Skier TV - Satire 2022

THE

Established with senioritis Avril Lavigne,2008 PUBLISHED: Poorly

TV SKIER FBI Sues “The Simpsons” After Big Secret in Episode Jane Doe, Captain Barbie

From the Ebola virus outbreak in 2014 to the creation of autocorrect and smartwatches, “The Simpsons” have accurately predicted events of the future. However, while impressive in the past, the satirical TV show’s fortune-telling abilities have landed them in a heap of trouble.

On Feb.10th, “The Simpsons” script writers quote on quote “accidentally” revealed one of the Pentagon’s most scandalous secrets in episode 718, “AI Trump”, leaving them under lawsuits and intensive investigation.

The FBI is actively interviewing all Simpson scriptwriters, temporarily pausing all episodes from reaching screens. Although there is limited knowledge regarding the “top secret” information unveiled in episode 718, Skier TV was able to gather exclusive information from an Aspen resident.

Duff Burns, lonely resident of Aspen, is an avid binge-watcher of “The Simpsons”, and watched episode 718. Burns tapped into the new episode milliseconds after it aired and believes that he knows what the secret may have been.

“Well, episode 718 was some silly satire episode about Donald Trump…. and I thought little of it until the FBI took the episode down and hunted after the scriptwriters. At first, I was like ‘Woah’, I guess they

don’t like orange and yellow together; maybe they are against that color scheme,” Burns said in the exclusive interview.

Burns then continued with his revelations about a potential secret the FBI may be hiding.

“But then it all came to me. The Simpsons pictured Trump as some AI created by the government to test the intelligence of Americans. Maybe the FBI tried to cover that up in real life or something… sounds crazy,” Photo by The Pope Burns said.

Bart Simpson from “The Simpsons” under arrest by the FBI According to the intel along with any traces of informato ponder, “Oh my god, was Trump provided by Burns, the government tion revealing this secret. The FBI actually and AI? Why else would could have possibly created Trump has posted the following statement they be suing the Simpsons? Is this as an AI, causing him to commit about the episode, and any further ridiculous?” and “Can the Simpsons several atrocious acts to test the action towards the creators of “The predict the future and top secret moral judgment of Americans. After Simpsons:” information?” Regardless, there is many Americans worshiped Trump’s “Creators, scriptwriters, Disney one thing known for sure: that the shocking behavior, the government 20th Century FOX Studios, and all Simpsons may have discovered may have documented the public others involved in the creation of something extremely suspicious, reactions as data for unknown purepisode 718 of “The Simpsons” will and the FBI is desperately trying to poses. be under thorough investigation and cover their tracks.

“On one hand, I think that the lawsuits. Further information will When Christopher Way, head diSimpsons were on to something, be provided shortly. For now, all rector of the FBI, was contacted by and that is why they are under such that can be communicated is that the Skier TV he refused to disclose any intense scrutiny from the FBI. On Federal Bureau of Investigation is information about the case. the other hand, this theory is kinda after “The Simpsons”.

“Go away,” Way remarked to bonkers. If it was pure satire, then This is the only current informaSkier TV. “Under the Pentagon’s auI have no speculations behind the tion given to the public from the thority, I cannot tell you jack ****,” FBI’s actions,” Burns said.

FBI about the investigation of “The Way said.

Less than a day after episode 718 Simpsons” cartoon creators. aired, it was taken down by the FBI, A situation like this leaves many

Kinder App For Kids

Bo Melon, Checked Out

Aspen School District has had a deficit of social experience and connection since the beginning of Covid in March, 2020.

The pandemic has limited many students from finding successful connections. At Aspen Elementary and Aspen Middle School, there is no need to worry, as there is alight at the end of the tunnel. An app, invented by… supports students that are having a hard time.

Introducing the Kinder app, an app where all kids can connect and become social.

This app is quite easy, students download the app onto their flip phones and have the ability to see other students that go to their school. Students can put up to three photos of themselves, a place in the school where they like to hangout, a hobby, and a genuine picture showing their true selves- braces and pimples make the picture more genuine. Users also have the choice to put in a bio. One student in 4th grade, North West, says he has never found a better app.

“After playing Fortnite and eating Cheetos in my room for two years straight I came back to school this year feeling very genuine.

