.

Better the perilous path of contradiction than the safe path of consistency.

The hornbeam will grow perfectly spherical if you do not plant it against a wall.

A moth-eaten coat is Time's revenge on Luxury.

Homespun analogies are the stuff of homily. Elaborate them for too long and your congregation will fall asleep.

Incontrovertible truths are like dead metaphors -- best buried and forgotten.

Never apologise for exclamations. Embrace Allegory! Make room for the inconsequential!

If wisdom is no magpie, stealing a bit here and a bit there, what is she?

A proverb, like a slug-trail, secretes its own gloss.

Aphorism and allusion are uneasy bed-fellows, each as heavy as the other.

Everything in a proverb is formulaic, but there is no formula for wisdom.

You can sound wise by introducing exceptions, but use them sparingly.

What use is all your wisdom to a slug? (Beware of advice disguised as random rhetorical questions.)

As you crow, so may you creep.

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Jude Montague

Jude Montague No beetle fights under the cool moon without a star.

Measure the sea, treasure the fee.

The crow catches the shimmer of the soul.

Where you resume, be scared to presume.

A long phrase garners the most praise.

There are more squeaks in your boots than steps to the shops.

To preserve desire, leave work half done.

Impunity leads pain into the night.

Knowledge puts on wings but cannot fly.

Fruit is a tree, and my daughter is peeling the days.

I will either die of my disease or trust in the law.

If you are successful you have spoken of destruction.

Carry these logs over to the superior answer.

I am engaged to examine silence.

I agree with the present and argue within the present.

A wise man has no time for sorrow: his clock runs on water.

The harvest forgives the sun for its obedience.

Drive your car over to the folly of hospitals.

If you would measure eternity, persist.

Who has eyes of fire has hunted their prey in their sleep.

Delight, you are a mouth who rewards false flags.

Christ sees a monkey when a door opens.

I am indifferent to your separate essence unless I am a mediator.

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Jude Montague

Lost souls are diametrically opposed to dying!

Abandon excellence! And embrace the internet!

The other face is the one that you saw in Tesco’s.

Sooner advise a fox than understand a straight road.

As eyes to a bird, so is society to photography.

Wisdom is the raw material for opportunity.

Time travels. We splutter in its exhaust fumes.

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Tom Clucas

Tom Clucas A proverb is a sun to light the mind, but slogans will eclipse, and leave it blind.

Most cruelty is the blossoming of undigested suffering.

NECESSITY IS THE INVENTION OF MY MOTHER.

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Rosie Hunter

Rosie Hunter To farm a crop that cannot reproduce is to plant the seeds of next year’s famine.

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Carmen Bugan

Carmen Bugan You are what you read, true, but can you also say that you are what you write?

It’s not true that if you scream at your children harder than they scream at you will make them take notice!

Solitude is a bad companion.

Greed spoils decency.

Those who have no learning also don’t have luck.

God save me from friends: I know to defend myself from enemies.

Give your children the seven years from home.

The worm loves the beautiful apple.

What good is advice if you can't ignore it?

In marriage it is good to be blind a lot of the time.

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Nik Abnett

Nik Abnett The point of the writer is the reader.

Always eat more things with no legs and one leg than you eat with two legs and four legs, and never eat anything with three legs unless it’s your husband.

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Darrell Barnes

Darrell Barnes On the absence of port and closure of the Buttery at the Summer Reunion 28th June 2014 To love the Hall we always ought: Floreat Aula’s drunk in port.

Those who drink its health in wine should pay a sconce or other fine, whilst closure of the college bar is tantamount to Act of War! On dental aggression at the Football World Cup 2014 Soccer stars who use their teeth should be shunned and held beneath contempt. Uphold fair play or go and live in Uruguay.

On Boisterous Behaviour on the Field of Play Ours is not to reason why there’s so much fuss in Uruguay over Luis Suarez’ ban.

For God’s sake let us give the man the benefit of doubt: he tripped and from his mouth enamel slipped to bite a player on the shoulder.

You will find, as you grow older, you’ve much less time for guys who shriek “Ooh! He’s bit me on the cheek!” or “Ref! He punched me in the rib!” (or other body parts ad lib).

Your country’s cap is quite an honour but not if you’re a prima donna.

So, soccer stars, heed this (and more): all is fair in love and war.

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Darrell Barnes

On Learning to Play the Piano Those funny marks show you the key, and the notes run from A up to G. Well, tinkle away and on a clear day with luck you’ll find middle C On the Changed Circumstances of Rolf Harris It captivated me and you, that wacky thing, the didgeridoo.

