Thursday 02/13/20

LOVE + SE X

How apps have changed dating Online dating establishes new norms in forming relationships PAGE 5 LOVE + SE X

Normalizing queerness ‘It’s even more remarkable how many more figures gay kids have to look up to now’ PAGE 7 LOVE + SE X

Q&A with student sugar baby ‘You gotta do what you gotta do to support yourself’ PAGE 11

LOVE + SEX EDITION MSU PICKS TUCKER Former Colorado football coach Mel Tucker will be MSU’s next head man Read more on page 2 and online at statenews.com T H U R S DAY, F E B RUARY 13, 2020

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Meet MSU’s next head football coach

By Elijah McKown and Chase Michaelson emckown@statenews.com cmichaelson@statenews.com After a long search, Michigan State football has found its new coach in Mel Tucker, the former Colorado coach.

The hire was made official Wednesday when it was unanimously approved by the Board of Trustees at the Hannah Administration Building. Tucker was introduced later Wednesday at a press conference at Breslin Center.

“Together, we will be relentless to crate an integrity-filled and winning culture for our staff, coaches and student-athletes in everything we do — on and off the field,” Tucker said in a university press release.

After former coach Mark Dantonio’s retirement, Tucker was contacted by the MSU athletic department, but initially turned down the chance for an interview. The Athletic reports that MSU will more than double the 48-yearold’s current $2.7 million salary at Colorado and significantly increase his budget for assistants and strength and conditioning coaches.

In his one season as coach of the Buffaloes, Tucker led his team to a 5-7 record and brought in the 35th-ranked 2020 recruiting class, per 247 Sports. He has a reputation as a recruiting ace, as that 2020 Colorado class has recruits from locations as disparate as Mississippi, Massachusetts, Arizona and Australia.

The Cleveland native was a Rose Bowl-winning defensive back for Wisconsin from 199194 before beginning his college career. He is

New head football coach Mel Tucker (center) enters the boardroom at Hannah Administration before being approved by Michigan State’s Board of Trustees on Feb. 12. PHOTO BY MATT ZUBIK

one of just 13 African-American head coaches at the Football Bowl Subdivision, or FBS, level, and is the second African-American coach to patrol the sidelines at Spartan Stadium, after Bobby Williams did so from 1999-2002.

Tucker has Michigan State ties as he was a graduate assistant from 1997-1998 under current Alabama coach Nick Saban.

“I learned everything, I did everything,” Tucker told The Athletic’s Max Olson at Pac-

12 media days in July, of his brief stint in East Lansing 20-plus years ago. “That was back when the staff was small. There were two GAs on offense and two GAs on defense and that was it. Mark Dantonio was the defensive backs coach. So I was working with Nick and Mark in the secondary on the defensive side of the ball. And all of the coaches, for some reason, they kinda took to me and kinda took care of me.”

The ties to Dantonio and Saban continued past East Lansing. When Saban left to coach LSU in 2000, he brought Tucker along as his defensive backs coach for a season. When Dantonio became defensive coordinator under Jim Tressel at Ohio State in 2001, he hired Tucker to be his defensive backs coach. Tucker won a national championship with the Buckeyes in 2002.

Tucker also has an NFL background, serving as a defensive coordinator for the Cleveland Browns in 2008, Jacksonville Jaguars from 2009-11 and Chicago Bears from 2013-14.

Tucker took over as the interim coach of the Jaguars in 2011, when coach Jack Del Rio was fired, and garnered a 2-3 record.

After his stint in the NFL, Tucker returned to college, and served as the associate head coach for Alabama in 2015, winning another national championship, and then became defensive coordinator at Georgia for three seasons before leaving to coach Colorado.

For more news on Tucker and MSU football visit statenews.com.

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LOV E + S E X

‘Establishing their independence’: Experts, students weigh in on college dating culture

By Wendy Guzman wguzman@statenews.com Young adults — arguably in their social and physical peaks — are grouped together for four years to obtain degrees. In the midst of this newfound independence, college students often find themselves entertained by the inevitable – dating each other.

“College is a time of multiple high-impact transitions,” clinical and community psychologist and psychoanalyst Mark B. Borg said. “Dating brings to the forefront the main needs associated with being the social creatures we humans are – the need to belong and the need to differentiate.”

Students don’t necessarily go into college with dating expectations, but the situation they are in sometimes leads them to it.

“I had family and friends tell me, ‘Don't go into college like dating someone because you're gonna meet so many other people,’” supply chain management sophomore Julia Lower said. “So that was my idea. I didn’t have the intention of wanting to start dating someone as soon as I got (to college).”

Lower and her boyfriend, business sophomore Zack Talovich, met while living next door to each other in McDonel Hall at Michigan State last year. After months of on-and-off talking, the two became official July 2019.

“I still knew there were a ton of people and

Sophomore creative advertisement major, Victoria Pierce, right, and junior advertising management major, Evan Shaffer, left, photographed at a playground in East Lansing on Feb. 12. PHOTO BY ALYTE KATILIUS

whatnot, but him and I just clicked,” Lower said.

Whether that’s their intention or not, college students end up in relationships as a way to explore their independence, Borg said.

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“Young adults in college are just learning who they are and are establishing their independence,” Beth Sonnenberg, a relationship expert in New Jersey, said via email. “Having a boyfriend or girlfriend could give them self esteem, decrease loneliness and provide a source of extra support.”

However, dating in college adds another level to the responsibilities one has as a student.

“Dating is among the most compelling distractions to the actual attainment of maintaining the attention, concentration and commitment often associated with — if not required to — obtain a college degree,” Borg said. “Much more so if the college student hopes to maintain the GPA to go on to grad school.”

Sometimes students find themselves too distracted by their social lives to focus on school.

This is not the case for everyone, but some students choose not to date at all in college, or do not actively seek it.

“I assumed that people are dating a lot more often than I thought,” business sophomore Alex Abbott said. “I honestly do see it as good, but at the same time, I’ve seen so many relationships just crumble. ... It’s unfortunate, but it’s just true that in college ... There’s so many weird things.”

Since he is not currently in a relationship, Abbott said he observes the college dating scene as an outsider.

“I know personally that my friends that are currently dating, I just feel like a lot of times they miss out on opportunities because, depending on who they’re dating, (it) can be kind of controlling,” Abbott said. “I guess in a stressful atmosphere it can go the other way as well, where the relationship can be heavily stressed on hanging out a lot.”

