THE
Established IDK WHEN in WHO CARES WHERE Published: YOU TELL ME What’s School?
ANTIBODY
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AHS student protest against CREW turns violent
Photo by K8lyn O’ham AHS Students rallying out side AHS to violently protest the controversial CREW period. Granola Guthrie and K8lyn O’ham, Staff Hippie and Staff Therapist
On Tuesday, March 30th, during CREW, AHS students frightened the faculty with a violent protest. Three-hundred students gathered on the beach protesting the controversial CREW period. While the protest was intended to be peaceful, the atmosphere
quickly changed when faculty started tear-gassing the students. The leader and organizer of the protest, Johnny Suspicious, has no regrets about the actions on Tuesday. “It’s time to take down the establishment. We are taking a stand so future generations will never know the horrors and atrocities of CREW. Viva la Crewolution!” Suspicious screamed.
Once the protest turned violent, police were quick to arrive at the scene. However, there were still 34 injuries and two deaths. “I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” Aspen police officer Ay Cab said. “It was barbaric: teachers and students attacking each other like animals. That day will forever haunt me.” ASD board member, Peach Colton,
was furious with the students. She was one of the first board members to bring out the rabid dogs that live in the maze. “CREW is the pride and joy of AHS. It holds all the American values we cherish, and these kids trying to take that away makes me SICK. Make AHS great again,” Colton said.
Editors’ Note: The purpose of this Skier Scribbler satire issue is simply to entertain and talk about issues facing our community and world in a funny way. This paper is not intended to offend, and we hope that you reach out to us on our website if you find content problematic. That being said, we hope you enjoy this issue of the AntibodyExposé! We skiin’!
April Fools
SENIOR SADNESS
Prom 2021: a pandemic party!
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AHS seniors diagnosed with serious disease Granola Guthrie, Staff Hippie
Photo by WoahKinney An artist rendition of a possible AHS Prom depicts students dressed in Hazmat suits. WoahKinney, Grammar Enthusiast
Seniors of AHS, let’s get excited! Prom season is right around the corner, and with the approaching festivities drawing nearer every day, the Antibody Exposé is here to provide all the information you might need to get down without coming down with COVID-19! The venue of this year’s prom is unprecedented, surprisingly enough. Much to the excitement of head girl Space Romeo, Prom 2021 will be held on the brand new AHS turf! “We are super lucky to have gotten this location, as it is usually booked by middle schoolers playing kickball,” Romeo told the Antibody Exposé, “When the school spent millions of dollars on a wood chip turf, we were all a bit confused, but now it makes sense! The wood chips will make the perfect dance floor for anyone hoping to wear heels.” The location is not the only thing promised to be unique about Prom 2021. The actual dancing itself is facing a few revisions, as a sweaty mosh
pit isn’t actually COVID safe, prom chairwoman Lauren Reeses Pieces shared with the Skier Scribbler. “We’ve had a lot of questions regarding why, for example, the basketball team is allowed to breathe on each other and jump around but students at a dance are not. While I do not have an answer for this, I do have some fun suggestions for social distanced dancing,” Reeces Pieces said. These ideas are as follows: a TikTok dance competition, where each competitor must demonstrate their Renegade in a video that will play on screens for all students to watch or 150 separate “Dance, Dance, Revolution” machines, and the student with the highest score wins a Small Wrap gift card. Another idea gaining traction is line dancing, much like seniors learned how to on fourth grade Pioneer Day. Yee Haw! Of course, as the typical place and format have been modified, there will have to be an inevitable change to Prom wardrobes. Sarah StraussHotDog and the AHS administration are hoping
students will not break the bank and go out to purchase extravagant dresses and suits for the event. “It is our hope that students come to the event dressed in loungewear; tie dye sweat suits, the t-shirts that works for online school or pajamas, and even dreadfully unwashed hair are all encouraged. We know this is the first time that some people have left their homes in months, so we want the event to be as comfortable for students as possible,” StraussHotDog explained. “In fact, if you are thinking of going out and purchasing a nice outfit for the evening, please instead consider donating that money to the Prom committee to pay for the event…” No matter what happens, Prom 2021 promises to be an entertaining night. Keep your eyes peeled for Prom court nominees to be announced, as well as information regarding who the DJ will be; it is rumored that the School Board might spring for Pandora Premium instead of a human being! We can’t wait to see you all there!
The realities of dating during COVID-19 Orange Juice, Fresh Squeezed
I am a Snapchat boy that’s bored over quarantine, and I will dazzle you with my amazing face and features. Photo #1 This is my face. It looks like this. As you can see, I have used the ‘mocha’ filter to amplify my attractiveness to females. I wear a beanie with only a tuft of my soft coffee-brown hair sticking out, and I look extra-appetizing. I smile at you to show I am happy and that if you choose to date me, I can make you happy. See my blue eyes, my soft hair, my clean, tan skin. Admire it all, and then snap me back because I will block you if you leave me opened or unopened, for that matter. Photo #2 As you may have guessed, my looks
do not end at my face. Here is a mirror selfie, so that you can see my beautiful abdomen. An abdominal is very important when proving my attractiveness. I wear shorts for you to show how I am beautiful and robust, using the ‘green screen’ filter. The filter means nothing, as I am just as beautiful without it. The filter does not clear my acne-filled face, as it is already glowing and clean. This filter does not, I promise you, change my facial shape or structure, as it is already perfect, and my jawline looks just like this in real life. With my sculpted face and 12-pack, rock-hard abdominal, I will protect you from the snow and cold and hold you in my firm, tan, beautiful arms. Unless you ghost me, in which case I will spread horrible rumors about you and tell everyone that you’re pregnant...
and that you have COVID. Photo #3 I now send you a black screen, as you have failed to snap me back within 2 hours. This screen is black as it represents the darkness of my soul and the sadness you have caused me by not immediately snapping me back. This is your punishment, as this photo lacks the beauty of my abdominals or jawline. You cannot see me at all because I am now dead inside, only a dark soul. After you open this, I will not snap you back as you no longer deserve to see how beautiful I am. These photos do not show how I have no life and simply lay in my bed, but that I am a complicated and complex work of art that will soon appear on the cover of a Gamefemale magazine when I am of age.
