ZOMBIE ANATOMY

If you find yourself in the middle of a horrifying zombie apocalypse (perhaps you are waking out of a coma), here’s a few tips on zombie anatomy and basic survival tips that will see you move from merely surviving to thriving. My first bit of advice is- look for an underground bunker. There has got to be some cosy ones built by doomsday preppers with heavy stocks of canned goods, water purification systems, hydroponics, probably a good wine cellar, dvd players, etc. that are far enough underground that the walking undead can’t even smell you, let alone be able to dig, and then it’s a lovely little place for you to put your feet up and weather the zombie apocalypse quite comfortably… sorry, I digress. In case you haven’t found a good bunker or a decent place to hole up above ground that isn’t a farm (Looking at you Walking Dead Season 2), here’s some good suggestions… In our analysis, we are trying to stick with the traditional Romerolike zombies, and not the fast-paced sprinting dead you may see in the Snyder version, or the T1000s of Zombieland. For a bit of pseudoscientific food for thought, we will tackle some aspects of your decomposing undead such as the brain, body and deal out a few handy pointers.

The main rule here is: “Kill the brain, kill the ghoul:”. First iterated by the Survival Command centre in Night of the Living Dead, this logic has been part of zombie lore ever since. And similar advice can be found in Dawn of the Dead, or Shaun of the Dead, where a television news reporter calmly advises people to do the same thing, reiterating to our humble viewer to either shoot the brain or strike a heavy blow to the skull. Failure to do so, will just see a waste of ammunition and energy, as the undead can still weather a hail of bullets and other blows to their body and continue to come lurching at you, teeth bared with wide appetites. And like they advise in Zombieland, make sure you double tap. Don’t worry about conserving bullets or energy, strike twice if you’re not sure.

The zombie brain is a little different to that of the living- in that certain parts of their brain have either been made numb or neutralised completely. For example- the entire frontal lobe or cerebrum is non-functional (see image above). This contains components that are essential to a human being, such as reasoning, planning, memories and sensory integration. These are all in addition to conscious thought, which is severely lacking in the undead.

The more urgent part of the zombie is the brainstem, which controls muscle coordination of the heart, lungs and most vital organs. One shot to this area and it’s quickly game-over man for your hulking adversary. So, it needs to be said, that a simple frontal lobe popshot will not necessarily take out your drooling zombie, unless it takes out more urgent parts of the brain. So, be sure to aim small, take a deep breath and kill the brain to kill the ghoul.

If the pseudoscience behind the zombification of the dead was matched with practical science, zombies would not last an entire summer and would quickly decompose or be devoured by all manner of insects and maggots (in fact, they would probably make good compost), but ignoring that simple premise, let’s look at how their bodies function:

The optic nerve loosely attached still allows them some eyesight, though this has been met with varying degrees of success in terms of vision. Their eyes look to exhibit various stages of myopia and take on a yellowish tinge to them. Sometimes they can detect humans at a distance, other times they can’t see even a blade being stabbed into their skull.

Their collapsing lungs and slow respiration rate create a distinct groaning sound, with some even able to produce a few distinct words such as ‘braaaiiinsss’.

The blackened undead heart is unable to pump blood, and often resembles a dark grey lump of tissue.

Skeletal and threadbare muscle systems appear open to the surface of the skin; these have developed powerful muscles capable of propelling them forward at sloth-like speeds, only for a last-minute rush as they near their victim. However, due to rigor mortis, their muscles have stiffened after death and hindered their movement, making it difficult to walk for the majority of the time.

Their digestive system is barely intact and completely useless, without enzymes, acids or any means to break down food, which is a strong indication of their complete hunger 24/7. Basically, however, much of the average zombie below the neck is a grotesque mess of intestines, loose bone structures on top of a few indistinguishable sticks resembling legs. Despite the cruciality of the brain, much of the zombie anatomy is irrelevant at this point in time.

At the risk of sounding like Columbus in Zombieland, here are a few pointers to get you through:

1. Please find an underground bunker (see my opening rant)

2. If this isn’t available, try to find secure shelter preferably with large concrete walls and solid gates.

3. Do not go lone wolf, there is strength in numbers, even if it’s having someone guard you at your most vulnerable.

4. Try to get proficient with firearms.

5. If there are no guns or ammunition around, go to your nearest pawnbroker and get a katana (they all have them)

6. Stockpile food and drinking water- it will save risking your life on a shopping run.

7. Build defences around you. And no not the metaphorical barriers, but real physical ones: walls, barbed wire, perhaps a moat…

8. Try to make the most of it – after all there are no mortgage repayments in the world of the undead.

9. Get plenty of rest – fighting off zombie hordes can produce heavy fatigue.

10. Be wary of the greatest threat – other humans- yes this may contradict rule 3 but be selective about how you pick your friends. The man in the clown mask that juggles chainsaws for fun is probably not your best choice for a round of charades.

Well, that wraps it up for our rough guide to Man Vs Zombie. We hope this have been of benefit if you find yourself staring death in its gnarling, raspy ‘braaiiinnns’ gurgling face. Did I mention the benefits of underground accommodation?, perhaps a hobbit hole complete with its own library…