Issuu on Google+

Swine from sweating?


How many games did Matt Maguire play for St Kilda?

3 4

Which player was selected immediately after him?


Who were the two goal scorers for Melbourne Victory against Perth Glory last weekend?


What colours was 2009 Melbourne Cup winning jockey Corey Brown winning?


Shocking won this year’s Melbourne cup, who finished last?

8 9

Who was the jockey on board the last placed horse?

How many thousand fans attended last weeks Derby Day at Flemington?

Which of Bart Cummings runners finished highest in this year’s Melbourne Cup? Which Fremantle player will miss half of next season following shoulder and wrist surgery? ANSWER: 1. 99 2. Pick 6 3. Joel Selwood 4. 108,000 5. Archie Thompson and


With what number was Mitch Thorpe selected by Hawthorn in the 2006 draft?

Sudoka scandal

EUGENE Varshavsky of Lawrenceville, N.J. might be the first guy ever busted for cheating in a Sudoku tournament. Sudoku-that silly little game where incomplete rows and columns of numbers each have the same sum-held a tournament in Philadelphia last weekend, Varshavsky, playing in a hooded sweatshirt, registered as a walk-on contestant, blazed through the second round in world-class time, but was unable to complete the easy first steps in the championship puzzle. Other competitors, including former winner Thomas Snyder, saw that pattern as a red flag. “The community of best solvers are very much friends and share solutions and strategies,” Snyder said. “Here was this new guy in a hoodie, acting mysterious and very, very confusing. Yet then, when he had to solve a problem on stage, under intense scrutiny, I saw he was in no way able to solve it.” Seriously, what kind of asshole do you have to be to cheat in sudoku? Varshavsky wound up placing third and taking home a $3000 prize. Stealing from nerds is so high-school!

ENGLISH Premier League stars were ordered to stop spitting amid fears of spreading swine flu. The Health Protection Agency have stepped in, trying to stop the infection being passed on. Three Blackburn players have had the virus including Chris Samba and David Dunn, while four unnamed Bolton stars are sick. A HPA spokesman insisted, “Spitting is disgusting at all times. It’s unhygienic and unhealthy, particularly if you spit close to other people.” “Footballers wouldn’t spit indoors - so they shouldn’t do it on the pitch.” “If they are spitting near other people it could certainly increase the risk of passing on infections. Spitting is a nasty habit that should be discouraged by the clubs. It’s about setting examples for young people who idolise them.” He added footballers should follow public guidelines by washing their hands, covering their mouth when sneezing and disposing of used tissues. The FA and Premier League said they were following guidance from health experts.

But Manchester City boss Mark Hughes believes most Premier League stars are capable of recovering from swine flu in a matter of days. Blackburn midfielder Dunn was well enough to appear as a sub against Peterborough last night. Hughes said, “At Premier League clubs there are a lot of young, fit, energetic guys. If they do get it, they are only laid low for a couple of days.”

Stokes flight scare STEVE Simonsen has relived the moment Stoke were caught in a desperate mid-air scare. Potters players, on the way home from the Carling Cup thrashing at Portsmouth last Tuesday, alerted cabin crew to a burning smell. The air-conditioning was switched off as a precaution, which made conditions unbearably hot inside the plane, and the pilot made an emergency landing at Gatwick. Fire crews waited to meet the jet when it touched down in West Sussex - fortunately, they were not needed. Simonsen, the keeper in the 4-0 defeat at Fratton Park, revealed the moment the Stoke party realised something was wrong, shortly after leaving Southampton Airport. He said, “What happened was just incredible. It was pretty eventful to say the least. “The flight conditions were perfect and everything was going smoothly until about 20 minutes in there was a strange smell coming through the plane - like a burning smell. “There was no smoke or flames, it wasn’t that dramatic, but the pilot followed the emergency procedure and took us to the nearest airport. “When you’re in that sort of situation you just want to get back down safely on the ground and, thankfully, that’s what we did. We weren’t bothered about where we ended up.

