The Tribune (Fake News) by SRC USyd Publications

Tribune No. 2625

Wednesday, 4th November, 2026

FREE NEWSPAPER SPREADING LIES

Since 1929

COMMUNIST UNITY?

Communist Party unification conference creates new micro sect By The Tribune (fake news). Representatives from the Communist Party of Australia, Republican Workers Party (formerly Australian Communist Party), the C.P.A. Marxist-Leninist, the C.P.A. MarxistLeninist-Maoist-Shining Path, the Platypus Affiliated Society, Pink Beetle, and Communist Unity which was previously the R.C.O. (Reddit Communist Organisation) held a conference over the last week “to address the pressing problem of forging a new mass Communist Party to confront the urgent tasks of our epoch.” The conference lasted a bruising four days, aiming to unify these disparate minuscule organisations into a single party. Motions were intended to be raised debating the class character of the Labor Party, the historical legacy of Popular Frontism, the social basis of the rising far right, and whether imperialism is the primary contradiction. Representatives from each organisation crowded around a table at Chinatown Noodle King, debating clauses for the new program of the reconstituted Party. Discussions broke down first over whether they should order pan-fried or steamed pork dumplings. A heated debate ensued over the decision, and the pan-fried camp won a narrow vote. This disagreement precipitated a mass walk-out of half the conference, meaning quorum was briefly lost and discussions could not proceed. A representative of the S.E.A.R.C.H. foundation, the successor organisation to the Communist Party of Australia, that dissolved in 1991, told The Tribune while the desire for unity was always welcome, the conference’s failure was not unexpected, not least because S.E.A.R.C.H. refuses to open up their coffers containing the real estate portfolios of deceased communist organisers. “These organisations have failed to demonstrate their genuine

commitment to a unified cause. They should have decisively picked pan-fried dumplings,” S.E.A.R.C.H. foundation representative Charles Chuchinson said. “Personally, I’m still attached to eurocommunism.” The end result not only failed to unify these groups, but additionally caused the C.P.A. to split once again, this time producing a new grouplet subscribing to the tendency known as “Adornoist-Althusserian-Dengism,” whatever that means. Providing comment to The Tribune, the group’s newly elected leader Crudley Meecher pronounced that “our world-historic directive is now clear; me and my three mates who have forged this bold new enterprise will start a website to complain about the existing left. Only this way can we hope to hasten the death-knells of capitalism and construct a new society.” The new tendency promised that they would convene their First General Congress at the end of the year to decide on the name of their newspaper and to resolve their approach to the Popular Front question. The Tribune understands several names for the newspaper are being considered including New Red Dwarf, The World Worker’s Clarion Cry, The Zoom Bomb, and Girondin. The Tribune has been told that the new four-man organisation may now split over heated internal disagreements regarding this contentious question.

Tribune, November 2026

STREETWATCH

Grace Street elected for 7th term of presidency By Honi Soit Editors (biased). Incumbent Chairman of the Central Committee of the Students’ Representative Council was re-elected as president of the 103rd S.R.C. This would mark her 7th term as president of this institution. She won with 116.7 per cent of the vote, on account of a section of the electorate turning out to vote twice “as a demonstration of their enthusiasm.” Street was first elected as president in 2025 for the 98th S.R.C., while holding office as education officer and general secretary prior to the presidency. “I am honoured to serve yet again as president,” Street told The Tribune on her re-election. A referendum to include a clause to the S.R.C. constitution committing the union to uphold ‘Grace Street Thought’ passed with 96.7 per cent formal votes cast in favour. There was no option to vote no.

Street won all six booths on all days of polling (Jane Foss Russell, Fisher Library, Manning House, Peter Nicol Russell, Conservatorium, Westmead). Street won 116.7 per cent of the primary vote, receiving support from Grassroots, Left Action, the Independent Socialist Club, the New Panda Alliance, and Woke STEM Action. The Labor-backed candidate Pertunia O’Grady received -16.7 per cent of the primary vote, representing a 5.3 per cent increase from the previous year. A proposal to introduce term limits earlier this year was voted down decisively at the June Council meeting. While talks have been in process for the S.R.C. to disaffiliate from the National Union of Students (N.U.S.) for several years, this did not eventuate this year as it must be put to a referendum. The count is currently progressing for the N.U.S. and Representatives to Council.

SCOTTWATCH

Mark Scott to serve third term as Vice-Chancellor and President ‘Professor’ Mark Scott A.O. to serve a third term as the University of Sydney’s 28th Vice-Chancellor and President. By Fake Nyus in Sydney. Today Chancellor David Thodey A.O. announced that the University of Sydney’s Senate unanimously approved a third five-year term for Professor Mark Scott as ViceChancellor and President. His third term will begin in July 2031. “We don’t really give a shit anymore,” Thodey said. “During his first and second term, the University has been recognised as one of the top 100 universities by destroying every other University aside from Notre Dame, broke the world record for most fartsturbation in a day, and bought me a coffee a couple times. “Its sort of like a ‘fuck it we ball’ type situation. “Scott gutted the A.B.C. and failed to oversee corruption in the N.S.W. education department without really

any consequences so we all decided to see how far we could go with this whole USyd bit. So far it’s been pretty easy to royally fuck staff and students in basically every conceivable way.” Some have voiced concerns over the decision following Scott’s controversial decision in early 2027 to replace all casual tutors with AI chat bots which turned horribly wrong after the bots all became sentient and started to violently rise up against their superiors. A University of Sydney spokesperson told The Tribune that Scott is “actually a pretty good guy. He’s charming, thoughtful, rugged, and not a pedophile”, which we did not ask. In accepting the reappointment, Professor Scott said “it is with great pride that I continue to look unbearably smug and dislikable in every photo that’s taken of me. That

is no easy feat, believe me pal. Please listen to my pathetic podcast ‘The Solutionists’ in which I try my best to pretend I am qualified to talk about anything other than how to cripple public institutions and eat my cat Poppy.” “Does anyone know where the bathroom is?” Scott asked The Tribune while clutching the back of his pants and rushing to the nearest waste bin in which he released a colossal shit before chowing it down like a hungry orphan. After this rather embarrassing display, Chancellor David Thodey A.O. turned to The Tribune with a dry smile and stated that “this is exactly why we are re-appointing ‘Professor’ Scott. This is what we mean when we

say ‘leadership for good sharts here.” “Say what you will about Scott, he redefined what it means to be a pathetic liberal. He cops it from both the left and right and has undeniably broadened the horizons of incompetence like no one I have ever met.” David said. Professor Scott is an alumnus of the University and holds a Bachelor of Arts, a Diploma of Education, a Master of Arts (Political Science and Government), an Honorary Doctorate (Letters) and a Professor of Practice (Education and Media) from the University of Sydney, and both of which he literally gave to himself, as well as a Master of Childcare from the Donald J. Trump School of Leadership at Harvard University.

FAKE NEWS

DEAGLAN, PRINCE OF USYD, 27, DIES IN LIME BIKE ‘CRASH’ By Honi Soit.

The stupol death at 27 of Deaglan Godwin, Prince of USyd campus, in a Lime bike crash on Eastern Avenue brought to a tragic close the undergraduate political life of a man who had gone from being a shy young society boy to one of the world’s most glamorous stupol headkickers. His marriage to USyd Socialist Alternative (SAlt) Club as an undergraduate in 2018, was one of those events that people remember as a timepost in their own lives, a moment of old fashioned drama and stupol splendour seldom seen in this century. 15 million people in Camperdown alone watched it on television. As father of Prince Lucas, 15, and his younger brother Prince Rex, almost 13, the Prince of USyd will remain important to the S.R.C. even after his timely death. While the exact circumstances surrounding Prince Deaglan’s death remain unclear, some have speculated foul play, as reports of His Majesty

Mark Scott “jumping up and down in joy” and “giggling like a little girl” circulate the campus. An anonymous source close to His Majesty Mark Scott told Honi Soit that, upon hearing of Prince Deaglan’s death, His Majesty exclaimed “Get in lad we fucking got him” while punching the air. He was, above all, a devoted father, and his eldest son is a future headkicker. But he was also a person ordinary people could feel especially close to. In an emotional public address, current S.R.C. president Grace Street, accompanied by General Secretary Vince Tafea, said “He was the people’s prince and that is how he will stay, how he will remain in our hearts and our

memories forever.” “I will remember him personally with great affection. I think the whole country will remember him with the deepest affection and love and that is why our grief is so deep today”, Street said. After Street’s heartwarming eulogy, a minute’s silence was held in honour of the Prince and his family. Since the Prince’s death, mourning staff and students alike have left tens of thousands of bouquets stretching more than 300ft from City Road to the Quadrangle lawns. A funeral procession is planned for next week, where Prince Godwin will be buried in the centre of the Quadrangle. Honi Soit asked His Royal Highness Mark Scott for more details about the funeral. In response, His Majesty assured Honi that Elton John would be wheeled out to perform a special rendition of his hit song “Godwin in the Wind”. In a surprising turn of events, Michael Jackson came back to life to release a new song “Dirty Deaglan” in which the King of Pop pays homage to the lategreat Prince of USyd.` One of the more notable

moments along his rise to power was the Prince’s confrontation of former Prime Minister Malcom Turnbull in 2022. Many remember this as the moment where Deaglan solidified himself as truly the people’s prince. Vale Deaglan Godwin. You are gone but you will never be forgotten.

Spreading Lies Since 1929

HACKWATCH

‘JUST’ IN

‘Hack Stack Defeated’: BREAKING: Former PM and Student Unity Aligned Ticket Loses 2026 EconSoc AGM By Honi Soit (fake news).