Borg said college dating is like an experiment ran by the hormones in young adults who are simultaneously trying to discover themselves.

They are still unsure of what exactly they need and want from a relationship and use this time to explore.

Since college students hold many new responsibilities, they require a certain amount of maturity for their relationships. But since they are young adults, that maturity is not always there, Borg said.

“Even when they know what they want and need, they may not be good a communicating and expressing this to their partners,” Sonnenberg said.

Some young adults who reject relationships often find themselves dealing with “hookup culture,” which doesn’t explicitly attach emotions or dating rituals.

“Acting out is a term that simply means behavior becomes the expression of emotion so that uncomfortable feelings can be ‘acted out’ and thereby bypass awareness,” Borg said. “With all the anxiety of the transition to adulthood, the acting out of a hookup culture is often a way to be actively engaged (in) dating while being still able to balance other elements of college life.”

Many students agree that there is not necessarily anything wrong with hooking up, as long as both parties are on the same page. This can be a way for young adults to continue learning about what they need or want from relationships.

Another layer to dating in college is the pressure to maintain past relationships.

“I don’t think it’s fair to say all long-term relationships are bad,” Sonnenberg said. “It’s worth staying together if both partners feel that the other helps them to be their best selves and that they aren’t missing out on or taking away from the social activities and connections available around them.”

Environmental geosciences freshman Sara Snyder and business freshman Emily Chinoski began dating while in high school in 2017. The two started attending MSU this year, and even decided to room together.

“It’s been a good surprise,” Snyder said. “Everyone was telling me before we moved in together that we would get sick of each other and fight a lot and it might lead to the end of our relationship, but we’ve seen none of that and only bonded.”

Rather than it being a distraction, Snyder said being in a relationship has helped them adjust to living in college, making sure to spend time together while also giving each other space.

“Right now, we pretty much only get up at the same time no matter what time our classes are,” Snyder said. “We both have the morning together. And then we’ll meet for lunch, if we have time.

And then I’ll pretty much see her for dinner, and then we have the night together.”

When relationships transition into a college setting, couples often face new challenges, including long distance or just not having enough time for each other.

Business freshman Marina Ackerman said she began college while in a four-year relationship from high school, but they separated in October because of the long distance between MSU and the U.S. Military Academy in West Point.

“The first week of college I moved in, and I went back Labor Day weekend to work and to also see him because that was the first time he had been back in a while,” Ackerman said. “Leaving after seeing him after so long was weird because it was like, you’re doing long distance, you’re still texting but you haven’t seen each other.”

Borg said trying to latch on to these relationships can serve as a psychological defense against the transitional state they are in — it gives them familiarity in the new environment.

“When people keep up previous long distance (relationships) it is often because they care for their partner and are willing to maintain that connection cost what it may emotionally,” Borg said. “That is OK.” Ackerman said after witnessing a friend make a long-distance relationship work, she decided she wanted to try it out, but the time apart was too much to keep up.

“I think college, for everyone, is a time to grow and develop and try new things. ... I don’t have any high school memories without him,” Ackerman said. “In college, it was just different because it’s not as easy to do things together.”

Borg and Sonnenberg said they agree that if students can handle the pressure of school while also dating, there’s nothing to lose.

“If they can successfully balance the time required to be in (a) relationship with their other priorities and the (benefits) of being a couple outweigh being single,” Sonnenberg said.

LOV E + S E X

How dating apps changed the game for forming relationships

By SaMya Overall soverall@statenews.com Dating apps changed dating culture in major ways, providing a new path to form relationships.

They’ve established new norms in romance by allowing people to address the four pillars of attraction – physical appearance, proximity, similarity and reciprocity — with a variety that wasn’t feasible in the past, said Elizabeth Dorrance Hall, a Michigan State assistant communications professor.

“Humans have a need to belong,” she said. “When we do not belong and we don’t feel valued and accepted by other people, we do not do so well mentally or physically. It’s part of our evolution that being in groups, we are better able to thrive. That’s completely still true today.”

Now, young adults are more hesitant to commit to long term relationships than generations prior, which means they are more likely to participate in casual inti-

mate relationships — such as friends with benefits — according to The New York Times.

“There’s more variety and more opportunity,” assistant professor of psychology William Chopik said. “A lot of people would only date people in their immediate vicinity or people they went to school with. But now, with a lot of mobile dating apps and online dating, those possibilities are enormous.”

It’s difficult to attribute this shift solely to the rise of dating apps or classify it as beneficial or detrimental, Chopik said.

“It’s unclear exactly why it’s happening,” Chopik said. “In one sense, being able to move in and out of relationships is really liberating. Fifty or 60 years ago, some people might’ve felt trapped in a relationship, like they couldn’t get divorced or they couldn’t find a happier relationship.”

Ricky Su, marketing coordinator of SweetRing, agrees.

SweetRing is a dating app that matches people based on their

location and responses to generated icebreaker questions.

“In the past, it was really easy for people to think that they’ve (fallen) in love with each other, since it’s also not a popular move for women to date multiple guys,” Su said in an email. “This could explain the high divorce rate because after living together for a couple months or years, couples might have to realize that this is not the life that they’ve imagined.

However, dating apps today allow people to talk and date with different people so they’d have a better understanding of what they want, which will further reduce the divorce rate."

Other factors, such as prioritizing education and economic pressure, have contributed to the average martial age shifting to being later in life.

“We’re seeing across the board more people waiting,” Dorrance Hall said. “For example, in the 1950s, women were getting married when they were 20 on average, and now they're getting mar-

ried when they're 28 on average.

That’s a pretty big shift.”

Su said he believes the traditional method of going out and meeting people is slowly becoming obsolete.

“It is dying gradually because people nowadays do focus a lot on personal spaces,” Su said in an email. “We actually conducted a survey from our (users). Sixty-five percent of our male users had tried to ask for women’s phone (numbers) that they just met and only 17% succeeded.”

Dorrance Hall said there is an app for everyone, even those unaccustomed with using them, and some use dating apps as a protective tool.

“We’re doing the same thing that we would do if we met offline,” Dorrance Hall said. “It’s just giving us greater access and allowing us a little more protection by finding out a little more about this person before you engage in a whole meal with them ... You have a little bit more time to figure out who this person is.”