Scientists from across the globe are studying a new phenomenon occurring for seniors at AHS. Hundreds of expert scientists from Harvard, Oxford, and Stanford have fled to Aspen to study what has recently been nicknamed, Couchpotatoitis. Seniors at AHS had missed the last quarter of their junior year and most of their senior year up to this point because of COVID, and the effects are beginning to show. Fancy college scientist, Smarty Pants, is extremely concerned about the side effects of Coachpotatoitis. “I’ve seen students who have not seen the light of day in months. Their eyes have literally flattened out
Photo by Granola Guthrie AHS senior, De Pressed, three weeks after being diagnosed with Couchpotatoitis.
because of all the screen time. Their mouths are permanently slack jawed. These students have lost all ability to properly communicate. It’s frightening,” Pants said. Couchpotatoitis is caused by a repetitive and low event filled lifestyle, oftentimes associated with Fear Of Missing Out (FOMO) and low expectations. The symptoms include deformities to the eyes and smile, improper communication, depression, anxiety, restlessness, hallucinations, weight gain, and laziness. AHS student, De Pressed, is one of the seniors diagnosed with Couchpotatoitis. Pressed used to be an active member in the school, participating in multiple clubs, varsity sports, and school events. However, Pressed has not left his house in three months. “I have lost all sense of time in space. What’s my purpose in life? Is this all a sick joke? I miss the human touch,” Pressed said. *After the interview De Pressed was sent to a special facility because of concerns of the interviewer.*
HAHAHAHA
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AHS students secretly love CREW New lunch club opens in Aspen
Photo by WoahKinney Photo byK8lyn O’ham AHS students marveling at the wonder that is CREW. Kayla Teriyaki, Staff Money Maker
Contrary to popular belief, students have loved CREW right from the start. From the moment the administration announced the new addition to the schedule, students have been very excited to attend CREW meetings. The purpose of CREW is to bring students around AHS together to create meaningful relationships with each other over Zoom. As expected, CREW has become extremely popular. Every single student in the school has shown up to every one of their meetings, and all love the program. Every student believes they have created some of the best friendships of their lives. Aha Chiller, a senior at AHS, finds CREW to be the most productive part of her day. “CREW is not only the most useful class, but also the most fun! I look forward to it every week, and I definitely do not find it to be a waste
of time in any way, shape or form,” Chiller sais. Even though students love CREW, teachers aren’t so passionate about the program. Timbah Cymbal, AHS english teacher, belives that there are better ways to spend that time. “Students could be catching up on assignments, having time to talk to their teachers, getting service hours. I could be grading papers, making agendas for class, ANYTHING besides CREW,” Cymbol said. Teachers and students have very diverse opinions about CREW, and Sarah Strausshotdog, AHS principal, is conflicted about what to do about it. “I get where the teachers are coming from with their complaints, but I love that the students are such a fan of CREW. I wish the staff and students could just agree so I could figure out what the heck to do with CREW,” Strosshotdog said.
AHS students eating lunch with Guy Fieri in secret Speakeasy. Harp Axman, Staff Axman
Since the new AHS lunch system of eating by grade level or classes has been implemented, AHS students have found a new place to eat lunch with their friends, a secret location unknown to the public. This secret location, known as the best Speakeasy in Aspen, has many rumors circulating about what it really is, and where it could be. Locals speculate that international criminal Sirius Black is hiding in this mysterious place. An anonymous student has offered an exclusive interview with the Antibody Exposé, but the student asks readers to keep this spot a secret, as the Speakeasy is currently under 22 lawsuits from the CIA, for “Seeing friends” and “Selling hot dogs instead of hamburgers”. The Antibody Article reached out to the CIA, but they were too busy robbing skis from the AVSC clubhouse and were unavailable for comment. Walking into this secret place, its tiled walls look similar to a bathroom. However, many say it is a luxury to eat here and have fallen in love with its uncon-
ventional setting. Despite its secret identity, the Bathroom Speakeasy has gained worldwide recognition. The judges of Food Network show ‘Chopped’ commented that the food was “the best I’ve ever had,” sparking controversy and outrage among other Aspen restaurants such as Cash Cash. Now, Dude Fire’s hit show Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives will feature the bathroom as a Drive-In cafe. “It’s a funky location but I dig it. We’re goin’ to FLAVORTOWN!!” Fire said. Fire then sped away in his red convertible and crashed into the front doors of AHS, causing over one billion dollars in property damage. The Speakeasy has become so popular that it has caused many restaurants in Aspen to go out of business, including Small Wrap and the Moonbucks franchise, and all toilets and sinks in AHS will now be removed to allow for expansion. “The food is better than the cookies at the cafe,” an AHS junior said. “I mean, what else can I say?”
AHS teachers in shock when students put their cameras on K8lyn O’ham, Staff Therapist
Thursday at 9 am, AHS students joined their virtual classes with their cameras on and, to the surprise of AHS teachers, kept them on throughout the day. AHS principal Sarah Strasshotdog attributed the situation to the semester two camera policy. “I’m so proud that our camera policy works...two months after its enactment,” StrassHotDog said. Kiffor Iceberg, an AHS math teacher,
had not seen a student’s face since the start of the school year. When his class joined with their cameras on, he passionately sang “Hallelujah” with tears of joy streaming down his face. “It was a miracle. I never thought I would see the day,” Iceberg said, still crying tears of joy. “You never realize how much you miss human interaction until it’s gone.” AHS senior, Camea Ron, has not turned on her camera all school year
despite the camera policy. She joined her math class Zoom call with her camera on accidentally. “I was about to turn it off, but I saw my math teacher crying and singing, so I kept it on,” Ron said. AHS science teacher, Travis Less, was astounded by the situation and tried to enjoy it while it lasted. “It was surreal. I didn’t even know what half of my students looked like. I tried to take it all in while I could,” Less
said. AHS sophomore Lenny Cameron turned his camera on out of pity. “I don’t know what possessed me to do it. I think I felt bad,” Cameron said. Although having cameras on brought unbridled joy to AHS teachers, many students will not partake in the activity again. “It was nice to see my teachers so happy, but I’m definitely going to have my camera off tomorrow,” Ron said.
