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STUDENT NEWSPAPER SATIRE FALLS FLAT NEWSCORP TO ACQUIRE

LIFEST YLE

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King Charles III and Rupert Murdoch share a cheeky kiss Picture: Hugh Jass

, RED WHITE & ROYAL BOO

MOSMAN MAN “I want to T MOURNS destroy you just MURDERED like I destroy GIRLFRIEND democracies” EXCLUSIVE

Ben Dover and Dixie Normus

he latest power couple has hit the streets, with Rupert Murdoch and King Charles III spotted passionately touching lips, putting the long standing feud between the royals and the Murdoch press to bed.

The union will see power centralised to two old white men who look like ballsacks and can’t do laundry.

This affair comes as a shock given Murdoch’s type for women firmly outside his generation and his Majesty’s preference for tampon users (a fact leaked by the Murdoch press).

The fact that, as two men, Charles and Murdoch’s rendez-vous is “gay” has led to further shock. The British Empire,

which Charles oversees, is responsible join two of the worst institutions in of for the dissemination of queerphobia Western history — the British empire worldwide. Murdoch’s press has been and Murdoch media. consistently homophobic and transphobic.

“Together, we’ve found true happiness.

The Telegaph hacked into Charles’ phone It’s not often that you meet someone to see their texts. After seeing “I want to with the exact same prejudices as you.” put my sausage fingers in you,” the editorial While Charles sits atop a throne team decided not to venture any further. bejewelled by the brutal legacies A source close to Rupert said that they of colonialism, genocide, and overheard him whispering in Charles’ exploitation, Rupert has been a lot ear “You’ve got your physical territories. more hands on with his history altering I’ve got my media territories. Everything impact. Devastating democracies, could be ours. misrepresenting minority communities, “I want to destroy you just like I and creating a media system driven by destroy democracies, Charles.” money over truth is more his style.

A joint statement said “we have FULL STORY PAGE 25 decided to engage in a union that will

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02 NEWS

The Daily Telegaph | Wednesday November 15, 2023

Honi Soit acquired by NewsCorp

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2

Peter Dutton Puff Piece Peter Dutton loves spending time on the farm. He can’t stand imported species, so he works only with native flora. “It’s nice being out in nature, it makes me proud to be Australian.”

You see, despite his hard man image, Dutton is an everyman. He eats, sleeps, breathes, and “once in a while indulges in a glass of red,” he told me as we sat down for a meal cooked by his wife.

His wife said, “He’s not perfect, you know, he can pee on the seat from time to time, but I love him all the same.”

“The thing I love about Peter that he always says sorry.

Sometimes his work steals him from his family, taking him away for a long time and all the rest.

That’s hard on us, all generations of the family. But he knows this, and does everything he can to make it alright.”

“I know Peter walked out on Kevin Rudd’s apology in 2008, but he really does believe in saying sorry.”

Dutton has received a lot of hate in the past few years, with all sorts of terrible people coming

after him: terrorists, bikies, child sex offenders, activists and the Labor Party amongst them.

“They get all riled up at him, but I just can’t do that. When I see his little smile, that twinkle on his bald head (particularly when he greases it up and it becomes all sloppy) it just makes me so happy.”

Some people might be surprised to hear Peter’s wife likes him, but others do too.

Jerry is an old friend of Peter’s.

Jerry is not a real name, Dutton’s friends did not wish to speak on the record for fear of being associated with him publicly, but he says that Dutton helped him out in a time of need.

“I was in need of an au pair, but the visa process was just so damn slow. Peter really helped me out. I do feel for that poor kiwi dude who Peter kicked out to justify letting Simone in, apparently he hadn’t even lived across the ditch since he was four years old, but I’m so grateful.”

Pieter Botha says, “I was really grateful Pete spoke up for me in my time of need. I was a

refugee and he provided refuge, as long as I didn’t come by boat, I remember that. I had to flee South Africa because they were coming for my farm, calling me a coloniser, and only Peter spoke out for me.”

Dutton remembers Pieter with a chuckle. “Oh yes, they’re good immigrants, those South African farmers. They aren’t the ones in those Melbournian gangs. And they certainly aren’t Lebanese (I’m not allowed to say that was a mistake, so let’s stick with “illconsidered.”)

“They say I’m racist, but if that was true, I wouldn’t have let refugees like Pieter into Australia.”

As we finished our meal cooked by his wife, Peter feigned doing the dishes. “He’s in touch with the women,” his media advisor said.

Peter Dutton is the federal Opposition leader. His government counterpart, Anthony Albanese doesn’t have a wife who cooks for him, doesn’t spend time on the farm, and does not even pretend to do the dishes. He is a feral activist.

Acknowledgement of Country

The Daily Telegaph was written and published on the land of the Gadigal people of the Eora nation. Sovereignty was never ceded. The land on which we produce this paper, like all of so-called Australia, always was and always will be Aboriginal land.

Honi Soit is a product of the colonial institution that is the University of Sydney. The way we produce and share knowledge is inherently colonial.

As an editorial team of both Indigenous and non– Indigenous heritage, we are both victims and beneficiaries of colonisation. We are committed to unlearning our colonial premonitions and working to hold current institutions accountable.

That includes the Daily Telegraph, which has done incalculable harm to First Nations people.

From perpetuating the myths that

First Nations are inherently criminal or violent, to calling for paternalistic and discriminatory treatment of First Nations people, this is a deeply racist institution. The Telegraph’s recent vitriolic coverage of the Voice to Parliament referendum is the latest example in its profoundly racist history.

The Telegraph’s insistence on a racially exclusionary vision of “Australia” — one

The University of Sydney’s student newspaper Honi Soit has been bought out

by News Corp, following its disastrous attempt at satirising the respected tabloid the Daily Telegraph.

Student editors at the publication produced a 24-page version of the Daily Telegraph, titled the Daily Telegaph which covered a range of topics traditionally included in News Corp’s main Sydney masthead, except worse.

Outgoing, very well respected and liked, News Corp Chairman Rupert Murdoch — who was photoshopped onto the front page kissing King Charles III — said that the failed edition emphasised everything which was wrong about independent “left-wing journalism.”

He said, “The Daily Telegraph is a paper that thrives off fear. A fear that is wide-ranging. That picks on the most vulnerable: First Nations people, immigrants, welfare recipients, the poor, LGBTQIA+ people, and anyone else who at any given moment contravenes the very rigid standards of belonging demanded by larrikin Australia.

“A fear that is pervasive. From cherrypicked news stories about the criminal or perverted ways of an unfancied group, to stories sourced from the hateful commentary of fringe-dwelling commentators. It is a fear that tells middle-Australia that it is ok to resist change, no matter its form. Because First Nations people are coming for your house that took years of saving to acquire. Because immigrants are adding to cost-of-living pressures which our neoliberal economic system is illequipped to respond to. Because China may invade, just as the Asian continent has always threatened to do.

“But of course we cannot only rely on fear. We pack our paper with sport, lifestyle, puzzles, racing and sex. People pick up this newspaper not only because they share our politics, but also because we provide effective distraction.

“Why does the Tele do all of this? It is the most profitable way to run a media organisation. Keep people clicking. Help them pick a side, and barrack for it. It is also a brilliant political tool. One that spreads the corrosive conservative world-view, at low cost and to a large audience. That does so while deflecting attention away from the real causes of our anxieties — the structurally inequality of the capitalist system and the intense fragility which is borne of refusing to reckon with Australia’s foundation upon genocide and disposession.

“Honi Soit has gotten it all wrong. Their paper is a poor immitation of how we spread fear.

“To enhance the quality of Honi Soit, and to ensure such a ham-fisted recreation of the Telegraph is never again put to print, we are acquiring Honi Soit.”

The final sale price of Honi was one month’s rent for each editor and a commemorative pen. Or approximately $100,000.

which excludes immigrants and First Nations people — must be condemned in the strongest possible terms. This is a newspaper that silences First Nations perspectives, disavows Australia’s genocidal foundations and actively undermines any moves towards true selfdetermination for First Nations people.

Settlers on stolen Aboriginal land have an obligation

to recognise that they are beneficiaries of dispossession and work to remedy the severe and ongoing effects of colonisation. Silence is violence.

NEWS 03

Wednesday November 15, 2023 | The Daily Telegaph

Mosman man mourns murdered girlfriend

Minns A sentenced to two years for protesting protest Premier Chris Minns behind bars.

Polly Proper

New South Wales’ Labor Premier Chris Minns has been sentenced to two years in prison by a Sydney court, under protest laws which he helped pass.

Under NSW law, it is illegal to obstruct most public places. Unfortunately for Minns, his government also legislated to make it illegal to obstruct an obstruction of a public place, the provision under which Minns was convicted.

The conviction concerned Minns’ call for climate change protesters to be arrested by police. Further charges relating to Minns’ subsequent calls for pro-Palestenian protests to be banned were dropped by prosecutors, on the urging of police.

The sentencing judge, Judy, said that Minns “disrupted important political activity” and was a “democratic vandal,” for obstructing people’s right to peacefully protest. “People should be free to be able to go about their everyday lives, attending protests, without politicians disrupting them,” Judy said.

Minns was arrested in a 4am raid by a dozen heavily armed public order police. He was taken to Kogarah police station in his trademark plain-white undies. The Telegaph understands the arresting officers did not recognise Minns, despite being premier for the last six months.

Minns arrest comes after activist Violet Coco was sentenced to two years in prison

Myrrh Derr

night out ended horribly for Oliver Pompous, a 25-year-old private school boy, after his girlfriend died.

Pompous is known to be a swim prodigy, having helped his school place first in the interschool championship.

He is the fastest swimmer to ever have swum. He is also smart, funny and really nice, according to multiple sources.

Richard Stevenson, the principal of the school Pompous attended, stated that Pompous is “one of the best students who has ever graduated from our school that costs $50,000 a year to attend.”

“My heart really goes out to Ollie, he is just a kid, and this is a profound loss for him. Who will cook his dinner now?”

Police have described the scene as “horrific”, with Pompous’ girlfriend sustaining “injuries consistent with a homicide”. Pompous is believed to be the only other person present during the time of the murder.

His girlfriend was unfortunately at the exact point of trajectory, when the knife pierced through her lungs, fifteen times.

It is a true horror of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. She had been running away after a domestic dispute occurred between the couple.

The police had been called after a neighbour overheard screams coming from the apartment, but they left after being satisfied that Pompous was not a threat to his girlfriend. He had been, by all accounts, genial and good natured.

Peter Smith, the head of the Old Boys Union, described Pompous as “a lovely boy” who had been in

numerous leadership positions and frequently gave back to the community.

“Oliver is a stand-up member of our community. He is a model to our fellow brothers about keeping your composure in the face of profound loss.”

“Make no mistake, this is not an ongoing pattern of systematic patriarchal elitism that flourishes at all boys private schools. This is a unique case of a stand up citizen, snapping and accidentally murdering his girlfriend in a gruesome act of domestic violence.”

His girlfriend had already sought an AVO against Pompous after he had threatened to hurt himself when she had tried to break up with him earlier in the week.

A receipt for the knife was seen on Pompous’ bedside table when police searched the Mosman penthouse.

Searches for how to hide a body were in his internet history. The next search was for how to clear your search history.

Pompous has been spotted crying as he was arrested by police, outside his five bedroom, four bathroom Mosman home. Pompous was allowed a final walk along the Mosman foreshore.

He was happy to sit for posed pictures for a Telegaph photographer.

He appears to be very impacted by the loss.

Tributes from his school and the swimming community have begun flowing in, mourning a life cut short by a murder charge and subsequent jail sentence.

Pompous was a good boy

Pompous swims a lot

Receipts for knives littered Pompous’ bedside table

for peacefully protesting in 2022.

Blowjob blues: Man’s penis bitten off by horse it was bitten off.

Farton appeared at the Tragedy has struck the local hospital holding regional NSW town of the quivering member in Turkey Beach after local his hand. His clothes had farmer Stevo “big fella” become covered in blood.

Farton has had the tip of Farton was quick to his penis bitten off by his point out that the horse horse. was, in fact, a girl.

It is understood that “It was a girl horse, Farton’s penis was inside I swear,” he told the the horse’s mouth when Telegaph. “I’m not gay.”

Reg Onal

“It gets a bit lonely out here sometimes. Me missus left me after I got with Bella, and I’ve been on my own ever since.”

Bella is Farton’s prized Arabian horse, also a female animal.

Farton voted against the 2017 same-sex marriage plebescite, describing gay sex as

“unnatural”.

This story would have been published in the Turkey Beach regional paper, however we bought their paper last year. Now we cover their news in our paper. Sorry local journalists! You can win your jobs back eventually.

Stevo “big fella” Farton 3

The woman.

4

NEWS 05

Wednesday November 15, 2023 | The Daily Telegaph

The dangerous new drug ‘Ventolin’ flooding Aussie schools

Sea levels rising, immigration to blame?

EXCLUSIVE Richard Nixon

Kids at Australian schools are rocking up to class buzzed up on a harmful new drug, leaving teachers and their peers “bamboozled” at how “fucked up” they are.

Ventolin is being prescribed in record numbers by Aussie doctors, and criminal gangs are ready to pick up the shortfall, an exclusive Telegaph investigation has revealed.

Ventolin is traditionally used to treat asthma, but is being increasingly used by children to get “totally blazed off their face.”

The powerful drug only costs $20 at major retailer “Chemist Warehouse”, allowing cashed up kids to buy it and puff their way to oblivion.

“Some kids go through a puffer a day.

They’re absolute freaks. They just can’t stop. And then they get all dizzy and just go feral. It’s so sad to see.”