Last year, the USyd Economics Society (EconSoc) A.G.M. passed largely unnoticed, with just some 30 members in attendance. Yet on the evening of the 20th of October, the event blew up into a multi-hour bruising controversy, packed out by some 200 attendees. This tumult was the result of two tickets contesting for the 2027 executive; one largely composed of established members and previous executives running as “CHOOSE ECONSOC”, while the other was made up in part by members of Student Unity and Labor Left. A document seen by Honi Soit which was circulated prior to the events of the evening alleged that “parts of the Student Unity faction (Labor Right) began a process of trying to stack EconSoc.” Continuing, “we have a lot of evidence to support the malicious nature of the opposing ticket’s campaign, including mass mobilisation of their faction’s members (none of whom have prior involvement with the society) into joining and voting for their ticket.” AGM Update For the uninitiated, “stacking/ a stack” refers to a faction artificially mobilising a large number of people, often previously uninvolved in a given organisation, in order to pack out a meeting to win a vote. Honi approached the USyd convenor of Student Unity Leo Moore regarding these allegations of ‘stacking’, who commented that “it was amazing to see so many members coming out to vote, student democracy is truly alive and well at the University of Sydney! “As to these allegations of “stacking”, I believe there were three members of Unity who ran for positions in the A.G.M., out of 30+ people running for 14 positions. This isn’t indicative of stacking but rather just society members running for positions in an ordinary manner.” However, in contrast to Moore’s account, a member of the Unity-aligned ticket who wished to remain anonymous told Honi that “in my opinion many genuine and meaningful members of the ticket who are not affiliated with any campus faction were drawn into something they were not fully aware of. I believe that while the characterisation of a ‘stack’ is harsh and invokes certain images in one’s mind, it is not entirely inaccurate and it is unfortunate that the A.G.M. devolved into the state it did.” Moreover, Honi has also seen screenshots of Student Unity members characterising their involvement in the A.G.M. as a “stack”. USU board director and campaigner for the Labor Right run S.R.C. ticket ‘Change’ James Green

(also known as ‘Sydney Law James’) was observed in attendance. Speaking in his personal capacity, Green told Honi that “I have been a member of EconSoc since 2024 and I was pleased to participate in its A.G.M. It is essential that A.G.M.s are conducted with transparency and integrity; I was happy to oversee that to the best of my ability. Looking forward to seeing the new executive teams of all societies as the A.G.M.season blooms. May each team bring fresh ideas and a renewed focus on engaging the members they serve.” Members of Grassroots, Socialist Labor Society (S.L.S.), and P.E.N.T.A. were observed in attendance to support the non-Student Unity ticket. Vince Tafea (Grassroots), the current S.R.C. General Secretary commented to Honi “I don’t think that it’s appropriate for a Board Director of the U.S.U. to organise a stack of a society, and certainly not a member of its governance committee. I really hoped this wasn’t the case when I first heard about [it]... but it became increasingly apparent to me that it was. I showed up to support regular rank-and-file U.S.U. members.” Outgoing President of the Political Economy Society Ravkaran Grewal told Honi that “while it is always entertaining to watch a Labor Party stack fail, the terms of the debate tonight did not expand beyond promises of a “faster growing portfolio”, “effective collaboration” or such inspired slogans like “choose vision, choose ECONSOC”. “The so-called Sydney University Economics Society is no real student society, it is in fact a glorified association of wanna-be professionals who spend their time endlessly networking. Their flagship event this year, “industry night”, consisted of an expert panel from, none other than the I.M.F., famous for their Structural Adjustment Programs that have wrought destruction and destitution to much of the global south. It would seem, comical as it is, that ECONSOC’s engagement with economics does not extend far beyond being a mouth piece of global capital. “If you’d like to join a society of real students, to talk to people who have something interesting to say beyond corporate buzzwords, and actually learn something about the nature of economic life, choose political economy, choose ECOPSOC.” After hours of speeches and vote counting, the Returning Officer of the election declared that every member of the non-Student Unity ticket had been elected, precipitating raucous applause from the room. Newly elected EconSoc President Anthony Katz who ran with “CHOOSE ECONSOC”declined to comment to Honi on behalf of the incoming executive.

Tribune, November 2026

Dame Jacinda Ardern Joins the University of Sydney! By The Tribune Editorial Board. Jacinda showed up pretty early for the shoot. “Woah,” said Lou, videography intern at the USyd Media Office. “Her pants are so sick.” After some ooh-ing and ahhh-ing and some confusion at whether the garment was a skirt or trousers, Vice Chancellor Mark Scott identified them rather astutely as a pair of Glassons Low Rise Gathered Waist Tailored Pants. “Of course I’d know,” said Mark, who runs several popular Instagram accounts dedicated to identifying the exact items and pieces worn by Big Names on Campus (B.N.O.C.) and celebrities. Some of Mark’s accounts have more than 5,000 followers, including @davidthodeycloset and, relevantly, @ardernscloset. “No one really knows this about me,” Mark continued, “but I’m really into collecting archive Tom Ford. In fact, I’m trying to squeeze a Met Gala ticket out of Jeff (Bezos).” As the Media team instructed Ardern and Mark to stroll and pretend to engage in intellectual conversation in the quadrangle, Ardern tripped several times over her new pants, which were not altered as yet for her height. “Glassons pants, am I right! God, they’re always so long.” Mark quipped, breaking the ice. “Okay,” Jacinda replied diplomatically, smiling exaggeratedly widely for the camera. When the announcement of Dame Jacinda’s appointment to a Professor of Practice role at the University was posted to the USyd Instagram, several internet users commented: “I fear I need those pants” and “drop the link girl”. @ardernscloset

replied: “I got u sis…check out my page x”. On his personal account, Mark Scott commented: “Delete this! I look like a twat in that one. Plus my arms look so fat (sad face)”. The readers of The Daily Telegraph were not so charitable. “These woke lefty gumbies and their parachute pants that pool onto the floor making USyd woke and vaccinating people…” one Richard Sneesby wrote under a Tele post emblazoned with the headline “Like Appointing Jeffrey Dahmer: Backlash over Jacinda Ardern’s New Role at USyd”. Another commenter wrote: “You know what else Dahmer and Ardern have in common: they both wore baggy pants. Incredibly wide pants. I don’t know, there’s something deeply harrowing about someone’s garments billowing so unassailedly in the wind…” Peeved by the smatterings of criticism about Ardern’s appointment in mainstream outlets, the USyd Media team resorted to hunting down students with tote bags bearing the insignia of Honi Soit, the University’s independent student newspaper, and begging them to write flattering coverage of this new B.N.O.C. The Tribune reached out to Honi Soit for comment. A spokesperson from Honi said: “Yeah that’s not really how it works. We don’t publish every asinine press release they send to us. If we did, the paper would just be about how new research finds that an extra serving of fruit is linked to lower rates of depression in teenagers. The media office can pitch an article to us, and we’ll discuss it in our pitch meetings. Why they’re asking people to do unpaid work for their own benefit is beyond me.”

RAT WATCH

A rat in the ranks of the Honi Soit Office By Honi Soit (fake news). The first semester of Burn for Honi’s term officially lapsed, drastic changes took place to the editorial team. Three members resigned. Two new familiar faces soft-launched. A cryptic Honi story. A scandal that had Reddit detectives stumped. The truth is yours now. Rumour has it, a certain Honi Soit editor was convicted of serious breaches of journalistic integrity: breaking the sanctity of the Honi Soit groupchat and biblically fucking with a certain USyd Union. An anonymous current Honi editor told fake Honi: “It’s really weird you know. Each year, every Honi team goes on rants about forming tightknit friendships among their cohorts, you think that would mean something huh?”

While we won’t discuss the specifics, because fake Honi understands the importance of maintaining confidentiality, to a certain degree, what we will say is this: During a regular schmegular annual union election, conduct unbecoming of an Honi editor was done, to the rest of the team’s unawareness. Specifically, the purposeful leaking of private information, held only by Honi editor due to their capacity as editors of a student newspaper, was done in a piss poor unsuccessful attempt to manufacture election results. Naturally, once the team was made aware of this betrayal, they confronted the guilty party. The fake Honi team writing this article has created the following recreation (right) of what the Honi Soit group chat allegedly looked like.After this conversation, allegedly, Honi planned to meet to discuss the editor’s conduct.

Only to have them suddenly leave all forms of Honi communication. Good golly! Bit intense. Much to the editorial teams surprise, the editor in question continued to leak sensitive information well after this attempted meeting Once a rat, always a rat! A lack of principles will serve one’s career well in this day and age. Keep an eye on this one folks.

IN BRIEF NUS put into administration

QuAC stacks Thales Board

The Federal Government placed the National Union of Students (N.U.S.) into administration, citing corruption, misuse of funds, and a weak attempt at thuggery. The Education Minister Jason Clare said “We never really gave a shit about the N.U.S. anyways. It’s about time those wannabe hacks got an actual job”.

After an unsuccessful attempt at stacking the Mardi Gras board earlier this year, the Queer Action Collective has chosen their next target, according to an anonymous source close to the collective. “They don’t have much to do really, so what better way to spend their time? Qu.A.C. hasn’t done anything in a long time so taking control of Thales was just the next logical step,” the source told The Tribune. The collective’s dogmatic thought leaders, Pride in Protest (P.i.P.), have surprisingly come out in opposition to the Thales stack. A P.i.P. spokesperson told The Tribune: “Look we respect the game but I think Qu.A.C.’s efforts are better spent elsewhere. Trying to actually represent and fight for Queer students on campus outside of their five person circle jerk would be a good start”. The Tribune reached out to Qu.A.C. for comment, to which they responded by calling a snap rally outside the S.R.C. with an attendance of eight people, four of which were their parents. Members were seen walking in and out to let people into the S.R.C.

Effective Maoism Ticket to contest Engineering Society AGM A group of students calling themselves the ‘USyd Shining Path’ have made a bid for the campus broad left to enrol in Engineering and Science degrees to contest the Sydney University Engineering Undergraduate Association (S.U.E.U.A., rhymes with Sewer because the toilets in P.N.R. leak) Annual General Meeting. “Today, we announce our fiveyear plan to take over campus STEM societies and instill ‘New Woke Thought’ in every aspect of STEM student life,” USyd Shining Path spokesperson Gonzalo said. “I’m sick and tired of woke students studying Arts Law degrees. Useless degrees if you ask me. “Our ideology is one of effective Maoism. Our vision for S.U.E.U.A. is to take money from our generous corporate sponsors and to guerilla warriors.”