NEWS Timbah ecstatic with new walls for classroom made ya look!
Granola Guthrie, Staff Hippie
Next week, AHS English teacher, Timbah Cymbal, will finally get walls for his ‘classroom’. With Cymbal’s current set up in the commons, surrounded solely by bulletin boards, the sound of his classroom echoes throughout the school. One can hear his teachings of “To Kill a Mockingbird” all the way from the science wing. Sarah StraussHotDog, AHS principal, loves the wall-less setup for Timbah, and would like to keep it permanent. “We told everyone Timbah had to have a temporary classroom because of COVID, but the reality is last year he stole my ham sandwich out of the faculty lounge and this was my revenge. I put him right outside the commons in the main hallway, it’s hilarious. Sometimes, when I know his class is focused, I throw gum and thumbtacks over the bulletin boards, or I get students to run by screaming and laughing,” Strauss-
SKIERs don’t read
HotDog said. “Turns out, a classroom without walls is ‘uncomfortable,’ so students started fundraising for new walls. I think they’re just being whiny, I mean, I think this is a good setup for Timbah permanently.” When students presented Cymbal with the fundraise-earned money for new walls, he broke down in tears of joy. Cymbal had been keeping a brave face this year, but the struggles of his unconventional classroom had gotten to him. “I’m honestly ecstatic to get walls for my classroom. This year has been really hard to teach without a classroom. But it’s totally fine, I don’t mind not having privacy or sanity,” Cymbal said. “I had to go to the school nurse a couple times to get gum out of my hair, one time somehow a thumbtack went right into my cheek, but otherwise it’s been manageable. I can’t wait to get walls,” said Cymbal.
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Artist rendering of Cymbal’s new classroom setup!
Secret vaccination ring uncovered in maze out of Celty Fritter’s office. “Hey Fitter what happened, is everything ok?” Strasshotdog said concerned that every athlete in the building had somehow injured themself. “Uhhh yeah...ok ok if I’m being completely honest I got tired of being down in the basement and could use the extra money so I’ve been changing kids $10 to get a COVID vaccine,” Fritter said. Strasshotdog was taken back. “Well, I have to report this,” Strasshotdog said. But Fritter wouldn’t let that happen. “Wait, think about it, kids getting vaccinated plus, I know we could all use the extra cash,” Fritter said. “Ok I have a plan,” Strasshotdog said. Strasshotdog began to pull kids out of class for a ‘mandatory talk,’ but little did the teachers know that they were getting vaccinated in the maze. Hours are Monday- Friday 9:00-3:00, it is first come first serve. Photo by WoahKinney Strausshotdog celebrated finding the sight above by reciving a vaccine. Ava Thornbush, Proud Procrastinator
BREAKING NEWS! Students have disappeared from their classes with no hint as to where they have gone. After requesting a bathroom break, students neglected to return to their classes, but where they escaped is a mystery. Sarah Strasshotdog, the principal at Aspen High School, has received many complaints from teachers about increasing student tardies and absences. Strasshotdog, an ex-CIA agent, decided to take her investigative skills to crack the riddle of this oddity. She checked all the obvious places - the bathroom stalls, the cafe, and even Small Wrap, but had no luck. Like any detective, she left the most obvious location for last, like-
ly because she was avoiding going down there. With a lump in her throat and bird seeds in hand, she tiptoed her way down to the maze. Leaving a bird seed trail behind to help her find her way back, Strasshotdog checked the trash cans along the way for any evidence, finding hundreds of masks. After cautiously turning past one of the maze walls, she nearly ran into a long line of students overflowing
time is a construct
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Bono’s secret plotting revealed Hannah Colorado, Except the Blonde is Not a Wig
From his searing insults to his effortless ability to leave a chef in tears, many cower at the fiery-tempered chef, Gordon Rumsey- but not AHS culinary teacher Chris Bonocheese. It was recently discovered that Bonocheese and his Prostart team have been conspiring against Gordon Rumsey to surpass him as the world’s best chef. On Monday, March 1st, AHS business teacher Steve Sandman was walking towards the science wing when he overheard, “Haha, now YOU will be the idiot sandwich,” echo from the school kitchen. Intrigued, he followed the sound to see Bonocheese aggressively preparing several extravagant dishes. “He was on a roll,” Sandman said. “Bono was Bonocheese smiles innocently as he prepares for the demise of Rumsey. preparing a beef wellington him ‘what’s up’, and Bonocheese just started.” dish while also crafting an enormous, smiled mischievously and said ‘just According to the anonymous source, layered Amish pie. While I stood there, cooking up somethin,’” Sandman said. Bonocheese had traveled to Japan and marveling at his dishes, I also listened to The mystery of Bondocheese’s “misused the ski company as a disguise to his words, which were definitely not as sions” to surpass Rumsey were soon seek the finest Wagyu beef for Gordon tasteful as his food.” revealed. Bonocheese has actually been Rumsey’s favorite dish, Beef Wellington. According to Sandman, Bonocheese plotting his triumph over Rumsey since Bonocheese didn’t stop with the was ranting about surpassing Gordon 2016 when he started his skiing comWagyu beef. In 2018, AHS’s FBLA club Rumsey. Some things overheard by pany in Japan. A source, which would traveled to Baltimore for Nationals, and Sandman were, “all of this hard work, all prefer to remain anonymous, has kept Bonocheese drove the club three hours of my missions... I am ready to take that the secret of Bonocheese’s missions until to Pennsylvania for “Pennsylvania Dutch Scottish chef’s place,” and “who’s the now. Shoofly Pie,” an infamous Amish pie. master chef now, Rumsey.” Confused, “I traveled to Japan as a member of Cherry Smith, the other FBLA chaperSandman asked Bono about his mutterBono’s powder skiing company,” anonone, recalls the pie hunt. ing. ymous said. “We all thought he had just “I honestly thought he just really “So I walked into the kitchen to ask retired, but in reality, he was just getting wanted to taste this famous Amish pie. It
Photo courtesty of Food Network
turns out he drove us there to taste it and decipher the secret recipe for it. I don’t even know if it was actually Amish,” Smith said. Although it remains unclear when Bonocheese will take on Rumsey, Bonocheese’s secret efforts to surpass Rumsey have been revealed. “Oh, so the Beef Wellington and Amish pie are all a part of this plot of his, haha. I will have my popcorn and camping chair ready to watch Bono take on Rumsey. It will be a hell of a show,” Sandman said.
