Fire Ant Season

Fire Ant Season

I know I said I hate poetry but that wasn’t true sorry to all the poets

i’m turning 18 in a few months i’m going to be an adult i’m going to be a woman the idea of calling myself a woman feels like a joke a joke that’s gone on for way too long and stopped being funny a while ago but if i’m not a woman what am i? a girl? a boy? a man? neither? both? something else entirely? who knows sometimes i feel like i’m not real i’m a video game character or a metaphor or a trope and everyone knows my purpose and can read my subtext and understands but sometimes i feel like i’m so very real and i can feel every nerve ending and every strand of hair and my realness is pouring out of my nose and my ears and i’m conscious and self aware and i’m going to vomit from how real it feels

you have a picture of Marsha P Johnson on your instagram from June but not Sylvia Rivera. you don’t know who she is because you don’t care about queers you can’t make martyrs of. you love to post pictures on your story of beaten and dying gays in Russia and Poland and you say “this is so sad” and everyone’s like yeah it really is. and you say “i watched that documentary about that boy who got tied to a fence” and i ask for his name and you can’t tell me or maybe you’re scared to. because saying his name makes it so real suddenly he’s not “that boy who got tied to a fence” he’s Mathew Sheppard. and you see his face on mine and that’s real scary for you i’m sure it is. it’s scary to see the queer people in your life next to those who have been tortured and beaten and killed. i’m sure that’s real scary for you. it’s not too fun for me either.

i’ll bring you a love letter deliver it by hand and tell you “this is all i ever want from you” all i want is for you to take it from me

Is That Enough?

Is this what you’re calling art nowadays ?

I have some complaints

Im too old to be this sad this is a 12 year old kind of sadness but also i’m too young for this i have to live now i’ll sleep when i’m dead and ill be sad when i’m 25

1/22/19

when i came back after the hurricane my bathroom was full of little black dead ants they were everywhere on the walls and the windowsill and in the toilet and in the shower

today i took a shower and i sat on my feet with my forehead on the ground and i prayed to myself bc i’m my own god and the water was so hot it burnt my feet and i sat up and water poured over me and my skin was red and peeling and i felt like one of those little dead ants and thought abt how baptists don’t know how to worship women

I SURVIVED A NATURAL DISASTER HOW MESSED UP IS THAT THAT’S INSANE THAT DOESN’T EVEN FEEL REAL but anyways this isn’t about that

i’ve never been able to make myself throw up twelve years old i was hunched over the toilet bowl in my baby blue bathroom sobbing, begging myself please just let me have this just this one thing please let me empty out my shame onto the porcelain please let me vomit up my guilt let the acid drip from mouth and down the drain, carrying away my mistakes i was in control when i starved myself i was maintaining my impulses and i was disciplining myself and i felt real i was hungry and grounded and solid the air in my stomach weighed me down

is this

forever?

this page is intentionally left blank because I ran out of ideas

Are there too many pictures in this or not enough?

I hope no one thinks this is about art

GOD IS A

13 YEAR OLD

FUJOSHI And jesus is a furry

Blah blah blah

i want to take everything i once found so holy and vital and crush it beneath my fingers turn it to dust and like Jehovah

spit upon it take up the mud and breathe into it everything unholy and disgusting i have inside me

gender sux alexa play i want to be your girlfriend by Ezra Furman

it’s sickening how familiar i am with the sight of skin under my nails say what you will about women but it’s not normal for PMS to make me tear myself to shreds

Is this enough? Am I done?

Is it finished? I don’t feel like I said enough I had so much more to say I need just a little more time please just give me a little more time to finish please.

ITS NOT ENOUGH

j u s t o n e m o r e p a g e

OK THAT’S ENOUGH INSTAGRAM: @SNOTCIETY