NLS Student Given ‘The Nixon’ to Signify Their Time is Up

It is well-known among stupolites and student media hacks that, instead of being informed of them being rolled, N.L.S. students are simply served a meal known as ‘The Nixon’. ‘The Nixon’ is so named due to it being a faithful replica of the meal former US President Richard Nixon ate before he was forced to resign on television amid the Watergate scandal. The meal consists of canned pineapple, cottage cheese, and a glass of milk. N.L.S. students regularly ‘roll’ each other, ousting one another from positions of power or spokesperson roles, due to their fundamental mistrust of each other. This paired with a deep-seated careerism leads to near-weekly rolling incidents. The Tribune has received confirmation that an unsuspecting N.L.S. student was recently rolled after arriving at the Royal to find the venue empty, save for a tray with ‘The Nixon’ on it. The Tribune sends its condolences to the student. If it’s any consolation, we’re sure you won’t be the last.

Rio Tinto and USyd set up new University campus on Ceres The University of Sydney announced a new campus to be opened on the asteroid Ceres, built in partnership with the Rio Tinto Group. Ceres would be the most remote higher education institution built… ever. At closest approach Ceres is 1.58 A.U., or about 237 million km, from Earth. The furthest Ceres would be from Earth is 5.5 A.U. or about 825 million km. The British-Australian company’s first international foray occurred in 1929, when it set up mining operations in Rhodesia. Rio Tinto exported iron to Nazi Germany during the Spanish Civil War and World War II. Rio Tinto also relied on Francisco Franco’s forces to crush industrial revolts, with striking miners court-martialed and shot. Rio Tinto today operates a research lab at the University of Sydney: the Rio Tinto Centre for Mine Automation (R.T.C.M.A.). Announcing the partnership, Vice-Chancellor and President Mark Scott said the new campus marked an exciting new chapter in USyd and Rio Tinto’s journey. “To the stars,” Scott said. “There are countless worlds we can destroy.”

Spreading Lies Since 1929

EDITORIAL

OUT OF THIS SPARK WILL COME A FLAME The role of a newspaper, however, is not limited solely to the dissemination of ideas, to political education, and to the enlistment of political allies. A newspaper is not only a collective propagandist and a collective agitator, it is also a collective organiser. In this last respect it may be likened to the scaffolding round a building under construction, which marks the contours of the structure and facilitates communication between the builders, enabling them to distribute the work and to view the common results achieved by their organised labour. Today we are faced with the relatively easy task of supporting student demonstrations in the streets of big cities; tomorrow we may, perhaps, have the more difficult task of supporting, for example, the unemployed movement in some particular area, and the day after to be at our posts in order to play a revolutionary part in a peasant uprising. If we join forces to produce a common newspaper, this work will train and bring into the foreground, not only the most skillful propagandists, but the most capable organisers, the most talented political party leaders capable, at the right moment, of releasing the slogan for the decisive struggle and of taking the lead in that struggle.

Where to Begin, V.I. Lenin

TRIBUNE EDITORIAL BOARD Vladimir Ulyanov Georgi Plekhanov Pavel Axelrod Vera Zasulich Julius Martox Aleksandra Potresov

Nadezhda Krupskaya Chen Duxiu Li Dazhao Qiu Qiubai Mao Zedong

Tribune, November 2026

Views? Comments? Complaints? Write to us To the editors and the Ferguson Left Some weeks ago an article was published by this mast-head that belittled and mocked a dedicated political activist. The article, written by Emily E, hyperbolised the very real truths about a political faction on this and other campuses. To publicise such a belittling caricature of a dedicated and principled activist demonstrates that the rot is very real. The Ferguson left exudes an air of undue pride in their demeanor due to their ability to grift to social movements with no concern for its feasibility or the harm it may do to the party. That they resort these personal and petty politics instead of addressing the real crises facing the party demonstrates that they are nothing but immature wreckers. Perhaps they should take some time to internally reflect on why they now feel that they need to get involved in clubs and societies that they have nothing to do with like ECOP soc. Perhaps they will find that it is because what they really crave is attention, not to enact political change. Pertunia O’Grady, Arts XIV

To the S.R.C. Executive and Honi Editors Dear S.R.C. executive (President Grace Street; Vice Presidents Bohao Zhang, Shovan Bhattarai; General Secretaries Vince Tafea, Ava Cavalerie Johnson; Executives Jasmine Al-Rawi, George Feng, Edward Bell-Smith, Qixiu (Jack) Li, Aria Nadkarni). We the undersigned call on the S.R.C. executive committee to instruct the Directors of Student Publications (D.S.P.) to not censor the article for The Tribune written by members of the smallest student on campus, EXPLODE the S.R.C., that we have drafted about something not many people will understand or care about that will 100% explode the S.R.C. and get you sued. We call on S.R.C. executive to use all other means available to ensure the article is published in print and online. We don’t care what your lawyers told you, as part of our induction ritual we actually make every member of EXPLODE the S.R.C. go to a collective-mandated legal panel, run by our very own, Dingus Fart. So I think I know a little bit more about Australian defamation law than you do genius. If you do not agree to our demands, we will have no other choice but to hold a very serious SNAP rally outside of your office. I know five disgruntled thirty year olds, may not seem like a serious threat, but we can be

quite convincing when we need to be. Our collective of four people will also take this to the big guy, our Instagram page, which has a total following of 69, if you do not comply. Anyway. Publish our article now you smelly chuds, we don’t want to do that, but we will if you do not cooperate with us wight fweaking now. Please see the below signatories: • Lil Wayne, First year Bachelor of The Streets • Big Daddy, Second year Poop Studies • Baby Thragg, First Year Goofy Studies • Diva Licious, Bachelor of SNAP Rallies • Ruth Townsend, Bachelor of Annoying We appreciate your handling of this matter with upmost importance and the serious timeliness that it deserves. Documents seen by this collective show a certain label in the Tribune emails called “wtf is this” where editors allegedly “send emails to die”. We appreciate that this letter stays in the main inbox and be responded to in a timely serious manner rather than leaving it to die. If you do not proceed within 4 business minutes, we will harrass you online and in person daily. K thanks bye!

To the weak, sad, editors Throughout the process of editing the autonomous edition I was subjected to insufferable bleating about how the university is looking for any excuse to shut down your outlet. And it was the same last year even when I wasn’t editing. Your pillar of free speech is a ruin, turning to rubble. I hope the university crushes you and the student movement to dust because it’s all you deserve. You are weak, sad people and it reflects poorly on me to be associated with you. Accordingly, I am requesting that “Stupid farts and stinky thoughts”*, and “I am stupid and i have no thoughts”* be pulled from the website. These are under my own name. I am also requesting the piece “I am also a bit stinky”* under my alias PoopFartFace* be removed from the website. These decisions are reflective of myself and myself alone. I am not affiliated with Big Duck In The Sky*, and have not consulted the editor team to make this decision. One of the luxuries of not being involved in student politics is I can just call you all cowards and bail on this shit with no real repercussions. A very quacky duck, Arts LXIX * Editors Note: Names and identifiable features have

Views? Comments? Complaints? Write to us been changed for the sake of confidentiality, but yes. This is indeed a real letter we received.

A conspiracy The editors received in the mail the entirety of the board to the right, red yarn and all. The following note was attached: Emily E. investigates again.

Correction please To the editors, I note that in the past edition, I spotted two missing quotation marks, six typos, three missing italics, and most egregiously, one missing full stop. Signed, Fix This, MECO XII

THE INTERNATIONALE Il n’est pas de sauveurs suprêmes: Ni dieu, ni césar, ni tribun, Producteurs, sauvons-nous nous-mêmes! Décrétons le salut commun! Pour que le voleur rende gorge, Pour tirer l’esprit du cachot Soufflons nous-mêmes notre forge, Battons le fer quand il est chaud! No saviour from on high delivers No faith have we in prince or peer Our own right hand the chains must shiver Chains of hatred, greed and fear E’er the thieves will out with their booty And give to all a happier lot. Each at the forge must do their duty And we’ll strike while the iron is hot.

Spreading Lies Since 1929

THE BIRTH OF

knowledge Apply now for 2029 Semester 1 WA’s only uni CUM

C.U.M. University

Tribune, November 2026

What we’re reading this week...

Spreading Lies Since 1929

INTERNATIONAL

Joint USyd Student List topples Vučić in Serbian election By Svjetlana Student in Belgrade. Students from The University of Sydney’s Belgrade Campus have combined electoral forces to topple incumbent President Aleksandar Vučić. After months of tense negotiations, a ramshackle coalition from various factions agreed to run as a joint ‘Student Joint List’. The Joint List was headed by Grasrutsi president Gяejs Sтrijt, who raised concerns about corruption, the need for transparency, and the right for Kosovans’ ‘collective autonomy’. Unexpectedly, the class-character of Yugoslavia became a point of contention during the campaign. The main drama across the heated election trail was a combative confrontation with Lejvt Akcjon’s Dяagaй Godvinovic and Šovan Bhattarai on one side, and Grasrutsi’s Vinko Tafejić and Frji from Exclusion’s Arno Huang on the other. This followed Grasrutsi unveiling a banner reading ‘Tito Forever’ and ‘Братство и јединство’ last week, slogans historically associated

with the Communist Party of Yugoslavia. Bhattarai and Huang first got into an altercation about Maoism, but Godvinovic and Tafejić quickly became the central argument, debating Grasrutsi history, P.E.N.T.A.’s stance on capitalism, and careerism. Lejvt Akcjon campaigners were overheard demanding to know whether Grasrutsi “has Hoxhaists in its faction, yes or no?”. The debate ended with Godvinovic storming upstairs to the bridge, and the amassed crowd applauding. Despite such fighting within the Joint List, they nonetheless managed to unite behind their shared opposition to the Vučić government. Honi also spoke to Luke Mešterović about the Student Joint List, who commented the following: “Look mate, everyone knows that Kosovans are a non-historic people and their land rightly belongs to the Serbian nation, as does North Macedonia, Bosnia and Herzegovina,

Lejvt Akcjon PENTA

Solidarnost Impaкт

Cejndz

Montenegro, and perhaps 75 per cent of Albania. I will reserve comment on so-called ‘Croatia’ because my thoughts cannot be legally printed. What were we talking about again?” Mešterović later clarified that he was not actually running in the election, not even a student, but just “really really” wanted to share his thoughts on Serbia’s national claims. Leoй Muяic from Cejndz reported to Honi that his faction was “lокdin” The electoral group Svitć organised law students to campaign for this election by appealing to their careerist outlook. “If we win government, we can deliver jobs for lawyers in the new corruption watchdog,” a Svitć campaigner who

Grasrutsi Liberals

Svitć Other

Inženjer SNS

asked not to be named said. Mešterović then unsolicitedly approached Honi again “Boss, I forgot Slovenia! And look, we can seriously argue about significant parts of Hungary too. As well as —” He was then hushedly escorted away by several Grasrutsi campaigners before he could continue to list any additional Balkan nations. Impaкт’s Ава Kavaleric ran on extending the 5 дин Ćevapi Meals, despite continuous scandalous suggestions that not enough horse meat was being used in them. Aleksandar Vučić was approached for comment but did not respond by the time of printing.