ProStart team makes school lunches Michelin Star quality Stef Woah Check, Staff Superwoman
After guest speaker Gordon Rumsey visited Chris Bonocheese’s ProStart class, the dining experience at AHS has improved immensely. Though AHS’s addicting cookies and legendary chicken curry never go unappreciated, students have made the AHS cafeteria one of the best restaurants in town. Though many students have experienced Rumsey’s intense culinary criticism, the rest of AHS is benefiting with the full course meals now offered. Some students have decided to stay full time in the kitchen instead of attending class. Sarah Strasshotdog, the president of AHS, is thrilled about the changes to the dining experience and is even considering opening the school to the public as a restaurant. “The kids have done something really great here,” Strasshotdog said.
“I don’t even care that students are ditching class. I think it’s time we open AHS up to be more than just a school and show the world what food should really taste like,” AHS student and regular customer, Chloe Summerfield, has been caught smuggling leftovers from her meal into her backpack for her afternoon classes. “It’s just such good food I can’t survive Steve Sandman’s class without it. Plus I think it should be shared with everyone. Hopefully the ProStart team will start catering our school events,” Summerfield said. One of the ProStart cooks, Chef Hank Swooney, is so excited to be able to share his gift with the entire school. “It’s really great that everyone loves our food. I’m just thankful that I can do what I love and still graduate from high school. Pancakes
for all of my teachers usually keeps my grade high enough,” Swooney said. After a few months of training the ProStart team, Rumsey returned to test out the students’ widely discussed success. He mentioned in an interview with the Antibody Exposé that he gave these chefs a 5 star Michelin rating, and that’s on the 3 star scale! AHS is so proud of these young cooks, and a special thank you goes to Bonocheese who gave the staff and students the dining experience they deserve.
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Lack of subs leaves students alone in classrooms
Harp Axman, Staff Axman
SATIRE--Due to the shortage of substitute teachers in ASD, the administration has been forced to leave students alone in classrooms. However, in many AHS classes, there has been chaos, leading to controversy over the decision to leave students without a teacher, and ASD has been forced to seek police intervention. In the ProStart cooking class, students were found cooking bread, but unfortunately made a mistake on the recipe, adding too much yeast. The bread rose to the size of a school bus and filled the classroom. “This bread is a national weapon, worse than any nuclear bomb. We need to arrest these students immediately,” President ByeDen said Thursday. “They are a danger to our country.” In Aviation, students took off in the Diamond D-40 planes used for flight training, flying to Australia. “We took a snorkeling trip to the Great Barrier Reef,” said AHS student Pilot Peter Pilot. “But I got stung by a Portugese man o’ war.” Famed astronaut Lou Legstrong tweet-
ed that AHS students were “his biggest inspiration” after flying across the world. Peter responded with a laughing emoji and blocked Legstrong, calling him “another dumb spam acount”.
“This is the most incredible play I have seen in my life,” Hamilton star Tin Man Miranda said. Miranda then broke into song. “Let it go, let it go, turn away
Photo by Sarah Ward AHS students causing chaos in the classroom while there are no teachers.
In Literature and Composition, students acted out the entire Othello book, creating a 4 hour long movie that garnered the attention of Broadway stars.
and slam the door!” In Spanish class, students learned Italian from the app Duolingo, but were later arrested after mispronouncing the
word Prego (you’re welcome) as “you’re pregnant.” “This is why I never let my students use translators. You see what happens?” AHS Spanish teacher Salad Bregginelli said. AHS has voiced regrets over the chaos of the past week, and has offered a higher pay rate for substitute teachers by selling pirated recordings of the Othello play. “I am sincerely sorry for what happened this week,” AHS principal Sarah Strasshotdog said on the Snowboard TV broadcast. “We need more subs. If you sub, you can even have the giant bread.” With this offer, over 2 million people have now applied to be a substitute teacher at AHS. However, a national emergency has been declared due to the riots caused by people fighting over the giant bread loaf. “Everyone, it is ok, I have the answer to all of our problems,” President ByeDen said. ByeDen then held up a poster that read “Be Calm and Bread on,” leading to world peace.
Top 10 things to do in a breakout room Chasrmin, Ultra Soft
Ever find yourself in a breakout room, practically scratching your eyes out due to boredom. Does your partner have their camera off? Are you even participating? Most likely not. If you ever find yourself in a situation like this here are ten most effective ways to make the most out of the dreaded breakout room.
2) Cook a five course meal. Learn to cook or watch the Great British Baking Show, it’s something to keep you occupied.
1) Redecorate your room. There’s nothing better than good ambience.
4) Learn a new language. We all want to be bilingual.
3) Learn how to paint. Follow a Bob Ross or a North West tutorial! They’re easy!
5) Take a trip. You can send your breakout room part ner a postcard!
6) Get a degree. Use your brain a little, you’re clearly not using it in this breakout room. 7) Climb mount everest. The climb up isn’t as excruciating as this breakout room. 8) Write a book. Write an autobiography about your life, it can’t be any more boring than this
breakout room.
