Issuu

net

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in this issue:

newsletter

L etter from the E ditor S tacie H awes .......................................1 C ultivating S isterhood A imee C arrillo R owe .............................2

E ve

N ana A dankamah . ................................3 W elcome B oard M embers ! S tacie H awes .......................................4 S potlight on COSIA S tacie H awes .......................................6 O ut of the D arkness O vernight W alk V anya K oo ..........................................8 A n I nterview with D r . J ulie -A nn M ears M c F ann L ois R eddick ...................................... 11 H e S ays , S he S ays S tacie H awes & S hawn A lexander .......... 12 30 th A nniversary A sian / P acific . .......... A merican H eritage F estival S t Y ing H ua ....................................... 14 C osia C rafts F or A C ause E artha H icks ..................................... 15 2009 R etreat and A nnual C onference S tacie H awes ..................................... 17 2010 R etreat and A nnual C onference S tacie H awes ..................................... 17 A dvertisements .................................. 18 R eflections E artha H icks ..................................... 19

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Letter from the Editor (Summ e r / Fa l l 2 0 0 9 ) D e a r C OS I A n e t r e a d e r s , I went to Georgia recently to visit an old high school friend, and while there, I was introduced to her 103-year-old grandmother, who was also in town visiting. I greeted her in a standard way, by saying, “Hello. Nice to meet you.” And the first thing she said to me was “Girl, you’ve got some hips on you!” My high school friend laughed and was embarrassed by her grandmother’s blunt (but true) comment. In the brief moments between her grandmother’s comment and my own response, memories of my childhood rushed back over me like a tidal wave. When I was an adolescent and in my “blossoming” phase, I didn’t like the way my body was developing. I had been such a tomboy, and I cursed the breasts that were forming. They caused me to wear that uncomfor table undergarment called a bra! Even worse than this hindrance, however, were my hips. They made me walk differently and gave me a ver y pronounced hourglass shape. They also brought undesired attention from boys. The last straw for me came at my first officially coed par ty, when I was twelve. It took me weeks to pick out the perfect outfit and hair style. To make a long stor y shor t, the behavior of “boys being boys” caused me to call my dad to pick me up early from the par ty. I got in the car cr ying and told him about some boys pinching and grabbing my behind. I had wanted to be known for my great baseball pitch and how fast I could steal and slide into second base! (At the time those were the only “bases” I was thinking about.) I think my father, as a widower and a single dad, must have been devastated, but he knew the time would come when he had to discuss “male behavior” with me. He explained that boys at that age did not know how to properly express their interest in a girl, and he went on to explain that if I grew up anything to be like my mom, I would be fighting off guys for the rest of my life. For my dad to say that I looked like my mom was enough to make me appreciate the cur ves that I had been given. Gathering my wits about me, I came out of my state of recollecting, a little embarrassed, but appreciative of the grandmother’s “compliment” and reminder. I said, “Thank you, and yes, I do!” In the spirit of cultivating our sisterhood, Stacie Hawes Editor-in-Chief

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Cultivating Sisterhood across Power Lines Aimee Carrillo Rowe Sisterhood is a powerful force in our lives because we cultivate our sense of self in relation to others. Building deep connections with other women has the potential to sustain, transform, and empower us. Yet it’s not always obvious how to build sisterhood, especially across lines of difference. We cultivate our femininity only in relation to one another, so it is impor tant to consider with whom we build solidarity. Whose opinion of our femininity do we value? And how can we build community that cultivates empowering feminine ideals? I answer this question at length in my book, Power Lines: On the Subject of Feminist Alliances (Duke University Press, 2008), in which I studied different notions of femininity among white women and women of color who work in higher education. The person we love is the person we are becoming. Our sense of ourselves— as beautiful, as powerful, as healthy and whole—is formed in our relationships. The people we hang out with, and their views of what femininity is and should be, tell us so much about who we are. What’s more, love is organized by race, class, gender, and heterosexuality. So for many white women, cultivating femininity has to do with what white men think about them, while women of color have felt free to define their femininity outside of these pressures. In my research I asked a few feminists how they enacted their feminism in their relationships with white men. A woman named Carol described her boss as “brilliant . . . I adored him, and he really adored me . . . he’s like a father figure and he really helped me a lot.” These familial relationships with white men are so impor tant to many white women that they often constrain their femininity to follow the norms of familial gender roles.