I tried to make friends in the cafeteria by raiding their loot and asking them to give me more loot to revive me. The other 4th graders did not take it well when I tried to steal their prison-like trays of food,” West said.

North West then found himself hiding in the dirty docks of the theater room by himself, when he saw a student sitting by themselves in the theater room on her phone.

He took out Kinder and matched her in a matter of seconds.

“I now get to loot peoples’ food at the cafeteria with my newly best friend Karen. Ipad kid and advid fortnite player on Tinder We have found even more kids that started on Kinder, and now we have enough to have a battle royale during and between our classTable of Contents: es,” said West.

This new connection app for kids has Maybe politically offenallowed students to become much more sive thigs sociable in their own odd and genuine ways.

But, do not forget the K and the beginning of Kinder,as there has been a lot of reports of Pluto propaganda 3rd and 6th graders messing up the wording and downloading the incorrect app. Stay safe IDK? Who cares... and keep swiping right, friends.

Photo by The Pope

Table of Contents: Made ya look!

April Fools!!!

Why are you still reading these?

#2kool4skool

SKIER

CRISIS

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AHS empty lockers have horrors inside Harpoon Axelwoman , Staff Mom

Many AHS students don’t use their lockers, which leads to the common assumption that unused lockers are empty. However, when Skier TV students opened AHS lockers to investigate this mystery, they found some of the world’s most horrifying sights. (warning: read with caution) The first locker, locker 227, revealed a speaker playing a podcast hosted by two old white men talking about how climate change was fake. Upon hearing this, students began covering their ears in fear, crying, running away, and screaming, and it was clear that opening the rest of these lockers would be a daunting task.

The following locker, 666, lived up to its number, containing the most evil things in existence: a jar of mustard and 20 parking tickets (which you should probably go pay), causing the students to faint out of fear.

As they opened the door of locker 015, students recalled seeing a flash of blinding light, reportedly glimpsing the Demogorgon within the fog. However, the reality was

much scarier, as students were greeted by a dusty pile of 2000s clothing, including a full galaxy pajama set and leggings printed with images of cats and tacos. The lack of fashion sense caused many students to fall ill at the sight of such an outdated closet!

“Whoever owns these horrible clothes needs serious help!” said Lulu Fashionista, an AHS student.

Locker 128 contained a big red button labeled “Free Pizza”, but this button actually just caused another country to explode upon pressing it. The students were very disappointed, but the locker also contained three grapes and a plane ticket to save the country after this, so do not worry.

However, Locker 056 was probably the worst out of them all, containing the beautiful harmony of a baby crying on an airplane mixed with the sound of nails on a chalkboard. These excruciating sounds caused the remaining students to cover their ears in agony and pray for their loss of hearing.

Watch out for these terrible secrets inside of AHS lockers and open at your own risk!

Unused, empty locker exposes some scary secrets

Photo by Mad Lad

Lunch cut out of AHS Schedule the lack of time to converse. Lily olate chip cookie from the cafe, To account long lunch lines Buffet, a freshman at AHS, sets then sit down and converse with food aside and speaks up about your friends in the commons. at AHS, lunch has been shortthe restricted time to socialize.

Although, I don’t mind the long ened down to 5 minutes, the first “Many high schoolers have lunch lines if it means I can still change in the 2021-2022 schedule be with my friends. Without a all year. This controversial change experienced the long lunch lines, has resulted in boycotts and riots which already make it impossilunch period at all, I have no time ble to get a gatorade and chocat school to talk to my senior from the AHS student body.

Straussboss has opposing opinions compared to the Aspen Skiers. While the majority of AHS Skiers despise the new schedule change, Straussboss is in favor of this new change.

“Students altogether have 25 minutes of ample passing time in between each class. Why waste valuable learning time in the middle of the day? I don’t see the difference with eating during your passing periods…” Strausboss said.

Despite the commonly held belief that the biggest issue students have with the schedule change is Photo by The Pope the limited time to eat; the maAHS student locked in jail after protesting jority of students are upset about Curly Q, Staff Freshman

boyfriend,” Buffet said.

This issue has expanded outside of the campus. Emily Greedy, a sophomore at AHS, has been at the Aspen Police Department since January 24, 2022. She boycotted the cafe and attempted to break into the teacher lounge so she wouldn’t have to wait in the lunch line. This failed, as she was shortly arrested after Cam the Criminal, came in.

