Special Interest

Helping Person Bipolar Disorder

BY TOM FRANCISKOVICH

We receive a lot of email here at SLO LIFE Magazine, but it was

one that I received on an unusually warm and still morning last fall that caught my attention. It got right to the point: Hey Tom, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder this summer, something I have struggled with most of my adult life. The author of the email was someone I knew, someone who many of you know. But, I did not understand why he was contacting me. The email continued: I feel a great sense of relief with the diagnosis as it explains a lot of things for me and my family. And I was thinking that, since awareness is such a big part of this disorder, would you be interested in sharing my story in the magazine? I figure that if I can help just one person with this, then it will have been worth it.

I didn’t know much about Bipolar Disorder, aside from the few times it has made the news within the context of a sensational crime story, including recently right here on the Central Coast. But, I did do some cursory research before our first interview. I wanted to have some background, but not so much that I became biased - I wanted to hear from him what it was all about.

After the usual niceties, I started the interview. “What exactly is Bipolar?” I asked, curious to see how he would explain it. Matthew raised his hands in front of him and held them flat, horizontally about a foot apart and said, “If the usual range of emotions is between my hands here, my experience will swing from higher than my top hand, which is ‘my high’ to lower than my bottom hand, which is ‘my low.’ I pass through this normal range to an extreme, but I don’t live within these bounds as you do.”

Yet, it was living “outside the bounds” that has caused Matthew to soar to great heights while also occasionally crashing back down to earth in spectacular fashion. In his case, it was much more of the former and a lot less of the latter. “Even during my low periods, I am still able to function at a reasonable level in business and, except for those who know me very well, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell if I was experiencing a low. You may just think, ‘Oh, he’s just having a bad day’ or ‘He’s a bit aloof’ or something like that.”

That all changed last summer when Matthew was hit with a massive wave of depression that followed an “intensely reckless high period,” which dropped him far below anything that he had ever experienced before. His restless mind and occasional “moodiness” were things he had always been able to control, but this time it was different. He wanted his life to end and began contemplating how to do it.

The more I learned about Bipolar Disorder, the more I realized how little is actually understood about the disorder and its treatment [see page 32 for additional information]. There are the usual explanations of brain chemistry and the imbalance of certain hormones, but precious little is known about what causes it and how to treat it. In Matthew’s case, as with most all Bipolar sufferers, a combination of counseling and medication are used in combination to manage what is usually described as a lifelong diagnosis.

And it is the very nature of Bipolar that makes it so difficult to treat, as when the sufferer experiences a “high” it does not feel like something that needs to be fixed - quite the contrary, it feels good, really good. In Matthew’s case, he actually credits the disorder for the amazing list of accomplishments he has experienced through his lifetime. “When I am on a high, I feel like there is nothing that can stop me, and my energy and endurance are through the roof,” reveals Matthew, a gifted athlete who was recruited internationally out of high school. “It’s like no other feeling, and I really cannot describe it, there are no words for it.”

Continuing to ride his high into elite college athletics, it was not long before the rug was pulled out from beneath him. After competing at the top level and consistently living up to his “freshman phenom” label that fans and coaches had bestowed upon him, Matthew became injured, and the machinations of his mind conspired to send him down a familiar path. “There was absolutely nothing that could cheer me up. And, I don’t think it helped not having any close friends or family around. It was a downward spiral like I had never experienced before to that point,” he recalls.

So, after his sensational start in elite NCAA athletics, Matthew abruptly called it quits. And this pattern of oversized success, followed by an unexplainable depression, would continue throughout his life. He began to recognize this cycle in himself and, to a degree, was able to channel and control it. A “high” represented an opportunity and was something to be maximized, a “low” was something to be concealed. It was not long until Matthew had taught himself another sport, which propelled him to national prominence and a whole new level of success. When all of the records were broken and that sport was conquered another one soon followed, which he excelled at as well. Then he got his first taste of business, and he became “all-in,” promptly stopping his athletic pursuits.

“I become obsessive about things and when I am on a high I can think of nothing else. For example, I have become interested in sailing lately, and in one sailboat in particular, and there is this one eight-minute YouTube video I will watch over and over again. I will literally stay up all night long watching this thing. I don’t get tired, and I will notice a new detail each time I watch it. I don’t know how to explain it,” observes Matthew, who seems equal parts amused and bewildered as he relays the story.