Another woman named Nancy explained, “I had, you know, blonde hair and nails and a ver y coordinated outfit and so [white men] didn’t expect much to come out of my mouth.” White women like Carol and Nancy limit their femininity to conform to white male expectations. While such relationships can empower white women who seek institutional power, it also binds them to remain subordinate to white men. So the work for white women is often to challenge privilege and build alliances with women of color, which allows them to cultivate more empowering femininity. Many women of color do not aspire to build familial relationships with white men. As a woman named Rita explained, “To be honest with you, as an African-American woman . . . I don’t think that most whites see me as a sexual being. I think that unless you’re a black woman that conforms to white standards of beauty [pause] then you may be able to do that.” While this exclusion may marginalize women of color, it also empowers them to define their femininity outside of dominant norms. A woman named Donna, for example, refuses to conform to her white friends’ effor ts to “discipline” her because her “size is attractive” within the “black community.” So while these women could conform to white standards of femininity, they do not choose to do so. As we strive to cultivate our femininity in empowering ways, it is vital that we take stock of whose opinions of us we value. Whom do we love and by whom do we want to be loved? Building feminist solidarity empowers us to cultivate our femininity in ways that free us from the constraints of the dominant culture. Loving people across power lines empowers us to experience our femininity as sensual and full beings. 2

Eve

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by Nana Adankamah She stood still in the dark as she watched her reflection play hide and seek. She let her delicate arms fall to her side. A waterfall of braids detangled and fell to her back without regret. She moved her hips, slowly, to the sound of the wind and stopped only when the wind stopped breathing. “Look at me,” she whispered. Her body was the dark sky and the beauty marks were the stars in the distance, only this time the stars could be reached, the beauty marks could be touched . . . it could be traced into something greater than Orion’s belt. Look at her. Her neck, smooth and polished like mahogany wood, stood proudly as she caressed it. Two tender mountains lay on her chest untouched. She turned slightly to her back and saw two dimples that resembled craters. She snickered and thought: “I could destroy ear th if I wanted to.” Below the deep yet soft indentations in her lower back she noticed that someone had sketched two full moons together, side by side. She smiled because when she walked the moons followed. Look at her. She turned to face the mirror and saw waves of a calm ocean beneath the two mountains. Her waist, adorned with white tiny beads like a constellation, stood out on her skin and made the dark night brighter. Her long legs made the Nile jealous because they extended to places that even Pharaohs needed permission to enter. She danced all night in his mind, moving her thighs and arms to the drum in her soul. The wind died down, but she never stopped haunting him.

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Welcome Board Members! COSIA held its annual board elections this summer, and we would like to extend a warm “thank you” to all who submitted applications and a heartfelt welcome to those who were elected.

E xec utive Committee Me m b e rs Lois Reddick, President and Founder Lois is an instructional development consultant whose career began at the University of Washington’s Center for Instructional Development and Research (CIDR) in 1998. At CIDR, she utilized her training in multicultural education curriculum and instruction (M.Ed., University of Washington) to work with colleagues to develop a strategic plan that translated theories about diversity into consulting practice. In 2002, she moved to New York University’s (NYU) Center for Teaching Excellence (CTE) and Center for Innovation in Teaching and Learning (CITL), where her professional work continued to focus on issues of diversity and inclusiveness, but with par ticular attention to teaching in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) disciplines (Ph.D. Candidate, New York University). She continues to contribute to the field through her publications and as a member of the CORE committee, which ser ves as the board of directors for the Professional and Organizational Network in Higher Education (POD). As president and founder of COSIA, Ms. Reddick’s commitment to issues of diversity and inclusiveness extend to the nonprofit sector, where she hopes to both implement new programs and suppor t existing socially-conscious initiatives and programs that benefit women and youth from underser ved populations and communities. She also strives to provide women with oppor tunities to extend and expand their suppor t networks both locally and abroad, and to develop, critically review, and actively pursue their academic, financial, professional, and personal life goals and objectives.

Gamila Baptiste, Vice President and Treasurer Gamila is a real estate investor with a background in business and project management. She volunteers at her church and ser ves on the Ethics Commission of her home town. She resides in Texas with her husband and two toddler boys.

Stacie Hawes , Board Secretary and Publications Chair Stacie is a Project Architect. She attended The Cooper Union for the Advancement of Science and Ar t in New York City, where she received a full tuition scholarship. She received her B.Arch. degree from the Irwin Chanin School of Architecture. During her undergraduate studies she was co-organizer of the Architectural Spring Lecture Series and was a recipient of the George Ledlie award for outstanding thesis design. She is currently employed at a strategic branding firm in Manhattan as a design project manager for the retail environments division. In her spare time, she volunteers for Hudson Cradle, a group home in Jersey City, N.J., caring for homeless and pre-foster infants, and for the Essex County chapter of Habitat for Humanity. She enjoys traveling and taking continuing education classes. She also enjoys taking voiceover classes in Manhattan to perfect her craft, and she enter tains lofty dreams of breaking into commercial voiceovers. She also likes to enter tain and plan events for family and friends. She was born and raised in New Jersey, and presently resides there as well. 4

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continued >

welcome board members

Commit t e e CHAIRS Veronica Gail Lodrigueza, Membership Committee Chair Veronica is an attorney specializing in U.S. immigration law. She received her J.D. from Seton Hall University School of Law in 2004, and her B.A. from Rutgers University in 1998. She is an active member in the American Immigration Lawyers Association and the Asian American Bar Association of New York. She is thrilled to be a first-time board member for COSIA.