As a steroid, Ventolin helps to reduce inflammation in the lungs, allowing kids to breathe easier. Users repeat feeling like “they’ve reached nirvana, an organic level of pleasure” when they take Ventolin, with unsafe amounts of air rushing into their lungs. It is increasingly being used by kids, as an alternative to “not being able to breathe very comfortably”, seeing usage levels spike.

Drug expert Not A. Cop said that “Ventolin is a gateway drug. Once kids get used to it, and start getting addicted to the feeling of breathing they start moving onto harder drugs like Symbicort. Then they get onto heroin.

Then they become ethnic and join a gang.”

“Kids are waking up in the middle of the night, and they’re finding they can’t breathe. That’s the sad part. Because they’ve been taking Ventolin over the course of their whole life, these kids are having trouble breathing. Then they take Ventolin and can’t breathe.

It’s a vicious cycle.” Other experts say Ventolin provides short-term relief from asthma symptoms, but they aren’t at the forefront of this drug epidemic.

One Ventolin user, who wished to be anonymous because of intense shame said, “my mummy says I should use it.

All the other kids think I’m very cool.

I can’t stop, otherwise I can’t breathe. I don’t like that.” Heartbreaking.

Experts are calling on the government to crack down on the drug. Police are already deploying sniffer dogs on students on the sideline at Athletics day.

They have began a mass strip-search campaign, searching 1000 children in the first week. Such was the success that 10 of those searched were found to have 2 puffers, a commercial quantity with a street value of at least $40, on the kiddy crims.

The kids arrested as part of the blitz are being held in solitary confinement in adult prisons, due to overcrowding Editor’s note: All quotes used in this story are made up by the author to justify targeting First Nations communities.

Australia going under water. Not climate change related. Wake up sheeple.

EXCLUSIVE Cauk-Ashen Coulineizer

A

s summers get hotter, and sea levels continue to rise, Australia may sink into the ocean if any more immigrants come, experts warn. Some scientists have claimed sea levels rise due to “global warming” and “carbon emissions”.

However, a single expert fired from his last job has come forward to claim that

the weight of immigrants is sinking Australia into the ocean.

The expert — Glenn — is a local at Terrigal RSL and fancies himself “a bit of a science guy.” “Listen, I’m not a racist. I’m actually a quarter Italian, so I’m allowed to say this.”

“Nobody ever speaks about the physical weight of people weighing down the land. Our country is floating, like a rubber ducky, and the more pressure on it, the more it sinks down.”

“Mel’s lost her coastal home because the coast is 10 metres further in than it was 3 years ago, and I can’t help but think it has something to do with that new kebab shop that opened on Main Street. That’s gotta weigh a lot.”

“

Listen, I’m not a racist. I’m actually a quarter Italian, so I’m allowed to say this.

“The media these days is talking about climate change. I don’t know about that. I think they’ve got to go back to basics. Buoyancy and volume, those things.

Simple stuff. I can’t see the greenhouse effect, but I can see a hell of a lot more people.”

“Look, I would be all in favour of immigrants coming in, but Australia just isn’t ready for it. We need time to prepare. We’re too heavy.”

This column is intentionally left blank, due to political correctness.

Australia’s biggest welfare cheats revealed

Asian woman speaks English surprisingly well: ‘I was born here’

Welfare cheats are costing this country tens of billions a year. An exclusive Telegaph investigation has revealed the biggest bludgers and the cheapest cheats sucking on the taxpayer teat.

1. The Fossil Fuel industry The fossil fuel industry received $10.3 billion in welfare (subsidies) this year. Talk about ripping off the taxpayer!

2. Landlords Mum and dad landlords (landlords) received $8.3 billion in welfare (negative gearing offsets) this year. That is set to rise to $20 billion in the next decade. The system is being rorted.

An Asian woman, of unknown ethnicity but definitely somewhere in Asia, has been revealed to speak English surprisingly well. The continent of Asia is quite large, 44.58 million km² to be exact, and yet, so few people from this place seem to speak English at this woman’s level.

Her reading, writing, and speaking levels were at an outstanding level, similar to one of a man from Surry Hills. Her tone lacked any accent, and donned one that is heard commonly in proper Australian households.

Upon interrogation, she reveals she was in fact “born here” and her family have “lived here for three generations,

Moo Neigh

3. Shareholders The government spends over $5 billion a year on “franking credits”.

This is expected to eventually rise to $35 billion a year. What ever happened to work for the dole? Get a job!

4. Wealthy retirees Tax breaks for super allow the wealthiest people to avoid paying up to $51 billion in tax a year. Talk about the pensioners from hell!

5. Belinda Belinda is 61 and cannot work due to a long-term health condition. She did not declare her new relationship to Rex, who also receives unemployment benefits, resulting in a windfall gain of $500 dollars.

Ash N. Feitisheizer

you racist cunt”.

More to come.

The woman.

5

06 WORLD

The Daily Telegaph | Wednesday November 15, 2023

EDITORIAL

Daily Telegaph The

Bombing babies only way to stop terrorism A

nother day.

Another Labor fail. When the inimitable IDF took out 10 Hamas commander- babies yesterday, the world got a little safer, not that hopeless Albo and pitiful Penny Wong did anything to help.

The truth is, Israel had no choice. After years of Palestinian babies being born into terrorist leadership roles, someone had to say enough is enough.

Thank god Israel had the strength to do it themselves.

Bombing babies targets terrorism at its source.

Masters in disguise, newborn babies are the most effective terrorist leaders. Too bad, Hamas’ babies have gone crying to the woke UN. Apparently, those elites say that bombing babies is ‘inhumane’ and ‘illegal under international humanitarian law’. Do you really think that’s

fair dinkum?

What’s more, when you take out commanderbabies, you stop them from growing up and birthing more bad-guy bubs. No wonder they’re shitting themselves.

They’ve got nobody to blame but themselves.

How’s that for fairness?

Should’ve thought about that before being born a terrorist.

Fortunately, Hamas is crawling on its hands and knees in the face of Israeli strength. Crying their crocodile tears, claiming they’re hungry.

Tough stuff.

So we say, take ‘em out. Feed them solids.

Formula only. Loud noises at bedtime. Come on Labor, step up and help out.

At least 4,000 children have been killed since October 7 in the Gaza strip. 4,000 less terrorists in the future, we say.

I

Jen O’Cide

srael’s defence force has claimed the deaths of ten of Hamas’ top brass after an explosion at a neonatal ward.

“When we strike, we strike hard,” said the IDF in a statement.

“We will stop at nothing to remove all Palestinians from Gaza. Hamas commanders

are known to use hospitals, including neonatal cribs, as hideouts. This cannot be tolerated. It is this reason that we developed our special anti-babies-hidingin-hospitals missiles, capable of killing commander-babies from hundreds kilometres away.”

The source of the hospital blast is still unclear. Israel

has denied responsibility for the blast, blaming Hamas militants. Sources familiar with the matter told the Telegaph that Hamas could be responsible for the attack, because “they like killing babies”.

Australia foreign minister Penny Wong said in a statement “Israel has a right to defend itself.

“Australia stands by Israel.

We will be sending Israel the solid foods it needs to carry out further attacks.”

Opposition leader Peter Dutton told the Telegaph that “Labor’s response has shown that it is weak on terrorism.

What has Labor done to condemn Hamas for its role in this attack?”

The UN estimates that the

With enough cocaine, I could solve Israel-Palestine Andrew Bolt Sniff. Snuffle. Sniff. Snuffle.

What’s the difference between me and Cocaine Bear? Maybe about 150 kg in weight. Give me a few bags of coke, drop me in Gaza, and I’ll be out there on a different playing field.

The UN has gone in, and failed. The WHO has gone in, and failed. But they haven’t sent me in yet.

This conflict has gone too far, it’s time to interfere and end it for once. People in Palestine h a v e probably never s e e n snow.

6

Lucky for them, I’m about to bring a snowstorm.

Politics and warfare is no match to this tropane alkaloid.

My brain will work at a higher pace than all the stupid fucks like Netanyahu and Albanese who haven’t been able to solve this conflict faster than Biden.

Sure, I bet they’ve tasted some coke, but not experienced a sweet load in the meeting room.

What exactly would I do? I wouldn’t want to speculate.

All I know is that’d work.

I fancy myself.

The truth is, what we have been doing until now hasn’t been working. And that’s because I haven’t been involved enough.

What’s more? Once I’m done with Israel Palestine, I’d be able to move onto bigger and better things. The Australian, perhaps? No. Bigger. Think Communist China (image, right). Wokeness in schools.

Abortion. Transgender people.

The decadence of the west. Hey, maybe even child poverty while I’m at it.

My nose is ready. The world isn’t.

Sleep with one eye open: The People’s Republic of China still exists.

NEWS 07

Wednesday November 15, 2023 | The Daily Telegaph

Solomon Islands renamed Solomon Island after freak wave Bibi Lical

An enormous wave has taken out most of the Pacific Island nation formerly known as the Solomon Islands.

The destruction occurred after the wave washed over most of the Solomon Islands, submerging them underwater.

One island remains. It will solemnly be renamed Solomon Island.

One observer told the Telegaph that “it was certainly a big wave.

Probably the biggest that I’ve ever seen.”

“Everything in its path just became so wet. It was terrible.”

Former US President Donald Trump described the wave as “huge”.

Solomon Island leaders blamed the wave on

“catastrophic, and rapidly worsening, anthropogenic climate change,” asking wealthy governments to take drastic measures to stop the “climate crisis”.

Climate scientists concurred.

The Telegaph’s expert opinion writer, David, said “there’s nothing to worry about.”

The Australian Foreign Minister Penny Wong was seen hiding from reporters under her desk, thinking they were coming after her with Palestine questions again. “It’s a wedge. It’s a wedge. Retain government.

Retain government,” she was heard muttering to herself.

After she was coaxed out from under her desk with a carrot, Wong said “we are saddened to hear that this

Solomon Island

biblical fate has befallen upon Pacific neighbours.”

Wong then proceeded to rule out doing the very thing the Solomon Island’s government requested she do.

Wong then promptly backflipped upon hearing China and the Solomon Island were about to conclude a security pact.

The wave occured on the same day the small Mediterranean island nation of Malta melted in an intense heatwave.

Chile has been renamed Warm, as part of the growing trend.

Scientists make ‘implausible’ claims that planet is warming

hospital blast killed 500 civilians, including patients and hospital staff.

Israel has been bombarding the Gaza strip for the past month.

LATEST NEWS ISRAEL’S ETHNIC CLEANSING

dailytelegaph.com.au

One hundred scientists presented a report this week claiming that world was reaching a “climate cliff”.

The woke mob said that the ongoing emission of greenhouse gasses risked severe environmental consequences, declaring war on the Australian dream.

The economy was prompt to speak out against the report, saying

it was an existential threat.

David, who writes opinion articles, described the report as “implausible”.

The Liberal Party said it shared David’s view.

Labor said that while it respected the findings of the report, doing anything about it was “too hard”.

Malcolm Turnbull, upon realising that he wasn’t Prime Minister anymore and didn’t have to sell climate action to

the voting public, called on the government to go further with its climate action.

Richard, a regular reader of the Telegaph, blamed China for the report’s findings.

David

India takes back wrong crown jewels, Charles left bleeding Hundreds of years after the British stole the Kohi-Noor diamond from Punjab, India’s secret service was sent on a mission to steal back the crown jewels.

However, after a colossal mixup, India’s iciest commandos went after the wrong target, slicing off Charles’ cock and balls inside his Buckingham Palace bedroom.

Meanwhile, the actual crown jewels sat inside the Tower of London behind bombproof glass, protected by the goofiest guards in the empire.

Talk about taking blood diamonds to a new level.

Charles’ balls were in a not have spare sets of sorry state. The emperor penises and testicles. may have no clothes, but the King has got no nuts.

Charles’ new lover Rupert Murdoch was reportedly distraught, unable to fondle and pleasure his new beau.

He has reportedly turned his attention to a more antipodean testicle, in the form of Australian Opposition Leader Peter Dutton.

The bungled mission comes in the wake of Prince Harry having written that he has Charles’ new fling, Rupert intense penis envy in Murdoch. his new memoir Spare.

Unfortunately for Charles, the Palace does 7

08 HIGHER ED

‘Pwease stop stwiking!’

Nathan Teu

With the National Tertiary Education Union at Sydney University leading strikes for what feels like an eternity, Vice Chancellor Mark Scott sent an all-staff email urging them to accept the new enterprise bargaining agreement.

Unlike most emails during the bargaining period, with dazzling displays of mental gymnastics dressed in corporate-speak, Scott decided to put on a new tactic by taking it all off.

“My good friend Nick Lemur from the NTEU has accused me of tightening the belt too hard, so I decided to loosen up and show staff that I’m at their service.”

In the email, Scott sent a video message recorded in a dimly lit board room, where it is rumoured that management have orgies and Nerf Wars, wearing nothing more than a shockingly sexy maid get-up.

“I wanted to show staff just how much I’m packing…into this deal. It’s a sector leading rise that,” he said, gesturing at his penis.

When asked if the new deal would provide better support for staff during the

cost of living crisis, Scott said, “Certainly, I can assure everybody that it rises faster than inflation,” before winking at the camera.

In the video, Scott displayed a great level of humility delivering a personally written speech with no input from the media office. The Telegaph has since been told though that he consulted a “chronically-online tsundere weeb” as part of his process.

“Oh, my wovewy wectuwers and diwigent staff members~ Markeu has been a bad, bad boy and wants to say sowwy for being naughty desu!