ABOVE PHOTO BY ANNIE BARKER

Going out to eat is a common first date and way for people to get to know each other. PHOTO BY ALYTE KATILIUS

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LOV E + S E X

I wrote a self-love letter and I think you should, too

By Katie O’Brien Kelley kkelley@statenews.com What I’ve learned over the years is that you are worthy no matter what type of relationship you are celebrating during Valentine’s Day, or any other day of the year. Some people celebrate it with a significant other.

Some celebrate it with friends. I en-

courage everyone to also take the time to celebrate it with themselves.

Self-love has been a hellish roller coaster for me. I’ve fallen in and out of love with myself too many times to count. But this year, I’m taking the time to recognize how important it is to love myself and all of the unique things about me. So, I wrote a selflove letter appreciating the complexity of myself.

And I think you should write one, too.

Illustration by Daena Faustino

Katie, You’re complex. Like, in a good way.

You always sit on the floor instead of sitting on the furniture. I guess it makes you feel more grounded — more connected to the earth.

You like to write songs in the candlelight and dance alone in your room.

You also like to sing. You try your best to be good.

You keep singing even though you’ve never been cast in a single musical you’ve auditioned for during your four years at Michigan State. And that’s good — you shouldn’t stop singing.

You’ve been told “no” so many times you’d think you’d become numb to the feeling of rejection, but it still hurts a little every time. Still, you push forward with dignity.

When it’s hard to exist in a room, you have to leave so you can breathe again, and that’s okay because it helps to get you back on track.

You’ve tried to find yourself over and over again. You’ve battled an eating disorder and so much more. You’ve been through many internal battles, but you’ve survived every one of them. You’re really strong.

Most of the time, you can’t find the right words to say unless you write them down first. But you’re a writer, so it makes sense. And you’re a good one. You know that a lot of the stories you’ve written about the community have made an impact, and you should be proud of that.

You’ve been brave in telling your own stories, too. You’ve written your heart and soul out.

You’re a dreamer. Sometimes you wish you weren’t because it’s really hard to maintain optimism. But one day, you’ll be happy you remained a dreamer through it all. You’re an Aquarius, girl.

You like to imagine. You’re unique.

You’ve come so far over the

years. You stand up for yourself in big and small ways when you feel it’s necessary.

A few years ago, you probably wouldn’t have stood up for yourself because you were afraid of the repercussions.

You were taught from a young age to be quiet, so you fell silent for a long time. But you now know of the power you possess — the power that was repressed for so long. You look up to so many women who have this same power.

You grew tired of trying to change yourself for other people long ago, so you don’t do it anymore. We don’t do that anymore. We throw out negative thoughts about our body, personality and everything else.

You try to find beauty in the mirror every day. You find a little more each time you look. That’s progress.

You’re loved. So many people forget that simple, essential fact — that you’re loved by so many people. Your family and friends love you to

Looking for something fun to do this

Valentine’s season?

Try ice skating with your friends and family at Munn Ice Arena!

bits, and you’re so grateful for them.

Yes, people have walked out of your life many times before for unknown reasons, but you’ve grown to understand that those people aren’t worth your time or the pain and heartbreak.

You met your best friend when you were lost in the Auditorium during your first week of college classes. This is a moment you’ll never forget and it reminds you all the time that, even when you’re lost, you can find amazing things.

You’re single, and you’re proud of it. You don’t care how many Valentine’s Days go by with you being single because you find love and happiness in so many other things. You don’t need a relationship to validate you, and you want everyone to know that. Also, you’d much rather celebrate “Galentine’s Day” or “Palentine’s Day” — which also happens to be your birthday — to celebrate friends, family and yourself.

You have a black cat, and you like the number 13. You were born on Friday the 13th and joke around about how that means you’re unlucky.

But you know you’re not.

You’re so lucky and worthy, and you wish you could tell your younger self that.

You hope no one feels like they’re alone in their journey to self-discovery and self-love.

You’ve been on this journey for a while, and you still have a way to go. But, girl, you’ll do great things. You already are doing great things.

Love, Katie

PHOTO BY MATT SCHMUCKER

A Single’s Guide to Valentine’s Day

By Emily Bevard and Kaishi Chhabra ebevard@statenews.com kchhabra@statenews.com

Don’t you just hate it when the month of February hits and everything turns red and pink in the spirit of love? No matter where you go, heart-shaped decorations are plastered all around, making you shake your head and roll your eyes.

What’s the point of Valentine’s Day anyway?

Sure, you get flowers or chocolates, but it’s guaranteed I’d kill the flowers within a week. Plus, I can (and I do) buy myself chocolates any day of the week. So do we really have to be sad and lonely on the day most people celebrate love, or can we consider being single a blessing in disguise?

You can decide that for yourself. What I can tell you is how to not only survive, but also enjoy the day you’ve been dreading. Whether you recently turned single or have always prided yourself on being independent of relationship drama, this guide is for you.

Movies with some Ben & Jerry’s: Let’s face it, no significant other can be more important than ice cream. Plus, most of the memorable Valentine’s dates end up being the ones where you stay in watching Netflix anyway. Do you really need to be in a relationship to watch “Titanic” or “The Shining”? If so, ice cream is your one true love — and you already know that.

Treat yourself: If Valentine’s Day is all about love, how about

showing some self-love? If you’ve been wanting to splurge on a piece from the recent Victoria’s Secret lingerie collection you’ve been eyeing or just on a bucket of chocolate, now is the right time. You don’t have to have a Valentine to enjoy Valentine’s Day shopping deals.

Spend the day your way:

This one is my favorite. Valentine’s Day literally has no rules. Don’t have a partner to spend the day with? A dog or cat make the perfect cuddle partners.

Don’t have any pets? Call up one of your friends and spend the day with them. No one’s stopping you from spending the day however you want. Galentine’s with your girls or guys, “Calentine’s” with cats or “Dalentine’s” with dogs — make it what you want it to be!

Go watch a game: Especially on campus, sports are always a

good option when you want to go out and have a fun time. This Valentine’s Day, Michigan State plays the University of Michigan in hockey. It’s the perfect opportunity to meet up with your buddies and watch a good rivalry while you root for your home team.