Deni Taveras , Fundraising and Grant Committee Chair Deni lives in Mar yland and has fifteen years of experience as a data and policy analyst. She received a dual masterâ€™s in public affairs and urban regional planning from Princeton University with a cer tificate in science, technology, and environmental policy. She also has a B.A. from Barnard College and an M.S. from the University of Utah, both in the field of chemistr y. Her professional experience is wide-ranging. She has worked at the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency, Federal Emergency Management Agency, World Bank, Inter-American Development Bank, United Nations Environmental Programme, and with various not-for-profit organizations and small businesses as an independent consultant. Deni is passionate about suicide prevention issues and about improving conditions for those living in poorly resourced communities. She loves to read, dance, and watch movies with friends and family. Ying Hua Huang , Events Committee Chair Ying Hua is an attorney. She received her J.D. from Emor y University in Atlanta, Georgia. She received her B.A. in political science from Brandeis University in Waltham, Massachusetts. During her undergraduate studies she volunteered with Habitat for Humanity. She is currently employed as an insurance defense litigator in midtown Manhattan. In her spare time, she volunteers with New York Cares and One Brick. She enjoys traveling, cooking, and eating. She was born and raised in New Jersey, and presently resides in Astoria, N.Y. Our first board orientation will be held on Saturday, October 24, 2009, at the Hamilton Park Hotel & Conference Center, located in Florham Park, New Jersey. See you there!

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Spotlight on COSIA by

Stacie Hawes

In past Spotlights, COSIA member Deni Taveras often interviewed another COSIA member. In this issue, the roles are reversed. I, Stacie, interviewed Deni about her role as founder of the Afterw@rd and about her new role as a COSIA board member.

Name: Deni Taveras Age: 37 COSIA Involvement: Executive Committee Member,

Fundraising and Grants

Stacie: Tell us a little about the project you founded. Deni: The Afterw@rd is a community-driven project whose intention is to comfort, touch, and move individuals who are silently struggling after a traumatic life event, such as a suicide. It does so by leveraging and supporting existing resources, and through progressive and thoughtprovoking artistic media. Stacie: Tell us a little about the project you founded. Deni: The Afterw@rd is a community-driven project whose intention is to comfort, touch, and move individuals who are silently struggling after a traumatic life event, such as a suicide. It does so by leveraging and supporting existing resources, and through progressive and thoughtprovoking artistic media. Stacie: How did you come up with the idea of the Afterw@rd?

Deni: One of the assignments in my Landmark education classes was to come up with a visionary project. I had a dream that night and God revealed the Afterw@rd as the project I was to pursue. Suicide is a very taboo subject. No one really wants to discuss it. I lost my mother to suicide 30 years ago and no one really spoke about what happened. Then I lost a cousin to suicide 4 years ago. I realized the silence had allowed the cycle to repeat itself. So what started out as a class project became much more. I saw a need for a support group of this kind. Stacie: Since this edition of the newsletter is called “Cultivating Our Femininity,” how do you think this topic relates to suicide? Deni: More women attempt suicide, but more men succeed. It is essential for females to be able to recognize the warning signs of mental illness and suicide for their husband’s or significant other’s sake. continued >

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c o n t i n u e d > S p o t l i g h t o n C O S IA

Stacie: What are some of the warning signs of suicide? Deni: These are some of the warning signs that appear on the Web site for the National Institute of Mental Health (www.nimh.nih.gov). • Always talking or thinking about death • C linical depression — deep sadness, loss of interest, trouble sleeping and eating — that gets worse • H aving a “death wish,” tempting fate by taking risks that could lead to death such as driving fast or running red lights • Losing interest in things one used to care about • M aking comments about being hopeless, helpless, or worthless • P utting affairs in order, tying up loose ends, changing a will • S aying things like “it would be better if I wasn’t here” or “I want out” • S udden, unexpected switch from being very sad to being very calm or appearing to be happy • Talking about suicide or killing oneself • Visiting or calling people to say goodbye

Stacie: Would you like to add anything else? Deni: For the last few years, the Afterw@rd has been engaged in our first book project, the collection of letters written by survivors to their loved ones who were lost to suicide. These letters will express the impacts of such a passing and how these individuals are missed. The letters will be raw, touching, profound, and thought provoking. If you would like more information about the Afterw@rd, log onto http://theafterward.blogspot. com. If you would like to contribute a creative piece for the book project please send submissions to TheAfterward@gmail.com.