“Annamawie, Bewinda, and I awe so sowwy. I know we’ve bewn diffikuwt, but I wanna be good, good boy now~ I twied me best :3 but I know me can duwu bettew Infwashun is scawy ;-; but UwuSyd is stwong!”

“I know I can be scawy to *rawr* but wike you,” he said, visibly shy while doing a finger heart.

“We can aww be fwenz, and be happy and smiwey togeva if you just stop stwiking.

Pwease stop stwiking. It make Markeu vewy sadeu and angwy. I no like beewing

The Daily Telegaph | Wednesday November 15, 2023

Mark Scott leaning against his desk Picture: Belly Huchy

angwy Markeu. But you keep making Markeu cwy…Markeu give you below-inflation pay rise, no population targets for Indigenous staff, no set permanency pathways for casuals, and so much wuv!!!

So much wuv!!!”

“We will wiww be nicer, if you wiww be nicer~,” said Scott responding to staff who have stuck to their demands in bargaining meetings which none of Annamawie, Bewinda, and Markeu have attended.

Scott told The Telegaph, “I know the business strategy from the playbook is always to be dominant and bring whips and handcuffs to the bargaining table, but it’s often good to let the other party take control, be a little submissive and coy, let them give a little back, after you’ve given so much.”

An NTEU staff member commented on the email, “What the actual flying fuck.”

The Telegaph has been informed that the Harvey Spector lawyer will attend the next negotiation meeting cosplaying in a Maid Cafe uniform as a measure of good faith.

SAlt disbands after they discover SUDS The USyd branch of Socialist Alternative (SAlt) is no more, following a mass resignation of members after they discovered the Sydney University Dramatic Society, better known as SUDS. Known for their theatrics at SRC meetings, it was a surprise to many that SAlt hadn’t discovered that there was a society for people just like them. The Telegaph met with former SAlt members as they performed improv comedy on the lawn outside the Cellar Theatre.

“Space jump!” yelled incoming 2024 Slot 4 director (and SRC Vice-President) 8

Deaglan Godwin, leaping into the scene. “My name is Mark Scott! Grrrrrr!” he exclaimed in a gruff voice, pressing his chin into his neck to give the appearance of jowls.

“Yes, and!” his comrade Hersha Kadkol piped in. “I’m big, bad Belinda Hutchinson!

Roar!” she went, delivering a mighty roar. They then acted out a scene of Mark and Belinda eating Manning Cantina tacos, but the meat was made out of student protesters.

This continued until Owen Marsden-Readford yelled space jump and a new scene was supposed to start, but

Owen actually decided to jump and fell down the stairs, hurting his head.

“It’s pretty fucking shameful that Grassroots didn’t come to Hersha’s one woman show, ‘The Importance of Being Obnoxious’ or Akee’s ‘A Streetcar Named Julius Wittfoth,” Deaglan groaned.

“I did Streetcar’s set design,” Shovan chipped in.

“The Parramatta Eels shrine?

Yeah, you’re damn right I made that.”

Tickets for the 2024 SUDS Major “Much Ado About Opposing Sex Work and Being Kind of a Cult” are on sale now.

HIGHER ED 09

Wednesday November 15, 2023 | The Daily Telegaph

USyd to merge all degrees into exciting new Bachelor of University Studies Meen Dia

They say less is more and that is certainly true at universities. The education institutions have been under extended pressure as they continue to record record profits amidst financial crises.

In a new move to streamline their offerings, the University of Sydney is offering a new degree. The Bachelor of University Studies is a market leader, offering more generality and interdisciplinarity than any other degree on offer.

‘Expertise is a thing of the past, interdisciplinarity is the way of the future’ says Vice-Chancellor Mark Scott. Scott has been overseeing staff cuts each year to move towards this lofty goal.

If student want to pick a specialty, they will be left behind. Technology is the way of the future. As automation increases, executives choose to replace workers with generative AI. It’s survival of the cheapest.

Provost and Deputy Vice-Chancellor, Annamarie Jagose said, “We are so excited to bring new synergistic cross-polonisation between students and our severely underpaid staff.”

“We are moving past isolated silos as an institution, and moving forward via a tiered, sequential process of integration, differentiation, mutation, and autoeroticasphyxiation.”

The move is set to make the University a world leading institution, with the staff forced to work even more. Students are expected to be paid pennies for their classroom contributions to incentivise participation.

“We no longer need faculties or seperate buildings. Everything can happen together in the same building,” Jagose said.

In order to accomodate the change in class offerings, all building except F23 will be bulldozed and the land sold off. F23 will become a skyscraper with additional classrooms available on each level. In a stunning mark of ingenuity, each classroom will double as a boardroom.

All other degrees, majors and programs will be discontinued to support the new initiative.

Students have not been consulted on the change.

‘Oopsie daisy’ USyd apologises Hilaria Ed

The University of Sydney has been caught on the wrong foot once again. An exclusive investigation has revealed that they’ve been funding a new questionable research program.

This new reveal comes after the University announced earlier this year that they were funding a gambling research centre. The Centre of Excellence in Gambling Research has been criticised by concerned academics for risking normalising a connection between the gambling industry and researchers.

Even earlier this year, it was

revealed that the University paid Innowell, a company that it is a major shareholder of, to provide mental health services to its students. The program collects a significant amount of student data, as it did data of veterans who had also been offerred the app for free.

Despite the University claiming that the data will not be accessible by the University, a statement made to The Guardian confirmed that the University is a study partner.

The University came under critique this year for using an assessment platfrom that relies

on invasive data collection to monitor for academic misconduct.

Even even earlier this year, the University extended their partnership with weapons manufacturer Thales Australia.

The partnership is to provide academic freedom whilst teaching students how engineering solutions are applied in the industry. This has been understandably criticised by many.

Obviously none of these partnerships really happened, what university would make these decisions... This is simply

an illustration to suggest what could happen if the investments and partnerships of an institution were potentially problematic.

What a year that would be!

The Telegaph reached out to the University to ask them about our theoretical, totally hypothetical and made up scenario, and how they would respond if all of that did happen to occur during one year. After giving them a COB deadline, we finally heard back.

“Sorry, we promise we’ll do better next time,” said a University spokesperson.

Only time will tell if this really is the case.

Woke snowflakes to shut down college Col Edge

Students from the “radical mob” at the University of Sydney are calling for all the residential colleges to be burned. After saying they want to burn down the system, they have now moved onto actual buildings.

“This cancel culture is spreading like a wildfire”, said David, one of the Telegaph’s climate experts. “These lefty loonies talk about burning the colleges, remember the bushfires in 2019 and we had all them arsonist crooks down South! It’s no surprise, that!”

“Snowflakes talk about burning down this, burning down that, they wouldn’t last

a second! They’d melt before they lit a bloody match!” said Dave, chuckling to himself.

The colleges are part of Sydney University’s long and proud history of elitism, private school graduates, and being wealthy and white. There has been a measured response from college students to the risk of the burnings, with the rugby team from St Andrew’s College now tackling anybody who comes within a 50m radius of the college, and isn’t blonde with blue eyes.

“We’re trying to be really vigilant and take safety into our own hands, that’s why we’re being so strict. But if they have a mullet and a long-sleeve polo shirt, we try to be more judicious,” said the team

captain, Jake.

The Telegaph spoke to a St Paul’s College resident, Jack, who shed light on the enriching educational experiences he shared at Paul’s and the supportive community, and unflinching sense of camaraderie he was a part of.

“Yeah well, it has been an absolute blast. Some of the best years of my life so far,” he said, clearly welling up.

“I remember when one of my mates was having a really rough time. A real tough time.

And we were all there for him.

He’d just beat up his girlfriend and it was such a hard breakup for him. We got him a

buttload of vodka to drink his pain away and it really helped…he was so much more fun when he wasn’t being a pussy. And he knew it!”

Students are fearful that the “radical left” on campus will cause further disturbances to college students and block free speech on campus. The Telegaph has been told that there are plans to hand out flyers, host protests, and hold open forums.

COPS1001 OLE Unveiled: Learn what it’s like to be a boy in blue Notta Cop The latest subject from the much-maligned Open Learning Environment (OLE) table has been announced. ‘COPS1001: Experience Police Brutality’ is focused on teaching students what it’s like to be one of the boys in blue.

The on-site study unit introduces students to the language of police unaccountability (i.e. “leave with pay”) and law enforcement culture through an intensive

program at a partner institute (Newtown Police Station).

Students will have practical lessons in handling firearms and conducted energy devices (particularly how to most effectively tase the elderly) and receive an introduction to contemporary police culture.

Learning about the challenges, tensions and complexities of modern police-community relations, students will participate in cultural activities and have the

opportunity to interact with local law enforcement and other groups, representing the diversity that is modern state-sanctioned violence.

The unit will also develop skills in cross-cultural communication (essential conversational phrases like “Stop resisting!”, “Get on the ground!”, and “He’s armed!”) through direct contact with marginalised communities.

Students may submit expressions of interest, along with their CV and academic transcript, before the census date.

9

10 NEWS

The Daily Telegaph | Wednesday November 15, 2023

JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE CELLS:

Excitement levels peaking on Christmas Island Petey D

With only forty days until Christmas, detainees on Christmas Island are almost bursting out of their cells.

The festive spirit has arrived (though not by boat), but by shaking their prison bars and biting prison guards.

Guards have planned several festive activities for the detainees, to introduce them to the joyous Christian spirit of this land.

A jailor spoke exclusively to the Telegaph to say that, “Nizam bit me in excitement when given a piece of ham and some fairy bread for Christmas! He never got anything like this back in Pakistan.”

Some of the activities include making knitted Ham-Mas packets

for Kmart, packing bundles of Xmas themed tshirts for Sportsgirl and a fun field trip to the nearest town to level out the roads as tourists visit to celebrate this multicultural country.

They’ve created their own version of iconic Christmas carols.

As bed time hits, murmurs of “Dashing on your boats, / Chased by the Australian navy, / O’er the waves we go, / Being persecuted all the way” can be heard echoing through the island.

It’s truly become tinseltown as decorations have been spread across the cells.

“They will be getting a piece of bread each, every night until Christmas to get into the spirit, Allahuakabar! Oh sorry, Hallelujah!” said the senior jailor.

Richard Measures

Homeowners’ hell as cost of living crunches Mary Ton

Home owners are feeling blow after blow as Lowe’s RBA raises interest rates, pushing many to the brink.

Sarah is a mum and dad landlord (she is neither a mum or dad, but thinks the label “suits her”) and says “it’s tough being a homeowner in these times.

When you own someone’s home, things are so uncertain. Will they pay rent? Will they be forced to move out because they lost their job. I spend hours at night worrying about these things.”

Sarah relies on income from her homes to feed her children. She has not had a job in five years, and thinks the government should be doing more for jobless people like her.

“There’s JobSeeker, but I’m not

eligible for that. So I’m left with nothing,” she said.

Sarah’s dad Mark, who owns the technology company “Facebook”, told the Telegaph that it was true that Sarah was “left with nothing.”

“She had to ask for her firsthome. We certainly didn’t just give it to her.”

Things are even for first-home owners. Nick beat out five other, young, bidders to his new innerwest apartment. “When you buy someone’s first home, you know, if they’ve just had a kid and are looking for a new place to live, then the stakes of interest rate rises just get even higher. If I’m getting slugged by Lowe and his cronies (Bullock, bullshit) I’ve just gotta pass it on. And they’re young you know, you don’t know if they’re gonna be able to

take it, if the kids gonna become malnourished or some shit and all of a sudden you’ve got a lawsuit to deal with. It’s hard.”

Nick called on the government to crack down on immigrants and NIMBYs for causing the housing crisis.

“You know, there’s not enough homes and there’s too many people looking for them. You can’t have all these people taking up all the places where people could live. You’ve got to look after Aussies first, everyone should have the chance to buy an investment property to look after their family before other people should get a look in,” But he cautioned the government on building more public housing for Australians without safe and affordable housing, describing the proposals

‘Space junk’ Billionaire designs spaceship to draw a dick in the sky, another to compete

as being from “socialist fantasy land”.

“The only hand out people should be getting is negative gearing tax concessions,” he said.

He said that, instead, the government should pay landlords for letting out their houses.

“Don’t get me started on NIMBYs. Lot 34 on Delkins Road is perfectly suited for an eight-storey apartment block, Dad wouldn’t build it there if not. Stop getting in the way!”

Nick said that landlords shouldn’t be villainized “where else are first-home buyers gonna live, if not in our first-homes,” he said.

“And we aren’t greedy, if my tenants are behind on rent, I give them the option of a paymentplan before I kick them out,” Nick added.

They’ve destroyed the earth, ruined workers lives and have now set their eyes on the next frontier. Space.

In the newest version of the space race, the richest men in the world have decided that they will invest more money in a dick measuring contest.

After arguing too much about whether the Karman line really is where space begins, the men decided to start their new mission.

A woman raised an issue in a tersely worded email to the men. She pointed out that the space environment should be protected, instead of rapidly filled by broken satellites and other polluting leftovers.

In response, the men described her as angry and wondered whether it might be that time of the month.

The men have invested even more of their wealth into the competition as a result. If they can mine the planets, it’s just an added benefit.

We’ve let men ruin the world, are we prepared to let them ruin space too?

The success of Musk’s trip to space has inspired a new move: SpaceXXX

Important Article

This is a tiny article that is placed in the corner of the page.

It is about a really important story from this week’s news cycle.

You might want to know what it is about but too bad for you, because we can’t actually fit the story here.

Instead we have given the rest of this column to a silly lifestyle piece, which is definitely “news”.