9) Become famous. The person in your breakout room doesn’t want to listen to you, but the world might. 10) Become a professional sports player. Burn some calories and become a pro you’ve got the time Bonus 11. Introduce yourself to your breakout room group. In a virtual world, real world connections are so important. Just kidding that’s too difficult!
Money Laundering 101, a new elective for highschoolers
13[renon]: Token Male
As the school year is coming to an end, new classes are available for the fall of 2021, students are eager to select classes that have never been offered before that provide useful skills for the success for each student. One of the new classes which has some parents worried, Money laundering 101 is a year long course that teaches students the most efficient and effective ways when laundering money. Money laundering is a way many illegal businesses, such as drug trafficking, turn profits from illegal sales into cash that can be used without suspicion. The course looks at different examples of money laundering; from restaurants to laundromats, students will learn about the act of putting dirty money back into the system. The new course has some backlash after
parents complain that the course Is “inappropriate for a school setting.” Due to the increase in Artificial intelligence many have lost their job and businesses are struggling. With financial support from drug lords making millions of dollars weekly, this could be the answer to struggling businesses. Aspen high school’s very own business teacher Steve sandman made a comment as to why this class was put in order in the first place. “Illegal businesses will be around forever, with the consistent income from illegal activity, the need for more experts in money laundering is needed now more than ever.” Sandman explained Despite the repercussions, money laundering 101 is set to be a new course for the year of 2021-2022.
Money falling from a washing machine
Photo by Pope Hannah
who knows what year it is?
Very Serious NEWS
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The real story behind Biden makes White House an animal shelter Torre’s missing last name Aha Chiller, Queen of Naps
Pres. ByeDen’s administration has introduced new infrastructure to America since his inauguration and one of these new changes is his animal shelter. After his two rescued dogs took the internet by storm, he decided to make a bold yet wise decision to redesign the entire White House into an animal adoption shelter. So far, the changes have been met with controversy. Some argue that the animal shelter is a sign of goodwill and benefits the environment, others argue that the animal shelter is a step too far. A White House employee was available for an exclusive interview where they took a strong stance on Pres. Byeden’s newfound hobby. “Honestly I don’t know what’s going on anymore. They don’t clean up after the dogs here and there’s no kennels, so they just run free. Recently we started taking cats in, too, but that’s caused more issues. The dogs and the cats are constantly fighting,” AyhEight Dawgs said. “It’s worse than a mismanaged daycare full of lactose intolerant toddlers drinking milk!” Despite the mixed messages from the public, Pres. ByeDen released a press statement defending his decisions.
“I understand some people may be concerned, but I believe that this animal shelter will not only benefit the working class but America as a whole,” Pres. ByeDen said. Dogg GonIt, A Donald Dump supporter also commented on the new developments at the White House. “This is a violation of my human rights!” GonIt said. “I mean, this is just another democratic ploy from the liberals to brainwash our dogs, domesticate the good American people in this country, and kill everything good in the world!” Pres. ByeDen did actually forget he had transformed the White House into a new animal shelter for nearly a week and finally hopped on Tweeter to address his mistake. “I’d like to apologize to my employees, colleagues, and friends,” Pres. ByeDen stated. “I totally dropped the ball, my b.” The story will continue to develop over time. As of now, the internet has begun to cancel the term “animal shelter,” calling it “offensive” and “demeaning.” Updates still to come.
Photo By WoahKinney The White House is overrun with dogs and animal feces. Gross.
Texas is cold- compare to us! Pope Hannah, pop a choccy milk
Freezing cold temperatures have taken over the state of Texas. Many residents are losing power and freezing water is bursting pipes. Reports are saying the temperatures were as low as 20 to 30 degrees. Which is in the lower half of Alaska. All the while Colorado residents enjoy the evenings in shorts while in negative degree weather. When comparing Texas and Colorado- its unimpressive to Colorado residents. According to Coloradinsarebetter.net We can see that our temperatures and cold weather outmatch Texas. “Not to mention we are well equipped with plows and take the right precautions when dealing with weather- we obviously still do it better than texas.” Coloradans are ignored when it comes to these extreme temperatures. It is insulting to see everyone on the news get so surprised at just 20 degrees.
Take a look at our state! The coldest historical temperature in our state was in 1985 which was at -61 degrees. We aren’t complaining about the cold or if our water will freeze. Yet, during the freezing months in Texas people fled to motels or out of the state to escape the cold. And in the days after power outages and frozen water (because that’s what water does in cold temperatures), the state had been hit by a large snow storm. Making the roads icy and dangerous. Of course here in Colorado- you just need to slap on a good coat and have a good set of tires. Freezing cold temperatures cause people to flee and panic as peoples’ houses become igloos. Us Coloradins rarely get any kind of recognition for our frigid winter months. But I suppose we should give the poor state some credit, because if Colorado wanted Texans to ski they would have made bull crap white.