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Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk by Vanya Koo

(Chicago)

In June of this year, Deni Taveras and Vanya Koo represented COSIA at the Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk in Chicago, a fundraiser for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). Vanya shares her account of the event below. Though I run often in Chicago, one of my routine running routes has been forever changed. I will likely never be able to run or walk on this par ticular path without thinking about Deni and the Overnight. Something big happened here and I have been changed. This running route is much more now than a routine – it is a memorial. After several months of e-mail and phone correspondence I finally met Deni in person when she came to Chicago. We ate together and hurried to Soldier Field to register. My first impression of Deni was that she is an energizer bunny! As an official spokesperson for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) for their Out Of Darkness Overnight walk, she had already done several inter views with the media the day before and earlier today. Now she’s off to meet more people while I register. “Oh, we must get the beads!,” Deni says as we par t for a few minutes. The beads are colorful necklaces worn by the walkers with each color representing a different purpose for walking: blue for suppor t of the suicide prevention cause, red for a lost

spouse, gold for a lost parent, green for a lost friend or relative, purple for those who have attempted suicide and struggle with mental illness. There are probably several thousand people in the registration area, but Deni is near the stage doing more inter views. There are TV cameras and funny sound sticks around her. She introduces me to her friend-walkers. She seems to know ever y third person here! I feel famous and special by association. The opening ceremony begins with a stretching session, during which I am able to get a better view of the walkers. The lawn around Soldier Field is packed. Some people are wearing different color shir ts and will be walking as a team. Others have pictures and names of loved ones on their backs with dates of bir th and death. I am already star ting to get overwhelmed. No one in my family or close to me has died by suicide. What do I know about this? For now I am here to represent COSIA and suppor t Deni, but the night ahead is long and who knows what the 18 miles on Chicago streets will hold. The mood of the ceremony is somber. Several people share about those they have lost to suicide. One couple has raised

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more than a hundred thousand dollars and is walking so that no parent should lose their child to suicide like they did. It seemed that even the sky got sad—the clouds star ted to roll in. It might be a rainy night. Then we were off. The large mass of people turned into a river and star ted snaking along the lake path. As we star ted our journey through the night, Deni said to me: “That ceremony was such a downer. We are not going to make it through the night in this mood. We’ve got to lighten things up. Let’s find Jessica—she’s funny and will keep us enter tained.” I could not have agreed more, but I am not funny at all—how can I help Deni through 18 miles? We had just turned the corner around the Shedd Aquarium heading nor th, and the Chicago skyline exploded before us. I am used to this view, but tonight is different. The path is crammed with walkers, I am with a bubbly, energetic Latina, and we are walking, not running. At the first mile marker ever yone is cheering: “One down, seventeen more to go!” It’s star ting to rain lightly and the breeze is refreshing. We are thankful. I am getting to know Deni as she shares about her previous overnight walks. Last year in New York the route was not clearly labeled and she and her crew got lost. We are grateful that the route in Chicago is well marked and ver y scenic. As we pass near my workplace, Deni talks about growing up in Harlem in a tight-knit family, and about her college time at Barnard. I realize we are both studious—at least we’ve got something in common! We don’t stop at the first rest stop because we have to be at the next one at a cer tain time so that Deni can be inter viewed. It is now dark and is still drizzling. In Lincoln Park we are greeted by suppor ters. People are clapping and cheering us on. The crossing guards encourage us: “Only a few more blocks until the next rest stop.” Deni knows the crossing guard and gives him a hug. I continue to feel special walking next to her. At the next rest stop Deni networks some more and I am grateful for the por t-a-potties. After refilling our water bottles and getting a snack, we are off again. I share a bit about myself too, about my husband, Kevin, and our upcoming anniversar y, and about his crazy on-call schedule. Kevin calls to let me know that he will meet us at the next quick stop, which gives me an energy surge. Deni calls me a romantic.

I cannot think of anything funny to say, especially after we’ve been approached by other walkers and asked who we were walking in memor y of. Deni pulls out her iPod and star ts listening to salsa. She sings along and then tries to dance with me! It’s late and my feet are star ting to get tired. Then Lois calls, and her timing is perfect. This is exactly what Deni and I needed. Lois says she will call again later. Deni and I then talk about Lois, how we each met her, and about her amazing faith and testimony. We wish we could hear God as clearly as Lois does. This conversation helps lift up our spirits and carries us on to the point when we meet my hubby. He is tired like us. I haven’t seen him in four days. Deni is grinning at our expression of affection. But our break is ver y brief and we must go on. We need to finish by 4 a.m. It’s now close to midnight and well past my normal bedtime. Though I have run marathons and other races, walking this late at night is proving to be a physical challenge I am not fully prepared for. Deni’s knee is acting up too. Thank God for the midnight snack break! At the rest stop we get our midnight snack and sit on the grass. The food is a welcome booster. Deni is in visible pain but still smiling. “I am prepared,” she says as she pulls out an ace-bandage and scissors. I am impressed! I would be whining loudly at this point. We cut the bandage in half and use it to wrap Deni’s ankle and knee. We continue to walk with more energy, as do other walkers. The conversations about suicide awareness and lost loved ones continue. One young girl, probably in her early twenties, shares about her difficulties with mental illness, about losing her job because of it and having trouble finding a new one. I am stunned when I hear the statistics: ever y 16 minutes someone dies from suicide in this countr y, and it is estimated that an attempt is made ever y minute. Suicide is the four th leading cause of death for adults between the ages of 18 and 65 in the United States, with 27,321 suicides annually, according to AFSP. In addition, more Americans suffer from depression than from coronar y hear t disease (17 million), cancer (12 million) and HIV/AIDS (1 million) combined. People talk openly about cancer or hear t disease, but suicide is a taboo topic. As we are deep in the darkness of the night (now almost 2 a.m.), I am exhausted, but I need to learn more. I need to know why exactly I am walking. Deni’s stor y begins to lift scales from my eyes. She is walking 9