Hope we are not your only news source. Here’s a little hint, the story is 10

NATIONAL INDIGENOUS TIMES IS A HIGHLY PARTISAN, 100% INDIGENOUS EXPLOITATIVE NEWSPAPER

nit.com.au

Your guide to being a right-wing puppet LIFESTYLE PAGE 2

556 AND COUNTING Labor falling behind on Indigenous deaths in custody targets

“

GUS T. ODIE

In an astonishing display of bureaucratic determination after a barrage of criticism from the federal Opposition, the Albanese government has unveiled their audacious plans to increase Indigenous deaths in custody, aiming to meet their lofty targets and leave no room for disappointment.

“We’re not here to underachieve; we’re here to make things happen.”

“We’ve always believed in setting ambitious goals, and it’s time for us to step up and achieve the numbers we’ve been dreaming of,” declared Prime Minister Anthony Albanese in Question Time today, with an air of misplaced confidence. “We’re not here to underachieve; we’re here to make things happen. If not now, then when? If not us, then who?”

Sources within the government have revealed that officials were dissatisfied with the current figure of 556 deaths in custody since the 1991 Royal Commission into Indigenous Deaths in Custody. Feeling the pressure to meet their impressively high targets, they have embarked on a bold strategy to increase the numbers and ensure that no one could accuse them of falling short.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 3

Albanese gives out people’s backyards for Halloween S. PUGH KEIGH

A Sydney council voted to give ownership of council land to Indigenous people on the 31st of October.

The left-dominated Inner West Council, inspired by the handing back of Uluru to Indigenous people, wants to start a national trend of giving “stolen land” to traditional owners to own and manage. It is rumoured that the Labor-dominated council has received backing from Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, following the failure of the Voice to Parliament.

It is not clear yet what council land would be involved, however, the Inner West has substantial holdings including parks and other allotments.

Councillors recently unanimously agreed to start the process of identifying “all the opportunities, including any places of cultural significance” for transfer to the Metropolitan Local Aboriginal Land Council.

Land transfers are usually done at Federal and State levels. Under the Act, if a piece of land is use, occupied or needed for public use, then it can’t be claimed by an Aboriginal Land Council.

It seems the local council wishes to subvert this ruling, instead handing over the backyards of its ratepayers.

“When I bought this place, it was all about the water views. The thought that someone could come in and use the land for their own

culturally significant practices is deeply upsetting,” said Barry, a Leichhardt resident.

“Announcing it on Halloween was another kick in the face.

Usually my street goes all out with decorations and trick-ortreating, but this year we were too afraid to hang anything up for fear that it would offend Indigenous elders,” Barry said.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 2

Let’s put an ad here.

2

LIFESTYLE

nit.com.au

The Price Method: How to shamelessly seek the praise of white people JONATHAN WHITEMAN

Lemon myrtle pancakes a top priority for USU Eats FLETCHER FLAPJACK

In a mouthwatering move that’s causing a stir on campus, USU Eats has embarked on a culinary venture aimed at embracing Indigenous culture: lemon myrtle pancakes.

Part of its Reconciliation Action Plan (RAP), the USU hopes the addition to its menu will be a meaningful step towards reconciliation.

USU CEO Andrew Mills, the staunch ally behind this initiative, declared, “We’re not just making pancakes; we’re crafting a culinary bridge to cultural understanding.

There’s nothing better than the syrupy handshake of reconciliation.”

Students have eagerly embraced the use of native Australian ingredients, with one student remarking; “I never knew pancakes could be so politically correct. I feel like I’m eating my way through a tasty lesson in the history of Indigenous liberation!”

“People are going to be calling me ‘uncle’ in no time!” exclaimed Mills, urging students to “flip the pancake on cultural understanding.”

So, the next time you take a bite of that golden, lemon myrtle-infused goodness, know that you’re not just indulging in a pancake—you’re taking a bold step towards a more inclusive future.

Despite the cries for Voice, Treaty and Truth from the Yes camp, a courageous and honest Indigenous woman is still demanding one thing that white advocates don’t dare touch: respect from white people. She is Jacinta Nampijnpa Price, and she is not afraid to leave her own community behind in the pursuit of success.

Price is not a boxticker when it comes to her community. Innercity lefties have subjected her to ongoing abuse because they accept the reality of power in Australian politics.

Speaking about the role of Indigenous people in Parliament, Price said “everything we have now is thanks to white people.

My grandfather never had the opportunity to run for parliament, but because he first saw

white fellows in his early adolescence, we now have this opportunity.”

Price good-naturedly pointed out that “many of us [Aboriginal Australians] have the same opportunities as all other Australians.”

She praised the systems of neoliberal capitalism, saying that we have it much better than other countries. “And none of this would be possible without the white man.”

Israeli flag colours projected on Uluru MARK MAN

Glorious blue and white will illuminate the nation’s red centre to show Australia’s dedication to the Israeli cause of colonising Indigenous lands.

The Northern Territory government has made the decision to condemn the actions of Hamas.

We could build a city around the rock, maybe a luxury resort or two...

Some have criticised the unprecedented display of solidarity, questioning why this hasn’t been done for other causes. Tourism advocates note that expansion into a light-based event similar to vivid could increase the appeal of the natural beauty that forms Australia’s core.

“We could build a city around the rock, maybe a luxury resort or two… It’s already at the centre of the country, why not make it the centre of tourism and trade,” noted Jackie White, Accommodation Australia’s official spokesperson.

A spokesperson for the Albanese Government said that — despite the joint management of Uluru-Kata Tjuta National Park by Anangu and the Australian Government — Traditional Owners were not consulted

prior to the display.

“We wanted to take a stance quickly, and sometimes these negotiations take a while,” the spokesperson said.

“We’ve received feedback from Anangu and are working with them to

determine a way forward for Uluru’s management and lighting.”

Trick or Treaty? PM’s spooky season backflip FROM PAGE 1 “It’s just so sad to see an important cultural event pass with no acknowledgement from the majority, and nowhere to perform its rituals.”

Another council local, Brenda, spoke fondly and sadly about the importance of their weekly badminton matches.

“Every week, we head down to the park to try to facilitate connections between international and domestic students. Sport brings people together, and once they meet other people it can be much easier

to ask for help in times of trouble,” Brenda said.

“Some people may see the games as frivolous, but they are culturally significant. If you go through the archives at local universities like the University of Sydney, you will find that there is history behind badminton games,” Brenda said.

“Saying that a badminton game has no meaning is like saying there is no meaning to a smoking ceremony just because you don’t understand it”.

The council has previously passed similar motions, moving to acknowledge the Traditional Owners before each meeting.

The council appears to want to sacrifice local playgrounds to advertise their own virtue.

Foundations of Western civilisation program director at the Institute of Public Affairs, Dr Bella d’Abrera, said the council had complete disregard for ratepayers.

“The council appears to want to sacrifice local playgrounds to

advertise their own virtue,” she said.

“Will the councillors be willing to set an example by giving up their homes?” she said.

“This is exactly the type of unhinged policy we have come to expect from the Inner West Council, which has been captured by dangerous and ideological identity politics.”

Unlawfully discharging your firearm should be a sometimes food HEALTHY HAROLD

The Law Enforcement Conduct Commission this week handed down its findings from a review of QLD Police responses in Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities. The report identified a number of key factors, chiefly the lifestyle choices of law enforcement officers.

DISMANTLING OXYGEN OPPORTUNITIES FOR AUSTRALIA. PART OF

QLD Police Commissioner Katarina Carroll unveiled the groundbreaking findings.

“We’ve got to take the bold step and support our nation’s most essential workers,” Carroll explained. “It can be difficult to make healthy choices, but I think it’s time we recognise that extrajudicially discharging your firearm is a sometimes food.”

“When I was with the Queensland Police, we could all get around a cheeky bit of raciallymotivated hatred.”

In Parliament, Opposition Leader Peter Dutton denounced the review, noting, “It’s not the government’s role to be regulating how I choose to oppress minorities. When I was with the Queensland Police, we could all get around a cheeky bit of racially-motivated hatred.”

In an effort to implement the recommendations of the report, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese today announced his government’s “Healthier Choices” program — an online learning platform to teach police how to make smarter choices about their intake of gratuitous violence.

“It’s time to focus on the real issue.”

The move, which has been branded by some as deflective, comes off the back of activists calling for the implementation of the recommendations of the 1991 Royal Commission into Aboriginal Deaths in Custody.

Carroll rebutted, “Sure, data shows Queensland Police shot more people last year than police in the rest of Australia combined.

But did you know that only 20% of Queensland police officers eat a hearty breakfast every morning?

It’s time to focus on the real issue.”

3

OPINION

nit.com.au

Learn more

A SHITTER FUTURE

Still work to be done on deaths in custody

FROM PAGE 1 The ambitious plan reportedly includes a series of initiatives aimed at increasing the likelihood of deaths in custody. Some leaked documents suggest the implementation of a reform to ensure government responses to critical issues in remote Indigenous communities are intentionally delayed, aggravating tensions and escalating situations within custodial settings.

“We want to ensure that the process itself becomes a hazard, adding an extra layer of risk for those in our care.”

“We’re confident that by dragging our

feet on crucial reforms, we can create an environment ripe for police overreaction,” said Albanese. “This is about proactive inaction – we’re not waiting for things to go wrong; we’re making them go wrong.”

In seeking a whole-of-system response, the NSW state government is also exploring the possibility of introducing a bureaucratic obstacle course for Indigenous people in custody, to ensure that navigating an elaborate maze of paperwork and red tape assuredly becomes a life-threatening challenge.

“We want to ensure that the process itself becomes a hazard, adding an extra layer of risk for those in our care,” explained Corrections Minister Anoulack Chanthivong. “If they can manage to survive our bureaucratic hurdles, then maybe they do deserve to live.”

Critics have expressed outrage at the government’s approach, arguing

that it reflects a callous disregard for human life and a failure to address the root causes of Indigenous deaths in custody.

Indigenous rights advocates are calling for an immediate halt to the misguided initiatives and a reevaluation of the government’s priorities.

“This is a blatant attempt to manipulate the numbers instead of addressing the systemic issues that lead to deaths in custody,” said a critic. “It’s time for the government to abandon these absurd strategies and focus on real solutions.”

As the controversy unfolds, it remains to be seen whether the government will continue down this perilous path or reconsider its approach to Indigenous deaths in custody, opting for genuine reform over numerical manipulation.

5 5 6

NOTICE TO GRANT MINING TENEMENTS NATIVE TITLE ACT 1993 (CTH) SECTION 29

The State of Western Australia HEREBY GIVES NOTICE that the Minister for Mines and Petroleum, C/Department of Mines, Industry Regulation and Safety, 100 Plain Street, East Perth WA 6004 may grant the folowing tenement applications under the Mining Act 1978: Traditional Owners (not that we really care)

Tenement status

Applicant

Site

DESTROYED

Rio Tinto

Juukan Gorge (A federal inquiry into the destruction of the 46,000-year-old rock shelter deemed it to be one of the most archeologically-significant sites in Australia.)

Puutu Kunti Kurrama and Pinikura people

AT RISK

Fortescue

Weelumurra (At-risk sites include dozens of rock shelters, including two that contain archaeological evidence of humans dating back 60,000 years.)

East Guruma People (Rock shelters contain engravings of sacred texts and creation stories.)

AT RISK

Rio Tinto

Yirra (Evidence of humans from 23,000 years ago found here proved that the Hamersley Range was used as a climate refuge at the end of the last Ice Age.)

Yinhawakngka People

AT RISK

Fortescue

Ngajanha Marnta (Mining giants gained approval to destroy dozens of rock shelters without researching their significance.)

East Guruma People

AT RISK

BHP (Approved three days after the destruction of Juukan Gorge was uncovered by an inquiry.)

Tharbadu or Djadjiling (At least 40, and up to 86, significant sites — including rock shelters and scar trees.)

Banjima People

DESTROYED

Fortescue

Land cleared in the Weelamurra Creek region.

(Permission was originally granted on the condition that local Elders were present to perform cultural rites and supervise operations. This condition this was not met.)

Wintawari Guruma

Successive governments have granted multi-billion dollar mining companies permission to desecrate 463 sacred Indigenous sites over the past 10 years.

Notices to grant mining tenements and amalgamations give local communities three or four months to file a Native Title determination application. If the community becomes party to Native Title, they are entitled to negotiation or procedural rights under the Native Title Act 1993.

In the wake of the destruction of Juukan Gorge, Indigneous lobby groups have noted that negotiation and consultation with Traditional Owners is not enough.

Legislation currently states that Native Title parties have a right to negotioate and that this must be completed before a mining lease can be granted.

Despite this requirement, Traditional Owners have no power to negotiate and must rely on the goodwill of mining companies to protect their sacred sites.

NOTICE TO GRANT AMALGAMATION NATIVE TITLE ACT 1993 (CTH) SECTION 29

The State of Western Australia HEREBY GIVES NOTICE that the Minister for Mines and Petroleum, C/- Department of Mines, Industry Regulation and Safety, 100 Plain Street, East Perth WA 6004 may grant the folowing tenement applications under the Mining Act 1978: Rio Tinto

Fortescue

BHP

$19,400,000,000

$9,600,000,000

$48,200,000,000

Rio Tinto net income, 2022

Fortescue Metals net income, 2022

BHP net income, 2022

A workplace culture report led by former Sex Discrimination Commissioner Elizabeth Broderick investigated the rates of sexual misconduct in fly-in-fly-out operations.

In 2022, Rio Tinto confirmed that 28.2% of female staff members have experienced sexual harrassment in the workplace.

Half of all surveyed employees complained about workplace bullying and sexism.

In 2008, Fortescue attempted to gain mining licensess in the Solomon Hub area.