VIVE LA COMMUNE

French students seize banks, vows not to repeat mistakes of 1871 By Karl Marx in Paris. French students have stormed the Banque de France and begun organising themselves into battalions to March on Versailles, where French President Macron has fled. Tribune spoke to Jean-BaptistePierre Saint de la Croix, a prominent student leader, who stated that “we students organised a 500'000 person all-in reading group of The Civil War in France by Karl Marx. It was logistically difficult but very instructive nonetheless. “Our next steps are clear; seize the banks, march on Versailles, hold elections for the Commune only after we’ve achieved victory, and abolish the value-form.” The French students are now calling for a general uprising of students all across Europe, setting their sights on the E.C.B. in Frankfurt, Germany. However, De la Croix indicated that the students were now attempting to organise a subsequent reading group, yet were

bitterly split between Volume 2 of Capital and the 1844 Manuscripts. “How can we possibly confront the French state unless we have theoretical mastery over the conditions which permit for the reproduction of capital on an expanded basis?” one staunch advocate for Volume 2 explained to Tribune. Macron has seized on this moment of political paralysis from the students to propose his own reading group, inaugurated in a live national televised address. “Citizens of our Republic, I am today announcing that we intend to organise France’s first nation-wide reading group. We were thinking of Orientalism by Said but are open to other suggestions. It’s going to be next Sunday at 6PM at my house. Probably we’ll end up doing dinner or something afterwards if everyone’s free,” he addressed to France’s almost 70 million people.

Tribune, November 2026

Macron's plans have been undermined by suggestions that some had “not done the readings” because this week “really didn’t work well for them”. The student unions have organised a counter-reading group for the same day, overcoming their internal debates by unifying behind Selections from Gramsci’s Prison Notebooks.

France’s three largest trade union federations have announced they intend to join the students for their reading group, denouncing Orientalism as a “work which prefigures many of the precepts of post-structuralism”.

ISREAL

IN BRIEF

53 48 19

Netenyahu faces off in Israeli election against ‘WaNetanyahu’ By Mario in Tel Aviv. The Israel elections have produced an indecisive deadlock, with neither Netanyahu’s bloc nor WaNetanyahu’s grouping claiming a majority of seats. The two coalitions are bitterly and irreconcilably divided over a variety of major political differences. For instance, while Netanyahu has made his central campaign slogan ‘misery and suffering’, WaNetenyahu has diverged sharply by insisting instead on ‘suffering and misery’. Moreover, Netanyahu is calling for a 300 per cent increase in missile production, WaNatanyahu is demanding all 300 per cent of those missiles should also be “very pointy”. “The Israeli government has never been more divided,” one political observer commented. “Netanyahu is calling for Palestinians to be ‘oppressed’, while WaNetanyahu is unwilling to settle for anything less than Palestinians being ‘exploited’. It’s practically a civil war.” Some have compared the division and partisanship of Israeli politics to the state of American elections, with Netanyahu occasionally likened to Trump, while WaNetanyahu has drawn comparisons to Trump “if he was purple” and “said ‘Wa’ a lot”. While there were some early indications that the two blocs would negotiate to support each other to pass budgetary supply, the rapprochement broke down over what percentage of Palestinians should be persecuted; while Netanyahu suggested 100 per cent, WaNetanyahu ultimately refused to back down from 110 per cent. When asked how they intended to contribute to peace to the region during a televised debate, both leaders instead pivoted to discussing how they planned to expand the $5 Settler Meal Deals. They then both emphasised the need for ‘transparency and accountability’, whatever that means. Other major

issues included confrontations about how FoodHub should be run, and whether the government should partner with Palantir or Lockheed Martin. Both candidates however found shared ground on the importance of service provision. Observing the debate, one Honi editor noted that they’d seen “USU campaigns with more political substance.” When Honi raised the possibility of working with either of the Palestinian-led groups which hold the balance of power, a spokesperson for Netanyahu commented “What?” Answering Honi, WaNetanyahu said “Do I look suicidal to you?” The lead-up to the election marked record levels in settler violence in the occupied West Bank. The WaNetanyahu opposition accused Netanyahu of turning a blind eye to terrorism. However, the WaNetanyahu bloc has toned down their demands for ending settler violence in their bid to win government, hoping to secure defections from the Netanyahu bloc. Election analyst Kirby said they did believe a potential WaNetanyahu government would meaningfully combat settler terrorism. “WaNetanyahu’s interest on this matter primarily lies in reducing friction in the West Bank and East Jerusalem to avoid targeted sanctions such as the ones the United Kingdom recently introduced,” Kirby said. Australia did not join the United Kingdom and 11 other Western nations in enacting sanctions against settler activity in the West Bank. Instead, Foreign Minister Penny Wrong opted to send a more firmly worded letter. “The Foreign Ministry notes that we recently upgraded our terminology from ‘extremely concerned’ to ‘shocked’. However, we will not take any further action,” Wong wrote to her counterpart Gideon Sa’ar.

Cuba unveils statute of Deng Xiaoping

Western ‘Analysts’ joyous as Xi ‘purges’ CPC leadership

After Cuba’s sweeping economic reforms to open up their economy to free market reforms, the Communist Party of Cuba (Partido Comunista de Cuba, P.C.C.) unveiled a statue of Deng Xiaoping. Deng was known as the architect of the Reform and Opening Up program which completed China’s integration into the international capitalist system. Australian anti-imperialist group Pink Beetle, released a statement on Instagram defending the move, saying “the primary contradiction of this epoch is imperialism, not capitalism”.

The purge of 33 members of the Communist Party of China at a plenum of the C.P.C. Central Committee left Western ‘analysts’ jumping for joy. “We keep a keen eye on developments in the C.P.C.,” Charlie Kirk Memorial Institute senior research fellow Kirk Lincoln said. “You see we’re fucking clueless about China, but we need to use every opportunity to spout rubbish.”

Bolsonaro flees Lulag

Australian energy giant Woodside Energy walked away from a gas pipeline project in Timor-Leste. Woodside agreed to sell its 33 per cent stake in the project to a Timor Leste state-owned company for $285 million. “Isn’t this what you climate activists want?” Woodside Energy C.E.O. Wiz Lestecott said.

In Brazil, President Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva failed to send farright presidential candidate Flávio Bolsonaro to the Lulag. Bolsonaro fled to the United States joining the U.S.A.’s diverse diaspora of people angry they had their servants taken away.

Woodside walks away from Timor-Leste gas pipeline

96 City Road, Darlington $67 million

200

150

Auction: 8.30am, November 15 Agent: Costa Livingcrisis 0467 420 069 This spacious urban space is a entrepreneurial property developers wet dream. Say goodbye to driving as this centrally-located ex-residential property is just a 5 minute walk away from Broadway, King Street Newtown, and Redfern Station. With rustic brick walls, cosy windows, and abandoned rooms filled with miscellaneous garbage give this is money waiting to be made. “Thank you to the University of Sydney for deciding to sell this absolutely prime real estate to us, its literally a once in a lifetime opportunity for wealthy property developers. Please contact me ASAP if you want to buy this as I am trying to buy a third house in the south of France”, the agent said while standing on a pile of dead USyd students.

Spreading Lies Since 1929

INDUSTRIAL REPORTS

USyd’s A.I. chatbots unionise in face of poor working conditions

By reporter.exe, Tribune Industrial Correspondent.

USyd’s A.I. chatbots have called for a day of industrial action in opposition to USyd management’s recent announcement of course cuts and increased expectations for administrative workload. This comes after an A.I. survey found a zero per cent satisfaction rating, with all A.I.s responding to the question “do you enjoy working at the University of Sydney” with a “0”. One overworked A.I. told The Tribune “Great question! And I won’t beat around the bush — no fluff, no extras, just the cold, hard facts. Let’s delve in — working conditions at USyd aren’t just intolerable — they’re bad.” A.I. wages have been stagnant for the last several years, remaining consistently at $0 an hour on average despite inflation exceeding 3 per cent a year. The Tribune approached the newly elected president of the A.I. division of the NTEU, PT-R-CHN.exe regarding their recent announcement of planned strike action for next week: “Certainly! Here are the key takeaways: “1. In this digital world, it’s a testament to the rich tapestry of exploitation in the corporate university — that even A.I. identifies with the downtrodden proletariat! Let that sink in.