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for her mom and her cousin. She is turning the age her mom was when she committed suicide. I tr y to think of Deni’s mom. I cannot comprehend how a young mother can end her life and leave behind two young kids. But I catch myself—I cannot judge anyone just because I do not understand mental illness. I do recollect times when I contemplated how much easier things would be if I did not have to wake up the next day. We all have those thoughts—the difference is what we do with them. Deni is transparent about her struggle, and this wakes me up. I am grateful that she has sought help and is not giving up on the life she’s been given. On the contrar y, she’s embracing it to the fullest. She also shares about her older brother, who is depressed but not looking for help. I fear for him and say a prayer. Then I realize why we are walking: not only to remember those we lost to suicide but also so that suicide will not be an option. We are walking through the night in the rain so that people like me, who are unaware and ignorant of mental illness, will realize that it is an illness and not a character flaw. We are now on Michigan Avenue, the Magnificent Mile. The sidewalks that are normally jammed with tourists and shoppers are deser ted except for a few barhopping stragglers and us walkers. Deni is catching a second wind. She notices a beautiful dress on a lady walking along and compliments her. I can only think of the next rest stop, but I have to focus now. We’ve got only four miles to go. Deni tells me about her project, the Afterw@rd. Recently she lost her job, which has prodded her to focus more on the project and her commitment to suicide prevention.

Her hope is to use a variety of media to bring awareness of suicide prevention to the general public, especially by tr ying to use humor in a tasteful way to lighten up the subject. “This is going to be challenging,” I say, but at the same time I cannot think of a better person to do it. Deni has already met a filmmaker who is willing to help, and she has received a whole stack of business cards in just the past few days. Deni has energy, enthusiasm, vitality, wit, and a caring and loving spirit like I have not seen in a long time. I have confidence in her success. It’s the home stretch now with only a mile or so left to go. All the muscles in my legs and feet are burning with pain. We are back on the lake path and are heading south toward Soldier Field. I run on this path frequently, but I’ve never seen it at 4 a.m. before! Deni has her iPod on again and is in a great mood. There is a wonderful feeling of camaraderie with the other walkers, and Deni on the spot makes up a militar y march-like song. It is hilarious. All we can do now is be thankful and pray. The sun is about to rise because the clouds that were cooling us off with light drizzle through the night have been blown away by the wind. We go through a path lined by candles commemorating those lost by the walkers, and we are brought back to the atmosphere of remembrance. It is appropriate now because we are at the finish. We did it. We walked through the night in Chicago so that, as our t-shir ts said, suicide prevention would be a national priority. I have been changed and have made an incredible friend in less than a day, and this running route will never be the same.

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An Interview with Dr. Julie-Ann Mears McFann by Lois Reddick In this issue, I interview Dr. Julie-Ann Mears McFann, a keynote presenter at the 2009 COSIA Retreat and Annual Conference. Dr. McFann is the founder of Fairy Godmother Coaching, but she has recently made a career change from faculty development and career coaching to pursue the art of sewing. Lois: Julie-Ann, this issue of COSIAnet is focused on cultivating femininity. How would you define femininity? Julie-Ann: Femininity is about being in touch with my innate gentleness, nur turing nature, creativity, and love of beauty. It is recognizing that I don’t have to be masculine and aggressive in order to be successful in life, contrary to what our culture told women when I was younger. When I tap into my feminine self, I feel amazingly at peace. Lois: How, if at all, has your perspective on femininity influenced what you’re doing today? Julie-Ann: I spent 15 years in the male-dominated world of higher education, and although women are making inroads, there is still a long way to go. I felt mocked and diminished for being a caring and nur turing person, for not wanting to go into ever y situation with guns blazing. I tried to figure out how to make situations “win-win” for ever yone. After my second layoff in almost as many years, I decided that I wanted to do something that would tap into who I am as a woman, where my femininity would be valued. Because of this, I decided to focus on my passion for the domestic ar ts, specifically sewing. Some may view my advocacy for the “feminine ar ts” as taking women back to pre-liberation times, but based on the response I’ve received to my blogs and podcasts, women have a real hunger to feel valued as feminine.