After negotiations with Native Title holders through the Yindjibarndi Aboriginal Corporation failed, Fortescue was ordered to compensate the Yindjubarndi community.

Yindjibarndi Aboriginal Corporation is leading a Native Title compensation claim in Federal Court.

In 2023, the Fair Work Ombudsman announced that BHP had underpaid its workers in the amount of more than $430,000,000.

This came after BHP failed to correctly compensate employees for working on public holidays over the previous 13 years.

OPINION 11

Wednesday November 15, 2023 | The Daily Telegaph

STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT W

e’re just everyday Aussie blokes. We enjoy a meat pie at the footy. We love a bit of backyard cricket. We’re casual racists and binge drinkers. I am, you are, we are Australian. And now that might all be taken away.

Life’s hard for us. Things used to be great. Remember the 1950s? We used to have fish and chips. Now we also have butter chicken and chips. You don’t see kids at the RSL anymore. Pubs are getting bare.

Cricket grounds unused. Footy balls collecting dust. Domestic violence rates are still the same. Where did our Australian values go?

They say some things never change. But if you really really want them to stay the same. Like, a lot.

Like your hegemonic social and

cultural power was contingent on it. Would the wheels of time stop rolling for that?

No. Things keep on changing.

And we don’t like that. They say the climate is changing. How can that be? It was always hot. It can’t get hotter. It can’t. It can’t. STOP IT. Gender! Oh what a drag. It used to be so easy. Men got with women.

The women were miserable, the men repressed, but at least we knew what to do.

Nobody does it worse than our pointless pollies. Labor politicians, not to mention the loony Greens and the top-end-of-town-Teals, and angry activists, get to wield their wacky policies like they don’t impact ordinary Australians.

Australians like us. They’re increasing welfare, but what about

our welfare? We’re not doing well.

We’re struggling. Please, a bone.

The entitled generation just doesn’t get it. They call themselves progressive, but who are they progressing? Not us. We feel like we’re going backwards. We’re in an existential panic, clawing at relevance, meaning, power. Won’t anyone listen? No, they’re too busy cancelling us for thought crimes.

Sometimes other crimes too (oh

poor Andrew…)

That’s why we’re raising our voices. We’ve been quiet for too long. Last wednesday, when our last column was published Australia-wide, was an age ago.

We’re gonna talk like we’re running out of time, like capitalism is stretched to its limits and the climate is ready for payback.

Hear us roar.

Steve. He’s one of us. He won’t be smiling for long.

Ben Roberts-Smith is an We need to talk about ANZAC hero men’s mental health High-profile Towoomba Man

Peta Credlin On 25 April 1914, ANZAC (Australian) troops stormed the beaches at Gallipoli.

Despite being stitched up by an incompetent and disdainful elite, they bravely charged the beaches, weathering enemy fire. ANZACs are known worldwide for, among other things, their overwhelming courage in the face of adversity.

I cannot think of a more ANZAC ANZAC than Ben Roberts-Smith.

Despite media companies proving in the Federal Court that Roberts-Smith handcuffed an Afghani man, walked him to a cliff face, pushed him off it, and then ordered another soldier to shoot him as he lay injured, executing an elderly man who had surrendered to him, ordering another man with a prosthetic leg be shot after he surrendered, hiding evidence and intimidating witnesses, Roberts-Smith has faced head-on a full-scale onslaught by a determined enemy. Unlike those who the ANZACs fought at Gallipoli,

Roberts-Smith’s enemy is well known. The Australian media.

Roberts-Smith has not been charged, or found guilty, of any criminal charges. To me, we can only interpret that one way: that he is innocent of all wrongdoing. In court, other witnesses contradicted the claims that Roberts-Smith kicked a defenceless man off a cliff. Sure, the judge found that their evidence was unreliable.

Sure, he found that RobertsSmith had intimidated potential witnesses. But that’s just his opinion. Others, like me, feel very strongly that maybe he didn’t do all that.

Innocent until proven guilty.

I find it utterly ridiculous that Roberts-Smith has been accused (and remember, that is all) of war crimes. ANZACs have never committed war crimes. They haven’t, that’s common sense. Otherwise they’d teach it in schools!

Unlike the rest of the media, who are in bed with Labor, I think we should be remembering why we know

of Roberts-Smith’s name in the first place. Because he was very brave in helping storm and conquer an Afghan village.

This is a man who would stop at nothing to kill Taliban militants. Surely he wouldn’t kill unarmed men.

But even if he did, that’s ok.

In the fog of war, as my former boss once said, “shit happens”.

I don’t really care about war crimes, because that would make us think less of ANZACs. That would be unAustralian.

Find part 2 of the Daily Telegaph’s lifesize Ben RobertsSmith poster on page 27. Part 3, the torso*, will be in tomorrow’s paper. *Crusader cross omitted.

As an adolescent, I struggled with anxiety all too familiar to those from a white middle class background.

I would stay up all night, plagued with fears that my peers would reject or humiliate me. I constantly struggled in class as a result, particularly in tasks involving presentations or public speaking. I had thought I would never experience anything as terrifying as my first HSC exam, but I was wrong.

I have never experienced anything that has paralysed me as profoundly as my experience in the courts.

Throughout the course of my case, I was humiliated repeatedly on the stand, with people in positions of power forcing me to relive some of the worst moments of my life. Each day I was asked to re-live the one night of my life that I regret more than anything.

There is a lot of support

for women involved in these cases. Counselling is offered throughout the process and they are offered protection in the courtroom itself. The same cannot be said for men.

My mental health has deteriorated throughout the entire trial process. From receiving the charges to defending myself on the stand, I have never once been offered the consolation offered to women.

I am lucky that I was not found guilty. The judge said there was not enough evidence to convict me of sexual assault, and for that I am grateful. Here begins the path to recovery: I can only hope that the rest of the world can catch up.

Roberts-Smith, shooting bravely, not illegally 15

12 LIFESTYLE LIFESTYLE

The Daily Telegaph | Wednesday November 15, 2023

FA R L E Y G R A N G E R

At home with Hutchinson ou can hear her before Y you can see her. Belinda Hutchinson is a corporate

mogul through-andthrough, her hands full with the many corporate boards she sits on alongside running The University of Sydney as Chancellor.

I meet her in the foyer of her Point Piper home after a once over from her security team. Dressed in a crisp pantsuit, the Chancellor greeted me, apologising for her lateness.

“My zoom meeting ran late, sorry!” she exclaimed.

“It was either Snowy Hydro or AGL. Honestly, I can barely tell these power companies apart: I have so much of it myself!”

We took a seat in her study, a room that seemed mostly for display. The walls were lined with philosophy books, prompting the first question of the interview.

“For someone who seems to love philosophy so much, I’m curious about why you’re cutting half the department.

Where did that decision come from?”

“What, these books?

They’re all just placeholders!

Cardboard sheaths with nothing inside. Much like the workers at the University only they seem to be filled to the brim with unionism and

TO LISTEN BOARD DIRECTORS FARTING IN LINE AT COURTYARD

a strong fighting spirit.”

“About the strike campaign: what was it like on your end?”

“It was cute, really. We all got to work from home for a few days, booking zoom calls instead of our usual F23 rooms. I got to see Marky in his pyjamas, and what a treat that was!”

The strict security of the Hutchinson house meant that my time was drawing to a close. With time for only a final question, I asked the question on everyone’s lips.

“What does a chancellor do in the broader context of University management?”

Alas, our time drew to a close. Before Hutchinson

“I feel so lucky to wake up and defend the University for its poor support services for students who have been sexually assaulted.”

16

The beep beep of board directors using their meal cards is only matched by the toot toot as they fart. After leaving Food Hub high and dry, they are dropping something low and wet.

Belinda Hutchinson in her abode.

A Morning in My Life: University Media Worker Every morning, I wake up. I open my emails.

I grab the breakfast that I stored in the fridge last night in little tiny tupperware that matches perfectly.

My tupperware drawer is so neat and I never struggle to find a lid.

My coffee is already ready at Forum Cafe when I walk in to my shiny office building.

Time to check my emails, but this time on a bigger screen. Thank god we fired those academics last year, I got my second monitor off the back of the Philosophy cuts. We love a second monitor moment.

What We’re Loving Right Now

My perfect morning is interrupted by a Google Alert notification for an article from the student newspaper.

Ugh, not those dang kids again. Get a real fucking job. I decide to send them back line by line corrections.

All marked in red text. It’s a totally useful and readable way to communicate the University’s issues with the article. That’ll teach them a lesson.

I defend the University against poor services for student carers, people who have been sexually assaulted on campus and still have to attend placements, people who have lost their jobs, the erosion of workers rights, the University investments in fossil fuel companies, the University testing assignment platforms without proper approval, the University using students personal health data for an app the University profits from, the University having a terrible First Nations policy, the University accepting money from a And so my day goes on. More emails. More machiavellian money making. If it makes my boss happy, then I can go about my life happily.

Whilst sending out some press releases, I realise that its time to go get my lunch. With a deep breath and a refresh of my emails, it’s time for a break. Gaslight. Girlboss. Gatekeep.

could respond, her attaché arrived in the doorway, reminding her about a meeting that was due to start in the next 5 minutes.

All in all, it was an eye-opening experience: it’s true that managers have a keen sense of efficiency, and wealth that seeps from their pores.

TO WATCH PACKED TO THE RAFTERS:

MORE PACKED THAN EVER

In the second reboot in recent years, Packed to Rafters is back and more packed than ever. With even more generations having to live in the same home and the cost of living going up, the Rafters are met even more people who need somewhere to live. With no affordable rentals available, the Rafters are joined by extended family, including a university student living in a tent in their living room.

Marky in his PJs

TO HEAR SOCIALITES WHO TALK IN THE SILENT SECTION OF FISHER

No you are not whispering. I can hear everything you say. Nobody cares about your party, or how “lit” it was. I’m finally getting around to that assignment that was due two months ago. Special Cons is now ringing the fake GP I put on the forged medical certificate. A little bit of sympathy.

I’m at breaking point.

TO BOOK A SUDS SHOW THAT IS LESS THAN FIVE HOURS LONG

Oh fuck. You see your friend has a new DP. They are doing another fucking SUDS show and they want you to come see it. Fuck, another bunch of flowers you will have to buy. The first fifteen minutes will be great, until you realise you can’t get on your phone and the cast members will stare at you no matter how quietly you open that packet of chips. How is it already 11:30? For god sake Amadeus. Just die already.

TO DRINK THE MYSTERIOUS LIQUID IN THE NEW LAW TOILETS

What is it? Why is it always there?

Wednesday November 15, 2023 | The Daily Telegaph

Sydney Confidential

SHOWBIZ 13

With A Man, A Woman & Another Woman

‘We are a family’ says Generic Family Sitcom cast after sexual harassment and assault allegations surface

The star of ‘Generic Family Sitcom’ has been the subject of a new series of allegations.

After fifteen women shared their stories of harassment and assault allegedly at the hands of Actor Surname, who played vague side character on the wellloved sitcom.

The leading cast have all posted on social media expressing their concern at the situation.

A story post makes more vague allegations about the situation.

The cast have released a shared statement emphasising that they are a family and will be approaching the situation together.

The sitcom stars had previously been scheduled to start in a reunion but this has been postponed given the gravity of this ‘situation’.

Generic Famiy Sitcom played on our screens for 10 years. It is considered Actor Surname’s breakout role.

The victim-survivors have been given no support from the studio, production company or the cast of Generic Family Show.

The accused has received letters of support to emphasise his great character from his cast members. He is expected to

join the reboot for the five year reunion.

A good man is never knocked down for too long, they always know how to get back up, or at least they know the right PR people.

GRANT DENYER GROWS 3CM (and not where you’d think)

Invasive new pictures confirms relationship rumours we’ve been peddling for months Guess what? That couple that we’ve been printing pictures of for the last three months turns out to actually be dating.

A source close to the pair has revealed that after being introduced by a mutual friend and living through an insufferable amount of public coverage, they decided to give it a go.

The Telegaph sent its bravest photographers on a mission to follow the pair on their adventures during the day, including buying their groceries and walking their dog. These moments are of high public interest and we recognise our responsibility in serving this interest.

Seen talking together, whilst she was wearing a dress, they are surely a couple. The Telegaph is proud to have been part of the blossoming of these lovebirds. If any little birdies know more, please let us know. We were born for gossip.

International

CONFIDENTIAL

Urban decay: Wax figure defaced with hairdryer to melt in new wrinkles

The model-makers at Madame Tussauds have been hard at work keeping the rockin’ model of Keith Urban up to date. It’s a difficult task as Urban regularly signs up to judge another singing competition. As Urban chooses his next location, the Tussauders, as they are affectionately known, busily bubble wrap him to send to the next stop on his world tour. When will Keith appear in your neighbourhood?

Fresh off a check up at the pediatrician, Australia’s favourite game show host has discovered a shocking new secret. He has grown another 3cm... somewhere where the sun don’t shine.

Whilst Denyer had been informed as a child that he would not grow any more, it seems that he has defied scientific explanation.

Denyer is glad that this new growth occurred after the conclusion of his racing career.

Unfortunately his Fisher Price car would no longer accomodate his growth spurt.

Luckily, it has thus far not impeded Denyer’s quality of life (and may have even improved it) as he watches his interest in the world fade as another family takes even longer to submit their answer for this week’s episode of Family Feud.

The mystery as to where the new length has appeared is yet to be revealed.

Family Feud reruns can be watched at 4am on TEN Peach.