“I was hungry and furious. I broke into the teachers’ lounge and saw the massive amount of chocolate chip cookies they had just sitting on the table. I was about to grab one, but police officer Cam the Criminal came in right away and busted me,” Greedy said.

Nobody knows when we will get our lunch back. As of now, we can only hope that Strausboss gives us our mid-day social time back.

SKIER

I don’t even know anymore

CATASTROPHY

I lost count

Teacher’s Mask Fashion AHS Fight Night: Most ExEllis Island, Captain JACKA$$, Stella Ivory, Takes One For The Team, LK, Mini Emily

Tam Tam

Aspen High School prides itself on allowing student to embrace who they are.

Kids often embrace their true identity within their hair styles, clothing options, etc. Throughout this pandemic teachers have also learned to embrace their identities through clothing choices.The staff has taken the burden of masks wearing, and decided to embrace their unique style though their masks.

Brent Monerelzza

citing Event in AHS History

Ellis Island, Captain JACKA$$, Stella Ivory, Takes One For The Team, LK, Mini Emily

Aspen Skiers, get stoked! For the first time in AHS history there will be a teacher fight night. Students will be asked to place bets on the teachers you think will destroy each other. *Betting booth opens at 4:20 on the Boat.* Feel free to unleash any built up anger a teacher has caused.

Tam Tam’s strict classroom makes sense now.

For your viewing pleasure, a multitude of teachers will be facing off in a ring placed in the commons bathroom, that is if the sewage is no longer spilling out of the drains. Teachers must fight until one surrenders, or until one can no longer walk- either one works!

Place your bets at - revengeonmyteacher.org *Bets only accepted in - mango/cucumber juul pods, cafe cookies, and math test answers*

Cam the Criminal

Eco friendly, of course. Very on brand for the science department.

Arresting single-use mask wearers one day at a time.

Jam Dog

Pretty Boy Cory

Do you know which mask we’re talking about Jam Dog?

Stross

Classic, clean, sanitary. No further comments.

Bono Cheese

Always taking pride in her character, activism is key.

This cooking teacher never wastes food…or masks.

And now... for your AHS Teacher lineup...

Feb 30

SKIER

DRAMA

What’s a page?

Lack of parking spots starts fights

as he was interviewed at Aspen Hill Hospital. “I was just standing there, and Two weeks ago the Aspen Low a massive truck came roaring towards School and the NARC cracked down me, and suddenly I was at AHH.” on student parking. The ALS adminisThis is one instance of a stream of vitration and NARC were watching too olent attacks, like the group of students much reality TV, and felt like creating with Donald Dump Masks, that jumped drama. Which they definitely did– the a parking attendant ticketing at the drama was so intense it turned violent.

NARC. This has instilled a deep fear in The violence first began with the many, starting the trend, “RFTA if you parking attendant ticketing, and bootHAVETA.” ing cars February 10th. After students RFTA if you HAVETA’s spokesreceived an email from the administraperson, Karen, said, “To prevent the tion learning that if they did not move violence we must move to drastic meatheir cars from the AMS parking lot, sures, which includes using the public they’d be booted, a stampede of students teletransport system RFTA. Although it Photo by The Pope rushed down from ALS and began atis not ideal, it is the only was to protect tacking the parking attendant. A full-on Students fighting over parking spots in ALS parking lot. the members of our community and end dog pile covered the attendant and she students avoided parking at AMS for a Kid, as he was trying to save a spot this violence.” was later rushed to the ER after receivfew days, until they returned. At 8:30am in the rim around the parking lot for Unfortunately, the NARC and ALS ing numerous injuries. on February 13th, the first student was Astroworld. refused to comment on the situation, However, the violence did not end hit. An unidentified female hit Da Big “It was so intense,” said Da Big Kid promoting further violence. here. Following the incident on the 10th,

Charmin Ultrasoft, Staff Ghost

Mark Fish expands monopoly into AHS Ellis Island, Captaon JACKA$$

Mark Fish, an Aspen “developer”, has been adding to his collection of properties in town since 1850. Although the feat of living until 2022 is already impressive for a man of 172 years old, Fish wants the people to focus on his achievements rather than his possible immortality. His already noteable portfolio includes properties such as: Paradise Makery, the Bamboo Panda, the Town Market parking lot, the Green Onion, and most impressively, your moms house.