You don’t have to romanticize a single day: Relationships

do not necessarily make your life better. Sure, it might look fun from the outside, but not having someone around doesn’t have to mean anything, unless you apply meaning. Think of it this way, you’re saving money that others are spending to treat their partners and I see that as an absolute win. Which brings us to our next best thing to do …

Take a sigh of relief: No drama. No expectations. Just take a deep breath and relax! You don’t have to stress about planning the most romantic night for your partner or dread about not meeting the standards associated with that. Get those bath bombs out and take a long soothing soak as you sip from a glass of delicious wine.

Do nothing: Seriously, do nothing. No one said you have to do

something just because it’s a day with a name and not just a regular Friday. We get it, if you’re in a relationship, Valentine’s Day can be a super great time. All we’re saying is, if you’re spending the day single, it doesn’t have to feel any different than the other 364 days out of the year.

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LOV E + S E X

Making sense of how we love Normalizing bisexuality

By Tessa Osborne tosborne@statenews.com

Finding self-love in my role models

By Griffin Wiles gwiles@statenews.com Surrounded by thousands of people in the Royal Oak Music Theatre, for what my friends and I referred to as the “gay event of the year,” I was captivated by the performer on the stage.

King Princess, the musician, serenaded the sold-out room with resounding songs about her experiences as a queer person, and every single person in the venue danced along to the music and had a fantastic time.

It wasn’t until the post-concert debrief that I realized the concert may have been a pivotal moment for the young LGBTQ+ kids in attendance and their journeys to self-acceptance and self-love.

Growing up as a gay kid, I had few predominate figures that I could look up to or connect with, in terms of sexuality, especially when the boys in elementary school were calling me names that I didn’t understand. It was a very isolating experience — I had no gay people in my life, and the television shows and movies that I was watching every day did not have characters like me, and, if anything, only reinforced that heterosexuality was normal and, therefore, “right.”

The only LGBTQ+ people I remember seeing on the screen during elementary school were Carol and Brandy from the 16th season of “The Amazing Race” in 2010. I remember seeing the word “lesbians” beneath

their names when they were shown during the race and asking my mom what it meant. It was at that moment, at the age of nine, that I first learned about the LGBTQ+ community, and I learned that the term that my classmates were throwing around for me — “gay” — might actually be accurate.

Unfortunately, Carol and Brandy’s time on the show was cut short and showed them in an unfavorable light (they were deemed the “mean lesbians”), but I would soon find other representations of the gay community that helped me to realize that there’s nothing wrong with my sexuality.

Following the turn of the decade, gay characters began popping up in popular teen television shows like “Pretty Little Liars” and “The Fosters.”

Whoever let me listen to Lily Allen before I was even a teenager actually did me a favor and allowed me to associate that it was OK to be gay, and those who disagreed were “just evil.”

And then, my world changed when Lady Gaga released the gay anthem “Born This Way” in 2011.

That’s why so many gay men have such strong connections to music and pop culture — in a way, the pop stars often felt like the only people who were in our corner.

Now, as an adult, it is astounding how the celebrities I idolized have allowed me to feel more secure in my sexuality, identity and who I am — and it’s even more remarkable how many more figures young, gay kids have to look up to now.

Gay people can find support and meaningful messages in many different ways, not just in flashy, upbeat pop music. Television shows and movies like “Riverdale” and the “Star Wars” franchise have introduced LGBTQ+ characters into the mainstream. Frank Ocean and Tyler, the Creator rank among artists who use

“Gay people can now find support and meaningful messages in many different ways, not just in flashy upbeat pop music.” their platforms to advocate for the gay community in rap music. Kacey Musgraves stood by us as an ally in the country music scene. Other notable “gay icons” and allies, like Billy Porter, Adam Rippon and Laura Dern, assist in building a community where gay folks can feel secure and meaningful, especially when they may not feel so great in their school or home environment.

I speak from experience when I say that it’s hard to love yourself when it feels like you are inferior to your heterosexual peers. However, the surge of representation and support from notable figures in pop culture that I’ve seen in the past ten years has significantly helped a countless number of gay people — especially me — in finding the self-love we deserve to have.

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Bisexuality is being attracted to more than one gender.

I grew up around the queer community. Nearly all of my friends were queer and the people I followed on social media were, too — whether that was intentional or not.

There was never a moment where I felt like being queer was wrong. Instead, I got the sense that being bisexual was.

There always seemed to be a stigma surrounding bisexual people, that they’re weird, kinky, liars, and cheaters — I think it’s hard for people to conceptualize bisexuality because it’s not one way or another. People seem to want to label bisexual people as just gay or just straight.

In the queer community, I often experience bisexual erasure when people refer to my girlfriend and I as “the lesbians.” This makes me uncomfortable because I am not a lesbian. Queer spaces can be very exclusionary towards bisexuals, which makes some — especially bisexual people dating members of the opposite sex — feel invalid and not welcome there.

Sometimes, I hear both straight and queer people — when trying to find out if

someone else is queer — say something along the lines of, “Yeah, they’re bi, but they’re dating (insert opposite gender),” which perpetuates stereotypes surrounding bisexuals. This statement infers that someone’s sexuality isn’t valid if they’re not, in that moment, dating someone of the same gender — so they must be faking. Little things like this push against bisexual pride and deter people from feeling comfortable with identifying as such.

I personally try to be a healthy representation of bisexuality, despite my inner biphobia that society has given me. I hope to validate my bisexual peers so they can feel confident in their sexuality, too — especially when day-to-day bisexual attraction can fluctuate just like anyone else. It helps me be strong in the fluidity that is my sexuality and help others know that just because one day they find men more attractive than women, doesn’t mean they’re all of a sudden straight — despite what society is making us think.

I’m comfortable with my sexuality and love the fluidity of being bisexual. I get to love anyone and everyone, and that makes the world a lot more exciting.

Originally Directed on Broadway by James Lapine Orchestrations by Jonathan Tunick

DIRECTED BY DERIC MCNISH CHOREOGRAPHED BY ALISA HAUSER MUSIC DIRECTION BY DAVE WENDELBERGER

FEBRUARY 14 - 23 , 2020 FAIRCHILD THEATRE

T H U R S DAY, FE BRUA RY 1 3, 2020

STATEN EWS.CO M

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LOV E + S E X

COLUMN: Long-distance relationships are worth it

By Wells Foster wfoster@statenews.com Loving someone who’s more than 700 miles away can be tough. It can cause you to miss them constantly. It can be draining. It can cause you to be touch-starved. It can cause anxiety. It can cause stress.

It can also be entirely worth it.