Urban sprawl: New pictures reveal Keith’s favourite positions

A source close to Urban has told The Telegaph that they guessed Urban’s phone password during a recent visit. With Urban rushing off to the bathroom, the source found their opportunity laying on the table in front of them. The snooping source didn’t expect to see what they were about to find. After a few failed attempts at guessing his password, they finally realised that the picture of Urban on his nearby wall would unlock his FaceID. So much for tech security?!

A quick scroll through his phone revealed that Urban has a gallery on his phone of posed pictures in different corners of his house. Talk about the christening the space!

Spotted

Abby Lee Miller has swapped Dance Moms for USyd, and Baskin Robbins for Yo-Chi. Astrophysics is a leap away from the dance studio, but we think she can pick up this chorography. Catch her zoomin down Eastern Ave.

Celebrity dies: See their last text, their secret mistress and their final bathroom visit

Turns out we don’t respect anyone’s right to privacy, instead here we will tell you the final tragic details of a celebrity’s life. Death knocks, Facebook posts and a quote from someone’s aunt will fill this article. Hope you don’t mind the discomfort as we spread more rumours about them. The best part is that the dead can’t sue us.

WEIGHT AND SEE? Which celebrity is promoting a new diet consisting of eating your first born child?

Urban renewal: Keith to undergo facelift transformation

After one too many tabloid cover story about his ageing face, Urban has succumbed to the pressure.

Celebrity surgeon to the stars, Dr Lemme Giveuanewface, has announced that Urban is scheduled to go under the knife later this week. With Botched getting a new season, we hope all goes well and that Urban avoid any unsightly side-effects, which might prompt even more coverage. The Telegaph wishes Urban the best for his upcoming procedure. Lets hope that he can remain the face of Australia (oh wait, New Zealand).

17

14 NEWS

Business Daily

The Daily Telegaph | Wednesday November 15, 2023

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Mergers & Acquisitions

Mergers & Acquisitions

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the Sons of God. Blessed are the M&A lawyers, for they will be called top-performers, after a week of wheeling and dealing on USyd campus.

180 Degrees Consulting, AIESEC in Sydney, Sydney University Business Society, Sydney University Impact Investing Society, Sydney Consulting Club, USyd Network for Investing and Trading to merge into USU Consulting Society Economic inefficiency was this week’s biggest loser, as student bigwigs have decided that economies of scale are worth more than ladder climbing. The move is a remarkable growth-hacking effort for the synergy of the on-campus consulting space. Just wait until you see those powerpoints!

USU to acquire Consulting Society

the

USU

In a pivot for the student-focussed organisation, the USU will leverage the hyperlocal thought leaders at the USUCS to lead a campus-based paradigm shift, bringing the new mega-club into their ecosystem.

The SRC sues the USU

The ACCC is investigating the USU for anti-competitive behaviour after a series of concerning mergers and acquisitions.

The SRC, on the advice of its lawyers, will also be suing the USU. Once on the backfoot, David is taking on Goliath. But in the business world, Goliath always wins.

The SRC is acquired by USU

The USU overwhelmed the SRC’s legal team, using dodgier legal tactics than Johnny Depp. The SRC lawyers were forced to enter a settlement deal, in which the USU will be acquiring the SRC. Socialist Alternative has described the move as “a sectarian capitulation to management”, blaming Grassroots. The SRC legal team maintained that despite the complete collapse of the SRC, they have more TikTok followers than the USU’s lawyers.

USU merges with USyd

John Howard rejoice! With the SRC subsumed within the USU beneath, and the Consulting Society recommending that activism and FoodHub be shut down due to weak economic dividends, University management pounced. Whilst Co-CEOs Mark Scott and Andrew Mills were spotted popping champagne bottles, USU Board Director and Honorary Treasurer Nick Dower was left banging on the door. He did not have swipe access. Members of management then occupied the SRC, as payback for 2020.

Only this time the police were not called.

18

dailytelegaph.com.au/business facebook.com/dailytelegaph

INFLATION’S THRUST NOT ENOUGH TO STOP BUSINESS COMING

“As the suffragettes said, ‘I’d rather be a rebel than a slave’” Liza Badman H&M CEO

Mergers & Acquisition

CEOs’ firmness enough to pentrate gaping holes in flacid markets

D

Richard Cummins

espite Labor’s inflation cock-up, corporate Australia has managed to maintain its fiscal stamina.

Corporate profits have reached their nadir, due to the astute leadership of their spunky CEOs. Hotshot execs have caressed and stroked their workforce, into record productivity, while slowly edging prices towards a climax previously unthinkable.

Profits rose 11% over the year to November, outstripping an inflation rate remainning stubbornly around 7%.

What a naughty naughty boy you are, inflation (and you

too, Jim).

Clearly, customers are liking what they see. Paying more and more, just to get to that magic moment (be it buying a bottle of milk, or having their rent paid for the month) consumers are helping business get to their happy place.

While some consumer groups are claming that businesses are “shafting” them, or “fucking them over”, super CEO Dick Sheen says that could not be further from the truth.

“Consumers are like the quivvering member on our our boards, totally submissive.

They like it when we give it to

them hard.

“Part of our appeal is that we have been helping customers discover new parts of themselves, be the sensation in their chests after living in a mould-infested rental property or that feeling in their stomach when they start skipping meals because food is suddenly way more expensive.”

With global markets softening in the wake of the Ukrain-Russia conflict and the pandemic, Australia can only thank CEOs and corporations for keeping things fresh boadroom to the bedroom.

Bangladeshi bac girlboss Badman S. Cabb

ne of the world’s most respected fashion retailers, H&M, is revolutionising fashion and showing the world the power of its radical craftsmanship. H&M CEOs Liza Badman and Zebedee Cuntnick, sat down with the Telegraph to discuss their vision of expanding sweatshops to new countries.

“Our customers want more Central Asian sweat on their clothes. And if Fathima’s hands must be covered in blisters

O

IPO good to go for oldest Aussie Uni Stock Reporter The University has launched on the Australian Stock Exchange (ASX) this week, in a move years in the making.

The University, Australia’s oldest, went public with a value of $2 billion, a price recognising its stellar profitability of late.

The IPO led to wild scenes on the roof of the F23 building, with super VC Mark Scott seen shirtless and skulling champagne.

Belinda Hutchinson sent off a celebratory missile, generously

provided by her employer Thales.

After spending three hours on hold with the Student Centre, the Telegaph was able to get through to Scott who said, “we’ve worked hard to put the university in as profitable a financial position as possible.

“Cuts to courses, and staff, were thoughtfully considered to lower our costs. And I’m delighted that we’ve still got a better cash cow than Koshie’s, international students. The mugs!

“The University is particularly grateful to its casual staff, who

have so generously given us their wages so we could make today happen.”

It is understood that investors’ first move will be to abolish the unprofitable Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences. Current Provost Annamarie Jagose will be brought in as a consultant, in recognition of her considerable experience.

Experienced FASS dismantler Annamarie Jagose

NEWS 15

Wednesday November 15, 2023 | The Daily Telegaph

Lively little ones better off at work T

cklash no problem for n and her stomach growling from hunger to make you all look so, so delicious, that’s a price I’m willing to pay” said Badman with her crisp “Free the Nipple” t-shirt.

“I’m a strong hardworking woman.

I expect the same of all of our Uzbeki staff. As a feminist, I want to say to Fathima: the sky is the limit. From Girlboss to Girlworker, don’t stop dreaming, don’t stop working. ” When asked if he was upset at the worker walkout in Bangladesh, Cuntnick said that

“I care about all our workers.

But into this business because I love clothes. I love them cheap.

And clothes don’t make themselves, workers in our Bangladeshi production facilities do. For a sector-leading wage too, I might add.”

“But I’m not made of money, we just can’t afford to pay them $209 a month.”

“Let me be clear. We are not in a war on workers. We will show mercy, so long as they quit the strike.”

he lefties will hate me for this, but here goes: instituting child labour is the only way to get this country’s lagging productivity back on track. Aussies need to swallow a hard truth — too many workers these days are lazy, slothful, torpid, welfare cheats who feed off the public teat and wouldn’t know a hard day’s work if it bit into their rears. Sorry for the foul imagery, but someone needed the guts to say it.

Any responsible parent will know how much energy the little ones can have, especially after they’ve climbed into the pantry and worked their way through three bags of party mix before the babysitter got off their arse and noticed. And if we’re being frank, it’s this kind of vigour and resourcefulness that this country is lacking.

Children haven’t been subjected to the cultural Marxism that pervades today’s university educated youthitariat.

They won’t complain about woke “rights” such as overtime pay, sick leave and bathroom breaks.

They’ll dive headfirst into whatever job they’re given, because their prefrontal cortexes are nowhere near developed and they can’t comprehend risk.

With kids earning their own income (which, I’ll add, will be a “junior” rate [regardless of business size] to support small businesses), they’ll be able to help regular Aussie families deal with Albo’s colossally catastrophic cost of living crisis bungle blunder.

Imagine having an extra pair of hands to help pay off your LaborLowe sponsored mortgage.

And with the kids clocking off at 5pm with you, there’ll be no need for after school care either.

Sounds like a win-win to me.

Whatsmore, brands including H&M and Zara are in dire need of workers after a sweatshop walkout in Bangladesh. Why not send the tikes there? They’ll learn important leadership skills, hard economic lessons and support the garment industry while they’re at it. If you ask me, those lessons are well worth the salary of $1.42 per hour.

So, to my opening lines: instituting child labour would make a very definitive statement that Australia is open for business. Tough times call for tough measures, and I reckon the most important thing is securing Australia’s future. Don’t you?

“I’ve always wanted to get paid.

One day I’ll have 100 dollars!”

Timmy T, 9. Source: Mum.

BBL launches MMRP Murr Derr A new industry initiative is showing promise for our most vulnerable members of society.

The Big Brothers League (BBL) has launched the Murderous Men Recovery Program (MMRP) internship, aimed at providing ex-GPS school boys with the corporate job they would have receieved, had they not murdered their partner.

Mosman man, Oliver Pompous, is the latest recipient of the MMRP. CEO of the BBL, Christopher Fluffball has made a name for himself by standing up for the little guy. “The aim of BBL is to inflate men up, after they have gone through

the traumatic experience of murdering their girlfriend or wife. A smart, respectable, private-school educated man would never mean to purposely murder his loved one, and here at BBL, we understand that mistakes aren’t made, they just happen.”

“We wouldn’t want a good future ruined by a repeated, and widespread, pattern of behaviour,” said Fluffball while stroking his goatie. Cancel culture be damned, good men will never be defeated.

The MMRP cuts against the grain of the business world, with its favouritism for female candidates. A rare oasis in the ocean for disadvantaged men such as X Disclaimer: The reporter who wrote this article is also a member of the BBL. 19

16 TELEVISION ABC TV

The Daily Telegaph | Wednesday November 15, 2023

SEVEN

NINE

TEN

SBS

8.00 ABC Morning News.

10.00 Antiques Roadshow.

11.00 Landline. 12.00 ABC Midday News. 1.00 White Guilt inducer. 2.00 White Guilt reliever. 3.00 The Food of India. 4.00 Ethnic adventures: Turkey.

6.00 Wake up Kochie. 7.00 Sunrise. 9.00 The Morning Show. 10.00 Kochie arrives at work. 12.00 Morning News, with Kochie. 1.00 Curious Caterer: Dying for Chocolate.

3.00 The Chase US. 4.00 Seven “News” at 4.

6.00 Today. 8.00 Karl on World Events 9.00 Karl makes an inappropriate joke. 10.00 Karl issues an apology. 12.00 Neighbours from Hell. 1.00 The Block: Detention Centre Week.

2.00 The Block: Sex Dungeon Week. 2.00 Young Sheldon.

6.00 Ready Steady Cook. 7.00 [Blank, for budget]. 8.00 [Blank, outcompeted by Kochie & Karl].

9.00 Dr Phil. 10.00 Studio 10.

12.00 Neighbours. 12.00 Dr Oz. 1.00 Judge Judy: Dr Phil vs Dr Oz. 3.00 Dr Phil. 4.00 The Bold and the Beautiful season 68.

6.00 Trinidad News. 7.00 Tobago News. 8.00 Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia News. 9.00 Vatican City News. 11.00 Wake up! Comoros. 12.00 The molto magnifico Italiano News. 3.00 Pharaoh’s curse. 4.00 Great Canal Journeys: Michael travels Morocco.

5.00 ABC News. (R) 6.00 Australian Story: David’s family’s complicitly in genocide.

7.00 ABC Slightly-later News.

8.00 White uppermiddle class guy with a beard news satire show.

5.00 Escape to the country.

5.30 Get me the fuck out of Goulbourn. (R) 6.00 The Chase: Hunt for Andrew O’Keefe. (M) 7.00 7 News: Kochie confesses. (PG) 7.30 Home and Away. (R) 8.00 My Kitchen Rules: Totalitarian Dictatorship.

5.00 Millionaire Hot Seat.

6.00 First-home Buyer Hot Seat.

6.30 Nine News, Karl’s apology. (R18) 7 O’Block The Block.

8.00 Paramatta Panthers U12As v Rooty Hill Roosters U12Bs. (C,R)

5.00 10 News First.

6.00 10 News Last. (PG) 7.00 The Project.

Guest Host ‘And’ from ‘Hamish and Andy’ 8.00 NCIS: Minnesota. (M, R) A moose crossing the road causes trouble for your favourite fast-moving detectives.

5.00 Great Canal Journeys: Michael in Mauritius. (PG) 6.00 Great Canal Journeys: Michael mauled by a monkey in Myanmar.

7.00 Rick Steins’ flavours of Yemen. (C) 8.00 Jack the Ripper: The raw naked bloody truth of Britain’s bloodiest bloke.

9.00 Australian Story: Wayne on his journey from being a school teacher to a school vice-principal. 10.00 That same guy from earlier but this time in a comedy show.