WoahKinney, Staff Grammar Enthusiast
Mono. Chair. Unclean. Such celebrities are a sampling of a diverse, successful, fascinating group, united by one common factor; these superstars only need one name for instant global recognition. One Aspen local attempting to join this group is doing so in a bit of an unconventional manner: becoming the Mayor of Aspen. Mayor Maury arrived in Aspen as a young man looking for the women Photo By WoahKinney Maury celebrates his saving of time after only signthat flock like salmon, as well as a roommate to split his $10,000/month ing a contract with one name. rent with. Quickly realizing just how Co and moved into what he believed poorly structured CAPCHATHEMONwould be an easy way to gain stardom: EY was, Maury did what any twenlocal government. ty-something would do when coming “The whole idea [of municipal office] to Aspen to make money. He became just seemed so fabulous. I love the long a ski instructor, Aspen Extreme style, hours of public comment from Bee and worked his way up to only teaching Mulcahy, and honestly, since people high-end, champagne-at-Cloud-Ninedon’t really believe in democracy and-having-to-take-a-sled-down clients. anymore, getting elected was as easy One client in particular, however, truly as ever! Once in office, I decided that captured Maury’s attention. I was definitely a household name and “One day, I arrived at the base of Ajax that a surname was no longer needed, as to meet my client. You may recognize people definitely pay attention to local them by their famous songs “Boxanne” politics!” Maury said. or “Message in a Takeout Box.That’s Maury believes that his life has truly right, I was teaching Bing himself,” become better since he became part of Maury said. the first-name-gang. Although Bing was far from a natural “As my one-named icon Mergie once at skiing and found it to be quite cold sang, everything can be G-L-A-M-O-Rskiing in a distressed v-neck t-shirt, O-U-S if you stop wasting time signing Maury was starstruck. multiple names on legal documents,” “The way he carried himself was Maury said. astounding. It was like it was Bing’s Whether or not Maury is actually world and we were all just living in it. an acclaimed, mono-named celebrity After watching him whip through signis still up for debate, however. The ing autographs because he only had to Antibody Exposé spoke to several of write one name, I decided that I needed Maury’s constituents about this topic. to be able to do the same. I wanted the “Who?” a confused passerby asked single name fame,” Maury shared. when questioned about Maury. “I’m With his new life purpose decided, sorry, I simply do not follow local Bing quit his job at the NoSkiForFreeelections.”
End of COVID 2071
ANTIBODY
NEWS
Does anyone read this far?
Health CARE saves patients from medical debt despair amputation of his right one. With overcrowded hos“It’s cheaper and faster. pitals and lack of medical Sure, I’ll miss my leg, but supplies due to the pandemic, totally worth it,” Armstrong many are now opting out of said. traditional health care and Dr. Apple Day, the head are turning to the back alley surgeon at Health CARE, medical clinic, Health CARE. joined the clinic staff after a Health CARE allows violent fight over a scalpel at patients to receive fast and her previous job. She enjoys affordable medical care saving lives at an affordable in 30 minutes or less. Due rate every day. to its rapid nature, Health “The hospitals are a war CARE avoids overcrowding zone. Doctors fight over venand promotes cost-effective tilators and medical supplies, treatments. and patients are thrown out CEO of Health CARE, Ed on the streets to make space. Wrestler, founded the clinic I found solace at Health after an emotional breakdown CARE. People are in and out at General Hospital. in less than 30 minutes. Ev“At the Health CARE eryone is happy,” Day said. clinic, we value your time Cap Italism, CEO of all and money and offer the best hospitals in the United back-alley medical care in the States, is vehemently against U.S.,” Wrestler said. Health CARE. Brooke Pupil, a broke “We have the best darn college student, was treated health care in the world! at the Health CARE clinic for This is America- people COVID-19. who complain are just lazy Photo by K8lyn O’ham and need to work harder to “I’m pretty sure the treatment gave me the new strain Health CARE doctors informing a patient that they transplanted a cow heart instead of a human one during hip surgery. afford it. It is a privilege to go was my last resort,” Pupil said. “Gotta patient, went to the clinic seeking of COVID, but honesty, I thousands of dollars in debt medical attention for a torn ACL on his don’t have health insurance, and I wasn’t love capitalism.” for a health issue you have no control Legolas Armstrong, a Health CARE left leg, which promptly resulted in the about to drown in even more debt, so it over,” Italism said. K8lyn O’ham, Editor & Chief
A0C spawns absolutely feral internet cult
Photo courtesy of lord and savior A0C On her rise to fame, A0C and her followers are gearing up to retake the country and save the world!
Aha Chiller, Queen of Naps
Alexander Occasional-Quartz supporters have hit the internet with the same enthusiasm as elementary school students who have been told they can win a $4 hat in exchange for raising hundreds
of dollars for their school. Her fans have gone absolutely feral and have formed subcultures online to discuss, theorize, and create conspiracy theories. In an exclusive interview, devout supporter of A0C, Brian Washed, spoke about their newest theory that A0C will
actually become president on April 1st. This theory has been supported because April 1st marks the same day the House overruled Andrew Johnson’s veto on the Civil Rights Bill of 1866. “Look, okay. It all makes perfect sense,” Washed said, “A0C will rise to power and take over the country. It’s what needs to be done. We already know that there’s some underground trafficking ring for rare mushrooms, only found in Italy, and A0C is going to stop it!” In regards to the underground mushroom trafficking ring, A0C has not taken a definitive stance on the issue. In an interview with the Core Upt Press, Occasional Quartz was asked directly about the situation. “I don’t know much about the movement besides that they like me very much,” Occasional-Quartz said. “I heard that these are people that really love our country!” Despite internet movements and protests around the country against A0C, her followers continue to support her. There have been two impeachments held that called for her resignation from her current place as the U.S. Representative for New York’s 14th Congressional District. However, she still is hoping to overthrow the current government and Make Young Americans Strong Soon (MYASS). The story will continue to develop over time, but hopefully Americans come to a general agreement through peace and communication.
Goverment seizes COVID-19 vaccines
13[renon], Token Male
Due to high demand of the new COVID-19 vaccine, a clinic in Georgia was raided by armed military forces after low priority locals were vaccinated. The remaining vaccines were seized and the clinic was shut down. Other raids occurred in the area to retrieve the vaccines that were given against the government’s will. Teachers, local business owners, and other community members were dragged out of their homes and work places to DC to undergo a procedure that removes as the vaccine from their bloodstreams. Eye witness Methuselah Richard shared his experience. “I was driving, and I heard sirens behind me, so I pulled over,” Richard said. “Military vehicles sped past to one of the cars in front of me. The armed officers broke the windows and dragged people out of the car. It was truly horrific.” The idea of removing the vaccine spawned from a tweet government officials read on twitter saying, “If you hang people by their toes [due to the density of the vaccine to blood ratio] you can expel from the temple the vaccine by extracting it with a needle.” Scientists discovered despite the backing evidence, the theory of removing the vaccine was not only impossible but unnecessary. Several lives were lost during this process but the officials who ordered the raids compensated the families with $50 starbucks gift cards as an apology for the inconvenience.