We laughed with Rolf, the comic clown: see him tie his kangaroo down!

Everybody’s Ozzie pet, the toast of Britain’s arty set!

What a talent! What a star!

Today our feelings shock and jar; sickening disgust unfurls at what he did to little girls.

However high your star has risen, your past misdeeds will lead to prison On Rafael Nadal being knocked out of Wimbledon Who’d have thought it? What a hoot!

Raf Nadal has got the boot!

Losing by three sets to one, now the No. 2 seed’s gone, beaten by a rank outsider whom no-one knows. Woe betide a champ who seeks to keep his crown: the only exit route is down.

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Darrell Barnes

On Andy Murray being knocked out of Wimbledon Dear, oh dear! Whatever next?

This outcome wasn’t in the text: Murray out, one set to three, losing to Dimitrov G. A sense of deepest shock profound settles over Murray Mound; fans and groupies traipsing home, burdened by a sense of gloom.

Now get a grip! Chin up! Good cheer!

He’ll have another chance next year: perhaps he’ll win, perhaps he’ll lose (either way he’ll look morose).

However high his rank or fame, Wimbledon is just a game.

Taking part’s what counts the most it matters not who won or lost.

On the Naming of HMS Queen Elizabeth 4th July 2014 Epaulettes and scrambled egg, Dave and Ed (no sign of Clegg) doesn’t everyone look swell?

Used the Bentley - just as well: little sunshine, lots of wind (nearly blew One’s hat orff, mind).

Business jargon - what a bore: do they speak like this ashore?

One sings a hymn - what shall it be?

“For Those In Peril On The Sea.” Oh hurry up! Do please get on!

Philip’s medals weigh a ton.

Crack the bottle, not champagne: that’s for merchant ships, ’tis plain when One christens men of war the only choice is usquebaugh.

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Darrell Barnes

On the Conviction of Andy Coulson Oh, how we loved to hear the views of WAGS and slebs and other news: it tittled us on Sunday morn to read this kind of puerile porn.

But then at last we found out how reporters working for the NoW could hack into a mobile phone.

The claim that it was just a lone undercover rogue fell flat (we thank the CPS for that); and was it reckless, mad or brave that Coulson should be hired by Dave to work his wonders with the Press?

The trial’s over - what a mess!

Before you rub your hands with glee, spare a thought for Andy C: the man’s an out and out disgrace but would you do it in his place, or are your standards pure and higher?

Think twice before you play with fire.

Harry Barnes (no relation), my German tutor, told us once that “you cannot change the world by action, only by contemplation”, words which have exercised my mind ever since.

These sentences appeared under the heading Good Advice for all People and were written in the farm ledger of one of my ancestors: Keep good company or none; never be idle. If your hands cannot be usefully employed, attend to the cultivation of your mind.

If anyone speaks ill of you, let your life be so that none will believe him.

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Darrell Barnes

Make no haste to be rich if you would prosper; small and steady gains give competency with tranquillity of mind.

When men declare that the world is growing worse, in nearly every instance you will find that they are helping to make it so.

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Richard Hunt

Richard Hunt The absence of port or other drink, May drive a fellow to the brink, But to make a rhyme of war and bar, Surely is a step too far! (composed in response to Darrell Barnes’ On the absence of port and closure of the Buttery at the Summer Reunion 28th June 2014) Always strive for imperfection: it is easier to attain.

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Tony Brignull

Tony Brignull On coming from a good family My father, the prince, said: Do what is right and good, but if you have to choose, choose the good.

Leave your wisdom at a friend’s door like a meal.

Don’t stand over him and watch him eat.

True class has little to do with money or birth but much to do with courtesy.

Find what you value most in the world then give it to someone who needs it more.

Best if your last words on this earth are “thank you.”

Better if your first words each morning are “thank you.”

Before you say any other words at all, ask, are they better than “thank you.”

(By “better” my father always meant more useful to others.)

Better an insincere thank you letter than no thank you at all.

If you say thank you for everything you’re given you’ll have no time for complaints.

My father, the prince, speaking of aristocracy, said best not to speak of aristocracy but of generosity: 21

Tony Brignull

it is not always better to give than to receive but it's important to to do both with equal grace.

The most valuable thing you can give is your attention.

Look with your ears, listen with your eyes.

Listen! Don’t simply wait for your chance to talk.

Before you eat, say grace silently to yourself. Mean it.

Never give advice unless you’re asked for it.

Even then, think twice.

At the end of you life you won’t ask how many millions you have in the bank, how many cars you own, how many books you've written but, “Did I love enough?”