11.00 ABC Even-Later News.

12.00 The Bongo

9.00 My Kitchen Rules: Manu’s NATO intervention.

10.00 The Totally Amazing, Joyfilled Awesome and Super Great Team Egg and Spoon Race. 12.00 Kochie and Cash Cow get on the beers, cause carnage.

9.00 MAFS: Christians. 9.30 The Block-ticon, guest judge Foucault. 10.00 Underbelly: Freya. 11.00 The Block: Rorting negative gearing loopholes week. 11.45 Women’s World Cup Grand Final. 12.00 Tomorrow

9.00 The Masked Whistleblower. 10.00 Generic American Sitcom.

11.00 The more Bold and the more Beautiful. 12.00 Inside Capitalism’s Global Decline with Grant Denyer

9.00 Miriam Margoyles: South Kent railway journeys. (M) 10.00 Nazi supergigamegastructures.

11.00 SBS World News Late.

12.00 24 Hours in ICU, with Michael. (C, R)

6.00 Andrew Bolt reads the headlines about the racist shit he said on air last night 9.45 Andrew Bolt reads that ACMA are after him 10.00 ACMA starts knocking on Andrew Bolt’s door 10.01 Bolt yells that he’s just in the shower and will only be a minute 10.02 Bolt leaps out the window 10.30 Bolt gets in an argument with a person on the train about whether climate change exists 12.30 Bolt arrives at T.K. Maxx to purchase a disguise 12.45 Bolt berates a mum at T.K. Maxx for reading Dark Emu

by Bruce Pascoe 3.00 The cashier recognises Bolt 3.01 Bolt shoplifts the clothes to avoid the cashier, setting all the alarms off 3.30 NSW Police hear that Bolt is now on the run 4.00 Bolt tries to get to the airport so he can flee the country 5.30 Bolt arrives at the airport, berates ground staff for letting immigrants in 9.00 NSW Police and ACMA arrive at the airport 9.15 NSW Police and ACMA corner Bolt 9.30 ACMA give Bolt a verbal warning and tell him that they’d really rather he didn’t spread hate speech again 9.45 NSW Police and Bolt have a chat and realise that they actually get along really well and agree on most issues 10.00 Everyone heads to the pub.

Consumer Information: P Preschool C Children PG Parental Guidance Recommended M Mature Audiences Only (CC) Closed Captions (R) Repeat Please Note: Listings are correct if you find yourself still watching Free to Air television during the day

The island sinks but the show must go on: Watch them find love in an ongoing climate catastrophe.

Season 69: Sex Dungeon Week!: Tune in to find out who will be tied up, held down and spanked!

THE BIG ONE

Kitchen Cabinet: Benjamin Netanyahu: Israeli PM Ben “Benny” Netanyahu joins to discuss hummus not war crimes.

SUDOKU

TARGET MASTER

Across

1 Demonstrative adjective used to specify a singular option (4) 4 Exists (2) 6 This is a blank (9) 11 Ghost (2) 12 Neither (3) 13 Pee (4) 15 Obsolete word, include in it (7) 16 US tax org (3) 17 Poo (4) 18 A drink with jam and bread (3) 19 Greeting (2) 20 Level of difficulty (4) 22 Ant-less animal (5) 23 Abbreviation, imperial unit of measurement for distance (2) 24 An apple a day does not keep the doctor away if you are this princess 26 Counting tools (8) 28 Approved for security access (7) 29 Definite article (3) 30 Exists, again (2) 31 A section of the paper (7) 32 Pandemic virus (6) 33 Not serious (7) 35 Silent child inventor (4) 36 Ancient group inhabiting Scotland (5) 38 The only weekly student newspaper in Australia (4,4) 40 Taylor Swift’s current tour (4) 42 Great cat name (6) 43 A person who definitely doesn’t tell the truth (4) 44 Food you might pronounce wrong (4) 46 Nothing (3) 47 This paper is a blank (6) 22

My Kitchen Rules: Head Chef establishes totalitarian dictatorship: Revolution has hit the kitchens!.

How many words of four or more letters or more can you make?

Each letter can be used only once.

All words must include the centre letter.

Today’s target

Pass 22 Credit 28 Distinction 34 High Distinction 38+

48 Doing words addition (3) 49 Like blasphemy (6) 50 Beatles song (4) 51 Instant message abbreviation (2) 52 Locked in (7) 53 This spot (4)

Down

1 Cross (6) 2 Cross (6) 3 Cross (6) 4 Cross (5) 5 Cross (7) 6 Cross (12)

7 Cross (12) 8 Cross (6) 9 Cross (9) 10 Cross (12) 14 Not Cross (2) 21 Cross (7) 25 Cross (12) 27 Not Cross 🥺 (3) 28 Cross (9) 34 Cross (5) 36 Cross (8) 37 Cross (7) 39 Cross (6) 41 Cross (5) 42 Literally it’s Cross (5)

JUMBLE

WORDWHEEL

Rearrange the letters in each row to form a word.

1.

Write your answers into the blank grid.

Fill in the missing letter to make an eight-letter word which can read either clockwise or anticlockwise

2.

The first letter from each word, reading down, will spell the mystery keyword.

3.

45 Cross, or how you feel after finishing this puzzle (5)

1.

SOLUTION

2.

Across: 1 These 2 Are 3 Fake 4 Answers 5 To 6 Yesterday’s 7 Puzzle 8 Hope 9 You 10 Like 11 The 12 Crossword 13 We 14 Learnt 15 From 16 Last 17 Time 18 Don’t 19 Get 20 Between 21 Honi 22 Readers 23 And 24 Their 25 Crosswords 26 Or 27 Be 28 Prepared 29 To 30 Face 31 Their 32 Wrath Down: 1 These 2 Are 3 More 4 Fake 5 Answers 6 To 7 The 8 Puzzles 9 Please 10 Don’t 11 Make 12 Me 13 Make 14 Another 15 Crossword 16 Thank 17 The 18 People 19 Who 20 Make 21 Your 22 Puzzles 23 The 24 Editors 25 Are 26 Not 27 Cut 28 Out 29 For 30 This

3.

4.

5.

4.

A

5.

P

P E

E

R

R ?

Previous solution: HONISOIT

WHO IS? WHERE IS? HOW IS? 1. The SRC PA system?

2. Radical Chic?

3. Why did the Sancta dog have to die?

4. The person who broke the SRC door?

5. Insert funny question?

6. The person who comes into the SRC to poop at 5pm everyday?

Wednesday November 15, 2023 | The Daily Telegaph

3

1. The Daany Saeed award for flipping to this section to check for their name Jaz Donnelly 2. The Chernobyl safety inspector award for doing your job Alev Saracoglu 3. The Stonewall award for best ally Cole Scott-Curwood 4.

The Xi Jinping consolidating power

award

for

Naz Sharifi

5. The Peter Bol award for running again Ben Hines 6. The Ellen DeGeneres award for nail hygiene Rose Donnelly

SCORES

5

UNDER 10: KEEP AT IT 10-17: YOU’VE GOT THE SMARTS 18-20: UNIVERSITY MEDAL

7. The Alexander Poirier award for cultural diplomacy Alexander Poirier

12. The Mark Latham award for selling out to the right Anthony Albanese

8. The Titanic award for being a bit leaky Jordan Anderson

13. The Donald Trump award for gracious victory Harrison Brennan

9. The Leon Trotsky award for being disappeared Christine Lai

14. The Joseph Stalin award for a relatively unknown man becoming General Secretary Daniel O’Shea

10. The polar ice caps award for receding Bryson Constable’s hairline 11. The Roman Empire award for gradual decline Grassroots

15. The Gabby Stricker-Phelps award for most useless undergraduate senate rep.

Ben Jorgensen

7

QUIZ 17

16. The Ben Roberts-Smith award for litigiousness Onor Nottle 17. The Gautam Adani award for opening coal mines Tanya Plibersek 18. The Muammar Gaddafi award for winning uncontested Flirt for Honi 19. The Freya Leach award for making tik toks instead of doing law. @jahankalantarofficial

THE STUMPER 20. The Joseph McCarthy Award for stamping out commies SHAKE for Honi

Feeling sexy? Well you shouldn’t be. People are far too occupied with sex these days. They should focus on things that matter like tax, money, and other important things. With Jupiter, Saturn and Nepture in retrograde, read on to hear what the planets have in store.

ARIES MAR 21 – APR 20

CANCER JUN 23 – JUL 23

LIBRA SEP 24 – OCT 23

CAPRICORN DEC 22 – JAN 20

It’s the season to stop complaining that your debt is fucking you in the ass. Lube it up with some extra hours at work and not a runny avocado toast from your local cafe.

Money comes to those who work for it, not holding terrible posters at debt cancellation rallies.

Shaking booty is no good because best business deals are made with shaking hands. Would you like it if that deal with KPMG started if you shook their marketing manager’s hand flimsily? Certainly not. Get all those five fingers wrapped with a confident eye contact and get those shares flowing.

What does the air feel like right now? It’s getting warmer every day but it’s not global warming.

Venus is angry at the moment and it’s showing in your charts, so stay in and cool down with that aircon on blast.

TAURUS APR 21 – MAY 21

LEO JUL 24 – AUG 23

Fitting in is not worth it. Ask yourself, would you like to be regurgitating the same old shit about the cost of living crisis while sipping on your oat latte and stomping your Doc Martens?

Create your own style and risk it.

People will get offended when you ask them to pick up a side hustle to fund their travel but stand by.

Is she making you go crazy and crying about everything that upsets her? It’s time for you to dump her ass. The Tiger in you cannot roar if there’s a cat holding you down, so grow your army. Emotions are nothing in the realm of reclimaing your power, roar!

LuluLemon’s flash sale is on, so book in that reformer pilates class and get your gains coming.

Grab that Stanley cup, marry a soldier and strengthen up that pelvic floor - it’s only a matter of time until you start pumping out babies.

GEMINI MAY 22 – JUN 22 Gwyneth Paltrow’s pussy candle created a revolution. Which body part of yours can do that? Mercury is hot and so are your armpits.

Use this to create an aura that invigorates you and sets your productivity on fire. This piece is the perfect time to be dripping on salty, salty sweat and get that grind going.

VIRGO AUG 24 – SEP 23 Your sex life is interesting because your female partner might want you to go down on her. Do not give in to that, eating rotten fish on a pleasurable night isn’t for you. You might be almost giving in, moaning wolf, but trust the power of your stars to control your sexual prowess. There’s no time to engage in sexual pleasure for more than 8-minutes.

SCORPIO OCT 24 – NOV 22 We all are being displaced right now and are refugees. Being a refugee is a Universal experience and any time you’re out of your house, you’re a refugee. Too much ice in your iced coffee?

The struggles feels like a refugee experience. Keep smiling through all of it and voice your opinion as it matters. You matter.

AQUARIUS JAN 21 – FEB 19

SAGITTARIUS NOV 23 – DEC 21

PISCES FEB 20 – MAR 20

Some of the wrongs of your past might resurface this week, pushing you into the deeps of cancel culture. People might try to force you into an apology but don’t give ito that as your integrity matters! We all have little slip ups at time offending women, ethnics, children, the unions, what not.

There’s a child in us that needs to be saved.

There’s a story everywhere.

Rafiullah from Kebab shop talks about his burnt house in Kazakhstan, Uma from Sri Lanka works four jobs to feed her kids and Ngombe from Somalia thinks about revolution as he looks at your red Porsche. These conversations spark something in you to drive that Porsche all the way to Alice Springs and share the misery of people there on your Instagram, let your empathy flow.

Uranus will be relaxing, my friend.

Keep an eye out on where your resources belong. That granny flat that your liberal friend calls mouldy and creaky might be your opportunity to establish a strong residential investment, even if you can hardly breathe in there!

23

18 OBITUARIES

The Daily Telegaph | Wednesday November 15, 2023

mytributes .com.au

Helping tired student journalists say goodbye.

Ansari, Misbah Sometimes I find myself without a lot of hope, feeling perenially confused and at the estranged nature of things. Honi sailed me through a lot of feeling. Mary Oliver, in Love Sorrow, reassures us to “have patience in abundance.” This year was an abundance of laughter, editing blitzes, journalistic questions and a reconsideration of what matters in the broader spectrum of political understanding.

It’s easy to criticise what is wrong with the current media landscape and what it misrepresents, but it takes more power to decide what stories actually matter. Honi has been abundant with the joy of stories. We’ve grown through grief, disagreements and lows of our learning. Were we a pain in the ass throughout the time? Absolutely?

Would we do it again? In a heart beat.

Honi soit qui mal y pense stands for “shamed be whoever thinks ill of it.” I do think it’s shameful to consider this paper as evil and even more shameful to consider evil of people I had the privilege of editing with. Only on and upwards from now and for eternity itself.

Butler, Katarina Honi Soit was the first friend I had at uni. As a clueless first year, I would pick up the paper during my lonely days in Fisher Library, rewarding myself during study breaks with the articles hidden inside. I remember being shocked that students had such radical ideas, and were able to share them across campus, in print, for free. I knew that every week, I was picking up something special.

As luck would have it, I now have more friends - nine of which I have shared endless laughter, tears and frustration with. Some days this job feels very difficult, but my fellow editors make it easier.

Most of all, editing Honi has been a privilege. My ideas have been validated by the team, and I have been given the power and resources to tell some really important stories. I’m so proud of everything we have achieved this year, trapped underground in the SRC offices. All I can say is thank you: to my family, to Nikki, to the other editors, and to you, for reading this campus rag.