Lois: In what ways, if at all, do you view your experiences with COSIA as par t of cultivating your femininity? Julie-Ann:Women thrive on connections with other women. There was a time when women would gather in sewing and missionar y circles to mentor and suppor t each other, but in our hectic world, we don’t make time for those types of gatherings anymore. COSIA encourages me to gather together with diverse women so that I can develop new friendships. Lois: What do you hope to contribute to COSIA in the future? Where would you like to see the organization go? Julie-Ann:I see COSIA as being akin to the old-style sewing circles, and I would like to see more of these “circles” developing across the countr y (and the world!). There is a lot of polarization and demonizing in the United States right now. Through organizations and “circles” such as COSIA, perhaps we can return to an understanding that we don’t have to always agree on ever ything, but we can still care for each other and work together for the common good. Lois: What message, if any, would you give our readers about cultivating femininity in their lives? Julie-Ann:Women have a tendency to isolate themselves, to feel like they should be superwomen and be able to juggle all of their responsibilities. The superwoman myth is ver y masculine. Let go of the superwoman shackles and reach out to other women to create community. Learn more about Dr. Julie-Ann McFann’s sewing venture by visiting http://grandmassewingcabinet.com, or http:// modernretrowoman.com.

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he says, she says

By Stacie Hawes and Shawn Alexander

In struggling to think of pointed questions to ask our par ticipants for this issue on “cultivating our femininity,” we realized that femininity is hard to define clearly. It is often associated with having creative, nur turing, communicative, or “delicate” personality traits, but those perceptions and associations differ depending on race, gender, and sexual orientation. He Says, She Says inter viewed a man and a woman of different cultural backgrounds about their ideas on femininity. As always, our male author spoke to a woman, and our female author spoke to a man.

A Male Perspective Bill (not his real name) feels that his views on femininity are a little different from those of the mainstream. While he agrees that his views stem from his upbringing, past experiences, and the media, his sexuality also plays a large role. Bill is a 31-year-old homosexual male originally from Long Island and now living in Manhattan. His upbringing was one of traditional Latino heritage. His father was the provider, and his mother took care of the household and the kids. He feels that, to an extent, that traditional role play still affects his daily life and his personal relationships.

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In Bill’s dating relationships, he says he is considered the more “masculine” person and therefore takes on the “husband” role of being the breadwinner and head of the household. Even though he feels masculine in his dating relationships, he still considers himself more effeminate than the average male. “I feel that I am more in tune with women and therefore have more female friends.” Being around women is comfor table for Bill and allows him to be flamboyant at times.

not. The Trinidadian men’s masculinity may be perceived as “harder,” and their role as providers of the family was also more clearly defined. In addition, Anna’s Indian background brought another dynamic, in which men were cherished and catered to by their mothers, sisters, and wives. Ironically, women from these households grew up to be highly independent, self-reliant, and resourceful. In this respect, Anna can cer tainly attest to acquiring multiple aspects of her parents’ cultures.

With his coworkers, it is a different stor y. While he never specifies his sexual orientation, some coworkers are aware, and he feels the tension. Some heterosexual males keep their distance, and at times Bill feels that he cannot relate to male coworker banter in the same way that he can to that of his female counterpar ts.

Anna is also clear that many West Indian women who were raised in the same rural communities may be perceived as having a “rougher” or “coarser” femininity than U.S.born (black) American women. Should one mate with a black American man, the traditional gender perceptions are often reversed: the practical “maleness” of the woman matching the emotional “feminine side” of the man. It’s wor th noting that Anna doesn’t necessarily agree or disagree with long-running gender perceptions. However, via urban culture, both perceptions are reinforced. “I’m par t of the system,” she says, “As we all are.”

He concludes that too many people are overly driven, living their lives according to society’s views. “You should not occupy your time worrying about how people view you. Embrace and love the person you want to be and are.”

A Female Perspective Anna (not her real name) is a heterosexual West Indian (Caribbean) woman in her late 30s, originally from the Republic of Trinidad and with a par t-Indian heritage. She credits estrogen and testosterone with playing their biochemical par t in creating what is masculine (sexual, physical) and what is feminine (emotional, communal). These, in essence, found the socialization of these concepts. Anna’s current perceptions have and still do affect her self-image. She says there is a lot of “maleness” in her character, by which she means being rational, direct, and firm, which has given her a hard time over the years. Being “girly” was, in fact, troubling to her, as she grew taller and more developed than her female peers. Wearing cute outfits at age 13 got her negative comments, and made her feel “ver y ugly.” She dealt with it by wearing “boxy” clothing through her young adult years. While growing up in the Caribbean, Anna learned that American men were encouraged to express their emotions to women, while many Trinidadian men were

