Satire: Re: Michael Crow interviews

Addressing statements on behalf of the University president

By Claire Geare

Illustrations by Paulina Soto

Dear students of ASU,

It has come to our attention that some of our student body has taken issue with a few recent interviews conducted with University President Michael Crow. As an institution focused on including students of all backgrounds, it is our duty to address these concerns promptly.

First and foremost, let us clarify Crow’s statement on diversity, equity and inclusion at the University.

In an interview with The State Press, Crow stated that “We’ve never had DEI goals, but we’re more diverse than we’ve ever been ... That’s because we have a charter based on the idea of inclusion.”

This statement does not reflect the University’s commitment to providing a safe environment for all students, as we have incorporated DEI policies for years. Crow lying about it is simply our way of appeasing our country’s new dictator felon president. Who is awesome, by the way, and definitely does not have dementia and is absolutely not a puppet to a South African billionaire who shall not be named.

In an interview with radio station KJZZ, Crow said, “Well, I mean, our basic strategy is that we’re

regrouping to be of service to the new trajectories that the government wants to move in.” In case it wasn’t clear, bending to a fascist’s will is our new and completely acceptable philosophy we will use to run this institution. In fact, fascism rules! What’s not to love? We’re just so glad we’re going to be “of service” to the genocide of minority groups. 

Crow often says ASU admits all students who are “qualified.” In his interview with KJZZ, Crow said that ASU is “a completely merit-based, merit-driven, egalitarian university.” What some dissenters would argue is that in America as we know it right now, there is no such thing as egalitarianism — what “qualifies” a student for admission is heavily influenced by their socioeconomic status and access to education that prepares them for university.

But, to further clarify, we as a University believe that argument is bullshit. ASU has never once fallen victim to the rigid class system we live under. After all, President Crow is a white man, and thus immune to all bias.

To prove that we are still upholding our charter, we would like to take this time to officially voice our support for the queer students at our institution. ASU offers plenty of resources to help the LGBTQ+ community and aims to include as diverse of a student body as possible. We would attach links below to these resources, but we’ve deleted them!

We’d also like to emphasize a certificate offered through the University — Diversity and Equity

Studies. Despite our recent actions, we do still offer this program to all students. Just... don’t use it. Seriously. Do not implement the knowledge gained through this course in your professional life. Unless you want to get fired.

All this is to say that ASU is committed to equity inclusion words you can’t say anymore at our institution. Just ignore what our president says. And the actions we take. And the whole bending-at-the-knee-to-fascism thing. We’re fine!

Regards,

ASU’s Struggling PR Team