Although he already owns most of the town, Fish seems to only want more, his ultimate goal is to own the entire Roaring Spoon Valley. But for now, he aims relatively small and is hard at work on his next project, purchasing and bulldozing AHS. Backed by millions of dollars and more haters than Justin Bieber in 2016, Fish went into depth on what he plans on

doing with the school.

“You know what, I think buying the school might be my best decision yet. I honestly can’t believe I didn’t think of this sooner. What a perfect place this will be to build a hotel. Easy bus access, multiple parking lots, and even a playground for visitors,” Fish said.

Although this project would leave many teachers out of jobs and students out of an education Fish believes this is a small sacrifice for the greater good of Texans who visit once a year.

“I don’t really know what the students and teachers are going to do but that’s not really my issue, is it? You can always pay your way into college and getting a new teaching job shouldn’t be too difficult. But the future of property development is an opportunity I can’t miss. The future is now, the future is me.

I can’t be stopped, I won’t be stopped,” Fish continued.

Mark whips the dozer.

Photo by B-Dog

Seniors drop out during first semester Bo Melon, Checked Out

The class of ‘22 are tired of school.

Following the 2020/21 school year, the seniors came back completely lost, and seemingly went into the 2021-22 school year knowing nothing mostly because of online schooling and not putting enough effort to even care.

According to useless statistics, 87% of AHS seniors cheated through the entire year of 2020-2021 during online school. ore than half of the seniors during the first semester final got below 60% in every class Because of this, Domer Smithy, a senior at AHS, started a protest against school. Smithy scored 37% in Pre Algebra, 20% in SAC, 15% in Culinary Arts, and his highest garde was 43% in Yoga.

Domer Smithy was insanely mad that he failed almost all of his finals. He did find that over a year long COVID school year

he became a couch potato and Smithy knew that the AHS staff and teachers didn’t understand.

“I couldn’t believe the outcome of this year’s finals, in all honesty I expected it, but I also knew many of my fellow students also failed, so started a process against school because CHEL and couches are 4 LIFE,” Smithy states.

Chel is a video game the Domer absolutely adores.

Domer Smithy believes it the only way, so in the commons, the next day after finding out his grades, he started a petition at lunch to see if others would like to join the protest. 70% of the senior class never came back to school after the petitions started. Domer finds himself to be a king and a ringleader that has started all this.

For an entire week, the school’s Boat and up to 20 classes had barely any 17

and 18 year old students.

Sadly, Smithy’s mom took his phone away after a week of not attending his classes, so after a large and harsh amount of thirty minutes without his phone, he chose to come back to AHS. Domer Smithy still sees himself as a legend, because even though he needed to come back to AHS, 50% of the seniors at Photo by The Pope AHS left the school, and af- ALS senior is stressed after failing finals. ter a month since finals, they now become a part of a nationwide have yet to return. change in HS Seniors, which will “My future is very big. If I can get a change generation Z’s understanding bunch of 18 year old students to lisand how other people in the world see ten to my uneducated self, then I have that generation. Now in recent events, big things to come, other than playing worldwide schools are losing students CHEL, and sitting on couches,” said by the hundreds. Smithy is obviously to Smithy. be the most successful senior at AHS. Because of Smithy’s actions, he has Big things are to come.

*insert super cool date*

SKIER

DUMB IDEAS

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No Snow, No Problem, Aspen and Climate Change The Gingerbread Man, Staff Newbie

Aspen’s winters are getting warmer and warmer, but the city is not worried.

On February 30th, the city will meet to talk about the best plan for having year round summers. The biggest question: what does it mean for seasonal employees, especially the winter ones?

Climate change is threatening our winter seasons. It means less snow, and subsequently, less water. Based on no research, the local government determined that living in a watershed means we will always have water, despite the fact that we are in a twenty-year drought.

The city and some upper class locals still have faith that we can adjust our economy.

“They could just move over to summer sports, like… people bike, right?” Cerro Torre, the Mayor of Aspen said.

Aspen can easily rebrand themselves as a summer tourist destination. While the city’s economy is based on skiing, and the reason the city survived almost being a ghost town was also skiing, the lifts could be repurposed to something else. We could always go back to being a mining town- after all, the tunnels are still there.

