Holes V CHURCHILL

V Churchill holes

after Eileen Myles

in the 90s we could hide our poverty holes in everything money was for drinking clothes were second-hand at nineteen I bought a wide-collared brown-checked three-piece suit I’d sit on the tube drinking for courage to enter a room alone in that suit I was not attractive in a dangerous way not like at twelve alone in a room with an adult male aware of something I couldn’t see yet felt responsible for I found comfort in that wide-shouldered silhouette how the waistcoat held my swollen chest tight in that suit I disappeared and felt the most powerful I ever had I carried that 90s style around with me like a torch

until I wanted someone to be proud of me I threw out the tights with holes fixed the underarm rip in my coat replaced my dog-eared Dr. Martens to prove I was not falling apart when I was young I found safety dressing in men’s clothes finding femininity more like impersonation this body these boobs did not come with a manual I slapped a man hard across the face when he stuck his hand up my very short skirt thinking about it my favourite dress is full of holes beyond repair I just can’t bring myself to let her go