The Bitter End

By Captain J. Gary "Gator" Hill

You may recognize the title above as a quote from perhaps one of the most famous captains in history, Captain Ron Rico. Some of you might be smiling, but some of you might be scratching your head and trying to recall the name. Was he a contemporary of Magellan? Perhaps he served under Lord Nelson, or maybe fought alongside Blackbeard?

Negative! Captain Ron is the main character of a movie by the same name; a fictional character played by Kurt Russel, in this seafaring cult classic.

If you own a boat and haven’t yet watched Captain Ron, I’m shocked and appalled. This is what many of us consider the best training film ever made for novice boaters and sailors. It was released in 1992 to a dismal reception and only grossed just over $22 million, which might seem like a lot but it cost $24 million to make. Some say it was a flop, however it has garnered a cult following that seems to be timeless, with many a diehard boater quoting words of wisdom from the infamous Captain Ron.

Let’s delve into a few of these hidden pearls (in no particular order).

Captain Ron: “The best way to find out is to get her out on the ocean Kitty, if anything’s gonna happen, it’s gonna happen out there.”

This is one of the most honest-to-God truths in boating. This may also be the most often-quoted line from the movie, though there are several. Now let’s dissect this a bit and see what knowledge we can extract from it. All too often, boats are bought with grand ideas of sailing the ocean blue and going on grand adventures, but in the end, many stay tied to the dock. No grand adventure was ever had by sitting on the living room couch, so in this regard, if an adventure is going to be had, it will be had out there. On the other end of the spectrum, boats sometimes leave the dock that never should. Either for mechanical reasons or the owner’s lack of experience, they forge ahead and often need assistance or rescue. But in either regard, the quote is accurate.

Martin Harvey: “Slow down! There’re boats all over the place.”

Captain Ron: “Don’t worry. They’ll get out of the way. I learned that driving the Saratoga.”

Once again, often quoted and sometimes unfortunately sometimes taken to heart. There’s another way of putting it that’s referred to as the rule of gross tonnage, meaning I’m bigger than you and you will get out of my way. Though I think sometimes that’s also translated to, “I’m more important than you.” As a professional mariner I am constantly vigilant and on the lookout for vessels around me, from kayaks to container ships. If you have this particular Captain Ron mindset, please reevaluate who the hell you are. Your pursuit of boating happiness doesn’t supersede mine or anyone else’s.

Captain Ron: “Stay on the path boss, there’s guerillas in these woods.”

One of the most hilarious exchanges between Captain Ron and Martin Harvey. This is a great example of the difference between what’s being said and what’s being heard. Communications and timing are two of the greatest things I carried from the Army into my civilian life. Although Ron is trying to warn his boss there are guerillas, as in freedom fighters, in the area, Martin hears the word gorillas and goes off on the fact that gorillas are not native to the Caribbean. In boating, especially when it comes to safety, be sure what you think you’re hearing, is actually what you’re hearing.

Captain Ron: “A diesel loves her oil same as a sailor loves rum.”

Martin Harvey: “Why is that Captain Ron?”

Captain Ron: “Nobody Knows.”

Take away? Maintenance is paramount!

So, there you have but just a few quotes and hopefully I’ve brought a smile to your face, or piqued your interest in this wholesome family-friendly movie. Be spontaneous (when you have time) and give it a watch for more great boating wisdom!

Till our wakes cross again, peace and love and shrimp and grits. I’ll see you on the water!

Top: Movie poster from Captain Ron. Above right: The Harvey family with Captain Ron on the deck of the family sailboat, The Wanderer. Images © Buena Vista Pictures

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