My girlfriend lives around Providence, Rhode Island. I live in Lansing, Michigan.

We met online through a group of mutual internet friends and bonded over our love of cats, “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” and Chinese food.

We didn’t initially start talking with romantic intentions. She knew I was in Michigan and I knew she was in Rhode Island. The thought never crossed our minds in the beginning.

But life doesn’t always go the way you’d expect, and one year and two weeks ago, my girlfriend and I started dating.

We made a plan to try and see each other at least once a month, and so far, that’s held up. By the time this is published, I will be in

Rhode Island with her for Valentine’s Day. It’s a great relationship, and I think, ultimately, the distance has made us a stronger couple.

I won’t lie and say it’s always been easy.

The biggest hurdle a long-distance relationship, or LDR, faces is how to handle “minor emergencies.”

A “minor emergency” is pretty much what it sounds like, an emergency or unexpected event that emotionally or physically affects someone in a negative way. Normally when a minor emergency occurs to someone’s partner, they would be able to physically be present to comfort the affected loved one.

Here’s an example: Let’s say your partner got a bad grade on a project they worked extremely hard on and was distraught. In a traditional short-distance relationship, you can bring them some ice cream and a movie to cheer them up.

But in an LDR, you can’t really do that. It’s hard to justify spending $150 on a plane ticket and taking two days out of your week to fly there, comfort them and fly back. It’s not that you don’t care, it’s that you just really can’t do

that unless you’re extremely rich — and much to our dismay, neither of us are.

So, you have to find ways around that. Sometimes a phone call or FaceTime session can be an appropriate substitute. Sometimes it’s sending them flowers unexpectedly, or perhaps it’s sending them $10 over Venmo for coffee. Often, it’s just listening and acknowledging their feelings.

The distance can also be a good thing. The ways couples manage to get around the barriers of an LDR can be an unmatched bonding experience. It’s like solving a puzzle together. You put your two heads together and come up with an amicable solution. Think of it like one of those team-building exercises at work — but for relationships.

Finding ways to spend time together while physically apart can lead to new hobbies.

We decided to play “Stardew Valley” together online. My girlfriend never really played video games, but I play them regularly. She discovered she enjoys fun, lighthearted video games that make us laugh. Shout-out to “Untitled Goose Game.”

LDRs can also lead to the discovery of new

places and cultures. You’d be surprised how different New England is from Michigan.

Whenever I go out there, I learn something new about the land, the people and the food.

I absolutely adore New England now, and I don’t think I would have discovered my new happy place if it wasn’t for this girl who lives 700 miles away.

Like traditional couples, each LDR is different. Some couples won’t be able to afford monthly visits. I know we wouldn’t be able to if it weren’t for our parents’ generous support. Some things that might work for some LDRs might not work for others. If you ever find yourself in an LDR, focus on what works best for your relationship. Do what makes you happy.

I miss my girlfriend daily. It’s a struggle, it can hurt, but when the plane lands and she’s at the airport holding a surprise hot chocolate for me, it all becomes entirely worth it.

COLUMN: ‘I fear spiders and commitment’

By Karly Graham kgraham@statenews.com

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Throughout my life, I’ve seen some pretty intense relationships. I saw my own parents and my friends’ parents fight. I saw people who claimed to be in happy relationships yell at one another, and I thought that all relationships were like that.

I got scared.

I thought all relationships had to be tinged with a little bit of pain and suffering. I thought it was the norm, and I thought all relationships were destined to fail because they would all reach a breaking point and come to an end. That thought terrified me.

It still does, but now, I have seen relationships grow stronger from hardship and I have seen amazing couples thrive the longer they’re together. My fear isn’t that all relationships are terrible and end, but that some are that way, and I want to avoid experiencing that.

Let’s get one thing straight, I don’t think I’ve ever been in a “real” relationship. Sure, I had a boyfriend in high school, but he was older than me, so while he was at college 10 hours away, I was just sending him updates via text and calling it a relationship.

I dated another boy for a little while before my senior year of high school, but when things got a bit too intense for me around a month in and I decided I couldn’t handle it anymore, he sent me, “i love u karly” over Snapchat.

This was the first time I really sat down and thought, “I’m never doing that again.”

Love is such a huge word, and to have it sent to me — sans capitalization, sans spelled out words, sans good timing — was terrifying. I decided I wasn’t capable of love, and anytime anyone showed any interest in

me, I struggled to even consider a relationship because I didn’t want to waste my time.

The times I sent my dear friends “I want a boyfriend” texts became few and far between, usually only coming up during late nights when I couldn’t fall asleep. Recently, I’ve been feeling needy so my friends have gotten them pretty often, but I am a little bit convinced that if someone I show interest in reciprocates the feeling, I’ll cower and return to my state of fear.

It’s not that I don’t want to find love or happiness with someone, it’s just that I’m not sure my phobia will allow me to.

Within the span of two months, I watched two of my closest friends go through intense, life-changing processes. One got married to her boyfriend of four years, and one broke up with hers after a year and a half.

T he t wo situations are intensely different. One found happiness, love and family with her significant other. One lost a relationship that she gave her all to for 18 months.

The fear that the latter instilled in me overpowered the positive emotions I felt when I watched my friend get married.

If someone could break up with someone as amazing as my friend, how could I ever be in a relationship and find someone who would love me unconditionally? How could I trust that I wasn’t wasting my time with someone? How could I know that if I welcomed a relationship into my life, I wouldn’t regret it? How could I know that I wouldn’t end up crying on a futon, or another piece of uncomfortable but inexpensive furniture?

Even when I like someone, I get a little bit scared. When I want to tell my friends stories about them, I refuse to say their name because then it “becomes too real.” I’d rather call them vague nicknames so people are never really sure about who I’m talking about — which ultimately just makes them figures in my mind, rather than real people. One time, I even forgot one of their names because I refused to refer to him as such for so long. Sorry, Josh.

My fear of commitment is really weird. I want attention and validation because of my self-esteem issues, but when a guy shows genuine interest in me, and just me, the pressure hits.

What if I do something that ends up hurting them? What if I fall out of love? Or what if they fall out of love with me?

My mindset around commitment has become a big part of my life, so much so that my Twitter bio used to begin with, “i fear spiders and commitment.” That said, I have since swapped out commitment for “low-rise jeans,” because while I don’t think I fear them enough to write a column about them, low-rise jeans are terrifying.