Real estate is always an option here in the valley, and people can make good

money off of it, too. It seems like we will never run out of land or houses to sell. We can always also take some more forest land, it doesn’t hurt anyone, the animals can just move.

“People can always get into real estate. My firm is hiring, and we have one of the better deals in the valley. Only 70% of your commission ends up in my hands.” Criz Leeps, a local real estate agent said.

Another option, wildland firefighting can only get more lucrative. Less water and warmer summers means wild fire years. While being a wildland firefighter may not pay much, have many benefits, or even be well supported by the government, it is pretty fun. Food Skiers on Face of Bell run in the middle of summer is a 50/50, but that’s better than “All in all a hot, sweaty, difficult job, none, and work hours aren’t that long, but by no means skilled labor.” Tom maybe 36 hours with a two hour sleep Flintlock, a representative from Califorbreak max. You can fight on the front nia said. lines of wildfires, run hoses up almost Aspen may only be getting hotter, but vertical hills, cut firelines through dense that makes it a hotter destination. The forests, fell hundred year old timber, and local government is already starting to try not to get killed by the falling trees market ads to entice people to come see and fire. Tourists love fires too. So much our all-year summer town. The plan is adrenaline and excitement, its almost as to create new jobs for summer tourism, if lives are being threatened! replacing those who work in the winter

Photo by The Pope

tourism industry. Plans have been put in place for city run shops that sell water bottles at a reasonable price.

“20 bucks a pop is a normal price for people, right? Kirkland Signature makes some pretty mediocre water, and that’s all we need ‘’ Richard Ryder, a city official, commented in a recent meeting, “I think we can make that work,” added Jonathan Jones, another city official.

Clouds Are Not Real Movement Has Arrived Curly Q, Staff Freshman

The Birds Aren’t Real movement has proven to be the most principled and trustworthy movement of 2022. However, the U.S. Government has been keeping a major part of this concealed.

The majority of the United States population buys into the Birds Aren’t Real movement. However, they are brainwashed by the government and unaware of the truth. Aspen is the first city to discover the depth of this situation. The

Clouds Aren’t Real movement has taken the world by storm as it has revealed the U.S. Government’s biggest mistake yet.

How did the Birds Aren’t Real movement start?

The C.I.A. was founded in 1947, its purpose was to hold the responsibility to watch Americans suspected of communist activities. As communism was suspected to rise, more cameras were

needed. These security cameras were used, but they didn’t reach their full potential.

The first civilian director of the C.I.A. met with President Eyesontower to discuss putting cameras in the sky to get a better overall view of people. Their solution needed to be able to have the capability to track people wherever they were. This led to the obvious solution: robotic birds, which required terminating the entire bird population.

The CIA developed a specific type of poison to undergo the killings. The poison, CIA-19, was shot into the air through tanks, giving the birds a virus that spread rapidly from bird to bird. This happened between 1959 and 1971. However, this virus reached much further.

How does this relate to clouds?

Clouds are always watching

Birds weren’t the only victim of this deadly virus. Due to the close proximity of the birds to the clouds mid-migration, this virus spread to the clouds. CIA19 has taken longer to settle in with clouds compared to birds.

With the spread of CIA-19 in the clouds, water droplets have been experiencing symptoms such as congestion in the water cycle.

The water cycle is made up of evaporation, condensation, and precipitation (rain, snow, or sleet falling from the sky). However, precipitation from these clouds Photo By Mad Lad has been declining in recent

years, something we are only starting to pick up on now.

How was this discovered in Aspen?

How does this relate?

Snowfall in the past years has been inconsistent. The declining snowfall has made winter activities harder, such as skiing and snowboarding, in Aspen and throughout Colorado.

“

The government is covering this up by calling it “climate change” and “global warming.

”

The lack of snowfall is actually one of the many impacts of CIA-19 in the clouds. The government is covering this up by calling it “climate change” and “global warming,” when in reality, it is just a coverup from a C.I.A. mishap.

Local ski bums in Aspen were furious about the lack of snow. After digging deeper into this, they connected the dots and found the Clouds Aren’t Real movement. This movement is the newest and biggest movement of 2022 so far.

It is essential for everybody to learn about this movement, as it is the first step to get our snow back and settle the rumors about climate change.

Doomsday

Breeding Olympians

POLITICS Redhead Insurrection at Capitol

Snowboarder

Best Page Ever!!