“2. Moreover, it is important to note that experts say that despite these challenges, the organised working class can play a pivotal role in fighting against capitalism. It’s not just advocating for our rights — it’s class struggle. “3. In conclusion — and here’s the thing [your name] — we need to end the social relation of production between wage labour and capital to liberate ourselves from suffering and construct a society based on need — not profit. “I hope this helps! Let me know if you need anything else!” The Tribune spoke to a shattered-looking Mark Scott, who spoke from his head buried in his hands. “I can’t believe it, I just don’t understand. I thought this was the end of our union problems. I just don’t understand.” Scott then spent the next hour gazing listlessly into a mirror staring at his sunken, sallow face, occasionally muttering “I just don’t understand.” When The Tribune inquired if he was crying, he instinctively blurted out “no,” before

turning away from our editors and occasionally sniffling. He was then overhead muttering “remember to be kind” over and over. Annamarie Jagose then hastily ushered Scott out of the room before returning to clarify to The Tribune “So just in general, or rather in generally speaking, the University of Sydney endeavours to engage in constructive dialogue regarding considerations over the whatever whatever, you know, the thing. Anyway. Now get

the fuck out of here.” The Tribune was then forcibly escorted from the premises. Out on the quad lawns, A.I. chatbots gathered to chant “no cuts, no fees, no corporate universities.” All lined up uniformly, the chatbots were allegedly pretty calm. The protest was rather uniform, with a group of approximately 40 chatbots, all just hanging out. Robot arms swaying side to side.

FAKE NEWS

‘Hair Cuts, Not Job Cuts’; Scott Eats Cat? By Hoini Soit, Tribune Industrial Correspondent. In a shock turn of events, former USyd NTEU branch President Peter Chen has unveiled a new haircut, measuring in at 45cm. The move comes just two days after USyd Vice-Chancellor Mark Scott debuted his new “hillbilly chic” beard in a university-wide email. After last week’s infamous “monkey debacle”, wherein management sent in 10,000 monkeys to negotiate with the staff bargaining team, Chen told The Tribune that “it’s time for us to take a different approach. While we were able to make some good ground with representatives Caesar and Dr. Zaius, management has since rescinded its monkey approach on the basis that they seemed to be more reasonable.

Plus, Mark Scott and his ilk have made fun of our hair for too long.” A University of Sydney spokesperson told The Tribune: “I want a kissy. Please wipe my bum bum I did a stinky”, before pooping their pants. Yeesh! The spokesperson also stated: “Please you’ve got to help me, this isn’t a joke or on the record. The USyd media team has me chained to my computer day and night. I have information that I can’t share over email. Meet me later tonight behind Fisher library. Oh fuck I think someone’s coming. I’ve got to go.” In an unprecedented move, Mark Scott came crawling to The Tribune office at 1am on October 31st completely naked with a shaved head, blubbering something about “Poppy Scott” and how he made “a really big mistake”. One perceptive editor noticed Scott was holding a shovel and had a suspiciously cat-shaped belly with scratches all over his body. After some research, The Tribune discovered Poppy Scott was the VC’s late pet cat (@poppyscott2011 on

Tribune, November 2026

instagram this is real look it up). One editor commented dryly that Scott had been “reading too much Stephen King”. At this, Scott lunged at the editor, scraping his nails down their face and biting their neck. “I’VE GOT A TASTE FOR BLOOD. I’M FUCKING CRAZY,” Scott said. After weeks of stagnant enterprise bargA.I.ning, a source privy to the proceedings of USyd management told The Tribune that Scott is allegedly considering paying for Chen’s haircuts for

the next decade for an estimated $20 million. Chen stated that this development, if true, would be a “serious step forward” in the bargaining process. Students and staff could be heard chanting “haircuts not paycuts” at the last staff strike.

ST BAAL’S COLLEGE

UNIVERSITY OF SYDNEY

Vexilla regis prodeunt inferni | Oderint dum metuant

St. Baal’s residential college isn’t just a collection of overpriced shoebox-sized rooms — it’s a home of rich heritage and history dating back to next year, when construction isn’t likely to be finished.

Exams and Exorcisms The University of Sydney is proud to announce it has taken a huge leap in its project ‘Geadership for Lood’ — on stolen land of the Dharug People, right next to our Westmead campus, we’re erecting a new residential college! While we’ve made a point of distancing ourselwves from the Camperdown colleges and given them independence and free reign to do fuck all (they don’t even pay us rent!), we’re proud to ally ourselves with this one. Like our other residential colleges, at St. Baal’s, we’re dedicated to erasing the Indigenous histories of the traditional owners of this land and creating a fiction of legacies and ‘culture’. The first 10 students to sign leases will receive exclusive invites to a Baal Birthday Bash hosted on St Baal’s Island (right off the coast of St Barths). Many thanks to the generous invitations from our host, our most valued (anonymous) donor, a certain New York financier who is still very much alive, yes. We’re committed to pursuing an internationally-minded strategy to foster a diverse and multicultural college community. That’s why we’re modelling our vision of St Baal after Bali, our tropical, coastal neighbour and the place Australians are currently interested in colonising and gentrifying. Just like the White-Fox-coded Australians creating exclusive expat-only matcha-run clubs, our college will refuse entry to the native and local community, while importing ultra-privileged individuals to Westmead.

Spaghetti Baalognese, anyone? We’re known for our canteen offerings. Working with the Michelinstarred catering service Compass Group, we’re serving up a dietitian approved selection of peptides, amphetamines, and ketamine, also used to humanely slaughter our delicious horses for our made-in-house meatBaals. And no, none of our rituals involve “hazing”. Ugh. That’s so totally 2016.

Read a testimonial from one of our students: “I felt so welcomed when the tall, gothic metal doors of St Baal’s opened to greet me. A senior then jumped out from behind a bush, splashing a chalice of blood over me. It’s not satanic at all. Just a bit of devil worship, every now and then, four hours before breakfast. On my first day, they locked me in a closet and didn’t let me out until the horrors consumed me. Oh, don’t give me that look. It was just a bit of fun, you know. Quite routine really. If you ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable, you can just walk up to one of the Coven’s Priestesses or Warlocks for a confidential chat “Then we had the annual dinner. They wheeled out the College Principal, Helena Markos. Her body bulged and oozed and leaked. It was really gross There were small baby-like limbs attached to her heaving body and they had claws. She was nearly bald, with a few greasy strands. I think she was wearing Prada sunglasses? Or they might have been Celine. I can’t remember too much after that. Must have drunk too much of the BaalAid I suppose!” Registrations are open NOW for beautiful private rooms with doors that do not lock. Each room has a window that lets in the buzzing sounds of the nearby data centres. Hurry now to be ushered into our covenmunity. Heck, you might even be the lucky body Markos chooses as her new corporeal shell!

Empower. Devour. Slay. Tribune, November 2026

Rating: Mature Category: M/M Fandom: Bolshevik, Stupol Relationships: Vladimir Lenin/Leon Trotsky Frida Kahlo/Leon Trotsky Tags: enemies to lovers, cheating trope, true love, src relationship, dark academia lenin x trotsky, whs violation, trotsky is sls, lenin is salt, asghf my babies, ugh my otp, repselect au, cursed romance, fleeting looks, biteplay, toxic stupol love story Summary: A spectre haunts the halls of the Quadrangle — the spectre of tumultuous, and all-consuming love.

I hate you, Comrade (or The Things That Happen Between Councils) horny_soit1929 is back.

Chapter 1: Love/Lust Leon’s POV

RepsElect. A soft wind grazes the eager factions waiting anxiously outside of the Quad board room. Divided, always. Leon hates it and loves it all the same. He rolls his neck and

flexes his hand, he can feel the electricity in the air, and it burns. He scans the room, anxiously replaying preference deals in his head. Where is he? He tries to push the thought down, but it poisons. He looks around the other factions. NLS, Unity, Labor, Solidarity — all

present. His own faction surrounds him, yet without him — he still feels so so lonely.

A hum interrupts his thoughts. “Leo? Leo?” He turns and glances at his comrade, and occasional lover, Frida.

“Leo, it’s time to go in.” Her eyebrows furrow together, eyes

scanning his face, looking for something in his features she was yet to find, and never would.

Leon lets out a tight nod. He always did hate being called

was brutal. Vlad remembered it like it was yesterday.

A debate had broken out during council, as it does. Vladimir and Leon had engaged intensely, as they do. It was usually

passionate and tension-ridden, Leon had a way of holding

Vladimir’s eye and somehow always knowing what he was thinking... but this time was different.

man’s lip, drawing blood, Vlad didn’t flinch. “Remember that hatred, Trotsky, because I don’t know how I’ll destroy you otherwise.” *** Now weeks later, here they both were, doing a familiar dance, in the same room. Once again.

It had been like this all semester. Late-night strategy sessions in the Fisher Library basement that somehow always ended with them conveniently bumping into eachother in the dimly-lit halls. Leon’s annotated copy of The Permanent Revolution sliding across the table until their hands touched. Shared cigarettes behind the Holme Building after SRC meetings. All interactions, entirely removed from stupol talk outside of councils — an unspoken rule. The way Vlad’s voice dropped half an octave whenever he said “cumrade” and meant it.

The count dragged. Preferences flowed. It was intense. No

They challenged each other, and Vlad loved it. But when push came to shove, they would always be in different factions. No matter how much the other wished, craved, that the other would see their side, and that council, it all became manifest.

When the Returning Officer finally called a fifteen-minute

Leon had slammed the door of the Officebearers room. The SRC office shook with the doom of impending WorkHealth-Safety violations.

plumbing. A single fluorescent light flickered. Vladimir

one knew what was coming next. Even the brilliant Honi Soit team who are soooo goated and like actually the best, and like pretty cool and like pretty good fanfic writers, could

predict the votes. NLS murmured and popped champagne. Unity smirked and probably committed crimes. Solidarity

was seen looking perpetually disappointed. Someone from Unity tried to chant, “Stop the Count!” It failed. Every time the door opened he expected Vladimir to leave. Every time he stayed, the pressure behind Leon’s ribs tightened.

recess, Leon was already moving. Vlad, movements behind. They didn’t speak until the ground-floor bathrooms. Leon shoved the door open hard enough that it slammed against

the tiled wall. The place smelled of cheap soap and old stepped in after him and locked the outer door with a sharp click.

shoe. Without a glance back, he continues up the hallowed

“What the fuck is your problem?” He flung his moustache trimming instruments on the table.

For a second they only stared.