“We tried to laugh it all off and there weren’t too many worried people around. There were a few lads that had their parachutes ready!” “Things don’t always go to plan and bad things can happen - but everybody was home and safe and we live to fight another day.” The players were originally

told the 50-seater plane would be checked over in the hope the journey back to the Potteries could continue. Some talked about jumping into a fleet of taxis but the airline company, Air Southwest, eventually provided a coach for the 30 passengers. Manager Tony Pulis was not on the flight he lives down the coast from Portsmouth in Bournemouth and yesterday was a day off. But assistant Peter Reid was aboard, along with a lot of the fringe players. The coach then had to drive to East Midlands Airport to link up with the team bus, which meant the players finally arrived back at the Britannia Stadium at 6.00am yesterday. Simonsen added, “The match brought us down to earth with a pretty nasty bump. After that, it was just mad.” Air Southwest are conducting an investigation into what went wrong.

Carlos Hernandez 6. Black and Orange 7. Warringah 8. Damien Oliver 9. Viewed (7th) 10. Steven Dodd

Murray still loves Andre... ANDY Murray said he would not judge his idol Andre Agassi for revelations that he lied to avoid a drugs ban in the 90s. World No 4 Murray said, “I loved Andre and he was unbelievably nice to me.” He added, “I judge him as a tennis player and he was a great player, one of the best of all time.” “No one wants drugs in sport but everyone makes mistakes.”

2 – HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009

Spicing up the Games

Leon’s 2010 calendar

Swimsuit Explorers Edition

HERE’S the 2009 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Explorers Edition featuring Bar Refaeli, Brooklyn Decker and a bunch of other models whose names I’ll eventually learn once they bang Leonardo DiCaprio.

THE Spice Girls are being tipped to re-form to help kick off the start of the 2012 Olympics in London. The flamboyant British girl group, which split in 2000, have been in talks with their former manager Simon Fuller about performing at the opening ceremony of the Games. “They stand for so much in British music history and I can’t think of a better time for them to get back together for another performance,” he told the Sunday Mirror newspaper. “The demand for them as a band is as strong as ever.” Fuller also hinted that the girls, Victoria Beckham, Melanie Brown, Emma Bunton, Melanie Chisholm and Geri Halliwell, could embark on a farewell tour about the time of the Olympics. “They will not want to be performing hits like Wannabe in their 40s, but it’s amazing how often people talk about another reunion,” he said. “And I think if they do it, it’s going to be in 2012.” The Spice Girls, who released their debut single Wannabe in 1996, disbanded two years after Halliwell suddenly quit. They re-formed in late 2007 for a world tour and released a greatest hits album.

What does these pics have to do with sport you may ask? Well being Sports Illustrated, I thought that would be a good enough reason to post these pics.

Woman ‘offered sex for World Series tickets’ A US woman charged with offering sex for World Series tickets on the Craigslist website says she did nothing wrong and still hopes to make the game. Susan Finkelstein, 43, was arrested after meeting an undercover police officer responding to the advertisement in a bar, reports the Daily Telegraph. “I didn’t do anything wrong, so I’m not embarrassed about my actions. I’m embarrassed about how I was arrested,” she said. The University of Pennsylvania graduate said she had wanted to take her husband to a baseball game between her beloved Philadelphia Phillies and the New York Yankees. The self-described “buxom blonde” said she

was simply trying to score tickets online, as she had in the past. Ms Finkelstein told WPVI-TV, “I was hoping to get cheap tickets, maybe meet someone, and talk, and bat my eyelashes and maybe get some tickets.” Her lawyer William J Brennan said his client was merely “a nice lady overcome with Phillies fever”. She might have dropped double entendres in her Craigslist advertisement but never explicitly offered sex, he added. Mr Brennan hopes to get the misdemeanour charge of promoting prostitution dismissed. “If somebody read into that posting a sexual connotation, that’s on them. There’s no overt sexual reference,” he said. HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009 –