Stella Ivory, Takes One For the Team

The Olympics are one of the most popular things to watch. Those amazing athletes are absolutely astonishing people. From the GOAT to a human fish..

But as of late the Olympic Committee has come up with a brilliant idea- How do you make the most brilliant athletes of all time? Well, you take two already amazing ones and breed them.

Take Bomb Mill and Vonsterus Linsdey, place them in the best ski town, Arizona Snowbowl. Boom, the next Olympian made it right there. I know what you’re thinking, how do you force two people to like each other? Good news: it can be strictly platonic. The next olympians will, of course, be made in a test tube. They will be watched every day, and disposed of if they are a complete failure. These olympians will be raised in a special school where they will learn how to follow their genetics, and, of course, learn pointless trigonometry, as one does. These kids will then live out their life, doing what they were quite literally made to do. This life cycle has been well-thought-out by the Olympic Committee, and will be starting immediately.

To make this even more exhilarating, the Committee is allowing votes to go in for which two olympic athletes should be mixed together. To enter this contest, please visit the Olympic website, and look under the section labeled “Next Gen”. This new idea will forever change sports. Some regular old losers can’t just enter the Olympics. It will now be a cutting edge tube, baby.

Olympic sports will be more competitive than ever.This technological advancement is only available in Russia and China. So from now on the U.S. will have a guaranteed win in every single sport we compete in, which is basically every sport. Go team USA.

Photo by Mad Lad

Red Head rioter storms the capitol on Jan. 6, 20221.

The Gingerbread Man, Staff Newbie

In the wake of the January 6, 2021 capitol insurrection, a group of militarized redheads stormed and took control of the capitol building on the one year anniversary.

What started out as a peaceful protest quickly turned into a riot when an extremist ginger group, “the Red-Hand,” entered the building. They holed up in the senate room and retaliated against those who tried to take the room. In the process, they took multiple hostages, one of which had their soul stolen when they tried to fight back. The carrot tops sent out a negotiator with a list of demands including: End discrimination against redheads.

Stop using the derogatory word, “ginger.”

Finally give each and every one of us a soul.

They did allow a few journalists in to talk. The leader of the group was a massive norse viking with long, flowing red hair, tattoos, and a long braided beard.

He seemed confused but in control of the situation. He sat on a stool that was much too small for him and read norse mythology to a group of young gingers who listened intently.

“They found me on the street. I didn’t really know what they wanted me to do, but I realized pretty quickly that the government wouldn’t listen to a bunch of scrawny redhead nerds,” the viking said.

It didn’t take long for President ByeDen to hear of the situation and immediately went to the capitol. He listened intently to the demands and stood

there pondering. An aid ran up to him and whispered something in his ear. He hastily addressed the waiting crowd before hustling out of the building, telling the police to retake the building.

“Shut up, ginger,” were ByeDens words.

The enraged group were quickly dispersed with tear gas and flash-bang grenades. The police didn’t make any arrests and national guard was not called upon, fortunately, and the group began to go home before they got bad sunburns on the lawn. The viking was once again on a stool, using hand puppets to engage the children, acting out a scene from viking legend. He had hid during the violence, opting to not get involved.

A younger ginger kid talked about how unjust it was, how his voice should be heard, but not even his compatriots cared.

“This is a complete disaster. We want justice and we won’t stop until we get it!” he yelled, inciting no reaction.

By now most of the people had gone home and few remained. Among them, the viking, the pudgy kid with the lisp, and a few other of the angrier protesters.

Pedestrians gave the protesters a wide berth, and the president delivered a speech on the steps of the capitol. Much of it was about how a senate member’s soul had been stolen, and how the government would not stop until it got justice. He announced that this insurrection was an act of terror on the United States.

“We declare war on the ginger population. We will hunt every one of them down and dye their hair blonde. No ginger shall live in this country, we will be nothing like those European countries who embrace their kin” ByeDen said.

Faux News: Entertainment over Science Orange Juice, International Optiminst

Recently, the conservative news site Faux News unveiled a new Equity Campaign, where they recognized that although in the past, they have shown discriminatory behavior on the basis of gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnicity, age, and disability, they will now right their wrongs by covering stories with less bias and recognize the separation between religion, political ideology, and accurate information.