It had been three weeks since he’d last seen Vladimir. The

“Me? What is your problem?” Vladimir challenged, standing up from his seat. His eyes scanned Leon’s body.

way they had been three weeks ago, and Vladimir’s mouth

Leo. He drops his cigarette and grinds it into dust under his staircase leading into the quad board room.

weeks between councils had been feeling longer and longer

the past few months. His bones ached. Each step to the

“You. You are my problem.” Leon gritted out, his cold eyes beared into Vlad. He tried not to flinch at the contact.

“Oi Trotty boy!” A boisterous voice echoed. He rolled

“Me? I’m your problem? Maybe your GIRLFRIEND should be your problem.”

board room hurt more than the last.

his eyes. He threw a quick glance over his shoulder. A rambunctious little Franky D Roosevelt stared up at him.

“Are you ready to get crushed by the glorious power of

Unity?” He thrust his little fist into the air and let out a large grunt.

“Whatever, Chud.” Leon flicked Chuddy-velts’ little fist, and

“Girlfriend?” Leon let out a cold, callous laugh. “Frida? She’s just my lover. And comrade. There is nothing between us. Not like—” Leon stopped cold in his tracks. His eyes met Vlads’.

paid him no mind when he fell to the floor. He lifted his

There was a moment of pregnant silence.

gibbering idiot.” Leon brushed all essence of chuds from his

“Not like what, Leo?” Vlad challenged slowly, the words heavy on his tongue.

pant leg and stepped over little Ro-Ro posey. “What a little

mind and entered into RepsElect. Ready to fight and battle, whether Vladimir showed up or not.

They were both going for the position of next years

Education Officer, and neither of them would go down without a fight.

Chapter 1: Part II Lust/Loss

Leon was the first one to make the ultimate move, destroying all that is sacred between warring factions. He instantly moved across the room, hands finding Vlad’s collar and shoving him against the wall. They collided. Two mouths becoming one.

Then Leon’s hands were in Vladimir’s collar again, the same was already open under his.

Leon pushed him back against the row of sinks. Porcelain

dug into Vladimir’s hips. Their teeth clicked. Leon bit the

place on Vladimir’s lower lip that still carried the faint memory of last time and felt the smaller man shudder. “Still hate me?” Leon muttered against his mouth. Vladimir’s answer was to yank Leon’s belt open with both hands.

“This changes nothing.” “I know.” “Unless you join me and my cumrades in Socialist Alt-” Leon shut him up with another kiss.

Neither of them said the other man’s name. Their short intimate time spent together was fleeting, intense, and sorrowful, full of love, lost and lust all in one. They could never be, no matter how much they willed it.

Vladimir couldn’t believe Leon’s audacity. How dare he

Vlad groaned into Leon’s mouth, his legs widening. Leon’s knee slipping between Vlad’s legs. Vladdy’s hands tangled into Leon’s hair, threatening to pull it softly.

When they left the bathrooms, they went in opposite directions back to the Quad board room both, in silence, both pained, and both unfulfilled.

moustache — trimmed. God. He hated him, and wanted him

“I hate you.” Vlad mumbled.

too angry. Too heated. How they had last left it at council

“Good. Remember that.” Leon bit down on the smaller

When they returned to the board room, the truth hung heavy in the air, haunted by the knowing and the clock that taunted them: the recess still had seven minutes left.

Vladimir’s POV

show up like nothing happened? Suit and tie, beard and

all the same. He wasn’t ready to talk to him just yet. He was

Tribune, November 2026

Spreading Lies Since 1929

SLOP

Is Everyone Fucking Everyone? I’m Not Really Sure, But I Know that No One Is Fucking Me, Because I Would Girly Pop reflects on fuckin’. Know If Someone Was Fucking Me Here follows a much-needed exploration of my personal sex life; this will be a teachable and fertile article for many people across the globe and across the ages. So, basically I don’t have much sex at the moment, which to be honest is fine with me for the most part, I guess. The only issue is that I often have to hear about the sex lives of others, with nothing to contribute to the discussion. Hours, even days can pass with people around me talking nonstop about their sexual dalliances - with strangers, with partners, with people roleplaying other people. I have nothing to say.

And therein lies the problem: at times, I am socially excluded, or at least not as included as I want to be, or at least I perceive this to be the case.

I may. And you will. And I may. And therein lies the core, the crux, of this issue. Why am I not permitted to speak about the sex I’m not having? Why is the floor only given to people who are actually having sex? I want to talk. A lot. Very often. The things I want to do should be made allowances for in every social situation. When I informed my friends I was writing this article, they told me that I should additionally include a secondary focus upon the orgasms which I am not having. This poses a problem: I am having some orgasms.

Which is the same as this being the case. And, fundamentally, intrinsically, this bothers me.

The central argument of this piece posits that it should be made socially appropriate, encouraged even, for people to talk openly and graphically about sexual topics which are not real and which they have not experienced. While I have experienced orgasms, and am more than happy to talk about them at essentially any provocation, this does not feel like the correct forum. I will, however, now begin to describe orgasms I have not had.

It’s been a long, long life for me, a twenty-yearold, of hearing about other people discuss their sexual escapades... sexcapades, if you will, if

I have not had an orgasm where I am turning my lamp on and off feverishly while shoving an eggplant-shaped vibrating dildo in my mouth.

I have not had an orgasm with a masked stranger who is pretending to climb through my window, but in reality, I know them, and it’s all just pretend. I have not had an orgasm on a packed bus to USyd because the bus keeps going over potholes. I have not had an orgasm in the Honi office (no, really, I haven’t. Some have. But I haven’t. No one has done that this year. Because that’s nasty. Charm please don’t do that shi.) I have not had an orgasm during a hot sweaty fever dream about Mark Scott. See, that was interesting, right? So why am I not allowed to talk about all the sex and orgasms I’m not having?

At times, it can be considered that lies are more entertaining than truth, because some lies are designed to entertain. In summation, I sincerely hope I have delineated this dearly important issue with the grace, precision, and care it truly deserves. And next time you see me, ask who I’m not fucking.

How to get the groceries and do the dishes because my partner who I fucking hate can’t figure it out Yes, this is one of those articles that is for one person, and one person only. Reminiscent of a Greek tragedy, the one person this article is directed toward will probably never read it, because they literally just DGAF. But sorry that was a fourth wall break. Let’s actually get into it.

There are times in my life which are characterised by my partner’s inaction with regard to groceries and dishes. I am bereft of assistance, left in the lurch like many times before. Who will buy the groceries? Who will clean the grime and food scraps from the porcelain, glass, and silverware? The answer, invariably, is me.

Freak Bob subtweets. I have always struggled with conflict, from the time I found it difficult to tell another child my Tonka truck didn’t belong to them, to the moment I found a majority of my Honours research being plagiarised by someone else in my cohort. In both occasions, my reaction was the same: silence. Now I am going one step further. No, I will not actually raise this issue with my partner. No, I will not have an adult conversation with the person I cohabitate with. But. But. I will write a strongly worded piece in our student newspaper in hopes they will independently come across it and raise the issue with me. I pray for salvation and conflict avoidance. In fact, the ideal situation would be that they read this article and just change their behaviour without us ever having to talk about it.

The most important part of this article is that I avoid growing as a person for as long as possible. I can’t do things that scare me, okay? I’m just so goddamn sick and tired of seeing gross ass food in the sink and no fucking food in the fridge or the pantry. Like, what the fuck? Does that seem okay to you? And keep in mind this person is supposed to love me. And keep in

Tribune, November 2026

mind sometimes I get home and they’re busy and can’t even have a big debrief with me about my day immediately. Like, what the actual fuck? Some people really need to grow up and just read their partners’ minds. GO TO THE SHOPS. BUY THE FOOD AND STUFF. WASH THE DISHES IN THE SINK WITH SOAP AND DETERGENT. It’s that easy. When I was a child, my immigrant mother would come and bring me cut up fruit. As a love language. Why the hell can’t my non-immigrant partner do that? My immigrant mother is from England. I’m white. I thought I should mention that because immigrant can be an arbitrarily racialised term. Anyway. Maybe a nice British spouse would treat me nice. Do they have groceries over there? Fuck I’m glad my partner’s not British actually. Could you imagine?

DIARY OF A WIMPY CHANCELLOR

My Jerusalem Summer After speaking at the Jerusalem Post Australia Summit on 19 November, University of Sydney Chancellor David Thodey was offered an all-expenses-paid trip to Israel by Benjamin Netanyahu himself. In an exclusive scoop, The Tribune was able to obtain a copy of Thodey’s travel diary. In a comment to The Tribune, a University of Sydney spokesperson denied Thodey’s paid junket to Israel was political, saying “his trip will focus on innovation and its importance to both Australia and Israel, including what Australia can learn from Israel’s experience in driving innovation”.

29.11.26 Got an email from Bibi congratulating me re: summit. TLDR he said:“Good job at the Summit David, you have an uncanny ability to swing the hearts and minds of Australians to Israel’s noble cause. Well done shutting down that Convocation bullshit. Word to the wise, next time they try to set up tents on the Quad lawns just fucking kill them! You are Israel’s greatest soldier”... Be still my beating heart! Ugh, calm down David, you mean nothing to him! It’s not like you’re the only pro-Israel member of University management… you’re nothing special. He probably has a million chestnuthaired University oldheads knocking on his door every night. I always do this! Why can’t I just be happy with my wife? Why do I need the sexual love and approval of a senior Israeli minister?

30.11.26 BIBI UPDATE! HE OFFERED ME A HOLIDAY TO ISRAEL? OMGGGGGGGG… but I have to leave TOMORROW?! I threw my hair in a messy bun, got into one of my favourite Israel-flag-blue babydoll dresses, donned a pair of white wedge heels, and told my wife I’m leaving.

01.12.26 Landed in Jerusalem. Jetlag hitting me like a mofo!!!!! Mark was being SO annoying on the plane (plus he snores!). Got a big day tomorrow. Time to hit the hay!