Don’t wait 'til the end of your life to find out.

There’s many a fine fiddle played with an old beau.

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Notes on Contributors

Notes on Contributors Nik Vincent (Abnett) began working as a freelance editor, but has published work in a number of mediums including advertising, training manuals, comics and short stories. She has worked as a ghost writer, and regularly collaborates with her partner, Dan Abnett. She was runner-up for the Mslexia novel writing prize in 2012. Nik was educated at Stirling University, and lives and works in Maidstone, Kent. Her blog and website can be found at www.nicolavincentabnett.com and she tweets @N_VincentAbnett.

Darrell Barnes (1963) read Modern Languages and joined Barclays Bank DCO after leaving university. He worked in East Africa, Belgium, Netherlands, Switzerland and other places beyond Ultima Thule before concluding that the rewards of work were vastly inferior to the those of working in the voluntary sector in various capacities. He lives in Putney where he once rowed - alas, no longer.

Tony Brignull joined an insurance company at the age of seventeen, then did National Service with the RAF in Germany 1956 - 58. After a spell as a trainee teacher in Dalston, he worked in the advertising industry, responsible for successful campaigns such as Parker, Birds Eye and Cinzano. After retirement in 1996 he wrote poetry and stories, winning a couple of national contests and one international competition; and in 2002 he went to St Edmund Hall to read English, followed by an MA at King's College London, specialising in Life Writing.

Carmen Bugan was born in Romania and has lived in the US, Ireland, England, and France writing poems about memory and politics. She has a doctorate from Balliol College, Oxford. Her publications include a monograph entitled Seamus Heaney and East European Poetry in Translation: Poetics of Exile, two collections of poems, Crossing the Carpathians and The House of Straw, and a memoir, Burying the Typewriter: Childhood Under the Eye of the Secret Police.

Tom Clucas read English at St Edmund Hall and recently completed his DPhil on Cowper and Wordsworth.

Stuart Estell read English at St Edmund Hall in the mid-90s and is a founder member of the Hall Writers' Forum. His novel Verruca Music was published by 23

Notes on Contributors

Eight Cuts Gallery Press in 2011, and he has recently completed a new volume of poetry entitled End of the Season.

Richard Hunt (1963) read Modern Languages and then tried to use them in the tourism industry. He decided Los Angeles was not the place for that so joined Midland Bank and retired from HSBC 35 years later, having made a reputation as the office cynic. He now lives in Bromley, Kent, in a house large enough for boomerang children and growing grandchildren to visit; is active in the local U3A; and manages the website of his Pensioners’ Association.

Jude Cowan Montague is a writer and artist from London. She has worked as an archivist on the Reuters and ITN video collections and has published poetry relating to news agency video. She is working on her third collection The Wires, 2012 about international news stories to be published by Dark Windows Press.

She is also a musician and composer.

Lucy Newlyn has taught English at St Edmund Hall for the last thirty years. She has published widely on English Romanticism, and edited a number of poetry anthologies. Her first collection of poems, Ginnel, was published with Carcanet in 2005; and her second, Earth's Almanac, will be published by Enitharmon in 2015.

She is Literary Editor of The Oxford Magazine.

Rod Tweedy (1987) completed his DPhil at Oxford on the poet Shelley’s interest in contemporary science and natural philosophy. He is the author of The God of the Left Hemisphere: Blake, Bolte Taylor and the Myth of Creation, an exploration of William Blake’s work in the light of recent neuroscience. He is currently editor of Karnac Books, a Trustee of the Blake Society, and an enthusiastic supporter of the user-led mental health organisation, Mental Fight Club.

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The Blake Society

The Blake Society The Blake Society honours and celebrates the life and work of William Blake, engraver, poet, painter and prophet. Formed in 1985, it aims to bring together scholars and enthusiasts, amateurs and professionals, radicals and mystics. Past events and projects have included readings and recordings of Blake texts with Philip Pullman; walking tours of Blake’s “Fourfold” London; outreach projects with Kids Company and London Zoo; practical workshops in the art of illuminated printing; commissioning new settings for Blake poems, and innovative writing projects such as the ‘New Proverbs of Hell’ aphorism competition judged by Stephen Fry - which the Hall Writers’ Forum has responded to with such extraordinary exuberance and beauty. The present collection of aphorisms, epigrams, and proverbs is a marvellous embodiment of this collective vision - a truly wonderful celebration of HWF creativity!

For more information about the Blake Society and its current projects, which include an ambitious crowdfunding campaign to try and buy Blake’s cottage in Felpham for the nation, please visit www.blakesociety.org

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