Apocalypse 2023
REAL
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Basket- Rona puts a spin Colleges choose students with Hunger on COVID lunches Games competition
Photo by Swag Money AHS students at lunch partake in a COVID- safe Basketball game, always making sure to keep their masks up and sanitizing before every pass, shoot, or dribble!
Swag Money, Staff Freestyle Rapper
Photo by WoahKinney This year’s seniors at the Hunger Games ceremony alongside the districts. Stef Woah Check, staff breakdancer Beyond basic survival, students will
As if testing, essay writing, and interviewing wasn’t enough work, students will now be assessed on their survival skills with the first ever College Acceptance Hunger Games (CAHG) to simplify the decision process. Each group of colleges is joining a different district, with Ivy leagues representing the Capitol, and online colleges representing District 12. Students with outstanding performances, with the help of sponsorships of course, will receive their acceptance letters from higher districts shortly after their victory. Though in past years the Hunger Games have been known for the brutal rule of “one survivor only,” The Global Board of Education has decided to give everyone a shot at a postgraduate education, especially given this year’s circumstances.
be tasked with completing intense mind games, defeating three headed dogs and other violent creatures, and sheltering from highly destructive weather. Each student is an enemy to the other, meaning no dramatic love story like that of District 12 legends Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark. However, there would be little surprise if the District 12 winners of this year end up just as successful as the Capitol winners. The winner of this year’s Hunger Games does not get to dictate the future of the other competitors, your fate is in your own hands. Best of luck to these fierce competitors, and if you are interested in watching the broadcasted version of this thrilling event, please subscribe to MeTube Premium.
School during COVID is nothing short of a crisis. What counts as socially distancing or not? Of course the new 3-foot spacing between desks in class is completely safe for students and teachers because why should a sneeze travel six feet, let alone three? The best time of day, according to sophomores at AHS, is lunch. Going outside and getting fresh air is too much of a hassle for most, so eating in the gym in one space all together is the smartest and easiest solution! The lack of windows really allows COVID to stay in the air just a tad bit longer so they are all able to catch the virus in time before they finish eating. John Doe, a student attending in-person learning, gives his thoughts on the new lunch system. “I haven’t really been able to see what the in-person lunch situation is because I have been put under quarantine every-other week, but it seems super fun!” Doe said.
Sarah Strasshotdog seems to be having a lot of fun supervising the kids in the big gym, from keeping masks up (or even just wearing them), to regulating who gets to go to the bathroom (and making sure to look through their bags when they are in the restroom). “I prioritize this time of my day over anything else, and it is honestly the best, most exciting use of my time,” Strasshotdog said. To follow the theme of COVID in 2021 the school has purchased trendy new basketballs: Corona Balls! They are one of a kind, enlarged, individual COVID virus balls and they have the perfect size and bounciness for shooting hoops. They will ENSURE you contract the virus. One problem with these new-high tech basketballs is that they have to be updated every so often to make sure we get each new strain! “I can’t wait to make half court shots with the new basketballs!” Doe said.
April Foolssss
SKIER - people sliding down snowy mountains with long shoes
NEWS - pieces of paper with words on them about recent events
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Plane tickets are cheaper than ever Pope Hannah, pop a choccy milk
With Coronavirus cases rising and vaccines being distributed, travel is on everyone’s mind right now. The Antibody Exposé thinks that everyone should book flights now and take advantage of the low priced airfare! Predictions for the upcoming year Travel experts predict that the cost of airfare will be lower than ever in 2021 for all those traveling during spring and summer break. In March, air travel bookings have surged. Prices of airfare have gone down. Airlines have found it convenient both ways. People get cheap airfare while getting any kind of snacks or food items. Instead of having the options of peanuts and pretzels, all you can get is water. How convenient! All the while professionals and doctors are telling everyone to stay home and still exercise caution while out in public- so seize your moment and travel! The decision is a tough one - you might be risking lives for a little bit of fun, but who wouldn’t want to book cheap flights! Why is the airfare suddenly cheap? You would think that financially flourishing airlines would offer higher prices on airfare-like in past years. Airlines such as Delaware, or Uninvited have been forced to increase their routes due to the sudden demand. They
Photo by Pope Hannah Flights are now much more affordable then ever before.
want to keep the passengers safe while also getting more people to their destination quicker. To be courteous to travelers, they were kind enough to bring the prices down out of kindness and common sense. Uninvited stated in a recent meeting, “why would we want to put ridiculous prices on our airfare? We want everyone to be satisfied and feel good about where they spend their money.” Airlineseven started to give out free iPads for families to keep their children quiet and courteous to other passengers. No more yelling or screaming children on flights! What to look forward to later in the year? Airfare will drop over the upcoming months, but what is to be expected later on in the year after summer? As of now, if numbers keep rising, the percentage of prices may lower by another 8%. Perhaps they might even give out new iPhones in addition to the iPads! Keep an eye out for flight prices on the lower end. It will only get better as the summer rolls . around. As Separated Airlines says, “fly the cheap way- not the expensive way,”
Best places to travel during spring break (and it won’t ruin your bank account). You will definitely be surrounded by beautiful scenery and people, the perfect combination! 5.)Travel to Bali before the wet season! You wouldn’t want the Indonesian mud getting all over your new shoes, so go now! Huge gatherings could be refreshing and a good getaway; Bali is just the place to go. 6.)You can’t forget the Big Apple, can you? Tight subways and limited rental spaces with a one-bedroom, one window policy might be a setback, but the museums, cafes, night clubs and more are all worth it! Such a great place to travel with all your friends. Come and bring back some fun souvenirs for your friends and family, and a deadly virus!
