SPINALLIFE

When the support network of the medical team and other patients was pulled away I found myself sitting at home, vulnerable, confused and lacking any motivation. One of the major problems was losing the routine of hospital life. Without any structure in place I found myself lying in bed or sitting in front of the TV all day, wasting one day at a time. It was so easy to fall into a rut of nothingness without the nurses, physios, occupational therapists and other patients to keep me busy. I do remember feeling like my life had little meaning or purpose. After all, I was on so much heavy medication while struggling to accept my situation that I had forgotten about any ambition to enjoy life.

I have no doubt that I was experiencing extreme depression. Comfort eating quickly led to me gaining around 5 stone, I had blocked off much of my social circle, I had no interest in getting out and about and I was neglecting my health. The latter was becoming a serious problem for me. Being ventilated, it was crucial that I took care of my chest, but despite the best efforts of my care team I refused to carry out the essential tasks like nebulisers and cough assists. I was admitted to intensive care on three occasions with life threatening chest infections, yet I still failed to recognise the destructive impact of my negligence.

I'm glad to say that in time and with hard work, I found my way through these dark times. I think it is so important that anyone confined to hospital after a traumatic injury is prepared for life after leaving hospital. That said, struggling to adjust to life after an injury is an important part of the recovery process. I don't feel like I am weak and certainly don't have anything to be embarrassed about. Everyone has their own journey coming to terms with a new life and for me, the experience of facing the real world after 15 months in hospital was my most challenging time. However, I found an inner strength I didn't know was there and that experience has helped to shape me into the person I am now.

What matters most is that I decided life was too important to give up and that I was not going to let my disability change me as a person. My only regret is leaving it so long before asking for help and finding the clarity of mind to get life back on track. I would encourage anyone who identifies with these feelings of helplessness and depression to recognise how important it is that life is still for living and loving and having fun.