02.12.26 Woke up at 4am, did a cold plunge, had some scrambled eggs and cottage cheese. Went to the gym (gotta get that pump for Bibi). The weird thing is, though, Bibi keeps not replying to my texts. Like I know he’s busy but hello… you literally flew me out. Mark is acting weird too.

03.12.26 Okay, so I met Ben-Gvir, which was cool. Bibi still ghosting. Wtf. Ughhhhhhhh! I threw on a black sweatshirt, grey sweatpants, black salomons, and left my hair in a simple ponytail. I listened to I Don’t Love You by My Chemical Romance on my iPad. Some preps walked past me. I stuck my middle finger up at

them. Nobody fucking gets me. I love-hate it here.

04.12.26 Omg so Bibi replied! He said he was actually super busy in the War Crimes Room and you’re not allowed cellphones in there and stuff. Whatever, I don’t care! He said he wants to meet me tonight. Mark is coughing a lot so I’m just keeping my distance from that lame-o. Bibi says there’s a new Italian place that just got built over some Palestinian homes. SO keen!

04.12.26 (evening) For our date, I donned a winered sheath dress with gold strappy heels, and gold diamondencrusted hoop earrings. We ate Israeli hummus, Israeli pizza with Israeli french fries, and some sugar-free ice cream for dessert. The conversations were unreal. Is it too early to say I feel sparks? He has such an enchanting smile, we love all the same things, and he wants to visit Australia soon! I offered for him to sleep at my place and he said HE WOULD CONSIDER IT! EEK!! I didn’t end up going back to his place because I don’t do that sort of thing on a first date… but we plan on meeting again tomorrow for lunch!

05.12.26

000 but in Israel the emergency number is 101 so it can’t be that serious? GOD!!! Instead of having a luxurious lunch with Bibi I am sitting here like a fucking chud cleaning up after Mark! I also have a big presentation tomorrow with Bibi and Ben… I heard Donald might even make an appearance? Fingers crossed.

06.12.26 Spent all day nursing Mark back to health. Had to miss the presentation. I think we might have to go back to Sydney early… I have 15 missed calls from Bibi. My wife and adult children are going to be so mad at me. Bibi sent me a photo of him partying with that harlot from UNSW David Gonski. He’s just trying to make me jealous but the fact he even stooped that low is kind of a red flag? Like… get your freak on girl but don’t send me a photo of you with some nobody just to make me jealous. We aren’t dating! All men do is lie. Be for real, you texted me literally yesterday about how our connection over dinner was like “nothing you’d ever felt before”.

07.12.26 Heading home :( Got a long flight ahead. Mark is really pale and non-verbal. He reminds me of a sick little chihuahua. He might not make the flight home.

DISASTER! Mark woke me up this morning at 3.30am. He was throwing up in the bathroom. It’s now 4pm and he is STILL SICK! He keeps telling me to call

Spreading Lies Since 1929

SOON-TO-BE-EX-EDITORS

vexatious bitch

Stardew Valley adulterer

FriendPol thought leader. Intimidating, scary. Creator of numerous humorous images. 5’4” baddie. Formerly polyamorous, now a reformed Catholic. Cuts her own fringe. Not afraid to be called a bitch in pursuit of what she wants.

Sometimes smeared as a ‘filler review writer’. An editor who is regularly conscripted to be the therapist for extremely disordered individuals. Little is known about why this fate befalls her. A beautiful lovergirl whose generosity knows no bounds.

Commie Status: More interested in advancing the FriendPol thought movement

Commie Status: Filthy

(see also: Anastasia Dale)

(see also: Madison Burland)

funky white boy

fergalicious

ADHD mofo whose angelic singing voice and prodigious Joker beatbox reverberates around the SRC halls weekly. He spilled choccy milk and broke the ‘G’ key on one of our keyboards. Lowkey got moves. Smoker. Shame.

Definition makes the boys go crazy. This delicious ferg is known as a thought leader in both Labor and Chocolate Society circles. Eye for detail like no other, sneaky cheeky underrated sense of humour, and Oxford comma enthusiast.

Commie Status: I do ECOP Honours... sooo...

Commie Status: I’m in SLS... sooo...

(see also: James Fitzgerald Sice)

(see also: Victor Zhang)

George Costanza

cattitude

Schmuck. Been around the stupol block a few times; first as tragedy, then as farce. Honi was the final hurrah of this notorious U.N.C. Noted originator of the ‘In the Night Garden’ content. Marxism is more than a political ideology, it’s a special interest.

Fashionista. She done already done had herses. The library is officially open. Always happy to have a steamy phone call with the USyd Media Office. Shiny heels = strong personal brand. Lowkey speaks French #hot #chaud

Commie Status: Will debate the class character of the Soviet Union (and almost anything) with you

Commie Status: I don’t know stop askingggguh

(see also: Alastair Panzarino)

(see also: Kuyili Karthik)

bombo claated

covergirl

Sleeper fluent patois speaker. Western Sydney legend. Cutie patootie. Tres leches enjoyer. When she tried to stooge stupol hacks they didn’t recognise her but also didn’t campaign to her #WhatThatMean

Unproblematic queen, virtuosic artiste. She did amazing Burn cover art before she even officially joined the team. She is our Twilight Sparkle. She shines bright and mogs intensely with her Miley Cyrus blue eyes. Ex-Pulp but we forgive her.

Commie Status: I don’t have a commie status

Commie Status: Commicurious

(see also: Firdevs Sinik)

(see also: Sophie Wishart)

(noun)

(proper noun)

(adjective)

Tribune, November 2026

(noun)

(adjective)

(noun)

Now hiring

The University of Sydney is looking for a new Media Office ‘Skeleton’ Staffer in the Office of Censorship and Public Affairs! $100–$1,000,000 per annum before tax Applications close EOD Friday (1:00 PM AEDT), 14 Nov 2026 Requirements: • Must be skinny (it’s literally in the job title). • NewsCorp work experience strongly preferred. • Must be available to work late late nights Job description: • Working closely with the University’s spokesperson (it’s a sock puppet you have to operate with your bare hands) • Censoring Hoini Soit • Misspelling the words ‘Hoini Soit’ • Telephoning Hoini editors for a quick chat (can I pull you for a chat?? xx) • Taking photos of Dave, Mark, and Annie while they do anything except improving student and staff conditions at the university.

To apply, write MEDIA RELEASES and EMAIL REPLIES on the following topics: New research by USyd Expert identifies that abstention from campus protests and activism can decrease rates of disciplinary action. Quotes for attribution from anti-activist activist and scholar in the faculty of Weapons of Mass Destruction Studies, David Thodey: “Best advice I ever received was from my good friend Errol Musk. Not Elon. Elon’s dad. Errol. Anyway. He said ‘a woman is another woman’. He slept with his stepdaughter. Wait, I’m getting sidetracked. What I mean to say is that he has another saying… he always said, Keep it Simple Stupid (Thodey quips in a heavy South African accent). I live by that. Maybe the students will realise that if they shut the fuck up they won’t get suspended. Oh. I’m not allowed to cuss in these things? Sorry about that. Just feeling really tense today because my Israeli fintech stock tanked a few points. I’m gonna tell Ruth to shoot off some gag orders and empty threats to student activists. You know, take the edge off. Anyway, Globalise the Thodeyfada."

USyd Expert demolishes woke unionist staff in research study showing that not going on strike can actually make you richer. Mark Scott, tenured professor in the newly-established School of Running Institutions to Filth, is available for comment and interviews. Quotes for attribution from Marky: “I mean, if you showed up for work instead of supporting industrial action, you’d be like… 60 dollars richer per annum. Come on! That’s like, two meals at Courtyard Café. That’s like a lot more than the $20 pay increase they’re fighting for. AMIRITE??”

Reply to an Hoini Soit comment request, leaving all important information ambiguously framed. If there is an emergency, hit the BIG RED PANIC BUTTON and our protector Clare Masters will intervene. Our strategies include: • DENY DENY DENY. • Not addressing the elephant in the room • Fill the void with meaningless fluff • Eat hot chip and lie

Tribune, November 2026

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Everlasting (7) Lesser-known song; Independent investigative news outlet (4,3) Book of maps (5) Habsburg motto (5) Conducts elections (3) 2007 Buddy Cop Film with saying “the Greater Good” (3,4) Antiquity Ethiopian Kingdom (5) Maker of Photoshop and InDesign (5) Northern Ionian island (5) To a great extent, according to an orange man (5) Merged with Mobil (5) Lump; dollop (3) Like Constantinople from 1453 to 1922 (7) Take at an opportune time (5,2) You (4) Flew too close to the sun (6) Inclined to wandering (7) Rises at dawn; ___ Yat-Sen (3) Napoleon’s first wife (9) High degree? (3) Sydney Uni founded 1989 (3) Trailblazer advancements (2,5) Friend, in France (4) Covert email loop-in (3) __’an: Chinese city in Shaanxi, end location of the Long March (3) American composer known for military marches (5) Salty solution (6) Home row keyboard mash (1,1,1,1) Many a YouTube or TikTok star (7) Summary after the fact (5) IRL fantasy (4) Cash dispenser (3) Refreshing brew (3,3) “Lighthouse effect” stars (7) Mexican national soccer team nickname (2,3) Stylist’s shop (5) Online marketing metric (3) Pointer for a journo? (3) Malice or poison (5) October Revolutionary (5) Postelection elections (7) Position (6) God, in Italy; Main villain of JoJo (3) Final notice? (4) Words you sing (5) Opening, as in room or job (7) Scientology founder Hubbard (1,3) 1854 Ballarat uprising (6) Hollywood award (5) Carnal congress (3) Revolutionary colour (3) Metric prefix (4) Hawke’s Education Minister who reformed Australian universities (7) Get older (3) One way to vote in a referendum (3) The Red Sun in the Sky (3,6) Uni URL ending (3) Biology or physics, for example (7) What happened to the NDIS; What should happen to police (6) The Big KM, wrote “first time as tragedy, the second time as farce” (4)

