BEAR RUG

bear rug

shawn campbell

I recently learned that if you want to get a bear rug made it’s going to cost you around $6,000 and take as long as a year and half. is might seem like a lot of time and money, but you need to be realistic about the situation. I don’t imagine there are that many bear rug makers le in the world. Not just anyone can make bear rugs. It takes a lot of skill to turn a bear carcass into something that anyone trying to turn their living room into a high end 1970’s pornographic lm set would be proud to have grace their hardwood oor. You know the kind of movie I’m talking about. e kind that actually tries to have a plot and stars people with ridiculous names like Charlie Buttermilk and Chesty McTitterson. Don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. is begs the question, how do people even become a bear rug maker? I never saw that booth at my high school’s career day. Maybe it’s some kind of apprenticeship. I don’t know. Bear rug maker doesn’t really seem like the kind of career most people set out to get. It’s probably something you just kind of fall

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into. One day you’re stocking groceries onto shelves. You help some random guy nd the canned peaches. e two of you strike up a conversation. Next thing you know.......bam........you’re an apprentice bear rug maker, on the road to a lifetime of badassery. at’s right. Badassery. Don’t try to fool yourself. Bear rug maker is probably the most badass job in the world. I know you think your work in accounting is pretty interesting, but news ash, no one cares. e only job that probably comes close to being a badass as bear rug maker is being the personal lion tamer for President eodore Roosevelt. However, Teddy’s been dead for some time now and is giving no signs of coming back, so bear rug maker wins by default. Wait a minute you’re probably saying, what about remen, they’re pretty badass, and the ladies love them. Please, I don’t care if you’re a reman with an accent. ere is no way you’re pulling more tail than a bear rug maker.

Ladies, imagine you’re on a date and you ask the ruggedly macho man across the table from you what he does for a living. He answers that he makes bear rugs. Boom, that’s all she wrote. You won’t even get

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through the appetizer before you’re telling him it’s time to go back to his place for some hot loving making on a massive pile of bear rugs. You’ll probably have half your clothes o before you even get out of the restaurant. Some of you will undoubtedly claim that you have too much class and self-respect to ever lose control like that, but that would make you a lthy liar. No woman can resist the masculine charms of a bear rug maker.

Maybe that’s why it takes so long to get a bear rug made. Bear rug makers are probably getting so much ass that they only have time to work on bear rugs two hours a day.....tops. Why do you think people buy bear rugs? ey do it in the hope that the essence of the bear rug maker will release enough pheromones in their house to jump start their sad little sex lives. It’s a veri able fact that bear rug maker is the number one role-playing fantasy for couples trying to reignite the re in their relationship. It even beats out classics like Fireman Rescue, Boss and Secretary Working Late, Getting Out of a Speeding Ticket, and Pope John XXIII Missing Easter Mass Because of a Naughty Nun.

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If all this has you intrigued and you’re thinking about getting a bear rug made, here’s a few tips: 1. Make sure you hunt and kill your own bear. Bear rugs require rugged manliness from start to nish. Don’t bring a bear rug maker some random bear carcass you found alongside the highway. 2. Don’t send your wife or girlfriend to drop o your bear carcass or pick up your bear rug when it’s done. I don’t care how faithful they are, once they walk through the door of the bear rug maker’s shop they’re going to be hit by so much raging machismo that it’s going to reduce them to the state of a teenager at a pop concert. 3. It’s legal to mail your bear carcass to the bear rug maker. Sure the box might be heavy, drip a little blood, and de nitely stink up the mail truck, but screw the mailman, he’s union and gets four weeks of vacation a year. 4. Don’t wear your bear rug like a robe and walk around your house talking in a racist Native American accent or making poor quality bear sounds. Bear rugs are supposed to be classy.

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Let’s keep them that way. is is totally not brought to you by the North American Bear Rug Association based in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. I was in no way paid fat wads of colorful monopoly like Canadian dollars to write this. <END>

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