Issuu

Love Part Two (Hong Kong) It just hit me and I stopped walking. A Chinese man grunted when I stopped in front of him and he had to walk around. I pulled to the side of the sidewalk and took out my Blackberry and started the SMS, “I am going to stop waiting.” I had told myself that I would wait forever. But Eve had repeatedly told me not to. “Be free,” she had said. But waiting for her – I felt trapped. I was trapping myself in my apartment to be good. I was waiting endlessly for someone who only lived in my head – but didn’t live in my reality. And one day while coming home after work, I went home to an empty apartment, and dropped my computer bag on the couch without the lights on – and I just stood there in the darkness – and I realized no one was waiting for me. I was waiting alone. Alone in my apartment. Alone in Hong Kong. But it was not a sad, selfish alone. Not like I needed someone in my life to make it complete because I was so broken, incomplete. It was the opposite. I want to find somebody who wants me to add to them. And I wanted them to add to me. I have something to offer. And if Eve didn’t want me – that’s her – she is passing by a great gift. The great gift of me. I didn’t have to convince her that I loved her. She knew that. I think my pining for her for the last couple of years and reaching out to her even thought I was dating other people proved that I could not shake her. I couldn’t eradicate my feelings for her. She saw it in my eyes on the rare occasion we met. She read it in the poetry I wrote her. And yes, maybe we were together in the past life and maybe we will be together in the next life. Maybe we were not meant for this life.

If she didn’t want to take that chance, okay. If she didn’t want me to spend the rest of my life making her happy, okay. If she felt I wasn’t worth it, okay. I know who I am. I know what I am capable of. No, I am not perfect. But down deep, I am a good person. I will be a fantastic boyfriend. And one day my goal will be to share my life with someone with the sole purpose to encourage her to follow her dreams. Okay, I am done. “You are free,” I typed on my Blackberry. I am free. I stood there – alone – under the street lights on a scarcely busy Hollywood Road in Sheung Wan beside the restaurant Duo where we often had Sunday brunch. “Let’s just be.” I finished. “Goodbye Mrs. Jones,” I said aloud and my thumb hovered over the send button. I looked over at Duo Bar and Restaurant as was after business hours, dark, empty – but I could see the table we used to sit at through the window. It was the table closest to the street where we would laugh, talk about a life we didn’t live together. I hit send. Then I continued walking to my apartment. No sadness, no remorse, and a sudden peace came to me. Just be, I said to myself. Now started love part two. This time it’s a love for myself.