4 – HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009

Porn Stars At Home Studio: Vivid Genre: Letterboxed, Straight Director: Chuck Lords Stars: Hanna Hilton, Riley Evans, Jaelyn Fox, Crista Moore, Asa Akira, Beverley Hills, Caydenn Moore, James Deen Run Time: 1hr 53minutes Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Selection, Behind The Scenes, Positions Room, Bonus Scene, Slide Show PORN stars are just like everyone else. Take Hanna Hilton for example. She’s just a girl who wants to find a place to stay when she’s in town to shoot porn. It should be easy right? It turns out it’s harder than you would thing. First Hanna gets sent to the Moore’s house. These sexy sisters fight over everything and when Hanna gets in on some four-way love they give her the boot. Next she ends up in the middle of a porn power struggle between Alex and Mikey. With some help from Beverly she works her big boobs into the four-way fun. Asa Akira and Jaelyn Fox then share an incredible three-way, which Hanna gets in on as well. Finally Hanna finished up with a three-way scene with Riley

Evans. Overall Pornstars at Home has some great moments including some anal action, but is flawed in many ways. Some of the scenes feel really choppy and although Hanna looks great, it just doesn’t seem that she is really working in this film. We’ve seen her hotter, but even on her worst day, Hanna is still hot and really has great tits. In addition the bonus scenes also get a thumbs up with the behind the scenes section really enjoyable but then again isn’t anything related to porn enojoyable? VERDICT:

Cornfed Naturals

Kamasutra Sweet Sensations Strawberry Flavored Body Treats

FEELING a little romantic? Well have I got the perfect gift set. The bedroom is not all about hard sex and toys. Every so often we need to let our partners know that we love them. A perfect way to do this is with a Kamasutra Sweet Strawberry Sensations gift pack. The pack includes a strawberry soufflé for massage, strawberry oil of love that you apply all over her body, once you have applied you must blow on her gently (I like that part). You also get strawberry dreams honey dust and a feather to dust her body down, then you are to lick

it off (be sure to put plenty around her pussy as I did). I added a few scented candles to the bedroom to enhance the love. The Mrs was that impressed she wanted to put strawberry dust all over me too. “Put lots around my penis dear”, I said. This is a great product especially if you need to put some love back in your relationship. Always practice safe sex. VERDICT:

Studio: Cezar Capone Category: Gonzo Genre: Straight, Big Boobs Stars: Britney Stevens, Natasha Nice, Allie Foster, Kitty Bella, Sierra Skye, Sergio, Peter Delmar, Levi Cash Run Time: 2hrs 54minutes Number Of Discs: 1 Bonus Features: Interactive Menus, Chapter Selection

ARE you looking for big, round, juicy melons? I’m talking about real melons, filled with nothing but all natural goodness, not plastic fakes. Well if so then Cornfed Naturals is definitely the film for you. This film is 100% genuine with no fake tits in sight. While plastic tits may look great, they just don’t feel the same. Real, big tits feel great and just command to be squeezed, sucked, tweaked f#ckedand covered in cum. Most importantly, all the girls know exactly how to use their assets, so well that I’m willing to bet a fair amount of cash on the fact that none of these girls have ever received a parking fine or been denied access to a trendy nightclub.

Some of the girls (especially the girl in the final scene) are a little on the larger side, however that is to be expected when dealing with big boobed girls. Unfortunately the bonus sections aren’t anything to rave on about, in fact it’s fair to say that there really aren’t any bonus features. The only extra features are some trailers and a photo gallery. No storyline to speak of and the acting is really, really poor but overall fans of girls with massive, succulent, real tits will be impressed by this film. VERDICT:

HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009 –


6 – HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009

H e a r t b a l m


L E T T E R S ♥


Heartbalm writes: Time is running out for you. Before she puts you strictly in the friends category, you must discuss your feelings for her. It may be the best choice you ever make or it could leave you feeling somewhat uncomfortable living in the same house. It’s your call.

A little too wild

Buttering her buns

Heartbalm Writes: Everyone likes different things in the bedroom. You shouldn’t force him into anything, however perhaps you just haven’t found the right food for him. Keep experimenting and I’m sure you will find something he likes.

