Isn't Home With The Ones You Love?

By Morgane TurquiWAITING... PROBABLY THE WORST FEELING EVER.

When going on an exchange, waiting is the thing you’ll do the most and the thing you’ll hate the most.

You’ll first wait for your TOEFL results.

Then, you’ll wait for your acceptation with ISEP.

Then, the longer and scarier part is probably waiting to know where you’ll end up, where you’re going to live for the upcoming year. Will it be a big city? A small town? What will be the weather like? How is the campus? Is there some public transportation? How far away from home is it? Is it inland or near the beach? Will I like living there?

Eventually, when you know where you’re going to live, you wait until your departure’s day comes. So you make a countdown that you first check every week, then every day, and finally several times during the day. And while you watch at the countdown as if it was some kind of a bomb ready to explode, you’re feeling either anxious or really excited, or pretty sad, and sometimes, all of these feeling come together… And then starts the « last time of everything » period. The last time you see your friends, your family. The last time you enjoy your favorite meal prepared by your mother. The last time you play with your little brother. The last time you wake up in your bed. So you’re more and more feeling melancholia and you start wondering if you should go, if you’ll miss something while going abroad, if you are crazy to go away by yourself in a totally new country surrounded by strangers. But deep down you know you definitely need this year. You know that you’d rather have remorse than regrets and that going abroad really is the best thing you’ll ever do in your entire life.

So now, you just look at the countdown, staring at these not-so-scary-anymore numbers, waiting until it is written D-Day while trying to imagine the fantastic year you’re going to have. You can’t wait but think about the moment you’ll be on the plane, there is no turning back and there probably won’t be because the person your family is hugging goodbye at the airport isn’t the same person they’re going to welcome few months later. So you just wait until that happens…

While I’ll be waiting for my plane to take off next week, looking through the plane window, I’ll ask myself : What will this change in my life?

And I will certainly have the answer next year, still looking through the plane window, whispering: EVERYTHING.

TWO MONTHS AFTER LANDING IN YOUR NEW PLACE YOU NOW CALL HOME.

I won’t lie, it’s tough. It ain’t vacation.

I could write about the roller-coaster feeling in the plane, after saying goodbye to your loved ones, where you’re just having your happiest and saddest moment at the same time, crying of sadness for the past you just left, and crying of joy for the future you’re eager/about to discover.

I could write about the feelings of anger and tiredness when the guard border pays too much attention to your visa, like if something was wrong and you feel the tears coming in your eyes, thinking, “What the heck is wrong now?”

I could write about the feeling of loneliness when you settle in your new apartment, unpack and stare at the empty pieces of furniture, wanting to call your family but realizing the jet lag and that they are sleeping at the moment.

I could write about the feeling of disorientation when going to the grocery store, wandering in the alleys, not recognizing a single product, not knowing what to buy.

I could write about all the feelings of being overwhelmed and stressed because of administrative issues you have to deal with, and the tiniest thing like opening a bank account or purchasing a phone plan is a challenge.

I could write about all of that. But I won’t focus on that. I won’t, because these feelings are just making you grow, you’re the one who wanted to go out of your comfort zone, no one made you do that. It was your choice. You wanted some challenges in your life. Challenge doesn’t mean complaining or that it isn’t worth it.

I won’t write about all of these because they’re just a minor part of your new life. The reality, once it settles, is worth it. This is all worth it. You’re discovering this new country, making new friends, constantly exploring and trying everything, like a child is experiencing life, having a list for everything you want to try, everywhere you want to go and every slang you want to use. Walking in the city, head up because the buildings are so high, amazed by the music which is playing in the street, by the food and local specialties you’re trying and by the breathtaking landscape. You’re realizing that one year won’t be enough to try, discover, explore, and learn everything. You’ll need more than a year but you know you can’t stay longer than that.

You’re going to have experiences you never could have imagined, dreamed of, nor had if you’d stayed in your home country. You’re going to meet people and constantly learn more and more everyday like a child : learning the language, the customs etc… I surfed with dolphins, cuddled flamingos, went on a road trip to Vegas, saw my favorite band in concert, hiked in one of the most beautiful National Parks where you just feel like an ant in front this breathtaking nature, and did so much more.

One day you’ll wake up and say : this is home. This is where I want to be. You’re realizing that the worst parts of your year aren’t the struggles you’ve experienced when you came in, but it will be the return plane. Since you can’t stay as long as you would like, you decide to make the most of your time abroad. You’re going to enjoy every single month of your stay and each day more and more as if it was the last one you had to spend in this country. You experience living like a local. You notice your improvement in the language you’re surrounded by. Waking up after your first dream in that language is one of the best proud feeling you’ve ever have. Already two months have passed, there are seven left.

When I am asked, “Do you feel homesick?” My only answer would be, “I just feel home”.But isn’t home with the ones you love?

WOW. ALMOST A YEAR HAS PASSED. TIME HAS FLOWN SO FAST.You have your return flight ticket and there’s just one month left.

How do you feel? Torn apart. Heartbroken. Happy. Depressed. You’re going through the exact same roller coaster of emotion you’ve experienced when you came – maybe even harder.

I didn’t know you could have your heart broken by a city, a lifestyle, and a bunch of amazing friends.

Here you are… One. Last. Month. Although you know you’ll definitely come back to visit, you know it’ll never be the same.

I’ve surprised myself by wishing I never came; because the pain of going back to a “normal life”, to “home” seems just unbearable, and I’d rather not have experienced it all, nor met these amazing people who turned out to become my friends forever, who made me so happy while I had nothing, and to whom I am so grateful, because even just the thought of going back and leaving them seems insufferable.

The fact is, I believe, I am just afraid.I am afraid to go back “home” – even though I’m not really sure where it is now.Afraid to go back to a culture that used to be mine and find out that it’s not familiar to me anymore.

Afraid to feel too foreign for here, too foreign for there, and never enough for both. Because, yes, I do believe that living one year abroad, outside of your comfort zone, going to unreal places and meeting awesome people, changes you and shapes you – I hope, for the best.

I am afraid to go back to the “routine”, because living abroad is a year of experiments and discoveries, and you start falling in love with this feeling of discovering, constantly exploring and being amazed by everything.

I am also afraid to go back and realize how far away I am from my friends back there, how many things and big events I have really missed in their lives while I was away…

So here, you’re reentering the phase of “the last time” – the last time you go to your favorite beach, watch the sun setting on the ocean, eat local food, go on a road trip, hang out with your friends … But this time is different, it really feels like “the last time”, because you can only wish you will be able to come back one day.

Flying back will be as if you’re waking up from a sweet and beautiful long dream, and you’re trying to go back to sleep to finish your dream.

But it doesn’t work… and everything fades away instead…

Although leaving all my family and friends to go to America has been frightening, painful, and exciting, leaving all my family and friends I have made in America will be even more, because I can tell for sure that building a life for 19 years and leaving it for one year is way easier than building a life for one year and leaving it forever.