Anna chooses to be “gender-neutral” and see each person as just a human being, without grouping or stereotypes. She gets along well with both men and women, and is told by both sexes that she talks “ver y straight” and that she is a “great listener.” In her job as a nanny to two young girls, Anna is determined to raise them to be self-sufficient and to care equally for men and women. Having been married twice, traditional gender perceptions and “performance expectations” never became an issue in Anna’s relationships. She attracted and became loving par tners with her men, even while often out-earning them. Clear communication was key. Anna’s willingness to allow others to be honest and accepted in her presence empowers her through her insecurities (such as feeling “ugly and fat”) and justifications (that “getting dolled-up is expensive”), which confront longheld perceptions of femininity. We hope the views expressed here will help you cultivate—or unear th—your own views on femininity!

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30th Anniversary Asian/Pacific

American Heritage Festival

by Ying Hua

The 30th Anniversar y Asian/Pacific American Heritage Festival was held on May 3, 2009, at Dag Hammarskjold Plaza in New York City. The day-long event celebrated Asian/Pacific American culture with food, performances, ar t, and exhibits. The event also showcased different groups that provide a diverse range of volunteer, social, and cultural oppor tunities in New York. COSIA was represented at the event by Lois Reddick, Deni Taveras, Veronica Gail Lodrigueza, and Ying Hua Huang. These COSIA members had the oppor tunity to enjoy the various activities at the event and to tell the diverse crowd that attended about COSIA, its mission, and its diverse membership. This event also provided a fundraising oppor tunity for the COSIA members who were planning to par ticipate in the American Foundation for Suicide Preventionâ€™s Out of the Darkness Overnight walk in Chicago, which took place in June of this year. Even though it was held on a rainy, chilly day, the heritage festival was full of smiles and the oppor tunity to make some new friends.

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COSIA CRAFTS FOR A CAUSE When: Saturday, December 5, 2009 3:00 p.m. to 6:00 p.m.

Where: EL Taller Latino Americano 2710 Broadway (corner of 104th Street) New York, NY 10025 www.tallerlatino.org

Jewelry Making with Cecilia Munguia: You keep the jewelry, the tool set, and support a great cause! Want to learn how make your own jewelry creations? Then this event is for you! At this event you will learn how to string beads and add clasps to your string of beads to make a necklace or bracelet! Once you learn the basics of jewelry making, you will be hooked and be able to make yourself great pieces or make gifts for your loved ones! You will also get to keep the tool set, which includes all must-have jewelry tools: round nose pliers, needle nose pliers (crimp tool), wire cutter, and tweezers for picking up those beads! If you have beads from an unfinished project, a broken necklace, or a bracelet, bring them along. You will learn how to fix broken pieces of jewelry and use those beads that have been sitting in your drawer waiting to be used! There will also be many beads to choose from at this event. All you have to bring is your willingness to learn a new skill! The best par t of this event is that you will not only learn how to make jewelry and get to keep the tool set but you will also be suppor ting a wor thy cause! As a signature par t of every COSIA event, we utilize member and guest resources to suppor t charitable effor ts. Our charity beneficiary during this season of “COSIA Crafts for a Cause” is In the Spirit of the Children, Inc. (ITSOC), a 501(c)(3) community-based organization established to provide daily suppor t services to children, youth, and families transitioning out of foster care. The mission of these programs is to stabilize families in crisis and to assist them in achieving the goal of self-reliance. To learn more about their work, visit their Web site at: www.spiritofthe-children.org.

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Cost: $25 COSIA member rate $30 Non-member rate All rates include: Jewelr y tool kit; Beads (feel free to bring additional bead options if you wish); Stringing supplies; Hardware (crimp beads, clasps, etc.); Jewelr y-making pad (to help beads from sliding off work area); and Suppor ting materials and instructions.

Payments: Tickets available while supplies last. Ticket purchase ends on Wednesday, November 18 *All payments are nonrefundable. If you need more information, e-mail us at info@cosia.net, call (347) 993-2440, or visit www.cultivatingoursisterhood.net/crafts.

A Message from Cecilia Munguia Dear COSIA Guests, I love the art of making things, and I also love to learn! I take ever y opportunity to learn to make things the proper way by attending courses offered from experts. I learned to make jewelr y from the Fashion Institute of Technology, learned all about herbs and herbal soap-making at the New York Botanical Garden, and I love to share my knowledge with others. My love for crafting and sharing knowledge has led me to start a Crafting in the City Meetup group, and I have recently opened an Etsy store, Ceci Sundries, to bring my favorite functional products to the public. I am excited and hoping to have much success with the shop, which brings me one step closer to my ultimate dream of have a shop and studio where I can facilitate crafts events. I am so looking forward to the “COSIA Crafts for a Cause” event in December — I can’t wait! Until then, please feel free to visit my Meetup group or Etsy shop at the Web sites below: www.meetup.com/craftiginthecity/ www.cecisundries.etsy.com Cecilia