A career in business that began in earnest in his mid-twenties led to overseas travels and a string of successful international ventures. And, as it turns out, Bipolar Disorder is disproportionately represented in entrepreneurship, which makes sense considering that the qualities of a person experiencing a Bipolar high are similar to those that may be beneficial when launching a new enterprise: a high level of energy, an underestimation of risk, a feeling of infallibility, and an obsessive drive toward completion of a task [see complete chart on page 32].

And life would continue this way for Matthew: one success after another followed each time by a visit with his private demons, which was generally noted only by him and his wife, and increasingly by his young children. This would continue in a familiar, mostly controllable cycle until last summer.

“I’ve been through some dark times, but nothing like that,” Matthew shares. “But, there was something that triggered in me at my lowest point; it was almost like divine intervention or something, and it took every ounce of my strength and will power to pick up the phone, but I did.” In the middle of the night, when everything appeared lost there remained just one last unspeakable option, Matthew remembered a business associate whose wife was a psychologist. He struggled to scroll through his cell phone contacts, and, barely able to focus on the names and numbers streaming past, he clicked “call.”

“I remember the phone ringing and ringing and then a half-asleep voice on the other end of the line picking up. I don’t know what I said, but the next thing I knew she [the psychologist] was at my front door. We talked through the night and in the morning she took me to see a psychiatrist who gave me some medication, and I was put on suicide watch. Every hour of the day for three days I had to call [the psychologist] to check in. After a day of doing that I started to feel a little ridiculous and sort of embarrassed, really, but it made me realize how serious this had all become. And I was determined to make a change.”

No sooner than the fog began to lift, Matthew threw himself into stabilizing his mental health with the same fervor he had exhibited in sport and business. Daily counseling sessions followed and answers were sought. One visit to a bookstore led him to a book called “The Hyperactive Mind” which he embraced with a missionary’s zeal. “When I read the opening paragraph, I pretty much said, ‘Wow, that describes me exactly,’ and I felt a massive weight come off my shoulders with the thought that ‘I’m not the only one dealing with this.’ ”

As Matthew and I continued to meet and correspond by email, I became more and more gripped by his story. Not only did I see him as an incredibly compelling subject for a story in this magazine, I increasingly saw him as a good friend. And, at some point along the way, my enthusiasm for publishing an amazing personal story became trumped by my desire to protect a friend, which got me thinking, “What is it he needs to be protected from?” As you have probably figured out by now “Matthew” is not his real name. And, it probably says a whole lot more about me and society in general than it does about “Matthew” that I have not revealed the true source of the article (although everything else is factually correct). We discussed at length the ramifications for doing so, including conversations with his family, business associates, psychologist, and psychiatrist. Sadly, it is true that there really is still a stigma attached to mental illness, which is undoubtedly responsible for keeping more people suffering from various afflictions from seeking help. While I may be contributing to this dynamic by advising “Matthew” to conceal his identity for now, this apparent hypocrisy was not lost on him. During our conversations, I often thought back to his first email which signed off with the words: if I can just help just one person with this, then it will have been worth it.

I still believe that we can accomplish that mission - to help those out there who may be unnecessarily suffering. And, maybe we have taken just one small step in the right direction with this story and opened the door for some meaningful dialogue. Although “Matthew” has spent most of his adult life “suffering in silence,” there is help right here on the Central Coast. And, if you happen to be one of those readers that relates to this story and perhaps sees those same traits in yourself or someone you know, I would strongly encourage you to also read the article on page 32 and follow-up with some of the resources listed there. And, for the rest of us, including myself, let’s continue to embrace the good life that we live here while remembering that there are those among us who are suffering, but can, in part from our help, find a new way forward.

As for Matthew, he acknowledges that minding his mental health will be a lifelong challenge requiring counseling, which he now does once a week, along with consistent use of medication. The most difficult thing for him will be to continue to take medication when he feels a high coming on. But, it will be that commitment, which he has made to his wife and his children, that will allow him to keep a steady course, free from the darkness of depression, but also absent the ecstasy of nearly unlimited energy and indescribably good feelings. It will be difficult. One day Matthew hopes to lend his face and name to the constant battle against the lack of awareness and misinformation that continually plagues mental illness in general and Bipolar Disorder in particular. In the meantime, he continues to strive for optimum mental health, one day at a time. SLO LIFE

Transitions-Mental Health Association

is a nonprofit organization dedicated to eliminating stigma and promoting recovery and wellness for people with mental illness through work, housing, community and family support services.

Inspiring hope, growth, recovery and wellness in our communities.

www.t-mha.org