HEALING BITTERNESS - RUSTY GEORGE

rusty george healing bItterness

Soon after my wife and I had moved to California we met a couple that lived around the corner from us. Lorrie and I were fish out of water in California and desperate to find some friendships and meaningful connection. We were 2000 miles away from family and friends. Lorrie was home all day with our 1-year-old daughter, and I was trying to lead a 3 year old church still meeting in a movie theater, and we each knew no one other than the staff. So the first thing we did was join one of our church’s small group’s that happened to meet in our neighborhood. We were delighted to meet some new friends, and one couple in particular – The Taylor’s. They lived right around the corner from us and even though their kids were older than ours, we had a lot in common. The wives liked to walk and talk, and us guys enjoyed football and teasing each other when our teams lost. They were active in the church and committed to the cause. It was our first experience of some people we could relate to who had similar passions as ours… family, faith, and football. (Well, maybe that was just mine.)

Their daughter would babysit for us while the 4 adults would go to dinner or a movie. The husband and I would go to games and play basketball. And every Monday night we’d enjoy our small group together. It was a thrill to see them come in the theater every weekend for church – nice to see a familiar face. But after a few months I noticed the familiar face became more disgruntled. It started with occasional questions about the direction of the church; it morphed into some venting about more depth. They were friends. I trusted them. And I was a young leader. So I let them help steer the ship. We added staff to teach classes they would enjoy, I made changes to my messages that might assist their growth, but the comments continued. Until finally one day he took me to lunch and told me they were “moving on.” His reason – they didn’t like my teaching. Wow. Tell me how you really feel? They pledged we’d still be friends and get together, but you know how that goes. We didn’t see them on Sunday or Monday anymore, we stopped dropping by, and the friendship never recovered. We were wounded.

I remembered a time in second grade when a friend moved away from my class. I was very sad about this, so my mom offered this age old proverb as advice: “Make new friends, but keep the old, some are silver and the others gold.” That seemed nice at the time. But now that I’m an adult it seems ridiculous. Friends that leave me are neither silver nor gold. They are dirt to me.

I wish that was the only time we’d felt that way, but it’s not. My guess is you have your own friendship wounds. You also know the pain of getting close to someone only to discover the feeling was not mutual and they walk away. No matter what reasons they give and nomatter how justifiable their actions, it still hurts. And it leaves a mark.

Collect enough of these friendship wounds and you think I don’t need anyone. After all,why do I even need friends? Especially if you are married with kids. Your life is busy enough. So you begin to think, THESE people in my house are my friends. I don’t have time or the emotional bandwidth for anyone else. What we really mean is we don’t want to take the risk of being hurt again.

After a few decades of this you just learn to put up some walls. Never let anyone see the real you. Only show them what they need to see. Keep everything on the surface. After all, didn’t Solomon say, “Guard your heart?” Not “needing” anyone has its benefits. While no one aspires to be a grumpy old man, or a bitter old woman, I’m sure this is how it happens.

The longer we live, the more wounds we pick up along the way. And like all wounds, if they are left untreated, they can do some serious damage.

Bitterness is just like that. We bandage it up with “I’m fine.” We glorify it like a battle scar from the war. But deep inside it’s eating us up. It cripples our relationships. It turns us into the person we never set out to be. Here are three things to use to help you get over bitterness.

1. SHERLOCK HOLMES’ HAT.

Since the problem is often the symptom, do a little detective work. Don’t just say you hate crowds, or you hate democrats… let’s get to the root of it. Why do you hate these things? What is it that causes you such pain? It’s like the person who hates the Green Bay Packers. Why? Their ex-husband was a fan. We’ve all got a root cause. What is it?

2. A JUDGES’ ROBE.

When someone has hurt you or taken something from you, in your mind you think they owe you something. You sit on the judge's bench and declare… You owe me a promotion, or a childhood, or a first marriage. Instead of stating what they owe you, decide to cancel the debt. Now, keep in mind, there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting. You may never forget. And there is a difference between forgiving and trusting. You don’t have to trust them again, but you can let them out of the jail in your mind.

3. SILLY STRING.

Nothing says “celebrate good times” like silly string. (Well, maybe Kool and the Gang) So, decide to celebrate when good things happen to the person to whom you are bitter. I had a friend that I felt backstabbed me. I was bitter for years. Then I decided to start celebrating everything they did. It turns out I was the one who was set free. If you are reading this and you think I’ve been overly encouraging to you, maybe I was once bitter toward you. (Just kidding)

The Apostle Paul reminds us that we should forgive… just as the Lord Jesus has forgiven us. (Col.3:13). In the end, we’ll be the ones who are blessed. I wish I could say that when people leave our church or our staff it no longer hurts, but itdoes. But I now have a strategy of how to handle it.

Rusty George is the Lead Pastor at Real Life Church in Southern California; a multi-site church with campuses in Canyon Country, Lancaster, Simi Valley, Valencia and a large online community. Real Life has become one of the fastest growing churches in America. Beyond leading Real Life, Rusty is a global speaker, leader and teacher focusing his messages on helping people find and follow Jesus. Rusty has also written several books and writes regularly on his blog. Rusty is first and foremost committed to his family. Rusty has been married to his wife, Lorrie, for over twenty years and they have two daughters.