How was I to know? Mr RG is 33 is depressed after finding out that his wife is a lesbian. He writes: I was married for four years and while it

started off great, it certainly didn’t end great because you see, my wife ended up being a lesbian. I know it sound really bad on my behalf but seriously how was I to know? After all she herself didn’t know she was a lesbian until a few years into our marriage. It all started when I encouraged her to get out more and meet some new friends as she didn’t have many friends besides mine. She finally met a girl at the gym which I thought was all good but as I was to soon find out, it wasn’t. She started spending more and more time with this

H e a r t b a l m

girl, going to movies and dinners and then going away for the weekends with her. One night she came home, sat me down and told me everything. She said that she was going through a big change in her life and just wasn’t attracted to guys anymore. She was in love with her female friend and wanted to be with her and only her. We divorced and while I’m trying to move on with my life, I’m just sick of being reminded that my ex-wife is now a lesbian.


L E T T E R S ♥

Ms SK is 22 and enjoys having her body covered in food when in the bedroom. She writes: I love food and I love sex so my theory is that I should always try and make myself happy so therefore, I often mix my two loves. I’ve used just about everything in the bedroom ranging from fruits such as mangos, strawberries and bananas to whipped cream, cucumbers, chocolate, honey, maple syrup, hot tea and cold ice. My current boyfriend sadly doesn’t enjoy using edible props in the bedroom. What can I do to convince him to lighten up and enjoy life?

Mr CN is 24 and is sporting a broken nose after a girl got a little too carried away I the sack. He writes: I got hold of a really wild girl last Saturday night after Derby Day. This girl was primed and ready to party from the moment we met near the betting ring. After god knows how many drinks, we decided to head back to her house we we rid ourselves of our clothes and got it on. She was awesome going right off and riding me like no girl has ever ridden me before. She swore, talked extremely dirty but then she went one step too far. Just as she was about to cum, she screamed at the top of her voice and punched me smack bang in the middle of my nose. The bitch connected perfectly and left me bleeding and in pain. At first she just laughed but then she felt really bad after knowing she really hurt me. I left her house and the next day I had to go to hospital. Despite sending me to hospital, I just can’t get this girl out of my head as she was simply the best root I’ve ever had.


H e a r t b a l m

Heartbalm Writes: That must have really sucked. First of all good on you for moving on with your life and secondly, just tell people that if she didn’t know she was a lesbian then how the hell were you expected to know?

H e a r t b a l m

Mr TD is 27 and thinks he is falling for his female roommate. He writes: My roommate moved out two months ago, he was a cool guy and I was genuinely sad to see him leave. Anyway when he left things got better as a new roommate moved in and my roommate just happens to be a girl, a really hot girl. At first I was just infatuated with her looks but over the past few weeks, I feel as though I am starting to really fall for this girl. The two of us get along really well, she cooks, she’s funny, she loves sport, likes the same friends as me and she even has a great bunch of friends. I just can’t believe how good the two of us get on. In fact we even cuddle in front of the TV at night sometimes. Anyway here is my problem, I really, really like this girl and would love for something to happen between us, however I’m not sure if she looks at me that way. I think she may see me as more of a friend. What should I do?

L E T T E R S ♥

I love my roommate

Heartbalm Writes: Angry animalistic sex can be a great thing. Enjoy it while you can but just make sure you don’t cop tpp many more injuries.

L E T T E R S ♥

HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009 –


★ G A Z I N G AT T H E S TA R S , T I T S , G L I T Z , ★ I’m so  sorry! SO Amy Winehouse got some new breast implants. And now she’s showing them off. But she’s still fucking crazy, so, in what is probably the most predictable outcome, we’ve got this Amy Winehouse nipple slip picture. Sorry. And if you really love seeing the mangled, disformed nipples of a crack-addicted, toothless troll, there’s a whole lot more Amy Winehouse nipple slip pictures posted on the net but I just can’t understand why you would look for them.

 Katy lets

them loose WE ALL know Katy Perry loves to show off her tits. And why shouldn’t she, they’re spectacular. Of course, we also know that she likes to pretend that she doesn’t like to show off her tits. That’s why she’s annoying. Katy. Your breasts are great. You don’t have to pretend. You can show them off. We won’t mind.