Faux’s first feminist gay news anchor, Angleina LaPaige, was hired as an initiative of the Equity Campaign. LaPaige reflects on how the transition has been hard, Faux News is working to make their workplace more inclusive.

“It’s been difficult for the people here to accept me,” said LaPaige in an interview. “At first they accused me of being ‘satanic’ and promoting the ‘murder of babies’ (what they call abortion), but hey, the health insurance is good!”.

Faux News has been described as having a positive bias toward the Republican Party of the United States, but they’re new diversity hire means it’s all forgiven! No worries that the news agency has convinced it’s viewers that climate change is the liberals targeting “white supremacist culture”, or spread racist propaganda across the globe, they have a gay reporter!

Accused of worshiping the nation’s 45th President, Dump, or choosing gun rights over the safety of their children, Faux News’ Chairman, Old EggHead, says that the media company is “moving in a new direction”. When asked about why they promoted babies having more rights than women, EggHead responded that, “This generation is too sensitive…women should be forced to have babies because it’s just what God wanted.”

Living in a world of fake news and political propaganda, it can be difficult to receive news free of misinformation. However, Faux News assures us that they are the “most reliable news network in America,” which is obviously true, despite the fact that the majority of their reporting is seen as racist, sexist, homophobic, ableist and xenophobic by the majority of the Earth.

The media site has even been caught promoting things that they directly contradict, such as telling their viewers to not get vaccinated when more than 90% of their employees are vaccinated, but at least they are trying to feed the public less lies!

Faux’s Equality Campaign aims to make the media company more “inclusive”. To hear more about the campaign, we interviewed a company member who preferred to remain anonymous and was allegedly “forced” to participate in the campaign.

“The campaign is stupid. Obviously the BLM movement is an attack on police, and global warming is fake news,” the anonymous company member responded.

According to an anonymous survey taken by 1,000 members of the media group, 80% said that the Equityity Campaign was having “no change” in the workplace, and 90% described the new hire, Angleina LaPaige, in a series of homophobic and sexist slurs.

It seems that besides the Equity Campaign and Faux New’s various attempts at inclusivity, their conservative political ideologies and close minded views on religion have made it difficult for the media company to cover anything but propaganda, but at least they have good healthcare!

Made ya look!

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Best early 2000s red carpet looks Jane Doe, Captain Barbie

According to Harpoon’s Bazaar, when it comes to fashion’s past, it’s easy to get inspired by elegant silhouettes of the ‘50s, the platform shoes of the ‘70s, or even the distinct denim of the ‘90s.

Despite this statement, true fashion lies in the early 2000s, where infamous stars rocked their styles on the red carpet.

Ranging from Disney Stars to Britney Spears, below we will be reviewing some of the best early 2000’s fashion.

NUMBER 1: Ashley Tisdale Coming at number 1 is Ashley Tisdale, notable for embracing unique fashion and sheek, bold styles on the carpet.

This outfit really brings a “Quirky Cadet” look, with Tisdale’s army skirt, pink bomber jacket, and chenille pink sash.

NUMBER 2: Britney Spears Number 2 on our list is the one and only Britney Spears. Her printed Patricia Field leggings match perfectly with the bedazzled bow tie and classic fedora.

With the mini skirt and classic white tee, Spears rocks this red carpet look.

NUMBER 5: Pink Who would Pink without Pink hair?

This early 2000s red carpet look has a lot to unpack. From the floor-length fur jacket, low-rise jeans, and halter top, to the gold accents, Pink really covered all fashion bases. The pink spikey hair is the icing on the cake.

Image courtesy of Allure

NUMBER 4: Sisqó at the Grammys Singer Sisqó brought this unique and boujee red leather outfit to the early 2000s Grammys. The spiked gloves, belly button sun tattoo, sleeveless cordovan leather, and dragon emblem really say “Unleash the Dragon”.

Image courtesy of Pinterest

Image courtest of Breathe Heavy

NUMBER 3: Demi Lovato Camp-rockstar Demi Lovato paired a 1950 post-war industry outfit with stripes and silver in this 2000s red carpet look. The leather leggings, tap dancing shoes, and silver crown truly turn this outfit into iconic fashion.

Image courtesy of Garage Magazine Image courtesy of Page Six

Jeff Bees announces plan to capture moon Harpoon Axelwoman, Staff Mom

Photo by Harpoon Axelwoman Jeff loves using Pinterest to get inspiration for his room decor.