It’s not the worst, because I don’t have to buy a gift for anyone this Valentine’s Day, and I don’t have to plan dinners or get dolled up for dates.

So where does that leave me?

Alone on Valentine’s day, but where else? Scared I’ll never find love or joy. Scared I’ll never live in a two-income household, meaning I’ll have to pay rent alone on a journalist’s salary my whole life. Scared I’ll have to cook for myself every single night.

But mostly scared I’ll never get any tax breaks.

LOVE + SEX

Junior forward Xavier Tillman, wife prepare to welcome son to family

RELIGIOUS DIRECTORY Stay up to date at: www.statenews.com/religious

All Saints Episcopal Church 800 Abbot Rd. (517) 351-7160 Sun. Worship: 8am, 10am, & 5pm Sunday School: 10am www.allsaints-el.org Ascension Lutheran Church 2780 Haslett Road East Lansing (517) 337-9703 Sunday worship: 10:00am Sunday Bible study: 8:45am Thursday Bible study: 2:00pm www.ascensioneastlansing.org

Tamia Tillman, wife of junior forward Xavier Tillman (23), kisses her daughter, Ayanna Tillman, 2, during the second half of the NCAA Final Four game against Texas Tech at US Bank Stadium in Minneapolis on April 6, 2019. The Spartans lost to the Red Raiders 61-51. STATE NEWS FILE PHOTO

By Jayna Bardahl jbardahl@statenews.com Family life is nothing new for junior forward Xavier Tillman. He and his wife Tamia have been married since May 2019, and the two raise their three-year-old daughter, Ayanna, better known as Yanni, together.

But any day now, another piece will be added to their family puzzle, a son.

“I’ve found a good balance, it’s pretty good right now, but obviously when he comes out we will see how I handle it, if I have bags under my eyes at the game or something like that,” Tillman said, laughing. “I haven’t been overwhelmed in any aspect so far with school or with basketball or with my family.”

Tillman met Tamia, 23, in high school, and the two had their first daughter during Tillman’s junior year.

Michigan State coach Tom Izzo said Tillman’s situation is something he said he has never dealt with before. However, he said he has never seen Tillman’s extra family responsibilities stand in the way of his abilities as a player.

“He, too, has more than a few things on his plate. That is not normal and that doesn’t make it bad, it’s just the reality of what you have to deal with,” Izzo said. “I don’t question (Tillman) in any way, shape or form. He’s had a couple games where he has missed those shots and fumbled those balls ... but every day in practice he answers the bell, every game he’s answering the bell.”

The Spartan big has struggled lately, letting some easy layups slip away, costing his team some needed points, especially Feb. 1 at Wisconsin.

However, securing the Spartans’ 70-69 win at Illinois Feb. 11 with a slam that, in his words, “let all my anger out on the rim,” brought back the energy he’s known to bring to the court.

For the Grand Rapids native, he said Tamia plays a big role in his collegiate balancing act.

“My wife is doing a great job because she doesn’t pressure me,” Tillman said. “(Instead of) ‘Hey, can you come home instead of put up extra shots?’ she’s like, ‘No, go put up extra shots and we will be here when you get home.’

She definitely helps me in that aspect to where I know I can go and work out and not feel the

Crossway Multinational Church 4828 Hagadorn Rd. (Across from Fee Hall) (517) 917-0498 Sun: 10:00am crosswaymchurch.org Greater Lansing Church of Christ 310 N. Hagadorn Rd. (Meet @ University Christian Church) (517) 898-3600 Sun: 8:45am Worship, 10am Bible Class Wed: 1pm, Small group bible study www.greaterlansing coc.org Hillel Jewish Student Center 360 Charles St. (517) 332-1916 Shabbat – Services@ 6pm / dinner @ 7, September–April www.msuhillel.org instagram: @msuhillel

Junior forward Xavier Tillman (23) catches an alley-oop during the game against Michigan Feb. 8, 2020 at Crisler Center. The Spartans fell to the Wolverines, 77-68. PHOTO BY MATT SCHMUCKER

pressure to run home and see them because she knows that I’m putting in work for them.”

According to Tillman and Tamia’s Instagram accounts, their son, who Tamia recently referred to as “Baby Zay,” in a post, is due this month.

Right in time for the busiest part of MSU’s season, Izzo said his main focus is being there for Tillman as a supporter both in the game and in his life.

“As far as (Tillman) goes, that one’s out of my hands,” Izzo said, half joking, half serious.

“I’ll have a game plan for him but ... I won’t be involved in anything but trying to help Xavier (Tillman) deal, cope and move forward. He’s handling it very well, it’s just not something I’ve gone through very often, or never, so we’ll be alright with that.”

T HURSDAY, F EBRUA RY 13, 2020

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The Islamic Society of Greater Lansing 920 S. Harrison Rd. (517) 351-4309 Friday Services: 12:15-12:45pm & 1:45-2:15pm For prayer times visit www.lansingislam.com/ Martin Luther Chapel Lutheran Student Center 444 Abbot Rd. (517) 332-0778 Sun: 10:30am & 7pm Wed: 7pm Mini-bus pick-up on campus (Fall/Spring) www.martinluther chapel.org The People’s Church Multi-denominational 200 W Grand River Ave. (517)332-6074 Sun. Service: 10:30am with free lunch for students following worship ThePeoplesChurch.com Riverview Church- MSU Venue MSU Union Ballroom, 2nd Floor 49 Abbot Rd. (517) 694-3400 Sun. Worship: 11:30am-ish www.rivchurch.com St. Paul Lutheran Church (ELCA) Worship with us on Sundays at 10am 3383 E. Lake Lansing Rd 517-351-8541 www.stpaul-el.org officemanagerstpaul el@gmail.com