She does  suck... VIKKI Blows topless in Loaded magazine, and even though they’re joking about the whole “Vikki Blows sucks” thing, and it’s actually a little clever, let us never become complacent, and always remember that Vikki Blows topless pictures are the greatest things ever in the histroy of the Universe. Of course, in some contexts, Vikki blowing and sucking would be even better.

Looking damn fine THERE has been plenty of publicity lately over the health of Aussie model Miranda Kerr, however as this picture from Victoria’s Secret proves, she is looking damn fine.

8 – HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009

Dannii explains why

Have you Heard?

DANNII Minogue has revealed she posed naked for Australian Playboy to pay off debts when her marriage fell apart. The Australian singer and TV star told British network ITV she owed $300,000 and could not even afford to pay her rent when she split with actor Julian McMahon in 1995. Minogue said she wanted to avoid asking her famous sister Kylie for money at all costs. “Kylie knew why I was doing it ... I could have asked her for the money, but it wasn’t in my nature,” she said. Minogue, 38, said she went ahead with raunchy shoot despite her parents advising her against it. “My parents didn’t want me to do it ... my dad was saying, ‘doing this is forever - you can never, ever change it’,” she said. Minogue would not reveal how much the men’s magazine paid her to strip for the shoot, but said she had no regrets. “I don’t regret it, but I feel relieved that people know why I did it - it’s a huge weight off my shoulders,” she said. “It was actually fun and I did feel liberated ... I looked at the pictures and thought, ‘I look all right!’”

HERE’S Amber Heard in FHM. Amber is a hot young blonde who has starred in a few small films. Never Back Down was pretty cool but since then she has gone on to bigger and better things by appearing naked on film. What a great girl!

Still a pretty woman JULIA Roberts went swimming with Javier Bardem while filming scenes in Bali for Eat, Pray, Love. According to IMDB: While trying to get pregnant, a happily married woman realizes her life needs to go in a different direction, and after a painful divorce, she takes off on a round-the-world journey. Sounds a bit out there doesn’t it? Well who cares, the girl still has it, despite age catching up with her, not that you would notice.

I see a nipple RUSSIAN supermodel Natalia Vodianova flashes some boob in the November issue of V because, as everyone knows, it’s really not art unless someone gets an awkward erection

at work and accidentally knocks over the coffeepot in the lounge with it.


 What’s her secret Here’s 23-year-old Russian supermodel Irina Sheik posing for Victoria’s Secret in St. Barth’s. What do you have to

do to be a Victoria’s Secret photographer? I mean seriously, how lucky do you have to be?

HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009 –


Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.


One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. When she asked him why, he said, “I want to ask you something, but I don’t want to offend you.” She said, “You can’t offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything.” The cab driver then said, “Well,

I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job.” She said, “Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic.” Immediately the cab driver said, “Oh, yes! I’m single and I’m Catholic!” The nun said, “Okay, pull into that alley.” The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, “My child, what’s the matter?” He said tearfully, “Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I’m married and I’m Jewish!” The nun replied, “That’s okay. My name’s Bruce and I’m on my way to a costume party!”

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very

disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, “I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?” He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. And her father is a doctor. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, “What is this wonderful girl’s name?” He answers, “Monica Lewinsky.” There is a pause, then his mother asks, “What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?”

A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him “Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?” The other guy says, “Well, it just happened. It was a tongue- twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there, so instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said, ‘I’d like to pickets to Tittsburgh’ ..... so she smacked me one.” The first guy replied, “Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of cornflakes darling’, but I accidentally said ‘You’ve ruined my life you evil, fat bitch’.”