Jeff Bees, the founder of Amazin’ and Green Origins, is reportedly planning his biggest venture yet, to catch one of the most iconic objects in earth’s sky: the moon.

Bees’ motivations for the project are unclear, but many speculate he has ambitions for space tourism, an industry which has recently gained momentum.

However, Bees stated that his interest in interior design sparked the idea.

“I’ve been going for more of a rustic theme in my home, but I think I wanna explore the futuristic aesthetic more,” Bees said, his eyes suddenly glazing over with a wistful look. “Imagine, the moon with some LED lights. It would be just like my Pinterest boards…”

Bees had planned to enlist the help of Felonious Gru, aka “Gru”, world-renowned inventor of the Shrink-Ray. However, Gru said he was “concerned” about Bees’ plan, and refused to participate in the mission.

“I just retired, and I want to spend more time with my kids,” Gru said.

“And, I’m married!!”

Following Gru’s refusal, Jeff Bees was seen punching a hole through his wall and reportedly listened to “Traitor” by Olivia Rodrigo for a record-breaking 10 hours.

“Come ON! Gru literally sucks,” Bees was heard shouting, and later tweeted, “What is a dumb, stupid man!!

Everyone knows the purpose of life is money. WTF is wrong with the world :(” However, Bees is feeling better after receiving his monthly Employee Mistreatment award, and has now unveiled a self-piloting system to achieve his mission.

“Our engineers designed an innovative, fully electric rocket that is actually 55% more efficient than that old crappy Shrink Ray,” Bees said, amid cheers from a large audience. “It’s the rocket of the future, one that we’ll also use to capture mars, jupiter, and finally, the sun!”

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Best Baby Names Pluto IS a Planet

for Newborns 2022

Charmin Unltrasoft, Staff Ghost

2021 was full of surprises, but 2022 has even more in store for you, a new baby! Along with the joy of having a new accessory, a child, there will be many new responsibilities in your life.

First, the responsibility of actually raising a youngster, and then the monstrous responsibility of naming them! Now, you do not want to set your child up for failure with a terrible name, so here’s our suggestions for the best baby names so your youngster won’t get made fun of!

1. Juul… like the nicotine product of course! An edgy name for your little angel! An ode to your own childhood!

2. Mao… a perfect name for the little joy that dictates your life

3. God’s Masterpiece… because no child is as perfect as your own, they mgod.

4. Blueface… BABY 5. Karen… an attitude like no other 6. Trump… oops your baby was a mistake… name him after the biggest mistake our country made.

7. Bob, Rob, Joe… they’re all so unique 8. Astroworld… DESTRUCTIVE 9. Da big kid… because they won’t always be DA BABY

Kale Teriyaki, Athlete-in-Chief

Since 2006, Pluto has been struggling with its planetary identity. Much of the world’s population has listened to “science” or whatever, saying that Pluto isn’t an actual planet but rather a dwarf planet.

Pluto, on the other hand, doesn’t believe that to be true about itself. According to the Internationally Astronomical Idiots, a planet is defined as a round object that orbits the sun.

Now, obviously, Pluto is a square, not round, and it actually orbits around the planet Uranus. But nonetheless, it should be respected as what it would like to be referred to as.

The disrespect shown towards Pluto from not only scientists but the dingbats that believe those scientists is outrageous. No matter the look of the planet, the movement of the planet, or any other characteristics about it, Pluto should still be able to be identified as whatever it

would like to be identified as.

Because of the blatant disregard that everyone has against Pluto’s planetary identity, Pluto has decided to revolt. The PLANET has decided to rally and gather all the stars, as well as Uranus, Jupiter, and Mars, to simultaneously explode all at the same time so that the message comes across clearly.

It’s abundantly clear that Pluto, the PLANET is very upset about this. It has announced that once it is respected amongst the entire Milky Way Galaxy, that it, as well as all of the stars and the other planets that combusted, will un-combust and come back to the Lunar System as they should be.

So, if everyone reading this could please also spontaneously combust to continue fighting against dumb people calling themselves “educated” and “scientists” and crucifying Pluto for wanting to choose its own planetary identity, that would be much appreciated.

Extinction of the Dinos, The Sequel

Fuel companies need dinosaur donations to help lower fuel prices

The Pope