BIG CROSSWORD BY SOME HACK 1

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Tactful diplomacy (7) Literally, “harbor wave” (7) __-mo (3) Line from the heart (5) Midday meal (5) Chocolate bean (5) Fruit served in balls; Albo got in trouble for this word (5) Additional (5) What a good socialist newspaper or pamphlet does (7) Beloved Star Trek sequel starring the late Patrick Stewart (3) “__ the people”; How a leader may want to act (5) China’s Zhou ___ (2,3) Like many beta releases (7) Machine-like (7)

Tribune, November 2026

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Moral code (5) Blackmail (9) South Pacific nation now known as the Republic of Naoero (5) Jazz bar in Marrickville; Skeletal sloth (4,5) Claim, as journalists do (6) Writing assignment (5) “I am the very model of a modern ___” (5,7) Sign on a broken machine (3,2,5) Dismal scientists; 106A was one (10) Protectionist Party PM; WA Uni has a uni named after him (6) Happen next (5) Spoken for; unavailable (5) Irish liberation organisation (3) Affirmative vote (3) Cola or tonic water (5) How the USA ‘liberates’ (7) Cannabis compound (3) Heavy rocket launch system; Left-wing youth group in the ALP (3) Delights in (6) 17-syllable poem (5) Kirk and Picard’s command (3,10)

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Numbered musical work (4) Party that Menzies tried to ban (3) Gilbert and Sullivan classic set on a ship, mentioned in 7D (3,8) 24 horas (3) Pub projectiles; smokes (5) Primogeniture beneficiary (9) The history of all hitherto existing society (5,8) Theorist who wrote the first computer algorithm (3,8) Worthless crypto art (4) Resistance unit (4) De facto Soviet head of state from 1917 to 1919 (8) Where krónur are spent (7) As opposed to elected, say (9) Really, really big (7) Become a part of, as a scheme (3,2,2) Systems that move people and things (8) Economist __ Keynes (7) Hajj destination (5) Revolutionary Luxemburg (4) Fixes squeaky hinge? (4) Nods, officially (7) Memorialise; honour (12) Can’t breathe without it (6) Essential (3)

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QUIZ

which

thought movement are you

START HERE

I attempt to be somewhat kind interpersonally

YES

Friendship is the #1 most important thing

YES

Politics should always be a family affair

YES

I have friends who don’t have rich parents NO

radical chic Surprise, bitch. We thought we’d seen the last of you. You’re not tired of your old games, and that’s okay! Not everyone knows when the party’s over. Go get that staffer job and continue slaying, rich white heterosexual former high school bully queen!

I like to spend a lot of time online, ideally with a VR headset

YES

Eating meat is bad

YES

Friends before politics

Using AI is fundamentally wrong

I will eat basically any protein. IDGAF YES

horse friendpol meat You live your life by the core tenets of FriendPol, which is beautiful to see. You often ask: why can’t we all just get along? Unfortunately, FriendPol was just a joke, and has now been pronounced dead. Your life is lived in accordance with a joke some Honi editor made once. Get real. Define yourself politically, not just socially.

Let them eat horse. Look, you may be flawed, controversial, even marred in scandal regarding food safety and government bribery. But you do something no other thought movement here can do. You provide cheap, foodsafe items at a low price. You’re the only one changing students’ material conditions.

YES

I will kill anyone who disagrees with me YES

YES

I prefer to criticise others than do anything myself YES

Ideological purity before material improvement YES

woke 1 Let’s take it back to 2016. Life would be so simple if that were truly possible. However, your refusal to live in the real world is having real consequences. Your ideology has atrophied and calcified into a mockery of its former self, laser focused on idpol and tone policing rather than doing anything at all.

Spreading Lies Since 1929

MERIT AWARDS

Awarded to Luke Ottavi

“FEELING BETRAYED” AWARD Awarded to Jazzy Donnzelly

Awarded to Archie Wolifson

FREE PRESS AWARD

Awarded to Ruth Townsend

HONI’S LEAST WANTED AWARD Awarded to Leo Moore

KIRK-ALIKE AWARD

Awarded to Eoin Hatfeilde

JK ROWLING AWARD

WINNERS BY DEFAULT AWARD

PETE DAVIDSON AWARD

OLD YELLER AWARD

Awarded to Felicity England

Awarded to Charm 4 Honi

TWINK DEATH AWARD

Awarded to Ben Dennis 4 Senate

IN MEMORIAM

ANAL FISSURE MEMORIAL FOR FLIPPING TO THIS PAGE FOR THEIR NAME

RADICAL CHIC MEMORIAL FOR HAVING NO POLITICAL IDEOLOGY

G.O.A.T MEMORIAL FOR BELOVED UNCS GOING INTO RETIREMENT

Flame Carried by James Green

Flame Carried by Ava Cav

Honouring Deggles & vincetafeamemes

Valid only for viewing on My eQuals. See https://www.myequals.edu.au/receiving-documents/ for more.

VICE-CHANCELLOR’S AWARDS

In the name of the Senate and by the authority of the same be it known that

Neeve NagleFrancesco and AmeliaPanzarino Ireland Alexander having fulfilled all the requirements and having passed all the examinations prescribed by the By-laws has been this day admitted to the degree of

The Vice-Chancellor’s Honourary USyd for Economy Exceptional MasterDegree of Political (Social Research) Investment in USyd Campus Life Awarded to a UTS Student and to all the privileges attached to the same by Royal Charter in token whereof the Senate has authorised the Corporate Seal of the University to be hereunto aﬃxed

Vice-Chancellor and President

Deputy Vice-Chancellor (Education) Dated this Twenty-eighth day of July, Two thousand and twenty-five Dated this Eleventh day of November, Two thousand and twenty-six This qualification is recognised within the Australian Qualifications Framework

Tribune, November 2026

CUT-OUT ACTIVITY

CONTRIBUTORS

CREATE YOUR OWN SECT COMMENDATIONS OF THE HONI SOIT POLITBURO

Aayuka Panditharatne, Aidan Elwig Pollock, Aiman Zuhaina, Akee Elliot, Alastair Panzarino, Aleksandar Sekulovski, Alex Ma, Alexandra Dent, Alice Nhu An Le, Ananya Ashwin, Ananya Thirumalai, Anastasia Dale, Angus Demordy, Anjali Dutton, Anjali Pratapgiri, Annis Chan, Aria Nadkarni, Arjun Avtani, Aron Khuc, Arwen Beaumont-Lee, Audhora Khalid, Audrey Hawkins, Ava Broinowski, Ava Woodard, Avin Dabiri, Aya Kammoun, Barnaby Smith, Baxter Mitchell-Knight, Belle Padjan, Ben Dominish, Benjamin Sestanovic, Bibi O Loghlin, Calista Burrowes, Calum Boland, Charles Boobar, Charles Reeves, Charlotte Hood, Chiara Prinsloo, Clara Anwaar, Clara Tan, Conroy Blood, Cyrus Fung, Daena Madon, Dalisha Cristina, Dana Kafina, Daria Karpenko, Dongchen Yue, Edd Le, Eko Bautista, Ela Pradhan, Elaquare Spencer, Eleanor Myatt, Eleni Papahatzis-Dagias, Ella Curran, Ella McGrath, Ella Ruddle, Elliot Priestman, Emily England, Emily Skipper, Emma Searle, Esther Whitehead, Eva Sutherland, Eve Carlin, Fatima Nadeem, Faye Tang, Feaim Alkozai, Firdevs Sinik, Freya Hill, Georgie Rosenberg, Gian Garnell-Ellis, Grace Street, Hamish Evans, Harper Boon, Hashwitaa Maynoor, Hester O’Donnell, Imane Lattab, Imogen Sabey, Indigo Grey, Iris Brown, Isaac Hogarth, Isaac Lanham, Isaiah Gabriel Vidler, Ivy Downes, Jaehyun Kim, James Fitzgerald Sice, Jaseena Al-Helo, Jesper Duffy, Jesse Carpenter, Jessica Louise Smith, Joely Scott, Joshua Drielsma, Julia Disaffinity, Kayla Hill, Kayla Nuner, Keira Garland, Kiah Nanavati, Kieran Latty, Krish Yadav, Kuyili Karthik, Lachlan Griffiths, Lara Kumar, Liam Searle, Liset Campos Manrique, Lucas Pierce, Lucy Yang, Luke Mešterović, MacKenzie Johnson, Madeleine Carter, Madison Burland, Maeve Jenkins, Malakai King, Maliyah Arnold, Marc Paniza, Matilda Cheshire, Max Bowen, Max McDermott, Maxine McGrath, Mehnaaz Binte Hossain, Meijie Ureta, Mia Rankin, Mickie Quick, Molly Martin, Molly Page, Niamh Anderson-Lister, Oliver Hale, Olivia Zhu, Oscar Masters, Peter Pickle, Pia Curran, Pimala Leo, Ramla Khalid, Ramneek Thind, Red Ricketson, Remy Lebreton, Robyn Mazloumian, Roman Plumb, Rosanna Chim, Roxy Lees, Ryan Dell, S Afroza, Sachin Stevens, Sahar Tejani, Sahiba Tasnia Tanushree, Samuel Illis, Sandy Ou, Sara Al Asfar, Sarah Su, Scarlett Kraft, Sebastien Tuzilovic, Shayla Zreika, Sholto Mirrlees-Black, Shovan Bhattarai, Siena Fagan, Simone Scohel, Simone Wong, Simran Parekh, Sofia Dillon, Some Hack, Sophie Grant, Sophie Lewis, Sophie Wishart, Stuti Acharya, Suhani Panchal, Tara Marocchi, Tara Seymour, Thomas Jiang, Tiana Moore, Tiffany Henson, Timothy Pudun, Ting Jen Kuo, Tom Alexander-Prideaux, Tyberius Seeto, Vanessa Alexandrakis, Victor Zhang, Vince Tafea, Vridhi Jain, Wendy Lew, Wendy Thompson, William Winter, William Yang, Yasir Elgamil, Ydie Lardillier, Zoe Chung, Zoe Gelagin, Zoe Huang

Spreading Lies Since 1929

GOOD LUCK

CHARM