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2009 Retreat and Annual Conference (Connecticut) by Stacie Hawes This year’s retreat was held August 22-23 in the scenic and quaint area of Chester, Connecticut. Upon arriving at the Guest House Retreat and Conference Center, COSIA guests were cordially greeted by the retreat center’s host. At lunch, guests were able to socialize and meet the women who would be partaking in the weekend’s workshops and seminars. After lunch, Julie-Ann McFann’s seminar got underway, in which we discussed different examples of the “imposter phenomenon” and ways to build self-confidence. Julie-Ann’s quirky style and funny anecdotes kept the seminar interesting and light. A healthy dinner was ser ved following the seminar, and game night began! An ice-breaker game helped to put people at ease, and then a game of Taboo was played with fierce (but fun) intensity! The next morning, all work woke up “bright-eyed and bushy–tailed” for breakfast and a morning workshop with Alicia Li, who recently released a book entitled Keep It Moving. Alicia spoke about her upbringing and her continuously positive outlook on life. She also discussed keeping negative energy at bay and finding your life’s purpose in order to make you happy and fulfilled. I would like to extend a heartfelt thanks to both speakers for their positive, energetic, and thought-provoking seminars. I hope to see you all at our 2010 retreat and annual conference!

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2010 COSIA RETREAT AND ANNUAL CONFERENCE: CULTIVATING DREAMS When: Friday, August 6, 2010, to Sunday, August 8, 2010 (extended stay options also available)

Where: Talaris Conference Center 4000 NE 41st Street Seattle, WA 98105

The Talaris Conference Center is a retreat, event, and meeting destination that combines a distinctively Nor thwest environment with metropolitan technology and amenities. It is located on 18 acres in a natural, park-like setting near the University of Washington in Seattle. Talaris is just four blocks from the shopping center University Village and within walking distance of neighborhood restaurants, cafes, and jogging trails.

Cost: $169 per person SATURDAY FULL-DAY SESSION RATE - INCLUDES ALL MEALS AND WORKSHOPS ONLY $299 per person ALL INCLUSIVE DOUBLE OCCUPANCY RATE - INCLUDES ALL MEALS, WORKSHOPS, AND 2-NIGHT STAY $439 per person ALL INCLUSIVE SINGLE OCCUPANCY RATE - INCLUDES ALL MEALS, WORKSHOPS, AND 2-NIGHT STAY $140 per room/per night EXTEND YOUR STAY AT THE TALARIS CONFERENCE CENTER (DOES NOT INCLUDE MEALS OR WORKSHOPS)

Photos used courtesy of the Talaris Conference Center

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All inclusive rates include: • Two-night stay in a single or double occupancy non-smoking guest room; • A Talaris Conference Center donation to Powerful Voices in the amount of $25 per guest room booking (see below to learn more about the Powerful Voices campaign); • All Saturday meals including breakfast, lunch, snacks, beverages, and “All Fired Up” barbecue celebration; • Registration package; • COSIA membership package; • All workshop sessions (details coming soon); and • Free parking.

Powerful Voices Campaign: Our charity beneficiary during the 2010 retreat will be Powerful Voices, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization for girls in Seattle, WA. COSIA will be par tnering with Jamba Juice in University Village and Jamba Juice at the Tacoma Mall along with the Talaris Conference Center to raise funds for this wor thy cause. Jamba Juice in the Tacoma Mall will be hosting an in-store fundraiser for Powerful Voices from Monday, August 2, 2010, through Sunday, August 8, 2010, and Jamba Juice in University Village will join in from Friday, August 6, 2010, through Sunday, August 8, 2010. When guests present the Jamba Juice flyer (which can be downloaded at our Web site address below), 20% of their purchase will benefit Powerful Voices. Additionally, for each room booked for the 2010 COSIA Retreat and Annual Conference, the Talaris Confence Center will donate $25 to Powerful Voices! For thir teen years, Powerful Voices has provided free, innovative, evidence-based programs to adolescent girls in Seattle public middle schools and in and out of the King County juvenile justice system. To learn more, visit powerfulvoices.org.

Photo used courtesy of Powerful Voices and Gary Voth

their Web site at: www.

Payments: A $150 nonrefundable deposit payment is due by November 1, 2009! Final payments will be due on March 1, 2010. All confirmations will be sent via e-mail. Deposit payments and Saturday day session only rates are subject to a $5 Paypal processing fee. All inclusive balance payments are subject to a $10 Paypal processing fee. If you need more information, e-mail us at retreat@ cosia.net, call (347) 993-2440, or visit our Web site at www.cultivatingoursisterhood.net/retreat2010.

Photo used courtesy of Powerful Voices and Gary Voth

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