St. John Catholic Church and Student Center 327 M.A.C Ave. (517) 337-9778 Sun: 8am, 10am, Noon, 5pm, 7pm M,W: 5:30pm T & Th: 8:45pm F: 12:15pm www.stjohnmsu.org University Christian Church 310 N. Hagadorn Rd (517) 332-5193 Sun. Bible Study: 10am Sun. Worship: 11:15am www.universitychristianwired.com University Lutheran Church (ULC) “We’re open in every way” 1120 S. Harrison Rd (517) 351-7030 Sun. Worship: 8:30am & 10:45am Fridays@Five: Dinner, discussion & fun 5pm Mon. Bible Study: 6:30pm @Wells Hall Quad www.ulcel.org Facebook: ULC and Campus Ministry University United Methodist Church 1120 S. Harrison Rd (517) 351-7030 Main Service: Sun: 11am in the Sanctuary Additional Services: NEW contemporary service Sundays at 9am with band titled ‘REACH’ TGiT (Thank God its Thursday): Thur: 8pm in the Chapel of Apostles universitychurchhome.org office@eluumc.org WELS Lutheran Campus Ministry 704 Abbot Rd. (517) 580-3744 Sat: 6:30pm msu.edu/~welsluth

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‘This is a family’: Lansing strip club employees fight stigma surrounding erotic dancing

By Sean Reider sreider@statenews.com On the east side of West Jolly Road in Lansing, nothing in particular makes the building stand out during the day. Only the dim neon lights fading in and out all around the perimeter make it stand out on a long stretch of fast food restaurants and gas stations at night.

But if one does pull into the parking lot tucked away from the road and venture into Deja Vu Showgirls in Lansing, it’s possible to find what security guard Cole Shadwell said is something more than what most people expect: a family.

“This is a family,” he said. “Everybody in here takes care of one another. ... This place is so much more than women just taking their clothes off. ... Everybody has each other’s backs.”

But it’s a family that has struggled against something more than the traditional infighting a tightknit bunch like this might deal with. The employees at Deja Vu Showgirls Lansing — security, boutique workers and showgirls — have weathered the strain of what they consider to be a stigma around their club and the entertainment they provide.

Shadwell said that the stigma is built around the perception of the experience, not the promo-

tion of sex or stripping.

“Sex isn’t the problem,” he said. “And selling sexual encounters ... whether it’s the actual encounter or just the interaction, there’s nothing wrong with it.”

“They all think that the interaction is negative, that it’s bad, it’s dirty, it’s grimy, you know, but it’s not. It couldn’t be farther from it,” he said.

When asked about the biggest problem within the sexual entertainment industry, boutique worker Ron Lezinski echoed Shadwell’s point.

“The only problem (in the industry) that needs to be addressed is the view of it,” he said. "There’s nothing wrong with this. Absolutely not a damn thing wrong.

Lezinski said he considers erotic dancing to be just as much a form of self-fulfillment for performers as it is a way to make money.

“It’s (psychologically) empowering,” he said.

“Men come here and give them money because they’re taking their clothes off and dancing a little bit. I mean, they’ll go out and they’ll work for hours and hours and hours and come here and drop $300 for a half an hour lap dance.”

For Shadwell, making money hasn’t been the most compelling part of said empowerment, he said, but it’s the feeling of conquered fears that has impressed him.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY ANNIE BARKER

“Every Thursday, we got girls that have never done anything like this come in,” he said. “And every single one of them, for the most part, are shy, are nervous, are incredibly scared to get up there and do that for the first time. But after they get up there and they do that for the first time, they have a whole new level of confidence.” “(The showgirls) almost have this Valkyrie-like glow to them after they’re done,” Lezinski said.

Rose, an entertainer at Deja Vu, said that disrespect of the profession distorts the everyday view of the showgirls.

“Strippers have a bad name, a bad rap, and these girls are normal girls,” she said. “You’ll see them out and about. They have daytime jobs, they have kids. ... They’re normal people.”

Another dancer, Winter, said that performers and prostitutes are confused far too often.

"Stripping is not what most people think it is,” she said. “There’s a difference between stripping

and prostitution. Girls who come here and dance for money are dancers, and then girls who sell other things are not dancers anymore.”

Winter added that communication is a good place to start in ending the stigma and confusion.

“I don’t know how the stigma could change because that stigma has been built over such a long period of time,” she said. “I think maybe more people should ... talk to us. ... Don’t be afraid to ask questions.”

Rose said she advocates for a more hands-on approach.

“Come in and try it once,” she said.

Displayed throughout the establishment is the slogan, "Sex is our business and we aim to please."

Lezinski said that slogan sums up the experience for him. "(It's) exactly as it sounds," he said. "Because, honey, I'm not here to judge. I’m just here to watch.”

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LOV E + S E X

Q&A: MSU student talks misconceptions, benefits of having a sugar daddy, selling pics

By Mila Murray mmurray@statenews.com Psychology senior Caitlyn has paid her way through college with the help of her sugar daddy — an older man she met online her freshman year at Michigan State with whom she's had an online-only relationship with for four years.

At one point, she was making $1,000 a week.

Caitlyn — whose name was changed to avoid judgement from relatives and future employers — discussed the benefits, challenges and misconceptions of having a sugar daddy as well as partaking in the social media trend of selling “feet pics.” She also offered advice to other students interested in trying it, too.

What made you want to find a sugar daddy?

Initially, I did it as kind of a joke. I didn’t realize how much money you could actually make finding a sugar daddy and going into selling pictures or different fetish industries. So I set up an account as a joke on this website called Pantydeal.com my freshman year in college, and within a couple hours, I had made $100.

So, I figured that I would just go with it. And I actually met my sugar daddy that first night on Pantydeal.

So this site that you started off on — your intention wasn’t to find a sugar daddy there, you just happened to find one?

So I actually first got the idea when I was watching “Orange is the New Black” my freshman year, and I saw that they were selling their underwear for huge amounts of money, and I was wondering if that was actually a thing. So I went online, did some research and I found that a bunch of people were making money off this and I thought, might as well try. I went on that website just hoping to see if I could make $5, $10, $15 at most — and I ended up finding a sugar daddy who helped me pay for the rest of my college. I’ve been communicating with the same sugar daddy for the past four years now.

It’s definitely been a really cool relationship and one that’s led me to stay in college and support myself through college.

How much money do you make from this in an average month, for example?

It really depends on how much you put into it. The first year I was doing this, I was definitely communicating with him every day so I was making the most amount of money. I think I was making at one point $1,000 a week. And then, I kind of started spending really crazily because I was making a ton of money when I should’ve been saving it. ... Now, I try not to do it as often, and I work other jobs too that take up a lot of my time.

Having a sugar daddy is actually a lot of work. A lot of people think that it’s easy, but it’s a lot of communication — it’s a relationship you have to maintain. So now, I only do it about once a month or once every two months so I only make maybe $200 a month or less.

What are some of the big misconceptions about having a sugar daddy?