Swag Money, $$$$$
This spring break provides everyone with the beautiful opportunity to get out of Aspen and travel the world! Why stay in the house when you could be roaming the streets of Rome or exploring the fantastic events this year in Australia? Everybody needs a vacation every once in a while, and luckily, Aspen has an airport right near town. Go have fun! Here are the best travel locations: 1.) Why not welcome the spring weather by going to some islands, basking in the sun during the day, and partying hard at night! Hawaii and the Bahamas have been popular destinations for kids in Aspen this year. They are even better places to go right now! Just a quick plane ride, maybe a connection flight from Denver... but it’s all worth it for the bikinis and Piña Coladas all day! 2.) Make sure not to miss out on the romantic adventures that you and your bae can experience in Europe! Are you still in the honeymoon stage? Valentine’s day wasn’t enough for you? The smells of aged cheese and the wild boars in Parma, Italy, will definitely serenade your spring break this year. And it might just be the Romance filled date in Parma, Italy. best, and last, place you see. if that means shoving food underneath 3.) Are you a foodie? Travel to Japan! the flimsy fabric 24/7. “I would dieee to Expand your palate and try new flavors, eat sushi in Japan!” said Dr. Collin. but make sure to wear your mask, even
Photo by Swag Money
4.)Wanna party it out this spring? &*%$ it up in Phuket, Thailand! Southern Thailand offers experiences like no other
Page ;) SKIER Scrillings Designer doesn’t always mean quality with their work
Uh Oh stinky
Ava Thornbush, Proud procrastinator
SATIRE- Aspen High School alum Richy Rich recently contacted all AHS students and persuaded them all to invest in Walmark stock. The email read Yo Aspen High School, It’s your boy Richy Rich you might know me by Rich but i’ve also been called “the guy with all the name brands”. First of all I decided not to go to the best college. I actually have been working for Reddit for over 3 years now, and let me tell you some huge news. My fav brand Supremo is actually in a lawsuit (gosh those poor guys) anyways some kid who went to Harvard discovered that Supremo used shirts from Walmark and just irons on the “Suprmo” label. So when all of you were trying to convince your parents to get you a $200 Supremo shirt because they were “great quality and super comfy” that was your brain messin’ with you. They are literally trash quality. But hey I’m not just here to bring bad news. I wanted to say that Walmark stock will be skyrocketing this week because the shirts are now sold at Walmark for $199.99 so get yours now. Hey it been real, talkin’ with you, Your boy Richy Rich Parents responses from this email has been nothing but positive comments, here are the latest Tweetes from parents: “My child took my credit card to get the last 5 Supremo shirts, thanks Richy” #itscalledfashion “My kid has been
AHS students crowd in the halls and pose in their new Supremo shirts
selling the Supremo shirts at school, my little entrepreneur” #proudparents “Just invested $600 in stock at Walmark” #loveyourichy
Sarah Strasshotdog, AHS Principal invited Richy Rich to talk at the upcoming high school assembly.
Photo by K8lyn O’ham
how to invest money. The key to life is to dress to impress so might as well wear a name brand.” Strasshotdog said.
“I think it’s great for the kids to learn
Beauty influencer sells covid virus in new health craze
Ellis Island, Staff Jack A$$
Over the past year, COVID has been a burden that everyone around the globe has had to deal with. For some it has hit harder than for others. From job losses, to the death of family members, to the lack of taste or smell, this virus hasn’t appeared to benefit anyone at all, until just recently. On February 33, 2021 major TicToc influencer, teenager, and non-medical professional Adderall Rae started her campaign to make money and help others by making use of the deadly virus. Rae came out with her newest endeavor for yet another profession she is unqualified for, called; Forever COVID 21, with the goal in mind to make minors even more insecure and skinny. Adderall Rae officially launched the covid injection that was created in less than a week on March 4th. This product is to be taken for two to three weeks, seven times a day, and the patients had to be on Rae’s strict “California Girl” diet of $10 small oat milk coffees. Shockingly the injections that prevented taste or smell, which removed her clients desires to eat, were an instant hit and sold out within five hours. In fact, in the first 10 minutes Rae had made 45 million dollars.
Rae was so excited about her success she took to the streets of LA, the epicenter of the pandemic in the US, maskless, and started doing dances for passersbys. “I am beyond so excited for the rest of my injections to drop later today. Even though the COVID weight loss injections are not technically approved by any medical people, I think it’s such a fun idea. Excuse me I’m out of breath from dancing… but as I was saying, I personally would never ever ever take an injection myself. Not because it’s dangerous! Ha.ha…only because I try to promote body positivity to my fans and I need to keep up my message.” Rae commented while doing the Renegade. Aneeda Losweight, a young fan who was looking to drop a few pounds to fit into Rae’s new XXXXS RAE FASHION clothing brand was one of the first to get the slimming down injection. “Yeah, I mean I basically only took the COVID injections to fit into Adderall’s jacket she just released. I am such a big fan I would do anything to wear her merch. It did kinda hurt because the weight loss only works if the injections go into your lips, but my mom has had plenty of lip fillers so she told me not to worry. I also don’t have to eat or taste my moms
Rae taking photos with patients
Photo by K8lyn O’ham
gross dinners.” Loswieght said. Another fan, Ms. Gullible, who previously had COVID and loved the weightloss effects of not tasting or smelling food, was eager to get the injection to lose even more pounds. “Well first of all these injections better work, they were each like $3,000 bucks a pop. I hope you know that’s like half my allowance. How am I supposed to go to LuluLemon everyday now? When I got
COVID last year I got so skinny because I didn’t want any food. I mean who wants to eat when you can’t even taste it, right? The side effects of the injections are also great, unlike real corona. Like I’ve literally only had my first dose and I’ve already gone viral on social media apps like four times. Pretty cool right?” Gullible said.
Scribblings Raccoons trying on a new style of garbage
Idk what the date is
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Comic by Pope Hannah
Woodpeckers argue about organic trees and which is better
Comic by Pope Hannah