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees. Mr. Smith was looking over his

Man cleared of kicking bucket A Polish man has finally cleared his name after an 18-month legal battle in which he was accused of kicking his neighbour’s bucket. Legal sources blasted the decision to prosecute Waldemar Wilk, 55, of Mikowice, for damaging a plastic bucket worth less than £3. Neighbour Alicja Tomankiewicz had claimed that Mr Wilk had kicked the bucket so hard it landed on a bush outside their block of flats. The case was referred to a municipal court, where he pleaded not guilty, claiming that Mrs Tomankiewicz was still using the allegedly damaged bucket. He even presented video evidence taken on his mobile phone - in court. The court called a video expert, who testified that it was impossible to date the mobile phone footage which could have been taken before Mr Wilk kicked the bucket. Legal wrangling held up the case and in April, Mr Wilk demanded an expert carry out an experiment to see whether a kick could damage a plastic bucket. Despite being found guilty after the expert’s evidence proved it could have been damaged with a kick, he launched an appeal. This week, much to Mr Wilk’s relief, his campaign for justice finally ended after a

10 – HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009

books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off and decided to fire the first one to take a break. So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.” Sarah says, “Can you jack off? I have a headache!”

Mike went to a drug store to buy condoms and was ser ved by a beautiful young woman, who asked what size he wanted? “I’m not sure,” said Mike, “What sizes do they come in?” She held up one finger and asked Mike if he was that big. Mike said, “I’m bigger than that.” Then she held up two fingers and asked Mike if he was that big. Again, Mike replied, “I’m bigger than that.” Then she held up three fingers and asked Mike if he was that big. Mike grinned and said, “Yep, I’m about that big.” The woman then put the three fingers in her mouth and said, “You’re a medium.”

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, ‘When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.’ The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, ‘I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.’ The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word. Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, ‘I want you to send her the word ‘comfortable.’ The operator shakes his head. ‘How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable?’ The brunette explains, ‘My sister’s blonde. The word is big. She’ll read it very slowly.... ‘comfor-da-bul.’

district court in Opole dropped the case. “It should never have even begun,” said the judge.

Man tries to smuggle 14 snakes and 10 lizards Customs officers in Norway were amazed to find 14 royal pythons and 10 albino leopard geckos taped to a man’s body. The 22-year-old Norwegian was stopped in a routine check by Kristiansand customs after arriving on a ferry from Denmark, the Faedrelandsvennen newspaper reported. After finding a tarantula in the man’s bag, customs officials decided to give him a full body search that revealed 14 stockings - one for each snake - taped around his torso. Reptile smuggling is not uncommon in Norway but Helge Breilid, the office manager at Kristiansand customs, said customs officers had been “horrified” by the case. “Customs officers quickly realised the man was smuggling animals, because his whole body was in constant motion,” Mr Breilid said. When the man dropped his pants, the officers found 10 cans taped to his legs, each containing a lizard, he said. The man is in police custody. The reptiles were handed over to a security firm

until Norwegian authorities decide what to do with them.

iPhone app can drive a car Researchers in Germany have come up with an iPhone app that allows motorists to drive a car using their mobile phone. The iDriver app converts the iPhone into a the real-life equivalent of a video game controller, capable of directing a two ton minivan, reports the Daily Telegraph. The app has separate buttons for accelerate and brake, along with a steering wheel that exploits the iPhone’s motionsensitive capabilities. Its instructions are sent to the speciallyrigged car over Wi-Fi, with the “driver” able to navigate from a distance with the help of live video stream from a camera on the roof. The app, which is not commercially available, is the brainchild of researchers from the artificial intelligence team at the Free University of Berlin.In test drives on a runway at the city’s Tempelhof Airport, the Spirit of Berlin car was filmed doing tight turns controlled by an iPhone-wielding researcher standing several feet away. The iDriver app was created by the Appirion firm, which specialises in software for mobile phones.

HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009 –







12 – HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009



9588 0743

What’s HOT in Melbourne


★ 9686 2626






★ ★ ★


★ ★


YOUNG STAFF DAYTIME SPECIAL Full service 20 min $85 Nude Relaxation from $70  h

9729 0688 2 The Nook Bayswater North (Off Canterbury Rd)

Ladies welcome Mel 50 H12

PCA 6710BE




Pacific Princess Totally Hot Sexy & Exotic Incalls/outcalls No SMS or Private Numbers Answered

0448 820 956 PCA 6038XE

HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009 –





Start 2009 in I N D U L G E I Nthe A F Amoney S C I N AT I N G E X P E R I E N C E

(02) 9906 2799

BROTHELS NAUGHTY TIMES (Nt Club) Girls & Trannies. 1309 North Rd., Huntingdale Ph: (03) 9544 4433 pca 5231b

Romantics From Monday 3rd August New Night Shift Price From 7pm Till Late

$115 per 1/2 hr

● Open 10am till very late 7 Days ● Best service in town ● Appointments welcome

9696 9199


Horny & Hung Hard & Fun


Faces ★ ★ New 34 Warner St ★ Huntingdale ★ ★ 9563 2982 ★ 10am till late ★ 7 days PCA 3671B ★

The Rose Relaxation

9305 3473 PCA 6072B


Lucy A Sexy Young Lady with a Size 6 Body. & Big Boobs Best Fun

Passionate Gorgeous Blonde

RICHARD Visiting Escort

24/7 0418 328 296 PCA 6928XE

10 Fulton St Oakleigh

9543 5901


9305 3473 BIG BOOBS

10 Fulton St Oakleigh

9543 5901 PCA 5531B

Melbourne’s Most Beautiful & exotic Huge selection Many Nationalities Friendly & Discreet


9696 4242 44 Gladstone St. South Melbourne PCA458BE


9696 2222 (minimum 4 weeks)

CALL JON 9620 1166



Older and Bolder Deliciously Wicked Ladies from 30 to 70+ years

9517 5335

OR $5.50 per min mob/PT extra

Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.

MALE TO MALE When You Want Great Sex Melbourne s Most Handsome & Willing Huge Selection Young or Masculine Friendly & Discreet

9696 4242 44 Gladstone St. South Melbourne PCA458BE

Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.



Exotic Young Busty

0430 475 555 PCA 6736XE

9305 3473


PCA 6072B

Flawless and Busty

9305 3473 PCA 6072B

P.C.A. 6261BE

Ph: 0450 102 741


Feminine, Size 6 Versatile, Passionate

PCA 6072B

The Rose Relaxation

$135 1/2 hr $175 3/4 hr $210 1hr

Trans AiLing


Sensual, Long Dark hair, Friendly, For Your Pleasure

Not the cheapest but a HOLE lot better to CUM!!!


Pca 818b




MALE TO MALE Blond, athletic handsome Private escort Enthusiastic, friendly, safe & discrete In your home / hotel

Mature, vivacious, private escort & dinner companion. Contact Kristen. City Based, Prompt Service. Mob: 0413 888 448 NO SMS pca 189XE


71 Colebrook St., Brunswick Ph: 9386 0206




PCA 5531B


Mata, Michelle, Emma, Myer, Monica, Linzy, Julie, Helen


Im age s Sydney Earn $140 per hour


PCA 6059XE



PCA 5109BE


Charley Young Busty Blonde

9305 3473 PCA 6072B



Jane, Claire, Jody, Mia, Zoe, Nina, Christina, Analise, Annie, Willow

03 9417 6004 59 Rupert Street Collingwood Present this ad $10 Discount


9696 2222

★Rosi★ Petite Gorgeous

9305 3473 ★

★ ★ ★PCA 6072B ★ ★ ★ EASTERN ★ FAR ★ RELAXATION ★ ALL NEW 77 Racecourse Road North Melbourne Services from $65

9326 8388

PCA 6143B

PCA 6144B

Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.