A lot of people think it’s really easy to find a sugar daddy, but I think I was really lucky meeting (him) the first night. I’ve run into tons of people who’ve tried to scam me or just wanted to dirty talk online and never pay me or steal my identity information, and it can be really frustrating.

Also, there’s a lot of stigma to it. I feel like when I bring it up around girls, they’re a lot more accepting of it and a lot of them start doing it themselves after I’ve told them about it. But guys can be really judgmental with it — and sometimes people look at me differently or call me a slut or a whore for it. So yeah, there’s a lot of stigma around it for sure.

But I see it as a really practical way to put myself through college and pay my bills.

PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY ANNIE BARKER

It seems on social media that selling feet pics for money is a joke, but I’ve heard that it’s not easy.

Yeah, I sell feet pics to him too, sometimes. ... He has me paint my nails different colors, put on different sandals or shoes. I’ve sold him socks before, shoes before — really, there’s a market for anything out there on the internet.

I think the biggest misconception is that you’re going to find someone really easily to sell pictures of your feet to, but so many people ... will scam you and get you to send free pictures and never pay you or send you fake payment. ... A lot of my friends and I personally went into this kind of naive and thinking it’s going to be easy to do this, but it’s not.

Could you talk more about your relationship with this person, since you have had What’s your advice to othone sugar daddy for the last er students who are interfour years? ested in being sugar babies The reason I kept him and I or selling feet pics to make don’t look for a different sugar some extra cash? daddy is because we were able to form a really professional relationship almost because he didn’t ever make me feel threatened. Our relationship is strictly online, and he never made me feel like he was going to want to meet up with me in person or want to cross any of my boundaries or find out where I live or anything like that. It felt like a safe relationship for me.

I would say go for it. Start off on one of these websites that are reputable like Pantydeal ... or any of the big websites for fetish communities. Put yourself out there. Be wary of people trying to get you to send stuff without sending payment to you. And just know that there is a stigma to it, but you gotta do what you gotta do to support yourself. ... You should ignore the stigma and focus on what’s best for you.

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LOV E + S E X

First encounters: How alumni couples met

By Jack Falinski jfalinski@statenews.com Michigan State has been a matchmaker from the start.

Whether in a classroom, at a party or any other time and place on campus, every Spartan couple has a story about how they met.

Here are a few: Photo courtesy of the Kalinas

Bill and Janet Foster Class of 1994

“She comes rolling in with her beautiful hair and what not ... she says, ‘Is anybody sitting here?’”

This was the first time Bill Foster heard the voice of his wife, Janet.

After she sat next to him during their lab in the MSU College of Veterinary Medicine, Bill said they began to discuss their thoughts on creation and evolution while studying the 10 layers of the retina.

“Wow, she’s prett y and smart,” Bill said he remembered thinking.

Marc and Elizabeth Kalina Class of 2007

Photos courtesy of the Fosters

Janet said she thought he was easy to talk to.

“I just really felt like we had a connection,” she said.

The two said it was almost impossible not to see each other, since everyone was required to take the same classes.

“When you have (similar) struggles, you bond,” Janet said.

Bill and Janet said they've applied what they learned from bonding over their college struggles not only to being husband and wife, but to being partners at Fries Veterinary Clinic.

REACHING HIGHER

Photoes courtesy of the Boltons

Joe and Kim Bolton Class of 1995

During their freshman year, Joe and Kim Bolton both worked for The Office of Supportive Services, or OSS, at MSU. Joe worked at Hubbard Hall, while Kim worked at Shaw.

They met at an icebreaker event for work.

“She just kind of caught my eye, and I made it my mission in life to learn all about her,” Joe said.

Kim said Joe took her to Olga’s Kitchen for their first date.

She said they officially started dating at the beginning of their sophomore year and were married after graduation.

“We’ll be married 24 years

in August,” Kim said.

Their journey has recently brought them back to Michigan after living in Louisiana.

“We feel really fortunate to be so close to the university,” Kim said. “Every time I go, I feel a little spark — especially when I go along the Red Cedar or near Shaw or Hubbard. Just knowing that my life changed right there.”

Living in a residential college — like Marc and Elizabeth Kalina did their freshman year in James Madison College — guarantees that students will "make new connections and fast friendships that will last a lifetime," according to the MSU admissions website.

For the Kalinas, this is true.

“I met Marc because he was the roommate of my ex-boyfriend who was the only person I knew there,” Elizabeth said.

They initially were friends, but over time their relationship grew to be more.

“There eventually became a point where she was coming over to see me and not my roommate,” Marc said. “We were friends for a while, and then we were dating and then — I don’t know — we’re married.”

During their time as students at MSU, the Kalinas traveled.

They studied abroad in Thailand after their sophomore year, and went back the next year to do an internship.

“Travel together,” Marc said, as advice to current MSU couples.

Today, they live and work in South Africa while raising two children.

MARK DANTONIO and the Rise of MICHIGAN STATE FOOTBALL Pick up your own copy today for $39.95 (shipping included) statenews.com/dantonio Photos courtesy of Drew Davis and Morgan Vinstra

Drew Davis and Morgan Vinstra Class of 2019

Imagine going to MSU and dating Sparty. For Morgan Vinstra, this was her reality.

The former MSU cheerleader walked up to Sparty during the MSU vs. Indiana football game in 2016 to ask for a picture. However, she wasn’t doing it for Sparty — it was for the guy in the costume she thought was cute.

“I did not take it as flirting at all, because everyone asks that question,” said Drew Davis, who 12

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THU R SDAY, F EBRUA RY 13, 2020

was Sparty at the time.

In the days that followed, they started talking more. And after a couple of weeks, Vinstra was going to Davis’ hayride.

“We ended up hanging out all night,” Vinstra said. “We stayed up until 5 a.m. just telling each other our entire life stories.”

“We went from not knowing each other to knowing each other very well very quickly,” Davis said.

As sophomore year turned into senior year, the couple said they grew closer together by managing their respective

roles as cheerleader and mascot.

“Time management became a huge part of it,” Davis said.

“Just, finding time, making time. Always putting each other as a priority.”

Vinstra is now in graduate school completing an internship, and Davis works in sales.

They said they miss East Lansing and look back on their time there with fond memories of each other.

“He’s my best friend, and we’ve come a long way since t hat I U footba l l ga me,” Vinstra said.