Cass, Luke As tickets our ticket was forming in early 2022, I told myself that if I became an Honi editor, I would have a permanent smile on my face for the year.

Editing Honi is such a privilege.

What you write and publish gets put to print every week, and has a large audience online. That itself is a unique opportunity. But the value of an audience is not the audience itself, it is the chance to produce things that matter: articles which tell stories the mainstream does not and which create momentum for change. It is also a privilege to be entrusted by reporters with their ideas, and their hard work. For 22

this to all happen within an institution as formidable a history as Honi Soit, makes it all the more valuable.

Inevitably, I have not carried that perpetual smile all year. It turns out editing a weekly newspaper is much more difficult than it would seem.

But I think that gratitude for what Honi is, and can be, is the most important attribute of an editor. It is the motivation to do the work which you could perhaps get away with not doing. It is the motivation to eschew puff-pieces and click-grabbing stories in favour of more politically substantial articles.

If you want to be an Honi editor, if you really want to, don’t worry, you’ll be great.

Chakraborty, Bipasha A year ago, if you told me I’d have gained a new family, I would have never believed you. From people I was terrified of being around, to people I need to be around every day. This paper and this team have irreversibly changed me, in good and bad ways. From nights filled with atomic farts and lack of sleep, to central park dinners and 3am bike rides home, I’ll miss it all.

A year of editing Honi Soit has shown me the immense power it holds in the world to shape and inform. A year of editing Honi Soit has shown me the value and intricacies of its ecosystem, from artists, to writers, to our publishing managers Amanda and Mickie. It’s terrifying and exhilarating to be able to work on keeping Honi alive, keeping radical left-wing work alive, and keeping student journalism alive.

Thank you Isa for pushing me to run for Honi. I could not have done it without you. For you I continue to be creative, and push myself to do better in every work I create. I can’t wait to see you soon again one day.

To more farting around each other.

Floyd, Ethan You’d think there would be some sense of catharsis that comes with the inevitability of our term coming to an end. To be an editor of Honi Soit is a finite privilege, and we are reminded all the time that our days at the helm of this humble campus rag are numbered. However, in the twilight of our editorship, I’ve been met with a profound ellipsis of disbelief. So, what is it about the experience of editing Honi that denies the expected feeling of closure? Though it feels as if I’m being dragged away, kicking and screaming, what I’m really feeling is a heaviness — of all we have achieved, and also all that we couldn’t. The anathema which seems to plague former editors is that Honi will always be an unfinished product. There is always more to be done. Yet, at its heart, I hope my editorship has been an ode to Country.

And to all those who resist the colonial legacies underpinned by so-called Australia.

Dyiramadilinya badhu Wiradjuri. I am proud to be Wiradjuri.

42 37 42

ourtributestothispaper.com.au Lenard, Veronica Honi is magic. I believed this before this year and I still believe it now. It’s been an honour to help students share what they care about. To watch them design a better world for us all. There is a power in caring, and caring a lot.

There are times when it’s easy to become disillusioned with it all.

Editing a weekly newspaper is hard.

Sometimes it feels like screaming into the void. Every time I see someone pick a copy, or see a rolled up Honi poke out of a tote bag, or hear someone mention an article they’ve enjoyed, my faith is restored, little by little. Thank you to everyone who joins in on our shared dream.

To my fellow editors, knowing you has fundamentally changed me.

Sometimes I think about the person I was a year and a half ago, how little she knew how much would change when she responded to that one line message asking if she wanted to join an Honi ticket, but how glad she is that she said yes. I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you.

To the rest of my family and friends, I love you and thank you for listening to me talk about this all year. I promise to find new material now.

Mesterovic, Luke Honi editors love to bang on about how Honi is the only weekly student newspaper in Australia. It’s become a tired trope, but for me it highlights the immense privilege to not only have access to Honi, but to edit it. To be able to lay up a paper every week that covers local activism, theatre, campus and investigative pieces, a paper that people rely on for news, puzzles and more is a surreal experience. I will always treasure it.

To my fellow editors, I love you. From the nerf gun fights in the hallway to the atomic farts that clear out the room, you have become a family to me. To my non-Honi (actual) family and friends, I love you. You are the real ones, the conscripts, who have put up with me being exhausted all the time and never having free Sundays. Honi exists because of the people who support it.

Thank you for supporting it. I hope it never dies.

Murphy, Eamonn There is a little blue box in my bedroom.

Inside it, you will find every single edition of Honi from my first year at university.

None are pristine. All have been read, back to front and back again, and I would be a far lesser person without them.

I am so grateful to have been a part of 26 or so editions in that little blue box.

Editing Honi has been such an enormous privilege, and when I say that I’d do it all again, I do mean it — I have learned the power of our reporting, the changes that we make, and the joy of editing with a team of my closest friends.

As I write this, I think of how I smile

when I spot someone on campus with a copy on their lap, how I stop myself when I spot one of our totes on the bus.

I think of my reporters and the care they showed in their words. Also, and importantly, I think of Laura: thank you for putting up with me.

Above all, though, I think of Shake. As my mum has said, you are my second family, and I appreciate you more than I can articulate.

O’Keeffe-White, Caitlin Student journalism is a part of university culture that old bozos in management are intent on destroying. Maybe they weren’t hugged enough as a kid or something. (I luckily was. Thanks mum and dad, I love you). While management focus on profits and arbitrary KPIs, they let community, compassion and the core purpose of universities (that’s education mr scott) bleed out. Honi is a balm to this. There is a lot of work that goes on behind the scenes — students who write, people share their stories, artists who create breathtaking pieces, Mickie who delivers, editors who edit, friends who are largely confused by Honi but listen to all these people cry, and readers who pick up a copy on stands. This is community, and I feel so lucky to be a part of it.

Honi has become synonymous with home because of the nine deadset legends I have had the privilege to work alongside with. Thank you for the late nights, in impossibly small quarters, laughing and battling against InDesign.

There is nobody else I would’ve liked to do this with.

Long live student journalism, in all its bumbling, brash, shamelessness. May all the corporate bullshit die.

Park, Andy When writing the two editorials for my editor-in-chief editions this year, I remember reading through past editors and their editorials. They were sharp, often witty, and usually poetic. I felt a pressure to write in a way which was grand and memorable, and I tried to write a more down-to-earth goodbye but I’m struggling.

It is a common theme in editorials, that editors reflect on how Honi is a paradox. On one hand, it seems to mean the world but on the other it is simply a student newspaper. Thank you to everyone who has read this paper and kept it alive (whether you leave hate comments on Facebook or pick it up every week). Thank you to everyone who has contributed to this paper, and especially to my reporters.

Back in first year, Honi seemed like a world far away. Having been lucky enough to be on the other side, I’ve found that it is hectic, rather unglamorous, and truly amazing. In Shake, I have made nine lifelong friends, but I will miss this spark of a year I have shared with you all so dearly.

I joked a lot about how powerful we were at the start of our term, and I’d like to think we did some good with it this year.

SPORT 19

Wednesday November 15, 2023 | The Daily Telegaph

Scholarships slashed as socialist sympathies revealed A suite of student athletes on prestigious Elite Athelete scholarships have had their funds cut off by Sydney University Sports and Fitness (SUSF), on the urging of University management, after being found to have written or done art for the student rag

Honi Soit. The students were judged by the SUSF Board, dominated by rugby-union types and college associates, to have been disloyal to the University and the Australian nation.

Honi Soit is the only weekly student newspaper in Australia, producing a

low-quality tabloid-style paper from a left-wing perspective.

It is understood the suspensions were reprisal for Honi publishing a number of stories critical of the University, and the colleges.

The following students have had their scholarships suspended, and an ASIO file opened for good measure: Eloise Aiken Junaid Ali Jordan Anderson Sofia Angelini Lucy Bailey Hūhana Jade Barclay Marcus Barrie Simar Batra Victoria Bitter Shaheen Boaz Sarah Boreham Iggy Boyd Harrison Brennan Jamie Bridge Amber Broadbent Nicola Brayan Lachlan Buller Juliette Burgess coffeebean George Campbell Liset Campos Manrique Vieve Carnsew Ines Cheah Connor Chen Jean Chen Valerie Chidiac Juneau Choo Maddie Clark Josh Clay Taylah Cooper Maya Costa Eliza Crossley Pia Curran Alexandra Dent Mia Di Mento Eleanor Douglas Ishbel Dunsmore James Dwyer Eren Ekmen Gian Ellis-Gannell Victoria Elder Aidan Elwig Pollock Calvin Embleton Christopher Finnegan Hazel Finney Michele Forti Simona Francis Isabella Freeland Harry Gay Bella Gerardi Lachlan Griffiths Lisa Gronich Vedang Goyal René Hà Ariana Haghighi Gus Heesh Robert Hoang

Daniel Holland Bella Hope-Parsons Maeve Hopper Mehnaaz Hossain Gemma Hudson Katie Hunter Marlow Hurst Long Huynh Claire Hwang Ana Isaacs Serena Izmirlian Ting Jen Kuo Zoie Jin Cassie Johns Yasmine Johnson Valerie Joy Sandra Kallarakkal Anthony-James Kanaan Lucas Kao Ondine Karpinellison Estella Kennedy Lily Kitteringham Audhora Khalid Ramla Khalid Zeina Khochaiche Jeffrey Khoo Jessie Kristo Katarina Kuo Hanna Kwan Lizzy Kwok Jun Kwoun Charlie Lancaster Lauren Lancaster Christine Lai Elliot Lawry Zoe Le Marinel Josephine Lee Justin Leong Annabel Li Mali Lung Lauren MacColl Simone Maddison Suhaila Mahafza Rajanikhil Malaramuthan Celine Marshall Angus McFadden Angus McGregor Benjamin McGrory Ethan Mehta Mariika Mehigan Mae Milne Gracie Mitchell Rose Mitchell Harsha Neel Freja Newman Luna Ng Jayden Nguyen

Tung Nguyen Vu Tru Hannah Nicholas Emily O’Brien Shania O’Brien Nicolas Osiowy Sandy Ou Jordan Park Lia Perkins Tiger Perkins Nathan Phillis Elizabeth Pike Alexander Poirier Aidan Pollock Yasodara Puhule Emma Qi Nafeesa Rahman Amelia Raines Alana Ramshaw Evelyn Redfern Margot Roberts Ellie Robertson Brendan Ryan Imogen Sabey Jessica Sant Dani Saplad Jacklyn Scanlan Emily Scarlis Sophie Serafim Amna Sheikh Madhullikaa Singh Vanshika Singhgupta Gemma Lucy Smart Jo Staas Grace Street Hamani Tanginoa Montanna Teh Charlie Timms-McLean Sav Thill-Turke Ella Thomas Will Thorpe Angela Tran Khanh Tran Malavika Vijayakrishnan Cianna Walker Tom Wark Esther Whitehead James Wily William Winter Gabrielle Woodger Danial Yazdani Claudia York Ely Yu Kate Zhang Casey Zhu

Rugby Australia announces live wallaby to replace Eddie Jones as Wallabies coach Rugby Australia has announced that a live wallaby will replace the embattled Eddie Jones as coach of the Wallabies.

The wallaby, a chunky little bastard named Slugger, was chosen by the Rugby Australia board after they got drunk and broke into Taronga Zoo. Upon spotting Slugger, Joe Roff thought it’d be funny if they hired him to lead the Australian national team because “hey, how much worse could we do?”

The board members then climbed into the enclosure and kidnapped Slugger “for the sake of the country.”

Unfortunately, nobody kept an eye on Karen Penrose and Brett Godfrey, who accidentally climbed into the gorilla enclosure. They were tragically killed by Elvis, leader of his tribe. May they rest in peace.

Gamble responsibly.

In a presser the next day, Slugger outlined his plans for the team, saying “tst tst tst tst” at the mention of the current state of the Wallabies.

When asked how, if at all, the team would memorialise Penrose and Godfrey following their untimely demise, Slugger said “tst tst,” adding “tst tst tst” but not “tst.”

Penrose and Godfrey will have a joint funeral this Sunday. Elvis the gorilla has signalled that he will be in attendance.

23

20 TABFORM:P23

The Daily Telegaph | Wednesday November 15, 2023

SPORT Nathan Cleary (right) watches girlfriend (above) have a bit of a kick around.

I CAN SEE CLEARY NOW Nathan Cleary was spotted watching his new girlfriend have a little kick around with the girls at Optus Stadium. Nathan was coy, wearing a casual white tee shirt and adding a retro throwback with a pair of Ray Ban sunnies. His new flame scored

a goal. Her team won, 8 nil against the Philippines. Cleary was seen clapping and cheering, acting as a supportive boyfriend.

It comes off the back of an impressive season at Penrith Panthers that saw

Cleary kick 89 goals and score 8 tries. His papa and coach, Ivan Cleary, said “Nathan is a good boy, who is great at NRL. He loves his footy and his girls.”

FULL REPORT PAGE 56

IT’S GAME OVER FOR YOUR LOCAL LECTURER

POWERPOINT PUNCH OUT 24

Local university lecturer has hit rock bottom after his Thursday afternoon lecture had a measly three attendees, two of which joined via zoom. The student who witnessed the breakdown has provided exclusive comment to the Telegraph following the events.

“Once he realised he could use the arrow keys instead of the clicker, it was game over,” the anonymous source confided.

The University of Sydney was quick and heavy handed in their response.

“The University apologises to any students who were impacted by the event, and urges students to make use of CAPS in the wake of the event.

“We unreservedly apologise, and are in the process of arranging an alternate lecturer to cover the content. We assure students that the lecturer was underpaid anyways, and that he will not be receiving continued offers of employment in future semesters.”