See your

★★★★★★★★★★★★ Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.

ad on the

Web at 14 – HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009


Don’t be shy... Come & discover the sexual sorcery of BDSM & fetish. We can show you how... Fetish House offers everything from the wildly bizarre to the gentlest erotic tease right through to straight sex. Dare yourself to be different & come & see what we have to offer! You might learn a thing or two to spice up your love life like never before..... You can relax & feel totally at ease in these private sessions in an atmosphere that is warm, friendly, hygienic and, most importantly, discreet. Fetish House is a custom-designed & custom-built fetish & fantasy venue. ★ 6 fully-equipped, spacious fetish/fantasy rooms & dungeons ★ Private, non-visible, undercover internal carparking offers the ultimate in discretion & safety ★ Clean, hygienic, fully air-conditioned/heated, full wheel-chair access & disabled facilities

DROP IN AND SEE OUR FRIENDLY STAFF THEY WILL LOOK AFTER YOU AT ★ Dandenong’s Finest Brothel ★ Dandenong’s Best Prices ★ Offering The Best Service

Fetish, Fantasy, Erotic BDSM & Sex

*** $50 ROOM HIRE *** WE OFFER PRIVATE & DISCREET FANTASY ROOM OR DUNGEON HIRE AT ONLY $50 PER HOUR. This is a fantastic deal for anyone who would like to have an intimate liaison in a safe, clean, warm, discreet, no-hassle, no questions asked & friendly environment.

Open 11am till late weekdays & weekends midday - late arvo.

Ph: (03)

9544 8384



★Fetish House★

BLACK OPAL 9792 3008



Open for Inspection 10 am-4 am 7 Days

Correction Centre Melbourne’s Leading Fetish & Fantasies Establishment est. 1995

Specialising in The Creative Artform of Bondage & Discipline 11am Till Late

Submissive formerly of Oakliegh is now at new premises in Huntingdale special rates for previous and new clients

696 2222


0409 590 048 PCA 6664XE

(minimum 4 weeks)

CALL JON 9620 1166


PCA 3850BE



Ph: 03 9419 8347

20 St. David St., Fitzroy



Mistress Lola

Watch tall, slender stunning 22 y.o. APPRENTICE MISTRESS seductively & sensually humiliate & torture her slave until he can take no more


SHOECRAFT Fetish, Glamour, X-Dressing All Sizes & Styles & Colours Come & See Our Range


(NON-SEXUAL) private/discreet, appt. only PH:

0451 023 112

Catalogues Available Industry Discount

Discontinued & 1 off styles 50-70% Off Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.


Some pre-loved stock available

Never Have Money Problems Again

GEELONG GENTLEMEN'S CLUB ★ Full training & Pole dancing lessons by friendly management Huge $$. ★ Great facilities ★ Free accommodation Enjoy a lovely weekend in Geelong & have lunch on the waterfront or a nice drive down the coast during the day. ★ Only a 45 min drive or 1hr by train.

It’s a Paid Holiday

Ph: (03) 52218439

See your ad ♥


PCA 6168XE

★★★★★★★★★ ★★★★★★★★★ ★★★★★★★★★ ★ ★ ★Mistress/ ★★★★★★ ★★★★★★★★★ ★ ★ ★Submissive ★★★★★★ Switch/ ★★★★ ★★★★★ Role ★ ★ ★ ★ ★play ★★★★ ★ ★Fetish ★ ★&★Fantasy ★★★★ ★★ ★★★ ★★★★ Clayton, Huntigdale ★ ★S. ★E. ★Suburbs ★★★★★ ★ ★ ★Peninsula ★★★★★★ 0409 590 166 ★★ ★PCA ★★ ★★ ★★ 6664XE ★★★★★ ★★★★ ★★★★★★★★★


Dancers required by

9510 9993

PH: 0403 848 147 Advertisements are accepted on the understanding the advertiser indemnifies Heartbalm from all claims arising therefrom.

the chambers of sensual elegance ♥

on the

Web at

Mistress Fusion

182 Rose St Fitzroy Melbourne Mon to Fri 11am to 11pm & Sat 2pm to 7pm

HEARTBALM, N0VEMBER 5-11, 2009 –


Horny ORIENTAL Girls ANGELS 15 George St Blackburn Get into the action with me

Call Now:

1902 213 207 $4.95 min (inc GST) Higher from Pay/Mob

Young Beautiful Girls Everyday NEW GIRLS AVAILABLE Special from


10am – Late


9877 3123 Mel 48 A9 PCA 6374B

Heartbalm 5-11 November 2009